- Contrary to popular belief,
the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo
wasn't r*cist.
It was racial.
There's a difference.
Mr. Aquino,
passing notes and giggling?
Not on my watch.
"Could the postcolonial
reconstruction
of the American Southwest
be any cooler?"
How dare you be sarcastic
with me!
- Mr. Wallace, it's sincere.
I'm that nerdy.
- How's this for sincere?
Extra reading tonight.
On Julius and Ethel Rosenberg.
Oh, man!
Dissect the Rosenbergs' timeline
and see how it lines up
with the show The Americans.
Passing notes
is a slippery slope.
Hi, Teach.
You bored me to death!
- Oh, God! Ahh!
Oh, God! Ahh! Oh, God.
- Oh, my God.
That was so cool.
- I'm your sub, Mr. Boner,
and I'm hard for history.
- I don't...
I don't deserve to die.
Oh, God! Oh, God!
- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.
- We still good to try that new
WWE-themed ice cream place,
Stone Cold Creamery?
- Gimme a hell yeah!
Hey. Chrissy, right?
Arabella, don't hurt us!
One of us could be the person
to solve global warming.
- You know my name?
- That skeleton thing you did
was so dank.
Like, such a subversion
of Western hegemony.
- Oh, yeah, that's, uh,
my least favorite kind
of hegemony.
- We're protesting fast fashion
at Camry's later.
You should come.
- Uh, yeah.
Okay, I'll be there.
- TTYL, Chrissy.
We have to stop at Forever 21.
- I'm gonna hang out with
Arabella and her friends today?
- Sure, she's popular,
but what's the big deal?
- They're somebody.
People remember their names.
They're not just "new girl."
Oh, God.
What do I wear
to protest fast fashion?
What's slow? A turtleneck?
- You mean after we get
ice cream, right?
The flavors will put you
in a suplex.
- Cool if we reschedule?
- Totally.
- TTYL.
LOL, NP...
if "LOL, NP" stood for
"Losing one's laughter.
Nihilism, pain."
- So, uh, don't forget it's our
weekly deer skinning tonight.
Gonna show you how to remove
soft tissue from the hide.
- Ugh, vom.
Okay,
can you just put down that book
and eat your breakfast?
- It's the novelization
of Parasite.
And breakfast
is a social construct.
- Last week, you wanted
dinosaur-shaped pancakes,
and now you're protesting
the idea of breakfast?
Got it.
Some of us are interested
in growth,
not just being a shill.
- I literally support anarchy.
- That outfit is anarchy.
- All right, Chrissy,
what has gotten into you?
- Stop calling me that.
My girlfriends call me
Skelli-Trash Bride.
- Wait a minute... you don't have
any friends that are girls.
- I have more of a life outside
of this house than you think.
- Coming from the girl who took
Erwin to the fall dance?
- I'm right here.
- Whatever!
I'm gonna be late. Bye.
- Wait a minute.
Who is driving you to school?
Are they old enough?
- My friend Camry.
And she repeated eighth grade
three times, so yeah.
- Maybe your new friends
like your shitty attitude,
but I don't.
Don't touch me.
I wanna hang out
with people my own age,
not skin deer with some
ancient, dried out hag.
- Oh, by the way, Chrissy took
one of your Wiccan tools
earlier.
- What?
Why the f*ck didn't you say
something sooner?
- Maybe don't sh*t on me
for being someone's
fall dance date.
- That little f*cking brat.
And where does she get off
calling me a hag?
I am 34.
Thank you very much.
Haruch vas divinite!
- Hey, Laura, I'm joining
a rec softball team.
You in? Oh, God. What's this?
- I'm borrowing youth
from this baby.
- So you're taking
this hag thing hard, huh?
- Chrissy took a Wiccan tool
that can conjure
the darkest evils,
and it's all because of those
popular girls.
She's only listening to them,
so I have to transform myself
into an actual tween
to get through to her.
- Oh.
Well, when you put it like that,
this kidnapping
is actually cool and normal.
- Oh, grow up.
They're in a state
of deep slumber.
They might as well be
in a spa right now.
This is gonna be painful for me.
Lock the garage door.
No matter how much I beg you,
do not open it.
- All right, but later,
I get to do one weird thing
in the garage.
Oh, Jesus f*cking Christ!
Erwin, this wasn't worth it!
I'll Let Chrissy die!
Please open the garage!
- Would it k*ll you to smile?
I promised Chrissy a weekend
of gambling and smoking cigars.
Ah, hold up, hold up.
I'm getting a text.
- "Hey, Dad.
"Can't make this weekend.
Have a crazy school project."
Grimacing emoji.
"Working at Bennigan's." What?
I'm being upstaged
by the f*cking yo-yo kid?
Son of a bitch, pulling the ol'
"school project" routine on me?
It's code for butt stuff.
Snake with Arms, cadaver.
Oh, God!
I k*lled an armadillo!
f*cking stairs...
All right, you sick f*ck.
- Ahh! Zombie armadillo!
- It's me, the Devil,
in a dead armadillo.
- Wait, what do you want
from me?
Are... are we friends now?
- Where is she?
I heard about your
"school project," perv.
Your pee-pee's getting
the guillotine.
- I guess that was her cover.
I haven't seen Chrissy in days.
Ever since she got popular.
- What the f...
When did this happen?
Tell me everything you know,
now!
- This week! What's wrong?
- Popular people
are a menace to society.
And this is me talking.
I've seen this crap play out
for hundreds of years.
First, she's popular
in middle school.
Then she joins a middle tier
sorority in college.
Before you know it,
she's married
to some d*ck-nose named Trent
who works in mergers
and acquisitions.
She'll be so wrapped up
in that kind of sh*t,
she'll lose sight of what's
really important in life.
- Her real friends...
- Universal supremacy!
- There's gotta be something
we can do, right?
- Nah. We can't do sh*t.
Chrissy's popular now.
She won't listen to anyone
except...
a more popular kid.
- You're gonna possess someone
more popular and get her back?
- You kidding? If I possess,
Chrissy will sniff me out.
I got it! You.
- What?
- Only you can help her.
- No, no, no.
I can't become popular.
I'm more of a wallflower.
- Not just popular,
the kind of kid she doesn't use
as a cover story.
Plus, she seems to like you.
Or she did, at least.
- You know what?
Let's make me
the coolest gosh-darn kid
this town has ever seen.
- Now you're talkin', Benny!
- All right, Laura.
You're wiser and hotter
than these morons.
I'll have Chrissy back
before lunch.
Just a reminder,
Principal Dawkins
is holding a safety assembly
in the theater this afternoon
on the new dangers
of teenager-ness.
Attendance is mandatory.
- Hi. Where can I find
Chrissy Feinberg?
I'm her lab partner.
- Why don't you just text her?
- Uh, because cell phones
are brain poison.
Read a book, you dumb idiot.
- Whoa, uncool.
Weaponizing intelligence?
Not a behavior
I wanna see normalized.
- Are you all right?
- I just feel so gaslit.
- Get away from us,
toxic new girl.
- Aw, wait, come on, come on.
I... I didn't mean...
Wait a minute,
why do I give a sh*t?
Stupid f*ckin' teen spell,
making me all hormonal
and emotional.
- You vape?
- Sometimes.
- You know
it gives you popcorn lung.
- What are you, my mom?
- Uh, me? No...
I'm Abigail Carter-Lange,
new in town,
no discernible past,
so don't bother looking me up.
- Okay?
- So what's the haps, huh?
Where do the, uh, cool kids go
to let loose
and play with
otherworldly artifacts?
- Are you confused?
- Is toxic new girl
bothering you?
- No, she just, like...
- Who made those braces, Amtrak?
- Those shoes should come
with a Content Warning.
- Let's leave
before toxic new girl
tries to red-pill us.
- Well, who made your shoes,
huh?
Amtrak?
Damn it.
- "Slimm Timm"?
Who the hell is Slimm Timm?
- All right, first step
in making you cool as sh*t
was getting you
this cool-as-sh*t hat.
- I will agree with you, sir,
on this.
This hat is super cool.
- Keep it on.
I'm gonna pull your hair
to control you.
- Ooh, like Ratatouille.
- If you don't shut up, you're
gonna f*ck up my whole plan.
- Oh, and... and what is
your plan, sir?
- Let's just say
you're about to look
like the biggest badass
in middle school history.
Now mush.
- Whoa, wait. H-how?
- I started a credible rumor
that you're banging
the hottest teacher in school.
- Wait. You what?
- Miss Rainy,
you are utterly depraved!
How could you?
- Principal Dawkins,
I swear those photos
aren't real.
Bennigan, please.
Tell the truth.
- Of course. The truth is...
That I nailed Ms. Rainy
in ways that would make God cry.
Oh, God.
- Please, no! Please, no!
- That is so messed up.
- She was my favorite teacher,
and now she's a perv.
I don't get it.
Why aren't people
worshipping you?
- You told people
that I slept with a teacher.
- That's cool.
- That's not cool!
It's a heinous crime!
Poor Miss Rainy.
What are they gonna do to her?
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.
All press is good press.
As long as people are talking.
"Slimm Timm."
W-w-w-w-w-wowy kazowee,
shizbags!
Aye! Aye!
Kamerickle Spurkles
with all the latest tea
on the cray and creepy.
Hold onto yer tables
and piss on this!
Slimm Timm.
Teens across the world
posted stories
of a slender man
who roams the globe
in search of young hearts
to devour.
- How the hell
don't I know this freak?
It's my whole thing.
The more you believe in him,
the more real he becomes.
- A tulpa. f*ck. Of course.
Acolytes will often offer him
their weakest member in exchange
for his eternal love
and admiration.
Don't forget to smash Subscribe
for more sick vids
and dank memes.
- Those b*tches
are gonna sacrifice Chrissy.
Hey, you, where in this school
do kids go to do dark sh*t, huh?
Tell me now. Come on.
- That depends
who you're referring to.
Manga girls read guro
under the bleachers.
Then you got the art kids,
total smackheads.
- Okay, okay. Well,
what about the popular girls?
- Always something new
with them.
Just look at their ShitSta page.
They'll post
all their dark sh*t there.
The f*ck is...
Look, if that's some
social media bullshit,
there's no way
Chrissy has one of those.
- Chrissy Feinberg?
Uh, yes, she does.
Her page is growing in numbers
as we speak.
Climbing to the top ten
student body influencers
in just under three days, and...
- Save it for your podcast,
loser, and show me.
She likes free jazz?
Since when?
- Hey, guys, sorry
I haven't posted in forever.
Laura's been sucking the life
out of me.
Can't wait to get
out of the hag's prison
and into my happy place,
hangin' with my girlies.
Hey, where is this?
-The old boiler room.
It's the tragic and haunted site
where they take kids
to get bullied.
Nearly 40 years ago,
they went too far...
- Oh, my God, I'm gonna turn
your ribcage into a lampshade.
Shut up and tell me
where the f*ck it is.
Look, I want to get popular
and talk some sense into Chrissy
just as much as you do, sir...
- Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.
- But we can't hurt anyone.
Deal?
- This idea's harmless.
See those cool kids over
there cutting class?
- Yeah.
- We're gonna
do one of those viral pranks
that kids love to make you look
like a f*ckin' stud.
- Okay.
And we're gonna do this by...
- On my signal,
a team of Beast Guards
are gonna b*at the sh*t
out of that cool kid.
I mean, really decimate the guy.
Then I figure you jump out,
strip to your undies,
dive into a kiddie pool
of tapioca pudding,
and you will yell "swag"
or "kazooie."
- Wha... no!
H-how is that a prank to you?
b*ating someone
within an inch of their life?
- Holy sh*t, kid.
You are f*ckin' hopeless.
First, it's, "Ew, sex
with teachers is a crime."
- It is.
- Now you're against pranks.
- This isn't the '80s,
Mr. Satan, sir, okay?
Why can't we just get popular
by being like a decent person?
- All right,
you don't wanna listen to me?
Try it. Be decent.
Let's watch you
crash and burn, dipshit.
- Fine. Respectfully, I will.
- What do you want?
We're ditching class.
b*at it.
- Hey, I've been there.
Skipping class
is just a way to say,
"Hey. I'm so, so scared,
and in my life, this is
the one thing I can control."
But Brian, hey.
Look at me, bud. Look at me.
You. Are. Valid.
I'm so afraid of the future.
Sometimes I feel invisible,
and this is the only way
I feel seen.
- Shh, shh, shh. I gotcha.
Ol' Benny Boy Superstar's
gotcha.
- You are the single
coolest kid I've ever met.
Welcome, king.
Yeah! No, he is cool.
Emotional maturity is the tits.
- Holy sh*t.
- That worked? That worked!
I never thought to just talk
to the popular people.
- Big deal, "kazooie" would've
accomplished the same thing,
but with more sex appeal.
Now for phase two.
You ever see someone
and think, man,
that looks just like
the child version
of somebody I used to nail?
- I... I never thought that.
Skelli-Trash Bride, hurry up
and sit your sacrificial ass
on that pentagram.
- You got it...
- Bish.
- You don't call her bish!
- Sorry. Sage Dragomire.
- I can't believe she chose
dungeons and dipshits over me.
- And as your principal,
I am obligated to speak up
about the latest trend
I'm seeing,
worshipping the occult.
You are not
"the daughters of the witches
they could not burn," all right?
- You're 12.
- Whoo-ey.
Wow, popularity
really is a trip.
So what's the plan?
Do I pull Chrissy aside
and we do a heart-to-heart
about how, popular or not,
true friends will...
- No, no.
Get up on stage
and read this speech I wrote.
- "Friends,
as the new popular kid,
"I must warn you
about the scourge
"that is Chrissy Feinberg.
"Her impression
of Charles Barkley
is the most r*cist thing
I've ever seen"?
Wait, wait, no.
You want to cancel
your own daughter?
- It's for her own good.
- But what about being kind?
That's how we got cool
in the first place.
- I did opiates with Rasputin.
Don't lecture me about "cool."
Now get up there
and read the damn speech.
- She'll be a pariah.
- Good.
All the more reason for her
to ditch the mortal bullshit
and make chaos reign with me.
- Wow.
You're so insecure that she
has other people in her life
you'd rather
she be totally alone.
Which means I make you insecure
because I have
a real connection with her,
and you don't.
- You little f*ckin'...
All right, all right. Look.
I'm not gonna mince words here.
Read the speech, or I'll m*rder
your whole family.
Hey, everybody.
The new cool kid Bennigan
should give a speech.
Speech! Speech!
- Oh, Slimm Timm, hear my plea.
We call you forth
as witches three.
With tainted blood,
we sacrifice,
to hear your call
as cold as ice.
Please accept this mortal coil,
bone to dust, and soul to soil.
Deus mar varicht.
Deus mar varicht.
- Ugh!
God, these girls are amateurs.
Deus mar varicht.
Oh, sh*t, it's working.
Yippee-ki-yi-yay...
Here I come.
Here comes Slimm Timm.
Tumm Timmy Tumm.
I can growl too, bitch.
Whoa! Hey.
- Hey, guys.
Crazy seeing you all round here.
Got lost
looking for the bathroom.
Whazzup?
- What the...
Where is he, Chrissy?
It didn't work.
We rehearsed
your fake sacrifice all week.
- Fake?
- You said
your Wiccan tools could help us
summon Slimm Timm
so we could finally
hold him accountable
for all those young girls
he preyed on.
- I know, I'm sorry.
I-I used my powers
to make me look half-dead.
It should have lured him to me.
- The only thing it lured
was that toxic new girl.
What a waste.
See you never, Chrissy.
Hey.
So Arabella ditched you, huh?
I guess she really sucks.
- Sorry, who are you?
- Abigail, from earlier?
- I just wanna be alone
right now.
And I'm the one that sucks.
I screwed up.
- That's not true.
Plus, who cares what they think?
I thought I raised you... I...
I thought you'd be cooler
than trying to impress bullies.
Maybe this sounds stupid,
but I moved around so much
growing up
that I never had girlfriends
my own age.
So I guess when they noticed me,
it felt like it might be my
only chance to have friends.
See ya.
I really am a f*ckin' hag.
Store-bought cloves? Come on.
No one even bothers to forage
their own sh*t anymore.
Bunch of posers.
It's like, are we trying
to be real witches
or make a f*cking pie?
Hmm?
-Oh, f*ck.
Where the hell did he go?
f*ck. f*ck. Chrissy!
- Uh... what's up, guys?
We love you, Bennigan!
- Hmm. I... I just, uh...
wanted to say...
Stay on the script, you...
- I... I...
Think about your mother.
Think about your father.
I'm gonna k*ll your family.
- I can't do it.
- Ah!
- Can't do what?
- I've had a crazy 48.
I used to think
I was a pretty good person,
that I used to be someone
who cared about his friends.
I was ready to throw
that all away.
Well, I'm done being a pushover.
I'm done lying.
You just revealed an armadillo.
Yeah, that doesn't
mean anything to us.
- I'm done taking orders
from you.
I'd rather Chrissy blow me off
until the end of time
than say those mean things.
- Huh.
What are you gonna do, twerp?
You're still the same
nerdy bitch, Bennigan.
- Oh, yeah? Well, you forgot
the most important part
of being a nerd.
- What's that?
- Always carry
a writing utensil.
Armadillo m*rder*r!
Not cool!
- Wait, no, no, no.
I can explain.
That Armadillo did
a Charles Barkley impression,
and it's the most r*cist thing
I've ever seen.
- Hell yeah!
- Very cool!
That's my Bennigan!
We should get Sasquatch next.
I've never seen him wear pants.
OMG!
I totally just screamed.
It's Slimm Timm.
I thought it was Pete Davidson.
- Run!
- Strong women don't avoid
tough challenges, Skelli-Trash.
- Get in formation, girls.
It's time
to hold him accountable.
- Whatever.
Hey, Slimm Timm, over here!
It's me you want.
- Slimm Timm?
More like Dimm Timm.
You're an ageless being
who exploits tweens.
Literally grow up.
Piggybacking off that,
Slimm Timm,
have you ever heard
of toxic parasocial
sexual power dynamics?
Now you die.
Enough talk.
Time to take action.
- Can someone please help?
- This is a contemplative
think piece
for Vulture
that not only enumerates
your crimes,
but puts the media on trial
for their complicit...
- Whoa, nice hit.
If we somehow survive this,
I'm gonna be a social pariah.
- When I was your age,
I had the same fears.
But if you're true to yourself,
the right friends
will come along.
- Wait, aren't we both 13?
- Uh, no. I'm 14.
- I shall devour you all.
Hey. No heavy petting.
- Mortal tools cannot k*ll
Slimm Timm.
- Wait.
Y'all manifested him, right?
It's like
that Stephen King miniseries.
Just stop believing in him.
I don't believe.
I don't believe.
Ahh, I f*cked up!
- He's not Tinkerbell.
The only way to destroy him...
Is with the tool
that summoned him.
- Was about to say that.
- sh*t. sh*t!
What the phrase? What was it?
Um, "revi", or, uh, "rembi..."
- Reverterte.
- Reverterte unde venisti.
- That was f*cking awesome.
- Accountability
does not equal v*olence.
- Not cool, Chrissy.
- In some ways,
you're worse than Slimm Timm.
- You're welcome.
- You, uh... you okay?
- I'm fine.
Except I nearly got us both
k*lled
so I could have somewhere
to sit at lunch.
- You think that's bad?
At Matt Levy's bar mitzvah,
I once drank my own pee
on a dare.
- Hey, um, have you ever been
to Jake's Pizza?
They have the best breadsticks.
We should, uh, go sometime.
- Yeah, that would be...
Oh, sh*t.
- Where are you going?
- I forgot!
I'm, uh, babysitting tonight.
And every night!
I'm a teen mom!
Don't look for me.
- Bye.
Damn, she's fast.
- Oh, wow, I feel like I've
been asleep for 6,000 years.
I feel f*cking great.
- Hey, Bennigan, way to hold
that r*cist accountable.
- Bennigan, yo.
Yeesh. You okay?
- Yeah. Long story. You?
- Yeah, same.
- Hey, so, uh, normally
I wouldn't say anything,
but you blew me off
all last week,
and that wasn't cool.
- I'm sorry.
I just got so caught up
in being popular and...
- No, I get it.
You're trying so hard
to become popular
that before you know it,
you're slaughtering an armadillo
in front of a group
of your peers.
- Huh.
I know we couldn't go earlier,
so I managed to sneak
your favorite.
- The Macho Man Candy Savage
flavor?
Ooh, yeah.
Bennigan wrecked my sh*t.
- What, so Chrissy could
ice me out of Armageddon?
Pass.
That weirdo cares more about her
than I realized.
That might be,
as the kids say...
problematic.
- Look, before you can say
anything, I'm sorry.
You were right.
Those girls were just trouble.
We could spend the weekend
skinning that deer
like you wanted.
- Eh, you should be
with your friends, you know?
Go see a movie with Bennigan
or get breadsticks
from Jake's Pizza.
- Does this mean
I'm not grounded?
- Get out of here
before I change my mind.
- Oh, my gosh. Thanks, Mom.
I'll be back later.
At least we still have each o...
Whatever.
"Hey, Erwin, how was your whole
heartwarming comeback saga
with your rec softball league?"
"Good, thanks for asking."
d*ck.
01x04 - Popularity: Origin of Evil
Watch/Buy Amazon
An animated horror-comedy series about 13 years after being impregnated by Satan, a reluctant mother, Laura, and her Antichrist daughter, Chrissy, attempt to live an ordinary life in Delaware.
An animated horror-comedy series about 13 years after being impregnated by Satan, a reluctant mother, Laura, and her Antichrist daughter, Chrissy, attempt to live an ordinary life in Delaware.