02x05 - Memoirs Of A Finster

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

MAN:
And now, Famous Wars
in Secondspresents

"The Revolutionary w*r."

[ in British accent]:
Stop throwing all our tea
overboard,

you independence-declaring
rebels.

[ in different voice]:
Stop taxing us without
representation,

you king-loving scone eaters.

[ students laughing]

[ bell rings]

[ kids moan]

It's project time, players.

Now that you're in deep
with your country's history,

I want you to research
your own family trees.

Be creative, go crazy.

Now get out of here
and learn on,
young minds.

Max has to be
the coolest teacher ever!

This assignment
actually sounds fun.

I'll do your research

since you're spending
Saturday

teaching me
how to ice skate
for Nicole's party.

Don't worry about it,
Chucko.

This project's going
to be cake.

Two Finsters, one family tree
equals half the work.

I like the way you think, Kimmo.

Don't do that.

Call me crazy, but that kid
looks kind of familiar.

Maybe 'cause
he sits next to you

in every single one
of your classes now.

He's new.

Or 'cause he's rolled by
times in the past ten minutes.

Twenty-seven.

It's tough being
the new kid.

We should reach out to him;

make him feel welcome

in case he has a pool.

Good call, Chuckie.

Hey, new kid,I'm Tommy.

Oh, hey, I'm Trevor.

How's it going?

Ah, no complaints. You?

That math test was
pretty random, huh?

Wicked hard.

Math's not my thing.

Just out of curiosity,

what's your
favorite class?

Uh, it's a tie between
history and science.

You are so not going
to believe this,

but those are
my favorites, too.

Ah, no way!

CHUCKIE:
See?

Friends are like
holidays:

you can never have
enough of them.

Deep. You make that up?

Nope. I got it
off a greeting card.

Got the whole Finster
family tree right up here.

All right, let's start
with my great-grandpappy Clem.

He was the official
pony groomer for Chachi,

the first leg
of the Pony Express.

[ giggles]

Oh, here's a little-known fact
for you.

Jim Bob Finster was one
of the first school marms.

[ laughs]

[ chuckles]

"Mary Beth Finster,
pilgrim, trader,

gourd collector"?

I'll trade you
this beaded necklace

for three of your
finest gourds.

Add the matching earrings

and I'll throw in these
hand-carved chopsticks.

Chopsticks?

"Imogene Finster could sh**t
a hole in a nickel

from paces."

[ with Southern drawl]:
Watch this, boys and girls.

Yee-haw!

With yours truly's mark on it,
this here nickel is worth...

five yen?

KIMI:
"Minnie May Finster,
queen of bluegrass."

[ playing bluegrass tune]

[ playing traditional
Japanese tune]

[ gasps]

Kimi, what
did you find out?

I'm Japanese.

You're just figuring
that out?

I just realized

there's this
whole side of me
I've never explored.

That's nice,

but what did you find out
about ourproject?

Oh, that you're
on your own.

CHAS:
Someone ordered
a Finster Finster Shake!

[ grunts]

[ cheering and applause]

This is going to be
the biggest draw

since Sid's Pharmacy put in
a tapioca fountain.

Your great-grandmother was
famous

for cultivating the smallest
bonsai trees in all of Nagoya.

No wonder I like tiny corn.

What about my great-grandparents
on the other side?

You mean your father's
Hiro side of the family?

Yeah, I want to know
everything.

In that case,
you better call Hiro

when he gets back
to Japan next week.

I want to show you
something, Kimi-chan.

Try it on.

It's almost like
going back in time.

[ cloth rips]

[ gasps]

Apparently very far back.

[ both laughing]

New kid!

What are you guys
doing here?

We live here.

What are you doing here?

I'm on my way to see
this new movie,

Bébé: Portrait of a Clown.

Get out!

I've had that flier for
Bébé: Portrait of a Clown

taped to the inside
of my locker for weeks.

Anyone else find
this disturbing?

Whoa! Is this one of those deals

where TV people sneak in
and decorate your room?

Check it out--

my relatives
from Nagoya.

I'm going to use
some of these pics
for my family tree.

I am learning so many
cool things about Japan.

Did you know that
most people in Japan
belong to tea clubs

where they go every
week for ceremonies?

Oh, and the white makeup
that geishas wear

is made out of bird poop.

[ gags]

Here. You are
officially invited

to a real, live Japanese
tea ceremony this Saturday.

Saturday?

But that's when you promised
to teach me how to skate.

Oh, Chuckie-san, I got so into
this Japanese thing, I forgot.

And I already sent out
the invitations.

But I can teach you
right now.

It's exactly
like this...

only on ice.

Remind me to read you
the definition of "exactly."

Surprising as it sounds,

even I find it helps
to look forward while riding.

I'd swear someone
was following us.

[ tires screech]

This is so whack,
running into you here.

We're going
to Kimi's tea.
Want to come?

Uh, well... sure, why not?

Huh?

KIMI:
And the ceremony is my way

of introducing you
to my Japanese culture.

Hai dozo.

Hai dozo...

Oh!

My back!

[ straining]:
Okay, carry on.

I'm fine.

[ someone slurping]

[ slurping]

[ slurps]

Ahh...

Knock it off, Phil.

Actually, in Japanese culture,

making loud slurping sounds is
a good thing.

[ all slurping]

The rules say we have
to empty our bowls

or we insult the host.

No, I am not dumping
your tea.

That is way cheese.

[ gags]

Lil, please pass
the wagashi around.

Yo, Kimi,
is this right?

Phil, you can't use
your chopsticks to point.

It's an insult.

[ groaning sigh]

[ Dil chuckles]

[ laughing]

Guys, this is a revered
cultural tradition,

not a frat party!

[ doorbell rings]

[ all speaking Japanese]

Anybody order
a pineapple jalapeño pizza?

A guy's got to eat.

[ kids laughing]

[ sighs]

Is this the...

Japanese Club?

Watashi wa Miyume desu.

Hajimemashite.

I'm Kimi.

Are there only three of you?

Actually two;
Miyume's our mentor.

But four in total,
counting you.

Come on, we're making
origami birds--

old school, but still cool.

Nice first try, Yoshi.

Oh, Kioko, yours
looks so real,

I can almost hear
him sing.

I know, he looks so real,
you can almost hear him moo.

[ all laughing]

That looks like
my grandma's cow, Bakana!

Uh, where are your relatives
from, Kimi?

My mom's family is from Nagoya,

but I'll have to get back to you
on the other half

after I talk to my dad in Japan.

Your dad lives in Japan?

That one does.

My daddad lives here.

Maybe we should change
the subject

before our membership goes
back down to three.

No, it's cool.

I see that dad once
or twice a year

and we talk on the phone a lot
and we get along fine.

Now you can change the subject.

Guess what it is!

A toilet?

I'm getting better.

[ laughing]

[ drumming]

Oh! Can we eat already?

I'm starving.

No.

In Japanese culture
it's an insult

to eat before everyone's
at the table.

This may sound crazy, but you
know what I just realized?

We're not in Japan!

[ shoes clacking]

Those kicks are cool.

And loud.

And dangerous.

I am diggin' on that.

What is it and
where do I get one?

It's a traditional
Japanese bento box

with compartments for things
like octopus tentacles.

KIMI:
Don't worry,

I brought enough
for everyone.

Suction cups.

[ giggles nervously]

[ someone gags]

Where's your new best friend,
Tommy?

If you mean Trevor,
I don't know.

Have you guys noticed something
off about that guy?

I think maybe he's following me.

You're paranoid.

Here she comes!

What do we do?!

Bolt!

What up, Dil?

Me.

Why don't you guys
give Kimi a break?

Because all she ever
talks about now

is Japan this, Japan that.

I just miss
the old Kimi.

Me, too.

Well, me, three--

but this is
who she is, so...

learn to live with it.

I have.

I didn't know you guys
hung out here.

Don't tell me--

that's a green-apple-
and-strawberry smoothie!

Okay, now this
is getting freaky.

Green-apple-
strawberry
smoothie to go.

Oh, Tommy,
am I supposed

to bring anything
to dinner on Friday?

Your mom invited me.

You know my mom?

Yeah, she took
T and me

shopping for chicken
jerky this afternoon.

Wait, you're calling
him"T" now?

It's the least I can do

after he adopted me as his
surrogate brother.

You forgot this.

KIMI:
My great-uncle?

No way!

Yeah, I wrote it all down.

Okay, bye, Dad.

I love you, too.

Why are you calling
Dad on the phone

when he's right
downstairs?

Not that dad,
my other dad.

You know, the one
who looks like me?

Oh, right--
sometimes I forget.

I need your footprint
for my family tree--

"Finster Feet
Throughout the Ages."

You get pink.

So when are you teaching
me how to skate?

Nicole's party is,
let's see... soon.

Oh, Chuckie, I'm just
so knee-deep in research

and it's really
important to me.

Well, learning to skate
is really important to me!

Chuckie, this is my life
we're talking about.

[ groans]

CHUCKIE:
And since you're
the only person

who knows Kimi
as well as I do,
I thought...

Let's cut to the chase:

You're having
a sitch with Kimi

and need my advice.

She is so busy
doing stuff with
that club

that she doesn't
have time for me!

One of the coolest
things about Kimi

is that she totally
throws herself

into everything
she does.

So stop buggin'--

she's just doing
her thang.

But we used to do "thangs"
together.

So, what's
stopping you now?

Nothing.

MIYUME:
Kabuki is traditionally
performed by men,

but some traditions are meant

to be hidden under
the floorboards.

So, we're allperforming
on Kabuki Night,

including your families.

[ laughs]

What's so funny?

My family...

on stage...
in costume

doing pretty much
the most graceful dance

ever invented?!

I don't see a problem.

Is this where I sign up
for the Japanese Club?

You guys met
my brother?

This isn't the stuff

that's made out
of bird poop?

I hope I remember
the choreography.

You will, you rehearsed
a gazillion times.

Dude, you're starting
to freak me out.

Why?
Oh, I don't know...

Because
you dress like me,

show up wherever I am.

And now you're
a filmmaker?

It's been a dream of mine

ever since
I can remember.

Maybe you're the one
imitating me.

Oh, yeah, well...
the real Tommy Pickles

never leaves home
without this.

A screwdriver
in the back pocket?

I keep mine in front--
easy access.

[ drum playing]

[ Kabuki music begins playing]

[ laughter]

Ow!

And the fun just keeps on going.

[ light laughter]

[ raucous laughter]

Kimi, I'm sorry
I screwed up your
kabuki thing.

You mad?

No, especially since

I was as lame
as you were--

lamer, even.

It's not
a total loss.

We can cash in
on our humiliation

by sending the tape
to America's Dumbest
Home Videos.

[ chuckles]

Good night.

I mean, oyasumi.

I finished it.

what do you think?

I think... I think...

you're missing
some people!

Well, who?

Me and my dad!

How come we're
not on here?

Don't we count?

Of course you count.

I spent days
practicing Kabuki,
learned Japanese,

even wore bird poop
on my face,

and I don't even
get a branch on
your family tree?!

And let me tell
you something, sister:

Bird poop is a lot
thicker than water!

You don't
understand, Chuckie.

I love you and
you'll always be my brother.

But the truth is...

I'm not a real Finster.

[ gasps]

You're not a real Finster?!

No, not technically.

Right.

A real Finster would have taught
her brother

how to skate,
so he won't spend

an entire party
on his butt
risking frostbite

or death by...
a big, scary ice machine!

Sorry, I keep
forgetting about that.

[ telephone ringing]

Moshi-moshi.

Hi, Kioko.

Forget about it.

I'll find
somebody else.

Hey, money.

Tommy, wait up.

Yo, Tommy, let's
hook up later

What up, T?


Konnichi wa, Tommy-san.

[ screaming]

[ sighs]

That freak--
he is going down.

So I'm not banned
from the club?

Are you kidding?

Everyone thought
Kabuki Night was hilarious!

Thanks to your family,
Little Tokyo Night's sold out.

Someone ordered
a Finster-Finster Shake!

Duty calls.

Where's Chuckie?

This is our bit.

Oh, he went ice
skating with Susie.

Oh...

Good, that means
I'm off the hook.

TOMMY:
Over here, T!

I took the liberty
of ordering for you!

I know what you like.

BETTY:
Anybody order

a green-apple-and-
strawberry smoothie?

I ordered a green-apple-
strawberry smoothie.

PHIL:
Me, too.

LIL:
No, it was me.

This is it, Trevor.

Game over.

Game? What game?

[ sighs]

Okay...

I didn't mean to steal
your identity, Tommy.

It just happened.

I wanted friends
and knew I could do it

if I became someone new...
or, rather, someone old...

but just not me.

I'm... sorry.

Tell you what--

you drop the clone act

and I'll be your
first official friend.

Deal.

Are you done with
your family tree?

Yup. You finished
with your family foot?

BOTH:
I'm full.

Don't forget your projects.

Where's my
family tree?!

Uh, sorry to cut it
so close, Kimi.

Something this special
should be preserved.

So we had it laminated.

And, well... we thought you
might want

to put this up in your room.

My great-grandfather.

Thanks, Dad.

This is so awesome.

Well, it was
Chuckie's idea.

Thanks, Chuckie.

That was really nice.

I thought of it...

when we used
to be... related.

Everything work out
with your double?

Y-yeah.

And it could be fun
getting to know the real Trevor.

Guess I'll just
have to wait and see.

You might have to wait
a little longer.

♪ Great-grandpa's from Italy

♪ He did not live long,
you'll see ♪

♪ He got stung by bumblebees
when he climbed a maple tree ♪

♪ His son was next,
his name's Murphy ♪

♪ And sons, too,
named after he ♪

♪ And so this ends my pedigree

♪ All that's left
is me, myself and me. ♪

[ applause]

Big ups to Julia!

I've never heard someone
cram so many words

into such a short song.

Kimi, let's see what you got.

[ students ooh and ahh]

I traced my mother's side of the
family back seven generations

to a town called Nagoya, Japan.

And my great-grandfather
was Hiroshi Takahashi,

a sumo wrestling coach
from Osaka.

And Clem Finster
from Keokuk, Iowa--

the official horse groomer
for Chachi--

the first leg of
the Pony Express!

His son was Marvin Finster.

And his son was Chas Finster,

owner of the locally
famous Java Lava.

And his son, my one
and only brother,
is Chuckie Finster.

[ applause]

Savage presentation, girl!

One and only brother,
you're up.

Get up.

Oh... it's : a.m.

and it's Saturday.

Nicole's party is tonight,

and from what Susie said,
you're going to need

all the skating practice
you can get.

Why don't you start
being a Finster again later?

[ sighs]

Brothers.

[ both chuckling]

CHAS:
Keep it down in there!

KIMI and CHUCKIE:
Sorry, Dad!

[ laughter resumes]


CHUCKIE:
Bird poop is thicker than water!