03x04 - Feel the Burn

[bunniefuu]

[CHATTERING]

RANDY: Mm-mm-mm.

Why don't I get you a loaf of bread, man? You can clean the whole kitchen.

George, I am honored to sup with you.

Who knew when I started working at the factory I'd be dating your mom? Spent my life looking for the perfect woman, the whole time she was right under my nose, inspecting my parts.

Ha, ha, ha.

Baby, if we're gonna catch a movie, we'd better skedaddle.

You know what? I don't feel so good.

You better go on without me.

I'll go to the movies with you.

What were you gonna see? Well, Benny was gonna drag me to one of those black guy, kung-fu guy, buddy movies.

They never get along.

Hey, you can come over to my house and watch Superstars of Wrestling.

How can you watch that stuff? It's all fake.

I know.

Good night, babe.

Feel better.

Oh, good night, you guys.

Randy, thanks again for the homemade cheese.

I'll wash the coffee can out and get it back to you.

No problem, Angie.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Kids, go do your homework.

You throwing that cheese in the trash? No, I'm gonna do what I do with dog poop.

Put it in the scooper and launch it as far as I can.

- Benny, you okay? - I've been burning up all day.

- Well, you do feel hot and clammy.

- Ugh.

That's just the top half.

Do you have any other symptoms? - Oh, irritability - Any new symptoms? You know, female stuff.

Well, Benny, you might be at that age.

- This could be the beginning of menopause.

- No, no, no.

I just started dating a 42-year-old guy.

I can't be going through the change.

Benny, it's not the end of the world.

The gynecologist can help you.

There's pills for the incontinence.

Hormone creams to restore lubrication.

[GEORGE GAGGING]

Hey, no vomit.

I'm trying to talk your mom into seeing the doctor.

She might be going through the change.

Hey.

You don't have to tell everybody about this.

I don't want people to think I am less than a woman.

Yeah, God forbid that secret gets out.

When was the last time you saw your gynecologist? - Oh, it's been a few years.

- Well, how many years? Well, let's see.

Uh I was lying on my back, full of dr*gs, George was crying So it was either the day he was born or Christmas 1973.

You haven't been to the doctor in 37 years? You should be ashamed of yourself.

Come on.

They always find something wrong with you.

That's how they make their money.

Look, Mom.

If there's a problem, you gotta deal with this.

You gotta go to the doctor tomorrow, even if I gotta take you.

You are gonna take me to the gynecologist? Yeah.

But I'll wear my headphones so I don't hear gynecologist say, "Oh, my God, I quit!" Well, Mom and I are off to the gyno.

Look at you.

You're all dressed up.

Well, I figured I'd feel less cheap if I had some nice heels in the stirrups.

Well, Mom and I are off to the gyno.

Hey, mambo kings.

[GEORGE SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

Grandpa's teaching me the secrets of the conga.

Listen to the heartbeat of Cuba, eh? [BOTH SINGING IN SPANISH]

[VIC LAUGHING]

Can't one raft of horn players make it to Miami? Thank you, Mama.

You won't regret this.

What won't your mother regret? Listen, Daddy.

I know Mom was unfaithful, but I think the two of you can work this out if you can sit down in the same room together.

No, mi jita.

There's nothing to work out, eh? It's over.

It's done.

It's deader than Castro's eyes.

Daddy, if it were really over, would she be flying here tomorrow night to see you? - She's flying here? - Yes.

So you'll talk to her? - Absolutely.

- Thank you, Daddy.

It'll be a pleasure to tell her to her face that she's a lying, cheating jezebel who will burn in hell with her lover, boiling in a soup of their own treachery.

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

This is awkward, huh? I'm here with my mom too.

I'm his wife.

It's still awkward.

Mom, are you all right? No, no.

Not really.

Come on.

You're taking this too hard.

Every woman goes through the change.

- It's nothing to be ashamed of.

- George, I got the clap! What? Mom, you're old enough to be responsible.

How could you let this happen? Did Randy pressure you into doing something you were uncomfortable with? Yeah.

He did.

He told me that it would be okay, and that all the cool grandmas are doing it.

I'm gonna k*ll him for giving me this.

This is why I didn't want you to date.

You're too old.

You should be closing up the shop by now.

Well, the shop is still open, and now there's a cleanup in Aisle 2! - Mrs.

Lopez.

- What? You didn't complete some questions on your medical record.

- Would you like to come back inside? - No, let's do it out here.

The last time I went in there, you guys gave me the dripsies.

See, your birth date.

You only wrote a four.

Give me that.

Okay.

And your second pregnancy.

Now, did you carry that to full term? Second pregnancy? Mom, what the hell is she talking about? You know what? I forgot to tell you you have a sister.

Let's finish this inside.

You're not gonna believe this, Angie.

I just found out my mom gave away a sister I never knew I had! - George - No, wait! It gets better.

And the only way that I found out is because my mom has gonorrhea.

George, this is Janet.

She's a customer.

I'm showing her sunscreens because she's taking a lovely trip to Mexico.

How would you feel about taking an itchy old lady with you? Just take the sunscreens.

I'll bill you later.

What is going on? First you have a father, and now you have a sister? How many family members are you hiding from him? You know what? Don't judge me.

After Manny walked out on us, then I found out I was pregnant.

I already had a 2-year-old and no money.

I did what I had to do.

So you gave up my sister just like that? I made sure she went to a good family.

Why didn't you do that for me? Benny, have you stayed in touch with her? - Does she even know about us? - Oh, crap.

Here we go.

Mom, this is my sister.

I wanna know about her.

What's the name of the family that adopted her? Let's see.

Wait.

Wait.

It was Mr.

And Mrs.

Mind-Your-Own-Business- You're-Lucky-l-Kept-You-Berg.

- Names, Mom.

- For God's sake.

It was the Lorenzos.

You remember.

They used to live down the street.

Does she know that she's adopted? How should I know? They moved out of the neighborhood.

- I bet I can find them.

- No.

Hey, you know what? You stay out of this.

It's between me and your father.

- So Manny knows about this? - No.

It's between me and me.

Leave it alone.

Leave it alone.

Ta loca.

Leave it alone.

All right.

Well, thanks a lot.

I appreciate it.

Uh-huh.

Bye.

What are you doing? I got up early.

I've been on the computer searching for your sister.

I cross-checked every Lorenzo in California with the year your sister was born.

I've narrowed it down to 20.

Well.

I slept in.

Took a long shower.

Read the sports page.

Then I called my mom's neighbor and found out where the Lorenzos moved.

It's that one right there.

But look at you.

Surfing the web.

You rock! Did you call her? Not yet.

I found out she works for the Valley school district.

When her office opens, I'll go down and meet her.

- What are you gonna say to her? - I'm gonna play it by ear.

Gotta figure out whether she knows she's adopted.

- Yeah.

- I'll take it from there.

But her name's Linda.

"Hey.

Give me five bucks.

I'll let you watch my sister Linda change.

" That sounds nice, huh? [VIC SPEAKS IN SPANISH]

- Can you iron this shirt? - Sure, Daddy.

- Did you trim your eyebrows? - Oh, just one.

Put an arch in it.

Makes me look interested when people are talking, as if I'm saying, "Is that so?" You're gonna dress up for Mom tonight, aren't you? That's tonight? Completely forgot about it.

- Daddy, I know when you're lying.

- Is that so? All right, mi nina, but I was rehearsing how I was going to tell her off, but then I got to thinking.

A marriage takes two people.

Maybe I worked too much.

Maybe I neglected her.

Maybe I didn't tell her enough how beautiful she was, or maybe I told her too much.

Maybe you annoyed her into another man's arms.

I have a good feeling about this, Daddy.

We are gonna be a family again.

And George, he's gonna meet his sister for the first time in 35 years.

This is so beautiful.

My mom, my dad, you, your sister.

Two families are coming together.

[ANGIE SOBBING]

I'll catch you later.

Oh, what's the matter, princess? You gain half a pound? Benny, that hurts.

But it doesn't burn.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Come in.

- Linda Lorenzo? - Yes.

George Lopez? We spoke on the phone.

I'm with the Latino Association of Dyslexics.

L-A-D, I think, right? Have a seat.

Oh, look at you.

Linda Lorenzo.

I can't believe I'm face-to-face with my own superintendent of the Valley school district.

I normally don't take unscheduled meetings but your cause hits close to home because I'm dyslexic.

You know, me too.

It runs in your family, right? Actually, not.

I know it's usually genetic, but it's kind of a mystery where mine came from.

Huh Interesting.

- Got a lot of pictures of your family.

- Yeah.

We're very close.

- Wow, that's a nice one.

- Oh, yes.

I miss Cupcake so much.

He was my childhood pony.

You had a pony? I had to swim in a trash can.

What? Oh, I'm sorry.

Gulf w*r Mr.

Lopez.

What can I do for your organization? Well, I thought that since we're both Latinos and this is a nation Oh, actually, I'm not Latina.

I'm Italian, but, heh-heh, I get that all the time.

Heh, heh, heh.

You think you're Italian.

I don't think I'm Italian.

I am Italian.

Siciliana.

We visit Sicily every year.

We go to this little church where my mother prays to her patron saint for helping to conceive me.

So this Italian woman she gave birth to you? Yes.

That's why I call her "Mom.

" You see, the reason I ask is that a lot of dyslexic kids had unhappy childhoods.

- Did you ever wish you had different parents? - Never.

My parents gave me so much love and encouragement.

My mom even quit work to tutor me.

I'm really lucky.

Yeah, you are.

Well, I think I've taken enough of your time.

But what about LAD? Oh.

Forget about it.

Let it go.

- What was that? - Oh, it's for our dyslexia newsletter.

It's all pictures.

You take care of yourself.

And watch your blood pressure.

[KNOCKING]

I got your message.

Why aren't you at work today, baby doll? You disgusting piece of crap! Oh, we're playing that game.

All right, you dirty little garden gnome! It's not a game, you idiot! You gave me an STD.

- What're you talking about? - You gave me the clap.

Now, who have you been whoring around with, huh? Just you, Benny.

Just you.

You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Why would I do anything to mess that up? I swear, I didn't know I had it.

Well, the tramp you were with before me must have given you a little going-away present.

Benny, I'm I'm so sorry.

You know what? Just tell it to the clinic.

You're gonna be taking penicillin for two weeks.

Well maybe this is a blessing.

L I mean, we can just talk and get to know each other and really open up.

Right.

Or maybe you can call me when you've finished your meds and b*rned the blanket in the back of your truck.

- I'm gonna miss you, baby.

- Back off, outbreak! Get on.

Daddy, you look great.

I don't think Mommy's gonna be able to resist you.

BENNY: Ooh! Whoa.

I think you're taking this too seriously, Vic.

Why don't you take some of that cologne and put it on a rag pop it over her mouth and drag her away, huh? Perhaps I should air myself out in the backyard.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, no vomit.

Honey.

What happened? Did you meet your sister? - What? I told you to leave it alone.

- Well, I didn't.

And I met her.

And she's very happy and she's very successful.

So I guess those two minutes she spent with you didn't ruin her.

When are we gonna meet her? We're not.

She doesn't know she's adopted, I won't tell her.

Good.

Took a picture of her, though.

Oh.

She's got big eyes.

- What? I kind of surprised her with the camera.

- Oh.

- Mom, you wanna see? - No.

[PHONE RINGING]

ANGIE: Oh, I got it.

Hello? Hi.

Hm.

You are being so selfish.

How can you do this to Daddy and to me? No, I don't understand, and I don't wanna understand.

Someone smell me.

What is it? Mom just called.

She's not coming.

Oh.

Daddy Hey, guys.

Look at the blanket Randy threw out.

Heh, heh, heh.

Hey, hey, hey.

You are doing it all wrong.

Listen and learn.

Don't play it like you're k*lling a bug.

Think of the congas as a woman and then play them like you're making love to her.

I got it.