03x05 - Call Me Uncle Dad

[bunniefuu]

Innkeeper! Another round!

(TO CHIA PET TUNE): Ch-Ch-Ch-Chee-eers!

- Thank you, Carter.
- Yeah.

And, uh, here you go, Carter.

(LAUGHS)

What I want to know is, does
the carpet match the bushes?

Don't be a ho-ho-ho in front of Santa.

I'm not Santa.

I'm Euclid, the father of geometry.

Not Euclid of Alexandria,
Euclid of Megara. Duh.

Well, I don't know about
Eu-clid, but Eu-dumb.

(IMITATES CARTER'S LAUGH)

That is what I would say. (LAUGHS)

I was having trouble finding
this place with a helmet on,

but then I realized... this is the way.

(LAUGHTER)

(GROANS, PANTS)

Nanu-nanu, everyone. (LAUGHS)

Hey, Santa.

When parallel lines extend
infinitely and never intersect,

is that called Santa's law?!

I don't know, but if there was a
cop show called Santa's Law,

I'm watching it. (LAUGHS)

Okay, you got to get up out of my head.

Seems kind of dead for
Hallo-Octoweenerfest.

The concept couldn't be more clear.

It combines the best of
Halloween and Oktoberfest

with pounds of sausage I bought

from a guy at the airport.

(WITH GERMAN ACCENT): Guten Tag.

Free wieners, fahrvergnügen?

Okay, baby, I love you, but
this Hallo-Octoweenerfest

is the stupidest idea you've ever had.

Oh, I'm being Randi now.

Uh, if you want more people,

why not just have a Ladies' Night?

Carter's right, Carter.

Then the number of men in the bar

will be equal to the
number of women in the bar

multiplied by the number of
drinks at half price. (LAUGHS)

Okay, I'm Santa, and
you're all getting coal.

Ah. Hello, all.

Happy... whatever this fiasco is.

Sheila, we told you we
were all gonna dress up.

I know. I'm going as Drunk Sheila.

Let me get into costume.

Oh. Got rejected again.

Like, you stalk one sperm
donor, and all of a sudden,

you're banned from every
spank bank in Kentucky.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Maybe it's a sign I'm just
never gonna be a mother.

Your hideous Santa
outfit was a bigger sign.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYS QUIETLY)

Kat?

Over here!

Why are you wearing that
helmet if you can't see?

Because I look cool.

Do you?

(GROANS) Big talk
coming from Math Santa.

Can I ask you a question?

If you want to be Carter next year, no,

- I already called it.
- (LAUGHS)

I was thinking about...

(SIGHS)

Well...

what if I fathered your child?

Are you serious?

Yeah.

Wow.

You don't think it'd be weird?

It's only weird if you make it weird.

I'm currently wearing a beard

and historically accurate underwear.

- I make everything weird.
- (LAUGHS)

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Max, I never thought

about asking someone I
know to father my baby.

Why not?

I'd be helping someone I love
by doing something I love.

Would you want to be
involved in their life?

If you want. I could be, like,
a cool uncle who's also a dad.

You know, buy him beer,
give him the sex talk,

show him how to clear
his browser history.

(LAUGHS)

So, what do you think?

♪ ♪

Hello, Mother.

Hello, sweetie. How was your game?

We won, but the part I liked best

was working together as a team.

You should've seen him. He
scored all the team's points

and sang a medley of
showtunes at halftime.

And at school I got all
A's and said "no" to dr*gs.

Oh, Max Jr., you must be the
most popular boy at school.

(LAUGHS) I'm gonna leave you two alone.

I'll be back when it's
most convenient for you

regardless of my life and schedule.

Bye, sport.

- Bye, Uncle Dad!
- Bye!

(DOOR CLOSES)

I think we should do it.

Yes! SilverBird flies again!

(KAT LAUGHS)

And-and I don't mean do it.

I mean, make a baby. 'Cause,
like, we wouldn't be doing it.

You know, you'd be masturbating. Like...

- Right.
- (WHISTLES)

(IMITATES HOOFBEATS)

(IMITATES OLD-TIMEY CAR HORN)

And now it's weird.

It's how I do. (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, Katharine, you've made me
the happiest woman in the world.

Hopefully, Max's genes
will offset all of... this.

Hopefully, my mothering
skills will offset all of this.

So you and Max are finally
gonna mash potatoes?

Nobody's mashing potatoes.

He's just... giving her his gravy.

Oh!

Yeah, we're gonna use
the eggs that I froze.

It's all gonna be done in a lab.

But I did request that
they play "Let's Get It On."

- (DRILL WHIRRING)
- Oh, damn. My boyfriend's

on a ladder with a power tool.

Somebody dial the first
two numbers of .

Carter, what are you doing?

Your idea. We're having a Ladies' Night.

Check it out.

"Ladies drink for half price,
free sausage tonight only."

Yeah, but it looks like,

"Ladies for free tonight,
drink half-price sausage only."

Hmm. I'd go to that bar.

Oh, excuse me, ladies.

We haven't been this busy

since they used this
place as a storm shelter.

I mean, Hurricane Chelsea
was Hurricane Cha-Ching.

(LAUGHS) Well, I don't
like to say I told you so,

but I'm beautiful, smart, and
not humble, so I told you so.

- (LAUGHS)
- Yeah, Middle C is poppin'.

It's getting Orville
Redenbacher up in here.

Come on, Kat. You can
do "butter" than that.

(KAT CACKLES)

- I hope our baby's not too funny.
- Right?

Right? (LAUGHS)

This is why we need more Black friends.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, my goodness, it's Queen Dicktoria!

- Oh.
- She's my absolute favorite drag queen.

Oh. Stunning!

She puts all the women here to shame.

- This is where you say, "Not you, Sheila."
- Oh.

Martini, mojito and
a double tequila sh*t.

- Girl, what did he do?
- (LAUGHTER)

We all love your hair.

Well, let me let you
in on a little secret.

I'm thinking about growing it out.

(LAUGHTER)

Carter's got some fans tonight.

Yeah, I've surrounded my boyfriend

with young, hot, drunk women.

Should've just let
him die on that ladder.

Queen Dicktoria, this is my friend Phil.

- Hello.
- Enchanté, Your Vag-esty.

- (LAUGHS)
- Phil's a performer, too.

- Oh.
- He once clogged

in the country dancers
show at Dollywood.

Could I see some of that clogging?

Oh, you don't want to see
an old man like me dance.

I'm sorry. Are you
refusing a royal request?

So, are you nervous

about whisking up the
old baby batter tomorrow?

Don't worry. I got this.

I spent six months sleeping
in a trailer with two clowns

and a trapeze artist, and
I still got my reps in.

Two clowns and a trapeze artist?

Is that what you call your
junk in front of the trunk?

No, it's when I was with the
traveling circus in England.

You were in the circus?

Yeah, I was doing my field
work and finishing my degree.

And one night, I got really drunk,

and well, when I woke up,
I worked for the circus.

You know how it goes.

I-I do not know how that goes.

Although this one time,
I got pretty drunk,

and I ate a third of a box of Total.

That is a young woman's game.

- (CHUCKLES)
- Mm.

What did you do in the circus?

Oh, a bunch of stuff.
Uh, played in the band,

set up the tents,

helped the cute contortionist limber up.

When did you finish your degree?

So that's kind of my
dirty little secret.

I never graduated.

(LAUGHS)

I can't believe you never
told me this. You're...

(WHISPERING): You're a drop-out?

What's the big deal?

I mean, I'm a musician.

For me, a degree was kind of pointless.

You know, like... like flossing.

Oh, so... so now you're against
higher education, and oral hygiene?

Max, do you like nothing fun?

I'm just saying, you have a
degree, and you own a cat café.

Yeah, and getting that degree taught me

about hard work and perseverance.

You want to talk about
hard work and perseverance?

Spend six years putting up
a circus tent in a wind storm

while a mime goes...

Six years?

Well, it wasn't six years nonstop.

I'd work a few months, drift around,

sleeping where I could.

There's a lot of abandoned
castles in Europe.

It was awesome.

Yeah, that-that doesn't sound awesome.

Trust me, if you're in the Greek isles,

and you look like me, it's awesome.

(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)

- All right now.
- (BELL CLANGS)

Closing time!

Lights coming up.

A lot of you eights
about to turn into fours.

Babe, what are you doing?

Nobody rings that bell but me.

And you.

It's : a.m. You
usually close at midnight.

Yeah, but my friends are still
drinking, and we're having fun.

Oh. Did you know that you
can make your p*rn name

by combining the name of your first pet

and the street that you grew up on?

I'm Corky th.

Oh, so is that what you and
your friends talk about? p*rn?

Oh. Well, we talk about a lot of stuff.

Like, Monica's going through
a divorce, Tina's a single mom,

and Lauren... Well, Lauren
does talk about p*rn a lot.

She's got daddy issues.

I cannot believe how late it is.

Oh, I know. When I get home,
I'm gonna tuck myself in.

Which is not the first
time I've done that tonight.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Well, I... I'm so
glad I got to meet you.

Me, too. Maybe we'll run into
each other again sometime?

Well, I'm the baker at the
coffee shop across the way.

I'd brag about my sticky buns,

but that's no way to talk to a lady.

Honey, I may be a
queen, but I'm no lady.

- Oh! (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

(PHIL SIGHS)

Good night, Phil.

Night night.

(DOOR OPENS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Oh.

♪ ♪

What's up?

Hi, sweetie. How was school?

Yeah, I didn't go.

What?! You skipped school?

Yeah.

I'm gonna drop out, play music,

and get with circus
chicks just like Uncle Dad.

Yeah, buddy. Quitters for life! (GROANS)

But what about your future?

Mom, it's okay. I'm good-looking.

That's my boy.

I'm gonna go clear my browser history.

(GASPS) That settles it.

No child of mine is
gonna be good-looking!

(TV PLAYS QUIETLY)

Hey, baby. What you still doing up?

Oh.

You want a little bit of Corky th?

It's almost : in the morning.

Sorry. I got stuck

in a rainstorm! (LAUGHS)

Well, I'm glad you had a good night.

Now can you pick up all this money

that's covered in hoochie cooties?

Hold up. What's going on?

Are you jealous?

- (SCOFFS) No!
- Huh?

I think you are. That's
the same face you made

when I took the last Cheddar
Bay Biscuit at Red Lobster.

Excuse you. I am a
strong, independent woman.

I don't get jealous. And
that biscuit was mine.

- You had two, and I only had one!
- Mm.

Which is why I'm gonna buy
you all the biscuits you want

to go with that jelly!

And-and... and just so you know,

you looked really stupid
trying to be all flirty.

Well, I was being charming.
That's just good business.

And what do you know about business?

Well, I know enough to have
a lot more Ladies' Nights.

Fine. That's okay. I
don't even give a damn.

It's a bad move picking a
fight a week before Lobsterfest!

(GROANS)

Hi.

You ready to go? I'm parked
in a red zone, and I really

don't want to explain to a
cop that I'm about to go...

(WHISTLES, IMITATES CARTOON NOISES)

... for a friend.

Wow. That sounds stressful.

Maybe we should postpone.

I've heard that stressed-out
sperm can lead to redheads.

I don't want to postpone.

They made me abstain for three days

before this appointment.

I had to shower wearing oven mitts.

Are we rushing into this?

I mean, yes, we're great friends,

but would we be great parents?

Like, you're a little bit country,

I'm a little bit rock and roll.

You're Netflix, I'm more Hulu.

Hello, Hulu viewers.

I hope you're enjoying
Season Three, Episode Five.

Are you getting cold feet?

You're gonna be a great mom.

You're patient, you're nurturing.

- Yeah, I'm not worried about me.
- Oh.

Oh, so you're worried about me?

I-I'm worried about my child.

I-I want to make sure

I give them every
opportunity to succeed.

Oh, okay.

I get it now.

You don't think I'm good
enough to be the father?

Max, you're-you're great.
It's just, like, um...

I think higher education
is really important.

You dropped out of
school to join the circus

and make pervy pretzels
with the bendy girls.

- And you're so perfect?
- Well, I... I... I didn't say that.

Because there are things about you

that I wouldn't want to see in my kid.

Really? Like what?

Clumsy, allergic to avocado,

mean to only person who
wants to give her sperm.

I'm not allergic to avocado.

I use it as a test to make
sure the waiter's listening.

- You know what? Do whatever you want.
- Wait.

You're just gonna leave
mid-argument? God, Max,

it's like you can't finish anything.

Oh, I'm gonna finish something.

And then I'm gonna take a nap,
and I'm gonna finish it again!

♪ Believe it or not
I'm cloggin' on air ♪

♪ I never thought I could
feel so free-ee-ee. ♪

(LAUGHS)

Is this all to impress Queen Dicktoria?

Did she tell you she was stopping by?

No, but she knows I work here,

and the last thing she said was

maybe she'll run into me sometime.

Ooh. Sounds to me like you got curved.

Totes Magee.

What's curved?

What the hell is Totes Magee?

"Curved" is just a gentle
way of turning you down.

Like, did she offer
to give you her number?

- No.
- Or ask for yours?

Oh, no. (SNIFFLES)

I done been curved.

Oh!

(PHIL CRIES)

- Hey, Carter.
- Hey.

Me and my friends
want to get some sh*ts.

Oh, okay. You got it. Tequila? Whiskey?

- Body.
- I'll be right over.

I don't think Randi would like this.

I don't even know why Randi's mad.

I mean, this was her idea.

Except for the penis
straws. That was all Darren.

(DARREN LAUGHS)

Carter, if I was lucky enough to
be dating someone who loves me,

they'd always come
first, no matter what.

Hey, Darren,

I'm gonna need you to handle
three vodka body sh*ts.

Can't do it.

Objectifies women.

- They're doing 'em off of you.
- Oh, hell yeah!

I can't get the new
microwave to turn on.

Damn it. The airport sausage
guy promised me it worked.

Man, I don't know who to trust anymore!

Kat.

Max.

I'm Phil, and I'll take a Chardonnay.

Didn't know you still worked here.

Helping out a friend.

It's something I do.

Most of my friends appreciate it.

I'd appreciate a Chardonnay.

Good luck with your sperm hunting.

Oh, thank you.

That was meant for Kat,

- and it was meant to be mean.
- Oh.

Joke's on you. I took it as a
sincere wish from a good friend!

In your face!

Oh, my God. Has my royal
drag queen finally arrived?

Close. That's my mother.

Hi. Thank you so much
for coming down to...

- So you screwed it up with Max?
- ... support me.

Guess we should pour one out
for the end of the family line.

Mother, he quit school, he
bummed around Europe for years.

He's comfortable masturbating
in a trailer full of clowns.

Oh, please, Katharine.

In my dorm at Wellesley,

you could barely sleep
over the din of vibrators.

You'd think it was a barber college.

- (DOOR OPENS)
- CARTER: Hey.

- Hey.
- I only got a minute.

I left Darren in charge, and
I bought the fire extinguishers

from the airport sausage guy.

What's up?

I'm sorry.

I knew you weren't happy
about Ladies' Night,

and I had another one anyway.

I should've cared more
about your feelings.

I'm so pissed right now.

What?! I-I just apologized.

You can't get pissed.

I even used the word "feelings."

I'm pissed... 'cause I love you so much

that I'm doing dumb stuff
like getting jealous.

Ha! See, I knew you were jealous.

And... it brings me no joy.

I guess I've never had someone
I cared about losing this much.

Baby, you're not gonna lose me.

You sure?

Cross my hair, hope to die.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Oh, well, do you have
to rush back to the bar,

or can I get a few
minutes with Corky th?

Oh, I should get you
pissed at me more often.

(LAUGHS) Honestly, I'm just trying

to make sure I'm back
in for Lobsterfest.

- Yes. (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS)

The bathroom's out of toilet paper.

Tina, you drank vodka
out of my belly button.

I am not your husband.

I'll grab some from the back.

And, Tina, make better choices.

Excuse me. Mind if I sit here?

Be my guest. I was just about to leave.

That's a shame. I was hoping
you'd give me a clogging lesson.

Your Majesty?

She's off tonight.
You can call me Jalen.

But I do love a good curtsy.

(LAUGHING): Oh.

Look how far down you can go.

Oh, My Highness, you
ain't seen nothing yet.

Seriously? One-ply?

Might as well scoot on
the floor like a puppy.

Oh.

That seems to be for me.

I probably shouldn't look.

Oops!

Kat?

Oh, I-I didn't open
it. It just fell out.

Shut up. It did.

I was gonna give that to
you when I thought we were...

You can just throw it away.

This is from you?

I had it made for the baby.

You know. Silver. Kingbird.

SilverBird.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

"A SilverBird Production."

Yeah, 'cause I was gonna be the
dad, and you were gonna be the...

(SIGHS) Well, you know how babies work.

Wait. Max?

Yeah.

MAX: Mmm.

What was that for?

I'm sorry for thinking

that you wouldn't be the
perfect father for our child.

Really?

Or... just plain perfect.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.

I can be bendy, too, like
those circus girls, so...

Oh.

You okay?

That's a young woman's game.

♪ It's a new day, I've got a new way ♪

♪ Gonna show up and make a new way ♪

♪ Let's make it happen,
get you clappin' ♪

♪ Bring that passion ♪

♪ Oh, oh-oh-oh, let's do it like this ♪

♪ It's that feeling, can't conceal it ♪

♪ Jump on the ceiling, oh, oh-oh-oh ♪

♪ Let's do it like this,
let's do it like this. ♪