01x01 - Dead Weight

[bunniefuu]

- Get your skanky
ass away from me.

Hit the bricks.

Easy!

Dumb bitch.

- How you doin'?

Nice night.

Cool breeze.

Man, you know you didn't
have to treat her like that.

I mean, sure, yeah,
sometimes love can be cruel,

but it's an
unnecessary byproduct.

It's not the point
of the damn thing.

- I'm gonna count to ten.

Then I'm gonna bounce
you off the damn asphalt.

One, two, three…

- You a meat eater?

I'm keeping a close
eye on my cholesterol.

I heard carnivores had a
higher load in their blood.

- What the hell does my
blood gotta do with anything?

- I'm just trying
to watch what I eat.

- What?

- Thank you, everyone!

Thank you, everyone,
thank you very much.

Hello, Akron, Ohio!

I can't hear you!

There we go.

Today is not only the first
day of the rest of your lives,

but it is the best
day, because today,

we are going to learn
how to get what you want

out of the life
that you are living.

But you
can't get what you want

if you don't know
what it is, can you?

No, you can't!

- Tell me what I want.

- You want Sarah
to love you back!

Yes, exactly.

But it is not easy.

It's a journey.

And before I reach
my destination,

there's a secret
that I have to learn.

What's the
secret, Reginald?

- Tell us!

- If you always do what
you've always done,

you'll always get what
you've always got.

If you always do

what you've always done,

you'll always get what
you've always got.

If you always do what
you've always done,

you'll always get what
you've always got.

- Hey, Regi-world.

Regi-round.

Regi-wide, comin' through.

- You know eventually
fat-shaming

will lose its punch, right?

I'm so fat, I have
my own zip code.

I'm so fat that my favorite
necklace is the food chain.

I'm so fat that when
I step on the scale,

it says "To be continued."

I'm so fat that when
I go to the beach,

Greenpeace shows up to
shove me in the ocean.

I'm so fat…
- Yeah, I got it.

Super funny.

I'm about to die laughing
from how funny you are

about being obese.

- I'm so fat, that when I…

- Hi, Sarah.
- Hey, Reginald.

Never. No chance.

"Um, no, thank you, Reginald.

I don't like you like that."

Forever.

- Welcome to Slushy
Shack. How can I help you?

- Welcome to Slushy
Shack. How may I help you?

- You don't have to say
that every time, you know.

- Crazy thing.

- Actually, I… I do.
It's in the manual.

- There is no manual,
and we both know it.

I'll get a Chocoholic Blast,

but I want you to add just
a pinch of Tropical Coconut

in there with it,
but not too much

or I get a weird
aftertaste in my mouth.

- An exact pinch.
- It's just an expression.

But imagine taking a pinch
of slushy with your fingers

and adding it into my
slushy, but use a spoon

to add the same amount instead.

- Got it. Right away, Claire.

See you tomorrow night,

like always.

- "What's the Story,
Morning Glory?"

- Oasis, nice.

- "What's the Story"…
- "Work Bitch." Britney.

- "I'm So Bored in
the USA." The Clash.

- "We're Gonna Have to
Get Out of This Place."

- Ooh, in my "Little
Red Corvette"?

- "Shut Up and Drive."

- Ooh, "Bad Together."

- "Drunk in Love."

Because Queen Bey is…

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

- Sorry to interrupt.

Can I get a Sour Apple Scream?

- Sorry, we were just…

- Talking in song titles.

"I Like That."

Janelle Monáe, yeah.
- Janelle Monáe. Nice.

All right, I'm on break.

- Uh, we're all out of Sour
Apple Scream, actually.

It's quite popular.

- Pineapple Surprise?

- Oh, it's my favorite.

Have we met before?

- Nah.

No, it's, uh… It's
my first time.

- Welcome to the Slushy Shack.

How may I help you?

- Give me a minute.

I'll think of something.

Mmm.

Yeah, so the executive training
program is, uh, designed

to give candidates like
me hands-on experience

with day-to-day
franchise operations.

Right.

Hey, Reginald.

Third snack already?
- Oh.

Give it a rest, Todd.

- Dear God,

and/or grown-up baby Jesus…

whatever down payment was
made before I was born,

whatever was promised,

I want a refund.

Every cent, or I will report you

to the Better Business Bureau

or the Pope

and possibly the Mormons,

if they turn out to be relevant.

I was promised so much
that I did not receive.

The marketing was deceptive.

And, sure, I may not exactly
know how it all works…

Like, what life is handed
out to who and why,

but I'm beginning to
think a mistake was made

pretty obviously
not in my favor.

And as a result,
I'm not satisfied.

And you know what?

In addition to a refund,

I'd like a personal apology.

I would also like
bugless summers

and less active sweat glands

and someone to talk to
outside of the Slushy Shack.

And, like, maybe,

just one time, once…

a lucky break.

Whoa!

You scared me half to death.

Where did you even come from?

I didn't even hear you coming.

- What's your name?

- Reginald Andres.

- Call me Maurice.

- Hi, Maurice.

You know, I read once
that self-directed talk

is a healthy instinct.

It assists in stimulating,

directing, and
evaluating actions.

- I… I was asking for
things that I don't have.

- Yeah, like a prayer.

- I'm an atheist, actually.

- I'm not.

- How much did you hear?

- I believe everyone
deserves a refund,

someone to talk to,

bugless summers, too.

- Closing time. Grab a mop!

- You really like
her, don't you?

- Her name is Sarah.

- Maybe you should do
something about that.

Ask her out.

Take her to dinner and a movie.

- Funny. You know,
you'd like Todd.

He has the same kind of jokes.

- You're afraid.

- Unlike most men, I
know my limitations.

- Truth, Reggie?

Everybody gets to
write their own story.

- Okay, I like a
good fortune cookie

as much as the next guy, but…

Listen to me.

Go back in there.

Do not be afraid.

Ask Sarah if she has
plans Friday night,

because if she doesn't,

you think it'd be fun if
the two of you went out.

Maybe to dinner and a movie.

If she says no, that's okay.

Just say, "Cool.
Maybe next time."

But if she says yes,

you smile like you mean it,

totally comfortable
with your good luck,

and you say, "Great.
Friday. You and me."

"You and me" is a promise,
not a description.

You need to communicate
that to her.

And then you walk away,

like you just did the one thing
you were always meant to do.

Good luck, kid.

- About time.

- Hey, Sarah.
- Hey.

- Are you busy Friday night?

- Uh, Friday?

No. No, I'm not busy.

- I think it would be
fun if we went out.

Maybe dinner and a movie.

- Sure. I… I would like that.

- Great. Friday.

You and me.

- You busy Saturday night?

'Cause I think it'd
be even more fun if…

- Not a chance, Todd.

- Cool. Completely understand.

Yes!

Ah!

Ooh!

- If you always do what
you've always done,

you'll always get what
you've always got.

If you always do what
you've always done,

you'll always get what
you've always got.

If you always do what
you've always done,

you'll always get what
you've always got.

I was hoping you'd
show up again.

- Hey, Reggie. What's up?

- We need to have a very
serious talk right now.

- How's that?

- I have a date with
Sarah Kinney tomorrow.

Well, that's a
positive development.

You asked her out,
and she said yes.

- That's the thing
I don't understand.

- That she said yes?

- It's like I was there,

and not there at the same time.

Like, there was a
physical barrier

between my perception
of the moment

and the moment itself.

Like I was Reginald
and not Reginald

at the same time.

- Okay, okay. Yeah.

You might be
overthinking things.

It's just dinner and a movie.

- Which, under
normal circumstances,

is no big deal, right?

But seeing as how I've
never been on a date,

it's a very big deal!

- Hang on.

Not even once?

Okay, okay.

Uh, where does Sarah live?

- Uh, Magnolia and 40th?

- All right, um, meet
me at Saint Franks

an hour before your date.

- Do you think an hour's
long enough to prepare me?

I… I mean, I'm a
quick study, sure,

but, I mean, we're
talking about an arena

in which I have zero experience.

- Hey, do you trust me?

- Completely, but
I have no idea why.

- I'll tell you what to do,

every step, and
then you'll do it.

I'ma get a slushy now.

- Cool.

Cool, cool, cool. Yeah.

- You're a good-looking
guy. I mean, tell me,

how have you never
been on a date before?

- Are you serious right now?

- All right, I get it.
You're a big guy, but…

- Size matters.

That's pretty funny.

- It does. I mean,
I've never really had

the chance to work
on my dating skills

'cause I never really had dates.

And loneliness was sort
of my natural habitat.

And girls aren't exactly…

attracted to guys like me.

- Maybe they don't
know the real you.

It feels
like they have

a pretty good idea.

- Hey, 47 minutes
till your first date.

- Yeah, I'm gonna need
about ten more of these.

Listen.

sh*t.

- As you wish.

- No, no, no. Not you, Reggie.

- Are they friends of yours?
- Not even a little bit.

Look, I need to handle
this real quick.

It shouldn't take long.

- 46 minutes till my first date.

- On the clock. Got it.

- They seem nice.

- What's your name?

- Re… Reginald Andres.

- Nice to meet you, Reginald.

I'm Moira.

- Moira, stop that sh*t, now.

- Is he yours?

- Reggie, meet Moira, Penelope,

LeBron, and Isaac.

They need a couple
minutes of my time.

- Oh, more than a
couple, I think.

- Maurice has been bad.

- LeBron and Isaac need
to chat with me out back.

How's that sound
with you, Reggie?

I… I'll be right here.

- Moira and Penelope
will remain here.

- Oh, that's… that's
not a problem for me.

- Reggie, it's best
if you come with us.

- Okay.

- I'll miss you.

- Reggie, let's go.

- Maurice Miller,
for your defiance,

for your impertinence, look.

Look.

Get that sh*t outta here.

- Reggie. Reginald.

Reggie. Reginald. Reginaldo.

- Bonsoir, ma petit bouchée.

- You smell amazing.

- Do you wanna be ours?

- We're happy to share.

- When you say share,
what do you mean?

- Leave him alone!

- Damn it, Reggie.

Go away!

- Maybe just a taste
before we depart.

How… how did you…

- Pick's wooden.

- Do you think
you can tell Sarah

I'm gonna be late for the date?

You can use my cell.

- No, I can fix this, Reggie.

Okay, but I… I can't do
it without your say-so.

The decision has to be yours.

- Decide?

- That's right.

Decide to die now,
a few moments early.

- Why would I do that?

- So I can save you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- Okay. Okay.

I had the weirdest
dream last night.

- No, you're not dreaming.
- Right.

Right, right.

I get it. I know
what's happening here.

I'm still dreaming.

Like, this is the first
dream I woke up from,

and now I'm in the second one,
like it's a sequel, right?

Nah,
it's not a sequel.

- Of course you'd say
that. You're a projection

of my unconscious mind.

Whoa, wait a minute.

I'm not dreaming.

I'm lucid dreaming.

This can't be my blood.

I'd be dead.
- Yeah, you would be.

- You brought me here.
- Couldn't stay at the bar.

Cops were on their way.

- I'm not dreaming, am I?

- No.

Saint Franks.

In the alley.

Moira, Penelope, LeBron, Isaac.

I mean, Isaac is
ashes now, but…

while I was dealing with that,
Moira and Penelope got to you.

Look, Reggie,

you were gonna die, man.

I asked you if you wanted
to live and you said…

- Okay.

Ooh.

But what did they want from you?

- A Regional Director sent
them with a list of complaints.

Possible sanctions.

- Are… are you in sales?

- Reggie, you know
what I am, man.

- But what did
they want from me?

- Moira and Penelope like
to play with their food.

- Oh, no.

No.

Vampires are not real.

They're just a story.
- Look,

you're a mother… vampire, man.

You're undead.

You can never die.

Never grow old.

I mean, you can't die

unless someone stakes
you in the heart

or you get stranded in the sun,
but that's very, very unlikely.

- Can I still eat pizza?

- Yeah, go for it.
You can eat pizza.

- What about ice cream?
- Ice cream, too.

- So my taste buds still taste?

- I think you're putting
a little too much emphasis

on the pizza and the
ice cream right now.

- But if my digestive system
works the way it did before…

- Your taste buds still taste.

But what they wanna taste
most of all is blood.

It's the only thing
that nourishes you.

- Every day?

- No, your body will
tell you what it needs.

- I'm a mother… vampire.

Yes.

- Yes, that's the spirit.

- Undead.
- Completely.

- I will never age
and never grow old.

- All right, now you're
just repeating what I said.

- Superspeed. Vampires
have that, right?

- Yeah, I mean,
some cases, but it…

I'm a mother… vampire.

- We're gonna have to
workshop that catchphrase.

- Superspeed!

Whoo!

I'm a mother… vamp…

- Do not try that again, man.
- Yeah, no sh*t.

Why am I breathing?
Why am I sweating?

I'm supposed to be dead.

- Well, the thing that
makes us vampires,

it alters the functions
of every system.

All right, that's how
we can heal so fast.

But our organs, they
still work the same.

It's basically just
an acceleration

of your essential nature.

Okay, I was fast before.

Now I'm, like, fast-fast.

And I was strongish, and
now I'm crazy strong.

You get it.
- Wait.

Did you say superfast healing?

I have that, so that's cool.

- Yeah, that's cool, but, um…

look, the, uh…

the enhancements
of every vampire

are relative to the
condition they're in

at the time of their change.

Because the body
they die with…

is the body they'll
have forever.

- Whoa, wait.

What?

I'm like this forever,

and I can't do
anything about it,

and you didn't say
anything until now?

- Yeah.

Dieting isn't an option.

- But was it ever?

- You know what I mean.

- No dieting, all
right, but look,

we got other problems, okay?

Given your shape and size…

- You can say "fat."

I'm not afraid of the word.

- Okay, fat. Yeah.

Being a fat vampire,

that's gonna cause some problems

within the vampire community.

- Oh, like with your friends
that I met in the parking lot?

- Yeah.

Yeah, they were assholes
before they d*ed.

Vain, bigoted,
fat-shaming bullies.

- I'm not unfamiliar
with the attitude.

- Okay. Okay.

So then you understand why we
gotta keep this all low-key

until I can figure
out the consequences.

- Are you saying that
I may not be welcome

in the vampire community?

That they pose a thr*at to me?

Some things never change.

I'm gonna be like this forever.

If you always do what
you've always done,

you'll always get what
you've always got.

- That's a mouthful.

- Henry Ford said it.

Yeah?

Well, Henry Ford believed

Jews invented jazz to
corrupt America, so…

- Point taken.

- Sun's coming.

Time to go home.

- I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

I'm okay.

Ow.

Long story…

- So, Reginald, how
was the big date?

- Sarah's got the late
shift tonight, right?

- Dinner and a movie.

That was the deal, right?

You and…

Sarah.

God, you know what I
can't figure out is

why would she waste her time
on an obvious loser like you?

I mean, unless this
is like

one of those Make-A-Wish
pity parties.

Or maybe Sarah's just
a loser like you.

- Keep her name
out of your mouth.

I don't care what
you think about me,

but if you ever talk
sh*t about Sarah again…

- Take it easy, Reg.

Just kidding around.

Didn't mean any of it.

Freak!

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.
- Oh, my.

What am I seeing here?

- Binge eating disorder,
also known as BED,

is a life-threatening
condition usually accompanied

by debilitating guilt and shame.

The good news is that there
are effective treatments,

starting with psychotherapy.

My Aunt Joyce

suffered from BED.

Therapy helped her to address
the physical, biological,

interpersonal, and
cultural forces

attributing to her condition.

I'm gonna give you the
name of her therapist.

Now, insurance is going
to be a nightmare,

and too bad you don't
live in the Netherlands.

But the
important thing is

that you get the help that you…

Reginald?

- So on a scale of
one to "what the…,"

good or bad day?

- Does it look like I'm
having a good day right now?

- Well, hope springs…
- Eternal?

I get it.

Like the eternal hunger
burning me inside.

I can't look at people
without seeing their veins

or smelling their blood.

- Well, they're food.
- They are not food to me.

- What made you think
coming into work tonight

was a good idea?

- I missed my date with Sarah
because I was being turned

into an undead
creature of the night.

I wanted to say I'm sorry.
- You need to feed, man.

Or else everyone you see

is gonna look like
a damn blood bag.

You understand me?

- But I don't wanna k*ll anyone.

- You don't have to.

All right? Drink
what you need.

Make them forget you drank.

Just glamour
yourself some dinner.

Listen to me.

Sorry, not feeling it.

Dude, this was just for
demonstration purposes.

Vampires can't glamour
other vampires, all right?

Now you try.

Listen to me.

- Nah.

No, you gotta lean into it more.

Say it like you mean it.

- Listen to me.
- Mm.

There you go.

Look, you got this, man.

Just tap into that
big brain of yours.

- How do you know
I have a big brain?

- Dude, I'm your maker.

I know everything about you.

One more thing.

Until you feed,

everyone you know is at risk.

Sarah is at risk,

and I know you don't want that.

- I'd rather step into the sun.

- So you owe her
more than an apology.

We both know it.

- What happened to you?

I thought you were
working tonight.

- We need to break up.

- I didn't know
we were together.

- I mean,

we can't see each other anymore.

- We never did see
each other, though.

- I don't wanna go on a
date with you anymore.

And it was a mistake to
ask you in the first place.

- Okay.

Sure. Whatever.

- I knew it was you
without even looking.

- I'm your maker, man.

We share blood.

That's a powerful connection.

Look, wherever you are…

I know where you are.

Whatever you're feeling,

I feel it too, Reggie.

- My mom and dad
moved to Hawaii.

They love the sun.

I'm never gonna see
them again, am I?

- Probably not.

- Did you ever see your parents?

- Yeah.

Just once.

- My mom's this force of nature.

She's the reason I got my
bachelor of science degree

in business administration.

She thought it could
open any door for me.

And the Slushy Shack was just…

Was just supposed to be
research for a term paper.

Two years later, I'm still here.

- But you stayed, huh?

- Student loans are the
undead loans of loans.

They're eternal.

- Yeah.

- I didn't like my life much.

It was problematic in
a lot of ways, but…

I think I'm gonna miss
it, and I don't think

that feeling's
ever gonna go away.

- It will, Reggie.

Trust me.

One day, your old life,
it's just gonna seem like…

Like a dream you had.

One of those lucid ones.

- Are you 100% sure about that?

- Yeah.

100%.

- Look, a lot of these
kids never had breakfast

before we started the program.

Every grocer in the
neighborhood donates.

You need to donate.

- Angela.
- Yeah, let me call you back.

What happened there,
young soldier?

- Kids wrenched open a
hydrant, playing in the water.

Cop roughed 'em up for
no good reason at all.

Guess I took exception to that.

- Looks like it.

Yeah.

Yeah, wrong end of a
nightstick, what I get.

- Why don't you and
I go out tonight?

Talk about what it
is that you get.

- Hey, what were those,
uh… The cocktails we had?

- Mai tais.
- Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, they got cool
little umbrellas.

What is it that
you want, Maurice,

out there in the world?

What is it that you want?

- Justice.

- And how's that going for you?

- Well, how do you think?

- What if I told you there
was another way to fight?

A way to break those mother…

- I'd want you to tell
me exactly what it was.

And then I'd break 'em.

It's a change, Maurice.

And I can do that for you.

If you give me your permission.

- Is this change
something you did?

- It is.

- And when'd you do that?

Huh?

Let's just say

this isn't my first revolution.

- Wait, what?

Angie.

- Look, Angie, you didn't
need to tell me some story

if all you wanted was sex.

- I'm not asking
for sex, Maurice.

- Well, I'm getting some
seriously mixed vibes

right now.
- Do you want to fight?

- I said that. Clearly.

- Do I have your permission?

- Look, do what you gotta do,
but I think you're confused

what's happening here.

Do I have your permission?

Ahh.

- I think I like
your origin story

better than my origin story.

What happened to Angela?

- I don't wanna
talk about Angela.

- Did she teach you
how to live like this?

- Nah.

No, I had to learn
that on my own.

- Is that a rule?

- Why?
- Well, I'm hoping

you'll teach me.

- Yeah.

I can do that.

- I'm also hoping
you'll be my friend.

- Look, Reggie, I got
rules about friends.

Sooner or later, you know…
- Please.

Yeah. Yeah, I
can do that, too.

- That night behind
the Slushy Shack…

were you going to feed on me?

Yup.

- Why didn't you?

- I don't know, man.

I guess I'm a… A sucker
for true romance.

- We should have
told her last night.

She will not be pleased.

- It's not our fault.

- Maurice k*lled Isaac.

- Off with his head.

- She will understand.

And she will make him suffer.

We summoned Maurice,
as you requested.

- But he ignored your command.

- So I ate his companion.

- Maurice k*lled Isaac.
- Isaac is very much dust.

- His companion tasted
of Cornish pasty.

- You ate his companion?

- I was hungry.

- Well, did you
dispose of the body?

- Maurice chased us away.

There was no time.

- So you just left
evidence of your hunger

for others to find.

- I fear no living man or woman.

- Do you fear me?

- Justice dispensed.

- Justice deserved.

- Spare us.
- Please.

- Please.

Tell me about
Maurice's companion.

Page 44. "Post-Grammy win,

a new world is opening up
for Megan Thee Stallion."

Oh.

Page 62.

"By late 1979, Prince
and the Revolution

start to play their
first club showcases."

Page 377.

Maurice.

You won't believe what I can do.

- Hi.

This may come as
a surprise to you,

and it probably
interferes with your plan

to break up with me,

even though we were
never together.

But I gave it some thought,

and I reject your
imaginary breakup

and think that you
and I need to have

an open and honest conversation

about what's going
on between us.

Because I know
how you look at me

when you think I'm not looking.

But what you don't know
is how I sometimes…

look at you.

- Can I come in now, please?

- Okay.
- Okay.