03x14 - Ditch Mitch or Die Tryin'

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Duncanville". Aired: February 16, 2020 - present.*
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Animated sitcom centered around a spectacularly average 15-year-old boy, his family and friends.
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03x14 - Ditch Mitch or Die Tryin'

Post by bunniefuu »

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪

[laughs]

Ooh! [growls]

- Mommy!
- Aaaaah!

- Duncan!
- Duncan!

Wow, Mom's got the big earrings.

Dad's got his jeans
without the crotch ripped...

must be going somewhere nice.

We're having dinner at DiMaggio's

with Garrett and Bryce,
our friends.

- Where's Jing?
- Don't go. Play with me.

You're too old for friends.

[grunts]
Don't worry.

- Duncan's in charge.
- You're leaving?

[chomps, gulps]

Who's gonna take care of me?

Ugh, there's leftover mac
and cheese in the microwave.

All you need to do is press reheat.

Whoa, whoa, you can't throw
a bunch of technical stuff

at me on your way out the door.

I am so screwed.

Got a new hole
in your crotch, Dad.

Damn it, I've had 'em on
five minutes.

Now, if Jack has that hole in
his jeans, do not say anything.

And there it is.

Sorry we're late.
Our kids just make it

impossible to get out the door.

- They're like helpless blobs.
- More like selfish parasites

- who suck the life out of you.
- Ah.

See, I told you.

He's been trying to talk me
into having kids.

Oh, my God, you have to.

- They're gifts from heaven.
- No greater joy.

Ah!

So that's why you invited us

to dinner... you want
my womb for surrogacy.

The answer is yes.

And all of my sperm is yours,
gentlemen.

We have plenty, but maybe
you could help me

talk this guy into fatherhood.

Eh, I'm just not ready
to give up my freedom,

sleep, and white sofa.

You're just afraid
you won't be good at it.

I overheard
your Zoom therapy session.

What? Wear earbuds.

I know parenting
seems like a lot of work,

but kids are only hard
for the first couple of years,

and then they become
totally self-sufficient.

Mom, I can't find my left sock.

Dunkie, say hello
to Garrett and Bryce.

Hey.
Do you know where my sock is?

I got you, buddy.
Comin' up.

Oh, yep, there you go.
How's that feel?

Like a shirt for my foot.
Thanks, Dad. You're the best.

You had a spare pair of socks
on you?

- Ah, you're like Super Dad.
- That was impressive.

Well, parenting's a snap when
you know what you're doing.

[gasps]
Bryce, you can do a ride along

with me
like that movie "Training Day,"

but without the PCP and m*rder.

That's a great idea.
He can teach you everything

you need to know
about being a dad.

You should do it, hon.

Experience the wonder
of children firsthand.

Can't we just get a fifth dog?
Fine.

Can I get another sock?
I stepped in lasagna.

You already said yes.

[birds chirping]

Get in.
It's father-training day.

Now?
I thought we were gonna do that

on a weekend or something.

I'm piloting a flight
in two hours.

As a dad, you're gonna have
to get used

- to canceling things last minute.
- [groans] Fine.

Hello, Delta?
It's Captain Sullenberger.

No, the other one.

Why do I have to learn things

you already know
how to do for me?

That lasagna sock
was a wake-up call.

So I'm gonna do
a "Training Day" of my own.

Welcome to
Annie's home ec class.

Now stir, scoop,
blow, and taste.

It's just mac and cheese.
I know what it tastes like.

Oh, my God,
this is the best friggin'

mac and cheese
I've ever had in my life.

It's the same boxed
mac and cheese I always make.

I think it's pride you're tasting.

Yeah, also,
you drown it in milk.

It's basically soup.

The point is,
you did it on your own.

Why didn't you ever tell me

that doing stuff for myself
would feel so good?

I tell you that all the time.
Look at the fridge magnet.

Yeah, but you never read it to me.

Never mind...
I'll do the dishes

- so we can start our next lesson.
- No, I'll do 'em.

I don't like people
messing with my kitchen.

[laughing]

[whimpering]

Uh-oh, pouty lower lip,
playdate gone wrong.

Let's kick some parenting ass.

I'm riding here.

What's wrong, boo boo bear?

What? Oh, me?

What's wrong,
young, human child?

Well, Joey says I
can't hang with the crew

if I don't lose my baby training wheels.

- Will you teach me to ride?
- Wow, Bryce,

I thought you'd
be hit with something smaller

like skinned knee
or hungry tummy,

but bam,
straight to rite of passage.

Jack, your hand's bleeding.

Yeah, dad hands do that.

Try and keep up, rookie.

- [whimpering]
- Mm.

Hoopa.

Don't let go.
Don't let go!

We won't.
[bike bell rings]


- Don't let go!
- BOTH: We won't!

[both panting]

This happened on my watch.

Boss, no!

[bike bell rings]

- Don't let go!
- BOTH: We won't.

- Don't let go.
- [grunts] I won't.

[bike bell rings]
[bulls bellowing]

Oakdale has
a Running of the Bulls?

We were briefly colonized by Spain.

[bull groans]
Ow!

- Uh...
- Don't let go!

[groans]
BOTH: We already did.

Yay!

Whoa, Jing's kissing
the sky over here.

- I love you, Daddy!
- That's why we do it, Bryce.

Try not to talk, sir.

- Clear!
- [grunts]

Okay, now, dadding a teenage
boy has its own set of rules.

For example, never walk in
their bedroom without knocking.

I'll show you why.

[grunting]

Come on. Come on.

- Hey, Dunker.
- Get out, I'm not finished!

Oh, my God.

Calm down...
I'm learning to sew

and fix Dad's ripped crotches.

It was a surprise
so I didn't have to

buy you a birthday present.

Wow, you did that yourself?
You're really growing up, son.

You teach 'em to fly,
sometimes, they soar.

Thanks, Dad.
May I hug you?

Like you have to ask.

That was amazing, Jack.

Once I knew he wasn't
masturbating,

I really saw
the reward of parenting.

I think I might
be ready for this.

You won't regret it, my friend.

Toughest job you'll ever love.

- Hi, sweetheart.
- Don't talk to me!

You suck! Everybody sucks!

I hate my life
and yearn for death!

Hey, let's go hug Duncan again.

- Get out!
- Oh, my God!

This seems like a private
moment for you and Kimberly.

Maybe I should go home
and have a vasectomy.

Don't get snipped
just 'cause you're scared.

You need to see this.

We're gonna have a gentle talk

between father, daughter,
and father's guy friend.

Hey, girl, wanna dish?
Oh, don't mind Bryce.

I'm just teaching him
how to parent,

and he gonna teach me
how to fly a jet.

I never said that.

Tell us what happened.

[babbling incoherently]

Oh, no, that's terrible.

She says
Ashley, Brooke, and Courtney

- are bullying her again.
- The ABC girls?

They got kicked off
of one of my flights

for booing everyone in coach.

- [babbling incoherently]
- You're kidding!

She sat in apple juice and
now they call her Kimber-pee.

Well, don't worry, honey.
I'll just call their parents.

[babbles incoherently]

[clears throat]
Um, she says she respects

my opinion,
but is open to other ideas.

No, I said you need to
keep your fat neck out of it.

You can't stop these girls.
They pick on so many people,

they have a bully calendar
on their phones to keep track.

- Uh, if I could jump in...
- Careful, you're still in training.

Listen, I was a gay kid
in the ' s

who was obsessed
with Hulk Hogan.

I drew a handlebar mustache
on my face

and wore a yellow leotard
on picture day.

- Ew.
- Dang, brother.

So I know
about being bullied.

Really?
How'd you handle it?

Uh, poorly.
I ate a whole pie every night

while listening to the Smiths.

But one day, my bullies
and I ran into each

other outside the horrible
middle school dynamic

and got to know each other
for who we really are,

- and we all became friends.
- By the end of middle school?

Oh, God, no. This is
years later at a gay bar.

Most ' s h*m*
was closet-driven.

[groans]

We can't wait that long.

We have to show those girls
how cool you are now.

Oh, I'll call and tell 'em.

[babbles incoherently]

She says my fat neck
needs a better plan.

Well, if anyone can come up
with one, it's you, Super Dad,

and me, the guy who stranded
people at the airport

just to push a girl on a bike.

Mia, thanks for going along
with our top-secret plan

to win over Kimberly's bullies,
or TSPTWOKB for short.

Yeah, I saw the logo
on the T-shirt you made me.

Can we get this over with?

Okay, the ABC girls
hang out here every day,

so Kimberly will run into them
any minute.

Everybody got
their backstories straight?

I am Chip, a recent divorcé

trying to start again,
and I sleep in my car

and I shower
in a bathroom sink.

And I'm Darryl,
a washed-up rock star

and recovering heroin addict
who did time for manslaughter.

Working at this pizza place
isn't what I want, but it's

what I need to get joint
custody of my son, Michael.

- Mia?
- Oh, this is my actual life,

- and I'm sad about it every day.
- Ooh, that's good!

They're here. Places.

We need a table.
My dad's rich.

Sorry, it's gonna be
at least minutes.

Some old man
left his newspaper here

if you wanna read it
while you wait.

ALL: Aw.

Oh, my God, Kimberly!

Lovin' your whole vibe,
girl, as always.

- ALL: Hmm?
- Got the VIP booth for you.


Thanks, Mia.
Oh, hey, guys.

I didn't know you come here
every Thursday at : p. m.

before spitting in the samples
at Sephora.

Wait, you two know each other?

That's right,
and I'm a high-schooler,

which is dope.

My nose ring and I think
Kimberly is hella tight.

Hey, you guys wanna join me?

I got free pizzas
coming my way.

Yeah, I give her free stuff,
and as stated before,

I'm in high school,
which is fire.

Yeah, sure, Kimberly!
That'd be cool.

If my ex-wife and your
ex-bandmates could see us now,

- Darryl...
- True that, Chip.

True... that.

The Chipotle dumpster
was a wonderland today.

How often do you find
a burrito bowl

with guacamole still on top?

[sniffs]
What doesn't stink in here?

I'm baking.
I made cucumber sandwiches,

and there's cranberry scones
in the oven.

Eat up, eat up.

- Yo, you're baking?
- We have an oven?

I thought that was a TV
that always b*rned my hand.

These cucumber sandwiches
are bussin'!

The cream cheese
isn't even rancid.

How'd you learn to do all this?

My mom's been
teaching me home ec.

Is she taking on other students?

You want my mom to teach
you to cook and clean?

I want your mom
to teach me everything.

Let's have scones
at the banquette.

What the hell's a banget,

and where's our pile
of dead raccoons?

I re-homed them
into the trash.

They weren't sparking joy.

It's true...
we hadn't touched those

dead raccoons in a year.

Kimberly, I think because
I'm always glaring at you

in disgust, I've never noticed

your hair color is really pretty.

OMG, Brooke,
that is so sweet,

and because you're
always glaring at me,

I never noticed
how pretty your eyes are.

JK, I totally noticed.

[both laugh]

Great JK.

We are miracle workers, Jack.

They should send us
to the set of "The View."

Oh, I wanna know
everything they're saying.

I wish I was one of the
six flies on their pizza.

[flies buzzing]

- God, this place is gross.
- Come on. We're going in.

Well, it looks like
you're all having a good time.

Yes, we are. Bye.

Can I tempt you with dessert?

The Choco-pasta's to die for.

Ew, do we look
like we eat dessert?

Yeah, and aren't you too old
to be enjoying working here?

No, I'm, uh... I'm... I'm just
trying get my life together

- to get custody of my son.
- That's lame.

- Your lame.
- You hear that?

The dessert perv
with the man boobs

doesn't have custody of his son.

[laughter]

His body is fine.
It's called "dad bod."

- It's a thing!
- And who's this loser?

You look like a tired mannequin.

[gasps] I thought your
generation didn't body shame.

We body shame boomers, boomer.

Boomers?
[groans]

This old guy's having
a heart att*ck... gross.

Come on, Kimberly.
Let's go to Sephora.

[hocks up spit]

Sorry... but thank you!

Once he wakes up,
clean the bathroom.

Thanks, Darryl.

- [laughs]
- A tired mannequin?

That is absolutely you in the morning.

- [laughs]
- They made fun of your man boobs?

I love your man boobs.

- Bloopy, bloopy, bloopy, bloopy.
- [laughs]

It's not funny!
They really hurt our feelings.

You helped Kimberly.
You should be proud.

I know I am.
Bloop.

You're gonna let a bunch of mean
girls emasculate you? [laughs]

Pathetic.
[oven dings]

Ooh, my sticky buns are done.

You're grown men,
and they're .

- Let it go.
- I'm sorry.

Jack could let it go.
He's a bigger man.

But Darryl did not kick heroin
to put up with this.

You're not supposed to be
picking fights with little girls.

You're supposed to be training
Bryce to be a dad.

"Training Day" is over.

It's a different Denzel movie now...

- "The Equalizer."
- I haven't seen this, but I'm in.

Ooh, this is gonna be ugly.

The only thing worse
than a nasty tween girl

- is a pissed-off gay man.
- Top off your Pinots?

Thank you,
my stuper student...

super student.
Oof!

Maybe I should eat some crackers.

[laughs]
[burps]

Let's go reclaim our dignity.

Damn it.

[dramatic music]

Ah!

♪ ♪

[whimpers]

♪ ♪

[record scratches]

- [screams]
- Uh-oh.

[both panting]

What is wrong with us?
They're kids!

- We should be able to take 'em.
- I'm sorry, wait.

Did you think we were gonna
fight these little girls?

- No! Did you?
- I wish someone would.

Why are you
in the boys' room?

It's the only safe place
to hide from the mean girls.

I thought you guys were all...

[mocking voice]
"Oh, we're so close.

"Let's braid
each other's hair and...

[normal voice] "Verbally our
father and his best friend!"

I decided I just couldn't
hang with kids who said

such hurtful things
to two men I love and admire.

Uh-huh, what really happened?

Fine.
They wanted me to bully kids

with them, and when I said no,
they went back

- to calling me Kimber-pee.
- You know what?

I do wanna b*at up
those little girls.

[phone chimes] Looks like they
have a full day of terror planned.

I'm still synced
to their bully calendar.

They forgot to take me off.

So you know what they're
gonna do before they do it?

That means we can stop
every mean thing they have

planned, and no innocent
kid or full-grown man

will ever have to
fear them again.

- Sounds like a plan to me!
- Lil Joey, this isn't your school.

I don't like
to take dumps there.

Those tiny toilets can't hold
what Joey's got to give 'em.

Hey, can one of yous
drop me off at the track?

[dramatic music]

Operation Bully Block begins.

I've got chills.

Okay, : p. m.,
spray paint Wesley M.'s locker.

[school bell rings]
Here they come... right on time.

[all laugh]

[laughs]

- Hmm.
- Hey, I read somewhere

that kid's freaking cool.

Yeah.
[camera shutter clicks]

Well, I had a good run.

[cheers and applause]

[all laugh]

[dance music playing]

♪ ♪

[suspenseful music sting]

Mm-hmm.

[grunts]

- [grunts]
- [gasps]

Timothée Chalamet?
What are you doing here?

Asking you to dance.

[cheers and applause]

[all gasp]

Huh?
[all grunt]

[screaming]

Oh!

Waah!

Whoo-hoo!
Oh.

[all cheer]

Who keeps blocking us?
My dad's rich.

All right, let's see what's
on the bully calendar next.

Hit Cooper with basketball.

Oh!

Okay,
didn't get to that one in time.

[gasps]
Wait, there's something huge.

"Friday, after gym class,

our biggest, meanest prank ever."

Meaner than trying to drown
someone with a broken leg?

We should call the police, Jack.
I'm fearing for our lives.

I thought
you wanted to be a dad.

No, I'm on the fence.
I've been saying that.

[controller buttons clicking]

Feet up.
Feet up.

[vacuum whirring]

Get out of the way!

Humiliating defeat,
life wasted.


This place is filthy.

Why aren't you wearing
the paper booties I put out?

- Sorry, Mom.
- That's some way to talk to me

after I made you pumpkin bread.

I'm tired of being overworked
and underappreciated.

What do you want? Sex?

I want you guys to clean up
after yourselves.

- Okay, we're out.
- Grab the pumpkin bread.

- [grumbling]
- [gasps]

[vacuum whirring]

Oh, look at this
cute mother of pearl spoon

and this dream catcher.
I think I'm gonna buy these...

- [gasps]
- On Amazon later.

Thank you!
Your store is so cute.

Good thing I sell cocaine
out the back.

There you are!
Mrs. H, we got a situation.

Duncan's acting all
responsible, and it sucks!

Sorry, Bex, but after
years of babying Duncan,

I'm finally
enjoying some me time.

- I just almost bought something.
- Now, if you'll excuse us,

Annie and I are off
to the desert to do ayahuasca.

We are?

You said I could
choose the next thing.

We want Dirty D back,

so we're asking you
to make like a mother

and sacrifice your happiness
for a bunch of damn kids.

No, I want Duncan to grow up
to be self-sufficient,

and I wanna day drink.

Ugh, we all do,
but if you don't get him back

to being an incompetent goof,

we're gonna cut
his tidy ass loose.

So what's it gonna be?

Do you want a helpless kid
or a friendless kid? Yikes.

Gym lets out in minutes,
and I can't find any signs

of the biggest,
meanest prank ever.

Did you check for super glue
on the toilet seats?

- Duh, yeah.
- Did you inspect the shampoo

for Nair and the lockers
for m*rder hornets?

- Obvi.
- Did you check

the tampon dispenser
for dynamite?

- No!
- Ugh, you're not thinking

like a -year-old girl.
Come on, Bryce.

All right,
I'll do a dynamite sweep.

You check the towels
for itching powder.

Busted.

Nuh-uh. You're busted.

You're not pranking anyone today.

Uh-huh. Hello, police?

There's two old creeps
in the girls' locker room.

One barely fits in his shirt,

and the other looks like
an alcoholic weatherman.

- [both gasp]
- [laughs]

[grunts]

Once the cops hear
our explanation,

I think we'll still be in trouble.

Wow, you were thirsty, Arthur.

Dunkie, you know how much
I enjoy walking in your room

and not gagging
from a wall of stench.

- I do.
- But you gotta bring back

- the funk, Dunk.
- Huh?

The truth is...
[sighs]

[robotically] I love housework
and miss doing it.

Well, we can do it together.

[robotically] No, it
must be me, and me alone.

It is my identity.
I am nothing without it.

Yeah, that's true.

You don't have
a lot else going on.

- Huh?
- Oh, here.

I was gonna clean
the toilet next,

but I can see
how much it means to you.

Thanks for taking the time

to teach me
all those life skills, Mom.

Aw, you're welcome, sweetie.

Maybe I'll use them again,
but doubtful.

The next woman in my life

will probably wanna
take care of me too.

[sighs] I could be flying on
ayahuasca in the desert right now.

Well, looks like Darryl
and Chip are sex offenders.

That's why you always have
backstories and fake IDs.

How the hell did
those mean girls find us out?

Maybe 'cause you kept peeking
around corners and high-fiving?

Sorry I let you down, honey.

I really wanted those girls to
see what a great kid you are.

Don't need 'em.
I made real friends.

Yeah.

My mom says
you're too old for me,

but she doesn't know
what you smell like.

Besides, you got nothing
to feel bad about.

I'm lucky to have a dad
who cares so much

and a Bryce who would
definitely make a great father.

I'm not afraid, Jack.

I'm ready for the toughest job
I'll ever love.

[pants rip]
Oh!

The crotch of my jeans,
it just ripped.

- Welcome to the club, Dad.
- Ah!

This is your life now.
We'll never leave you alone!

- [all scream]
- Let's kick tween ass.

[all screaming]

Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,


and welcome aboard.
I'm Captain Sullenberger,

- your pilot and new dad!
- I'm his husband. Me!

Baby was my idea...
had to talk him into it.

Will you guys
excuse me a minute?

Okay, Bryce,
time to teach me to fly.

- Still never said that.
- Come on, man.

I Denzel'd you into daddyhood.

- Switch, switch!
- Okay.

This is the thrust lever.

[engines thrum, tires squeal]

Now take the wheel, and...
we're lifting off!

Don't let go. Don't let go.

I won't.
My family's on this flight.

Annie, kids,
I'm flying the plane!

[all screaming]

Whoa, I'll never let go!
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