03x02 - Blind Man's Bluff

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ country music begins playing]

[ man hoots]

♪ Care for a dip
from feet ♪

♪ Or a howdy-hello
from the people you meet ♪

♪ Well, we got the place
where your stomach will turn ♪

♪ And if you don't block it,
your skin, it will burn ♪

ALL:
♪ Our Whiplash Gorge
packs a one-two punch ♪

♪ Gotta hunch...
you're gonna lose... ♪

♪ Your lunch!

[ laughing]

[ groans]

Knock it off, Phil.

Can't help it, Lil.

I got Slosh Mountain fever.

The coolest water park ever,
and we're going tomorrow--

without our parents!

Uh, guys, I've been thinking...

Do I really want to careen off
the side of a -foot cliff

in a used inner tube?

TOMMY:
Chuckie...

you can't back out now.

Susie's singing and
she's expecting us.

Not to mention they finally
reopened Whiplash Gorge.

After settling all
those pesky lawsuits.

Oh... Tommy's right.

I made a decision to conquer
my fear of Whiplash Gorge

and that's exactly
what I plan to do.

Good call, Chuckie.

You have
nothing to fear
but fear itself.

That's what I'm afraid of.

[ class bell ringing]

Oh...

Why didn't you tell me

you're singing at
Slosh Mountain tomorrow?

This is huge!

Well... you know,
it's not a solo

but it's still
a good gig.

Wait a minute...

What do you want?

You got any more
free tickets?

I gave them all away.

To everyone but me?

I didn't think
you wanted to come.

I didn't.

I just wanted to do
Whiplash Gorge.

And FYI, so do
your dumb friends.

I bet they don't
even go

to your lousy show.

BOTH:
♪ Gotta hunch...

♪ You're gonna lose...
your lunch. ♪

This isn't
going to be easy.

But don't worry,
I can handle it.

Boys, I, uh...

Your mother wants
to talk to you.

We're having a bit
of a family crisis.

Your dad's convention
got rescheduled
for today,

Grandma Minka
has to take care
of her sister, Geedle,

and I have an
emergency blood drive to run.

Yeah?

So, you two have
to pick up Grandpa

from the optometrist.

No!

Mom, how can you
do this to us?!

You're going to deny us
Slosh Mountain

so you can work a blood drive?

That is so... so selfish.

We feel terrible,
but Grandpa Boris
is older now.

He needs some
help doing things.

Dil, let go
of my ankles,

they're
getting sweaty.

But Mom, Susie's expecting us.

I'm sure
she'll understand.

But Mom...Enough.

You want to be treated
more like adults?

Well, with that comes
responsibility.

Whoa... wait.

I think there's been
some confusion here.

I don't need to be treated
like an adult.

That was Tommy's deal.

Man, that just about tore me up.

SUSIE:
Uh, Mom,

don't you think
this hem line's a little 's?

s?

[ telephone ringing]

Hello.

Oh, hey, Tommy, what's up?

Really?

Oh, no, no,
I totally understand.

Tell your grandpa I said hi.

BOY:
For the love of mercy--

help me!

LIL:
What is it, Chuck?

Just reading the fine print.

Specifically that Slosh Mountain
is not responsible

for extreme bodily harm.

Ah, you know lawyers.

Always so worried
about losing limbs.

[ children screaming]

Awesome...

[ laughing]

Yikes.

PHIL:
Ten bucks says I can throw up
more than anyone here.

You're on.

Don't do it, Kimi.

He has a wicked
gag reflex.

Oh, this is
so messed up.

Check it out:

This is you
after Mom told us

we couldn't go
to Slosh Mountain.

"Huh?!"

BORIS:
Don't touch me!

I can walk fine!

You didn't dilate my legs, hmm?!

Now, Mr. Krepotkin,
the best thing

is to rest your eyes

while they're
dilated like this.

Maybe take
a nice, long nap.

You take a nap!

I'm not blind!

Oy!

BORIS:
I don't need any help
getting home.

In the old country,
we'd walk ten miles

just to get some milk--

and it wasn't even
the real thing.

Did you happen to notice
where this bus goes?

[ humming Slosh Mountain
theme music]

Slosh Mountain?

No way.

Pish Mountain-- what's that?

Uh... nothing,
Grandpa.

You know, we could
still go.

How?

We'll park him
somewhere

and tell him he's
at the senior center.

If Mom and Dad
found out, we'd be toast.

We'd be
lucky to be toast.

We'd be the burnt stuff
scraped off the toast.

They won't find out.

We'll see Susie sing,
hit Whiplash Gorge--

in and out,
minutes.

Oh, I don't know.

Technically,
they didn't say

we couldn't go
to Slosh Mountain.

They said
to pick up Grandpa.

Who says we can't
do both?

It would be a shame
to waste the tickets.

Now you're talking.

And just think
of poor Grandpa,

stuck in that stuffy
house all day with
his broken eyes.

And if we wanted chocolate milk,

it was another ten miles
for the cocoa,

which was just
a very nice-tasting dirt.

The fresh air
would probably be
good for him.

Well, here we
are, Grandpa,

good old
senior center.

Why'd you bring me here?

I hate this place!

You love
the senior center.

All your friends
are here.

What friends?

Harry? All he talks about
are his gallstones.

Ira?

That gonifowes me
ten big ones.

Anyway, are you sure
this is the senior center?

Doesn't sound like it...

or smell like it.

Uh... that's because, uh...

it's deep-fried
chocolate bar Tuesday.

We'll snag you one.

Stay right here, Grandpa.
Don't go anywhere.

Don't have any fun, you mean.

Grab me a cup of coffee,
will you?

Ira?

Is that you?

It's you, all right,
you welcher.

You still owe me ten bucks
from canasta night.

And this time
I'm not accepting rubles.

Come back here, Ira!

You-you-you-you gonif...

Who you calling
"Ira," old man?

The name's Irving.

Oh, I sorry.

Aha, there's Ira.

Grandpa, you
want milk or...

Grandpa?

Oh no.

Dil!
What?

We lost Grandpa!

[ boy screaming]

DIL:
Okay, I'm an old dude

with whacked-out vision.

Where do I go?

Boris?!

Oh, why did
I listen to you?

I knew this
was a huge mistake.

Why are you so freaked?

Oh, I don't know--
maybe because we lost

a temporarily blind
elderly man

in the middle of
a -acre death trap.

Just chill, brother-man.

What could
possibly happen?

You can't hide forever!

You hear me, Ira?!

[ children yelling]

[ sputtering]

Oh!

Watch it, Pops!

Uh, pardon me.

I'm looking for
my old nemesis, Ira.

Last name,
Kieselheim.

Occupation,
no-goodnick.

Nice Schnauzer.

[ crying]

What'd I say?

It's crowded
all of a sudden.

I feel like a canned tuna.

[ people complaining]

[ engines revving]

[ gasping]

[ gasp]

[ yells]

[ tires squeal, then crash]

Should never have given
those old fogies

those electric wheelchairs.

[ thumping]

KIDS:
Move it!

Hey, watch it!

Watch where you're going!

Hey, watch out!

Mister!

Blow it out
of your hearing aids!

This is it...
Whiplash Gorge.

The only ride in the world
with its own hospital.

[ siren blaring]

The stuff of dreams.

Bad dreams.

You'd have to be crazy
to go on this thing.

Who's first?!

Help me!

Check out the
massive line.

We'll be here
for hours!

Oh, wouldn't
you know...

the line for Drippy Hill
is nonexistent.

[ infantile music plays softly]

Yep, I'll just go on Drippy Hill

and by the time I'm done,
this line'll be down.

Guys?

Fine.

I'll go with you to the top.

But I'm not making any promises!

SUSIE:
♪ La-la-la-la-la-la-la...

[ singing ascending
and descending notes]

Hey, Suze--
ready to rock out?

You know it.

Did you say you needed
six seats or four?

Oh... just four.

Two of my friends canceled.

They're taking care
of their grandfather.

♪ Mi-mi-mi-mi...

Or not!

For once in her life,
Angelica's right.

They don't care about me!

Just Whiplash Gorge.

Grandpa!

Boris!

Just so you know,

if we never find him,
this is all on you.

I think we're looking at this
the wrong way.

Maybe grandpas are like
chickens,

and some prefer
the comfort

and security
of the hen house,

while others are born
to roam the free range.

Do you believe
even half the stuff

that comes out of
your mouth?

There he is!

Grandpa Boris!

Sweet!

Can you make intestines?

TOMMY:
That's it, Dil.

We're calling security.

No way.

They'll take our names.

If they take our names,
they'll call Mom and Dad.

If they call
Mom and Dad...

Remember your toast speech?

Yeah.

But what other options
do we have?

Phil, Lil, Chuckie
and Kimi are here.

They'll help us find him.

It can't be that hard.

Ha! Thought you could give me
the slip, huh, Ira?

BORIS:
I'd know that walker
anywhere!

Come back here, Ira!

Oy.

Yah.

[ grumbling and grunting]

Aha-- now I've got you.

Oy.

[ pebbles rattling down,
rocks banging ground]

[ children talking
and shouting happily]

BORIS:
Huh.

What's this?

Where am I?

This isn't the senior center.

[ child whooping happily]

[ screaming]

[ Chuckie screaming]

Chuckie?

[ wheezing]

That was wicked awesome.

Let's go again!

TOMMY:Guys!

PHIL:
Why are you here?

I thought you had
Grandpa duty.

We sort of brought him here,
but then Dil lost him.

Me?

That's right, you.

It's your fault
this happened.

How is it my fault?

You listened to a guy

wearing a bathing suit
and a ski cap.

How smart was that?

You...!

You use your hocus-pocus
mind-control junk on me.

You know exactly what
I'm talking about.

I did not do that.

Besides, everyone knows it
doesn't work around water.

KIMI:
Stop it, you two.

We're going to find him.

Let's break up
and cover the park.

Tommy, Dil and I will search
the north end.

Phil, Lil and Chuckie,
take the south end.

How will we know if
one of us finds him?

[ radio waves whining, static]

[ static burst]

Emergency!
Hey!

No time to explain!

We're with the law, kid.

Mommy!

Okay, I'm Team Leader Alpha.

Phil's Team Leader Delta.

Yes!

In your face, Lil.

Houston, we have a problem.

We're going down.

What about Susie's show?

We're in a crisis situation.

She'll understand if
we're a little late.

[ children shouting happily]

One minute.

[ frog croaks]

[ children shouting happily]

Team Leader Alpha
to Team Leader Delta.

Report. Over.

LIL [ over radio]:
Team Leader Delta. Over.

Lil, what happened to Phil?

LIL:
I relieved him of command.

He was being an idiot.

Any sign of Blind Eagle?

Still looking.

You? Over.

Negative.

TOMMY:
There he is!

On the Colorado Rapids.

[ Boris shouting happily]

Go! Go...!

[ shouting happily]

Ride 'em, cowboy!

[ gasps]

KIMI:
Go, go, go!

[ shouting and grunting]

Uh, hold it.

There's a little matter
of a stolen walkie-talkie.

Yippee!

Ah, this sure beats
free hearing-test day.

[ engines puttering]

[ bellowing like Tarzan]

Oh, they got you, too?

Afraid so.

All right, you know
why you're here.

Don't steal,
et cetera.

Just watch this video
about pool rules

and you can go.

Sir, we can explain.

Please don't.

Frank, hit the lights.

VIDEO NARRATOR:
The film you are about to see

may shock you!

It is the only way to emphasize
the danger you face

every time you visit
a swimming pool.

A danger known as not waiting
at least a half an hour

between eating and swimming.

[ swimmer retching]

[ gasps]

Stop!

My grandpa's in trouble!

DIL:
Yeah-- you should never

go backside on
a four-foot curl.

Yahoo!

All right,
we're on our way.

You found him?

Where is he?

GUARD:
Whiplash Gorge.

[ Susie crying, singing]:
♪ Ooh, ooh, baby

[ Susie singing off-key]:
♪ Hate to be dumb

♪ That's not enough...

[ mid-tempo
rock 'n' roll playing]

Ha... hi!

Hey, you can't cut!

That old guy totally cut
in front of me.

Aw, stuff it!

I'm a senior citizen.

I can do whatever I want.

MAN:
There he is!

Get him!

[ blasting whistle]

[ Boris laughing]

You're not sending me back
to Geezerville!

Not till I do Whiplash Gorge!

Ow!

Ha-ha... hi!

Yahoo!

[ Boris laughing and shouting]

Ya-hi!

[ screaming]

[ guitar strumming]

ANGELICA:
Excuse you! Pardon you!

Hey, watch the legs!

[ music picks up]

♪ Ooh... baby...

[ Boris shouting and laughing]

[ Boris laughing]

[ Boris grunting and shouting]

Mr. Krepotkin![ music stops]

BORIS:
Yahoo!

Grandpa, it's me,
Tommy!

Just stay
where you are.

You're safe now.

Safe, shmafe!

Are you ready to rock?!

[ audience cheering]

[ band starts playing
up-tempo rock song]

[ cheering and shouting]

DIL:
What was up with that
disappearing act, Grandpa?

You almost gave Tommy
a meltdown.

And kudos on
the wicked sweet stage dive.

Uh...

I'm sorry, boychik.

It's just that, well,
when you're old,

people don't let you have fun
so much anymore.

I guess I got
a little carried away.

You know,
they don't always

let you have fun when
you're a kid, either.

Um... maybe we keep this little
adventure between us, huh?

BOTH:Deal.
Now thatwas mind control.

Hmm-- I thought

it didn't work
around water.

Oh, it does.

What?

I can't tell you everything.

Susie, I am so sorry.

Sorry.

LIL:
Me too.

KIMI:
We meant to be here.

No worries, guys.

I know it wasn't on purpose.

Sorry I did a stage dive

in the middle of
your number, Susielah.

But an old guy's got to do
what an old guy's got to do.

Actually, the audience loved it
so much

we're booked
for the next three weeks.

You up for
a repeat performance?

DIDI:
Hey, you guys.

How was the optometrist?

Oh, piece of cake.

In and out in minutes.
No big surprises.

Well, we have a surprise
for you boys.

We felt really awful

about making you miss
your trip, so...

We got you season passes
to Slosh Mountain.

For real?

Whoa!

Look at you two.

Acting like
responsible adults.

I'm so proud.

DIDI:
Tommy, Dil, how did you boys
get so sunburned?

And Dad, why do you smell
like chlorine?

BORIS:
I, uh... uh-oh.

CHUCKIE:
That was wicked awesome.

Let's go again!