[Mouse squeaks]
[Penguins chirp]
[Screeches]
[All cheering]
[Screeches]
[Quacks]
I "Adventure Time" J“
I Come on, grab your friends J“
J“ We're going to
very distant lands J“
J“ With Jake the dog
and Finn the human I
J“ The fun will never end J“
I It's "Adventure Time" I
Hmm. Let's see what else
the cards say.
This card means you're a man.
Okay.
[Laughs]
No, I'm kidding.
It means you're nice.
I'm learning truth about myself.
[Laughs]
Hey, Dad, What if
I called you "Papa"?
"I love the sea, Papa!"
How are your card fingers
feeling?
That's a weird thing
to say, Papa.
Have you seen cards
Iike...this?!
What?
No! Not today!
— No Card Wars!
—[Sp|ash]
She sunk like a stone!
[Groans]
Ah, there's no time to go back!
The tourney starts in an hour!
BMO is always fine.
I don't understand.
Card Wars, the great
and venerable game of old.
It is the king and queen
of tabletop games.
It combines the mechanics
of simulated combat,
hand management,
commodity speculation,
Worker placement,
blind auctioning,
and set collection.
Battle happens
in one of four combat lanes,
each deriving its power from one
of the 16 themed elements ——
corn, wheat, blue, crystals,
acumen, torpor, frozen lakes,
lizard holes, learning...
[Waves rumbling]
[Yawns loudly]
That's too many rules.
I don't do cards
to follow rules.
But you could be so good!
Daddy's pro—tege!
Of course I'd be good at it,
but I'm not into it.
Look, I lost track
of how old I am.
Maybe I'm almost 40.
I don't know.
I at least need
to unpack my last decade
before embarking
on my next decade.
I've got to win
and be dignified.
205 are for regretting,
305 are for being dignified,
and 40s are older
than I ever want to be.
Hmm.
O...kay.
You give me one of your...
bones”.
and I'll play one of your games.
—[Electricity crackles]
—[Groans]
DOORMAN:
I activate the Barrel.
JAKE:
I floop the Cooper.
— Mmmwah!
— Mmmwah!
Cute!
Welcome, Charlie, to the 59th
Card Wars Doubles Classic!
That's Todd and Jennings
signing in.
And over there,
Benton and Mike R.
Luke and Captain Majesty.
Mr. Outrageous
and Mr. International.
Who's that, Papa?
That's...uh...
the reigning champs.
Jake?
[Waves build]
Grand Prix.
GRAND PRIX: Man, I thought
you swore off tourney play,
like, angrily swore it off.
—[Moniker clears throat]
— GRAND PRIX: Oh. Uh, pardon.
HeHo,Jake.
Is that you, Moniker?
How are you?
— We've been just grea—
— Her?
Oh, this is my daughter/
Card Wars partner, Charlie!
'Sup?
That's fantastic, Jake.
You always wanted kids.
Well, she's a chip
off the old block, I'll bet.
Us, we're running the local
after—school OW. program,
just like where you and me
first met.
Most clays, we're busy running
the screen—printing shop,
but, uh, we still make time
for the tourney,
— just for fun, you know.
— [Waves crashing]
Yes! We're all here
to have fun!
Well, got to sign in.
Come, Charlie!
Nice meeting you.
— That's your ex, huh?
— What?
Nothing.
You've definitely got a type.
[Laughs]
ANNOUNCER: Round 1!
Jake and Charlie,
A.K.A. Team Dignified,
Versus Reggie and Pete the punk.
— Ohhhh!
— Blah, blah, blah!
Commence Card Wars!
I floop the Hay Barn,
and I att*ck with Feed Man!
ANNOUNCER: A solid move
from the veteran Jake.
Least Bean Ball Bomba.
ANNOUNCER:
Bean Ball!
Bean Ball?!
ANNOUNCER: Feed Man's
power source is gone!
No, no, no!
No...big deal.
[Inhales sharply]
Your turn, sweetie.
Okay.
I'll play...
this one.
[Beep]
[Chuckles]
"Floop."
[Whirrrrrl]
Granary Weevil,
on your first draw?!
Unprecedented.
And combined with a downed
Feed Man, that means...
ANNOUNCER: He's right.
It's Infinite Haymaker!
That's game!
A stunning move
from the newcomer Charlie.
She's a real pro—tege.
We win!
— Whoo! [Laughs]
—[Laughing]
Yeah, I'm out.
What?!
One bone, one game.
But I'm not done burying my 20s.
Do you want more bones?
Is that it?!
Nah.
I only need one.
Catch ya on the flip, Papa.
[Squish!]
[Rattle!]
ANNOUNCER:
Round 2 starts in five minutes.
Still dignified.
Psst.
Lost your partner, huh?
Hey, don't worry.
We won't tattle.
[Ting!]
I will crush you, Grand Prix.
[Wind Whistling]
I'm ho—o—me!
Hey, you two been kissing?
What—what?!
[Creakl]
Me hungy.
Gomp!
All y'all keep quiet!
Charlie's flexin'!
Let's see.
Finally, I've got
the hair of the mother
and a bone of the father.
Time to do a rare turbo—boosted
personal reading.
Self—care mega—blow.
ANNOUNCER:
It's the semifinal round,
and Mr. Outrageous has Jake
on the ropes.
JAKE: [Thinking] I can still
play my Ultra Dog
and force a draw.
And while technically
a legal move,
it’s considered
a low—class maneuver
this late in the tourney.
[Groans]
Jake.
Do it!
I play...Ultra Dog!
ANNOUNCER:
A shocking move!
Ultra Dog att*cks the
Tilled Field with "Cold Nose"!
Which means...cat's game!
But by tourney rules,
the slight point lead gives
the win to Team Dignified!
They advance to the finals
versus Grand Prix and Moniker.
Just a garbage, garbage win.
[Chuckles evilly]
[Gasps]
What am I doing?!
[Waves rumbling]
[Cards shuffle]
All right.
The deck is ripe.
Let's see what the cards say.
Dad!
Why are you here?
This one's about me!
[Groaning]
That's too much sandwich!
You got to chew!
Gah!
Is this my 205?
Dad was right.
I've got to fix
these "faults of youth."
My 30s?
IIoohost
My 40s.
I'm afraid.
Also, I'm naming you "Gibbon."
My 50s.
Midlife crisis.
Good luck, Gibbon!
My 60s.
I'm unfamiliar
with my changing body.
My 70s.
I begin
to lose people around me.
My 80s.
I'm afraid again.
My 90s.
I'm content and wise!
Yeah!
Wrinkles!
Oh, no!
I've been a total wand
to my dad!
I've got to go help him!
Come on, Jakey.
pull it together.
Blah! Win!
Win at all costs!
No! I bury you!
Feel your 205!
No, no, no!
CHARLIE: Be cool.
Mom?
No, Papa.
It's your 90—year—old daughter.
You flake!
Be content.
[Screams]
Whoa!
Whoo! Whoo!
— Whoop! Whoop!
— Whoop! Whoop!
[Both Whooping]
Ka—pow!
— Whoop!
— Yeah!
— Whoop!
— What—what?!
Dignified!
Yeah!
Winners —— Grand Prix
and Moniker Des Louise.
[Waves rumbling]
[Rumbling fades]
Good game, Grand Prix, Moniker.
[Chuckles]
Okay.
I Come along with me I
I And the butterflies and bees I
This party is so crazy!