01x01 - A Bunch Of Smart Orphans

[bunniefuu]

Most people care about the truth.

(fanfare music)

MAN: Kate the Great, ladies and gentlemen.

BENEDICT: But most people,

given proper persuasion,
can be diverted from it.

(upbeat music)

Fortunately, there are some who possess
an unusually powerful love of the truth.

What is the second-least
populous Asian capital?

Thimphu, Bhutan.

- QUESTIONER: Correct!
- (audience cheer)

PHOTOGRAPHER:
Over here! Over here for a photo, please.

(audience applause)

BENEDICT: These are the people I must find
before it's too late.

Congratulations, Mr. Washington.

(upbeat music)

BENEDICT: They may be humble
or obstinate, delightful or...

mildly enraging...

I'm told that it was a, quote,

rude look from her new roommate
that set Miss Contraire off.

Ms. Contraire! Mizz!

You gave her a roommate?

(upbeat music)

BENEDICT: These unique individuals
are the only ones

who can save us from this condition
called The Emergency...

where, every day,
our minds are under att*ck

by a plague of fear and anxiety.

- (car horn honks)
- (woman grunts)

(brakes screech)

These truth-loving people
come from unexpected places.

(indistinct shouting)

(grunts)

And in my experience,

they tend to be... children.

(theme music)

(indistinct chatter)

(grunts)

Oh, are we too loud for you, Muldoon?

No, not at all, Karl.

I can read under any conditions.

(scoffs)

Yeah? How's the book?

It's enjoyable.

- Enjoyable? He said enjoyable!
- (laughter)

"Enjoyable" isn't even
that complicated a word.

Why are you so weird?

(Karl scoffs)

I do not know.

- KID : Yeah!
- KID : Come on!

KID : Yeah.

(indistinct chatter in distance)

Why don't we start your Tamil lessons
early today, Reynie?

Sure, Ms. Perumal.

Aren't you hungry? I don't blame you.

Is that... cheese?

I think so.

I can share.

Thanks. It's not really the food.

I'm just feeling
a little anxious, I guess.

- I've been waking up like that lately.
- Me too.

It just feels like something bad
is about to happen, every morning.

That's The Emergency.

Like it's all falling apart,
and no one can help.

Everyone's just scared all the time.

Everyone's preparing for the worst.

And this doesn't help, does it?

It's all people are talking about.

- Except the water polo scores.
- (chuckles)

Yes, at least we have
the water polo scores.

Was it always like this?

Bad news all the time?

I don't remember it that way.

Listen. I've been saving
something for you.

It's a test.

And the winners get a scholarship
to the Boatwright Academy.

- What? The Boatwright Academy?
- The one and only.

- It's a palace of learning, Reynie.
- I know.

Kids go there and they come out artists
and scientists and diplomats.

Not kids like me.

Reynie.

There's no way I'll make it.
I'm not special.

(speaking in Tamil)

(both chuckle)

You deserve to be
at a good school, Reynie.

And you deserve to be around kids
who accept you.

Don't let this place convince you
that you don't deserve a chance.

Will you try?

You really think I could do it?

I do.

(upbeat music)

(bell tolling)

I didn't want to, you know,
turn on the lights and wake anybody up.

That makes sense.

- Ready?
- Uh-huh.

(indistinct radio chatter)

...among forecasters that the bottom
is falling out,

and that massive job losses
and home foreclosures are inevitable.

As The Emergency continues unabated,

the public must prepare
for even more financial disruption

and chaos in the months ahead,

as the specter
of total financial collapse...

WOMAN : Sweetheart, you got this, okay...

Oslo, Paris, Tokyo, Washington... England?

WOMAN : The economy, the pollution index.

- It's like no one's...
- It's like no one's at the wheel!

Don't be nervous. You'll be fine.

Just remember, this is your chance.
Our chance. It's up to you.

Okay... we're all set.

So, call me when it's over, okay?

Okay.

Imagine you won't be needing
my services after this.

I haven't passed it yet.

- I don't even know if I want...
- Reynie.

Maybe we should just skip it.

We can go back and have our normal day.

I really don't need all this.

Reynie.

It's okay to want something for yourself.

Now you go in there, and you just be you.

Okay?

That's gonna make all the difference.

This feels like a goodbye-goodbye.

(dramatic music)

Good luck, sweetheart.

You will have one hour.

You may begin.

(papers rustle)

BENEDICT: Given the speed
of the two trains

and the distance between them,

how long will it take
for the two trains to collide?

REYNIE:
Thirty-seven minutes, four seconds.

But given the standardization
of railroad timekeeping

and the modernization
of both warning and braking systems,

hopefully, enough safeguards
are in place to avoid a crash altogether.

BENEDICT: An elephant and a llama
are falling to their deaths

from a great height.

You can only save one. Which?

REYNIE: I'd save the elephant,

in hopes that it could break
the llama's fall.

BENEDICT: True or false?

I'm usually right.
Most of my friends are imaginary.

I don't generally feel empty inside.

Real change is impossible.

- Fish are unnerving.
- REYNIE: True.

BENEDICT: Do you watch television?

REYNIE: Not really.

BENEDICT: Are you brave?

Are you brave?

REYNIE: I would like to think so.

(clock ticking)

Pencils!

(all groan)

I shall now read the names of the children
admitted to the second phase of the test.

If your name is called,

report to the Monk Building
on Third Street no later than one o'clock.

You will bring one and only one pencil
as well as an eraser.

Any more or less will be disqualified,
which would be a gift,

considering the academic brutality
of the next exam.

Yes?

You say to bring only one pencil,
but what if the lead breaks?

- Will there be a sharpener?
- Yes.

If a sharpener should become necessary,
one will be provided.

I shall now read the list.

(Number Two clears throat)

"Reynard Muldoon."

- Wait, what?
- That's it?

That's it?

(indistinct chatter)

KID : My mom's gonna be so mad!

(suspenseful music)

(car approaching)

(bell tolls)

I'll need to be a magician

- to pass this test.
- No way.

I hear it's way more intense.

(gasps)
RHONDA: Oh, no!

ANNOUNCER:
Test commencing in four minutes.

- Report to sign-in immediately.
- I got to go.

RHONDA: Oh, my God.

RHONDA: Oh.

That's rotten luck.

You don't happen to have
an extra one, do you?

No. Sorry, I was told to, you know...

I know. I know. Only one pencil.

And my only one is down there.
How could I have been so stupid?

Boatwright was my dream.

- Test commencing in three minutes.
- It was just an accident.

- This is the final announcement.
- What are you still doing here?

They're about to start the test.

Well, I'm not gonna leave you
without a pencil.

Oh, how are we going to get it back?

If we're one minute late, we're out.

We don't need to get it back.

We can share this one.

I mean, they assured me
there'd be a sharpener inside.

(chuckles)

I'm Rhonda Kazembe. It's nice to meet you.

Reynie Muldoon.

- If you have your eraser, we're all set.
- Mm-mm.

- Let's go.
- I haven't properly thanked you.

You're welcome. Come on.

Here's the thing.
I'm gonna make a perfect score.

- I hope you do.
- No, you don't get it.

I have the answers.

That's a great attitude.

No, look. Sit right behind me.

I will move my paper where you can see it,
so you can copy right off of it.

Why would...

Oh... oh.

No, no, no, I...

No, thank you. I'd rather not.

Okay, suit yourself.
Hope you know what you're in for.

I hope so, too.

RHONDA: Wait, wait, wait!

And if any child is caught cheating,
they will be ex*cuted.

Excused. Will be excused.
(clears throat)

This test is going to be long,
and it's going to be difficult.

Was I not clear about the talking?

Oh, I... I just groaned.

Now you've spoken again. You are excused.

- (stammers)
- Mmm.

(door opens)

(door closes)

Yes?

Very well.

(rattles)

(coughs in distance)

You will have one hour
to complete the test.

And you must follow
these four directions exactly.

One, put your name on the test.

Two, read all the questions
and answers carefully.

Three, circle the correct answer.
Four, bring the test to me.

In order to pass, you must answer
every question correctly.

Anything less...

you fail.

Five, start the test.

A. That was A.

(papers rustle)

(clock ticks)

If you feel faint,
put your head between your knees.

If you're going to vomit,
a trash can will be provided.

Oh, God. I can't do this.

(door opens)

(door closes)

BENEDICT: In ,
the Kingdom of Serbia declared w*r

on the Principality of Bulgaria

after Bulgaria declared unification
in the city of Plovdiv

with which semi-autonomous region?

A, Western Romania,
B, Eastern Rumelia, C...

Where did the common vetch originate,
and to what family does it belong?

Which three of the following fifty herbs
can be used in a poultice

for the bite of a jumping spider?

REYNIE: One, put your name on the test.

Two, read all of the questions...

NUMBER TWO: Thank you.

REYNIE: Two, read all of the questions
and answers carefully.

(slurps)

Fifteen minutes left!

BENEDICT: The Bregovo Dispute served
as pretext for a w*r to break out

between Bulgaria and which country

when Bulgaria and the semi-autonomous
region of Eastern Rumelia

declared their unification
in the city of Plovdiv in ?

...after Bulgaria declared unification
in the city of Plovdiv

with which semi-autonomous region?
Which country...

...when Bulgaria and the semi-autonomous
region of Eastern Rumelia...

REYNIE: Eastern Rumelia?
The answers are in the questions.

BENEDICT:
Despite having originated in Europe,

the vine known as the common vetch,
a member of the pea family...

Where did the common vetch originate
and to what family does it belong?

Which three of the following fifty herbs
can be used in a poultice for the bite...

A poultice of fresh plantain leaf,
slippery elm, or yarrow will neutralize...

Time! Please pass up your tests.

Remain seated until they are graded.
This won't take long.

You're an odd egg, Reynard.

I don't know what that means.

It's a compliment.

I shall now read the list
of those who have passed the test.

If your name is called, remain seated
and await further instruction.

"Reynard Muldoon."

That is all. Good day.

(indistinct chatter)

Best of luck, kid.

(door opens)

(door closes)

(quirky music)

(groans)

We've finally gotten rid
of the other children.

Consolation donuts and hugs and whatnot.

Only a few more minutes to wait.

Would it be possible
to get a consolation donut?

I'm really hungry.

Are you desolate?

No.

- Feel like a failure?
- No, ma'am.

Well, then.

Wait, Miss...

I'm sorry, you never really
told me your name.

Nothing to be sorry for.
Do you have a question or a comment?

I was just wondering
if I could please contact my tutor,

Ms. Perumal, so she doesn't worry?

That's a perfectly reasonable question.

Is this where we're supposed to wait?

It's where I'm supposed to wait,
so I guess that might go for you, too.

- I'm Reynie.
- Sticky Washington.

- Are you here for the test?
- Yes.

I guess this means
we're going to Boatwright.

So, are you the only one
who passed in your group?

- I think so, which was weird because...
- Because there was a girl who cheated?

- How did you know?
- The same thing happened to me.

Rhonda, right?
Did she lose her pencil outside?

Yes, I felt so bad for her!
So, it was a trick.

- A test.
- Also a trick.

(Sticky grunts)

What's the matter?

What's the matter with you?

What are you running from?

Not running from, I'm running to.
This is where I was told to go.

Why are you running?

Why wouldn't I be? It's faster.
Talking about logic, guys.

I'm Kate Wetherall.

- REYNIE: That's Sticky Washington.
- Why do they call you Sticky?

I tend to sort of remember
everything I read or see.

It all just... sticks.

Sticky. Okay, cool.

I've always wanted a nickname.

How about you guys call me
The Great Kate Weather Machine?

- Um...
- Come on, it's good.

No offense, but it sort of takes
a long time to say?

Not if you say it quickly.

Forget it. I've been trying
to get that going for a while.

Guess I just have to let it
come naturally.

- What's the bucket for, Kate?
- Carrying things.

- You've never seen a bucket before?
- What things?

Flashlight, nylon rope, fishing wire,
twine, superglue, bag of marbles,

kaleidoscope, slingshot, magnet...

Swiss Army Kn*fe.

I'm a self-contained unit.

Anything that comes up,
I deal with myself. Gotta be ready.

Like, this morning,

some crazy-looking girl
dropped her pencil down the storm drain,

and without this bucket,

she'd have been up the creek
without a paddle.

A paddle might be nice to have.
No, it's too bulky.

Collapsible paddle?

- Anyway...
- Did you help Rhonda get her pencil back?

Of course, I did.

It's tough to get a pencil
out of a ten-and-a-quarter inch cr*ck

at the bottom of a storm drain

- without a bucket full of stuff.
- No kidding.

Hold it. How did you know
the girl's name was Rhonda?

- The same thing happened to both of us.
- We think she was part of the test.

Of course, she was a part of the test.
I knew that in, like, five seconds.

Less. I'm Krista.
Nice to finally meet the competition.

- Pleased to meet you, Krista.
- That's "please" to meet you. No D.

- Actually, I don't think...
- Pretty sure of it.

Oh, this is Dewey.

So, is this everybody who passed the test?

I didn't pass.

I mean, I don't think
I got any of the questions right.

I helped the lady in charge escape
a bunch of crazy parents afterwards.

Started a small fire as a diversion.
Easily containable. No injuries.

- Afterwards, she told me to come here.
- (door opens)

Okay, everybody here? Proceed to room B.

(door closes)

(door opens)

(sighs)
Down this hall, to the right.

(door closes)

(door closes)

Your next test is through that door.
You'll go in one at a time.

Follow the instructions.

I'll be watching.

Geez. How about a hello?

Hello.

I am Milligan.

Krista.

- You're first.
- You know it.

(door closes)

(suspenseful music)

No.

What do you mean by "no"?

The task is impossible. It can't be done.

The test is an attempt to trick us.
So, my answer is no.

You may go home now.

What?

You may go.

No!

(Krista sobs)

Next.

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music continues)

STICKY: You walked across?

The sign said,
"Without setting foot on a square."

It turns out, all the tiles
are slightly longer than they are wide.

So, they're not squares,
they're rectangles.

Hmm.

You all passed. Follow me...

downstairs.

(suspenseful music)

- STICKY: Why are we all the way down here?
- Final test ahead.

At least it's a nice sewer. Ugh.

- I mean, it's an okay sewer.
- (door opens)

SEWER WORKER:
I had another panic att*ck last night.

Really? Did any wonder
what's The Emergency going on?

- Yeah, it's like nobody's at the wheel.
- You got that right.

I'm taking my money out of the bank.

I've noticed something.

The smell? The decreased visibility?
The flood danger?

You've got a point, but, no.
They haven't mentioned a scholarship

or the Boatwright Academy
once this whole time.

It's a weird way to approach
a fancy school, through a sewer.

(mice squeaking)

(birds chirping)

- REYNIE: Hey, come on.
- (Sticky grunts)

STICKY:
Whoa! Is this the Boatwright Academy?

Wait here. I'll be back.

Now what?

Has anyone been allowed
to call their parents?

That would show weakness.
(grunts)

I told my parents
not to expect to hear from me.

Yes... I did that, too.

REYNIE: What about you, Kate?

I don't have anybody to call.

My mother d*ed when I was a baby,

and my father ran away and left me
when I was three.

(birds chirping)

Guys, it's really fine.
Really, I don't even remember them.

You don't remember them at all?

Actually, that's not totally true.
I do have one memory.

So, down the road from our house
was this old millpond,

and my dad took me there to swim once.

I was only three,
but I was a good swimmer.

(waves crashing)

I laughed and splashed around
till I was exhausted.

I can't really picture his face.

I remember how his arms felt,
lifting me out of the water.

They were strong. Warm from the sun.

I asked if we could go back sometime
and he said, "Of course, Katie-Cat."

'Cause that's what
he called me, Katie-Cat.

But next thing I know, he was gone,
and I was in an orphanage.

- That's terrible.
- It was a long time ago.

Besides, circus life
was really good for me.

- Circus life?
- Oh, yeah.

I ran away from the orphanage
to join the circus.

Learned a craft, met some people.
It was a great couple years.

But then I read about this test,
and I thought, "That's for me."

Do you ever miss your dad?

What's to miss?

He chose to leave me.

I'd rather hang out
with elephants and clowns.

What about you?

KATE: You get it.

I can tell.

I never really knew my parents,
so I don't specifically miss them, but...

But, generally, you do?

DEWEY: My parents love me.

They call me their miracle.

I'm back.

It's time.

Is this the admissions office?

I don't know.

Hello?

- All the rooms are the same.
- Well done, genius.

That was rude and uncalled for.
You should apologize.

RHONDA: Hello, children.

(gasps)

Rhonda?

- That is still my name.
- You tricked us.

- Ah, just doing my job.
- You're not a kid.

Mm-mm. Not a kid.

So! Here you are. The final section.

You have five minutes to navigate
the maze, climb the stairway,

and ring the bell at the top.

You should be able to do this
with your eyes closed.

Keep in mind, however,

that we can only take the first
three of you who ring that bell.

So, I'll start you each
in different rooms.

When you hear the bell... off you go.

Hmm.

(bell rings)

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight, nine, ten.

One, two, three, four...

Dead end. One, two...

Karate!
(grunts)

STICKY: Eight, nine, ten, eleven.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven...

RHONDA: You should be able to do this
with your eyes closed.

REYNIE: Braille.

(pants)

(grunting)

REYNIE: Sticky!

What are you doing? You were ahead!

- I heard you screeching.
- It was more of a yell.

- It did the job. Are you okay?
- I think so.

(bell rings)

Dewey. Just go. Only seconds left.

Nope.

(grunts)

Five minutes, ten seconds.

So, Dewey was the only one
to ring the bell in the prescribed time.

Word of advice, cardio.

Kate got here on time,
but she refused to ring the bell.

I thought I'd wait to ring it
with you two.

(bell rings)

Well done.
Dewey, Milligan will escort you home.

What? No. But you said the first three.

Yes. And these were the first three
to ring the bell.

Unless you rang it with two others?

- This isn't fair!
- I don't disagree.

What... You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

He's gonna...
he's gonna paper you to death!

Congratulations. You've all passed.

No more tests?

No more tests. We have our team.

(dramatic music)

What's in there?

Truly, one of the preeminent ethicists,
moralists, and scientists of our time.

Mr. Benedict.

(clears throat)

Mr. Nicholas Benedict.

BENEDICT: Oh, hello!
Welcome! Congratulations!

- Hello?
- Oh.

There we are. Hello.

I'm the aforementioned Mr. Benedict.

(chuckles)

- REYNIE: Hello, sir.
- Hello.

Oh, Reynie, Sticky, Kate.

Oh.

I'm so glad you're here. Please, come in.

Come in.

Just have a seat right there.

There we are.

All right. You look hungry.
Of course, you must be.

- I could eat.
- Number Two, yes?

This is Number Two's famous fruit leather.
It's incredible.

I highly recommend the pineapple.

- Oh, we only have tree bark.
- Don't eat that.

- I'm okay. Thanks.
- But, no worries.

After our fourth arrives, we'll have
a full meal after the orientation.

- A fourth?
- Yes! A fourth member of the team!

- Please, not Dewey.
- No, it's not Dewey. It's someone...

What's the best way to say this?
Someone much better in most ways.

But in some ways, much worse.

GIRL: This place is ugly
and smells like eggs.

It's disgusting.

Ah... Here we are.

Friends, allow me to acquaint you
with your fourth, Constance Contraire.

Actually, the smell might
be coming from this guy.

- Hmm.
- Heard of a toothbrush, old man?

- Ah...
- But we've never seen her.

- You see me now.
- Mm-hm.

Yes. Constance approached today's tests
in a less conventional manner.

(quirky music)

(crunching)

I apologize for nothing.

But how is she here
if she didn't pass any of the tests?

"But how is she here
if she didn't pass any of the tests?"

- You're very unpleasant.
- Okay!

Uh, to answer your question, Sticky,

you know there's tests,
and then there's tests.

And then there's rules,
and then there's, you know, rules.

Which are tools for you fools.

(laughs)

Okay.

- Oh, Mr. Benedict. Mr. Benedict.
- (whistles)

Okay...

No. I would not use this one.

- I would not use the...
- No, he likes the... He like... Sir.

- Hmm. How long was I out?
- Mere seconds, sir.

Mere sec...

Well, here's a helpful fact.
I have type narcolepsy with cataplexy.

Quite severely, I might add.

It's brought on by extremes,
wouldn't you say?

- Oh, yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, extreme emotions,
mainly from a root of joy.

Um, sometimes the absurdity
of the universe, a good pun...

Constance, apparently.
(laughs)

(clears throat)
Sir. Sir.

Oh, yeah. Hmm.

You know, this plaid is no accident.

This particular pattern, it...

It calms me.

Am I the only one who's
going to acknowledge that this is weird?

No, it is. It is.

And I can't believe I've waited
this long to say this,

you should all be so proud of yourselves.

Each of you richly deserve
to go to the Boatwright Academy.

(laughs)

(sighs)

Unfortunately, however,
no one's going to the Boatwright Academy.

- What?
- That was a ruse.

- A lie!
- That was a ruse.

- Why would you lie to us?
- Yeah. Or ruse us.

- No, no, no. Please, please, please.
- There's always a catch!

- Why are we here? What is the truth?
- Reynie!

That's the right question.
That's the right question.

And if I may, allow me to ask you one.

What is it that you all have
in common, hmm?

We all passed your boring tests.

Hmm.

We're all alone.

Yes.

But most importantly, it was clear
that you all possess a quality

that is severely lacking in our society.

What quality?

Empathy.

You see others.

- You care for others.
- Ha!

You love truth.

In fact, I think you may be
among the few capable

of seeing the truth anymore.

Oh...

But what that does is help you
to resist the disinformation

that's being fed to us every single day.

And, yes, Reynie. Yes, you were alone,
but look at you now! Look!

I see fear.

And bad fashion.

No, you're a team. A team.

We're asking you to go on a mission.

A risky undercover mission.

And, unfortunately, one that can
only be accomplished by children.

A team of children.
(groans)

Please understand,
I don't take this lightly.

I don't. And you may leave.
You may walk out and leave.

But I truly believe that you are
in more danger if we do nothing.

I just really wanted
to go to the Boatwright Academy.

I know. I'm sorry.

Their science wing
is supposed to be unreal.

Honestly, it's amazing.

So, you lied to us all because you needed
a bunch of smart orphans

to do a deadly mission.

I get it.

- Ideally not deadly.
- So, out with it.

What is happening?

This is happening.

- (machine whirs)
- With the Emergency...

(Benedict sighs)

The Emergency.

I'm sure you've heard of it.

- How could we not have?
- BENEDICT: Of course.

I'm convinced that this Emergency
that has everyone so anxious,

so distracted, that is threatening
to tear our society apart,

is a fiction created by one person.

One.

- Um, who?
- We don't know. We don't know. But this...

(groans)

- Disgraceful machinator.
- That's it. Yeah. That's... What?

- Machinator.
- Yes. They work in the shadows.

Well, then... how?

By sending secret, undetectable messages

designed to distract us,
designed to scare us, divide us.

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, and this sender
is perfecting a system.

Which does what?

It's a sort of mass hypnosis

that would enable the sender
to do virtually anything.

How do we know you're telling the truth?

You don't. We only just met.
And look at you and you.

You're smart, sensitive,
intuitive children

who have every right to question me.

Oh, but I'm counting on the idea
that you can already sense the truth,

and you care enough
to do something about it.

Please hear me.

You are needed.

I know this world
has made you feel unwanted,

abandoned, angry, but it needs you.

Desperately.

It doesn't know it,

but your unique talents
can save it from this coming storm.

The truth is our world
may never appreciate you

or see what makes you special,
but I see it.

I see hope.

And even if you decide
to not choose this mission...

I feel so honored to have crossed paths

with such brilliant children.

Thank you for the time.

Needed?

Yes.

(alarm blaring)

What's happening? What's the alarm for?

Your responsibilities, uh...

seem... seem to have begun quicker
than we thought.

Uh-oh.

(suspenseful music)

(closing theme music)