04x02 - Ladies Man

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ kids conversing animatedly]

MECHANICAL VOICE:
Prepare, ye scallywags...

[ garbled]

[ coughing]

Don't sweat it, guys,
just a little bug.

[ derisive laughter]

Another pathetic attempt
by the Audiovisual Club.

Every year you guys
try to win Best Float

and every year
you lose to us--

the Future Engineers Club.

Oh, yeah? Does your float
have a pirate that talks

and sh**t real confetti
out of a cannon?

It talks and sh**t confetti?

As long as my mom doesn't miss
her answering machine...

or her car battery.

So consider
yourselves served.

Hey, nerds, break it up.

Come on, boys, let's book.

Dil, we got one week--

you sure you can get
this float of yours

up and running by then?

No prob.

PANGBORN:
Dil Pickles
to Mr. Pangborn's office

on the double!

[ all groan]

Don't worry,
I'll be back in a jiff.

Look at Brianna,

practically throwing
herself at Darryl--

pa...thetic.

They're working,
Angelica--

unlike somebody
I know.

Plu-eese, that sawing
heavy lumber bit--

old as the hills.

Harold...

what are you
all dressed up for?

Angelica-- I want
to ask her to go

to the Mardi Gras
Festival with me.

I never really
asked her out before.

Well, with those
rockin' rags,

how could she say no?

Angelica...

Hey, Frumpkin, down in front.

I can't see.

I'd do anything
if you'd be my date

for the Mardi Gras
Festival.

You'd do anything
for me now.

That's true...

Would you go
with me anyhow

and be my Créole
princess, please?

I'll get you a smoothie.

Let me think about it:
uh, no.

There's only one
fish I'm looking
to reel in...

Darryl.

Okay.

Well, I'll get you
that smoothie now.

You're going
to get her a smoothie

after the way
she dissed you?!

I like doing stuff
for Angelica.

Why?

She's been mean to
you since pre-school.

What do you see in her?

A girl that's
playin' hard to get.

Look again.

Darn those
woodwind players--

they get all
the best girls.

What's he got
that I don't got?

Have you thought about maybe
taking a different approach?

You mean like...
begging?

I guess not.

Can you help me?

Hmm...

Harold, starting today,
you're enrolled

in the Susie Carmichael
School of Cool.

I don't know what kind of
dirty words you're pedaling,

but I won't have it
in my school.

It's not dirty,
it's Dilginese.

"Dilginese"?

What in Harry's hat
is "Dilginese"?

A language
I made up, sir.

That's just plain stupid.

Who makes up a language
no one else can understand?

If a cleristeral falls
in the prandish,

does it still marplunk
a player?

Huh?

That's it, you just got
detention, mister,

for a whole week!

You can't!

I promised Tommy
I'd build his float.

Tough.

That's English
for "tough."

[ groans]

Shelly!

Miss O'Keats.

Don't "Miss O'Keats" me--
we're through!

[ gasps]

I'm tired of keeping

our relationship hidden

in the dark corners of
the educational system.

If you're too embarrassed
to proclaim your love for me,

then, sir, I want
no part of you.

[ balloon deflating noisily]

Oh, Dil, I... ooh...

[ balloon continues deflating]

[ door closes]

She broke my heart.

You and Miss O'Keats
were, like, together?

Yuck!

I mean, way to go.

She sure was pudgornished.

Ah, it's still gneisermad.

If you like her,
why don't you just tell her?

"Like her"?

I'm nuts and fudge
about that crazy loon.

I'm just afraid
to let people know.

Doesn't matter now,
she and I are... history.

Uh... listen, Dil,
about what you saw:

You keep this under your, uh...

whatever that thing is
on your head,

and, uh, maybe I can do
something about that detention.

You've got my crudlebout
on it, sir.

Thank you.

"Crudlebout"?

Was that a promise or not?

Dil!

Dil!

HAROLD:
Well, here it is.

My room...

It always smells
like onions in here.

I don't know why.

Harold, you are going
to be

a dude with a 'tude.

Goodie!

What do I do first?

You can start by exing
words like "goodie."

"Goodie" ain't cool.

Oopsie.

Not cool.

Okeydokey, artichokey.

Do you know why
Angelica is so
primed for Darryl?

He doesn't spit when he talks?

Lesson number one:

Avoid all spitting words.

That's brilliant, Susie!

I mean, you're remarkable,
Carmichael girl.

Angelica likes Darryl

because he acts like
he doesn't care about her.

He acts like he doesn't care
about a girl he cares about?

You got it.

I don't get it.

Pretend I'm Angelica,

and when you ask me out,

do it like
it's no big deal.

Gotcha.

Hey, Angelica.

Frumpkin, what do you want?

Please go to the Mardi
Gras with me, please!

I'll resole your shoes.

We have a lot
of work to do.

Prepare, ye scallywags
to walk the...

[ garbled]

[ sighs]

There she blows.

I got it-- trust me.

PANGBORN:
Dil Pickles to Mr. Pangborn.

What did you
do now?

Search me.

Mr. Pangborn, sir.

Have a seat, Pickles.

Do you know what this is?

Uh... a hat with a fan built in?

This is the last vestige I have

of my relationship
with Miss O'Keats.

She gave it to me

for my excessive sweating.

I'm lost without her, Pickles!

I couldn't even dress myself
this morning!

See.

Uh, maybe I should
leave you alone with
your thoughts.

I am alone.

I've poisoned every
relationship I've ever had.

Sure, I can write
volumes about love,

but when it comes
to the real thing,

I run away...
like a scared little boy.

ANGELICA:
He's going with Brianna?

You sure?

Well, text me when you know.

Hey there, Angeli...
pretty mama.

Not now, Harold.

Why the sour...
the glum attitude?

Nothing.

And why are you
talking so weird?

Whatever do you mean?

So, uh, Ange--
no big deal or anything, but--

how about you and me
hanging at Mardi Gras?

Sure.

Really?!

Why not?

Looks like Darryl's
going with Brianna.

Good enough for me.

When should I get you?

Let's see...

[ cell phone rings]

An hour from never.

Huh?

Good news, you're out
and Darryl's back in.

Well, good news for me.

I'm such a sucker.

Prepare, ye scallywags...

[ garbled]

[ others laughing]

I guess Angelica
said no?

Well, it's her loss.

Come on, Harold--

you got a new, cool,
chillin' attitude.

Don't waste it,
just ask somebody else.

Susie, would you go
to Mardi Gras with me?

Me?

I'd love to, Harold.

[ band playing]

What are you doing here?

I've decided that

if Darryl hasn't
asked me out

then I'll ask him.

Harold, good--
you're just in time.

Here, bring this
to class for me.

I'm going to talk
to Darryl

and this book
spoils the line
of my dress.

I can't do stuff
for you anymore, Angelica.

Hey, guys.
What do you mean you can't?

I like someone else now.

Oh, Harold,
that's great.

Who?

You.

Her?!

Me?

Let me get

those books for you, Susie.

Hmph!

ANGELICA:
Well, Susie, no Harold?

I would have thought
he'd be carrying
your books today.

Oh, please.

Harold just said
he liked me

because I was nice
to him.

Maybe you should
try it sometime.

Hey, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.

"Have a nice day.

Your new friend,
Harold Frumpkin."

Look like you and Harold
are plenty broke!

[ growling]

Argh, prepare, ye scallywags..

[ screaming and crashing]

Argh!

Don't worry,
the microprocessor

probably just needs
reprogramming...

or I broke my mom's blender.

Wow, can it make
smoothies, too?

Phil!

Don't worry,
I can fix it.

PANGBORN:
Dil Pickles, please come
to Mr. Pangborn's office.

Prepare,
ye scallywags...

[ garbled]

Wow, Tommy, you fixed it.

LIL:
Uh, boys...

Hey, Ange.

Darryl, uh... hi.

Listen, I was wondering

if you were going with
anybody to Mardi Gras.

[ chuckling]

Hold this.

Harold, I know
you're mad at me

because I won't go
with you to Mardi Gras

so here it is: stop
doing stuff for Susie

and I'll let you let me
yell at you again.

As enticing as that sounds,
no, thank you.

Truth be told, Angelica,
I've moved on.

I suggest
you do the same.

Careful-- let me help you
with that hall pass.

[ growls]

[ tapping]

Huh, what?

Mr. Pangborn?

Sorry.

I thought you stayed up late

cooking up your odd
and unusual theories.

I'm a kid-- I get sleepy.

What are you doing here?

I've written an Elizabethan
love sonnet for Miss O'Keats,

but I have no one to sing it to.

What are you holding?

A lute.

[ giggling]

What's so funny?!

"Lute" in Dilginese means...

[ giggling]

Never mind, I'll come down.

No, no-- don't.

I already got you up.

I'll just play it
from here.

[ strumming lute]

Shelly, thy Shelly,
we belong together,
thy Shelly...

WOMAN:
Knock it off down there!

Mr. Pangborn, how long is
an Elizabethan love sonnet?

Only pages.

I'll get my robe.

SUSIE:
And if we don't do something

to curb
the world's animal population,

our streets will be
filled with animals,

hungry and lonely,
leading to disease,
starvation

and premature death.

Way to go, Susie!

Come on,
put your hands together!

Surprise!

Ah! My science project!

I worked all week on it.

Don't worry--
I made one just for you.

Of all the dumb luck, too--
I might have discovered

the gene that'll cure
the common cold.

[ beeping]

Harold, this is
really nice,

but you don't have to
keep doing these things

to be my friend.

Oh, okay.

[ model whirring, beeping]

[ knocking]

I also washed and dried
your sweater.

Feel it-- it's still warm.

[ screaming]

Chuckie, have you seen
Susie anywhere?

The ice cream cake
I bought her is melting.

Ice cream cake?
What's the occasion?

It's our three-day
anniversary.

Hello, Harold.

Oh, Angelica--
I didn't see you.

I can carry your cake
for you.

I'd better--
it's for Susie.
Your backpack?

It's Susie's.

Your...
Susie's.

Let me do something
for you, please!

Okay, okay,
you can do something.

Goody! What?

You can move your head.

You're blocking Susie.

LITTLE GIRL:
Go on, eat some.

LITTLE BOY:
But sand's yucky.

No it's not.

How do you think
you make sandwiches?

'Kay.

[ sputtering]

[ little girl cackling]

Stupid, stupid,
now you gots to poop it!

[ giggling]

I want my Harold back.

Face it, Tommy,
Future Engineers
of America rock.

[ laughing]

Dil!

[ snoring]

Dil, wake up!

Dil, what is going on with you?

You're half asleep,

Pangborn keeps
pulling you away

and last night
I could've sworn

I heard a lute
at your window.

I promised I wouldn't say.

Okay!

You broke me.

O'Keats dumped Mr. Pangborn
because he was afraid

to go public with their
unholy teacher love.

Wait.

O'Keats and Pangborn
were, like... together?

Oh, yeah.

[ all exclaim in disgust]

Tell him
to leave you alone.

I'm the only one
he can talk to.

If I tell Mr. Pangborn
to stop bugging me,

he'll bust me
for passing notes.

Then there's only one thing
to do.

We have to get O'Keats
and Pangborn back together.

Yeah!

Great idea!

Way to go!

We still need a king and queen
for our float.

We'll tell Pangborn

she wants to
ride with him.

She doesn't even want
to talk to him.

Once she's on the float,
what's she going to do?

Hate to be
the girl here, guys,

but that is not
going to work.

Please,it's brilliant--

like everything else
the Pickle Boys work on.

[ electricity zapping]

Yar!

ANGELICA:
Okay, Susie,
I've been nice,

I've been subtle,
but I want my Harold back!

You don't deserve
a Harold.

And you do?

Do you talk on
the phone so long

you need somebody
to hold it?

No-- I do.

Are you so lazy you need
someone to make your bed?

No! I do!

Are you so vain
you need someone

to tell you you're pretty?

No! I do!

Don't tell me
I don't deserve him!

I'm lazier, more selfish

and more insecure
than you'llever be!

That's true, but you're still
not getting him back.

Please, ladies, there's enough
Harold Frumpkin to go around.

Let go, he's mine!

No, he's not!

He's obnoxious
and grating!

I don't care how obnoxious
and grating he is,

you're nevergetting him back!

[ yelps]

[ grumbling]

You want to go to Mardi Gras
with me, Angelica?

Yeah, whatever.

[ spits]

[ Cajun music playing,
people talking excitedly]

Here you go, Susie,

a Mardi Gras tradition--
a beignet.

What's a beignet?

It's just like a donut
with sugar on top,

except it's not round
and it doesn't have
a hole.

Okay, it's nothing like a donut.

[ chewing noisily]

Ooh, you got sugar on your face.

I'll get it.

[ slurps]

Yuck! Get your spit
away from me!

Where'd they go?

Harold and Susie were just here.

Want me to win
a stuffed animal?

Yeah, yeah, you do that.

Win me the biggest one
they have.

That could take a while.

Even better.

Pangborn off the starboard bow!

Huh?

He's by the corn dogs.

Miss O'Keats,
you look... pretty.

Thank you.

I haven't played a queen
since appearing in

an all-poodle version
of Macbeth.

So you haven't told me.

Who's my king?

We can't tell you
till you get on the float.

I'm so nervous.

I wore my hat.

Him?!

He'smy king?!

More like a joker.

Pickles, you said
she wanted to ride with me.

O'KEATS:
Me?!

I refuse to ride
with a man

whose heart is as hard
as his head.

Go!

You always werea royal pain.

[ whistling nonchalantly]

Told ya.

Dil, if we don't have
a king and queen,

we can't be in the parade!

Mr. Pangborn--

just tell her how you feel!

[ stammering]

If you can't say it in English,
just say it in Dilginese.

Shelly, ergmenotay
saveeder quatsay

turstink vas blue banana.

That's beautiful.

What does
it mean, Estus?

"I love you."

I know, it's kind of long,

but it's an evolving language.

Oh, Estus!

[ all exclaiming in disgust]

Ooh, ooh, ooh!

Can I win you a goldfish?

I don't want
a goldfish, Harold.

We can put it in your room.

Name it Susie Two?

[ bawling]

Susie, what's wrong?

It's all this niceness.

I'm suffocating in niceness.

You're like a wool sweater
on a hot summer day.

I can't take
this niceness anymore.

[ Susie bawling]

Wow, you lasted a lot longer

than I expected.

Huh?

Oh, yeah, I was only
doing this stuff

to get Angelica's
attention.

I took your advice--
don't act like

you care so much.

See? It worked.

[ laughing]:
Oh...

So you mean all this
stuff you've done for me

wasn't because I was
special or anything?

Oh, don't get me wrong.

You're a great gal.

But you're no Angelica.

Oh, oh, oh!

SUSIE:
Here she comes.

Follow my lead.

[ giggling]

You are the most
annoying,

smothering, irritating
little pest

I have ever had
the displeasure to know!

And if you don't
leave me alone,
I am going to...

Hey! Who do you think
you're talking to?

Move!

This is the kindest,
sweetest,

givingest person
on the planet,

and yes,
he's an annoying pest,

but he's myannoying pest,
so back off, Carmichael.

Oh, Angelica.

Harold, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have
turned you down

like I did
for Mardi Gras.

It was rotten of me.

You're my bestest friend.

I just didn't know until
you weren't there anymore.

You can make it up to me.

How?

You can let me win you
a goldfish.

I'll feed it for you
and clean the t*nk.

Oh, okay.

It's the least I can do.

Come on, let's go watch
the parade.

I'll buy you a beignet.

You can wipe the schmutz
off my face.

Man, what's he got
that I don't got?

You want to be
like Harold?

Well, starting today
you're enrolled

in the Susie Carmichael
School of Drool.

[ marching band playing]

[ cheering and applause]

[ all exclaiming in disgust]

[ switch beeps]

MECHANICAL PIRATE:
Prepare, ye scallywags,
to walk the plank!

Yar!

Get it off me,
get it off me!

[ cheering and shouting]

[ fireworks whistling
and popping]

HAROLD:
It always smells
like onions in here.

I don't know why.