01x01 - First Blood

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

By the power of Hephzibah,

I compel you to oblivion!

Oh, a girl.

You'll need a needle
for that one, Christina.

That's cystic.
- You're cystic.

How do you know what I need?

Because I'm your mother,
and mothers know best.

Oh, you're right, Mother.
You do know best.

I'm so glad you moved us
to a new town

in the middle of a school year

so I get
to restart seventh grade

with a whole new group of kids.

Look, I know it's not ideal,

but... but don't blame me
for the economy, okay?

I got to go where the work is.
- Mom!

Use the crosswalk,
you little gremlin!

Whew, you're lucky
your mom's got the reflexes

of a g*dd*mn cheetah.

I'm walking the rest of the way.

I can't stand another
minute with you.

Are you sure you're okay?

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- What's going on?

- You feeling fussy?
- What?

Your little rosebuds tender?

Tell me.
- Stop it!

Ew, Mom!
- Let me feel.

- Get off of me!
- Let me feel them!

Hey, does this hurt?
- Goodbye!

And don't forget
new school rules!

Assume everyone is a m*rder*r
until proven otherwise!

Christina?

All of my favorite
actors got cancelled.

And I was like, "Yes, Mom,

I do love my followers more
than you."

Is that a new girl?

Ooh.

Hey, guy.

Mind if I share this locker
with you?

Hey, heads up!

Bye, you m*therf*cker!

Gotcha, little one.

Um, hi.
- Hi.

I believe this 30-legged
friendly centipede is yours.

- Oh! Oh, yeah, thanks.
- Yeah.

- You're new here, right?
- Uh-huh.

I'm Bennigan, resident
self-appointed school greeter.

Oh, hi.

I'm Chrissy.
- Hi.

Did you know the technical
name of the house centipede

- is Scutigera...
- Coleoptrata.

- Yeah.
- Oh, you knew!

I totally knew.

Nerds!

So there's, like,
this party tonight

at the abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike.

You should go.
And I'll go.

And then, that way,
we're kind of going together.

Uh...

- Huh?
- Uh, okay.

I have to bathroom now.

- Oh.
- Oh, my God.

Please forget I just said that.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Don't worry, I flushed it
from my memory, so...

Probably shouldn't have
eaten that block of cheese

last night.

What the hell?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Not today.

Come on, get in here.

May I suggest the boys' room?

Men have taken so much
from women already.

Girls don't poo-poo, dumbass.

God, I hate nerds.

- Bennigan.
- Me too.

My mom left my awesome dad
for a nerd.

Now instead of football games,
we visit historical bridges.

Bridges?
Gross!

Now let's get you
on my livestream

so everyone can watch you bleed.

Ah, this feels like a big
escalation from swirlies, man.

But we graduate this year,
and so should our v*olence.

Hey, shh.

You hear that drippy drip?

That ain't no leaky faucet.

- Ah!
- Oh, it's a freaky new girl.

Guess I was wrong

about them not poo-pooing.

Nah, dude.
That's no dookie.

Freaky new girl's blossomed
into freaky new woman.

Please don't.

Say hi to the world,
Bloody Mary.

You hear what I said?

You called her Bloody Mary

'cause she's got
her period stain.

Aah, his legs!

Whoa.

I'm not a proponent of v*olence,

but that was
irrefutably cathartic.

- So...
- So...

So about that party,
is that invite still...

- Yes!
- Oh!

- Yes.
- Sweet.

- Great.
- That's great.

See you at there then.
- Cool.

Exit the building
in an orderly fashion!

I said orderly!

Mom?

Get in now.
Come on.

Here, here.

Salt your hair and burn
this photo of yourself.

What? Why?
What's happening?

Look, I'm sorry
for putting this off.

Your dad is the Devil,

and you're
his mortal conduit to Earth,

known to Bible-y types
as the Antichrist.

What the f*ck?

You got your period
and made that hole in the sky,

and now your dad knows where
to find you, so we got to go.

But you said my dad was dead.

I said not alive.
Fasten your seatbelt, honey.

And if you have any questions
about feminine hygiene,

there's a pamphlet in the
glovebox right under the g*n.

g*n?

That's one brave parakeet.

Hope he stays off Twitter.

In other news, the sky
over a local junior high

has torn open,

leaving a cosmic black void
over Middletown.

Authorities have no details

about the black hole's origin
or purpose.

But whatever it wants,

you can bet it won't

be keeping us
from Shayla Rosenblatt's

birthday after-party

at the abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike.

Access Hollywood is next.

Put him on.

The Pope.

You goofy rascal.

You answer your own phone?

The black hole has arrived.

The time has come for me
to thwart Satan's fiendish plan

by k*lling his spawn,
the Antichrist.

My forces assemble in
Middletown as we speak, and...

Someone's beeping in?

Oh, no.
Please grab it.

I'll call you
when the child is dead.

Take it all!

I liked things
the way they were.

I'm supposed to accept
that you had sex with Satan,

or anyone?

Ha, tight burn!

Fact, Chrissy,
all women were girls.

All girls make choices,
and half of those are bad.

So... so moving 14 times
in eight years wasn't for work?

No, it was so your dad
couldn't track us,

except when we left Vermont.

I cannot deal
with those f*cking hippies.

Look, I was trying to give you

some glimmer
of a normal childhood.

Okay?
- Normal?

Nothing's normal about my life!
Are you mental?

I have no friends, and
I just exploded two bullies!

Bullies?
Did they hurt you, Christina?

Because if they did,
I swear to God...

They're dead!

Okay, they're dead, yes,

but in this family,
we don't dwell on the past.

We look to the future,
and in our future,

there's an Inuit
fishing village in Alaska

that's so remote, it'll make
that ghost town in Wyoming

look like Shanghai.
- No, no, not this time.

No, I made my first friend,
and he's a boy,

and he invited me
to my first party.

And your vag*na just became

a homing device
for the Prince of Darkness.

My dad's not the one
who's been gaslighting me

my entire life.

Maybe I want him to find me.

Oh, you better choose
your next words carefully.

Come and get me, Satan!

Oh, that is
what I didn't want you to say!

We're packing, then leaving.
- Get off of me.

Oh, hey, Laur, I left
your sugar in the mailbox.

Oh, God, what do you make
of this thing, huh?

Biblical or the media?

You never know
these days, Darlene.

Yeah, you never do know, do you?

- You don't know anything...
- Let go of me!

- Until you know it.
- Get off of me!

- And then you don't...
- Come on!

- Ah!
- Come on.

- No!
- Come on.

God! Everything you ever
told me is a lie.

I lied to protect you, and
I don't regret it for a second.

The only thing
I need protection from is you.

Oh, you wouldn't last a day
in the real world without me.

You're a bitch!

And you're
an ungrateful assh*le.

Touché.

Now change your pants, sweetheart.

You banged the Devil

'cause he's the only one
who would actually go there.

Damn, that's what I should
have said to her.

We can take you away from here.

First, you must agree
to see your father.

Oh, my dad sent you?

If I agree to do that,
can I get a ride

to the abandoned Taco Chateau
on Concord Pike?

That would not be an issue.

Actually, we are not authorized

to make that promise,

but nothing is off the table.

Your father is well able
to provide.

Okay.
I agree to see my father.

- Whoa!
- I will not learn

their names,
but you can bring one...

Finished?

Almost.
Last one's silver.

No!

Damn it!

Ugh.

Aah...

No!

You're not smashing me
until you look at me.

Look at me!

Piece of sh*t.

You poser, Wiccan slut.

Now raise your hand
if you f*cked the Devil.

Now keep your hand up if
you knew this day was coming.

Now let's go smash some sh*t
that makes a difference.

- Good luck.
- Shut up, Irwin.

It appears the black hole
has stopped sucking.

Some fact-thumping
scientist said

that this hole
will suck forever.

What a f*cking joke.

Now let's rock it out tonight

at Shayla Rosenblatt's
birthday after-party!

Real estate inspector.
How about yourself?

I purge the world
of demonic forces

for the supreme pontiff
of the universal church.

Business trip?
Pleasure?

They say do what you love.

And I love nothing more
than cutting out the heart

of an adolescent girl
for monetary gain.

Swap girl with drywall
and heart with mold damage,

and we basically
have the same job.

I think her mother k*lled him.

He was the best of us,
but we must move on.

It's what would have wanted.

And she says,
"I lied to protect you."

- She sounds like a bitch.
- That's what I said.

Huh?

It's been prophesized

- since time began.
- Whoo!

And now,
they are finally united,

the dastardly duo

who will alter the universe
for the rest of time.

Come to your father, Damien.

Not getting a Damien vibe.

Huh, you're a girl.

The future is female!

I support and believe you.

Wait, hold on, you'll
like this man suit better.

Congrats
on shedding first blood!

Ew! Can everyone please stop
talking about my period?

Oh, God.
No, gross.

Did your mom tell you that?

I'm talking
about the teens you m*rder*d.

- I didn't mean to.
- Don't let other people's

moral laws make you think
what you did was wrong.

Together, you and I can
create a future without rules,

where you can
call your own sh*ts,

live the life you want to live.

Thoughts?
- Yeah, I've got thoughts.

Where have you been
my whole life?

And what do I have
that you suddenly want?

Baby, I'm not a deadbeat dad.
You were stolen.

And I couldn't find you until
you came into your powers.

There are these f*cking
cosmic laws I can't break.

That's why I'm not in hell.

- Wait, this isn't hell?
- sh*t, no.

This is the metaphysical realm.

Hmm, fancy.

Hipsters call it the Fringe,

which makes me want
to punch a hole in my face.

It's like the central hub
for all unearthly realms.

Think port authority,

but with much, much,
much more urine

and fewer b*mb threats.

So if I call the sh*ts,

does that mean I don't have
to listen to anyone?

Look at that guy.

He's got a bird head,
and he craps bubbles.

I thought that was pretty cool.

What's your name, by the way?

Christina.

Course she named you that.

And I'm like, "Oh, okay, Rhonda,

"so you're saying
a black hole's the reason

your husband's been cheating
on you for three years?"

Oh, hey, did you get in touch

with that guy
I told you about, Eric?

He's sweet and rich
and a geropsychologist.

Yeah, I'd rather fist a dog

than be in a relationship, Darlene.

Lambskin?
What are you, a druid?

You're so retro.

Oh, but that should
come in handy tonight

for Shayla Rosenblatt's
birthday after-party.

I'm bringing frosé.

Whoo, you're jacked!

Seriously, you got
the body of a convict.

Oh, and you use it for storage.

I'm going
into the metaphysical realm

to k*ll the Devil
and get my daughter,

and I need you to watch
my body while I'm gone.

- If this works...
- Oh, wow.

I'm gonna look
like I'm dead, okay?

But technically, I won't be.

If it doesn't work,
I will just look and be dead.

Jesus.
Do you know what you're doing?

Okay, but when
are you coming back?

Okay. All right.
I'll just wait here.

Ah...

Holy sh*t, that was painful.

Hey, everybody.
This is my daughter.

Kiss her ass, or
I'll slaughter your children.

- Proud of you!
- Hey, let's have a drink.

I know, now you're thinking,

is he a dad
or just a cool friend?

I was thinking
that you're trying too hard.

Is that track lighting?

We're still...
It's a work in progress.

Snake with Arms,
a round of something spicy.

Speaking of spicy,
how's your mom?

Is she still an alcoholic?
- Huh?

- She f*cked a lamp once.
- I'm not interested...

Wait, what?
- Look, she doesn't get you.

I do.
You're a teen.

You shouldn't be living
on the lam.

You should be planting roots,
doing normal teen things.

Really?
Cool, because the beast guys

you sent said you'd be down

to give me a ride
to the abandoned...

The abandoned Taco Chateau?
Blam-o!

Wow,
you're actually kind of okay.

A toast before you head out.

To my frickin' amazing daughter.

Oh, well, thanks, Dad.

To your future,

and to consenting
to join as sire and seed,

reclaiming
the infernal sovereign...

- Ah, there it is.
- What?

Your lame attempt to trap me
in your binding agreement.

Oh, no, no.
It's not lame at all.

It's called Maximus Dawnus.

And when we carry it
out together,

it'll let us fold all the realms

into one big, way more
powerful, lawless universe.

It'll be like an anarchistic
socialist utopia.

That sounds cool, right?
- Uh-huh.

Mom?

Remember me, m*therf*cker?

- How could I forget?
- Mom, how did you...

You bulked up...
In a good way, in a good way.

13 years preparing for the day

this rotting chode would make
his play and bridge our worlds.

You're welcome
for giving you a higher calling

than robotripping
in tequila-soaked tampons.

Coming from a guy who pretended

to be someone else
for six g*dd*mn months.

You gaslit the wrong bitch.

Brain sh*t.

Get it, girl.

Head smash.
- Oh, my God.

Who are you?

f*ck you.

What do you think
you're gonna do, k*ll me?

I'm not Dracula.
I'm the g*dd*mn Devil.

You got about as much chance
of laying a finger on me as...

Ow! What was that?

Oil of Abramelin

blessed by an uncircumcised
Kabbalist rabbi.

- What?
- Mom!

And if he thought that hurt,

he's gonna love this

goat's horn shoved up his d*ck!

Help! k*ll her!

Oh, what a f*cking woman.

Weren't you about
to shove something up my d*ck?

No one tells Mama what to do.

Ugh.

You're a washed-up,
desperate con artist

begging for a little girl
to sign his stupid pact

to make him feel big again.

No, no, no, no, no.
No d*ck hole.

You want to talk
about desperation?

Don't let the job of mother
go to your head.

You left your whole life
behind to raise my spawn.

- Dad, stop!
- You're nothing special.

- You're just a vessel.
- Hello?

Does anyone even hear me?

You think I felt special?

Your magic jizz ruined my life.
You're lucky I didn't k*ll it.

You're lucky
it didn't k*ll itself,

being shackled to you

- for 13 years.
- f*ck this.

Well, once she gets to know you,

I'm sure she'll jump
at the chance

to slit your wrists.

I don't bleed, bitch.

Gross-ass parents.
They don't care about me.

Well, I don't care about them.

Actually, I don't care
about anything.

A toast to my parents
for f*cking me up, huh?

That slaps.

New girl is
spicing this party up.

We love that you don't care
what anyone thinks.

Slay, honey.

Slay I shall.

Benny!
Bennigan, hey!

Chrissy!
Wow, you made it.

- Ha!
- You left so quickly

after you m*rder*d
those two bullies,

I never got a chance
to thank you.

So thank you.
- Pssh, no thanks necessary.

Totes my pleash.

I hope the rest of your day
was less expl*sive.

Yep, it was, unless you count
the expl*si*n of flavor

- in my homemade muffins.
- Oh!

But in a more literal sense,

no, it was just
that one expl*si*n.

You?
- Some ups, some downs.

You know, I just found out
my dad's not really dead.

My mom doesn't give
two shits about me.

The last 13 years of my life,

I've been a pawn in
their f*cked-up relationship.

I rode on a carriage

made from the flesh of two
mutated krakens to get here,

and I wish I was never born.

But otherwise, a great day.

Well, if I had a wish,
I'd cancel your wish

because I think it's
pretty great you were born.

Aw. Thanks, Bennigan.

- You feeling better?
- Better than better.

I'm the m*therf*cking
Antichrist!

Listen carefully, do not
leave your trash in this van.

It is a rental.

Now, let's gut this child

and wear her entrails
as a scarf.

I should have chosen
your whore sister.

Oh, f*ck.

Hold up.
Time out.

Look.

How did Chrissy
get back to Earth?

That's not the problem.
This is.

These asshats are mercenaries
hired to dispose of demons.

They're gonna k*ll Chrissy
if we don't stop them.

"We"?
f*ck you.

Let's stop measuring dicks

for our daughter's sake.

I need a cadaver, but fresh,

like between a finger twitch
and a bowel release.

Wait a minute, when we dated,

were you inside
someone's corpse?

And you had
an unfinished dolphin tattoo.

Don't be a snob.

Gerald's gonna be at that party,

and I don't care
if he just had knee surgery

'cause I'm about to hit that!

Oh, my gosh!

Well, welcome back.
You should take a shower.

You smell like rot.

Where the hell
am I gonna find a cadaver?

There's only so far
I'll go for you, Laura.

I'll see you at the party.

Okay, he better have
health insurance too

'cause I'm gonna
tear that back up.

Oh, God, watch out!

Is it, like,
cloak season or something?

Push your way to the front.

At last we meet, vile beast.

I've waited my entire career

to watch the life drain
from your hideous eyes

and put an end
to your father's plan.

- Get a real job!
- I am well paid!

I don't think you know
who you're dealing with, Chief.

Piss quick.
Your pants are on fire.

Oh, oh, oh!

Smoke if you got 'em.

Here you go, Sparky.

Fire it up, baby!

What the hell?

What is this?

And now,
the real suffering begins.

- Leave her alone!
- Bennigan.

I have a gut feeling
I'll be okay.

This party just got lame.

Deceiver, dark one,

thou shall be cast into...

Wow, sorry.

It's like, you stand here

holding the ceremonial Kn*fe
with this Antichrist...

Who gives a sh*t?

I do.

And I am your final judgment.

Why?

Comedy.

Get your hands off my daughter.

- Our daughter.
- Oh, great.

My parents are here.

Hi, honey. I'm a chicken now.

Ow!

Aah!

Oh!

I'm bleeding, I'm bleeding.

Really, that's all you got?

I made a dozen guys
sh**t their dicks off.

And one vag*na!

Whoo!

Now, we're having fun.

We're like The Incredibles
but gross.

With my last breath, let...

I will get my revenge.
You shall pay!

Has anyone seen
the tip of my d*ck?

If my parents
ever show up to a party,

m*rder me with a Kn*fe.

What is middle school

but Sisyphus pretending
to love the boulder?

See you at the bottom
of the hill tomorrow, new girl.

- That was so deep.
- My sister had Sisyphus.

See you tomorrow!

Boy, did we have
a meet-weird, right?

Like it was a meet-cute,

but it was weird
'cause of all the carnage!

Chrissy, are you hurt?

Don't worry. Daddy's here.

Oh, I'll show you
what I do to Daddy.

Just f*cking stop it!

This was the worst day
of my life,

and it was because of you two
self-centered assholes.

If you want your sire and seed
or whatever

and you actually
want a daughter,

know that
I'm calling the sh*ts now.

Got it?
Got it?

- Yeah, got it. Cool your jets.
- Yeah, fine. We got it.

Mom, I'm going
to school tomorrow.

No more running.

And, Dad, I don't trust you,

but I want to get to know you,
but slowly,

like every other weekend.

Every other?
That's a little weak.

God damn it!

We got time to negotiate.

Now, who wants pancakes?

Well,
now you've met your father.

No, not yet.

Her mother's stronger
than I thought.

But hey, who cares?

My daughter's
gonna join me soon,

and then I'll be top sh*t
for eternity.

But I just got
to be patient, you know?

And I'm a patient guy.

I wrote the book on patience.

Got all the time in the world.

Just wanted to let you know
that I left some sanitary pads

near where the bathroom sink
used to be.

Oh, and hey, that thing I said
about my life being ruined,

I was a mess before I had you.

That's sort of how I had you,

so yeah,
you didn't ruin anything.

You made me better, okay?

I love you. Night.

My little baby girl
is all grown up.

Time for Mama to grow up too.

No more running.

I never thought I'd hear

the Laura Feinberg
say those words.

Oh, it is creepy
when you come out

of the shadows like that, Irwin.

I don't control
the lighting in here.

- You do.
- You know,

maybe Mama wasn't running
from the Devil.

Maybe Mama was running
from being a real mama.

Uh, okay.

So if Mama's not running,
what's next on the docket?

I don't know.

What do people do
in the suburbs anyway, huh?

Rake leaves?
Start book clubs?

Walk into the ocean
and drown themselves?

I mean...

Hey.
You want to watch Con Air?

You read Mama's mind.