04x04 - Rachel, Rachel

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ birds singing]

Think they're
done arguing yet?

They must be.

It's been two hours.

TOMMY:
But I don't want

to go to Hebrew
school, Mom!

DIDI:
This is not
negotiable, Tommy.

I want you to know
your heritage.

None of my friends have
to go to Hebrew school!

I hate it!

No, they go to Sunday school,
and they hate it, too.

Treat you
to another scoop?

I don't know, Dad--
five's over my limit.

TOMMY:
I'm not going,

and you can't make me!

[ whines]

Ah, why not?

These aren't
all my permanent teeth.

[ Lil squealing]

PHIL:
So, your mom won, huh?

Yeah, but it was close.

DIL:
Yeah, right!

It was go to religious school
or eat with Spike.

Dil, maybe you haven't
thought of this,

but if Mom wants me to go
to Hebrew school,

she's going to want you to go
to Hebrew school.

Whoa.

Yeah, so just keep
laughing, Chanukah Boy.

[ scoreboard chiming]

LIL:
Yes!

Another strike!

Mark me down-- tenpin.

Whoo-hoo!

[ giggling]

♪ Uh-huh, uh-huh!

All right, which one of you
finely tuned athletes is up?

Phil?

Give me a sec.

I'm still looking
for a good ball.

Ow.

Yeah, like that's the problem.

So, how long is this Hebrew
school thing going to last?

Till my bar mitzvah,
when I turn .

Two years?

Who am I going to hang out with
after school?

It's only two days a week.

Sure, you say that now.

I know what's going to happen.

You'll meet new people.

Pretty soon it'll be
"Chuckie who?"

That's not going to happen.

In fact, let's make plans now.

[ buzzer; people jeering]

Thursday-- we can play
miniature golf

with the two free passes
you just won

for most
gutter balls.

Sure, then we could
come back here and bowl

with the two free passes
I'll win for worst putting.

WOMAN:
Please copy the blackboard.

You will be tested on this.

I won't say when or where

or how, but tested you will be.

[ children shouting happily]

BOY:
Don't go, Rachel!

RACHEL:
Come on, guys.

I have to go to class.

Don't go, Rachel.

Don't go, Rachel,
don't go.

Play with us.

[ grunts]

Hi.

I'll just take my seat now.

[ bell rings]

TEACHER:
Thursday we will learn
the vowels--

and learn you will.

Man, isn't
Hebrew school whack?

I don't think so.

I think it's
pretty interesting.

Uh, I mean
whack

that it's only
two hours long.

[ laughs nervously]

I think you sat
on your pen.

DIL:
Hey, bro.

I've been thinking about
this religious school thing.

The problem was
you didn't prepare.

When Mom tries
to make me go,

I'll just tell her

I have founded my own religion:
Dil Pickleism.

Stay.

Good boy!

[ fish food crunching]

Wow, you already figured out
Dil Pickleism's sacred meal--

that and fries.

years of marriage,

I don't get a card,
some flowers?

I was going to get
you something,

but those -year
anniversary cards
are very hard to find.

Tommy, tell your mother
your grandfather

is staying here
until he apologizes.

I'm sorry--

sorry I married
someone so sensitive!

May you sprout even more hair
out of those ugly ears!

[ sighs]

Uh-oh, I know that look.

Look? What look?

That "I've met the girl
of my dreams" look.

Believe it or not,
it's the same look I got

when I first met
your grandmother
back in the old country.

And I bet you you're
going to tell me about it.

It was the middle of the summer
and, boy, was it hot.

My best friend Oleg and I
were walking into town.

[ sneezing]

Oh, snow allergies.

So, what are you doing
this weekend, Boris?

Oh, what a weekend
I got planned.

First I'm going to build
a new outhouse--
with a door.

Ooh, Mr. Bigshot-- a door.

GRANDPA:
Yes, life was very hard.

But then... I laid eyes
on the most beautiful girl

I've ever seen.

Oy-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Word.

I fell instantly in love.

But she was
a butcher's daughter,

while I was just
a lowly tailor's son.

Hey, what chance did I have?

What chance do I have?

None, so let's
keep moving.

This heat is k*lling me.

But I wasn't going to give up
that easily,

so I decided I would try
to impress her

the best way I knew how.

Over the next few days,

I learned everything I could
about meat,

even though
I was a strict vegetarian.

Then, when I was finally ready,
I made my move.

[ bell jingles]

Uh, I would like to buy
a dry-aged, well-marbled

first-cut rib roast,
trimmed and dressed.

Ooh, you know much about meat.

That's how I got the job
working for her father.

And one day our eyes met

over a particularly fatty
skirt steak.

Boris, I never
knew a man

who could pick
a rump roast like you.

And that's when I knew
we were in love.

Aw, great idea, Grandpa.

Thanks.

Don't you want to hear
the rest of the story?

[ shouts exasperatedly]

TEACHER:
These will be

your mitzvah projects.

Mitzvah is a good thing you do
for other people.

Please sign up for the one
you are interested in.

Now!

[ kids clamoring]

I thought you didn't dig
religious school.

You kidding?

I couldn't wait
to sign up for...

uh, "Project Safe at Home."

What do we do? Take the kids
to baseball games?

No, we're building a house
for a family who needs it--

from scratch.

Wow. Huh, that sounds hard.

It is.

Hope you know your way
around tools.

Are you kidding?

I used to keep a screwdriver

in my diaper.

[ all laughing]

[ others laughing]

"Construction for Idiots."

Uh, "Moron's Guide
to Building Things.

Building for
the Hopelessly Helpless."

[ books falling]

[ shouting]

[ bell ringing]LIL:
Hey, Tommy?

Uh, Tommy? That ringing
in your head is the bell...

or "Home Building for People
With Snot for Brains."

You go ahead, guys.

I have some extra
studying to do.

All right, who is she?

Aw, okay, I met a girl
in Hebrew school,

and she's the most amazing
girl I've ever met.

She's pretty and smart
and pretty...

and I kind of said I know
how to build houses.

Ooh! [ gasps]

The perfect
Tommy Pickles lied?!

I didn't--
I just told her

I knew how to use
a screwdriver.

Too bad you're not my religion.

In Dil Pickleism, lying is okay.

Of course, no girls
are allowed-- they have cooties.

Guys, can you
leave me alone?

I've got six hours
of studying to do here.

Wait a second.

I thought we were playing
mini golf tonight.

Sorry, Chuckie.

Sunday, okay? Promise.

CHUCKIE:
Oh, man, why am I always

the one left in the dust
when Tommy finds a girl?

This time I'm going
to get my own girl!

How? All the girls
at school already know you.

Then I'll meet a whole new crop
of girls-- Tommy's way.

[ organ playing]

PHIL [ whispering]:
I don't know if this is

such a good idea, man.

Are you kidding?

This place is crawling
with girls.

[ gasps]

Oh, my gosh.

Did you see that?

Please turn to page .

Can't we go?

Not until I get
that girl's name.

Now we can go.

[ hammering]

TOMMY:
Ow!

Ow!

Tommy, can you
bring me over
that toolbox?

[ tools spilling]

So, what'd you want?

Hand me those shims.

TOMMY:
Uh, shims.

Shims... First they got me
learning Hebrew, now this.

Thanks.

Sorry I came down on you
about religious school
the other day.

It's just my family thinks
it's really important.

Mine, too.

They're really into
all this cultural stuff.

Mine, too.

My dad studied to be a rabbi.

Mine, too!

Your dad's a rabbi?

Uh, well, uh...

We have a lot more
in common than I thought.

Hey, why don't you come
over for dinner Friday?

You can lead Shabbat.

Oops, my ride's here.

Later.

[ door closes, car pulling off]

What's Shabbat?

Dil, what's Shabbat?

Uh-oh, what'd you tell
Rachel this time?

Nothing. She just
invited me over

for Shabbat and...
oh, she thinks Dad's a rabbi.

A rabbi?

He's not even Jewish!

Boy, this lying thing

is becoming a real disease

with you.
I didn't lie.

I just didn't correct
her assumptions.

If you were practicing
Dil Pickleism,

you'd be grounded
for eternity.

I thought you said lying
was okay in your religion.

Well, we had a meeting.

Lying is out; girls are in.

Hey, Dad, do you know
what Shabbat is?

Sure, a female robot.

GROUP [ chanting]:
Om....

[ Phil chanting awkwardly]

Om...

This is it,
this is the one.

There she goes.

Here's my chance.

What's wrong?

I'm...

I'm stuck.

Oh, you're
a software engineer?

I make video games.

You know Super Monkey
Pummel Six?

That's mine.

Mmm... good tea.

It's for washing
your hands.

Oh... I knew that.

I like to get
my mouth clean, too.

You know what they say,
dirtiest part of the body.

Tommy, would you like
to say the blessing

over the challah?
Challah?

Lord, thank you.

Oh, thank you for this bread

which we are about to eat.

And... abracadabra!

You are now a loaf of bread!

Amen?

Truth is...
I don't speak Hebrew.

And your dad's a rabbi?

He's very new-school.

You wouldn't even know
he's a rabbi if you met him.

Well, it's not important
what you say on Shabbat

as long as in your heart
you really feel thankful

for what you have.

Why don't we go
around the table

and say what we're thankful for?

I'm thankful
for spending time
with my family

and for...
for meeting Tommy.

Hi, Grandpa!

What you doing?
Shelling peas?

No, I'm shelling peas.

So, from the look
of you, I'd say

this girl you like--
she likes you.

Yep.

Well, so did
your Grandma Minka,

until one day...

And... you're going to
tell me about this, too,

aren't you, Grandpa?

Sit and be quiet!

At first, Minka and I were
spending all our time together

and the plan was
working like a charm.

Then one day I had to work
in the shop alone.

[ shop bell jingles]

It was Yokel the baker,

known throughout the town
as a very hungry man.

Good afternoon.

I would like to order
five pounds

of your very fine
chuck steak,

two rib roasts

and a pound and a half
of flanken,

a couple of briskets...

BORIS:
But we had run out of meat,

which meant
I would have to get it myself.

[ mooing]

Oh, don't look at me
like that.

You're a cow,
and I'm a butcher.

You're right,
I'm not a butcher.

[ gasps]

Boris...

Minka!

Please, let me explain.

[ mooing]

BORIS:
To this day, I don't know
if they were mad

that I wasn't a butcher

or that I brought a cow
into the shop.

Grandpa, I know why
you're telling me this,

but don't worry.

I got everything under control.

Tommy, guess what.

I just got a call
from Hebrew school.

There's going to be
a family picnic Sunday.

We're going to get
to meet

all your
friends' parents.

All the other parents?

Did somebody
say "picnic"?

I can barbecue
my famous pork loin.

Stu, a lot of Jewish people
don't eat pork.

Sorry, didn't mean
to be insensitive.

Maybe there's something else
I can make... spare ribs!

Oh, yeah...

Rabbi Stu.

[ crying]

[ people shouting and talking]

Look!

What?!

Kettle corn.

Not before lunch, Stu.

Come on, I want
to meet some of
Tommy's friends.

Oh, please don't let
Rachel show up.

Please don't let
Rachel show up.

DIL:
Is that her?

Yes! How'd you know?!

She looks like a Rachel.

Also, you've got
her picture as
computer wallpaper.

Cover for me.

Tommy, what are you
doing in the bushes?

I was going to jump out
and surprise you.

Surprise!

Where's your
family, Tommy?

Uh, they're not here.

They're in...

Tel Aviv... for a bar mitzvah.

DIDI:
Where's Tommy?

STU:
He went this way.

Excuse me.

Prickly, scratch-- ow!

Mom, Dad! I think I left
the car door unlocked,

and there are
shady characters around.

Who?

That guy.

That's the cantor.

Perfect cover.

Can't be
too careful, Deed.

Scratchy, stinging-- ow!

Where have you been?

I was saving a robin
that fell out of its nest.

I thought I heard you
talking to some people.

Which people?

Those people.

Who are they?

No idea.

Tommy!

"Tommy"?

Hi, I'm Tommy's mother.

I thought you were overseas.

Just for the day.

These are your parents?

It is an honor
to meet you, Rabbi.

"Rabbi"?

He's not a rabbi?

I'm not even Jewish.

Huh?

Rachel...

Rachel...

So why did you say
he was a rabbi?

I didn't--

you did.

I just didn't
correct you.

Oh... what else
have you told me

that isn't true?

That you like Hebrew school?

That you really wanted
to work on my project?

Why would you do
such a thing?

I just wanted you to like me.

I already did.

Grandpa, you
were right--
I messed up.

Please, I need to hear
the rest of the story.

What do I look like,
voicemail?

Please, I need to know

how you won back
Grandma Minka.

Okay, okay.

I was sad
for many months

afterwards.

I didn't talk to anybody
and no one talked to me.

Boris!

Sha!

But, Boris...

We are not
talking to anyone.

My darling Minka
is lost to me forever.

That's what I wanted
to tell you.

I found Minka!

You did?!

BORIS:
He told me

that Minka's family
had gone to America.

I knew immediately
what I had to do.

I gathered all of my things

and walked all the way
to the ocean

in search of a ship
that would take me to America.

[ ship's horn blowing]

[ klaxon blows]

I looked all over New York
for Minka.

[ shoppers asking about melon
in Italian, Irish, German]

[ thunder crashes]

A year and half later,
still no Minka.

Then...

Boris?!

Minka?!

BORIS:
It was a miracle!

Minka was no longer rich,

but that night she made me
a corned beef sandwich

that could knock
your socks off.

I've been a meat eater
ever since.

Five years later,
she married me.

[ glass cracking]

[ cheering]

TOMMY:
Five years?

You came all the way
to America

and it took five years
for her to marry you?

Your grandmother
has a long memory.

Oy, which reminds me,

I'd better go buy her
an anniversary present.

You know, sometimes
admitting you were wrong

is the best thing you can do.

[ gasps]

I've got a lot of that to do.

Not only to Rachel,

but I forgot
all about meeting Chuckie.

[ crickets chirping]

[ can clatters]

Chuckie! Wait!

I'm... I'm sorry.

Let me explain.

You don't have to.

It's like I said,

you're meeting
new people

and you don't
have time for me.

I get it.

No, you don't!

Rachel hates me.

She thinks
I'm a big faker,
and I am.

My grandpa was right:

You can't pretend
you're something you're not

just to make
a girl like you.

Tell me about it.

I still got the leg
cramps to prove it.

Huh?

Long story.

You sure
she'll never forgive you?

Oh, it'd take
a miracle.

This is where
she goes to school.

Yeah, but how
are we going to find her?

She said she does a lot
of after-school activities.

The trick is finding
which one.

[ kids try asking about melon
in Italian, Irish, German]

Hey, is that her?

Come on!

Wow, she's pretty, smart
and plays sports, too?

I wouldn't play with me either.

What are you
doing here?

[ panting]:
I was... I was, uh...

He came to say
he was a total jerk

and he hopes
you can forgive him.

Yeah, that's it.

Although "jerk" is
a little harsh.

Sorry, I just can't.

Let's go.

I'm... kind of surprised
to see you here.

Yeah, I know.

Funny thing is
I like doing this--

helping people.

I'm even beginning
to think Hebrew
school's cool.

Don't get carried away.

I'm sorry I messed up
our friendship...

but I'm going to keep
working on the house.

Feel free to avoid me.

[ yells]

Here, hold the nail
a little lower, like this.

[ bang; yells]

RACHEL'S DAD:
You know Super Monkey
Pummel Six? That's mine.