04x03 - Lost at Sea

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ waves crashing]

[ wind whistling]

Pick me, Darryl.

No, me!

No, I am the one that you want.

Get away!
Only one girl

could capture
my turbulent heart.

Angelica, if you have
any mercy at all,

you'll choose me instead
of that pathetic milquetoast,

Edgar Linton.

That pathetic milquetoast is
the richest man on the moor,

while you must sling
manure for a living.

Will your t*rture of me
never end?

Hey, girl's got to have a hobby.

WOMAN:
Now, can anyone tell me

who was Cathie's
eternal soulmate

in Emily Bronteë's sweeping novel

of epic romance,
Wuthering Heights?

Angelica?

[ dreamily]:
Darryl.

[ laughter]

[ bell rings]

[ laughing]:
Aah-ha, self-punked!

What are you
blathering about?

Your crush-- Darryl.

I didn't say Darryl,
I said Errol.

There is no Errol
in Wuthering Heights.

Exactly my point.

I never read that stupid book,
which proves I'm just lazy,

not madly in love
with Darryl.

See you later, Ang.

Bye, Errol...

Darryl!

Okay, okay, I do have
a crush on Darryl,

and it's driving me crazy.

So don't just
stand there melting.

His band's playing
at Club on Saturday.

Make your move then.

Ow!

Have you not been
paying attention?

Whenever I'm around him,
I lose my confidence.

But Darryl seems
to like you.

Yeah, but does he likelike me?

Here, hold this.

Angelica, this old cast
trick isn't going to fly.

Hey, I'd break my own arm
if I have to get out of swim.

I'm having
a really good hair day.

BRIANNA:
So, Darryl asks me

if Angelica is coming
to see his band Saturday.

Shh! Did you hear that?

BRIANNA:
So I said,
"Yeah-- so?"

So he says, "Okay."

So I say, "Why?"

So he says,
"I'd like to talk to her."

And I say, "So what?"

And he says
he really
needs to know

if she likes him,
and then he gets...

[ squeals]

Ow! Ow!

Darryl said that
about Angelica?

That is so what he said.

[ whispering]:
That's it.

I've got to find out
if Darryl said he liked me.

Then I get my confidence back.

All I've got to do
is get close to Brianna.

How are you going to do that?

Those girls think
you're a major wannabe.

I ama major wannabe.

Now I'll just have
to wannabe better.

PHIL:
If I were you,
I'd be freaking right now.

I can't imagine
having a girl I liked

over to my house
for dinner.

Me neither.

I'm not comfortable
with people watching
me chew.

Well, Rachel's pretty special,

but I think I have it all
under control.

Hide all family
albums containing
embarrassing photos?

Check.

Made sure your serving
nongaseous foods.

Check.

Assigned appropriate
conversation topics.

Check.

Trust me, fellas,

I've left no check unchecked.

Going it how's,

Chuckie, Phil?

Excuse.

[ sneezes]

Gross!
Oh!

Oh, man-- Dil!

The one check
I forgot to check

and he picks now to go
through a backwards phase.

[ screaming]:
No!

"Due to a company
reorganization,

your services will no longer be
needed, effective immediately."

There must be
some mistake.

This is my desk.

This is my chair.

This is my phone.

Sorry... but after
the reorganization,

the company couldn't afford
two CEO salaries...

just mine.

Yours?

Well, I simply refuse
to be fired.

[ Charlotte and men grunting]

[ chuckling snidely]

Hate to do this, but...

[ grunting and squealing]

Lost your job?!

Honey, it's okay.

Mommy's going
to be just fine.

You mean we're p-p... poor?

Don't be ridiculous.

What kind of CEO would I be

if I hadn't secured myself
a hefty severance package?

And I don't want
you worrying about
my emotional health.

Every management book says

that when one door closes,
another opens.

What door is that?

The one to motherhood.

When I think of all
the things I've missed

over the last
years...

[ muffled]:
I'm .

You are?!

Oh, where have all
the years gone?

Well, I'm not missing
another moment.

I've already stocked up
on the mother essentials--

sewing machine,
a coupon organizer

and something called
an ironing board.

I've even traded in
my cell phone for an oven timer.

It rings... but you
don't have to answer it!

Hmm.

Come, let's break it in

with something
they call "baking."

But I've got to go
to the mall

so I can accidentally
run into Brianna

so I can ask her
about Darryl.

Oh, all that can wait.

We have a whole world
of togetherness to explore.

From now on, I'm going
to be in your life /.

[ whines]

Excuse.

[ burps]

RACHEL:
You're a child psychologist?

Get out!

That's what
I want to be.

Tommy didn't tell me that.

I didn't know,
we never...

But I thought I'd work

I'd work with underprivileged
kids for a while

before going to college.

That's what I wanted to do
when I was your age.

Speaking of
underprivileged kids,

I sure would love
another slab of this meat.

In a minute, hon.

I can't believe
we have so much in common.

Wouldn't it be crazy
if your favorite movie was...

BOTH:
Sand Tide.

[ both laughing]

Take mine, son.

Isn't Sand Tide
that lame-o movie

about the lady
who takes forever to die

while her rich and famous
best friend promises

to take care
of her only daughter?

I wept for days
after that movie.

What do you say we pop it
into the VCR after dinner?
Guys?

[ groans]

I'd love to watch it with you,

but I've got clean
the air conditioner filter.

Admit it, Deed, you've been
riding me about that.

Guess it's
just us girls.

Up shut!

Just as I was wheedling
myself a spot
at Brianna's table,

my mother called!

She wanted to know
if I enjoyed
my meatloaf sandwich.

That's your mom's meatloaf?

I thought it was egg salad.

I mean, primo situations
like that

don't fall out
of trees every day.

GIRL:
Angelica!

Savannah's out sick,

so we need a third
for our walk home.

Yeah, two girls is
just so Little House
on the Prairie.

And four is
so Nancy Drew.

This will give us a chance

to catch up on all
the latest gossip--

who hates who, who likes who,
who likelikes who.

CHARLOTTE:
Yoo-hoo!

Over here, honey.

What are you doing here?!

You never pick me up.

A-And what happened
to your fine German
touring car?

I'm a full-time mommy
now, remember?

And nothing says mom
like minivan.

Could you punch
the biological clock tomorrow?

I've got plans.

But the mother-daughter
folk dance lessons start today.

Folk dancing?

[ other girls chuckle]

I know, you're worried
about what to wear,

but I've already
taken care of that.

[ alarm beeps off]

I made costumes
with my own two mother hands.

[ grunts in disgust]

CHARLOTTE:
I've got a chili-cheese-dog-

on-a-stick coupon.

Oh, I know--
maybe I filed it

under "stick, chili
cheese dog on a..."

I say we ditch her.

You'd ditch
your own mother?

Wait a minute.

Did I just say that...
about you?

I know it doesn't
look like she's going
through a hard time,

but she is.

You've got to be
there for her.

Easy for you to say--
you're not the one

stuck going to mother-daughter
pottery glazing,

mother-daughter
still life painting,

mother-daughter macramé.

Oh, come on,
it's not that bad.

[ groans]

You're wearing that
in public?

And ask me if I've found out
what Darryl said yet.

Go ahead, ask me.

You haven't?

You said it, sister.

I can't pin Brianna down
long enough

to get her
to talk.

Hey, I know.

Why don't you throw
a sleepover?

They're, like,
total blab fests.

And I could have it on Friday.

My parents won't be home--
they have courtside seats

to some game with a ball in it.

CHARLOTTE:
Eat up, Angelica.

I don't want to be late

for our mother-daughter
scrimshaw lessons.

[ choking, gagging]

[ phone ringing]

Good-bye.

MAN [ on phone]:
Huh? What?

Is this the Pickles' residence?

Hello?

What's with the hair?

I've never seen it
so plasticlike.

Rachel's coming over,

and this time,
I'm not taking any chances.

I've got hours
of crying-and-dying movies.

What girl could say no to that?

[ doorbell rings]

I got it, I got it.

No one get near it, it's mine!

Hey.

Hey. Nice hair.

Ready to go?

You bet.

Just let me say hi
to your mom first.

Hello.

[ phone beeps off]

[ groans]:
You know what's going
to happen now, don't you?

Nothing, that's what.

She's never going
to come out of there again,

just like the last three times
she came over.

What do they do
in there?

I don't know.

Just talk, I guess.

Just talk?

Weird.

I don't get girls.

Maybe that's why
I don't get girls.

Man, if Dil had been a girl
like he was supposed to be,

maybe Mom would have somebody to
do nothing with besides Rachel.

Girl a, me?

Proof some see to like I'd.

TOMMY:
The doctor said you were
supposed to be a girl.

Mom even had
a name picked out
and everything.

"Dililah"?

BRIANNA:
Pretty edgy of you
throwing a party

without parental
supervision, Angelica.

They'll be gone for hours,
so we can do whatever...

What do you think you're doing?

Uh, nothing.

You can't fool me--
you're having a slumber party.

Okay, guilty, and you're
supposed to be courtside,

just like the last
, Fridays in a row.

Well, those were company tickets

and they stayed
with the company,

along with my expense account,
corner office...

I've got a great idea.

Why don't I go
put on my jammies

and I'll join you?

ANGELICA:
No!

Uh, I mean, isn't there sewing
or ironing you're dying to do?

Or how about looking for a job?

On a Friday night?

I wouldn't miss out
on all this girl bonding stuff

for all the hostile takeovers
in China.

Plus, after years
of office work and some
creative coupon cutting,

I'll be able
to put together

some pretty impressive
party favors.

Uh... what's
with the dress?

Jumper.

It's a dress,
as in "Why are you wearing one?"

It's the answer
to both our problems--

I'll do the girl thing so Mom
won't hang out with Rachel

and I won't lose Mom.

If it's a daughter she's been
a-pinin' for all these years,

then it's a daughter
she's gonna get.

Great, I lost
a girlfriend

and gained a sister.

Let me help, Mom.

And, by the way,

I'd love to watch
that movie,

Cowhide,with you
after dinner.

It's Sand Tide,uh...

What a cute jumper.

Told ya.

Oh, I get it:

First it was
the backwards phase;

now it's
the opposites phase.

So I guess I made
your favorite, lima beans.

[ flatly]:
Oh, just what I always wanted,

something to go with the black
three-hole punch I just got.

Want to trade the stapler

for five pounds
of frozen ground chuck?

Uh... no.

I don't even know
what ground chuck is.

Wow, a giant box
of dryer sheets.

Okay, girls, what's next?

Do each other's hair?

Talk about guys?

Practice kissing our pillows?

Sleep!

This is a sleepover.

Let's hit the hay.

Don't be silly--
it's far too early for bed.

We could always
staple something.

Neat idea, Brianna,

but I searched
the Web earlier

and came up
with Truth... or Dare.

That could be
interesting,
Mrs. Pickles.

Oh, good.
I'll go first;
I want truth.

And by all means, girls,
call me Charlotte,

or better yet, "Char."

[ groans]

Okay, Char...

what was Angelica's
most embarrassing moment?

Try this one.

I gave everything
to that company,

and this is
how they repay me--

with a free stapler and a kick
in the designer pants!

[ crying]

[ blows nose loudly]

You can't leave.

The game's called
Truth or Dare--

hello-- not
Dumping Baggage.

Wait a minute, Brianna,

are you ditching
before it's your turn?

All right, truth.

What did Darryl say about me
the other day?

Forget it, I'll take the dare.

I dare you to stay
with my mother all night.

All those unethical
business practices...

those shady
backdoor deals I did.

I know where
the bodies are buried!

Oh... he said he liked you--
now I'm going.

Yes!

Oh, honey, I ruined
your sleepover.

Doesn't matter.

Didn't you hear?

Darryl likes me.

Now I can make my move

when he plays
at the club tomorrow.

Well, it matters
to me.

I want to get
close to you.

And I think
I finally found
the way to do it--

something I did
with my mother
as a child,

and I've never forgotten
the experience.

An all-day sailing clinic?

Clear your schedule--

we hit the high seas
tomorrow!

Tomorrow?!

MAN:
And whatever you do,

don't let my floating
on a seat cushion

in the middle of the North
Atlantic for eight days

deter you from
the boating experience.

Just remember, one man's
hideous nightmare

is another man's
high-spirited adventure.

[ snap]

CHARLOTTE:
The eel swims around the coral

into the tunnel,
hits the anchor

and goes belly up.

Oh... oh, dear.

Maybe he was supposed
to swim under the coral.

Who cares about
a dumb eel?

Darryl's band goes on
in six hours,

and it's going to take me
two hours to get ready!

Hey, Gilligan!

Enough of that
yak-yak.

When do we get
in the boat?

[ snap]

[ slurping]

Hey, how are you?

Are you talking to me?

What's with
the attitude problem?

Uh, what's with the "I don't
have time to hang out with Tommy

"because I'm too busy
hanging out

with his mother"
problem?

I'm... hanging out
with you now.

Oh, yeah,
well, sure, now.

That's not the point!

If you're going to sulk
just because I like your mom,

I'm not sure we have

anything more to say
to each other.

That's fine,
that's just fine!

Okay... did we just have
our first fight here?

CHARLOTTE:
I can't tell what direction
we're headed in.

I'm thinking
the wrong one,

because we've drifted off
from everyone else!

Well, give me a hand
so I can hoist the sail.

I can't-- I wasn't paying
attention during that part.

I was working up
unforced, easygoing patter

between Darryl's sets.

Well, I was reapplying sun block

to protect thousands
of dollars of plastic surgery!

How hard
can it be?

[ screams]

Hang on!

Gotcha, honey.

[ both screaming]

[ splintering]

I'm going to pull you
back down, sweetie!

So hang on tight!

[ grunting]

[ ripping]

I'm no expert,

but I don't think
a sail is any good

when there's a big,
gaping hole in it!

Well, now,
don't worry.

We'll get back
for your party.

It's just
a matter of time

before we drift
into a current

and it sweeps us...

BOTH:
Out into the middle
of the ocean!

ANGELICA:
Paddle!

[ glass shatters]

[ Didi screams]

What's that?

Your next
two weeks' allowance.

Why aren't you
over at Rachel's?

I don't want
to talk about it.

Oh, dear, did
you two have a fight?

Was it about another boy?

No...

you!

Huh?

Ever since
she came over,

she's been
spending all her
time with you.

Don't you think
you're exaggerating a little?

Ready for daughterly duty, Mom.

I signed us up
for Fire Camp Girls.

"Daughterly duty"?

Yeah, I know
I was supposed to be a girl

and how you've bonded
with Rachel.

Well, look
no further--

I'm the girl
you always wanted.

Oh, my...

Dil, sit down.

Yes, Dil, it's true,

your father and I
did think you were
going to be a girl.

But once you were born,
we never looked back.

And I guess I owe you
an apology.

I have been
monopolizing Rachel.

I guess it felt nice

not being the only girl
around here.

I never thought of it that way.

Ugh, men...

Trust me, no one
would ever take the place

of you boys in my heart.

Uh...
that's okay, Mom.

We get it!

I'd better get out of this
and call the other gals.

They were expecting me
to bring the s'mores.

I got
my brother back,

but I don't think
my girlfriend

will ever talk
to me again.

You don't know
until you try.

[ panting]

We haven't...
gotten... anywhere.

Could it get
any worse?

[ thunder]

I can't take it
anymore.

I can stand getting lost at sea
or getting eaten by a shark,

but I can't stand not
making my move on Darryl!

You've got to do
something, Mom!

[ sobbing]

I'm sorry, Angelica,

but I have no idea
how to get us out of this!

But you're
Charlotte Pickles,
ferocious CEO.

You mean I was.

What's wrong with me?

Ever since I was fired,

I've totally lost
my confidence.

I can't even get
motherhood right.

[ blows nose loudly]

You mean, you lose
your confidence, too...

like me?

Well, get over it!

Now is not the time.

Listen, did I let
anything stop me

from finding out
what Darryl said about me?

No!

Know who I got that
"I'll stop at nothing"
gene from?

Me?

The way to get us out of this
is in you somewhere, Mom...

What are you looking at?!

Angelica,
hand me my bag.

I've got some
dental floss in there.

Flossing? That's your fix?

[ chuckles]

And didn't I tell you

I'd get you back in time
for the party?

I can't go looking like this!

Discouraged by a sunburn
and a couple of chapped lips?

Get over it!

Ow, burn.

The neck, the neck.

[ doorbell rings]

Look, I just want to say
this boy-girl stuff--

it's, like, all new to me.

I mean, I get
the boy stuff

because I'm a boy.

But the girl stuff...

[ whooshes]

Sometimes I don't know
what I'm saying.

I do.

You want to come in

for a grilled
cheese sandwich?

[ playing heavy metal music]

ANGELICA:
Move, out of the way!

[ grunting]

Move it!

Out of the way!

Angelica, why
are you so late?

Sunburn... and blisters!

Point taken--
out of my way.

I've got business
to take care of.

[ music continues loudly]

[ grunts]

Hey!

Darryl, I know
you like me,

and I like you!

[ music continues]

I did it! I'm back!

What'd she say?

WOMAN [ in movie]:
You don't know what a friend
you are to me, Danielle.

I wouldn't have made it
without you.

I know I was the famous one,
but you...

If you ever
tell anyone

I cried
over these movies,

I'll tell everyone
you wore a dress.

Jumper.

WOMAN:
I'll love her
like she's my own, Jordan.

[ all crying]

SUSIE [ laughing]:
Aah-ha, self-punked!