01x08 - Who's the Boss

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Reboot". Aired: September 20, 2022 - current.
A dysfunctional cast must deal with their unresolved issues in today's fast-changing world.
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01x08 - Who's the Boss

Post by bunniefuu »

What's the difference between
a croque madame and a croque monsieur?

It's actually the exact same sandwich.

The croque madame has
an egg on the top of it.

So the female version
of the sandwich has an egg.

- That's really reductive.
- What do you want it to have?

Lipstick and a push-up bra?

Can I get a black-and-white cookie,
or is that gonna start a thing?

Excuse me.

Hi, Elaine.

Oh, network executive on the floor.

Hannah, Gordon, can I talk to you two?

In private?


Damn it, we're getting canceled.

Nobody's getting canceled.

Famous last words.

Now I have to go to
Puerto Vallarta with my wife.

Two things I love,
skin cancer and diarrhea.

Nothing for me, please.

There's been a bloodless coup.

- What?
- At Hulu.

Remember my boss Daniel Silva?

The one who promoted me
from research and green lit the show?

He got fired late last night.

Oh, shit.

They already brought in a new guy
who's cleaning house,

heads are rolling left and right.

I don't want to go back to Silicon Valley.

I'm too little to micro-dose.

- For me, it's just dosing.
- This is not good.

The new regime always wants
the old one's stuff to fail.

On my film c**t Saw, a new boss came in

and he cut our release in half,
down to two theaters.

I won't be able to
tell my family if I get fired.

I spent all Thanksgiving bragging about
my Disneyland discount.

- We get a Disneyland discount?
- Not for long.

Okay, okay, everybody relax.

You know, on the original run of our show,

we had four different network presidents

over like eight years.

You could set your watch by it.

So, trust me.
We got nothing to worry about.

Okay, okay, good to know.

Yeah, that is a huge relief.

So, who's the new guy?

Um, his name is Tyler Griffin.


So, Bree, what it's like
going from being a duchess

halfway across the world
back to your old show?

So fun!

I love this show more
than anything in the world.

And, yes, I will always cherish
my time in Fjordstad,

but being a royal was never really me.

You know, I'm a mid-western girl
with small-town values.

Do you mind moving?

You're staring and it's distracting me.

Speaking of royalty,
how do you feel about

the developments with
your ex-husband, the duke?

Well, that depends on which developments

you're talking about.

There have been so many lately.

That he's getting married
to his former assistant?

Yes, she is lovely

and I'm so thrilled

that he will no longer
be so sad and lonely

since I left.

And, of course, that she's pregnant
with his baby.


How about that?
I couldn't be happier for them.

And I've moved on, too.
Reed Sterling and I, we're back together

and nobody knows this,
but we're madly in love again.

And we're even talking
about having children ourselves.

That's unbelievable!

I know.

Why do you hate him so much
after all these years?

Tyler Griffin is
the reason the show ended.

He's just, he's a no-talent,

self-serving, back-stabbing liar

who failed upwards.

He's the kind of guy
he's like all smiles to your face

while he's sticking
his foot up your ass.

You know, that's a thing.

He changed our time slot four times

in one season, four times.

Our own fans couldn't even find the show.

Then he has the gall to tell the press

that we, quote, "under performed."

How's that? Under performed.

The word still frosts my b*lls.

So, I told the press
what actually happened

and that apparently didn't sit well
with him and he got really annoyed

and canceled the show.

I thought the show ended
'cause Reed left.

No, Reed never would've left
if we weren't circling the drain.

To be fair, Griffin may also resent

- the fact that you f*cked his wife.
- Also that, yeah, yeah.

- Wait, you actually slept with his wife?
- For revenge.

- I got the idea from Tin Men.
- Great movie.

Danny DeVito smashes
Richard Dreyfuss' Cadillac,

so Richard Dreyfuss seduces DeVito's wife.

I had the idea for that movie.

I was gonna write it over a hiatus,

but it turned out I never had the time
because we went too long on ALF.

Didn't you also claim
you had the idea for Tootsie?

And Caddyshack.

I have quite an impressive list
of films I almost wrote.

Okay, I'm sorry, can get back
to the important point

of you f*cking his wife?

Hey, before you get
on your holy high judgy horse,

let me point out that this
was during a very brief period

where your step mom and I
had an open relationship.

Not open, but it was ajar.

Ew. Oh, my God.

I mean, this is bad.
You understand how bad this is.

Seriously, are we gonna get canceled?

I just bought a mattress.

If we do, Alan can
finally write Casablanca.

- I have a funny story about that.
- Okay, I can't believe

we're finally in a groove here

and now it's gonna end
because you felt the need

to s*ab someone
in the back with your d*ck.

Also a thing.

- Stop.
- Relax.

He never even found out
about me and his wife.

And, trust me,
this prick has so many people

in town who hate him

that I'm not even a blip on his radar.

Excuse me?

Yes, Elaine?

Hannah, Gordon,
can I talk to you two in private again?

- Here we go.
- Adios, amigos.

- Hey, you know what.
- Everybody knows everything.

Just tell us.

Mr. Griffin wants to meet
with you and Hannah right away.

I'll cut you a check for the mattress.

Anything under a queen.

I didn't mean you.

- I'm usually on top.
- Fine.



- Clay?
- What?

Oh, man, you scared me.

I thought you were d*ad.

Even worse. I've been domesticated.

- I don't get it.
- I'm buying a f*cking house.

I'm supposed to sign the papers today.

- Wait, your first house?
- Yeah, I'm trying to stay sober

so I gotta move away from all the drunks

and drug addicts in my building.

Ugh. What if I say something stupid
and get canceled

and can't afford to pay the mortgage?

And do I even wanna be that f*cking guy
with the yard and bushes?

Aw, shit.

Am I gonna be the old man yelling at kids
to get off his lawn?

I used to do coke in bathroom stalls

and now I'll have a powder room.

Dude, it's normal to be nervous
when you buy your first house.

Imagine how scared I was.
I was 14.

You bought a house at 14?

Yep. Then almost every time
I made a movie,

I bought another one.

I have six now and I rent out five

through my Zack att*ck
Real Estate Holdings, LLC.

It's a sick deal.

Appreciation, passive income,
tax advantages.

How do you know all this?

I starred in the movie Little Slum Lord.

The character was complex
'cause he was mean,

but he also adopted a puppy.

Trust me, Clay.
Buying a house is lit.

If you want, I can go with you
to Bed, Bath & Beyond

and get all the stuff you need.

Zack, listen up.

If I ever go to Bed, Bath & Beyond,

bludgeon me to death with a pizza stone.

Hey, you okay?

I just found out in an interview

that my ex-husband is having a baby.

- Oh, no.
- I wanted kids, but he didn't

because he already had
these gross, stupid teenagers

from his first marriage.

I would have been such a good mom.

Yeah, maybe.

Unlike my mom,
I would never tell my daughter

her eyes were too close together,
even if they were.

I'd protect her self-esteem

and tell her she was
getting her tonsils out

and then secretly, I'd fix her.

Or maybe no kids.

Yeah, no, there's nothing wrong with that.

So, how did you handle it on camera?

Like a pro.

I said I was happy for him

because Reed and I were back together

and we were maybe gonna have a baby, too.

- You and Reed are back together?
- No.

Honey, he has a girlfriend
and his interview's up next.

- I know.
- Yeah, okay.

One of us should warn him.

- God, I'll do it.
- Good.

- Where is the...?
- That way.



I need to talk to you, it's urgent.

Okay, I-



I, I'm Nora, Reed's...

- Yeah, no, it's really nice to meet you.
- You, too.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

So, great to finally see all this.

- Ha!
- Yeah, yeah, I'm...

Reed, Reed thinks I'm in New York,
so I'm surprising him.

- That is a surprise.
- Yeah.


- Nora!
- Surprise.

- All right.
- Uh, what... I can't believe this.

Um, hey.

- Hi, hi.
- Hey.

Um, when did you,
what, how did you two, uh...

We just...

- Oh, we just, no, no, just now, we just...
- Uh-huh.

Because she came in
with something urgent

you wanted to tell him or?

It was nothing.

Oh, oh, okay.

So how did it go from urgent
running in to nothing?

Because it was a Wordle thing.

I couldn't figure out the Wordle

and then it just popped in my head

and now I'm not panicking.

It was so nice to meet you.
You are so pretty

in a strong and self-confident way

and I love your blazer.

What? Hey.

No, okay, hold on, what was that?

What was what?

Is there something going on
that I need to know about?

Between me and Bree? No.

- Okay, 'cause she just came...
- She didn't even knock

and she just came flying in

and we both know there's no way

she figured out the Wordle.

That one?

- Yeah?
- Reed, they're ready for you.

Oh, God, I have an interview.

- It's fine, I'm fine.
- I'm just...

I can't do this right now anyway,
so I'm gonna go back to your hotel.

I'm gonna rest.
That's what I'm gonna do.

- Yeah, that's great. Just rest up, yeah.
- Take a bath.

The tub's big enough for two people.

I'm guessing.

Based on how alone I feel when I'm in it.

I hear a female voice.

Is Bree in there?

Bree, I have your purse.

Okay. I'm gonna go.

f*ck' Dennis.

Right this way.

Thank you, Marty.

It's great to be at the wheel again.

Just bring me some hits.

When? This weekend?
That could definitely work.

You know we love Malibu.

Oh, you're in Oxnard.

Oh, yeah, oh, wait.

Oh, darn.
We got a wedding.

Yep, well, let's do something soon.

All right, gotta go.

I get the top job and all of a sudden,

I got more agents up my ass than
a hooker at upfronts.

So, I'm in my first staff meeting

this morning when I hear
"Step Right Up" is back

and it's mine.

And I think this is my lucky day

'cause I get to reconnect
with my old friend Gordan Gelman.


You must be Hannah.

I've heard wonderful,
wonderful things about you.

Oh, um, thank you, that's,
that's very nice of you to say.

And I understand you made
some kind of horror movie.

What-what was it called?

Um, it's called c**t Saw

and a lot of people think
it's a horror movie,

but it's actually not.
The title is a metaphor

for the struggle that women
face in a male-dominated...

- Right.
- Let's, let's get right down to it.

What, he asked.

Yeah, all right, so, uh,
just, why don't you say it?

We're canceled, right?

Is that what you thought?

- No?
- No.

I saw a cut of the new show

and I think it's really great.

- Oh.
- Especially compared to the original.

It's hipper, it's smarter,
it's less old-timey sitcom.

Hannah, I have to assume that's you

because it's, it's like a different show.

Um, well actually, it is more of a,

it's more of a collaboration.

Here's the thing.

What do you think of that actress
you just added, Timberly Fox?

She, she's great.

- We love her.
- Oh, well, then this may hurt.

'Cause I'm gonna cast her as a lead
in a new series.

We start sh**ting next week in Romania.

Uh, wait, what?

I'm taking your woman

even though you love her.

But I wanted to tell you face-to-face,

'cause I think it's the right thing to do.

- Hold up, um...
- She's huge in the next three episodes.

We'd have to throw out all our scripts
and start from scratch.

Well, I imagine
that'll be heartbreaking.

But, you can't just
take an actress from us.

We have a deal with her.

No, actually, we have a deal with her.

But, believe me, I take no joy in this.

Speaking of no joy,
I may need to make some cuts

in the promo and production budgets,

which we are all hoping will not lead

to the show's slow,
painful, lingering death.


Gordon, old friend.

You seem pretty quiet. What do you think?

- You really wanna know?
- I really do.

- Well, old friend...
- Dad, Dad.

I think God
doesn't give with both hands,

so when he made you handsome,

he figured, I can't give him brains, too,

so you charm people
into thinking you're interesting

and you, you bully people
into thinking you're smart,

but you're not.

You're not.
You're, you're a stupid, pretty man.

And you know what?

You wouldn't know a good show if...

If what?

- If it slept with my wife?
- Oh, boy.

Okay, there it is.

Well, so you know, we were all drinking

at a William Morris party
and she came on to me.


- Not bullshit.
- I remember it very clearly.

She leaned over
and she whispered in my ear

that she wanted me
because you under performed.

That was the word she used,
under performed.

Let's, let's go,
we don't need this assh*le.

Well, that was unfortunate.

Uh, yeah, yeah.

For the record,
I would never allow that

decide the fate of "Step Right Up"

because that would be wrong.

But is it just me, or would you be
better off without your dad?

With all due respect,
it's just you.


Gordon! Hey, Gordon.


What the hell was that?

That was the crowning achievement
of my career in television.

Oh, I see, you're proud
of your grandiose monologue up there.

I, I just wish I remembered
exactly what I said.

I should have brought
a writer's assistant.

You know, I'm gonna do that next time.

- Hey, you know what?
- There's not gonna be a next time,

if you don't go up there
and apologize to him.

The way I called back "under performed,"

that was a stroke of genius.
I'm telling you.

Writers in this town are gonna be
talking about this story for years.

It's gonna be like a new, "Who Jackie."

- What?
- You don't know who...

In the original Roseanne,
there was a writer...

I truly don't care.

Hey, you seem to have forgotten

that over 100 people work on our show,

most of them with families.

So what you did
up there may have been fun,

but you just jeopardized
all their livelihoods.

So good job, Tin Man.

- What's wrong?
- I'm freaking out.

There's a new boss at Hulu
who's f*ring tons of people.

I won't go back back to Deedle,
I won't do it.

Wait, slow down.

There's no way they're gonna f*re you.

You are amazing at your job.

Who else would tell the writers
to start the story earlier.

It doesn't matter how good
you are at your job.

When a new regime comes in,
nobody is safe.

Executives, shows.

Wait, you think shows aren't safe?

Do you think they'll cancel us?

Anyway, nice running into you.


Thank you for answering
all of my business questions.

Just performing the duties of my job.

The new guy has a bad history with Gordon.

They just had a meeting today
and things only got worse.

- Oh, man.
- This sucks.

I love this show.

Hannah said in season two,

they were gonna figure out
if Cody has a job.

And Clay!

I just convinced him
to go through with buying a house.

I better go warn him.

No! You cannot say anything to anyone,

especially not today
when there's a reporter on set.

But he's my friend.

Zack, the only reason I told you this

was because
I needed someone to talk to.

If I can't confide in you,

which dips below the previous ratings
in woman 18 to 49.

Well, I wish I didn't know that

because it puts me
in a pretty awkward position.

Well, I thought
our business relationship

was such that you could keep
sensitive data confidential.

If it comes at the expense
of one of our colleagues,

maybe we need to re-examine
that business relationship.

Good day.

I, I just need your signature here,

here and here and the house is all yours.

Put this right there.

You know, they say getting
your first sale is the hardest.

I, I really hope this real estate
thing works out for me.

I guess either way,
I end up on a bus bench.

- Dougie.
- You knew me since the beginning.

No bullshit, am I making a mistake?

- Absolutely not.
- No, oh, also, initial there.

When I'm dragging
my recycling bin out to the curb

or getting some
shitty kid's Frisbee off my roof,

will I even... still be me?

Sure, but you know what,
if, if you're leaving cans and bottles

on the curb, I could take
those off your hands.

Clay, wait.

- Do not sign that.
- What?

I'm not sure it's a good idea
for you to buy a house right now.

This morning,
you were all over me to buy it.

- What the f*ck, Zack?
- Yeah, what the f*ck, Zack.

Oh, also, initial there and there.

Wait, aren't you the HR guy?

Oh, sorry, I need
two jobs there, Hollywood.

I think you should wait

before making such
a big financial commitment.

- Why?
- No, no, no, no, wait, I've seen this.

He wants to swoop in
and buy the house himself.

By the way, if you don't have
a real estate agent...

Because this business is weird.

Things change. And nobody knows
how secure our jobs are.

Yeah. You're right.

Dougie, I think we should take a b*at.

- No, no, no, no, Clay.
- Let me punch this b*tch out.

You, you and I, buddy,
we have always bet on ourselves.

Am I right?

- Not really.
- I pretty much expect to fail.

Zack, is there something
you're not telling me?



I don't know anything.

Then f*ck it,
I can't think about this anymore.

- There, I'm neutered.
- Yes!

Yes, in your face, shithead.

Two people just got a home today.


So Reed, what's the best part
about being back on the show?

Uh, well, you know, Carly,

I really love being
back together with the g*ng,

but mostly I'd say the nicest thing
this time around is that

we've all settled into
our roles with maturity,

you know, with, um,
seasoning, if you will.

And we all are so familiar with each other

that there are no surprises, so.

I must say, I was surprised today
when Bree shared the happy news.

Oh, what news is that?

She told me that
you two are back in love.


And talking about having a baby.

- Really?
- I broke the news on Twitter 20 minutes ago...

- Oh.
- ...and "Step Right Up" fans

are already buzzing.

Well, no one is buzzing more than me.

So tell me what is
involved in recreating a...

Okay. Hee, hee, hee!

It's Nora, text me.


- No, no, no.
- Ooh.

What the actual f*ck
did you say to that reporter?

Okay, okay, I was trying to warn you,
but I didn't wanna do it in front of Nora.

- Oh, no, that's right.
- Yeah, better she finds out on Twitter.

- Oh, it's on Twitter?
- Is it trending?

Why would you say that to a reporter?

Look, I didn't mean to,
but I found out on camera

that Anders married his assistant
and they're having a baby.

I felt like I was drowning
and I needed something to hang on to.

Oh, like my neck?

Nora already suspects

that there's something
going on between us.

- She's the jealous type, huh?
- That is a red flag.

Red flag?

You are the one that just told
the world we're having a baby.

Ohh. Okay, drama queen,

I said talking babies.

We're not talking babies!

Well, we kind of are right now, so.

Hey, this isn't a f*cking game.

It is my life.

- I'm sorry.
- Mm-hmm.

I am.

You were the first person I thought of.

Why? Are you trying
to break up me and Nora?

- No.
- That's crazy.

Is it? I, I don't understand
what's happening.

Are you trying to get
back together with me?

Why are you asking me that?

'Cause I need to know.


I told you, I just panicked.

I don't know what's going on between us,

but the fact that
you would drag me into this

without any regard
for the consequences, oh God.

Oh... for 15 years,
I was sane and centered

and then two months with you
and I am heading down crazy river

straight toward bat shit falls

and I am done.

Oh, my goodness.

Is that Reed Sterling
and Bree Marie Jensen?

I heard these two have a baby
who's about to "Step Right Up."

Let's hear it for the happy couple.

We're not happy!

- All right.
- Speaking of comic monsters,

who here is a fan of
"Young Frankenstein"?


- Gentlemen.
- Hey, Gordon, how are you?

Good, good.

How did you get injured?

You told me
it was a sex injury from last night.

I was protesting last night.

Who were you having sex with?

Oh, shit, I forgot.

I forgot.

Hey, Keenan, let it run for a second.

Oh! You forgot your line

or you forgot who you
were having sex with?

Both, both.

Wait, I thought
you were having sex with me.

Oh, no, trust me,
I would remember that.

You guys were having sex
without me again?

- We were just having...
- That was part of the deal

of getting to stay.

Wait, do you even live here?

All right, thank you.

Do you live here?

How about if Lawrence says,

"Don't ask me, I still got
a middle-aged man living in my garage."

Wait, I though Cody lives in the garage.


Ow, you are really wound up.

You guys are lucky Janae's not here
because she would taken you down.

- What does that mean?
- She defends me.

- Oh, she does...
- Yeah.

Hi, me again, may I?

- By all means.
- I certainly enjoyed your last visit.

Thank you.

Well, look who's back.

- You got a minute?
- Anything for you, old friend.

Oh, Christ, it actually goes ding-dong.

- Clay Barber?
- I don't even know anymore.

This is for you.

Oh, good, you're here.

I woke up to about a dozen texts
asking me if it was true,

that you and Bree
are getting back together

and having a baby.

I mean, is it?

Oh, God, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

During a TV interview today,

Bree found out that her
ex-husband was getting remarried

and having a baby.

She freaked out and said
the first thing that popped into her head.

Why is that the first thing
that popped into her head?

I don't know and I don't, I don't care.

- Jesus.
- I've stopped trying to figure out

what's going on in her head.

But that is the reason why she rushed

into my trailer, to warn me.

But she saw you and then...

Nora, I swear that is what happened.

- On camera.
- f*ck.

- Yeah.
- That's brutal.

- Yeah.
- Ugh.

But still, I am, I am...

I am so tired.

I'm so tired.
I'm tired of the play.

I'm tired of us long distance.

I'm... the f*cking Face Times, I can't.

I just, I don't know,
I just, I feel like I'm,

I just feel like I'm losing you.

No, you're not, you're not, okay.

In fact, you know what?

Nora, marry me.

- What?
- Yeah, I love you.

You are inspiring

and intelligent and brilliant

and, and beautiful and rational.

You are everything
that I need in a person.

So what do you say?

I don't know if this is
the Ambien talking, or...

Yeah. Yes.

- Yes?
- Yeah.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

- Okay, yeah.
- Really!

Oh, God.

I can't believe we're doing this.

This is really happening,
we're doing this?

- Yeah, yeah. We are doing this.
- We are...

- We are really doing this. Yes.
- Okay.

Oh, perfect, it's my mother.

She has, she has a Google alert on you.

She has not stopped calling.

Tell her the news, there you go.

Okay, okay.

Hi, Mom.
Yeah, I'm with Reed right now.

Jesus, he's not an assh*le.

Why, why are you yelling?

- What?
- I know you're probably with Nora,

so just listen.

I wasn't honest with you before.

The reason I said
that we were still together

is because I knew it would hurt Anders,

because he was always jealous of you.

I guess he sensed that my feelings
for you never really went away

and that he would never
be the love of my life.

I think that honor belongs to you, Reed.

I just got engaged.


- Okay.
- Hey.

So just got off the phone
with Mallory and...

- Oh, your HR girlfriend.
- How's that going, the two of you?

- She's not my girlfriend.
- Not technically.

Maybe we're both waiting for the other
to say the word, I don't know.

Okay, anyway, she told me

that if Griffin messes with the show

due to a personal grudge,

that could be grounds for us...

Let, let me stop you right there.

I just met with him again, problem solved.

So you apologized?

Uh, no, I quit.

You what?

I had no other choice.

This guy is petty and ruthless

and if I stayed, I promise you,

he would find some reason to cancel us.

So, we made a deal.

I leave and he doesn't f*ck with the show.

- No, no.
- Yes.

- Uh, no. I'm sorry.
- You do not get to be the hero here

sacrificing yourself to save us all.

- Uh...
- Did you try apologizing?

Oh, sweetie, I'm too old

and too rich to apologize
to a guy like that.

I... that's not gonna happen.
I can't...

That's not in my DNA, sorry.

So you didn't even try.

Instead of swallowing your pride,
you're just leaving


I, I'm not leaving you.

I'm leaving an impossible situation.

Yeah, where have I heard that before?

No, no, this is not
like that, come on. You...

It's gonna be fine.

You, you totally got this.

You're doing great
and, and come on, you know,

it's not like we're not
gonna see each other.

We'll see each other all the time.

So do me a favor
and just thank everybody

for me and send my regrets.

- You're not gonna say goodbye?
- I... hmm.

I stink at goodbyes.

But you, you already knew that.

I'm proud of what you and I did here.

And the show's pretty good, too.

♪ Welcome to your life ♪

♪ There's no turning back ♪

♪ Even while we sleep ♪

♪ We will find you ♪

♪ Acting on your best behavior ♪

♪ Turn your back on Mother Nature ♪

♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪

Ding-dong, ding-dong.


Nice house.

What are you doing here?

I don't know.

I just don't feel like being alone.

Not sure I should be alone either.

♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪

♪ All for freedom ♪

♪ And for pleasure ♪

♪ Nothing ever last forever ♪

♪ Everybody wants to rule the world ♪
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