01x02 - The Autopsy

[bunniefuu]

Graveyards,

cemeteries,

the ultimate collection.

Layers of earth separate ancient burials,

both pagan and holy.

A witch,

a warlock,

a saint.

And the soil is full of secrets

and treasure.

For the vermin that chews
indifferently on wood or bone,

it means nourishment.

And for the humankind, bounty.

Our tale today is "The Graveyard Rats,"

and its director is Vincenzo Natali.

Oh!

She's a beaut.

Sure is.

A lady
of refined disposition, I'd hazard.

By the looks of her, even in this state,

I'd say she was a pretty one.

Hey, but you'd never get
a class act like this one

while she's breathin'.

Me, I take what I can get.

As do I.

The bag, if you will.

The name's Masson.

I am the steward
of this garden of remembrance

from which you've so brazenly thieved.

- Nothing to say for yourselves?
- Have a heart.

- We're stupid and don't know no better.
- Yeah.

Permit me to enlighten you.

Are you aware
that the very foundations of society

are built on the respectful interment
of the dead?

We stopped being apes
when we dug our first graves.

It was the birth of civilization.

And it will be its end when we cease
to honor those that came before.

Now,

off with you.

You ain't gonna hand us over
to the local const...

Pathetic.

Let's take a look at you.

Here we go.

Oh, yes. Yes!

Here we go.

Ooh.

Oh.

Foundations of society indeed.

Agh.

All right.

Oh, come...

Ow!

Oh!

Oh! Oh.

Oh, you! Yah!

Good morn.

Over here.

Yeah, keep going.

Well?

- That's it?
- What do you mean?

There's more than enough
to satisfy this month's installment.

There ain't enough here
to cover the interest.

Ah, that locket is sterling silver.

It's pewter.

Silver.

Pewter.

This is the third time you come up short.

I'd give you the benefit of the doubt,

but my employers
take a less charitable view.

They're beginning to think

maybe you're keeping
the best for yourself.

You offend my honor, sir.

The Massons have
always been good for their debts.

I'm merely the victim
of misfortune at the card table,

and I have every intention of repaying it.

The problem's the rats.

- The rats?
- Yes, the rats.

They... They've infested my cemetery.
The beasts steal the bodies

before I have a chance
to extract my stock-in-trade.

Why, often is the time
that after digging for hours

in the dampness and cold
of a miserable night, I reach my prize

only to discover
that it's merely a... an empty box!

So you's telling me
rats is stealing bodies out of coffins.

What'd I just say? It's an epidemic.

My... My monthly returns
are a fraction of what they once were.

Ah, well... rats can't do that.

Oh, my dear fellow,
they most certainly can.

And Salem's rats are no ordinary rodents.

No, they come from far-off lands.
Have done for hundreds of years.

As long as the port has existed,

stowaways on trading ships returning
from Malaysia, China, the Ivory Coast,

and other exotic lands
where these creatures' ubiquitousness

have inspired entire religions.

I am, if nothing, a student of history.

And it is well known that in the old days,

when Cotton Mather
hunted Salem's evil cultists,

there existed a network of caverns
beneath these fair streets.

Black churches

that hosted ghastly orgies

and... and perverted sacraments
to unspeakable entities.

God in Heaven only knows
what's... what's breeding down there.

They're rats.

Just k*ll 'em.

I have employed both guile
and brute force to destroy these pests.

Traps, poison, even gas.
Nothing has stopped them.

Their warrens are complex
and... and... and well fortified.

Not to mention I'm a claustrophobe.
Small spaces are unbearable.

The result of a childhood incident
in an ice box.

It's not your concern.
My point is that I'm unable

to penetrate the enclosures
where they congregate.

And all the while the brutes get bolder.

I mean, this...
this is the result of a rat bite

I suffered while attempting to acquire
the items you have in your possession.

The pain, let me tell you, was unbearable,

but it was nothing compared
to what I endured from my physician

in the form of countless needles
to inoculate me against disease.

As you can see, I'm at my wits' end,

and I beg you and your employer
to please, please,

show me just a modicum of mercy,

or at least patience
as I contend with these issues.

You's already used up my patience,

standing here, listening to you's yammer.

As for my employers,

they'll give you one week,

so if I was you, Mr. Masson,

I'd pay what you owe.

Otherwise,

you won't be
in the cemetery business anymore.

You will be the business.

Keep the pewter.

Go away.

Dooley!

Dooley!

Gah.

- Is he in?
- I told you never to come here.

Well, is he?

No, thank goodness,
out attending to some business,

but he might be back any time,
so make it quick.

I need to know
if you've got anything promising.

Nothing this week. Nothing of consequence.

- Could I have a look?
- Absolutely not.

You don't understand,
this is a matter of life or death.

I only deal in the latter,

and in this case,
there are only paupers and vagrants.

No one of particular value.

Perhaps there is an unfortunate soul
who, like myself, knew better times

and procured gold fillings
before a fall from grace.

- It would only take me a minute to check.
- No.

Come, Dooley,

dear fellow.

How many times
have I... assisted you in the past?

Not to mention lined your pockets,

more than was bargained for,
I might add.

Only one thing can convince me
to let you examine those cadavers.

Oh, Dooley.

I expected more.

The Devil's Elixir.

If only you could muster
the will to abstain.

So many find their end
in its dark pleasures.

I pray you don't one day
count yourself among them.

Having said that,

I did come prepared.

Here we go.

We're still looking for the head.

Found in a bath.

It was like soup.

Ugh.

Looks like the old gal
still took good care of her teeth though.

Wooden dentures.

Some fine workmanship there.

- Sadly underrated on the open market.
- Oh, damn it all to hell!

I told you.

All they left to the world
was their mortal remains.

- What's that? What's in there?
- Nothing of value to you.

Come on. You've had your look. Let's go.

All right.

Leave that one alone. It just came in.

The coroner hasn't had a chance
to examine it.

- Oh, hallelujah!
- Are you out of your mind?

He's important.

- Wealthy shipping merchant.
- Yup.

One scratch on him
and the coroner will know.

Then he'll start asking questions,
and do you know how soon it'll be

before he figures out
the particulars of our arrangement?

- I need those teeth.
- Wait until tomorrow, and I'll let you...

Tomorrow could be too late.

Once he's in the ground,
the rats'll get him.

This way, madam.

Oh!

Oh, Lord.

Oh!

Dear... Dear Winston.

There, there, Mother.

Forgive me, but he...

he seems almost alive.

As if he were
having his afternoon respite.

Do as you must,
but please preserve his appearance.

For the presentation,
I would have him dressed in his finest.

All of his medals
will be affixed to his breast, and...

in his hand

will be the saber
gifted to him by King George,

his most prized possession.

Are you sure, Mother?

It's priceless.
Once interred, it is lost to you forever.

Shame, child.

Your father would have it no other way.

No cost is too great
for this final tribute.

♪ And a night on the town ♪

♪ Wouldn't do us any harm ♪

♪ And a night on the town
Wouldn't do us any harm ♪

♪ And a night on the town
Wouldn't do us any harm ♪

♪ And we'll all roll on behind you ♪

♪ And we all
Well, we all roll on behind you ♪

♪ And we'll roll on, chariots along
We'll... ♪

A most pleasant evening to you, madame.

And sir.

f*ck off.

"Long is the way and hard,

that out of Hell leads up to light."

Truer words were never written.

He'll only be in the ground
for a few hours before I reach him.

Surely those... pests
can't get to him that quickly.

Oh, Lord.

Please...

show me mercy.

If only this one time.

No! No! Oh, God!

Huh!

Hmm?

"Our love is buried with you."

Such a touching epitaph

will remain with him forever.

Madame,

the name's Masson.

I'm the caretaker
of your husband's final resting place.

I shall make it my personal mission

to ensure its integrity
is preserved in perpetuity.

Please.

Lord, our God,
you are the source of life.

In you, we live and move
and have our being.

Lead us to your kingdom through
your son, Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Keep us in life and death,

in your love,

and by your grace.

Amen.

Almost there.

Oh.

Oh, that's it. That's it.

Oh... Oh...

Oh, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Lord, don't let it be too late.

Oh.

What?

Ah!

No, no! What? No!

Oh, agh!

Ah! Oh! No!

No, no, please!

Ah! No!

No, God, no!

No, no, no, no, please!

No! No!

No!

Oh, God.

Hah! Ah! Agh.

Come on, Masson,
this is your pride, your prize, come on.

Yup.

I got you. I got you!

Ah! Ah! Oh, God!

Ah!

Agh!

Oh!

Cold, oh cold!

Oh, cold! Oh, darkness! Oh, God! Oh God!

Oh, God!

Oh, God, oh, God! No, no!

Oh!

Okay, breathe, breathe, breathe.

You... You will survive this.

You will. You will.

Where are you?

I will have my vengeance!

Mark my words!

Lest I will return with hellfire
for each and every one of you

and your pestilent kin!

Breathe, breathe, breathe.

Smart. Smart, Masson, smart.

Never give up. Never give up!

That's how you're gonna b*at them.
That's how you're gonna b*at them.

What?

Oh, God! Oh, God, no!

No! Oh, God!

God! No!

God, no!

What? No, no!

God! No! No!

Oh!

Oh-ho-ho-ho!

Wh...

Aghh!

Oh! Agh!

Ah!

Agh! No!

Ooh!

Oh, God! Ah!

Oh!

Holy Jesus!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, Masson, Masson! You lucky bastard.

Ohh.

Ah! Oh!

Hah.

Oh!

Black church.

Oh.

Glory be!

Yeah. Oh.

Oh. Come to me, darling.

Okay.

Here we go. Come, come, come, come, come.

Come.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Hallelujah!

Gotcha!

Mine.

Ah! Ah!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine!

Mine.

Ah!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Oh, Jesus, God above!
I swear to you my eternal piety!

I will commit my heart
to you and only you!

Please pity poor Masson.

Oh!

Ah! Yes!

Oh!

Come on, come on!

Agh!

Ah!

Come on, fall, blast you!

Agh!

Ahh!

Mine. Mine.

Mine!

Mine!

Light!

Oh my God!

Oh my...

Thank you, Jesus! I repent!

A new Masson arises!

"Long is the way and hard,

that out of Hell leads up to light."

"Long is the way and hard,

that out of Hell leads up to light."

"Long is the way and hard,

that out of Hell leads up to light."

"Long is the way and hard,
that out of Hell leads up to light"!

No!

No, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no.

No, no!

No, no, no, no, no!

No!

No! No!

No!

No! No, no!

Ah! Oh, God!

Ah!

Hey.

Isn't that...

Well, I'll be damned.

It is.