21x06 - Happy Holo-ween

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies
and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

(lively chatter)

Ah, it's so exciting to be back
at the Halloween Carnival.

Yep. Thanks to the vaccines,

we can all get back to doing
the things we hate.

Oh, for God's sakes, Peter,

I am so tired of you
not making an effort

to be a part of this family.

Lois, I drove us here.
I bought the tickets.

I'm sadly shuffling
through this place with you.

- What more do you want?
- Well, I don't know.

I want you to act
like you're happy

to be with your family
every now and again.

Look, I'm doing the best I can,
but I got to tell you...

Whoa!

Careful.

Oh, and there's my boss.
Even better.

Hey, Preston.
What's with the hat?

This is my Halloween costume.

I'm dressed
as s comedian Paul Shore.

You-you mean Pauly Shore?

Perhaps in less
formal circumstances.

You may recall he borrowed
heavily from surf culture,

with phrases such as,
"Hey, buddy," and "Grindage".

I don't think
this costume is working.

Neither is Pauly Shore.

Ooh! That looks scary.

"The House of Unskippable
Podcast Ads."

PODCASTER: Before we get
to the thrilling conclusion

of m*rder at the South Pole,

I'd like to tell you about
UNTUCKit shirts.

(all gasp)

I-I'm hitting "skip ahead,"

but it's not doing anything!

PODCASTER: Last weekend,
I was at a barbecue and thought,

"What's with
all this excess fabric

at the bottom of my shirt?"

Oh, God! A clearly fake
personal story!

PODCASTER: The big game was
on the boob tube,

but the biggest touchdown
was the perfect length

of my friend's premium-made,
affordably priced shirt.

Literally no one talks
like that!

PODCASTER: So, I went right home
and Bing-ed "UNTUCKit"

on my Microsoft Surface.

Is this a promotion
within a promotion?!

PODCASTER:
UNTUCKit shirts.

We weren't here for Kevin James,
but we're here now.

(lively chatter, screaming)

All right, g*ng, as a mom
who planned a family activity,

I'm gonna put
wild pressure on you guys

to say you're having
a good time.

Chris, honey, are you...
Are you having a good time?

(nervous laugh) Okay, I'm gonna
need a verbal response.

- Yeah.
- Oh, good.

Chris is having a good time.

Meg. Meg, are you having
a good time

- just like your brother?
- I guess.

Okay, great.

Can you sign this form
for my Mom Meeting,

acknowledging your merriment?

Wow, very good.

I see everyone had a good time.

Would you like to spin
the wheel of Mom Prizes?

(wheel clatters)

"Donate spin to mom
you wish to belittle."

Oh, thank you!
But, you know,

Bonnie needs this
more than I do.

(whispers): Her rejuvenation
only made things worse.

(lively chatter)

Holography? That's
next door to witchcraft,

and down the hall
from David-Blaine-ery.

I do not care for his ruses.

Ah, stop being such a wuss.
Let's go.

[♪ ♪]

The Michael Cera hologram
is a weird choice.

Oh, i-it's the real me.
I'm just kind of translucent.

Oh, hello, Hollywood.

Yes, I would like to star

in an action movie franchise.
(chuckles)

That's not a Bluetooth.

He just stuck a Tootsie Roll
in his ear.

Wow, these holograms are
the most amazing thing

I've ever seen, and I've seen,
like, a really big horse.

(electrical crackling, whirring)

Welcome to
my hologram laboratory.

Would you like to see
how I make my babies?

I mean, I'm already here.

Is that a yes?

- Yes.
- Just say that, then.

This machine scans your data,

then creates a virtual
hard light version of you

that can physically interact
with the world.

That sounds kind of bogus.

Does the science check out
on that?

They used it on Star Trek.

You got a problem
with Star Trek?

Okay, take it easy.
I accept your explanation.

We all should.
It's Halloween.

You can command them
to perform any human task,

no matter how menial.

So, you're saying
I can have something

that looks exactly like me

seem like it's enjoying
spending time with its family?

Precisely.

- Can I have it?
- I'm afraid not.

It's my only one.

Maybe there are...
other arrangements we can make?

Boy, this is the first
button-down shirt

that looks great untucked.

- It's an UNTUCKit.
- What's their secret?

Oh, they just make shirts
a tiny bit shorter.

Genius.

(thunder crashing)

(thunder rumbling)

[♪ ♪]

Man,
this machine is complicated.

I hope I can figure it out.

Here goes nothing.

Thank you for choosing
the Holomaker- .

Please input
personal characteristics.

Do they have to be true?

I have no way of knowing
what is true and what is not.

Such is life
in the Post-Donald-Tr*mp Era.

Ugh, leave the satire
to Garrison Keillor.

Okay, time for
some statements about myself

that are definitely not lies.

Let's see,
I'm a black belt in karate,

I can cook
an eight-course French meal,

I always enter cars
through the window

'cause doors ain't
the boss of me,

and I'm great
at remembering names.

Just ask my friends:
Joel, Clemson and Quick Time.

[♪ ♪]

Hello, Peter Griffin.
I am Hologram Peter Griffin.

How may I be of service?

LOIS:
Come upstairs, Peter!

I need you to put
the too-small slip covers

on the hard-to-grip
couch pillows.

(shudders) You can start
by handling that.

I would be happy to help your
family with whatever they need.

Aw, sweet! If this works out,

I'll have more time
for those QAnon rallies.

- What do we want?
- We don't know!

- When do we want it?
- Also unclear!

- Why do we want it?
- Because it was forwarded to us

in an email,
so it must be true!

Yeah!

Oh, Peter, there you are.

Listen, I'm trying
to clear out my closet,

so I want you to give me your
honest opinion of every garment.

Perfect. I love working
as a team to reduce clutter.

Okay, first,
my " Up Yours" T-shirt.

That was the most provocative
thing ever put on television

- at the time, you have to keep that.
- Okay, great.

Now my "Skinny Girl Margarita"
T-shirt Bethenny Frankel gave me

after she hit Chris
with her car.

That's a fun story. Keep.

Great. Okay.

Under-the-seat
studio audience poncho

from The Meredith Vieira Show?

Maybe it's time
to say goodbye to Miss Vieira.

(muffled):
Oh, man, this is going great!

(banging)

Aw, crap, I'm stuck.

Let me call
my eye hole painting guy.

- (phone beeps)
- Hey, it's Peter Griffin.

Yep, trapped in the painting
again.

I know, I know.

Well, can't you just
look up my account?

No, I don't have my ID number.

No, I can't get my ID number!

Because I'm trapped
in the painting!

I'm sorry, I-I'm mad
at your company, not you.

You-You're fine.

Okay, yesterday
worked out great.

So here's some more dumb family
stuff I want you to do for me.

"Teach Stewie
what sound the cow makes."

It's "moo."
"Quack" is duck.

"Get opiates from John."

Yeah, I'll give you
John's number.

Tell him it's Peter calling
for opiates from John.

- He'll know what you mean.
- Got it.

Now that you're doing all that,

I'm going to The Clam
with the guys.

Oh, man, this hologram thing
is the best idea

since the Mayflower hired
a cruise director.

Okay, everyone,
from : until : ,

we'll be trembling
before our angry God.

From : to : , there's
yellow fever on the lido deck.

And at : ,
it's everybody's favorite,

Buckle-Hat Bingo.

What if we lost our buckle hat?

- Well, do you have a plain hat?
- Yeah.

- Do you have a belt?
- Yeah.

- You got a buckle hat.
- (murmuring)

(whispers): I just love
knowing what's going on.

Oh, Peter, thanks
for clearing out

an area for us
to start a garden.

Yeah, they say the best day
to plant a garden is yesterday.

And the next best day is today!

(both laugh)

This, this is what I meant

about making an effort
with the family.

And I can garden, too,
'cause I have a brown thumb.

That's more of a wiping issue,
son, but I'm glad you're here.

This is great,
but I'm a little hot.

No problem, that's why
I bought a giant sun hat

that can fit all of us.

And now to quote
the kitchen towel,

"Lettuce turnip the beet."

(laughing):
Stop it or I'm gonna wet myself.

Me, too. I always wet my plants.

(laughter)

Where do you get all this?

They're all from towels, Lois!

They're all from towels!

Well, what do you think, guys?

Should we wrap it up?

Yeah, but can one of you
throw glitter on me?

It's-it's better if Lois thinks
I'm at a strip club.

She hates you guys.

Peter, I think you're
a little too drunk to walk home.

- Yeah, give us your shoes.
- Can we give you a ride?

No, no, it's okay.
I'll just black out

and-and never know
how I got home.

(insects trilling)

Works every time.

And it's good
for the environment, maybe.

(family laughing inside)

- Boy, they look pretty happy.
- (piano music playing)

(gasps) And they're singing
Halloween carols.

♪ Halloween has lots of candy ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Wear a mask
and ring a doorbell ♪

- The perfect rhyme!
- ♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don't be r*cist
with your costume ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. ♪

(music ends)

Ah, that was fun.

And now that we're
just about done with Halloween,

maybe it's time to start writing
the family Christmas letter.

Ah, Peter, that's a great idea!

(scoffs) Good luck, pal.

Our Christmas letter
always runs aground

'cause our family has
no accomplishments.

All right, we need
some highlights from our year.

Um, I got suspended
for setting up a tent

in my Spanish teacher's
front yard.

"After several
adventurous camping trips,

"Chris is becoming
quite the outdoors man

and has found a true mentor
in Señora Diaz."

I was trying to snag a bagel
from the school dumpster

and got accidentally hoisted
into the garbage truck.

"This was the year
Meg caught the travel bug."

Stewie's first pony ride ended

after he blew out his diaper
all over the horse's back.

"Stewie pooped on a horse."

Whoa, Pop,
where's my razzle-dazzle?

"And Lois celebrated
her th birthday this year."

(laughs):
Oh, Peter.

What the h... Lois isn't ...

Oh, I see what he's doing.

That's-that's very funny.

What the hell?
No one kisses my wife

except, begrudgingly, me!

It's time for
Hologram Peter to go back

inside the machine
where he came from.

I'll be back in a minute.

Don't pray without me.

Give me that!
You're not the only one

who can do things
for this family.

Can you... can you pick that up?

Listen, I appreciate
you covering for me,

but I can take it from here.

Don't be silly.
I've got 'em all taken care of.

- Go have fun.
- I thought this was gonna be a good idea,

and-and these last few hours
have been great...

You've been gone three days.

But I'm ready to go
back to my family.

Okay, you're the boss.

The hologram machine is
in the basement.

Let's head down there together
and sort this out.

(thunder crashes)

[♪ ♪]

Where's the machine?
I left it right over... (grunts)

WEST:
As Peter lost consciousness,

he finally saw the folly
of his hologram misadventure.

(toilet flushes)

Also, going forward,
I'd appreciate

a bit more warning
before having to narrate.

- (water running)
- Even just a few minutes

- to finish whatever it is I'm doing.
- (Water stops)

(knocking) - CLERK: Sir,
you're supposed to buy something

if you want to use the restroom.

WEST: Well, what's the
cheapest thing you got?

CLERK: Probably a
near-the-register cookie?

WEST: Well, put me
down for one of those.

Wha... what happened?

- I knocked you out and tied you up.
- Why?

Because they're my family now.

(laughs maniacally)

Well, the joke's on you.

When you first got here,
I sent a letter to the FBI

because I knew something
like this might happen.

Is it bad?

It's better than the last one.

You should put it up
on the FBI fridge

next to his drawing of Shrek.

- (laughs)
- What?

Nothing. It's not
supposed to be Shrek.

It's supposed to be the Hulk,
but that's funny.

You don't deserve your family.

I care about them way more
than you ever did.

That's not true!

Oh, yeah? Who bought
double-Decker burial plots

because Lois likes to be on top?

Who taught Chris to whisper...
(whispers) "Black"

out of respect for...
(whispers) "Blacks"?

Me! And once I finish you,
they'll be all mine.

LOIS:
Peter! Can you come upstairs

and tell me if
this gray chicken smells funny?

Be right up, babe!

Aw, man. This is worse than...

(muffled speech)

Wait, what are we supposed
to do in this cutaway?

I don't know, I didn...
I didn't understand the setup.

Well, we have to do something.

Um, I mean, you do have
a long neck and I have fangs.

Maybe something in that area?

Uh, maybe we just wait
to hear what the grown men

who write for cartoons say?

Cream number and cream .

Okay, I'm ready for bed.

Well, we had meatloaf tonight,

so I guess I'm in
for a Dutch oven.

What's a Dutch oven?

(gasps)

Peter, wh-why is there dental
floss in this trash can?

Because I just flossed.

Death creeps in
through the gums, you know.

(muffled scream)

Um, Peter,
I-I need to go downstairs.

I... I left a lame excuse
on the stove.

Okay, but be careful,
I just mopped the kitchen floor.

HOLOGRAM PETER:
I love you!

Stewie, wake up! We got to go.

Chris, come on. We got to go.

Meg, can you drag the trash to
the curb tomorrow before : ?

We won't be here.

[♪ ♪]

Thanks for telling us
that whole back story

on the way down the stairs, Mom.

Yeah, now we don't have
to waste time hearing about

how a hologram of Peter
replaced the real Peter.

Although, I don't know
why we had to hear about

Bonnie not inviting you
to Rosé Game Night.

Well, I just thought it was
weird, 'cause it was my idea.

(thunder crashes)

[♪ ♪]

(screaming)

Going somewhere, family?

- (laughing maniacally)
- (thunder crashes)

- (laughing fades)
- (thunder crashes)

I didn't want to
have to tie you up.

I did everything for you.

And people think
holograms don't have feelings.

Well, we don't.

And then I watched
one episode of This Is Us,

and now I'm all feelings.

Don't mention This is Us.
Aw, great. Now I'm gonna cry.

Save your crocodile tears.

None of you appreciated me.

And if I can't have you,
no one will.

PETER:
I hate This is Us.

Let my family go.

- (all gasp)
- I'm impressed.

How did you free yourself
from the bindings?

I found a hacksaw
and sawed through my hands.

Why didn't you saw
through the ropes?

Hacksaw hindsight is
twenty-twenty, Lois.

The important thing is,
I stitched my hands back on

with Twizzlers.

All right,
fat guy fight rules:

We grab at each other's shirts
until we're out of breath

- and then a three-minute break.
- Got it.

Should we just take
a three-minute break now?

Agreed.

It turned into a pudding break.

Wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait!

I didn't get to lick the lid.

(grunting)

[♪ ♪]

- (crackling)
- Now for the final download.

Everything in your mind.

- (crackling stops)
- (gasps)

Joke's on you.
There's nothing in there.

(grunting)

Guys, Dad needs help!

(groans)

(crackling)

(screams)

We have to short-circuit
the hologram.

Can anyone sh**t lightning
from their fingers?

I can,

but I have to be very angry.

(cries out)

Wait, Brian, there are
other kinds of electricity.

By simply rubbing my feet
on the carpet,

I may be able to generate
enough static electricity

- to do the job.
- Stewie, that's a great idea!

What can I do to help?

I need something
to get my feet going.

Can you sing "I Got Rhythm"?

Um, I-I... Can I,
can I just say "da da"

for the words I don't know?

We have no choice. Go!

♪ Da da rhythm ♪

Wait, wait, wait. (Stammers)

We're starting
with the "da das" already?

You don't know "I got rhythm"?
It's in the name!

Okay, I got it. Got it, got it.

- ♪ I got da da ♪
- Rhythm!

You said that the first time!

Okay, now I'm starting
to get angry.

(groans) I'll do it myself.

♪ I got rhythm ♪

♪ Da da music. ♪

Oh-ho! The expert.

Well, I got through the title
at least.

(screams, grunts)

(straining)

- (crackling)
- It's working!

Quick, everyone, hold hands.

We have to reach Peter.

- (grunting)
- (crackling)

We can't reach him!

Lois, use your toe!

I haven't had a pedicure
in four weeks!

Just do it. We won't look.

Ew.

Peter! Touch my toe!

- Ew.
- ALL: Do it!

That's usually my line,
but whatever.

(straining, grunting)

(cries out)

- (groaning)
- (crackling)

(groaning)

Wilma!

(hissing)

(gasps)

You saved us, Peter.

Yeah, glad you thought of it.

I hate this place.

Of course I did.

I love you guys.

And from now on,
I'll try to be half as good

as Hologram Me was.

Oh, but don't you see, Peter?

The hologram was you.

He was just
the best version of you.

You can get there,
it'll just take work.

No, the deal was
I promise to be half as good

as a fake thing.

- All right, just do that.
- No promises.

Well, Peter,
I'm glad you're safe,

and everything's back to normal.

Yeah. Me, too.
And you know what?

I realized
how much I missed you guys.

What do you say
we turn off that TV

and do something as a family?

- (all gasp)
- Damn it.

He created another hologram.

(sighs)
I'll get my feet started.

- Brian, little "Camptown Races"?
- You got it.

♪ Da da ladies sing this song ♪

- I just gave you the title!
- Sorry, uh...

♪ Camptown ladies sing
this song ♪

- ♪ Da da... ♪
- It's "Doo-dah"!

At least I got one of 'em.

The second one doesn't count!