03x21 - George's House of Cards

[bunniefuu]

My idiot fiancé can´t come
to the poker party tonight.

He´s going
to premarital counseling.

And he´s okay
with you not being there?

He doesn´t know yet. It´ll give
him something to talk about.

My dad´s on his way over.

Just so you know, he signed
his divorce papers today,

So he might be
a little depressed.

Why would he
be depressed?

He´s a good-looking doctor
with a lot of money.

He´ll get another woman.

It´s not like
if you left george,

I mean, that would be sad.

Hey, I do okay.

Oh, come on, george.

If you take the house away,
and the cars, and the kids,

You´re just a big head
living in a field.

Mom, please, I could get
another woman like that.

Because I have yet to hear
of a divorce case

Where the wife got custody
of the hair.

Yeah, enjoy your hair, ´cause I
still got custody of this.

I love you.
I love you so much.

Well, if you love me
so much,

Let my dad in
on your poker game tonight.

It´ll cheer him up.

No, angie, look,
this is my thing, okay?

It´s my game,
and it´s my garage,

And I like
to decide who plays.

Yeah, well, you wouldn´t even
have a garage

If my dad hadn´t given us
the money to rebuild it.

Look, i´m grateful your dad
loaned us the money,

But when you play cards, angie,
it´s like for five hours.

You don´t want to play
with people who are annoying.

Then why does your mom
get to play?

She´s important
to the game.

Because when one of the guys
starts to hit on her,

I know it´s time
to take his keys.

Hey, angie,
let me ask you something.

What?

Does vic play
a lot of poker?

No, I don´t think so.

I´m not even sure
if he knows how to play.

Hmm, let´s see --
a rich doctor,

He can´t control his emotions,
and he doesn´t know the game --

Looks like mama´s
getting back teeth.

Oh, vic.

Hope to see you
later tonight.

Bring beer
and plenty of cash.

Thank you, benny,
but I do not pay for the sex.

No, but you do pay
for the house

Where your ex-wife
and her boyfriend are doing it,

So you are paying for the sex,
you´re just not getting any.

She was talking about george´s
poker game tonight, dad.

It might be nice,
you know, to have a distraction,

Take your mind
off the divorce.

I don´t even think
about the divorce.

Well, sometimes, when i´m
performing heart surgery

And my mind
starts to wander...

I fantasize that it´s melina
on the table,

And all I have to do
is reach down and squeeze

That heart until it pops!

Daddy, poker?

Yes, I would love
to play.

I will go to the bank
and withdraw $1,000.

$1,000? Vic, it´s just a
friendly nickel-and-dime game.

Oh, I didn´t realize
I was playing with the ladies.

See you later,
mary-alice.

Thanks a lot, angie,
you just ruined my night.

Well...

Maybe I can
make it up to you.

Nothing.

I love you.

[ Intro to w*r´s "low rider"
plays ]

♫ All my friends ♫

♫ Know the low rider ♫

♫ The low rider
is a little higher ♫

Come on ernie,
you in or out?

Oh, I don´t know.
It´s a lot of money.

It´s 75 cents.

It is? I fold.

All right, benita,
let´s see what you got.

I´ll show you mine
if you show me yours.

We´re talking
about cards, no?

That depends.

Do you want to be
talking about cards?

Mom, show your hand.

Read ´em and weep, boys,
I got a san francisco wedding --

Two queens.

Sorry, mom, but I got the
numbers hidden on your scalp --

6...6...6.

Wa-cha!

Very good, george,
I never saw that coming.

You got that face --
not crooked, not curved,

Not bendy...
What do you call it?

Straight?

Yes, that
is what I got!

More coins for the change holder
in my german luxury sedan.

George: it´s getting late.

Let´s make this game
more interesting

So we can win
some of our money back.

Best five cards,
no limits.

Oh, I fold.

You don´t even
have cards yet.

I know, but a very wise gambler
once gave me some advice.

He said --

Ernie, you sing
that kenny rogers song

One more time,
I will punch you in your eye.

Okay, okay...

You just got to know
when to hold ´em

And know
when to fold ´em.

Ernie!

I brought snacks.

Chip me!

Bet´s to you, vic.

Okay, I open
with $10.

I am going to have
to see your $10,

And raise you $20.

Oh, my goodness, grandma.

Is it good when you have all the
same colors in a row like that?

She´s bluffing, vic.

When I was a kid, she made me do
the same thing, but in spanish.

[ Speaking spanish ]

I fold.

All right.

I will see my mom´s $20,

And raise it...$30.

Okay, mr. Moneypants.

I call.

Three kings.
Oh!

Damn.

Hey, max, watch out for mom,
because she´s mad at you

For that thing you always forget
to do in the bathroom.

Flush?

Yes, that
is what I have!

I believe you owe me $50.

I think
we´re good here.

Oh, yeah, we´re good here.
You owe me $50, let´s go.

I´ll take it
off your tab.

What are you
talking about?

I´m talking about
the $17,000 I loaned you

To rebuild this garage.

Now you owe me $50 less.

Hey, man,
that´s separate.

This is a poker game. You made
a bet, you gotta honor it.

George is right.
This is a game of honor.

You shouldn´t
be gambling anyway.

You owe me money.

Hey, man, I pay you
every month, that was the deal.

And now the deal is this month
you will pay $50 less.

You´re welcome.

Vic, pay the money.
I refuse.

What if I just take it?
Oh, yeah?

Well, my wallet is strapped
to the inside of my thigh,

So the only thing
you´re gonna take is a b*ating.

Wait, wait, stop it, stop it,
both of you!

This game
is tearing us apart!

We´re supposed
to be having fun.

Come on,
we´re all friends.

Look, why don´t we pretend
this night never happened,

And give everybody
their money back.

You owe me $5, you owe me $7,
and you owe me $12.

What am I doing?

Dr. Victor palermo does not
quibble over $50.

I´m leaving.

Wa-cha!

Oh, no.

You don´t "wa-cha" me
in my own house.

Hey, man, this isn´t over.
Pay up.

What happened?

Your dad owes me some money.
He´s being a big baby about it.

Baby? Am I the one whining?

"Waah, give me my $50,
waah."

If I am a baby,
you are a fetus.

Daddy, if you lost,
you should pay george.

Why?

He already owes me thousands
of dollars for the garage.

All right, if that´s
the way you want it,

Then you owe me five bucks
for this sandwich.

If you´re gonna
nickel-and-dime me,

I´m gonna nickel-and-dime you
right back.

You´re both being childish.

George, give my dad
back his sandwich.

Daddy, i´ll make you
another one.

Hey, make him all the sandwiches
you want, angie,

I´ll just add it
to his tab.

That´s right, let me see,

That´s $10 for two sandwiches,

And $15 for that steak
you ate on friday,

Oh, and a dollar
for every time

You said, "castro," or "cuba,"
or "oye chico."

So, let´s see,
that´s $17,050,

Minus the $17,000
for the garage,

So you owe me...
Look at that, man, 50 bucks!

Oye chico, this is insane.

51!

You see, this is why you
shouldn´t play poker for money.

You should play for...
Compliments.

"I see your...´Nice hair,´

And raise you a ´wow,
have you been working out?´"

What do -- w-what?

What?

Okay, you want to play
your petty games?

I´m quadrupling
your monthly payments.

I can barely afford
what i´m paying now.

Oh, but you can afford
to gamble, and golf,

And buy gallons of
jojoba hair conditioner.

You know,
you´re k*lling your follicles.

Vic, pay me my damn $50!

No!

Then get out
of my house!

Fine, but get yourself
out of my garage!

Daddy!
Your garage?

That´s right.
I´m calling in my loan.

I´m foreclosing on the garage
and kicking you out.

And I can afford to speak
however I want.

[ Speaking spanish ]

The garage door
didn´t open.

That´s weird.

Maybe vic
clipped all the wires

Before he put
that big lock on the door.

What?

He can´t lock me
out of my own garage.

No, he can´t.

I´ll get my tools, i´ll cut
through this thing right now.

You don´t think I will?
I´ll cut through it like that.

Yeah, and where are
your tools?

Damn!

Hey, daddy.

Hey...

How´d you get your skates
out of the garage?

Grandpa gave them to me
before he locked it.

Oh, and hey...

He gave me $50
to buy whatever I wanted.

That´s my $50.

He said
you´d say that.

Tell me the combination
right now.

I don´t know it.

Carmen,
I will rent a lowrider,

And I will drive you to school
in my underwear,

And I will drive slow
so all your friends can see,

And I will honk the horn.

♫ Da-da-da da da
da-da-da da da ♫

♫ Da da-da-da-da-da da ♫

Have a nice day, sweetie.

Don´t get pregnant.

All right, all right.

I saw grandpa write on
a piece of paper

And slip it under the mat.

Rookie mistake, vic.

"If you are reading this,

"You are a bigger idiot
than I thought -- over.

Chico!"

Don´t laugh!

Angie!

What?

Do you know your dad put a lock
on the garage door?

No, I was
at the store all morning.

He can´t do that.

Oh, yes he can,

Because he is out of his
mojito-drinkin´,

Banana-fryin´,
chicken-chasin´ mind!

This is all your fault

For forcing me
to let him in the game.

I admit, he´s being
immature and stubborn.

But you know what?
So are you.

How can you say that?

Oh, uh, I don´t know.
Remember this?

How can I forget
our weekend at the lake?

All i´m saying is,
it´s only $50.

Let it go.

My dad has done
a lot for us.

And we´ve done
a lot for him.

We let him stay here
when your mom left him.

I went halfway to cuba to pull
his brother out of the ocean.

I comforted him
when the garbage man

Accidentally took away
his annoying conga drum.

I thought you said
that was stolen.

Who knows
what really happened?

This is out of control.

I´m calling him right now

And getting him
to take off that lock.

Max!

Max, you gotta let me
in the garage.

Grandpa said not to let
anyone in his garage.

Max, it´s my garage, okay?
Tell me the combination.

Max, I will rent a lowrider

And I will take you
to school in my underwear.

Cool, can I go
in my underwear too?

Tell me the combination.

Okay.

42-16-23.

Hold on.

Wait.

Maybe it´s 24-61-32.

There´s no 61.

Okay...

42-32-16.

Darn it.

23...

15...

32.

No.

He gave the combination
to a dyslexic fifth-grader.

The man
is an evil genius!

Got your message.

Finally.

Now get that lock
off the garage.

I´m afraid
I cannot do that.

But this is not between
you and me.

I will give you
the combination

If you promise
not to tell george.

I have to tell george.
He´s my husband.

Angie, I don´t want
to put you in the middle,

But you have to pick
right now

Between your father
and your husband.

I love you,
but I pick george.

So this
is how it ends.

Hello, beautiful.

Uh, hi.

Vic, i´m glad you´re here.
[ Whistles ]

Really?

Yep. I want to put
all this behind us.

That´s very big
of you, honey.

Here.

This is the rest
of the $17,000 I owe you.

We are -- wa-cha!

Even. [ Whistles ]

Where did you get
all this?

Don´t worry about it.

Please tell me carmen´s not on a
private jet to kuwait right now.

I don´t know why I didn´t think
of it sooner -- it was so easy.

Open eight new credit cards,

And took out cash advances
on all of them. Aye!

Are you crazy?

Do you know how much interest
we´re gonna have to pay on this?

No.

But I could figure it out

On my new, complimentary
solar-powered calculator I got.

It needs the sun.

So you have
a problem with me,

And you go off and do something
foolish like this?

How can you put your
family in debt without
talking to your wife?

That´s no way
to run a marriage.

What do you know
about marriage?

At least my wife´s
not with another man right now.

Don´t say it.
I know.

Hey, vic...

Here.
You got your garage back.

Look, i´m sorry, man.
That was too much.

Yeah, it was.

But this wouldn´t have gotten
out of hand

If you hadn´t thrown
that loan in my face.

Maybe i´m just tired
of being taken advantage of.

Vic, I wasn´t trying
to take advantage of you.

Not you.

Melina.

Is that
what this is about?

Right now, my wife
and her boyfriend

Are sleeping in the bed
that we bought together.

I want to go back to the lawn
in front of our house,

Scream at the top of my lungs
that she´s a whore,

And throw a rock
through the bedroom window.

But my lawyer said
that´s how I lost the boat.

That sucks, vic.

I know it does.

Sorry I took it
out on you.

Listen...give that money
back to the credit cards,

And pay me back
on the original schedule.

Thank you.

Now that I have unburdened
myself to you,

Let´s have a little truth
between us.

Why was that $50
so important?

This is kind of hard
for me to talk about,

´Cause you know
I didn´t have a dad,

And you´ve always been
kind of a father figure to me.

So when I didn´t get something
I felt that you owed me,

It brought up all those feelings
of abandonment all over again.

Really?

No, I pulled
a flush, man!

You know
how hard that is?!

Pay me my fifty bucks,
chico.

Fine.

W-w-wait,
what are you doing?

I told you, I keep my wallet
strapped to my thigh.

Just write me a check.

Okay.

Vic,
what are you doing?

Getting my checkbook.

Okay, five card stud,
but...

We´re playing
for compliments.

[ All groaning ]

My deal, my rules.

Everyone ante up
a compliment.

You´re more beautiful today
than the day I married you.

You´re
a wonderful daughter.

I hope to marry
a woman like you someday.

Benny?

You must save
a lot of money on bras.

All right,
now what do we do?

Well, uh, benny
has the high hand,

So whoever wants
to start the betting

Has to compliment benny.

I fold.

I fold.

Me too.