01x02 - Possession Obsession

[bunniefuu]

Divina virtute,
in infernum detrude!

Divina virtute,
in infernum detrude!

Oh, God, please save our boy!

Cunning serpent,
you shall no more

dare deceive...
- Dare deceive the human race.

Boring me over here,
Father Cleare.

Eat a d*ck.

Get out of him,
you son of a bitch!

Now!

Daddy?

Aw, that's actually
kind of sweet.

Well, that's it, possession 101.

Okay, you ready?
- I think so.

When I'm inside,
which button do I press

to make him kiss the priest?

Just visualize yourself
going into him,

then bend your knees,
clench your butt cheeks,

open your mouth, and whoosh.

Go on. You got this.

All right.
Let's rock this possesh!

Get inside that little boy.

We can start over.

We can forgive?

Hello?
Is... can anyone hear me?

Oh, I'm doing it.

Pee pee poo poo.

The serpent has returned!

I'll k*ll you, you bastard!

Okay, bye!

You little m*therf*cker!

Die, you piece of sh*t.
- Ow! Daddy, stop.

The um...
The demon must be in me now.

Whoo! That kid smelled
like a garbage truck,

but I loved it.

It takes demons years
to mimic a human's voice.

You did it on your first try.

I want to possess a baby horse

when it's being birthed.

- You could.
- Or a movie star

- and do a car chase scene.
- Why not?

Or a sex scene
with Regé-Jean Page.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I know this sh*t's a rush,
but you gotta pace yourself.

Come on, let's go home.

Step on me.
- Okay.

You go, girl!

Thank you, thank you.
You're too much.

She's a natural.

Aw, come on.

Custody weekend's over already?

Awesome time as always, Daddy-o.

And next time, I'll teach you
how to turn stuff into spiders.

Pregnant spiders!

- Bye, human girl.
- Bye. Goodbye, now.

Couple more visitations
with my girl,

and she'll be begging to ditch
her mom to live with me.

Then zip, zap, zop,
I'll be back on top, baby.

Let's get this party started.

Oh, sh*t.

Thought it was gonna
be balloons.

Well, don't let the weapons
go to waste.

Start k*lling each other.

Hey, tell the foreman
if his son looks at me again,

I will sh**t him
with my nail g*n.

When I yell fart, you yell face!

Fart!
- Face!

- Fart!
- Face!

- Pee pee poo poo.
- Now, this is content.

Okay? Looks great.
- Ugh, God.

- See you tomorrow, Bill.
- It's fun!

Christina! Dinner! Now!

Well, someone's
extra vinegary today.

I control
your bowel movements, Erwin.

Keep making that f*cking salad.
- Ooh.

Chrissy's weekend
with her father

is getting to you, I see.

Look what he's got her doing.

I-it's devil
in "The Exorcist" sh*t.

He's turning my daughter
into an evil cliché.

And you're turning into a cliché

of a jealous ex.
- Chrissy!

I will not say it again!

Get back
in your vacant corpse now!

Hey, Laur,
don't you just love it?

Whoo!
Makes you work up a sweat.

I might go for a jog
as a deer later.

Animals are more difficult,
but Dad says I'm a natural.

- You look thirsty.
- Congrats, honey.

Soon you'll be butchering
the clergy.

Just because I'm having fun
with Dad doesn't mean

you have to lash out.
Don't be jelly.

I'm looking out, honey.

I know your dad's endgame...

To win you over
so he can use your power

to turn the universe
into his hellscape.

Duh. What you don't get
is I'm actually using him.

I know exactly what I'm doing.

Oh, Jesus Christ, Chrissy.
No, you don't.

You have evil in your DNA.

Hey, come on,
you're not that bad.

You keep doing
what you're doing,

that evil will spread in you

and the normal life
you said you wanted...

Friends, school, homecoming,
sleepovers... gone.

You'll be a soulless shell
of a human and become...

Honestly, like, a successful
CEO in all likelihood.

So, what, I should just suppress

an entire side of myself?

You're not Billy Elliot.
You're the Antichrist.

Don't suppress.

Be more conscious
of your choices.

Maybe use your powers
to do some good.

I just wanted to make
the mailman fart!

That went well.

No tests today.

And if you see Chrissy,

tell her that she has
a really cool,

normal-sized forehead.

That's what I want.

And, uh, pee pee poo poo.

"Pee pee poo poo"
is my catchphrase.

That could be
our generation's "Got Milk?"

So what's it feel like
being in someone?

Each body's different.

Right now it's acid reflux
and a deep longing

for someone named Pablo.

- Mm.
- Hmm.

Like,
how is this evil, you know?

Don't you think it's shady

to secretly enter
people's bodies

without their consent?

No, I'm just entering them
real quick.

- Right, sure...
- I mean,

I'm just having fun with people
inside them.

No... well, it's not like
they'll remember it.

Oh, God, I feel like an assh*le.

So what should I do?

Should I stop using
possession all together?

Or, ugh,
maybe my mom has a point

about using it for good?

I mean,
if you're possessing people

for moral reasons,

like to help them
make better choices,

that would be...
- Then I can possess my cake

and eat it too.

Can you actually possess a cake?

Don't you f*cking touch that!

No gluten-free options?
You're a fascist.

I'll rip out your heart
and make you eat it.

- Oh, sh*t. Oh, no!
- Yeah, get him!

Ooh.

It was always gonna end
this way.

Now's your chance.

Get that cake!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Wait, wait, wait!

Uh, I, uh...

I-I-I don't dislike
your cooking.

It's me that I dislike.

Way past that point, assh*le.

What the f*ck just happened?

I-I'm sorry for taking

your criticism personally.

This is all I have in my life.

- I love you.
- Aw.

What the fu...

Yes, and I love you too.

Ew.

Yes, and, uh, I'm your mother.

Yes,
and now everything makes sense.

Let's never fight again, Mommy.

Oh, okay.

- Pee pee...
- Poo poo.

What the f*ck is wrong
with everybody here?

Holy sh*t.
That actually felt great.

You're kind of like a superhero.

Nah, I'm just your friendly,
neighborhood Antichrist.

Come back here.
I want to chop you up.

- You'll never catch me!
- Okay, Snake with Arms,

any word yet from Jerrup
and The Cootie Realm

swearing fealty to me?

Are you shittin' me?

I'm about to bring
the hammer down

on time and space,

and they're dragging their feet

on kissing my ass?

All right.

Let's head over there and boil
their firstborns alive.

Ta-da!

Hi.

Look who's here. Asmodeus.

Yes! The Grand Demon
of Possessión.

Dark Lord of Ulrich.

King of all the...
- King douche of Crapstown.

Population, you.

Roasted.

This guy used to work for me.

Uh, I possessed
hundreds of thousands of humans

in service of him, okay,

inciting a myriad
of fratricides, holocausts...

Why are you here, Azzy?

You need some cash?
I'm flat out.

Last eve whilst soul-hopping
on the corporeal plane,

what did I behold?

Satan educating his demon semen
in the art of possessión.

Thus here I am
to make good on our deal.

I got lots of deals going on.

What deal are we talking about?

Our contract stated that
once the Antichrist arrives,

I would be at the helm
of Maximus Dawnus with you

in exchange
for everything in my name.

And so I relinquished to you

my wife, my land,
my thousands of children.

Now, the Antichrist has arrived.

Oh, yeah.
That contract wasn't real.

- Mm. What?
- I made it all up.

Pretty good, eh?

Well, but my lawyer was present.

- You mean this lawyer?
- Ay.

Rhett, there you are.
Satan here is trying...

I created him.

Wh-what?

But I knew him
for thousands of years.

We wrote a series

of best-selling mystery
novels together.

Yeah, it's called a long con.

- I gave you my family.
- And I got rid of them.

If I had to hear
one more boring story

from that yak farmer
you call a wife...

We were to ride the ashen skies

and rule the realms together.

There was never a "we."

I will be with my daughter,
you dumb f*ck.

Aw, I'm a bad widdle boy.

Unhand me, you cretin.

I'll get my revenge, Satan.
You'll see!

You'll all... aah!

Now, let's go boil the babies

while their heads are
still soft.

We're through, Jason.

I'm a person, not an appendage.

- Yeah, Camry.
- Good for you, girl.

That's what I'm talking about.

I'm an ally.

Let's go unionize
the guidance counselors.

I'm late for band.
But maybe I can come over

after my family bike ride
after school

and we can help people
around town?

Like community service?

Oh, my God, I'm in!

If I wanted to hear
about your problems, Sharon,

I would have became a therapist
not a librarian.

One more helping won't hurt.

Just kidding. I'm all ears.

Lunch is on me.

Let's kick this hero sh*t
in high gear.

Whoa. Whoo-hoo!

Hello, Middletown.

I am here to help.

Pee pee poo poo, y'all!

Bonjour, Antichrist.

Now, let's find
the gates of Tartarus

and begin Maximus Dawnus
on our own.

God damn it.

Chrissy, come on.

If Tawnee's mom honks again,
I will make Tawnee an orphan.

Look, I'm sorry
I was harsh before.

It is my job
to look out for you.

And yeah, sometimes I can be
a bit hyperbolic.

But no harm, no foul,

and I'm good to move on
if you are.

- Yes.
- Really?

Yes.

I love you, honey.

And I love you, Mommy.

There's a demon
inside my daughter,

and I know
it's that shitstain's fault.

So when he gets back,
why don't you tell him

he's lost visitation rights
to everything but my katana?

Don't mean to interrupt,

but evil Chrissy just caught
a bird and ate it.

Single motherhood is tough,
ain't it?

Blast these inferior
human tools.

We gotta get this demon
out of Chrissy

before it does harm to her body.

And then I need to find
her soul, wherever that is.

Oh, we're gonna hustle
the demon.

A little "Color of Money" game.
I like it.

This is a Soul Stang, Darlene.

It knocks souls out of bodies

with the speed and strength
of a Shinkansen b*llet train.

I push, you catch.

Ooh, just like
at my sister's home birth.

For the record,
I only dropped the baby

because the blood made her
so slippery.

Caught the placenta, though.

The jar is charged
with a binding spell.

So once the demon
is in the lizard...

Hello, Mommy.

Hello, my wonderful daughter.

Can we drive
to these coordinates?

Funch's Diner
in Kalamazoo, Michigan?

It's not where
the gates of Tartarus

are located or anything.

It's...

For Earth history project.

We sure can, darling.

Better go put your head
in that bucket of water

for 30 seconds,
because as we both know,

that's what human girls do
before a road trip!

Yes.
We both know this very well.

Yello.

I can just come back
in ten, if...

Stay back!

Oh, whoops.

Very clever, Chère-Mere.

It appears the jig
that was once down...

Is now up.

What did you do
with my daughter's soul?

Hello? Who am I in?

Oh, are you kidding me?

I could squat all day
with these knees.

Uh, this feels problematic.

Hey, please be careful
with my body.

I'm more flexible
than I am strong.

A dangerous combination.

You know what would have been
good for the ride home?

Burgers.

Oh, it would have been yum yum.

What now, buzzkill?

That sick bastard.

Looks like Daddy's
gotta save his girl.

Ew, I got this weird feeling.

What is that? Concern?

Think I need to take a sh*t.

And so I, Mr. Robber,

have learned the error
of my ways.

Uh, thank... thank you?

Whoo, I'm about to possess

the hell out of my bed.

Good work.
Time to go home.

I am upset!

I'm coming, my children.

- We need answers, Mayor.
- Do something.

Come on, everyone.

You didn't elect me
to "answer your questions."

Friends, compatriots.

Talk to me.
Tell me what ails you.

Today I was minding my business,

when all of a sudden I helped
my disabled neighbor, Craig,

get his cat out of a tree.

I remember you!

Uh, the mayor
remembers everyone.

What a kind deed.
- Kind my ass.

I would never do that for Craig.

He slept with my wife.

Oh.

I'm sure Craig saw your kindness

and was inspired to be
a better man.

Uh, Craig here.
Yeah, I saw it

as acceptance
of me sleeping with his wife,

- so I slept with her again.
- Okay, sir,

that doesn't add up at all.

I threw my trash in the garbage.

I would never do that.

That's what Big Trash
wants us to do.

Space aliens must have
put chips in us.

- We're in "The Matrix."
- Birds are manipulating

- our thoughts.
- I can't remember

why I'm upset.

Stop it!

I helped you all
to make better choices,

become better yous,
and this is how you act?

Don't you see you're all
just scared of change?

Suck my ass!

Suck my ass,
you ungrateful turds!

None of you deserved my help.

It's him.

The government's controlling us.

Down with the mayor!

Hey, let's b*at him up.

- b*at him up!
- Down with the mayor!

I'm naked.

Aah!

Not down with the mayor!

Whoa, what's happening?

Hey, let's b*at him up!

b*at him up!

Don't b*at him up!

I got this truck stacked
with wicker chairs.

Let's burn him alive!

Ooh, driving
without my lumbar pillow

and I still feel great.

Chrissy? Chrissy?

Is that you?
Oh, f*ck you.

Miss Feinberg,
can we please switch back soon?

I feel weird
being inside your daughter.

Hands where I can see them.

Oh, God, no.
I didn't mean that.

This would all be easier,
dickhead, if you told me

where you left
my daughter's soul.

If you unhand me now,

I shall spare you
when I reinhabit your daughter

and carry out Maximus Dawnus
on my own.

And I will be
the ultimate ruler!

And Satan, the prick,
will be ultimate drooler.

Hey, Laur, this guy's
got beef with Satan too.

You should get some margs
and talk it out.

Aah!

Plug up your brain holes.

The mayor's trying
to get in there.

Where the f*ck
did you come from?

Guys, please stop.

Ooh, what is this?
A flash mob?

I'm into it.
- What the f*ck is this?

Your daughter.

That-that doesn't make
any sense.

Oh, it's soul mitosis.

Her soul's overexerted
from splitting

into too many host bodies.

She's lost control.

And soon her soul
will be spread so thin,

she'll be lost forever.

This is all her father's fault.

If he didn't push her
like he always does...

Um, Miss Feinberg,
from your suggestion,

she used her powers for good.

Looks like she got
a little carried away?

So what... ugh!

Get your trash soul

out of my daughter, Azzy.

Satan? You idiot.

That wasn't Azzy.
That was Bennigan.

And now you got me into
this soul-swapping horseshit.

What the hell is a Bennigan?

A good friend
of your daughter's,

Mr. Chrissy's dad.
She didn't mention me?

That's fine.
- That's Azzy in my body.

I'm Darlene in Bennigan's body.

Oh, I'm not Azzy.
That's Azzy.

- The f*ck?
- Wait, now I'm confused.

Everybody shut up.

I'm sick of this
"Freaky Friday" bull...

That fixes it.

What the hell did you do?

Azzy ran off with Chrissy.

I don't know who's who.

I'm going after her soul.
You get her body.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down.

How's it feel?
Not bad, huh?

I feel a little like Beyoncé,

but also a little incontinent.

Welcome to the duality of me,
little buddy.

Chrissy?

Mom?

Yes, sweetie. I'm here.

Mom, you were right.

Even when I try to do good,
it turns bad.

I'm evil.
- No, Chrissy.

I shouldn't have said
you'd turn evil.

I've just felt overwhelmed
by your dad being in your life,

so I tried to control you
and I messed up.

Mom!

Something's wrong.

Huh?

- Where am I?
- How did I get here?

Chrissy?
Chrissy, answer me!

Chrissy, you are still inside
of these people.

You need to get out now.

She's in cahoots with
the spirits controlling us.

- k*ll her!
- She's a witch!

Well, yeah, technically,
but not in the way you mean.

Witch! Witch!

Now,
Delaware Transit Conglomerate,

show me the route
to the Kalamazoo

and the gates of Tartarus!

Take Route 301,
straight up your ass.

Satan, ha ha.

Today is the day you'll rue
taking everything from me.

I don't rue sh*t.

Get out of my daughter, you bum.

Aah!

En garde.

I'll do it, man!

- Whoa.
- I swear I'll do it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
- Oh, I'll do it.

Azzy, Azzy.

Put the g*n down.

This isn't about her.
It's about us.

I-I know I made mistakes, Azzy.

I shouldn't have made
that deal with you

unless I intended
to follow through on it.

I get now what you sacrificed.

Family, it's the one thing
that matters.

Oh.

But I have a family

and you don't anymore.

What? No!

Being a dad sure is something.

Guess it was concern
and taking a sh*t.

Ugh, this is the one way

I didn't want to die.

Chrissy, there's nothing
I'd love more

than to m*rder all these people,

but I know
you're still in there.

You need to fight!

You can't be gone.
No!

You can't be!

You are not gone.

Pee pee poo poo.

Oh.

- Pee pee poo poo.
- Pee pee poo poo.

Pee pee poo poo.

Pee pee poo poo!

- Pee pee poo poo, yeah.
- Pee pee poo poo.

That's it, baby, come on.

Pee pee poo poo.

Come on, baby.
Pee pee poo poo.

Pee pee poo poo!

Looking for this sack of skin?

Blammo!

- Mom?
- Chrissy!

- There's my girl.
- You're okay.

Oh, God, what did I do?
I really lost myself.

Aw, don't be so hard
on yourself.

I've done that plenty of times.

You had your first soul binge.

And she's had her last.

She doesn't need
your emotional support.

I've been doing this alone
for 13 years.

Oh, wait,
so you're a single mom?

- Yeah, I am.
- Can we...

Can we just go home?
- And y-you know what?

Just get everyone back
in their bodies, okay?

I-I can't take a second more

of this f*cking
soul-swapping bullshit.

So we're square, right?

Dinner in two weeks
at my favorite spot,

The Ground Round.

I'm buying.

Aw, I'll miss you,
my little friend.

And I you, me.

So an entire store
for just wicker furniture.

How are they even in business?

It's gotta be a drug front.

Hey, you're not still
b*ating yourself up, are you?

What? No.
Mom, I'm good.

This is all part of growing up.

And I'm proud of you for trying
to do the right thing.

So now you know
what not to do, right?

Yeah, yeah.
You live and you learn.

I get it.
Seriously, I'm totally okay.

All right, then. Coolio.

Hey, I was thinking,

maybe you should join
a club at school.

You know? Or maybe start one.

Something for charity?

Or... or a recycling club?

I don't know, it just...
It might be nice

for you to do some real good.

Yeah?