03x07 - Rats Race

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ engine racing]

[ laughing maniacally]

Ya-hoo!

I'm... gaining... on... you...

[ laughing]

CHUCKIE:
Oh!

You just made me cream
half my pit crew!

Imagine taking this puppy
down Nosebleed Hill.

And crashing it?

No, sailing past the finish line
in front of the entire town.

The only thing standing
between us and this race

is building one of these cars.

And crashing it?!

No.

What's the fun in racing

if you don't walk away
from a wall of flames?

Let's see how many horsies
we got under here.

So, how do you
open this thing?

MAN:
Boys, if I may
step in here.

Oil Can Bonnet?

There is no latch
because there is no engine.

This here is streak car racing,

going down
a thousand-foot hill

at speeds
of miles an hour,

nothing between your behind
and the asphalt

but a thin layer of balsa wood.

Wow!

Cool!

This is pathetic.

I'm being upstaged
by auto parts.

Hey!

Watch where
you're drooling.

Talk about pathetic--

check out that
antiquated idea.

Wouldn't catch me
in one of those pageants,

parading around
for a bunch of judges

like I'm in some dog show.

No way, sister.

Ooh...

I'd love to be a derby princess,

wear a pretty crown.

I don't know why,
but when you're
into sports,

nobody sees you
as a girl anymore.

Ooh!

Hey, meathead--
a little room here, huh?!

[ sighs]

This is so... boring.

[ yawns broadly]

I just found a boredom buster.

Hey, Pickles...

I promised
I wouldn't tell you,

but seeing we're cousins
and all...

See that girl
coming toward us?

She told me
she likes you.

But she's an eighth-grader.

Just trying to give you
a ray of hope

in your sad life.

But, hey.

Hey, you want a lift?

Huh?

Ah...

Look out!

[ all screaming]

[ tires screech]

Angelica's been doing
stuff like that
my whole life--

I'm sick of it!

Aah, don't take it
personally, Tommy.

It's just
a cousin thing.

She's my cousin, too,

but she's
really nice to me.

She was totally
there for me
on my quest

for the lost city
of Atlantis.

Well, that must be

why she dunked you
in the pool for so long.

I'm going
to go, Tommy.

We've got
a race to enter,
cars to build.

That we can crash?

No!No!
No!

[ screaming]

Aah!
Ow!
Ouch!Ouch!
Cool!

[ tires screeching]

[ crashing]

That's it-- I don't have
the stomach for racing.

I'm out.

I'm back in.

As you can see,

these children have taken
your basic streak car kit

and modified them for speed,

or according
to their own interests--

baseball,

aquatic adventure.

[ kids laughing]

That one's mine.

An homage to
the greatest band ever: Heart.

In front of you
is an order form.

Bring that in with a check,

and you, too, can be
a streak car racer.

Goosebumps.

PHIL:
This much money
just to crash a car?

I'm out.

Or was I already out?
I forget.

I got an idea:

Why don't we all chip in
and buy one car?

Work as a team?

Who's going to drive it?

Me.
I am.

It was my idea.

Guys, there's only
one logical choice--

I'm writing a number
between

and infinity on my hand.

I don't know--
,?

How did you do that?!

Hey, I was going
to say that number.

Come on, Phil,
you can crash it later.

I'm in!

Good-- One for all,
and all for fun!

Ow! I said I was out.

PHIL:
What do we do first?

CHUCKIE:
Not a clue.

Thanks, Tommy.

Still no clue.

This was
a bad idea.

Maybe I'll
just put it

on my "fun things
to do someday" list--

above wing walking
and below wearing a cape.

I tried the cape thing.

First few minutes-- wow!

After that,
surprisingly dull.

HAROLD:
Hey, guys!

Holy mayhem--
Phil crashed the
car already?!

We haven't figured out
how to make it yet.

You better
get cracking.

Did you hear the nationals
are being held in Paris, Texas,

home of the two-pound waffle?

Come on, guys, we'll make
popcorn, grab some sodas

and figure this thing out.

It'll be fun.

Can we get in our PJs
and tickle each other?

Uh... no.

[ others laughing]

[ laughter echoing]

Hmm...

[ school bell ringing]

HAROLD:
Hey!

Give me back my crumb ca...

Oh, Angelica.

Listen, Frumkin, I've been
hearing laughing and music

coming from
the Pickles' garage,

and I want to know
what's going on.

Aw, gee,

I don't think
I should be divulging

that kind of...

They're building a car
for the derby!

That's it?

Ha! Check, please.

First prize is a trip
to the nationals
in Paris.

Paris?!

You get to go
to Paris, France

for riding a
souped-up skateboard
down a hill?

If anyone should be going
to Paris, it's me.

Those fashion don'ts wouldn't
know what to do in Paris.

Angelica, I didn't say
Paris, Fr...

I got to go.

Oh. Here's
your crumb cake.

If I were you,
I'd ask for a new one.

This one's all crumbs.

Mom, I've got to win this race.

Got to! Got to! Got to!

I need to go to Paris.

Need to! Need to! Need to!

If you really
want to win, baby,

you'll need to build
the fastest machine
on the road.

You'll need
to raise capital.

Capital?!

As in money?

I don't know how
to raise money.

That's what
Momma's here for.

I'm going to teach you
how to take

an aggressive,
take-no-prisoners approach.

My little girl's
going to have

the best car somebody
else's money can buy--

microdensity fiberglass,
rack-and-pinion steering.

Perfect triangulation
for lowered wind resistance.

Where'd that come from?

It's in the genes,
honey.

So is that little
moustache problem.

But I've got people for that.

[ hammering and clanging]

With just the right
amount of electricity

and some
rubber cement,

my monster will come... alive.

[ imitating
electricity crackling]

[ growling]

Hey, Boris Goof-Off, car's done.

Hey... we did okay.

Okay? This thing's a beaut!

[ blows air]

[ all gasp]

[ laughing]

You call that a car?

I wouldn't let my worst enemies
race in that deathtrap.

Oh, wait a minute-- they are.

Who asked you?

Go away.

Is that any way
to talk to a friend?

I'm doing you a favor.

Heave that piece of junk--
Paris is mine!

You're entering the race?

You don't know
anything about cars.

Huh, and you do?

I don't care
what it takes,

you are not winning
this, Angelica.

You're going down.

Yeah-- down that hill past you.

Au revoir.

[ crash]

[ groans]

What?

LIL:
What is it?

SUSIE:
The Hospital Volunteer League

nominated me
for Derby Queen.

Now I got to blow
all my jack
on some dumb gown.

Well, they're going
to be sorry.

Wait till they get
an earful of my speech,

dissing their
popularity contest!

[ laughing]

You're right.

It's so demeaning.

You going to wear something
off the shoulder or strapless?

Okay, let's see
how fast this baby goes.

Everybody ready? Phil?

[ straining]:
Ready.

Chuckie, step back.

I don't want
to take you out.

Brace yourself, T.
And... go!

Should I press it now?

We're never going
to b*at Angelica.

Let's get this paperweight back
to the garage, take it apart

and start
from scratch.

Why the big push
to b*at Angelica, bro?

Why? This is why.

This is where she
talked me into going
up the down escalator.

Where she pushed me
through the pet door.

Where she got me to stick
my hand in that anthill.

So we're going to work
our fingers to the bone

because you kept letting
Angelica sucker you?

That patch of hair
grow back yet?

I'm with you.

With us as your pit crew,
you can't lose.

[ grunts; fabric tears]

[ groans]:
Oh.

Theoretically.

What we need to do is
upgrade the whole thing--

better wheels,
sleeker chassis.

Hmm, sounds expensive.

We'll do what real race car
drivers do: get sponsors.

Here you go, boys.

Thanks.

Wow, $.

Let's see Angelica b*at that.

ANGELICA:
As you will read
in your packets,

a Gold Level gift gets you
primo advertising on the hood.

Silver Level,
you're on the door.

The Bronze Level...

well, don't bother.

So, do I have your commitment
for the Gold?

[ all hedging]

Okay-- but I'm sure
when I go across the street

to your competition,

they won't want to be
left behind.

We're very excited!

Oh, yes!Definitely!

cents and an old inner tube?

Let's go hit the pet store.

Maybe they'll give us
their dead goldfish.

Okay, but I'm sure when I go

across Mount Fuji
to your competition,

they won't want to be
left behind.

ALL:
Hai!

[ slurping]

You know, Harold, we don't
get to talk very much anymore.

[ slurping continues]

Enough with
the slurping!

What are Tommy and his band
of merry morons up to?

There's nothing you can say

that will get me to forsake
my friends' trust.

I'll let you put my
karate sash under your pillow.

Their first car
wasn't good enough,

so they're raising the money
to make it better.

Is this wheel titanium?

MAN: Jawohl!
Who's that?

Mannheim-- he's my mother's
mechanic from Bavaria.

Und nichttouching
on the automobile.

[ screaming]

This thing's still too heavy,

so lay off the sauerkraut
and start shaving this nose.

[ drill whirring]

dollars, cents
and a popped inner tube.

We should quit.

HAROLD:
Hi, guys.

Wow! Angelica is only
getting gobs of money,

but you're
getting prizes.

Uh, just how much money, Harold?

Uh-uh-- I can't tell you.

Trust is the glue
of any relationship.

We'll give you
the inner tube.

She brought in a mechanic
from Bavaria.

That's it!

Can we quit now?

If I quit, Angelica will
razz me my whole life.

No! This is what
we're going to do.

We'll take
our bucks

and roll it over into
a surefire money maker.

Sounds great!
What's the idea?

Don't know-- anybody?

Uh...

Hmm...

How about
a neighborhood carnival?

Yeah, a carnival,

with cool rides,
a giant midway,

and a sideshow with all kinds
of oddities of nature.

I know a guy who
can turn his eyelids
inside out.

Oh, wait...
that's me.

Don't you dare.

TOMMY:
Phil, you rent the bouncer.

Chuckie, get one
of those miniature trains
they have at the zoo.

And we'll need about ten booths
filled with prizes.

This'll be the best
carnival ever.

[ thunderclap rumbles]

[ rain dripping]

[ carnival music playing]

Any customers yet?

CHUCKIE:
One.

[ toddler crying]

LIL:
Yeah!

Whoo-- net!

That's my good
hockey stick.

Wasyour good
hockey stick,

and your Kid-Vid ,

and Dil's Happy Copter.

[ laughing]:
I rule!

I am almost done
with my speech
for the pageant.

What do you think sounds better:

"humiliating meat show"
or "sexist blood sport"?

Well, I'll throw them both in.

[ Susie giggling]

I ordered
the bouncer,
I swear-- see?

Yeah, I see.

I see the wrong address.

The people down the street with
all those cats got our bouncer.

[ cats screeching]

[ screeching, air hisses]

Nice doing business
with you, boys.

[ laughing]

So... how did we do?

We don't have any customers,
and we're broke.

DIL:
Don't lose faith.

I've been
tinkering a little

with the Pickles-mobile.

I think you'll find it
to your liking.

[ garage door squeaks]

DIL:
Voilà!

TOMMY:
So, what is it?

It is
a time machine--

our portal to new technology,
cures for diseases

and what we got
on our SATs.

I wish I could go back in time
about nine years

so I could warn Mom and Dad
not to have you.

Ooh! Harsh, T.

I think I'll
just step in here

and find out when
you lose your hair.

Okay, whatever
you guys had planned

for this weekend, cancel it.

We have a car
to build.

[ all groan]

I thought this was supposed
to be about us having fun.

Well, it's not
about fun.

It's about b*ating Angelica.

For you, maybe-- I was
just in it for the wreckage.

Maybe that's
your problem.

You never take
anything seriously.

That's it-- I'm gone.

TOMMY:
Dil, are you going to help me?

I'm still hurting about
that "not being born" cr*ck

in here!

Plus my socks are wet.

I'll stay, Tommy.
[ grunts with effort]

Hey, not so rough.

You'll strip the screw.

You do it, then!

I'm going home to bed.

But first I'm going
to have some cereal.

[ sighs]

[ snoring quietly]

Up and at 'em--
it's race day, son.

Hi, Stu, lovely day,
how's Didi?

Fine, thanks.

[ straining]

Dad, uh... Dad!

A little help here?

ANGELICA:
Hey, Pickles, where's your crew?

Guess they bailed
from a sinking ship.

[ screeches with laughter]

ANNOUNCER:
First I'd like to introduce

this town's first rally champ,
Steve "Speed Demon" Rodriguez.

[ applause]

Before we fire
the starter's p*stol,

it's time to crown this year's
Streak Car Derby Queen.

[ more applause,
girls giggling]

They're all mighty lovely,
aren't they?

[ girls squealing]

After much agonizing,
our judges have named

this year's
Streak Car Derby Queen,

Miss Susie Carmichael.

[ cheering and applause]

Thank you.

I'd like to take this moment

to say something
about this pageant.

As Derby Queen,
Miss Carmichael
also wins a scholarship

to Miss Marm's
School of Dance and Charm.

Yeah, thank you.

As I stand before
you, I would...

A blender-toaster combination
from Brooke's Hardware,

"For all your
hardware needs."

Y-yeah.

[ clears throat]

As I was saying,
this pageant is
nothing but a...

And you'll
represent this town
at the nationals,

where you'll sing
in front of , people!

[ applause]

[ screams and hollers
with delight]

[ kisses contestants]

[ laughs hysterically]

[ shrieking]:
, people!

[ laughing]

I, uh... thank you.

So proud of me.

Thank you.

Thank you all!

[ all talking and laughing]

Dil, you came!

Chuckie and Phil show, too?

Not going to happen.

Aw.

ANNOUNCER:
Next heat will be run
in minutes.

That's you, Tommy--
are you psyched?

Yeah, psyched.

Dil, watch my car.

TOMMY:
Guys.

Aren't you
supposed to be b*ating
Angelica right now?

What's b*ating Angelica
if it means losing my friends?

Look, I don't blame you
for being mad.

I was a jerk.

I'm sorry.

Come on.

We got to get you
back to that race.

[ cheers]

Tommy, where you been?

You have three minutes left.

It's okay, Dad.

I got my crew with me now.

[ straining]

Don't worry, Pickles.

I'll let you polish my trophy
when I get it.

In your dreams.

[ both gasp]

Have you ever been
down this hill before?

Only backwards
inside a station wagon.

[ spectators cheering wildly]

[ Tommy and Angelica screaming]

[ audience groans]

[ moaning]

[ spectators cheering]

Is it over?

Wow!

Harold?

My mom's a mechanical engineer.

[ shutter clicks]

[ giggles]

That skunk!

All that work
and he's the one

who gets to go
to Paris, France.

You mean Paris, Texas.

Texas?

You mean I risked my life for
a trip to America's dust bowl?

[ starts laughing]

[ both laughing]

Oh, Pickles.

About this
cousin stuff--

I'm sorry if I've been
kind of rough on you
all these years,

but I think
I've made you
a better person.

Sticking my hand
in an anthill made me
a better person?

You'll never
do that again.

Maybe I'll start
lightening up a little.

Deal?

Deal.

Hey, see that girl
over there?

[ slurping]

You didn't hear it
from me,

but she said
she likes you.

Really?

Oh, no, I'm not falling
for that again.

Your loss.

She said that?

Maybe I should
talk to her.

No, no, no-- that's just
what you want me to do.

Whatever, Pickles.

[ Tommy groans]

ANGELICA:
She's looking this way.

TOMMY:
I can't.

ANGELICA:
Are you sure?

[ Tommy groans]

ANGELICA:
Whatever.

TOMMY:
Angelica!

CHUCKIE:
But first I'm going
to have some cereal.