06x01 - Sickness and Health

[bunniefuu]

Are you absolutely positive everything's all right? You're fine.

Get dressed.

You wouldn't take another look? Nope.

Just to make sure.

We're finished here.

"Hello?" No offence, but you are a man.

And I don't know that you know that much about I know more about it than you do.

Doc, I think it would be better for us all if you sent me When there's actually anything wrong, I'll be only too pleased to.

Kept me waiting 20 minutes.

Put that cigarette out.

Doc? We're here.

Mm.

Here he is.

Here's Daddy.

All right, Doc? About time too.

I've been calling you.

I know you have.

It's just, you know my duty to get you down that aisle on time.

You are not my best man.

Let's not put a title on it, eh? I thought you were getting changed.

I did.

Doc.

Now, can I give you a word of advice? No.

Something that my father used to - Really, no.

Well, I think I've said all I have to say on the subject.

Yes, you have.

But as one of your last few surviving relatives - Sh, sh, sh, sh, sh! All right.

Is she here yet? She's on her way.

Probably.

Don't worry about a thing, Doc.

Just get yourself inside, eh? Doc? Wait.

Bet you thought I'd forgotten, right? Thank you.

that's not long for a bride.

I know.

Mind you, about a month ago, we had a man standing right there an hour, two hours.

I think we hit three before the penny dropped.

Apparently, she'd run off with the best man.

Don't have to worry about that with me, Doc.

Would yousit down, please? WAGNER: Wedding March from Lohengrin Sorry.

Had a bit of trouble with my hair.

Oh.

I know.

I mean It'sit's all right.

(You're nervous.

Yeah.

Me, too.

) Who are all these people? Guests.

Barely deloved we are gathered heretoday .

.

to bless the joining of this man and woman in holy matrimony.

Marriage is not to be entered into lightly but reverently.

Which means you have to be sure.

We are.

Both of you? Yes.

If anyone present can show just cause why they should not be lawfully married, speak now, or forever hold your peace.

'Out of the mouths of babes' In which case Do you, Louisa Roberta Glasson take Martin Christopher Ellingham to be your lawful wedded husband? Yes.

I do.

And do you, Martin Ellingham - Yes, I do.

Hm.

Does the best man have the ring? No.

With this ring I thee - Yes.

Right.

We're not quite ready for the putting on the finger bit.

Apparently, we are (!) So, by the power invested in me, I now pronounce youman and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, Ruth, thank you.

I can't believe I'm married.

Do I look married? Now you do (!) A day to remember.

Katy, you made it.

Not quite up to our standard, boy.

Pretty tasty, though.

Crooked as a dog's hind leg.

Thought I'd er come over and pay my respects, Doc.

Thank you.

You've got a real beauty there.

Yes.

I need you to have a look at my leg.

It's erit's been clicking.

For God's sake.

Of course not! Make an appointment! I'm not drunk.

Who said I was drunk? Why did you invite Chippy Miller? He's hardly a close friend.

I didn't invite him.

In fact, a lot of people here weren't invited.

Well, we'd better move them on, then.

No, it's nice them showing up.

They're wishing us well.

It's nice.

They're not thinking about us.

They're thinking about free food and cider.

Well, it's the way things work round here, Martin.

You might've wanted a nice, quiet reception.

But the village didn't.

If they're so determined to have a party, why don't we You have been to a wedding before, haven't you? There's the cake-cutting and the dancing to go yet.

Just a bit longer.

Yes, OK.

Ladies and gentlemen? Hello?! Todaya great man .

.

a great physician and the greatest thing to happen to Portwenn since the new parking area at the beach .

.

married - You're a loser! Get off! .

.

married one of our natural treasures.

Louisa Glasson.

There were a few roadblocks and diversions en route.

And a quick stopover at the maternity ward.

But happily, they have arrived at their destination.

Oh, please! Siddown! Shh! Back in 1984 .

.

Tina Turner asked the question What's love got to do got to do with it? And the answer is (Go!) Bert? Bert, I haven't finished my speech.

Go on, Doc! But II got some good jokes.

I think that's meant for us.

Is it mandatory? You don't have to if you don't want to, Martin.

ROD STEWART: Sailing I may be a touch rusty.

(Not very good.

) I learnt at school.

It was compulsory.

That was your foot! Sorry.

It's been a while.

It's OK.

Sorry.

Did you have dance lessons when you were a child? No.

I thought not.

What? They're plotting.

Oh, God.

I hope it's nothing embarrassing.

Why don't we leave, while we still can? Yes.

Good.

Ah.

You are not gonna get off that easy, my lovers.

We have a surprise for you.

Can't have a wedding without a honeymoon.

Martin! Was this your idea? Absolutely not.

So we have all chipped in and you'll be whisked away to a luxury vacation with all the trimmings.

And I'm perfectly capable of looking after him.

Oh, Ruth.

II don't know.

It's only for one night, dear.

He won't feel you've abandoned him.

And even if he does, he's far too young to remember any of it.

Oh.

Just one night? Bags all packed and ready to go.

In the boot.

What, you've been in our bedroom? Rifling through your ironed What? And Large Restaurant has donated a fully stocked hamper to get your honeymoon night off with a bang, Doc.

Oh! Martin? Can we? Ifif you If you really want to.

Quick! Before he changes his mind.

Bye-bye, James.

Now, Ruth, thank you so much.

Now, listen.

There's food in the fridge.

He likes banana custard.

But don't give him the spoon, He's not been sleeping very well.

Yes, dear.

You've already told me.

You might want to try a vigorous rocking motion.

No, not toonot too hard, though.

And he loves his purple dinosaur.

It's the little one on the bed.

Yes.

Mind your dress.

Bye! Doc, I didn't finish my speech.

I've got this great joke.

This man goes to the doctor.

He says, 'Doctor, Doctor' '.

.

I think I need glasses.

' Doc? So, Bert.

Where are you taking us? You two lovebirds just sit back This is your day.

Just tell us where we're going, Bert.

I don't want to ruin the surprise, Doc.

Let's just say it's the most romantic spot in all Cornwall.

It comes with a Bert Large stamp of approval.

That doesn't exactly fill me with confidence (!) 'Ere.

I had my honeymoon in this lodge.

That's how deep the personal Oh, right.

So we're staying in a lodge.

Great (!) That's the surprise ruined.

Well, I hope you're happy with yourselves.

I don't think I've ever been out this way before.

That's the beauty of it.

Isolated, romantic.

No-one around to disturb you.

I spent my entire honeymoonnaked.

Oh, Bert! Twas the wife's idea.

She said, 'Bert, we're married now.

The nearest house is a mile away.

' 'Why do we need clothes?' Like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Ere.

Not much further.

You'll see.

Hidden jaffa, this.

There we are.

Oh This is perfect, Bert! Thank you so much.

Well, it certainly looks all right from the outside.

Champagne and nibbles - just to keep you ticking over.

Oh, how romantic.

Thank you.

We'll sort out the money later, Doc.

I thought you said this was a gift.

Well, yes.

Of course.

But a whip-round only goes so far.

And you're no doubt lining your own pocket.

Now.

I'll be back in the morning to pick you both up.

How much? Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

How much is this going to cost us? Cheers and gone.

Bert! Stop! Bert! Stop! Martin Bert! Idiot! I'm sure it won't be that much.

He's driven off with our luggage.

We've got no clothes to change into, or even toothbrushes.

It's only for a night.

I'm sure we can rough it.

Come on.

Let's have a look inside.

Yes.

Oh, look! It's so beautiful, Martin.

Look! It's so kind of them.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh! Oh, isn't it lovely, Martin? It's a pleasant surprise.

Oh.

No signal.

No telephone either, by the looks of things.

Even better (!) Listen.

What? Nothing.

Nothing at all.

No noise.

No traffic, no moaning patients, no crying babies.

Just you and me.

What are you doing? Er Nothing.

I was just Nothing.

Good.

Well, hello husband.

Hello .

.

Mrs Ellingham.

I'll light a fire.

And I'll open that bottle of champagne.

Whatever you say.

I didn't say anything.

I know.

Just a bite.

Just onelittlemouthful.

That's all.

Hm? Oh, come on.

Your continuous refusal is frankly bordering on the antisocial.

Look at his big smile.

He likes it.

Hm? Mm! It's delicious! Mm! OhGod! I stand corrected.

It's disgusting! Well, at least it shows you have good taste.

Why do men always want to build a fire? Maybe it's just a caveman thing.

Actually, it's lucky there was so much kindling.

The important thing is to get it as hot as possible as soon as possible.

Warm up the flueget it drawing.

To counteract theair sink.

Maybe caveman wasn't the right choice of word (!) Cheers.

Yes.

Do you remember the first day we met? I do.

Acute glaucoma.

You made me wear an eye patch.

And I felt like a pirate.

Mm.

Of course, the er alternate treatment is to apply a parrot to your shoulder (!) That was a joke, Martin! Yes.

Very good.

It's not you.

It's the smoke.

Oh, the chimney's blocked.

Did you open the damper? What damper? It's like a kind of flap with a handle.

I know what a damper is.

Martin, be careful! I'll get a kettle.

That won't put it out! See if you can find a fire extinguisher! I'm looking for something.

Quickly! Martin, that's our champagne! Eryes.

Agh! You all right? I'm so sorry.

What? A thing here.

Oh.

Got it? Right.

Come on.

Wait.

Where are you going? That house that we passed.

Private telephone.

Call Bert.

We need our luggage.

I'm not exactly dressed for a hike, am I? You can't stay.

The place is awash with bronchial irritants.

Martin, it's getting dark.

And look.

It's foggy.

Please.

Can't we just stay here? Martin? What are you doing? Martin? Oh! Seriously? Come on.

OK.

Well I suppose a walk in the country might be romantic sort of.

Martin? Come on! Martin? Martin! Buck up! Martin? MARTIN! What? You keep going ahead of me! I'm just looking for the road.

Did you find it? No.

Yeah, cos I'm sure it's the other way.

Look.

Logically, if we stick to the path, we can't go wrong.

Of course.

Because nothing about a long-distance hike in a wedding Slow down.

I just can't keep up.

It's just a question of taking longer strides.

I'm wearing heels, Martin.

Yes.

Right.

Take my arm.

Just try and keep in step with me.

Steady rhythm.

Fine! You must sleep.

It aids neural development.

All the other babies are doing it right now.

Do you want to fall behind the other children? There you go! Now you're getting the idea.

Oh, bugger! Well, we're definitely going the wrong way.

We're not.

When we drove in, the trees were on the left.

And now there are trees all around us.

I'm not certain that's correct.

We're in the middle of a forest, Martin.

Well, strictly speaking, it isn't a forest, it's a wood.

Seriously? Is that your argument? You're going the wrong way and the best you can do is split hairs - Sh! No, not - Shh! There's someone out there.

Hello? Who's there? Show yourself! All right, I've had enough.

I want this to stop instantly.

Oh, God! Stupid animal! You're really not the outdoor type, are you? Shoo! Right.

Now let's find that telephone.

Martin, careful! I thought I saw a rabbit.

I didn't want you scared, or to get into a confrontation with it, or anything (!) This is my final warning! Yes.

Show yourselves (!) I was trying to protect you.

Final warning (!) Ah.

Oh, you took your time.

Sorry.

Dad wouldn't let me go without a short course in So.

What's the problem? The lights have blown (!) Ah.

In all likelihood, there's probably a short somewhere.

Did you erm did you turn anything on? A kettle? Ah.

No, nothing.

Just the dishwasher.

Dishwasher? Yeah.

Er Can you fix it? If I had the proper equipment .

.

probably not.

So the baby and I stay in the dark until the morning.

I'll make a call.

I think we might possiblyer, have taken a wrong turning.

Well, I have been saying that for the past 50 minutes, Martin.

Well, it doesn't seem like it's too deep.

I'm not wading across it.

Well, we have to keep going in a straight line.

Otherwise, we'll start to go round in circles.

And I'm still not wading across it, Martin.

No.

All right, then.

I'llI'll carry you.

Really? Yes.

Sure? Erm Don't drop me! You're crushing my windpipe.

How do you think those two are getting on? Oh, the usual blend of chalk and cheese, I imagine.

We saw the candles.

Everything all right? Or have I missed the seance (?) No, everything is not all right.

I would've thought that was perfectly obvious.

The lights have blown and Al can't fix them.

But apparently there's somebody who can.

Yeah.

Mike Pruddy is on his way.

Oh.

It's an electrician you need.

Might save you some money there.

Oh, it's best left to the professionals.

Down the hall on the right.

He won't electrocute himself, will he? We can only hope.

Evening.

Oh, yes, do come in.

Everyone else has (!) Thought I'd better check on the boy.

Electrics (!) Joe's on it.

Oh, no.

That bloke could start a fire in a bowl of water.

Sounds rather Biblical.

I wonder if you CAN start a fire in a bowl of water.

Look out! Man down! We've a man down! How did you imagine we'd spend our wedding night? Not like this.

This is a mistake.

We should be at home.

Oh, steady, Martin! Yes.

Idiot Bert! Abandoning us in that place.

Yeah, well, him and the villagers wanted to surprise us.

Well, they all knew we didn't want a honeymoon.

YOU didn't want a honeymoon.

Well, you agreed.

Because I didn't wanna drag you off somewhere and have you complaining.

So, you DID want a honeymoon? I wanted you to want one.

What? Oh, no.

I don't understand that.

No.

You don't, do you? You never do.

Right.

We're cold we're wet Let's just call Bert.

Find a telephone, get home as fast as we can.

You were right.

It was probably amistake.

I could've been crippled.

You shouldn't have been standing I needed to get a better angle on the situation.

Now, be honest.

How bad is it? That is borderline, that is.

Will it leave a scar? You might need butterflies.

Then again, you might need sutures.

I think you're possibly forgetting there's a doctor in the house.

What is the recommended treatment, then, Doc? Stick a plaster on it and shut up.

Evening.

Evening, Corporal.

Show him where it is, Al.

Oh, right.

I'd give him a try, but I've been compromised.

Can I say something? No! I think you're being unfair.

Oh.

Why, thank you (!) Because you say one thing when you mean another.

You agree to something when actually you want something else.

It doesn't make sense.

So if I'd said I wanted a big, lavish wedding, with white horses and a gold carriage, and a big reception with hundreds of guests, and a week-long honeymoon on some tropical island, you'd have said what? Hm? Martin? Martin? Martin?! Can you see anything? No, nothing at all, cos you're blinding me.

I bet this is boring compared to army life, huh? If you think rewiring fuse boxes in the desert is exciting, thenthen, yeah.

If you need any backup, let me know.

You can hand me that box.

We're in the same line of work, you and me.

You're an electrician? No.

Special forces.

You army, me police.

So, we're not really in the same line of work, then.

Wellwe're both trained to respond to an emergency situation.

Primed and ready at the shortest notice.

There is something you could do to help me.

Stop talking (!) Right.

Agh! I'm all right.

I think.

Ow! Ooh, no.

I may have sprained my wrist.

Right.

I'm coming down.

No, don't.

It's too steep.

I'll come up.

Just catch me if I fall.

What? Aaargh! What?! Ow! Sorry.

Oh.

Your dress.

It's fine.

I wasn't planning on wearing it again anyway.

Oh, no.

You're hurt.

No, it'sit's nothing.

Let me have a look.

There's no need.

What the hell was that?! I'll k*ll you! We need to get out of here.

It's just the farmer shouting at foxes.

It's fine.

Are you sure? Yeah.

99% sure.

And a fox and a farmer means a farmhouse.

Which means a telephone.

So Agh! That's not entirely conclusive, is itLouisa? Oh.

All right.

Not a farmhouse, then.

Hm.

Doesn't look like he exactly welcomes visitors, either.

Well, we're here now.

Get out! Martin, are you all right? Eryes.

What are you doing out here?! Who are you? I'm just looking for some help.

Ermwould you mind lowering your g*n? I don't like people poking around here.

We're not poking around.

We just wanted to use your telephone.

Of course you don't.

What's with the fancy clothes? It's our wedding day and this is our honeymoon.

Congratulations.

Easy, tiger! No sudden moves.

Is that thing loaded? Course it's loaded.

Well, put it down before somebody gets hurt - yourself included.

And if you can't offer us a phone, we'll just be on our way.

No, no, no.

You're not going anywhere.

I beg your pardon? There are foxes out here.

Edna?! Are you taking any sort of medication? Do you know what the date is? Course I do.

So should you, it being your wedding day an' all.

Edna! Is that your wife? My dog.

She's a good judge of character.

So, what happens now? You start mending my chicken coop.

I'm sure it looks worse than it is.

We can probably just, you know, stand it back up again, It needs to be done properly.

You broke ityou fix it! How about I give you some money and then you can get it patched up? Tools are over there.

Cheers.

All done.

Teamwork.

Told you we'd get it sorted, Ruth.

Bet you're glad we're here.

Delighted (!) Last orders.

Drink up and be on your way.

Right, lads.

Let's be hitting the sack, eh? The early bird catches the felon.

I've gotta be up a bit sharpish myself, too.

I've gotta go and fetch the doc and Loui- Oh, bugger it.

What? Let's just say that someone forgot to give the doc his suitcase.

I mean, he'd see the funny side of that, wouldn't he? Oh, James Henry Ellingham.

You are intent on torturing your Great Aunt Ruth tonight.

Well, he's teething, in'e? Poor little bugger.

Is he? That's why his chin's all red.

He can't help drooling.

What are you looking for? Here.

Vanilla essence? Rub it on his gums with your finger.

This isn't the 16th century - he'll need an analgesic.

Counter-pressure helps the pain of the tooth pushing through.

See, I grew up in a family of ten.

I was the eldest.

Screaming babies were practically the soundtrack If I hadn't been raised to show no emotion .

.

I might cry myself.

Got one.

There's 13 others running round out there like fox food.

In you go.

For God's sake! My dog Edna could do a better job than that.

Well, why don't you do it yourself, then? No.

I'd rather see a moron like you make a good job of it.

Ha-ha-ha! Excuse me? What? Yes, we broke your chicken coop.

But you pointed a g*n at us, held us hostage, and now you're insulting my husband.

Louisa.

No! Good manners cost nothing.

I think your missus is a little bit doolally.

Oh, do you? Look.

I banged your post in.

Just tell us where that telephone is and we'll be on our way.

Oh, for God's sake! I'll bash it in.

Here.

Give me that.

You hold the post.

Apologise! Louisa! It's all right, Martin.

Apologise to my husband and to me.

Go on! Sorry.

Now fix your post.

Louisa, give me that r*fle.

Ow! Ow! What's happened? Martin.

Let me see.

I think you've dislocated your shoulder.

You mean, you have.

What's wrong with you people, coming round here in the middle of the night demanding things, breaking things? Let me see it.

No.

You're not touching me! He's a doctor.

Stop whining and let him have a look.

Come on.

Open your shirt.

I would if I could.

All right.

Yep.

The humeral head's come out of its socket.

It doesn't seem to hurt as much now.

No, it wouldn't.

The body produces endorphins to reduce shock.

But you'll be in severe and incapacitating pain in minutes.

I don't think he means it like that.

No, I do.

He'll be in agony.

Can you fix it? Yes, of course I can.

I mean, properly.

Move into the light.

Louisa, please stop waving that around.

It's dangerous.

Stop telling me what to do, will you? Well, he's sleeping like a well, like a baby.

You're a very competent man.

That's a rarity around these parts.

Yeah, right (!) Can't hold down a steady job can't find a decent girlfriend.

I'm a regular success story (!) Could be worse.

You could be an agoraphobic schizophrenic.

Yeah.

Always look on the sunny side.

How much do I owe you? Oh.

For the baby? Nothing (!) And for everything else, I'll send a bill.

Perfect.

I seem to be running out of endorphins.

Do us a favour, love.

Go in the caravan.

There's a bottle of whisky in the cupboard above the sink.

I know what you're thinking, Doc.

You're jealous.

You want a caravan of your own.

Yes.

That's just what I'm thinking (!) I feel sorry for you.

Having a boring life, getting married with your wife.

Shut up! Don't you say my wife's name with yourmouth! ErI've got the bottle.

Right.

Let's relocate this shoulder.

I'm going to slowly pull your arm up to 90 degrees and then rotate it.

It might hurt a bit.

Are you ready? Get on with it.

Agh! Aaargh! Heaven! Oh, well done, Martin.

It's a simple procedure.

Louisa! Are you all right? Yes.

You? Yes.

Quickly.

Get this off! Hello? Are you all right? You clumsy git! How is he? Oh! Is he OK? Something's nicked his carotid artery.

Don't move! I'll call an ambulance.

There's no time.

In a few minutes, he'll either have a stroke or bleed out.

Is there anything you can do? Yes.

But I may need your help.

OK.

Right.

Right.

I need a needle and thread.

Top drawer! Right.

I'll get it.

What else? Era razor blade.

Or a small Kn*fe.

In the baccy tin.

Hurry up.

Yes, yes.

I'm looking, I'm looking.

Fishing line? Yes.

Good.

You need to regulate your breathing.

Try and slow your heartbeat down.

I don't wanna die.

Right.

I've got it all.

Cotton swabs? Where am I gonna find cotton swabs? I don't think he has a skincare Right.

I want you to place your hand upon mine.

Not you! When I sayplace your index finger where mine is and apply a constant pressure.

All right? Yes.

Ready? Now! All right.

I'm going to attempt to open the wound to gain access And when I've done that, I'll try to repair it.

Yes.

Do you need help? Nope.

Right.

I'll need something to clamp the artery with.

That thing in your hair.

That grip.

Yep.

Do you have another bottle of whisky? In the cupboard by the sink.

Yes.

Oh, God! Oh! When I say, remove your hand, I'll make the incision and Yes.

When I've done that, hold the clamp in place while I make the repair.

OK? Right.

I mean, are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.

Right.

Now.

Clamp.

All right.

Now, hold the clamp in place.

Oh.

I'mI'm sorry.

It's fine.

This'll be over very soon.

One way or the other.

Right.

Let's see if it's held.

Good.

We need to get you to a hospital as soon as possible.

There's a road just at the back.

About Some honeymoon, eh? Stop talking.

I'm sorry.

For what? Well, it's not exactly the sort of day you'd hoped for.

Well, it's certainly not one that we'll ever forget, is it? Which bit are you looking forward to remembering most? Getting lost? Held at gunpoint? Or um watching this man exsanguinate.

I thinkprobably all of it.

I see.

Martin.

Martin! Listen.

She's asleep.

So.

Louisa We'll put the luggage in here and then we can shift the blame to Morwenna.

Agh! It's OK, Bert.

It's not our blood.

We're fine.

What on earth? Oh, my God! We're fine.

It's not our blood.

How's James? Whose blood is it? It's not important.

I heard a noise.

Oh, Doc! It's not their blood, Joe.

Allegedly.

OK.

Well, whatever happened, we can fix it - people go missing all the time.

Are there any problems with James? You're covered in dirt.

Oh! I've got wax in my eye.

I think I might be blind! Whose blood is it? Don't start on the luggage, Doc.

Right.

I'm gonna check on James.

I'll see to this idiot.

Mm-hm.

Right.

Go through to the consulting room.

Not you.

Get rid of the dog.

Ruth, was everything all right? Was he OK? How's his cold? Has it cleared up now? Would you like to come to dinner? What do you think, darling? If you have a partner or wife, bring them too.

I'd love a glass of white.

They've been drinking already.

Shh! Have you seen a major sporting eventrecently?