17x15 - You Are Here

[bunniefuu]

[WIND WHISTLING]

As the caretaker of
Lanceton Fashion Plaza,

I have loads of important duties.

For example,
every morning I flip these switches.

I don't know what they do,
but I flip 'em.

[THUD]

Yeah, what are these?

A big part of what I do

is unlocking the door in the morning.

If I don't do that,
I can't lock it at night.

Which is a huge part of what I do.

The mall's best days are behind her,

but you should've seen
this place in the heyday.

It was filled with shoppers,
horny teens,

and the perverts that come with them.

We still get some people.

Those are my bridge players.

A lively bunch, but I'm pretty sure

the guy in the hat is dead.

- [THUD]
- Oh! Never mind. He moved.

In the heyday, this fountain was
the centerpiece of the L-F-P.

There was a water show synchronized

to the "Young g*ns II" soundtrack.

People used to come from all over town

to watch her gush and squirt.

And when I say people, I mean perverts.

Lot's of 'em.

This used to be Macy's.

But we don't have an
anchor store at the moment.

The owner of the mall, Mr. Javitz,

is away working on finding a new tenant.

And he's got a pretty
big fish on the line.

It's a secret.

[WHISPERING] The secret
belongs to Victoria.

[NORMAL VOICE] That's all I know.

I'm hoping for a big ol' Talbot's.

[ "AMERICAN DAD!"
THEME PLAYING ON SPEAKERS]

[SIGNS BUZZING]

♪♪

A lot of people ask me
why I don't just quit.

"Malls are dying," they say.

But if Mr. Javitz hasn't given up,

there's no way I can.

He is the greatest man I've ever known.

Kind, generous,

and he knows basically
everything about rugby.

- [MICROPHONE THUMPS]
- [MUFFLED] What are you doing?!

Yeah, this doesn't seem like
it's gonna be a good movie.

What's wrong? Am I not talking enough?

We wanna make a documentary
about something fun!

[GASPS] Like monster trucks!

Vroom! Vroom!

Yeah! Monster trucks!
They're so loud and so big!

- Vroom! Vroom!
- Vroom-vroom!

Why can't I go to the good mall
and get a summer job there?

Because that's our mall,

and we don't want to
risk running into you.

Don't take this the wrong way, but...
you're kind of a nerd.

What is the right way to take that?

Not like that.

Now if you'll excuse us,
we have a very important

family meeting at Buca di Beppo

to discuss the plan
for our new food truck.

Why can't I work on that?

Because it's our idea.

You weren't there when we thought of it.

I'll always remember it.

You weren't there, and then,
bam, it came to us...

Fish sticks, but on a truck!

Now all we need is the
perfect food-truck name.

I've got some ideas!

No, you're not allowed to name it.

It's gonna be some gross sex pun.

You gotta have a gross sex pun

to rise to the top of
the food-truck game!

It gets attention and it
makes the food taste better.

There's no way it makes
the food taste better.

Uhp! Save it for the BEPS!

[TIRES SCREECH]

[SIGHS]

- [SILLY HORN HONKS]
- STAN: The BEPS is this way!

Oh, Mr. Javitz, I'm starting to think

we'll never get back to the heyday.

I can't remember the last
time we had any youth in here.

And where there's no youth,
there's no perverts, obviously.

Holy youth-a-mole!

A youth!

The heyday is back, Mr. Javitz!

Smells like an old fish t*nk in here.

Young boy! Stop!

Where you goin' with that smooth skin?

I'm looking for a job,

but it seems like there
aren't any stores here?

Well, why work for a store

when you can work for the whole mall?!

Erastus Junipero Horton, mall caretaker.

I don't know if I want to work
for you, Erastus.

Hey! I don't know if I want to hire you!

That's why we do the interview,
you cocky s-o-b!

No college degree,
no high-school degree.

And you don't have a résumé.

I had to grab this
paper from the printer

just to give you a chance.

And look at it. It's blank!

Steve, do you even want to work here?

- No!
- Hmm.

Interesting. And why is that?

This place is awful!

- I gotta have you! You're hired!
- What? Why?!

I like that you weren't
afraid to give me bad answers.

Come on. I'll show you around.

This is the food court.

There's only one restaurant right now,

but that should change
when Mr. Javitz comes back.

"Sloatmeal"?

Yep. Slow oatmeal.

If you're hungry,
I hope you brought something from home

because at Sloatmeal you have to order

hours in advance.

So it's not just a clever name.

I'm not even sure it's that.

With so many stores closing,

we've got a lot of
mannequins lying around.

You find any loosies,
you throw 'em in here.

Uh, Steve? Her dead,
flesh-colored eyes are up here.

Man, you are a lawsuit
waitin' to happen.

One of your main responsibilities:

Watering the plants.

- These look fake.
- Oh, they are!

But Mr. Javitz likes
for them to look wet.

Roger, why do you bother
with this place?

Mr. Javitz is the first person

to ever trust me with
this much responsibility.

And when a great man
shines his light on you...

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Like an ant catchin'
some rays under a magnifying glass.

Alright. Enjoy your first day!

Did I even agree to work here?

I guess so.

Steve! You hungry? We got extra oatmeal.

Mmm-mmm!

Tuttle, do you work here?

No! I just come here to exercise.

So I've gotten to know the crew.

Hi. I'm Lafrantz.

I own and operate Suitfather Part Two.

Why "Part Two"?

Suitfather Part One used
to be across the hall.

In the heyday, this part of the mall

was packed with discount suit stores.

There was Suitfather Part One,
Suitplantation,

These Suits Were Made for Buying,

Suitar Center, Suit Life of Zack & Cody,

and Zoot Suit Buy-It.

Now I'm the only one left.

With everything closing,
why don't you move somewhere else?

I don't know.
I guess I'm attached to this place.

There's a lot of good people here.

- Hello.
- That's Shania.

She runs Tender Hellos,

a very specific greeting-card store.

- _
- STEVE: That is specific.

Steve! It's terrible!
They're gonna demolish the mall!

That seems like it
could be the right move.

Stop! There are people inside!

Not that many people, but enough!

Relax! We're not gonna blow it up now.

That's right! We love to blow stuff up.

And we got so excited

that we came here
exactly one month early!

Well, you can't blow up the mall

without Mr. Javitz's permission!

Oh, yes, we can!

[GASPS] Evil bankers!

Mr. Javitz hasn't been
making his mortgage payments.

If you can't get the
money by next month,

we're going to demolish
the mall and build condos!

Condos?! The worst of all residences!

Steve, Mr. Javitz is gonna come through

with that anchor store,
but we gotta buy him some time.

Okay. Fine.

Oh, thank you!

Check it out. Got your wallet.

Let's see. What have we got here?

Oh, my God! You have a condom?!

Ohhhh noooo! Oh geeeez!

How long has this been in here?

Kid's got a rubber! Oh, my God!

It's been in here so long,

there's, like,
a circle indented into the leather!

Oh, that is so sad.
That is so hilarious.

I'm gonna tell everybody.

Anyway, here you go.
Thanks again for helping me, Steve.

I appreciate you so much.

♪♪

Okay. Stream of consciousness.
Let the ideas flow.

Oh! What if we let a stream
flow through the mall?

- Okay...
- Fine. Something else.

We're trying to get back to the heyday.

The hey... day...

Oh! What about a hay day?

We give everyone who comes
to the mall free hay!

Maybe we're too bound by hay.

Do you think we could maybe
open it up to ideas beyond hay?

What am I saying?
Hay's our bread and butter!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

What are they doing here?

I thought maybe it would help
to get some outside opinions.

Sure. Sure. Alright.

I guess my one question is,
if they have good ideas,

wouldn't Mr. Javitz have
left them in charge?

Roger, when was the last time
you talked to Mr. Javitz?

Hmm. I would say... , sleeps?

That's like... years!

Really? Wow! I'm so good at waiting!

Why is no one eating at our food truck?

I don't get it.
We've got plenty of fish,

which felt like it was
gonna be the biggest hurdle.

It's the name!
Please let me change the name!

But your idea is so gross!

[SIGHS] Fine. What have we got to lose?

KLAUS: You won't regret this.

I need seven sticks... five battered,

two double-dipped... on the fly!

Look at all this cash! We're rich!

Hey, I saw the name of your truck,
and I laughed so hard

I just had to try your fish sticks!

- _
- [GASPS] Daniel! You gotta get down here!

The food is just okay, but the name?
Oh, man!

It's kind of funny.

Wear something nice.

♪♪

So, how can we get
people back in the mall?

My daughter saved her rec center

by having a dance competition.

I don't wanna copy her exactly,
so maybe...

ski race?

I think Erastus the caretaker
is breeding wild dogs

in the old Miller's outpost location.

That's, uh... not really an idea.

No. No, it's not.

"I wish there was something
to eat besides oatmeal."

You sell this card in your store?

But that's it!

Roger, I've got it!

What is the b*ating heart of any mall?

Mr. Javitz's indomitable spirit?

No! The food court!
The key is the food court!

I don't know, Steve.
Unless you mean a food court

with, like, a big food judge!

"I sentence you to free hay!"

No, Roger!

We're gonna have a food festival

and fill the food
court with food trucks.

Dad just texted me that they
have a whole fleet of them.

They're doing really well, apparently.

Well, I guess we could tack
that onto the hay idea.

- Okay. Go for it.
- Yes!

We're gonna save the mall!

Also, Tuttle says you're
breeding wild dogs here?

If wild dogs are gonna be having sex,
which they are, a lot,

I would rather it be under
my supervision, Steve.

Don't bust my balls on this.

♪♪

♪ Well, we've got a lot, a lot,
a lot of hard work today ♪

♪ We've got to rock at
the government center ♪

♪ And make the
secretaries feel better ♪

♪ When they put those
stamps on the ledgers ♪

♪ And they got a lot, a lot,
a lot of great desks and chairs ♪

♪ Uh-huh, at the government center ♪

♪ We gotta make the
secretaries feel better ♪

♪ When they put those stamps
on all those letters ♪

♪ We've got to rock-a, rock-a,
rock-a non-stop tonight ♪

♪ Uh-huh, at the government center ♪

♪ Make the secretaries feel better ♪

♪ When they put the
stamps on the ledgers ♪

Gotta hand it to ya, Steve.

You were dead wrong about the hay.

People showed up for it.
We have saved the mall!

For now. But how long can
we really keep this going?

We only have to hold on until Mr. Javitz

comes back with a tenant
for the anchor store!

But, Roger,
people don't go to malls anymore.

And, honestly,
I don't think Mr. Javitz is coming back.

Steve, there are things
we don't joke about...

Mr. Javitz not coming back

and the time I sh*t my pants

playing racquetball with Judd Apatow.

You need to face it, Roger!

Mr. Javitz abandoned the mall,
and he abandoned you!

You don't know that! You don't know him!

How could I?!
He's been gone for years!

Please stop saying " years"!

[SOBS WILDLY]

Roger?

[ROGER SNIFFLING]

Roger?

[WHIMPERING]

Roger, I'm sorry.
I know I was a little harsh.

Here.

_

I just worry that with the mall
you're hanging on too tight.

Maybe it's time to let go and admit

that Mr. Javitz isn't gonna
walk through that door.

You're right, Steve. He isn't.

Because he's gonna float through it!

And here he comes now!

[HAUNTING ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS]

[STEVE SCREAMING]

Returning from the dark realm.

Floats like a butterfly,
floats like a bee.

It's... the J man! Mr. Javitz!

And this is Steve.

Steve, you're blowing it.

Jesus. Call some girls or something.

♪♪

Wh... what's happening?!

Mr. Javitz is a warlock, Steve!

This is why I was always
calling him the Bone Man.

You never called him that!

Let's not play "who said Bone Man when."

All I know is that years ago,

I looked into Mr. Javitz's
glowing red eyes.

And I've been doing his
heinous bidding ever since.

And I never looked back,
unless I was bid to.

It's simple, Steve!

You see, the mall...

is hungry.

- Duh!
- It is built

on an ancient evil spring
from which I draw my power!

And whenever it gets hungry,
every years or so,

the fountain awakens

and I help it feed on the living!

W-What's in it for you? Eternal life?

No, no. I already have that.

I guess I just do it to be nice!

So all the people who came
to my food festival...

my family... they're gonna die?!

The food festival was your idea?!

So smart!

You brought in so many souls!

Let's not downplay the free hay.

Steve, do you think

you would ever want to maybe...

look into my glowing red eyes

and become bound to me forevermore?!

But you've already got me!

Yes, but Steve is...

what's the word...

better?

Go after him!

Obviously, I'm gonna do this for you,

but before I go,
could I maybe just look into

your glowing red eyes
for like one second?

Uhh... maybe later, dude.

Totally get it. Totally get it.
Keep on rockin'.

"Keep on rockin'"?
What... he's a warlock!

That's the best you could come up with?

You're losing him!

Lafrantz! We gotta evacuate the mall!

Everyone's gonna die!

Whoa. Easy.

Sounds like you met Mr. Javitz!

Oh, no! Are you working with him, too?

[LAUGHS] No. Relax!

When Mr. Javitz feeds the mall,

anyone it consumes has their
soul trapped here forever.

I'm trapped here until
my soul fades away

and I become a mannequin,
just like the others.

The mannequins were people?!

Those of us who haven't
turned into mannequins yet

were trying to keep people away

by running terrible, terrible stores.

Is everyone in the mall a ghost?

No, but we don't have time
to go through that now.

I'll tell you later.

Listen. Shania and I have
a plan to save everyone.

- Hi.
- [SCREAMS]

Mr. Javitz draws his
power from the fountain.

So we'll have to destroy it.

Fortunately, the mall
is already wired with expl*sives

from the demolitions crew.

If we use those to destroy the fountain,

the mall will never
be able to eat again.

I mean, I follow you, but if anyone

was high in their dorm
room trying to understand,

they might want to splash
some water on their face

and do a little rewind.

Let's do this!

♪♪

_

Oh, Mr. Javitz. Where did I lose you?

"You are here."

That's right. And I always will be.

♪♪

♪ Before he was here ♪

♪ You were here ♪

♪ And so was I ♪

♪ To my surprise ♪

♪ I was hypnotized ♪

♪ By your glowing red eyes ♪

♪ You are here ♪

♪ And so am I! ♪

Everyone run! There's an evil warlock!

Nice try, buddy.

You gotta wait your
turn for Donut Whore.

♪ You believe you found
something in Steve ♪

♪ But he won't help
you k*ll them all ♪

♪ He won't help you feed the mall ♪

♪ You are here ♪

♪ And so am I! ♪

♪♪

The sprinklers aren't strong enough!

Through the old Baby Gap to safety!

You know, a lot of my girlfriends ask me

what I see in you, Mr. J.,

why I stick by you when
you treat me like this.

And I say, "listen, girls.

He's hypnotized me with
his glowing red eyes!"

♪ You are here ♪

♪ And so am I ♪

♪ One look at Steve ♪

♪ Made me believe ♪

♪ He will help me k*ll them all ♪

♪ He will help me feed the mall! ♪

[CROWD SHOUTING]

♪ He is here ♪

♪ And so ♪

♪ So am I! ♪

[CACKLES EVILLY]

♪ I should walk away ♪

♪ I should let go ♪

♪ I should admit that this is over ♪

♪ But I don't know how ♪

♪ And that's the theeeeeeme ♪

♪ You are here ♪

♪ And so ♪

♪ Am I ♪

Awaken, my evil spring!

It is time for your feast!

Also, I gotta tell you
about this kid Steve I met.

He's amazing!

Wut da heck is dis?!

STEVE: They're all gone, Mr. Javitz!

I saved them all!

I told you he was amazing!

Steve, are you sure

you don't want to even glance
into my glowing red eyes?!

He's not interested!

Mr. Javitz, you took everything from me,

and now I'm taking everything from you.

And that's perfectly suitable!

Nooooo!

Ungh! Mmeeh! Ahh... Or...

Lafrantz! No!

ROGER: Nooooooo!

I never should've hired you!

Aah!

♪♪

I can't lose you, Steve!

Those glowing eyes.

They're so... red.

MR. JAVITZ: At last you are mine!

Are you frickin' kidding me?!

Aah!

[SCREAMING]

Do you think he'll be okay, Steve?

I just want him to learn a lesson,
you know?

MR. JAVITZ:
This fountain is the one thing

that can destroy me forever!

Do you think he heard me or
did he say that randomly?

He's so random.

It's one of the things
I like most about him.

After his glowing red eyes, of course.

[SCREAMS]

[BUBBLING]

[WHOOSH]

♪♪

All those years of loyal service,

and he still couldn't see me.

You were right, Steve. I had to let go.

- Steve? Are you listening to me?
- [FINGERS SNAP]

[ELECTRICITY PULSATING]

Oh, man. Javitz got you good!

I've been there, buddy. Enjoy the ride.

It's rewarding as hell.

Okay, dadders, it's time to answer

Steve's question about who was a ghost.

Me and Shania? Ghosts!

The guy who ran the
Bazooka Sharks socks store?

Not a ghost!

The lady who ran the oatmeal store?

G-g-g-ghost!

The documentary crew?
One ghost, one regular!

Tuttle? You bet your ass
he was a [BLEEP] ghost!

Bye! Have a beautiful time!