05x10 - Golden Boy

Episode transcripts for the TV show "All Grown Up!". Aired: April 12, 2003 – August 17, 2008.
Tommy, Dil, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Kimi, Angelica and Susie are now in middle school and have to deal with adolescent issues.
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05x10 - Golden Boy

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Four, three, two, one!

[ rock music plays]

♪ Every birthday,
my mom and dad would say ♪

♪ You're another year older,
another year wiser ♪

♪ But I still go to school,
to get an education ♪

♪ I treat each
and every day ♪

♪ Like a mini vacation

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I want the world to know

♪ All grown up♪

♪ I really want
to shout it out ♪

♪ All grown up♪

♪ With you

♪ All grown up with... you!


Yes! Yes!

Okay, Bro,

how many times have you scoffed
at my shadowy network

of underground contacts?

Well, they finally paid off.

Big time!

What are you doing?

Can't you see I'm
trying to operate?

Without anesthesia?

Are you insane, man?!

It's already d*ad.

I can see you're really
beating yourself up inside.


Okay. Deep breath.

Bro, I got my hands

on a real life alien
autopsy video.


you can see

his lungs,
his kidneys,

all three hearts,
and this gooey,

veiny, pulsating thing

that I've taken the liberty
of naming

a "Sploink."

So, it's okay to
cut up an alien,

but dissecting
a frog is wrong.

Don't ruin my moment
with your cold logic.

I had to pull
some serious strings

to get this tape.


I hate to break it
to you, but these
things are fake.

Give me a little credit, T.

I got this one
from a high schooler.

Tenth grade?



And we are
watching it tonight.

Mom won't let us watch
scary stuff.

Lucky for us,
Mom and Dad are going

to an invention convention
all weekend.

You're right!

Grandpa Lou is
coming over.

[ school bell rings]

Some warm milk,
the relaxing sound

of g*n
from his favorite Western.

He'll be passed out on in front
of the television by :,

drool on the recliner by :.

And we're the
only ones who know
about this, right?

We have to keep
this on the low.

Just you and me, Bro.

Hey, dudes!

Ready for the ultimate
alien experience!


Maybe I told
one person.


when are we watching
this alien get ripped apart?

Okay, two people.

But they say
twins are like spiritual halves,

so, theoretically,
it's still just one.

Okay, fine.

So it's just me,
Dil, Phil, and Lil.

Hey, guys.

Aah, Chuckie,
don't tell me.

You want to
see the alien
autopsy video.

You guys got an alien
autopsy video?

Count me out.

I'm terrified of aliens,

doctors and tools.

Why? Are you all
watching it?

[ horn honking]

[ panting]


You have all the
emergency numbers?

Oh, let's see.

Nine, one, uh...

What was that
last number again?

[ honking continues]

And Tommy,
I'm counting on you

to keep your little
brother out of trouble.

No problem, Mom.

Which means bed by :,

and nothing inappropriate

on television.

Ah, it sure is nice
to kick back

after a busy day

of writing angry letters
to the soap company.

I scrub and scrub,
but I never feel clean.

[ playful music, tropical music,
Western theme plays]

Oh, g*n
at Tumbleweed Lane.

That's a classic.

[ piano plays
foreboding tune]


Rest your dogs in this
highly relaxing mixture

of hot water,
Epsom salts

and cucumber

This is great, boys.

I feel like a king.

Just let the cares

of the world slip
away, Grandpa.

Slip away, slip away!

Uh, slip away... slip away...

[ snoring]

Operation eyecrust
is a success.

You have the tape?

It's in my pants.

Didn't ask where.

[ doorbell rings]

Oh, no! I told them not
to ring the bell.

They'll ruin everything.

Grandpa Boris?

Ah, boychics!

[ laughs]

What are you doing here?

Yeah, what's
hedoing here?


What are you
doing here?

Watching my grandsons.

I'm here to watch mygrandsons.

Stu called me, Louis.

Oh, yeah?

Well, Didi called me,

and the name's Lou.

Ah. Well, I'll call you

what I always call you.


That's it!

Now my blood is up!

How are we gonna
watch the tape

with two grandpas here?

They'll never fall asleep.

Their blood is up!

Well, I guess we'll
just have to wait

until the middle
of the night, then
sneak downstairs.

There's something
I forgot to tell you.

We only have the tape
until :.

What?! When were you
gonna tell me that?

At the last possible moment.


You'll just have
to smooth talk
Grandpa Boris

into going home.

I'd do it,
but I don't speak old person.

I can't get the...

[ phlegmy hack]:

[ sigh]

[ both growling]

Um, listen,

Grandpa Boris,
I'm sure you got

better things to do
on a Friday night

than baby sit

a couple of kids.

That's right.

So, just mosey on home,
and don't let the door hit you

on the way out.

Okay, I'll go home,

but I expect to be reimbursed
for gas and mileage.

[ both sigh]

See? He knows who's
better at taking
care of kids.

What did you say,

You heard me
just fine.

I'm staying,

and I'll show you
how to take care of kids!


This is a total bust.

How are we gonna see
alien innards

if our grandpas won't
act like normal grandpas

and pass out on the couch?

I don't get it.

Why do Grandpa Lou
and Grandpa Boris

hate each
other anyway?

Don't know.

Some big family mystery.

How about mac and cheese
for dinner, kids?

Junk food.

You don't know
what's good for kids.

I know how to
feed children

and make them grow.

Didn't work for you.

The only thing
that grows on you

are your ear lobes.

I know.

I'll make my Scottish
grandmother's haggis.

That'll put meat
on your bones.

What's haggis?

As if I really want to know.

Piping hot
sheep stomach

filled with heart,
kidney, lung and oatmeal.


I'll call the hospital,
reserve some rooms.

You see that?

That's not what kids want
to eat.

Ask them.

Which would you boys
rather have--

delicious, nutritious beets
and cabbage...

[ chuckles]

and maybe a nice pickled tongue,

or a stinky old haggis?


maybe a little

of both?

[ doorbell rings]

I'll get it!
I'll get it!

No, I'll get it.

You kids enjoy your dinner.

I didn't want to say anything
in front of Boris,

but that tongue
didn't look
very fresh.

Now, I'm not saying

you'll get expl*sive diarrhea,

Look who's joining us!

I thought we were here

to see an alien autopsy,
not eat one.

Alien autopsy?

[ laughing]:
You oldies.

Alien autopsy is a new
underground dance move

that's sweeping the nation.

Show 'em, T.

Alien, yes.


Huh. Yo.

No offense, T, but
just keep that in the kitchen.

Just eat up so we can get
to the video.


Man, this haggis is incredible!

Think you could make more?

All right.

Who's ready to see an alien
get it's sternum ripped open?

Ugh. Maybe you guys can watch it

and give me the highlights
tomorrow. Eh!

[ door creaking]

[ panicked mutterings]

What are you kids doing?

[ laughs]

We're just gonna play
some video games, Grandpa.



You're gonna let them
rot their brains with those

video games?

I'll entertain them myself.

No, no, Grandpa.

That's okay, we don't want
to be entertained.

Do we, guys?

[ all agreeing]

What do you know
from entertainment?

You're from Cleveland.

Everyone knows

all the best entertainers come
from Vladivostok.

I could out entertain you
any day, any place!

Oh, yeah?Yeah!

We'll let the
kids judge

who's got more talent.

Everyone in the living room!

[ playing lively rhythm]

♪ Dang, dang, dang,
dang-dang, dang, dang-dang ♪

♪ Dang-dang, dang-dang,
dang, dang. ♪

Now, this is a talent,

passed down from
generations of Pickles,

going back to
the early pioneers!


Feh. You
call that

hillbilly music entertainment?

Hak mir nicht in tchainik.

A shtik fleish mit tzvei eigen.

A sof!

A sof!

What the heck is this?

It's Yiddish
theater, you redneck.

Kids, just wait.

I'll be right back.

I picked this up
from my great uncle,

the sideshow carnie.

The trick is
to stay completely focused on...

[ plates breaking]

[ clock ticking]

[ humming and panting]

[ vigorous humming]

[ both muttering
and humming]

What are we
gonna do?

We only have this
tape till :.

I say we knock 'em out
with something blunt.

You're kidding, right?

Yeah. Of course.

[ bodies thudding onto floor]

Let's take a...
an intermission.

[ panting]:
I'm... I'm pooped.

[ panting]:
Tired... already?

I haven't even brushed off
my "A" material yet.

While you two are relaxing,
we'll just go downstairs

and play that educational
video game.

But you haven't voted.

That's right.

Now, who's
a better entertainer,

me or Shmendrick?

You were both equally...

Right, guys?You betcha.

thumbs up.

I liked the spoon act.


They're just spoons!

Der Ferklumptnicht

is-is a... a centuries old tale
of love and redemption!

You're Ferklumptnicht.

[ groans]
Let's just forget it, Dil.

They're never gonna
fall asleep.

We can't forget it.

Why not?

Uh... there's something
I forgot to tell you.

What else did you forget
to tell me?!

That I invited ten
kids to come over

and watch the
tape with us.

I thought we were
keeping this on the low!

Hey, that was just the "A" list.

We're not showing the
tape to ten kids, Dil.

Mom put me in charge.

I'm responsible
for what happens.

Hey, you okay, T Man?

Uh... er...
nothing I can't handle.

It looks like a
stress rash to me.

Is that like psoriasis?


This is

[ all expressing disgust]

Yeah, you guys are gonna make it
through an alien autopsy video.

I have an idea.

They both like
to play poker, right?

If we can get them to play,
they'll be distracted for hours

and we can
sneak everyone downstairs.

I don't know how to play poker.

Good! The faster we lose,
the faster we sneak away.

Eh, read 'em and weep, amigos.

[ softly]:
We're supposed
to lose, Phillip.

What can I say?

I'm hot.

Okay, Seven Card Stud Hi-lo.

I fold.

I fold.
I fold.

Let's see...

Phillip folds.

Well, looks like it's just
Grandpa Lou and Grandpa Boris,

the two bad boys of poker.

You ready to get spanked?

Like to see you try.

[ grandpas growling]

Ah, I thought we'd never
get away from them.

If I could just take a moment

to say a few words about
the alien who gave his life

for the advancement of science

and thousands of dollars
in mail order video sales.

Mr. Alien,
though I never knew you...

Just start it.

Okay, okay.

Okay, who needs popcorn
or barf bags?

I'll take some of each.


It's starting.[ video beeping countdown]

Lillian, is that
actual drool

coming out of
your mouth?


[ screaming]

Just static, C-Man.

BORIS [ in distance]:
No one accuses me of dealing
from the bottom of the deck!

Stop cheating,

and I'll stop

Just ignore them.

[ clattering upstairs]

[ all yelling]

[ all gasp]

You're going down,


You don't know who
you're dealing with!

I was wrestling champ
back in high school!

Ha! Back in the old country,
I used to wrestle bears!

That's because you are one,

you hairy animal!

[ both growl]

[ yells]
Old man boobs!

This might actually be grosser
than an autopsy.

[ both grunting]

This is your
fault, Dil.

You have to
stop them.

I am not touching them.

Besides, Mom put you in charge.

[ grunting continues]

[ doorbell rings]

Oh, no!

That must be
the ten kids

you weren't
supposed to invite!

Ooh! I'll let them in.

[ Dil grunts]

Back off!

I'm going in!

[ yells]

[ garbage disposal whirring]

[ all yelling]

[ grandpas grunting]

What's the hold up?

We want to see the tape!

[ other kids chime in]

Chuckie, you go out
and stall them

while we figure
out what to do.
Why me?

Because you're so
good with crowds.

Oh, thanks.

Wait, I'm not

good with crowds.


[ chuckles]


This is a disaster!

My house was trashed.

The tape was destroyed.

It's over.

What are you saying?

We came here for nothing?

We ate haggis for nothing?!


There's one little detail
I forgot to tell you.

What? What?!

What did you forget to tell me
this time, Dil?! What?

Well, I'm not exactly
supposed to have the tape.

I thought you were
the go-between!

I was, but I didn't actually go.

I just betweened.

[ grunts angrily]

You mean
you stole it?

Wow, you're like a criminal.

As long as we get the
tape back by :,

we'll be fine!

Spine Snapper sleeps
during the day.

You stole it from a guy
named Spine Snapper?

And I'm the one who's going
to get b*at up for it.

No, I am!

It's a rule.

They always b*at up
the older brother!

I can't believe you, Dil!

This always happens!

You come up with some stupid,
harebrained scheme,

and it always
becomes myproblem!

Whoa, hey, don't do

anything rash.

[ growls]

Bad choice of words.

[ grunting]

[ Dil grunts]

Hey, watch it!

A volf farlirt zayne hor,
ober nit zayn natur.

Ich vel dir geben a khamalye.

He's speaking alien!


[ kids cheering wildly]

Hey, hey, hey!Stop it!

You're acting like babies!

like babies?

What about you?

Look at yourselves.

Look at what
you've done

to this place.

They're right.

What's up with all
this bad blood, anyway?

You want to know what
this Shmendrick did to me?

What I did to you?

You're the one who
started this whole thing.

Oh, yeah?

How?I'll tell you
exactly how.

You... uh...

You tell me what
I did to you.


Um... I can't remember.

[ both laugh]

I'm glad you can have
this nice moment,

but I've got ten
angry kids outside

waiting to see an
alien autopsy,

a guy named Spine
Snapper on my case,

and this burning itch!

Alien autopsy?

Now, you boys know
those alien tapes

are all galashnigazoont.

If by that
you mean fake, Grandpa,

you may be on to something.

If you gentlemen
would be willing

to lend your bodies
to science...

Color me intrigued.

You think an alien
with body hair is believable?

Keep your mouth shut.

You're taking me
out of the moment.

That looks great, guys.

Let's roll 'em.


We're ready to begin

the procedure.

I'm making an incision
in the lower...

[ laughs]

Stop laughing!

I can't help it!

It tickles!


I'm okay.

Let's go again.

Everybody ready?

Alien autopsy, take two.


I'm making an incision
in the lower...


[ Lil whimpers]

We can see
that the alien's sploink

is clearly shaped
like a ripe banana.
[ gasps]

Way to go, Pickles.

You cracked this alien thing
wide open.

So to speak.

That was so cool!Awesome!

Unbelievable.Gnarly, dude.

That was one hairy alien.

Who would've thought?

Great save, Dil.

Inspired in fact.

'Twas nothing.

Sorry to make you bat
clean up all the time, T.

Ah, it's okay.

That's what
older brothers are for.

[ whimpering]The tape, Pickles.

Hand it over.

Here you go.

No harm, no foul.

Right, Mr. Spine
Snapper, sir?

This ain't it.

You're d*ad,
Dil's older brother.

Wh-Why me?

I always b*at up
the older brother.

It's a rule.


Take your hands
off my grandson!

You heard the man!


[ chuckling]:
Are you kidding me?

[ both growl]

[ yells]
Old man boobs!

Thanks, Grandpas.

Now, come on inside

and help us clean that mess up
before your parents come home.

Well, I guess
we'll never know

if it was a real
alien autopsy tape.

When I was in the Army,
I was stationed at Area .

I could tell you stories
about aliens.
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