05x04 - TP+KF

[bunniefuu]

GIRL:
Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music playing]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ "You're another year older,
another year wiser" ♪

♪ But I still go to school

♪ To get an education

♪ I treat each and every day

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up!

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up!

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with...

♪ you.

[ thunder crashing]

CHUCKIE:
You know, nothing says Halloween

like scrounging through
three generations

of Finster trash.

Who used to wear this?

My uncle,
Lonnie "The Lice" Finster.

Eww.

What are you
supposed to be?

A car salesman?

No, I'm an international spy
and ladies' man.

I got it, Chuckie!

I have our Halloween costume.

Lizardo, the two-headed,
three-legged,

radioactive dyno-monster.

All we need now
is someone who can sew.

I might be
able to manage
a stitch or two.

You sew?

No.

Dil, is it true
you're not going

trick-or-treating
on Halloween?

Affirmative.

I'm going the day before,
when they least expect it.

Huh, that's not
such a bad idea.

Especially if those
-year-olds are out again.

They prowl the streets

in inappropriate costumes

hunting down kids
and stealing their candy!

[ older kids shouting,
younger kids screaming]

[ older kids laughing]

TOMMY:
Don't worry about them, guys.

As long we go in a big group,
we'll be perfectly safe.

This is going to be
the best Halloween ever.

LIL:
Hey,

check this out.

CHUCKIE:
"T.P. and K.F."?

[ thunder crashing]

Tommy Pickles and Kimi Finster?

Did you write
that, Tommy?

Of course I didn't.

Why would I be
interested in Kimi?

Hello? I'm in the room.

Please, Kimi,
tell your brother

there's no way I'd
be interested in you.

There's no way he'd
be interested in me.

Well, someone had to write it.

It could've
been anyone.

Angelica could have
done it to burn us.

Hmm.

[ laughing]

You're right.

What was I thinking?

PHIL [ softly]:
And this is

Kimi Finster's
second attempt.

Her form is perfect,
her concentration
is high.

Nothing can distract her...

Phil!

What's wrong with me?

I can't hit a single pin.

That's because you're
looking at your feet.

If you want
to hit the pins,

look at the pins,
like this.

Hmm...

Chuckie, you're up.

[ giggling]

Uh, would you guys like
your own lane?

I was just helping
her out, Chuckie.

No, helping her out would be
"Can I get you a soda?"

way over there!

Chuckie, I told you,

I'm not interested
in your sister.

But if you were,
you'd tell me, right?

Of course.

Because you know
it's against the rules

to mack on
your best friend's sister.

I know, and I'm not.

Good, that's settled then.

Good.

But how come you're sweating?

I'm not sweating!

Drip, drip, drip!

I'm not sweating!

Now, would you
let me bowl?

[ shouts]

[ all shouting]

[ bowlers shouting]

That has nothing to do
with me liking Kimi!

Tommy likes Kimi?

What? Huh?

[ all whispering]

[ gasps, groans]

KIMI:
Chuckie, there is
nothing going on

with me and Tommy.

Not that it's any of your
business if there was.

Aha! There is something.

Would you stop that?

Look, maybe Tommy did carve
those initials,

but maybe it was
a long time ago.

Then why wouldn't he
just admit it?

I don't know.

Maybe he's just embarrassed.

Maybe.

[ chain saw snarling]

What are you doing?

Clearing lines of sight.

I need to be able to see for at
least a mile in every direction.

Chas, you can't
cut down a tree

just because we get
toilet-papered

every year
on Halloween.

Oh, no?

Well, look at the scars
on my hand!

That's what six years
of picking two-ply

off the rose bushes
will do to you.

So this year I'm turning
this place into a fortress.

Fortress Finster!

I don't want my house
turned into a fortress!

How about a citadel?

No!

A bulwark?
No!

A keep?

[ chugging, clanking]

Oh, good, the backhoe's here.

That one needs to come out
by the roots!

[ screaming]

[ mechanical whirring]

Nice.

[ phone ringing]

CHAS:Hello?
Oh, hey, Tommy.

Yeah, just a second.

Kimi?

Telephone!

[ crickets chirping]

I'm worried
about him, Kimi.

I know.

I've never seen him
wig out like this.

If only there was some way
I could convince him that...

I'm completely
unattractive to you?

Exactly.

Thanks. I'll think of something.

[ rustling]

Who's there?

Aha!

"Aha"?

What "aha"?

You were with Kimi
just now!

We were talking about
how paranoid you're being.

And why were you spying
on us?

Don't try to make this about me.

You lied!

But I already have
a girlfriend.

Rachel?

So now you're a two-timer
and a backstabber!

Listen to yourself.

I just want you
to be honest with me.

I've told you everything!

I told you I wet my bed
until I was seven!

You never told me that.

Oh. So why are we

still talking about it?

Fine, Chuckie,
I did carve
those initials.

All these years

I've been
planning, waiting.

I was never interested
in you, just your sister.

Aha!

Again with the "aha"!

I was being sarcastic.

Look, if you feel this way,
maybe we shouldn't be stuck

in the same costume
trick-or-treating.

I'll go you
one better--

maybe we shouldn't be
friends at all.

You'd just take
all our history together,

all those great years

and flush them
down the toilet?

[ gurgling]

What's that?

It's a flushing sound.

Oh. You always were bad
at impressions.

Well, now I have
the rest of my life

to work on them--
without you!

Fine!

Fine!

[ door slams]

LIL:
How can you not be friends

with Tommy?

You've always been
his best friend.

Don't you mean "sidekick"?

Of course not!

No!

It's true-- I'm always
following Tommy around

while he gets all the glory.

Well, those days are over.

I don't need Tommy to get
through life anymore.

I feel like this is
all my fault.

Oh, no, it's not.

You're just a victim
in all this, like me.

Who are you going to go
trick-or-treating with?

What do you mean?

You guys, right?

Uh... Lil?

Uh...

Guys!

The thing is, we can't go
with you and not Tommy.

It wouldn't be fair
to take sides.

Sounds like
you are taking sides.

Uh... Lil?

Uh...

Fine, then I'll have to find
a new best friend,

and I'll go with him.

Or her. Or them.

What? I'm optimistic.

I'll just make a list
of the qualities

I'm looking for
in a new best friend.

A-number-one is loyalty.

Second, he has to be fun
to hang out with.

He's got to be
a natural leader.

This new friend is starting
to sound a lot like Tommy.

Okay, new list.

[ slurps]

[ power tool whirring]

Hey, expecting a prison break?

Nope, I'm securing
my home against t.p.-ers.

This year I will be t.p.-free,

even if I have to turn
this place into a keep.

A what, now?

You know, a keep.

It's like a citadel,
uh, a bulwark.

It's... oh, forget it.

So, what you got going there
besides the giant lights?

Nothing much-- laser tripwires,
motion detectors,

surveillance cameras

and the recorded sound
of German shepherds barking.

[ recorded barking playing]

[ neighborhood dogs
start barking]

Well, why stop there, Chassie?

Why not get
an electrified fence?

[ chuckles]

Ow!

[ barking continues]

CHUCKIE:
Trevor, hey.

Chuckie, I'm kind of trying
not to get beaned here.
Nice dodge.

Trevor, something
just opened up in my schedule

and I'm available for trick-
or-treating this Halloween.

What about Tommy?

Oh, he's out of the picture.

You're not friends
with Tommy anymore?

Nope.

Great, I'll call him.

Mario, hi!

I wondered if you have
anyone to go trick-
or-treating with.

[ doors slamming]

I'd ask you to join us, Finster,
but we're going

as a carbon atom.

Six electrons, six of us.

Couldn't you go
as a nitrogen atom?

That has seven electrons.

[ snickering, snorting]

Nerd alert!

Fridge, you want to go
trick-or-treating with me?

Fridge!

I thought you were deaf
in the other ear.

I am.

BOY:
No.

Uh, um...

Nein!

Sorry, Chuckie, I've got plans.

[ wheel squeaking]

DIL:
Still haven't
patched things up

with the Chuckster?

I'm just giving him
a couple days.

He'll come around.

He's not going to blow off
trick-or-treating.

Tommy, psst.

Word in the cafetorium

is you're not friends
with Chuckie anymore.

Where'd you hear
that from?

It's around.

Listen, there's always
a place for you

with the kickball posse.

Kickball?

It's not even a real sport.

Besides, they make you
pay for the jacket.

They don't tell you that.

Step off--
Tommy's with us.

No... Tommy's with us.

[ all arguing]

Whoa, bro, I had no idea
you were so popular.

Neither did I.

Any luck
getting someone for
trick-or-treating?

Not yet.

My first choices all said no.

But there's this kid with ear
hair who's got real potential.

Why don't you patch
things up with Tommy?

He probably hasn't made
any new friends either.

Uh, guys?

[ kids clamoring for Tommy]

Half those kids
don't even go
to school here.

[ video game playing music]

I'm Chuckie.

What's you're name?

[ video game continues]

Sorry, didn't catch that.

Okay, so, you want
to hang out sometime?

I'll take that
as a yes.

Trick or treat.

Uh, it's not Halloween.

Thought I'd avoid the rush.

Well, what are you
supposed to be?

A working stiff

just trying
to make a decent living

to support my family.

I didn't get any candy yet.

Would you take a check?

BETTY:
Chassie, I really think

you're going overboard
with the high-tech gear.

$., please.

If you're going to get t.p.-ed,
you're going to get t.p.-ed.

Not with these babies I won't--

Russian-issue
night-vision goggles,

the same goggles worn by the
Russian night volleyball team.

You're not supposed
to wear those indoors.
Why not?

[ light switch clicks]

[ screaming]

It hurts!

It hurts!
[ shouting, then thud]

[ groaning]

Didn't you read
the instructions?

They were in Russian.

LIL:
What's with
your new friends, Tommy?

It's like you're
famous or something.

Those people
don't love me;

they just love
the idea of me.

Ah, I know what you mean.

When I wear this jacket,
I get the same thing.

Yeah, they're
all over you, Phil--

especially people looking
for a good deal on a car.

Tommy, you have to patch things
up with Chuckie.

This has gone on
too long.

I know.

I'm really starting
to miss him,

and I've got no one
to trick-or-treat with.

Hello, Kimi, Phil, Lil.

[ video game playing]

This is my new best friend,

uh... I'll call him Pete.

ALL:
Hey, Pete.

[ video game playing]

You already have
a new best friend?

Yeah, they're pretty easy
to come by.

Hey, Pete, you want a smoothie?

You don't even
have to answer;

I think I know you well enough.

What'd you
say, Pete?

[ laughing]

You're so
funny, Pete!

You guys trick-or-
treating together?

Yes, Tommy, Pete,
my new best friend, and I

are going trick-
or-treating together.

[ video game stops]
What?!

I never said that!

Don't put words in my mouth.

And my name is Miltie.

Hey-- so, now that you two

don't have anyone
to go trick-or-treating with,

you should
go together.

I'd rather go alone.

Tommy, aren't you
going after him?

If he's going
to act this way

over something
I didn't do,

I'd rather go
trick-or-treating
with Rachel.

This is getting ridiculous.

Tomorrow may be our last chance
to trick-or-treat together

and Tommy and Chuckie
aren't talking.

We have to do something.

Like what?

I have an idea,

but you're going
to have to help me.

PHIL:
This plan's genius, Kimi.

Yeah, I know.

Thanks for doing this
with me, Phil.

I know how much you wanted
to be a car salesman.

International spy.

Hey, Phil,
thanks for letting me
go out with you guys.

I was going
to go with Rachel,

but she thinks Halloween
is an unholy alliance

of dentists
and candy manufacturers.

Her words, not mine.

Where's your half?

Kimi's got it.

CHUCKIE:
The hard part was
sewing the butt.

That required some
precision stitchwork.

See? I had to add
an inch of side seam

to adjust for stretch.

I can see that.

Ha!

Phil?

Chuckie?
Tommy?!

Okay, you two-- now, talk!

I can't believe
you did this!

Get me out of here!

Your lizard hands
are useless.

You have no choice
but to work things out.

[ straining, then ripping]

Hey, that took me
hours to make!

Bill me!

I can't be friends
with a seamstress!

Tailor.

That's it, I'm out of here!

Good! Find yourself
a new sidekick,

you... you...
sister stealer!

Ooh, you idiot!

I carved those initials--
not Tommy, me!

What?!

You did?

You mean you like me?

Like, two years ago
for a second.

Get over yourself!

So, Chuckie...

now that you know Tommy
didn't carve those initials,

don't you feel better?

No, now it's worse!

Dil, any chance
you want to go

trick-or-treating
with me?

Uh-uh, can't do it, bro.

I'm over
the Halloween thing.

It's all
a big sham.

I went out last night,
didn't get so much as a gumdrop,

just a big wad of cash.

What am I supposed to do
with $.?

Fine, I don't need you
or Chuckie to have fun.

In fact, Halloween
isn't even about fun--

it's about candy!

[ doorbell rings]

Trick or treat.

[ chortling]

What are you
supposed to be?

Listen, I've got houses to
hit and only two hours to do it.

Let's get to business.

I say "trick or treat,"

you give me candy.

This is the worst
Halloween ever.

I know, it's just
not the same without
Tommy and Chuckie.

[ all gasp]

[ cat yowls]

Phew, I thought
it was those teen thugs.

Come on, we should at least
knock on one door

before going home.

[ knock at door]

[ listlessly]:
Trick or treat.

Oh... what do we have here?

A vampire, a genie
and a car salesman!

International...

[ sighs]

You looking to lease or buy?

[ doorbell rings]

[ door opens]

Trick or treat.

Oh, you're the Finster boy,
aren't you?

I'm sorry,
I don't have any candy.

But I'd love
some company.

You see,
I'm very lonely.

[ meows]

CHUCKIE:
And in two days,
he got a million friends

but I can't even get one.

Growing up has always been
easier for him.

Like this one time
when I was five, I think--

I might have been six, or ½...

Tick-tock, tick-tock--
I don't have much time left,
sonny boy.

[ leaves rustling]

[ groans]

[ owl hoots]

[ gulps]

[ rustling]

TEEN:
Get him!

[ Tommy yells]

[ all panting]

[ laughing]

[ grunting]

Come back here!

TOMMY:
Chuckie, help!

[ laughing]

MECHANICAL VOICE:
Intruder! Intruder!

[ gives karate yell]

Middle-aged ninja!

Let's get out
of here!

[ gives karate yell]

CHUCKIE:
You were really scared,
weren't you?

Uh, yeah.

[ chuckling]

Wow, the great
Tommy Pickles.

You should have seen
the look on your face--

here's a mirror.

I'm glad I can
entertain you.

[ chuckling]:
Oh, I'm sorry.

It's just usually
I'm the one who's
scared, not you.

You're the
perfect one.

Perfect? Who says?

You have
everything, Tommy--

better hair,
better teeth,
better sinuses...

a girlfriend.

Is this why you
were so wigged out

by this Kimi thing?

I thought there might be
something between you two.

I guess I was jealous.

Well, there isn't.

Now can we be
friends again?

Yeah.

I don't know what life
would be like without you.

KIMI:
Everything cool?

Yeah.
Yeah, we're cool.

What do you say we hit
a couple of houses, huh?

CHAS [ gasps]:
Betty?

Heh... uh...
trick or treat?

PHIL:
You looking to lease or buy?