03x11 - Mementos

[bunniefuu]

Hey.

- How was church? - Fine.

Father Rick called you one of the angels among us because you're donating a kidney to your dad.

I like that.

You know, Angie, if those pews reclined and the priests would give the Raiders scores, I'd go to church every Sunday.

- Dad, what are you doing? - Some stuff around the house.

After the surgery, I'm gonna be laid up for a while.

Your father's getting off his butt and doing things around here.

He knows I'm not crazy about him giving up a kidney.

Max, that's the sound of someone who goes to church all the time but never gets mentioned in the sermon.

Dad, I was wondering what if your kidney's like your head and it's too big for grandpa? Then we'll have to find a smaller kidney, huh? Give me your butter Kn*fe and I'll pop yours out right here.

Heh, heh.

- Max.

Help me out, grab that box.

- Okay.

Dad, can I have this? I can put my skateboard stickers in it.

I guess.

Yeah, it's just a bunch of old buttons and threads and stuff.

Hey, take that box out for me, all right? It's my Mr.

Megaphone.

The white zone is for loading and unloading only.

Dad, I thought you said it was broken.

Actually, Max, the siren sounds a little weak.

Let me check this out over here.

Oh, here's the problem, son.

All the wires are hanging out.

Hello? Hello? Carmen, you're beautiful on the inside.

They all don't hate you.

You'll find something you're good at.

There'll be other boys.

You probably need some time alone.

See you tomorrow morning, honey.

Dad, I went to, like, 15 stores at the mall.

Nobody wants to give me a job.

Since when are you looking for a job? Well, I just got my learner's permit, so I'm trying to save up for a car.

My baby's growing up.

It seems like just yesterday you were my little girl on a tricycle.

Now you're gonna be a young woman in a car, running over a little girl on a tricycle.

Hey, I'm gonna be a good driver, but I really need my own car.

Look, if you really want a car that bad, I could help you find a job.

Really? Where? Tell me it's the record or the clothing store? Oh, my God.

Is it a receptionist at a male-modeling agency? Well, I could make a call.

You know, after I stopped modeling, I did keep up my contacts.

And Travis so owes me.

Dad.

Dad? Where's the job? I'll talk to Mr.

Carrillo.

No, not Mr.

Carrillo! I don't wanna work at some crappy dive folding burritos.

I worked there all through high school.

You'd be lucky to have a boss like Mr.

Carrillo.

What if one of my friends sees me? Well, it would be less embarrassing than being a senior and roller skating to all the parties.

All right, fine.

I'll do it.

Dad.

There's no more room in the trash cans.

Okay, well, leave that there and I'll take it with me to the dump.

Hey, George.

Heh, heh.

I bought you a whole bunch of Clint Eastwood movies for when you're recovering from surgery.

Clint! All right, that's my man! The Bridges of Madison County.

Heh-heh-heh.

You know that's a love story with Meryl Streep? I don't care, as long as he blows up the bridges.

- Max, what are you doing with that box? - Dad gave it to me.

He was gonna throw it away.

Listen to me carefully.

Where are the things that were inside this box? It was just thread and stuff.

Dad threw it out.

Oh, no.

George.

- I don't see it.

- Dad took the trash to the dump.

What's wrong, Mom? This box was full of mementos of my grandmother.

Those were the only things I had left of her.

Pick up, George, or you're a dead man.

Hey, Mom.

It's Max.

Did you get a hold of Dad? Someone owes money to the swear jar.

This place brings back such great memories.

Right there.

That's where Sonia Garcia said she wouldn't go the prom with me.

And right there.

This is where Sonia Garcia said, "I'm serious, I won't go to the prom with you.

" And right here.

This is where Sonia Garcia's boyfriend b*at me up.

- Hey, Carmen.

- Hey, Mr.

Carrillo.

And my favorite all-time employee.

- And the only delivery guy I ever fired.

- Hey, it's rough out there.

You try riding your bike through g*ng territory with 50 burritos under your arm.

They totally disrespect your bell.

Hey, George.

I heard in church you're donating a kidney to your dad.

Yeah, well, you know.

Are you worried? I mean, I hear all these horror stories about doctors taking out the wrong parts.

I was gonna draw a circle over my kidney but I don't know where it is, so I'm gonna swallow a picture of kidney that says: "It looks like this, fool.

" I'm sure you'll be just fine, mijo.

So can I get you anything? Well, actually, Salvador, I got a big favor to ask.

I was wondering if you would hire a second-generation Lopez.

Carmen's a hard worker and she's honest.

- I can't pay her much.

- She'll take it.

- I don't do bathrooms.

- Nobody here does.

You know what? If you're half the worker your dad was, you got the job.

We'll try you out tomorrow.

Okay, but do I have to wear a uniform? Ohh.

You know what? You can wear anything you want, under this and this.

Oh, no.

No, no thank you.

No! - Hey, I had to wear one, okay? Relax.

- Yeah.

And, George, I still have your hair net.

The onions stretched it out.

They did.

Stop.

This is the ugly patrol.

You must pay a $5 ugly fine.

You too, Dad.

Yeah, that's right.

Mom fixed Mr.

Megaphone.

She did a nice job.

Let me check that out.

So? You finally cleaned out the hall closet, huh? That's right, baby.

Got rid of everything.

- Threw away the broken toaster? - Oh, yeah.

The busted blender? All of the precious, irreplaceable mementos from my grandmother, who d*ed when I was 10 years old? Who likes taquitos? Well, I would love one, if it was filled with my grandmother's precious, one-of-a-kind, irreplaceable mementos.

They're beef.

Wherever you threw it out, go get it.

Right now.

I can't.

I took it to the dump.

By now, it's probably buried under three tons of other people's irreplaceable mementos.

How could you throw it out? Look, what was the box doing in the closet with all the other junk? Not everything in that closet is junk.

I've told you 20 times I love all the things in that box.

You never listen to me.

Well, if you told me 20 times, you should probably realize I'm not a very good listener.

So maybe the blame isn't all mine.

How can you be so heartless? Doesn't anything have sentimental value to you? It was a box full of buttons and thread.

Angie, that's just stuff! George, I have told you this before.

My grandmother, Consuelo, worked her whole life as a seamstress until she lost her eyesight.

- Blind! - Oh, k*ll it.

Blind, she made my communion dress and had it smuggled out of Cuba.

The dress was destroyed in a fire at the dry cleaners and all I had left were those buttons and that thread.

Well, maybe if the box had a picture of a little dress on fire we wouldn't be having this problem.

Angie, okay, look.

Maybe all that stuff didn't get tossed out.

What's this on the floor? It's one of the buttons.

From the box.

Of valuable stuff.

I hate you.

This is the worst thing you've ever done.

It's like you k*lled my grandmother all over again.

I'm gonna get that.

Don't say anything good.

Angie, I got a lot on my mind, okay? I'm having a kidney taken out in a couple days and I wasn't thinking.

I'm sorry! - Um - Not now, Benny.

Manny just d*ed.

What? George your dad's dead.

Hey, George, I heard about your dad.

I'm very sorry.

Thanks.

- When's the service? - It's Saturday in Arizona.

- We're leaving tomorrow.

- Well, I'm not going.

I was married to the guy.

I saw enough of him laying down and not moving.

Benny, don't speak ill of the dead.

You know, when the dead abandons you with a baby and you gotta work two jobs to keep food on the table, I will say whatever I want.

Drop it.

You know, maybe I should go to that funeral, huh? I wanna be a woman of my word, and I always told him I would dance on his grave.

Now, people say they'll do it but they don't.

Look, this is all your fault! What are you talking about, George? I didn't k*ll him.

You did to me.

If you hadn't lied and told me he was dead, I could've found him years ago.

I could've gotten to know him.

I could have had a real relationship with him.

He knew you weren't dead but he didn't come rushing back to find you.

Yeah, because you were there.

I used to feel bad that he walked out on you.

Now I feel bad he didn't take me with him.

Psst! Just so you know I'm missing a Band-Aid I had before I made the guacamole.

Max? Can you come down here? What are you doing, honey? Well, they might ask people to say a few words at the funeral so just writing down some thoughts.

- You wanna run them by me? - Okay.

"As many of you know, my dad meant a lot to people.

Not just as a husband and a father, but as a licensed and bonded contractor in the Phoenix area for over 25 years.

" What are you doing? Angie, I got nothing.

I punched him, he threw me in jail.

I offered him a kidney, he d*ed.

That's like five seconds.

So I'm getting some more stuff off his company's website.

"My father didn't just love people.

He loved b*ating any written estimate.

Equal opportunity employer.

Also habla la Espanol.

" Max, Grandma's gonna watch you while we're in Phoenix.

- Remember the ground rules, right? - Mm-hm.

- If she falls asleep in front of the TV? - Make sure her cigarette is out.

- And if she drinks more than a six-pack? - Lay her on her side.

Oh.

And she's not supposed to, but if she brings over her boyfriend, Randy? Ignore the yelling.

They're just roughhousing.

I'll get it.

Let's get this over with.

- The number to our hotel in Phoenix.

- When will you be back? The funeral's sometime tomorrow but we haven't been able to talk to Lydia to find out all the details.

- Thanks for watching the kids.

- No problem.

I love kids.

Give them the best years of your life.

Feed them.

Clothe them.

And then they turn on you.

Oh, no, Mom.

You'll know when I turn on you.

You'll wake up with the full weight of my knees on your shoulders and the pillow will slowly come over you and you'll see a bright light but that's only Angie, videotaping at the foot of the bed.

This is for you, Dad.

It's from Manny.

What does it say? "Dear George.

I wanted to give you this watch in person but the doctors say my time is running out.

I probably won't even live long enough to" Oh, my God.

He d*ed right there? He didn't even finish the letter.

No, I can't read this word.

"Benefit.

" - That's a V.

- It's a B.

"live long enough to benefit from your kidney.

" Okay, it's a B.

"This watch was my father's.

He gave it to me and I wanna give it to you, my son.

" Yeah, you're right, Mom, huh? He didn't care about me.

I'm glad I never got to know him! "By the time you read this, I'll be gone.

But I have one thing to ask of you.

I'm afraid I couldn't tell my friends and associates in Phoenix about you.

I have a reputation in the community that would be tarnished if it became known that I abandoned a wife and child.

So it would be better if you didn't come to the funeral.

" "Thank you for honoring this last request.

" - He doesn't want me to come.

- I'm sorry, honey.

I was gonna give him a kidney.

And he doesn't want me to tarnish his funeral.

And I'm supposed to keep this to remember him by? You see, this is why it's just stuff.

You missed the best part of the letter, Mom.

Yeah? Yeah, my dead father doesn't want me to come to his funeral.

His friends don't know he ditched us.

So it wouldn't be good for his reputation.

What can I say, George? You were right.

Yeah.

For once, I wish I was wasn't.

Hey, at least you got that jackass's gold watch.

That thing was worth a fortune when we were together.

I can't imagine what it's worth now.

I think it's gone down in value.

Listen, I've been thinking.

The reason I don't have any mementos is because I didn't have a lot of good things to remember growing up.

But you did, so I should understand that.

So make up for throwing out your grandmother's stuff I called all your relatives and tried to track down a picture or some clothing.

Something from her.

That is so sweet.

I couldn't find crap.

So instead, I made us a reservation for a little getaway.

"Hotel Nationale.

" George, this is in Cuba.

I want you to visit where your grandmother grew up.

But I promised my dad I wouldn't go to Cuba until Castro was gone or I was part of an airborne invasion force.

Well, look at the date.

I figure by then either Castro will be dead or your dad will be so senile we can take him to Malibu and tell him it's Cuba.

You know what? You may not have had a great father but our kids sure do.

And they're gonna want things to remember you by.

I guess.

Max.

I want you to have this wrapper.

As a memento of the day your dad ate a mint.

Max.

I want you to have my shoe.

As a memento of the day you saw me b*at your father with it.

Ow! All right.

The bathroom is now clean.

No one use it.

Max, take a good look at your sister.

I wish there was a lesson here, son, but she just looks like an idiot, so enjoy.

This job sucks.

Well, I've gotta use the bathroom.

I wouldn't take those gloves off.

You've seen my work at home.