03x12 - Christmas Punch

[bunniefuu]

[ Knock on door ]

Hey, george.
Hey.

Uh, I know it´s still a few days
till christmas but, uh...

I wanted to give you this for
everything you´ve done for me.

Oh, man.

This is really expensive, ernie.
This is the good stuff.

Hey, you´re my best friend.

You know,
I got you something, too.

I just haven´t had a chance
to wrap it.

Oh, that´s okay.
I´ll take it now.

You know, it´s really amazing
that we´re such good friends.

I got you the same scotch.

Wow, this is amazing.

[ Chuckles ]

Was yours on sale, too?

No.

George.

Come on, carmen.
Pick up the phone.

[ Giggling ]
I miss you, too.

[ Beep ]

Wait, somebody´s calling.

But I can´t click over.
I´ll miss hearing your voice.

Aw, I miss hearing you, too.

I´m glad we´re back
together again.

[ Giggles ]
you´re so sweet for saying that.

I got to go.
Why?

I just got an e-mail from you,
and i´m dying to read it.

Okay, then we´ll both hang up
at the same time, okay?

On a count of three --
one, two, three.

Are you still there?

Yeah.
[ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Okay, for real this time,
okay?

One, two, three.

[ Click ]

Finally.

Man, I used to look up
to that guy.

Max!

Oh, I can´t believe you!

That was
a private conversation!

That wasn´t a conversation.

"Ooh, jason, ooh, carmen.

"Let´s both gag
on the count of three.

One, two, three.
Ughhh!

You are so dead!

I´m not supposed to tell you
this, but you´re adopted.

And when you turn 16,

Your head will explode just
like your real mom´s did!

Hey!
Hey, hey, hey!

What are you two doing
down here?!

He was listening in on
my phone call with jason.

Max, I told you
no more eavesdropping!

It doesn´t hurt anybody.

It violates their privacy.

You know what?
Christmas is coming up.

I´m tempted to tell santa
and let him deal with you.

No, please don´t tell santa.
I´ll stop.

I have to think about it,

But right now no more video
games for the rest of the week.

Okay, but please
don´t tell santa.

[ Telephone rings ]

Jason?

Yes, it´s jason.

Listen, you talk
on the phone too much.

I don´t love you anymore.
Get your mother!

It´s dad.

My dad.

Hi, honey.

Hey, baby, listen.

I wanted to talk to you before
you went to get max´s presents.

Hold on a second.
Go to the other room.

I need to talk to your father
in private.

Ho ho ho!

When did you have time
to do the shopping?

I went on my lunch break.

I got max everything
on his list to santa.

Everything?
Well, everything
except the monkey.

We can just lock my mom
in the yard,

Throw some bananas out there,
and watch her through the glass.

Ho ho ho!

Have you been naughty
or nice?

Save it, you big fake!

Naughty.

Naughty.

Naughty.

Ugh!

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ All my friends
know the low rider ♫

♫ The low rider
is a little higher ♫

Look, honey.
It´s coming up to us.

D-don´t feed it.

It´ll follow us home and make us
pay for its wedding.

Hey, carmen.

Hey, jason.

Hey, jason.

Hey, jason.
[ Giggles ]

Okay, you two.
Break it up.

But we´re not doing
anything wrong.

You kiss mom in front of people
all the time.

That´s different, all right?

We´re married.
It means nothing to us.

If it means nothing to you,

Then why do you close your eyes
and lift your leg?

You know, you shouldn´t be
kissing at work, anyway.

Fine, I won´t do it here.
I´m on break.

Come on, j-mac.

A girl her age should not do
that stuff in front of people.

[ Scoffs ]

I thought he owned a van.
What´s he waiting for?

I´m gonna put a stop
to this.

Honey, honey, relax.

I don´t like it, either,

But carmen´s a teenage girl
with a great boyfriend.

She´s just trying to send
a message to the other girls

That, "he´s mine."

I think jason´s brain is sending
the message to his pants --

"Make room."

[ Muttering ]

What are you doing?

I´m playing the video game.
No, you´re not.

That´s your punishment
for eavesdropping.

You want me tell santa
you were disobeying, now?

Yeah, I do. Why don´t you tell
santa right now?

He´s sitting right next
to you.

What?!

I know dad.

I heard you on the phone
with mom.

You´re santa!

Come on, max.
You think i´m santa?

Yeah!

Look, i´m gonna tell
you something.

No one likes to say this
in public...

But santa is white.

If a mexican was driving around
with a bagful of presents,

He´d get pulled over
every two seconds.

George.

"All right, hector.
Let´s see the receipts."
George!

It´s time we tell him
the truth.

Santa found out you were
listening in on phone calls,

And he put you
on the naughty list.

So we had to buy your gifts.

I´m your mother.
Have I every lied to you?

"sh*ts don´t hurt."

"It doesn´t matter
if you win or lose."

"Dyslexia is a gift!"

[ Thumping ]

Max, what are you doing?
That ball is keeping me up.

I´m trying to stay awake.

I´m gonna sneak downstairs

And catch dad putting out
all the gifts.

[ Thumping continues ]

Look, what if it´s not dad,
huh?

What if it really is santa?
You know, he is pretty sneaky.

You might not be able
to hear him.

Oh, i´ll hear him.

I put habanera sauce
in the cookies.

If santa takes one bite,

He´ll fly back to the north pole
on his own butt power.

But what if
the wrong person eats --

I think that´s a great plan.

George: I got him, angie!
I got him!

Angie:
good, good, get him!

Ow!
Hold him, george!

Hold him! Hold him!

What´s happening?

Your dad caught santa claus.

Really?!
Mm-hmm.

Did you see him, max?
Did you see santa claus?

No, he was here?

I had him by the beard
and the seat of his pants,

But he broke out of my grip.

He´s quick, max.

He´s like one of those big guys
that can move like jack black.

You really had him?

Yeah.
And this is all that I got.

Look, son, I know it´s not the
same as seeing santa claus,

But...you can have it...
If you want.

Wow, this has been
all over the world.

I bet elves made it.

Yeah,
I bet some little people

In a crowded workshop
somewhere made that.

Thanks, dad.
This is the coolest thing ever.

Okay, kids, that´s enough
excitement for tonight.

Everybody back to bed, huh?

Wait, why don´t we open
the presents now?

I mean, santa just left them.
They´re fresh.

No, we have to wait
till tomorrow morning.

Hey, can I open one of my cds?
I can listen to it tonight.

Who said
you were getting cds?

Huh?

This could be that diamond
necklace you asked santa for.

[ Rattling ]

Oh, my god!
[ Squeals ]

Go to bed.
Go...to bed.

Dad...

Do you think santa knows
that I didn´t believe?

No, don´t even worry
about it, son.

Good night.

My man.

Yeah, that´s right.

Hang on, santa.

Fat man tries to slide down
my chimney,

I don´t think so.

Take on the easter bunny,
también --

The tooth fairy,
old man kwanzaa.

Call them.
I´ll be right here.

You´ve been so good
about watching what you eat.

Yeah, you´re right.

I´ll go get you a rice cake.

Rice cake?
That loco rice cake?

Oh, my god!

Hot! Hot!

When santa got away,
my dad got me this.

It´s gonna be in a museum
some day.

That´s the dumbest thing
i´ve ever heard, lopez.

You know, it doesn´t hurt
when my teacher says it,

And it doesn´t hurt
when you say it.

Your dad´s full of crap.

He just did it to keep you
believing in santa.

No, he didn´t!
You got punked, dude.

Give me that!

Make me.

You know, this is dangerously
close to naughty!

You know, I was getting
a little jealous

Watching you play
football today.

Why is that?

Because all the other players
were slapping you on your butt.

By the way, good game.

I´m gonna go upstairs

And put on that sweater
you got me for christmas.

Okay.

Jason, outside.

Have a seat.

What´s going on?

Look, i´m happy that you care
about my daughter.

But whenever I see you kissing
or touching or holding her,

I see me choking, k*lling,
and burying you.

Listen, i´m not into public
affection, either, all right?

It´s embarrassing.

But, come on, you know what it
was like in high school.

Girls, they just want
to hang all over you.

Yeah,
that´s what it was like...

Nonstop kissing.

Girls kissing me.

Yeah, that was it.

Mr. Lopez,
what am I gonna do?

I mean, I want to stop,

But I don´t want to hurt
carmen´s feelings.

You know,
if only we could find someone

Who would be willing to hurt
carmen´s feelings.

Oh, forget it.
I´ll just do it!

Really?
Yeah.

You know,
she may get mad at me.

She may even, god forbid,
stop talking to me.

Thanks, mr. Lopez.

Next time
you guys get together,

Get carmen to start all
that kissing and stuff, okay?

And i´ll take care of it.

George,
I need you in here!

Later.

What happened?

Kenny tolantino said you
tricked me about santa claus,

Even after I showed him
the beard

And the piece of santa´s suit.

So he hit you?

Uh-huh.

When I wouldn´t say
there wasn´t a santa,

He knocked me down
and started punching me.

You didn´t do anything?

I made him bleed.

I moved my head,
and he punched the sidewalk.

You know,
that never worked for me.

I would move my head,

And they would just punch
another part of my head.

He says he´s gonna b*at me up
every day after soccer

Until I admit
there´s no santa.

How many more soccer games
do you have?

Honey.
Maybe it´s time.

No. Look, max, you don´t
listen to that kid, okay?

He doesn´t know
what he´s talking about.

Max, go upstairs
and get cleaned up, huh?

Keep it on your eye,
and i´ll be up in a minute.

Go on.

What are you doing?

You want him
to get b*at up every day?

No, angie, I don´t want him
to get b*at up every day,

But i´m not gonna let some bully
ruin santa claus for my son.

When I was a kid,

My mom didn´t give a crap
about christmas.

There was no magic.
There was no wonder, nothing.

You know what she would do?

Every christmas she´d make
tamales. You know why?

So on christmas morning
I had something to unwrap.

Is it a puppy?!

No, it´s pork.

All right, I get it.

I´ll look in
the student registry

And e-mail this
kenny kid´s parents.

No, angie -- not one of your
strongly worded e-mails.

Your words
are like b*ll*ts, no.

There ought to be a waiting
period on your keyboard.

We can´t just do nothing.

Relax,
I got it all worked out.

In 20 seconds?
Trust me.

Honey.

Angie...

[ Shrilly ]
I got this!

Hey, santa´s little helper.

Say he´s not real
or you´re going down.

I see you have band-aids
on your knuckles.

You might want to remember
where you got those.

Say it, lopez.

Santa isn´t real.

No!
My dad wouldn´t lie.

I guess you´re just gonna have
to learn the hard way.

Ho ho ho!

Punch it, rudolph!

I´m an elf!

[ Tires screech ]

Hey!

Hey, mr. Lopez.

What´s going on?
Nothing.

We´re just looking
for a movie to see.

Oh, yeah, let me see
that sports page.

Oh, your hair smells so good...
Like...peaches...

[ Giggles ]

...that smell good.

You know that I only want my
head to smell good for you.

[ Giggles ]

Oh, oh, oh!

Okay, that´s enough!

What is it, mr. Lopez?

Look, i´m tired of all
this public affection.

It´s got to stop!

But we´re not doing
anything wrong.

We´re just showing
that we like each other, dad.

I really like pizza,

But you don´t see me rubbing it
all over my chest

And sticking it
in my back pockets.

Look, carmen, i´m your father,
and I make the rules.

No more kissing!
No more touching!

That is so harsh,
mr. Lopez!

End of discussion!

[ No audio ]

But, dad, this sucks!

This is gonna be so hard
for me.

Because wherever we are,

I always want to have you kiss
me or call me honey bunny.

It´s too bad.

Hey, we can still do
all those things,

Just not in front of my dad.

Let´s go down to the mall.

We can go by the fountain
and eskimo kiss.

The nose thing?

Yes, honey bunny.

Oh, this is so hot.

I just ran an errand
with ernie.
Okay.

It´s the truth.
That´s where I was.

Call him.
He´ll tell you the same thing.

I know it was you, dad.

What are you talking about?

Kenny tried to b*at me up
today,

And some guy dressed
as santa claus

Pushed him into the bushes.

No, max.

That couldn´t have been
your father

Because, as an adult, he knows
it´s illegal to as*ault a minor

And that,
[shrilly] "I got this!"

Isn´t a defense
in a court of law.

I know it was you, dad.

All right, max.
Sit down.

You´re old enough.

I guess it´s time
we had this talk.

Don´t talk to me.
Talk to santa.

He´s the one
that´s gonna be mad at you.

You can´t just dress up like him
and go pushing kids into bushes!

First, you tear his coat,
and then this?

What scares me the most
is you´re not even thinking!

You know what?

You´re right.

I´m sorry.

And i´ll write a letter
tonight to santa

And explain the whole thing.

Thank you.

Oh, and next year, tell
santa less socks, more monkey.

Am I good or what?

I can make anybody
believe anything --

Max, carmen, you.

You don´t lie to me anymore.

I lie to you before I even know
what i´m saying.

My lies are backed up like
planes waiting to take off.

"I love to go shoe shopping
with you."

"Your stories about work
are fascinating."

"You know, this house could use
some more candles."

There goes one now.

I´m real!

Ho ho ho ho ho!

[ Sleigh bells jingling ]

Angie!

Angie!

Angie!

What?
What is it?
He was here.

Who?
Santa!

He pushed me in the bushes,
and then he disappeared!

Max is upstairs.
You don´t have to do this.

Look, i´m telling you
it was the real santa.

I´m gonna go make you
some coffee.

I´m not drunk!

Where´d santa go?

You never leave a man behind!