03x16 - Benny and Randy

[bunniefuu]

Oh. Angie, the duke
of hazard is here.

Evening, george.

Randy.

My god!
You look so handsome.

Doesn´t he, george?

Why do you put me on the spot
like this?

You can tell me, george.
I can take it.

By the way, you look
very nice tonight.

Thanks.

I like, uh...

I like how your beard starts
from inside your nose.

Hey, randy, what are you
doing here?

Hey, babe.

I´m taking you out
on the town tonight.

I got you a new dress
to wear and everything.

Happy 6-month
anniversary, angel.

Six months?

What kind of a fruitcake

Celebrates a 6-month
anniversary?

When you´re robbing the casket,
every day´s a gift.

Benny, why don´t you put
the dress on,

And i´ll do your makeup?

You want to get going.

You got a big night
ahead of you.

I don´t want to go anywhere.
I don´t like surprises.

And I don´t have
my big-night underwear on.

Come on, it´ll be fun.

We´re going to a wine bar
that angie recommended.

Don´t worry, I called ahead.
They have beer.

Then we´re going to
a great seafood restaurant

That angie recommended.

Don´t worry, I called ahead.
They have chicken.

And then, after toothpicks,

I´ve got a little anniversary
present for you.

What is it?

Not here, benny.

When I give it to you,
I want the mood to be right.

Well, wait.
Let me get a empty jug,

And i´ll toot you out
some courtin´ music.

Let´s just cut out the romance
and just give it to me.

H-hang on, babe.
Let´s do this right.

[ Whimpers ]

I love you.

What´s this?

It´s the key
to my apartment.

Metaphorically, it´s the key
to my heart.

I think it´s time

We take things to the next
level, benita!

The next level, huh?

Well, it was bound
to happen sooner or later.

Um, i´ll tell you what.

I´m just gonna go shimmy
into this little number,

And then, you know,
we can just head out.

This is so exciting!

I can´t wait to see her
in a dress!

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

That was horrible.

She doesn´t
deserve you, randy.

Why would she
do that, george?

Wait. We don´t even know
if that was her.

That could have been
the neighbor´s car.

I´m gonna go check.

Mother?!

I´m sure
this´ll all work out, huh?

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ All my friends
know the low rider ♫

Hey, why aren´t you
on the floor?

Oh, um, I met a girl
at thirsty´s last night,

And I might have given her
the impression

That I had my own office
with my own phone line, so...

Go to work, and i´ll get you
when she calls.

Well, you can´t answer
the phone

"Powers brothers aviation."

Why not?

Well, I might have given
her the impression

That I was an insurance
adjuster.

That´s your lie
to get women?

What? "Professor of lovemaking"
doesn´t work anymore?

You can´t sit here all day.
Go back to work.

I told her to call before
lunch, so, you know.

Oh, okay.

[ Lifts receiver,
dials telephone ]

[ Telephone rings ]

Hello?
Big insurance company.

Get back to work!

Hey, where were you
last night?

I called, like, 20 times.
Then I came over.

Didn´t you hear me pounding
on the door?

You know my credit.

Somebody´s always pounding
on my door.

Benny, how could you
walk out on me?

I opened myself up
to you.

I gave you my key.

And I threw it
in the pacific ocean.

Well, I had to get rid

Of some used motor oil
and paint anyway.

Why are you pushing me
away?

Why are you trying
to ruin what we had?

We were doing really good

Before you wanted to take it
to the next level.

What do you want from me?

More than i´m getting.

Why can´t I spend
the night for once?

Why do you always have to kick
me out right after we...

Have relations?

I´m tired of hearing,

"Nice work, pal, but
I watch the news alone."

I shouldn´t have to
say it

If you would learn to get
dressed in the dark.

When my cigarette goes out,
then you should, too.

Benny, we´re gonna deal
with this.

No, i´m done dealing
with it.

Well, i´m not done.

You know what?
You are done,

Because when I say you´re done,
that´s when you´re done.

If i´m done, then why
am I still talking?!

Ma, randy,
in my office now!

Que te voy a pegar.

I warned you two about bringing
your forbidden love into work.

When you punch in,
you´re not my mom,

And you´re not the
wrinkle-chaser dating her.

You´re employees,
so act like it.

And, mom, bring back
my cd player.

That´s not part of this, but max
said he saw it at your house.

I came here to work today.

He is the one who started
this fight, okay?

He is the only man
in the world

Who´s not happy that he can
just hit it and quit it.

[ Door slams ]

Listen, i´m sorry
about all this, george.

I´m just a passionate man.

When i´m around your mom,
my 1/16th apache comes out.

Look, randy, I don´t know
what you want with my mom,

But i´m gonna tell you
one thing --

You´re not gonna get warmth
and affection.

I wanted it, too, when I was
a kid, and I didn´t get it.

She´s cold, man.

She used to take my temperature
the other way

Just ´cause she thought
it was funny.

What are you saying,
george?

She is who she is, man.

You have to accept that
or you´re wasting your time.

I hear you, george.

[ Telephone rings ]

Powers brothers aviation.

Car and house insurance.

Yeah, ernie´s here,

But look, ernie´s really not
an insurance adjuster, okay?

The truth is he´s a machinist,
and he makes a good salary.

He´s a good guy, and he lives
with his parents,

So he makes enough money

To pay for a foster kid
with an alcoholic mom,

And -- hello?

What the hell
did you say to randy?

What´s your problem now?

He just dumped me.

What?

Don´t you act
all surprised.

If you hadn´t opened
your big mouth,

He would have gotten over

That "take it to
the next level" crap,

And we would have gone
back to the way we were.

This is all your fault.

Oh, yeah, you´re right.

This is my fault!

I´m the one who sleeps with a
man young enough to be his son

And then freaks out when
he does something wrong!

Yeah, that´s me!

All I wanna do is sleep
with beefy, young guys

And then throw them away!

That´s right, brad,
walk away.

This fur is pretty,
but this kitty´s got claws.

Let´s move on
to hair care, hmm?

Now, I need someone
to help demonstrate

The new la marie
leave-in conditioner.

Well, how about you, max?

Is that the junk
that b*rned my scalp?

He´s referring to
the invigorating tingling

That lets you know
that it´s working.

´Cause, ladies, beautiful hair
is what keeps your man happy.

Sorry, ladies.

We have a homeless problem
in the neighborhood,

And sometimes
they just wander in.

Come on, sir, i´ll get you
a warm bowl of soup.

...front yard.
I´m sorry.

Mom, what do you think
you´re doing?

Angie´s got customers
out there.

What is going on?

And why are you walking
around in a robe?

Because I got no one
to get dressed for.

I got no one
to get undressed for.

George screwed up my
relationship with randy.

George, what did you do?

I told him he has to accept
my mom the way she is.

What a horrible thing
to say!

He never wanted me to date,

And now he´s made sure
I won´t.

Come on, mom.
There´ll be other guys.

There´s a couple billion
on the planet.

There´s gotta be two
with the same fetish.

Even if I did meet
another guy,

You would just screw it up.

I´m done.
Hmm.

By the way, I brought
your cd player back.

It´s been skipping.

You might want to look
into that.

George, I can´t believe
you did that.

I´ve never seen your mom
this depressed.

What´s everybody going
so crazy about?

What´s the big deal
about losing randy?

He gave my mom an std.

He drinks like a fish,

And half of his relatives
are in prison.

George, that´s a catch
for her.

Look, randy
may not be perfect,

But he´s sweet as can be.

Oh, he´s got you fooled,
too?

I´m telling you, angie.
Something´s not right.

My mom abuses him,
and he stays with her.

I´ll tell you why.

He´s gonna marry her,

Put a big insurance policy
on her head,

And let the cigarettes
do their work.

What if he really
loves her?

"What if he really
loves her?"

¿Estás loca?

What if he really
loves her?

Well, then, I was wrong,

And I ruined the remainder
of my mom´s life.

So?

So, you better be damn sure
you´re right about randy.

Oh, and here´s
another thing.

If she´s alone
in her old age,

She´s gonna end up living here

In this house
for the rest of her life.

And your next wife
is not gonna like that.

Salma wouldn´t mind.

Salma said extended family
is very important to her.

Salma?

Salma hayek...

My second wife.

I´ll walk in with hair
like this and...

[ Yells in spanish ]

I´m george hayek.

That´s right.
You don´t know.

She could love me.

Hey, randy,
you got a minute?

Sure.

I was just sharing a little
misery with shelly here.

Tequila.

So, what´s up, george?

Look, I know you and my mom
broke up, all right?

But I can´t take the chance

Of you two guys fighting
on the factory floor again.

I tried to keep my personal
feelings out of this,

But I couldn´t.

So i´m gonna fire
my mom later.

What?

Are you crazy?

Benny´s been there
over 35 years.

If you gotta fire somebody,
fire me.

Look, I can´t afford
to lose you, randy.

And gina´s gonna do
my mom´s work.

Hey, what about gina, huh?

She´s even older
than my mom.

Nice condo at the marina,
brand-new titanium hips.

Look, benny
doesn´t deserve this.

If you don´t want
to fire me, I quit.

So you´d actually quit
for her?

I just did.

I would do anything
for that woman, george.

I love her so much.

If I could, i´d lock her
in a cage and show her off...

Like an exotic bird that no
human hand should ever soil.

Hey, randy, if I help you
get her back,

Do you promise me that you
will lock her in a cage?

Wait a minute.
You´re not f*ring her?

I was just making sure
you were for real.

Okay? I´m sorry.

Randy, your ex
just walked in.

All right, just let me
take care of this.

I want him
out of this bar.

This is my bar!

Everything can´t always
be your way, benny!

Look, he´s got just as much
right to be here

As you do, mom.

No!

George, this is where I come
to forget my problems.

I don´t want to see him
here.

I´ve been coming here
since he was in diapers,

Since you were in diapers.

I even changed your diapers
on this pool table.

I used to powder your butt
with the blue chalk.

Every story
makes me closer to you.

This guy really cares
about you, mom.

You´re making a big mistake.
You´re blowing this.

You know, george,

He´s the one who gave up
his good thing, okay?

He knows where to find it
if he wants it.

Look, mom,
he´s not gonna do that.

You gotta give him
something.

Show him that you care.

Well, maybe I don´t care.

Oh, you don´t care?

So if shelly´s been hitting
on him for the last hour,

And he´s gonna take her out
on saturday night,

That wouldn´t bother you?

Big deal.

I need a smoke.

Randy, I think i´m getting
through to her.

So open up that cage door
and soil yourself.

You know, what you were
saying with the...

What are you doing
to randy´s truck?

Warming up
for randy´s head!

How could he do this to me?!
We just broke up!

I thought you didn´t care
about him.

I don´t!

Randy´s not going out
with shelly.

I just made that up!

What?!

Look, I wanted to prove
something.

You wouldn´t be going crazy
like this

If you didn´t care
about him.

Get over here.

I want to show you how
much I care about you.

Why do you have to b*at up
on the people you care about?

I´ll tell you why.

´Cause i´m gonna get them
before they get me.

So, what, you think randy´s
gonna be like my dad was?

You think he´s gonna run
out on you

And treat you like crap?

Sooner or later,
that´s what they all do.

So, you know what?
What if you´re wrong?

What if he´s just
a good guy?

Then I don´t know.

My truck!
What happened?!

She thought you were
flirting with shelly.

She´s crazy.

You destroyed my truck,

You crazy, pint-sized,
mexican groundhog?

You do love me.

Yeah, I was gonna smash up
your windshield,

And george wouldn´t let me.

Marry me.

Dude, what are you doing?

She´s still got
the tire iron.

Okay.

Okay what?

Okay, i´ll marry you.

What?

Ooh!

George, you finally got
yourself a real dad!

Randy, i´m not ready
to take it to this level.

Do we really have to go out
to dinner with them?

George, this is huge.
Your mom just got engaged.

We should celebrate.

Evening, george.

Randy.

Oh, you look so handsome.

Doesn´t he, george?

We already went through this.

Is benny here?

Oh, yeah.

She´s upstairs
getting changed.

She´ll just be a minute.

So, junior...

Orale.

Oh, my god.

You know what?
Um...

We´re gonna give you guys
a minute.

We´ll just be
in the living room.

Children!

[ Engine turns over ]

[ Tires screech ]