03x08 - The Finster Who Stole Christmas

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ school bell ringing]

[ kids chattering excitedly]

[ boys singing
"The Holly and the Ivy"]

This is what I'm saying--

Christmas snagged
all the righteous tunes.

You got your "Silent Night,"
your "White Christmas,"

your "Jingle Bells,
Batman Smells."

What's Hanukkah got?

"The Dreidel Song"?

Yeah.

That song makes no sense.

Why would anyone make
a clay dreidel

when the plastic ones
are basically free?

Hey, hey, guys.

My mom ever-so-slightly burnt
three dozen angel cookies.

They're ours for the gorging.

[ laughs]

Sounds like
your mom's already

deep into
the holiday spirit.

She started cooking
back in September.

The frankincense-and-myrrh
pork roast is looking

particularly nasty.

What about you, Suz?

You know, the whole
Carmichael family descending

to pinch your cheeks
and hug you too hard.

I love the holidays.

Oh, did I tell you?

I got the solo

in the annual Unity and Faith
Concert at my church!

Way to go.

We'll be there.

Wouldn't miss it.

DIL:
You know, bro,

that would be the perfect venue
to premiere

our soon-to-be-classic
Hanukkah song.

What Hanukkah song?

The one the soon-to-be-famous
"Pickles Brothers"

are gonna pen.

You know,
that's not such a bad idea.

It's genius.

How hard can it be
to make up a song?

I do it in the shower
every morning.

And, guys, I sound good.

SUSIE:
So, Angelica's skiing in Aspen,

Phil and Lil will be
decking the halls...

What have you guys got going
for the holidays, Chuckie?

Oh, the usual--

high expectations met
by crushing disappointment.

It's amazing, years
of Finster Christmases

on one convenient DVD

and each one
more depressing
than the next.

[ baby Chuckie crying]

Aw, come on, lighten up.

Your dad's going to love
this gift.

[ crying]

[ crying]

When's your mom getting back
from Japan with Kimi?

Christmas Eve.

My uncle's recovering nicely
from the bad sushi incident.

I don't know what it is
about my dad and Christmas.

Fourth of July, awesome.

The man's a maniac
for Arbor Day.

But Christmas...

[ blows raspberry]

Boy, just once
I'd like to have

a big, fancy celebration
like everyone else.

But you know what
he'd say?

"Christmas starts with family
and ends with family."

Maybe if you had better trees.

Those are some of
the sorriest
Christmas trees

I've ever seen.

Now that you say it,

they all are
kind of sickly.

And brittle.

And brown!

If you've got a lousy tree,

you're not gonna spring
for the good tinsel.

And if you skimp on the tinsel,

why even bother
with the mistletoe,
the eggnog

and the gingerbread
houses?

It all makes sense now.

years of bad trees...

years of bad Christmases.

This time, when my dad and I
go tree shopping,

I'm gonna make sure

we get a tree infected
with the holiday spirit.

And not termites.

[ wind whistling]

[ grunts]

Here she is, top of the line.

Needles as soft as a cat's back.

And just take
a whiff.

[ sniffing]

Ah, wow!

It's like having
the Rockies
in your own home.

You got anything less majestic?

Oh.

We've got some nice
five-footers.

Come on, Dad,
the eight-footer's a great deal.

It's like buying in bulk.

You like to buy in bulk.

Oh, yeah, but only corn dogs
and eye drops.

The holidays aren't about
the trappings,

it's about being together.

You know
what I always say.

"Christmas starts with family
and ends with family."

Uh, how about those?

You mean "Death Valley"?

[ groans]

Ah... how much is that beauty?

Twenty bucks.

Fifteen.

[ whispering]:
We'll come back
for it tomorrow.

It'll be down to ten.

Thank you!

[ groans]

[ laughing]

Oopsy.

They're throwing this out?

[ gasps]

You poor thing.

Honey, where's
the tree?

[ grunting and straining]

[ screams]

[ metallic thud]

Ow!

CHUCKIE:
Don't open them!

Don't open,
don't open...

Oop, oop, oop...

Okay, now... open!

Wow, it's beautiful,
Chuckie!

Where'd you get it?

It must have cost you a fortune.

Uh, not really.

They were practically
giving them away.

So what do you
think?

Oh, gosh...

I don't know.

It doesn't quite seem
like a Finster tree.

I mean, it's so, so...

Green?

I just want to have a merry
little Christmas this year.

If you don't
like it...

No, no.

No, it's wonderful, Chuckie.

Uh, uh...

Thank you, son.

[ slurping]

[ MIDI track plays]

[ singing off-key]

♪ Hanukkah...
♪ Han...

Let's take a break.

Yeah, I'm creatively
spent.

Get your new holiday
drink samples.

What are they?

Ah, we got
"Honey-Baked Java,"

"Yam Latte,"

"Figgy Pudding Macchiato."

I'll pass.

Maybe later.

Acid reflux.

I'll try one.

[ sighs contentedly]

Chuckie, wow!

Since when are you
the brave one?

What can I say? I'm full of
Christmas spirit this year.

Yee-ha.

Speaking of brave,
did you guys hear

about that Christmas tree
that was stolen the other night?

Where?

Right in front of the house
on Greenfield.

Stolen?

Yep. The Hillickis.

Well, I guess
that's one family

that won't be having
a merry Christmas
this year.

What kind of person steals

the symbol of love
and human understanding?

Sick-o!

I say we double up on
our neighborhood watch.

Flush them out of town
like the vermin they are.

Excuse me.

[ door opens, closes]

[ Chuckie retching]

Looks like a big no
for the fig latte.

[ toilet flushes ]

You stole
a Christmas tree?

I didn't know.

Help me, Tommy.

I don't want to get
flushed out of town.

I like this town.

I know where everything is.

Hey, if you thought
they were throwing it out,

then it wasn't
really stealing.

It wasn't?

Sure.

Just tell your dad
what happened

and take it back.

He'll understand.

Of course he will.

He didn't seem to like it
that much anyway.

Lookit-- he hasn't even
decorated it yet, Tommy.

This'll be a snap.

CHUCKIE:Uh, Dad?

I need to tell you
something.

Oh, sure, just let me put
these ornaments down.

You bought new
Christmas tree
ornaments?

boxes.

Well, I started putting
the old ones

on old faithful here,
and...

I can't believe no one told me
how shoddy they looked.

But, Dad, you said

the holidays
begin and end
with family.

[ bell dings]

Oops-- I smell gingerbread.

You're baking cookies?

No-- houses.

A complete gingerbread town,

right down to
the emergency
call boxes.

So, you boys ready
to see this puppy fired up?

Your father's been
working on it all day.

Wow.

Chuckie, is there something
you wanted to tell me?

What?

Oh... oh, yeah.

I, uh...

I wish Kimi and Kira
were here to see this.

Oh, they'll see it.

They should be getting
on their plane right now.

Oh, Chuckie,
this is gonna be

the best Christmas!

What do you mean we're bumped?

Your flight is full.

You were bumped.

Next.

But we bought these tickets
three months ago.

Yes, but you missed
your first flight,

which means you were
on stand-by for this flight,

which means you are bumped.

Next.

Mom, they can't
get away with that.

Getting mad never solves
anything.

We'll just wait
for the next flight.

Thank you for almost flying
Japan International,

where service is
job one.

[ growls]

CHUCKIE:
I couldn't do it to him, Tommy.

He actually bought
new ornaments.

Usually, he just duct-tapes
the old ones.

Man, this is some
rocking gingerbread.

Tommy?!

How am I going
to live with myself

knowing another family's
going treeless

because I wanted
visions of sugar plums
dancing in my head?

It's a metaphor.

I know!

Why don't I just buy
the Hillickis another tree?

Well, you said those trees
were megabucks.

Not when you've been trained

in the Finster School
of Christmas Tree Shopping.

Trust me.

I'll have
that lumberjack man

begging me to take one of
his trees off his hands.

Fifty dollars?!

Isn't there some way
you could come down?

$.? Come on,
it was bucks yesterday.

Supply and demand, kid.

TOMMY:
We saved up all year
for that money.

I know, but it's
all worth it

knowing those six little
Hillicki children will have

a tree to wake up to
Christmas morning.

Besides, I still have
$. left.

Hold on.

No!

Stop!

Whew!That was close.

[ honking]

[ both gasp]

Uh... a little tinsel,
some lights...

maybe no one will know.

[ sobbing]

DIL:
Yo, Susie--
you got a word

that rhymes
with "dreidel"?

Nothing rhymes with dreidel.

Maybe that's why Hanukkah
has only one song.

[ door bell jingles]

DIL:
Hey, Mozart,
where you been?

We got mucho work to do.

[ groans]

What's the matter, Chuckster?

Holiday blues got you down?

Oh, no, now I'm even
sounding like my mother.

Well, who wouldn't be
disappointed this year?

We got some punk
going around stealing
Christmas trees.

That's why I'm putting in this
high-tech surveillance camera.

I wouldn't worry
about those thieves.

They'll get what's
coming to them

one way or another.

What does that mean?

You can't steal
the meaning of Christmas

without the big guy
upstairs not hearing about it.

Whoever took
the Hillickis' tree

is in for
a wicked smiting.

"Smiting"?

You know...

[ imitates thunder]

Hey, Chuckie, smile--

you're on "Criminal Camera."

Chuckie?

CHORUS:
♪ O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely are your branches

♪ O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely
are your branches. ♪

Oh, hello, son.

We were just
rehearsing for the party.

You? A party?

From now on, the name Finster

will be synonymous
with Christmas fun.

Hey, slap on a bonnet
and join the choir.

We're singing
"O Christmas Tree."

♪ O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely
are your branches. ♪

I think I'll go to bed.

I'm drained.

[ whispering]:
Okay.

We'll try to keep
it down for you.

[ whispering]:
♪ O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely
are your branches. ♪

[ woman wailing]

Don't cry, Mommy.

We'll have
a tree next year.

A pox on the wretched thief.

Now, now, is that
any way to talk on
the Lord's day?

Now let's say grace.

[ whimpering]

[ screams]

[ in deep voice]:
Chuckie...

Y-y-yes?

It's me.

Uh, "me" who?

Who do you think?

Who's the burning-bush guy?

[ screams]

I'm gonna be smited.

I'm gonna be wicked smited.

I said
"Hawaii," Chas!

Aloha,
good news.

I have to go--
I'll call you later.

You found our luggage?

No, but I'm authorized
to give you

this itty, bitty bag
of macadamia nuts.

I'd rather you tell us
where our luggage is.

They are salty and delicious.

Where's our luggage?!

Kimi, let's
stay positive.

I'm sure he's doing
everything he can.

They are very good with
chocolate, these nuts.

Let's go to the Mango Club.

Their new fleece collection
just came in.

Great idea.

Maybe they'll sell me
$. worth of lint!

What's up with him?

TOMMY:
It's two days to Christmas.

Dil, we need a song!

How about a dance?

That might be easier.

A dance?

Yeah, the
"Hanukkah Hustle,"

the "Dreidel Hula..."

Chuckie's with me on this,
aren't you, C-Man?

CHUCKIE:
You...

You're the cause of my misery.

You're the reason

the poor Hillicki children
are suffering now.

You...

you with your soft branches
and perfectly spaced ornaments.

Look at it, Tommy--

just standing here,
mocking me.

Mocking me!

What's he talking
about, Tommy?

I... uh...

What are you
looking at, fat man?

Give me a break.

The holidays are stressful.

Well, Christmas is a sham.

What do you say
to that?

Hey, look at this!

"Away in a manager
special"?

This is the meaning
of Christmas?!

Chuckie, let's go.
Fine, I'll go...

but not without one of these!

ELF:
Hey, those are
for customers only.

[ alarm blaring]

Let go of me!

What's wrong, Chuckie?

I've never seen you like this.

It's kind of attractive.

I'm the sick-o
who stole the tree!

[ all gasp]

It was
an accident, guys.

He thought they
were turfing it.

I made
one little mistake,

and now the whole
town is after me.

The man upstairs
wants to zap me.

I even have elves on my case.

And you know you're in trouble
when elves are after you.

I'm sure whatever
you did, Chuckie,

God will forgive you.

I took the light and joy out
of a family's Christmas!

If you don't get
smited for that,

what do you get smited for?

I might as well stick
a lightning rod on my head.

[ crackling]

Maybe you guys shouldn't be
sitting next to me right now.

Look for me at my dad's party--
I'll be the one who's charred.

[ sparks crackling]

CHORUS:
♪ O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely are your branches

♪ O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely are
your branches. ♪

[ MIDI track playing]

I finally got the Christmas
I always wanted,

and I couldn't be
more miserable.

[ telephone rings]

Hold on, everybody,
that could be Kira.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Kira.

Stuck in Mexico?

Oh, no.

They won't be home
for Christmas!

This is all my fault.

Ever since
I took that tree,

everything's
been turning bad.

I wish
I'd never seen it.

Well, you stole the tree,
maybe you can un-steal it.

How do I do that?

You steal it.

Shh!

[ window latch rattling]

Nice work.

[ door opens]

I was going to let you in.

Go.

[ straining]

Guys?

The door?

[ mariachi band playing]

No, thank you, gracias.

No, thank you.

I'm proud
of you, Mom.

No, thank you, gracias.

Why?

We're gonna miss Christmas.

Yeah, but through it all,
you kept your cool.

Thanks, Kimi.

That means a lot to me
to hear you say that.

[ brakes squeal]

I've been through three states
and two continents.

I've been patient
through four time zones!

This cab is mine!

Mine! It's mine!

[ doorbell rings]

♪ Latkes all around...

♪ In my ears
and in my eyes... ♪

♪ Latkes all around...

♪ In my nose
and on my thighs. ♪

TOMMY:
Go, go, go!

Oh, Chuckie, I'm so sorry.

Well, Dad, it
wasn't your fault.

It was those darn
tree thieves.

Why us?

Why?

Betty warned me.

I should have given you
that dog early.

I'm getting a dog?

No.

Still, who takes a tree

and leaves
a Kid-Vid X-Game?

They probably thought they
were all grandma sweaters.

You got me Kid-Vid X-Game?!

No.

Oh, well...

Kimi and Kira
are stuck in Mexico,

our tree is gone.

Christmas is
officially ruined.

Where'd all these
pine needles come from?

Okay, okay!

I did it!

I stole the tree-- twice!

Maybe three times.

The way Tommy said it,
I'm still confused.

Just tell me
what happened, son.

I just wanted a big Christmas
like everyone else has.

Now we have nothing.

[ door opening]

BOTH:
Kira! Kimi!

[ confusion of greetings]

Wow, this is so... fabulous!

It's so good
to see you.

You see, Chuckie,
we don't have nothing.

We have everything.

Sometimes we...
we all forget that.

I know I did.

Wow!

Look at this place.

Hey, what happened
to the tree?

How about I tell you
over breakfast?

Sure.

In the meantime,

anything's better than the trees
you pick out, sweetheart.

You're right, Dad--

Christmas does begin
and end with family.

SUSIE:
♪ The first Noel
the angel did say ♪

♪ Was to certain poor shepherds
in fields as they lay ♪

♪ In fields as they
lay keeping their sheep ♪

♪ On a cold winter's night
that was so deep ♪

♪ Noel...

♪ Noel...
♪ Noel...

♪ Noel...
♪ Born is the king of Israel.

Now, representing our Jewish
brothers and sisters,

here's a little something
you probably haven't heard.

♪ They're frying in the kitchen,
they're burning in the pot ♪

♪ Latkes all around us--
get 'em while they're hot ♪

♪ Latkes all around,
in my ears and in my eyes ♪

♪ Latkes all around, in
my nose and on my thighs ♪

♪ So crispy, crunchy, salty,
eat 'em by the stack ♪

♪ Latkes all around us
gonna make you fat ♪

♪ Hanukkah is coming,
so shred those taters fast ♪

♪ Be thankful it's a holiday
where you don't have to fast. ♪

[ applause]

CHUCKIE:
What could I say?

I'm full of Christmas spirit
this year-- yeehaw!