06x02 - Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?

[bunniefuu]

'Good morning, Portwenn.

' 'Caroline here with you once again.

We have a special treat today.

' 'Our very own Dr Ruth Ellingham will be here to pick our brains.

' 'I hope she's gentle.

' 'But first, a traffic update.

' 'There's a tractor blocking Fitzsimmons Lane, so please find an alternative route until it can be moved.

' 'What a disaster.

' Morning.

Sorry, I had to change grandad's flowers.

Sorry.

Yes.

Lumsden? Right.

You'll have to hold the fort till Mel gets here.

What do you mean, hold the fort? I can't be late my first day back.

Louisa, can I have a word, please? I'm sorry, but a surgery opens at 8:30.

Please, Martin.

What time is your woman getting here? At 8:15 and she's not my woman.

She's our child minder.

You chose her.

After you frightened everybody else off.

Morning.

You're late.

Morning, Mel.

Sorry.

Did you get held up? No harm done.

Yes, there is.

Surgery starts at 8:30.

You should be here in advance.

Sorry.

Why are you scratching? Itchy jumper.

What? I said, I'll miss you.

Yes.

He had a good feed at 7:00, so perhaps try him again at 9:00.

Bye-bye.

You think about it.

Big house like that is a waste.

If you get someone in, you can have company and split the bills.

Yeah, maybe.

Seems disrespectful somehow.

Well, come on, then.

Notes.

You owe it to him, sweet man that he was.

He'd expect you to share your good fortune.

Think about it.

Here, they're lovely people there.

Oh, yeah? I told 'em that the rooms at the Crab are a bit noisy and they ask silly money, so they want to stay here.

How do you mean? Your room.

You can bunk in with me temporarily and we see how it goes.

My room? We can't afford luxuries.

A room each and we might starve in this current financial climate.

'This is radio Portwenn, serving Portwenn.

' And we're back with Dr Ruth Ellingham.

Dr Ruth, psychiatry you reckon it works, then? Well, I've devoted my whole life to it, so, yes, I think it works.

It must be very interesting knowing what makes people tick.

The innermost workings of the human brain, so to speak.

Do you find it makes folk wary, though? What? Well, just sitting here with you I find myself a bit in awe, knowing you can see right through me.

I'm not judging you.

I'm a doctor.

Some doctors can be judgmental.

Well, I'm not.

I think that's apparent in the book, isn't it? I couldn't actually locate a copy until you brought this in.

You can get it at Stoneman's in Weybridge.

Call on line 3.

Just £15.

99.

Just a minute.

We have a call from Cliff.

Hello, Cliff.

You're on the air with Dr Rose.

Go ahead.

'Hello, Doctor?' Hello, Cliff.

Have you read Dr Ruth's book? Not exactly, but I could use some advice.

'What sort of advice, Cliff?' I find it difficult to make friends.

Oh, no, no, no.

I don't do this.

Why is that, Cliff? 'That's the problem.

I don't know.

I think I'm quite nice.

' 'But I just seem to put people off.

' Why do you suppose that could be, Doctor? Talk to him.

Well, um Do you set yourself very high standards? Very.

And are you similarly critical of others as you are of yourself? That is brilliant.

Is it? 'It's just a possibility.

' But, the thing is, Cliff, nobody likes being criticised all the time.

It's off-putting.

That is so true.

Do you see that, Cliff? Yes.

Yes, of course.

Are you going to give it a try? Give what a try? What the doctor said.

Oh, yes.

Yes, I will.

Let's take a break and go down Mexico way.

Smashing.

Don't know why I bother.

I'm off, then, Doctor.

Your aunt's on the radio.

She's what? Five o'clock Roundup.

See you tomorrow.

Is that a rash? Let me look.

I'm perfectly all right, thank you.

Night, Morwenna.

Bye.

Make an appointment for whatever her name is tomorrow morning, please.

Mel.

Oh! How are you, James? Did they get you? 'So, to sum up, your basic advice is, basically, be the best you can be.

' 'No, that's not it.

' Is that Ruth? 'If you'd read the book, you might understand.

' 'Thank you, Dr Ruth.

' 'That's been most interesting.

' What's she doing on the radio? Flogging her book.

How was your day? Yes.

It was weird being without you two, but pretty good on the whole.

And how did you get on without me? Fine.

Kind.

Hello.

Hello.

All right, Crystal? Is it a double? A double what? Bed.

In the room you're renting.

I haven't really decided yet about renting.

Is that freeview or subscription? I'm not sure.

Nice, eh? All right, then, we'll give it a try? They'll take it.

No, they won't.

I mean, I'm seeing other people.

Come on, Morwenna, it was my idea.

Crystal's been at home 19 years.

Time she spread her wings.

I wasn't looking for a couple.

You don't have to take him.

She'll come on her own.

I'm sorry.

No.

Goodbye.

Tell you what, let's just try it tonight and see how we get on.

Snob.

He's fast asleep.

Yes.

What are you doing? Um Come here and sit down and I'll show you.

You see how this is worn, here? On the hour, the lifting arm drops off this pin, you see? And the striking mechanism is released.

It's our two-week anniversary tomorrow.

What is? Our wedding anniversary.

It's two weeks tomorrow.

That's not an anniversary, then, is it? It's in two weeks.

You see how this hole has become oval with wear? You can either replace this section or bore it out and fit a larger pin.

Look.

That's the That's All things bright and beautiful All creatures great and small All things wise and wonderful The Lord God made them all Thank you.

Now, don't forget to look out for the new children that are joining us this term.

Make sure they're all right.

Yeah.

Ah.

Yeah.

Now, listen up.

Members of the orchestra, you need to be here by six, sharp, for a rehearsal with Miss Woodley, because the concert starts at 7:00.

Look forward to seeing you then.

OK.

Back to your classes now.

Thank you.

Tonight's going to be a disaster.

Children can't remember a thing after the holidays.

They'll be fine.

Go on.

A few of us are going for a bite after.

Probably the Crab.

Do you want to come? Um Or would you want to get back to Dr Ellingham? You'd both be more than welcome.

But he doesn't really go out, does he? He does.

I mean, he wants to, now we're married.

He's coming to the concert.

No! Yeah.

Yeah, he is.

But I think we should probably get back straight after.

But you're both coming to the concert? Yeah.

Should be fun.

Well, I never.

Come on.

Hurry up.

Come in.

What is it? My appointment? Oh, yes.

Thank you.

Morwenna, will you look after James, please, whilst I examine, um Kelly? Her name's Mel.

And sorry, but I don't do babies at work.

Just for five minutes.

No.

Three? Here, Doc, give me here.

No.

Take off your blouse and sit on the couch.

Please.

Any symptoms, apart from the itching? I get a bit tired, but that's life.

No, it isn't.

How old are you? Gosh.

Do you take any exercise? Look, I've got a tiny itch and I'm actually not that bothered.

Ugh! What is it? It's a fungus.

Fungus? Candidal intertrigo.

It's a fungal infection.

Like a virus? No.

It's a yeast that flourishes in the moist folds of skin on fat people.

Excuse me.

Do you bathe at all? Yes, I do.

It's obviously time to step it up.

Get amongst these crevices.

Drying properly is important too.

Use a clean towel.

My towels are always clean.

Hope this doesn't reflect the level of care you're giving to our son.

Looking after him may seem easy, but it still needs to be done well.

I have standards.

You also have skin fungus.

You mind him, then.

I only come here because no-one else would.

And we pay you.

I have other patients.

You'll have to multitask, then, won't you? Shouldn't be a problem, clever man like you.

Oh, come on.

Don't be ridiculous.

Milly! If I don't see Louisa, tell her why I shan't babysit this evening.

Bye, Morwenna.

Didn't work out, then? I don't know how you put up with it.

Next patient.

So you're on the radio now? Yes.

Well, just the once.

You should do it again, definitely.

Caroline did suggest it.

Can you put these on my tab? You were brilliant.

No.

Oh, yes, very much so.

Oh, hello.

You were on the radio.

Did you catch it? Sort of.

It was for the book.

The publishers make you do it.

Why are you carrying the baby? Can you have him tonight? Louisa wants me to go to something at the school.

No, Martin.

I tried it.

And it's one of the very few areas for which I have absolutely no aptitude.

Right.

So, when are you going to be doing it again, then? What did you like about it? Everything.

All of it.

You and Caroline.

That bit where that guy phoned in.

Isn't it odd to come on the radio with your personal problems? What else was he supposed to do? I mean, Cliff He was called Cliff.

He's in a tight spot.

You're an expert.

So what's odd about it? Although, I don't think he quite understood your advice.

No? Well, perhaps I didn't explain it very well.

No? His problem may not be exactly what I thought it was.

It may be that inside he feels a bit inadequate.

So he compensates by pretending to be strong and important.

That could annoy people.

Annoy them? Well, put them off.

Maybe he should forget about himself and focus on them.

Think of something to admire about them.

Everyone likes to be admired.

He'd have loads of friends in no time.

It's just a thought.

Well, I must get on.

How often does it happen? Difficult to say.

I don't count.

About 15 times a day is average.

Anything between 10-20.

Sounds about right.

Does it relieve the discomfort? Not really, no.

Stay there.

That's your last patient.

I'm off.

Hi, Morwenna.

Hello, Mrs Ellingham.

Where's James Henry? Been crying a lot.

Has he? Hello.

Where's Mel, the nanny? She left.

Left? Yes, I've had to look after him and run a busy medical practice.

Gone? I know.

What actually happened? Remember that itch that she had? I prescribed a treatment and she flew off the handle.

I have a patient waiting.

But, Martin! It's the school concert tonight.

Who'll babysit? That's all right.

I won't go.

But you're expected to go.

By whom? Me! That's exactly the point.

Nobody expects you to go anywhere.

I'm sorry.

You've lost me.

You should want to go.

You're married to the headmistress.

I do want to.

But she walked out! Mrs Ellingham.

I hope I'm not late.

Late for what? Your aunt said you needed a baby-sitter.

How? I was doing the electrics.

Oh, you're Mike.

Keep out of this.

He fixed the electrics when your auntie looked after James.

She's no good with babies, but Mike's a natural.

Huge family.

Loads of babies.

Not his own, of course.

You're the uncle, aren't you? I'm happy to help.

There you are.

Nothing to worry about.

Oh, he's Oh, someone needs a nappy change.

He's had a nappy change.

Go and sit down.

Oh, come on.

All right.

It's not a zoo.

You read about all this bullying and so on, and she's a bit of a sensitive child, likes the arts, that sort of thing.

I'm sure she'll fit right in.

We'll keep an eye on her.

Don't you worry.

Thank you.

Is your son musical, would you say? Well I don't know.

He's a baby.

Well, does he bob his head around when music comes on the telly? We don't watch the television.

Good show.

Thank you.

Couldn't you just try a little? Try what? I know you're here and everything, and thanks for that, but couldn't you just try talking a bit? What's the point in talking if you've nothing to talk about? To be sociable.

Louisa! Woops.

Very nice evening, Louisa.

Good effort.

Thank you Going for the bonus, eh? He's not serious.

Teachers have to meet a quota for after-school activities to qualify for an annual bonus and it's a very small one.

You can always give it to me, if you don't want it.

Dennis is the chair of the school governors.

Dennis, do you know my husband? No.

I make it a point to steer clear of lawyers and doctors.

No offence, Martin.

I have heard about you, of course.

We're honoured he could be here.

Or has Mrs Ellingham just brought you along to butter me up? You see, we're going to build the most wonderful gym installation.

But Dennis here thinks it's expensive.

I just ask, is it the best use of limited finances? Yes, I think it is.

But we're boring you, Dr Ellingham.

Would you like to come to dinner? If you have a partner or wife, you could bring them too.

What do you think, darling? Well, yes.

That would be very nice.

When? Tonight.

We don't have anything in.

A bit short notice.

Tomorrow, then.

Why not? Why not? What time? Perfect.

Excuse me.

What? Why him? I was just being sociable.

He's such a bore.

You seemed to like him.

Look who's here? Hello, Joe.

You look amazing, Louisa.

Fantastic.

Really? Thank you.

I really admire your dress.

I admire you too, Doc.

Your tie, everything.

Fantastic.

Both of you, the same.

I bet you feel good.

You should do.

Nice to see you, Joe.

No, it's not.

Bye.

Just some asparagus.

I don't have time to shop.

You don't need to go shopping.

How was the concert? Lovely.

Lovely.

Thanks.

Everything all right? Six ounces of formula at 19:25.

Nappy replacement, 20:05.

Lights out, 20:14.

Asleep at approximately 20:25.

Is this OK? Sure.

What are you doing, exactly? Maximising storage.

Yeah, it drives my mum mad, but she's a bit of a scatterbrain.

I'll just pop up to see if he's all right.

Yes.

Yes.

He's tidied up in there, too.

Yeah, it's a bit finicky, isn't it? Is it? What's all that with the dishes? Rationalising space.

Tidy house, tidy mind.

But it was tidy.

Yeah.

Thanks, Mike, he's well away, and everything's so tidy.

Really shouldn't have.

It's no problem.

How much do we owe you? £14 and 30 pence.

Oh, let's just call it £15.

Mike, thanks very much.

You've been brilliant.

I've got the change if you want it.

No, don't be silly.

And thanks for helping out.

We're actually looking for someone - I've got that sorted.

So, Mike, thank you so much.

Good night.

Oh, I changed your circuit.

It's a common trip.

You really need a medium voltage.

Is what we have safe? I wouldn't have used it otherwise, Mr Ellingham.

Good night.

It's Doctor.

Thank you.

So what are we going to do? I don't know, Martin.

I'm sure you'll think of something.

I can't find it anywhere.

It's just two sheets of paper with the school logo on the top and a signature on the bottom.

I know I left it on the table.

Sure you haven't put it somewhere? Where did you have it last? Like I just said, on the table, before we went to the concert.

I bet Mike's put it somewhere.

That's my PCT report.

I really ought to have my own office space.

Maybe you could get more work done when you're at the school.

Martin! It's silly Daddy! All right? Just bills, I'm afraid.

You're wanting a lodger, are you? Yeah.

If you can hang on, my boy will be back next week.

It will suit him perfectly.

Has he done his prison term, then? but it's a nice, big house.

He'd appreciate the space.

I don't think that's going to work.

He's as quiet as a lamb on his medication.

It's tempting, but no.

How long this time? It started Wednesday.

Wednesday evening.

Is it worse or better than the last time? It's difficult to say.

What? It's difficult to say.

A bit worse, maybe? Couldn't your missus have taken him to school? There's plenty of people there.

What? Tiny Help are on the phone.

What? The child-minder people, Tiny Help.

Can they send someone? What, like a baby-sitter? Yes.

They're out of baby-sitters until Friday.

Friday? Hello? Shh.

Sorry.

I was wondering if it's OK to turn the power of for 30 seconds while I fit this safety trip.

Here, give him to me.

Yes.

Take the cat.

Thank you.

Now, right.

Now, please.

I have a patient.

Come on, then.

You're amazing with it.

Mr Turner, I beg your pardon.

Take your hands away.

Keep the st*lks that long, do you? Yes.

It's a misconception that only the tips have merit.

Like only eating the icing on the cake.

I can't find anything since Mike moved everything.

It's quite a good system, ceramics and bakeware there.

What are you looking for? Wine glasses.

You want the left-hand cupboard of the dresser.

I've, um persuaded him to come tomorrow.

Who? Michael.

Tomorrow? And you didn't think to discuss it with me first? Discuss what? The person who'll be looking after our baby.

This is a solution to our problem.

No, it's not.

We don't know a thing about him.

James likes him.

He's a baby.

Well, let's try him until Friday and then make a decision.

What decision? Whether to employ him permanently.

Oh, permanent.

We'll be coming back to this.

Good evening.

Hiya.

Dennis.

Hi, Karen.

This is my husband, Martin.

Hey.

How do you do? Doctor.

Got a red and a white, just in case.

Have you been to a party? No.

Why? I just wondered.

This hasn't changed since Jim's time, has it? No.

No, not really.

Apart from the furniture, which is mine.

Can I Can I give you a hand? What are we having? I think I knocked these two rooms into one myself.

It must be 20 years ago now, something like that.

Working for old Danny Parton.

Got my own company now, of course.

Well done.

I'll put that in the refrigerator.

Oh.

Martin, are you doing the drinks? Uh Yes.

We have a sherry or maybe something soft.

Oh, I'd love a glass of white, if I may.

They've been drinking already.

Did you smell her? How about you, Dennis? Oh, never say no to a drop of red.

Oh, God.

Red.

Where's the little chap? Has he gone beddy-byes? Yeah.

Sorry, you just missed him.

Oh, I love babies.

Do you? Are you thinking about it? We'd love kids, wouldn't we? My three, by my first marriage, all flew the nest long ago.

Can't wait to have another cr*ck.

It would be a shame to waste all this youthful vitality.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Martin doesn't drink.

Thanks.

Dennis, would you like some red? You bet.

Actually, I think I'll join you.

Chin-chin.

Have you got any salt? It's been seasoned.

It's fine.

I'll just get some.

They're going to love playing on that gym equipment.

If we hadn't wanted a head teacher with passionate views we shouldn't have chosen you.

No.

Have you seen a major sporting event recently? Have I what? Have you, um, watched a football match or a horse race? There was the Champion's League.

That was rubbish.

I love football.

Do you never drink, Martin? No, I don't.

Because you don't like the stuff or on principle? Uh-oh.

Oh, he sounds lonely.

He'll settle in a moment or two.

Discipline, eh, Doctor? You can't discipline a baby, they're so little.

Yes, you can.

Do you find it a problem having a good time? Letting your guard down? Having a bit of fun? You only live once, you know.

Why would it be fun to pickle the neural pathways of my brain with alcohol? Everybody knows the Department of Health guidelines.

What you may not know is that excessive use of alcohol has a devastating effect on fertility and spontaneous abortion, so if you want to have a baby - It's difficult being a doctor, because you're never off duty.

Martin, check on James, please.

Yes.

Excuse me.

Shh.

He's dry.

You cannot invite people and then treat them like that.

Merely pointing out a few basic medical truths.

No, you weren't.

You were being deliberately rude.

He was rude first.

Don't be childish.

Of course he's rude.

He's a moron.

'But you knew that before you invited him.

' 'He's also chairman of the school governors, so grin and bear it.

' 'When are they leaving?' 'I don't know, do I?' As they're here, it's up to us to be nice.

Why must they drink so much? They're drunks! They can't help it.

'He never used to be, but he wants to keep up with her.

' 'We don't judge.

Nobody's business but their own.

' I'm sorry, but I'm a doctor.

No, you're a host and they're guests.

So let's go down there, apologise and try to enjoy the evening.

All right? Hm.

You just wanted to say hello.

Look who's here to join the party.

Karen, Dennis, this is James.

James, this is Karen and Dennis.

Oh, dear.

Get your stuff, Karen.

Why don't we have some coffee and calm down? I'm sure we can work this out.

Does that happen much, with your arm? No.

Come on, Karen.

How often? It's his arthritis.

Dennis, I'm so sorry.

Save it, Louisa.

We haven't really seen eye to eye.

Now it's in the open.

Go on, Karen.

The moron's taking you home.

Good night.

Well, that went well.

Why are you looking at me like that? It's not my fault they're ghastly.

Then why ask them for dinner? For you.

Martin.

Louisa.

Louisa! Morning.

Sorry.

He's sleep all day if you let him.

So long as you weren't next to me, snoring.

You're home today, then? But back next summer, right? Oh, and the good news is that they talked to a family moving in this afternoon, for a fortnight.

Good morning.

Let me give you a hand.

Lovely vehicle.

Top of the range.

Not cheap, but worth every penny.

A very wise choice.

Allow me.

Thanks.

My privilege.

Just glad to help a pillar of our community.

You all right, Dennis? You what? I was No offence.

I was just wondering if you were a teeny bit What? Well, just a teeny bit tipsy.

You what? Nothing wrong with that.

Shows a sense of fun.

It's 8:30 in the morning.

Unusual, yes, but is it possible that, despite your best endeavours, a little bit of alcohol got left in your blood last night? By mistake, of course.

Perhaps better to walk? Idiot.

I could fetch your groceries if you like.

Don't forget your seatbelt.

Sorry.

I'll pay for it.

Right.

Blow in there.

Deep breath.

I will not.

You shouldn't have parked so close.

You leave me no choice.

Dennis Dodds, I arrest you for - Give it here.

Negative.

Of course it is.

What do you think I am? I'm not happy about this.

Not happy at all.

Fancy another go? You ain't heard the last of this.

You all right, Cliff? I'll look in on my way to school and see him.

If you really want to.

Of course I don't want to.

But they had a horrible time here.

We didn't insist that they turn up inebriated.

That's what some people call merry.

You don't need to make such a fuss.

You called him a moron and both of them drunks, I seem to remember.

Doc.

Louisa.

Oh, hi, Joe.

You all right? What do you want? Official police business.

Morning.

Oh.

How are you doing? Can we talk somewhere in private? Yes, go through.

How do you cheat a breathalyzer? What? I've just come from a DUI and the perp cheated the test.

Driving under the influence.

Dennis Dodds.

How did you know he was drunk? Trust me.

He was bladdered.

No balance.

Problems with his speech.

Then he blows into the device.

Zero.

What else? Well, he's chairman of the parish council.

He can make your life hell like that.

I mean, what else did he do? Are you certain he was drunk? He's known for it, Doc.

Ask anyone.

All right? Yes.

What? Oh, hello, Karen.

Sorry.

I just wanted to see how you are today.

You'll have to speak to Dennis.

He's over at the new house.

Great.

Thanks.

Dennis.

Dennis! Dennis, can I have a word? I just wanted to talk through last night.

That was a very necessary wake-up call.

I'm grateful.

Oh.

I've been too easygoing.

You run rings around recommendations with your snooty, "I know best" attitude.

You seem to forget who gave you the job in the first place.

That playground rubbish ain't going to happen.

Dennis, if you've an issue with me - I'm trying to talk to you! Dennis! If you're cross with me, that's one thing, but please don't take it out on the kids.

Get off.

You're rude, you're arrogant and you're a drunk.

And you really need to look at yourself and do something about it.

Dennis! Dennis! God! Louisa? Martin, it's Dennis.

He's had a bad fall.

Where are you? Number 5, Drugellis Way, where the new-builds are.

Just keep still.

I think I just winded myself.

Look, keep still.

Oh, God, you poor thing.

What's happened? I'm fine.

But he just fell from up there.

And I think he's still a bit drunk.

No, he's not.

He just gets tired and it makes his speech lazy.

Any loss of sensation you're aware of? No, I just winded myself.

How about your sense of smell? Oh, it's just the same, I reckon.

I've only got only one of these Since when? Oh, about a year, now you mention it.

Ow! I feel that.

I think it's Parkinson's.

Normally a person would stop blinking after a few taps, but not if you've got Parkinson's.

Ow! No, that's not arthritis.

I'd need to do tests, but that's what it is.

Dennis, darling.

You might have both noticed if you weren't drunk all the time.

I'm sorry.

I'm really sorry, Dennis.

A lot can be done nowadays, with the right treatment.

Let's go to the surgery.

You all right to walk? Just take it slowly.

Yeah, I know.

How's that? It hurts a bit.

Try not to touch it.

Your hand could be dirty.

I'll get some antiseptic when we get back.

How did you do it? I walked into a glass door.

Why? I didn't do it on purpose.

It was an accident.

Morning.

Al.

Door was open.

There's nobody here, so Do you want an appointment? Uh Uh Morwenna, um Can I live with you? Well, not not like that, but as a lodger.

Because I've been sleeping with my dad.

It's Yeah.

Please.

It is a bit pricey, I'm afraid.

How much? Um £50 a week? Sit down and wait.

Louisa, will you come through? I think you ought to see Dennis first.

Five minutes won't make a difference.

I'll be quick.

So, yep.

That's great.

And then there's the deposit.

Take a seat on the end of the couch.

I feel a fraud having you do this, while Dennis sits out there.

Shh, shh.

What? What is it? How often do you wash your hair? Enough.

Why? What is it? Seborrhoea capitis.

What's that? Dandruff.

It's more common in women half your age.

Perhaps you're not rinsing properly.

I do rinse properly.

Hm.

I'll get some cotton wool.

Al, what are you doing? I'm moving in.

Perhaps I have a secret admirer.

Is that a realistic proposition? 'People are surprisingly eclectic in their sexual inclinations.