02x07 - att*ck Ad

[bunniefuu]

Green light.

Red light.

Gregory. There you are, my guy.

Hey, did you hear
this whole thing about Chris

in Ms. Williams' class, his mom?

Green light. The lady with the lip ring?

Yeah, she got arrested.

What?! Red light.

- Go on.
- Oh, this is bonkers.

Arrested for what?

Mm. Protesting workplace conditions.

Oh. Green light.

No, no, no, no. It gets good.
It was at that strip club, Virgo's.

Red light.

Well, technically,
just outside the strip club.

Yellow light.

Red light.

The cops throw her
in the back of the car.

One of them was her cousin, though,

so I think they just drove her home.

BOTH: Green light.

[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]

Eight-year anniversary.

It's Medieval Times.

He wouldn't stop speaking
in a British accent.

Freed all the knights' horses,

which caused
a little traffic thing, so...

Tariq is in town, so I asked him

to grab the rest of his stuff.

I decided that when
your relationship is % over,

your ex shouldn't be keeping,

like, % of his things at your place.

His Pokémon plush toy, Charmeleon.

He said it was the only thing
that understood him.

"Dragon Ball Z," "Gundam"
figures, "att*ck on Titan."

A lot of anime.

Wait, I think the last one was manga?

He would always get sad
when I confused the two.

It's all gotta go.

Good morning. Ooh, I love that jacket.

That's so cute. Love it.

Hey, no running in there!

Please have a seat.

Mm. Yellin' at 'em.

Just like on TV.

Hey.

'Sup, lower case?

Oh, Khalil.

He's doing great.

Kid's got his seven multiples down now.

Try not to take him on
a field trip to the casino.

Okay.

Thank you.

And I thank you, Joshua.

Hey, keep your head up, Mr. C.

We know you're trying your best.

Excuse me?

I saw the commercial
about the school on Hulu

when I was watching "One-Punch Man."

Oh. Great show.

I love that he can defeat
anyone with just one punch,

yet when tasked with the mundane, he...

Wait, what commercial?

Uh... ooh.

There is a commercial running
saying how bad Abbott is,

and we are all in it.

Jacob, we're munching on our lunches.

Wait, a commercial?

That's why that parent said
something about me on TV.

Was there a bit about me gambling?

'Cause a parent said something

that almost triggered
my fight-or-fight response.

Mm, you mean fight or flight.

No. I'm not a flippin' bird, Gregory.

There's a commercial with all of us.

- Turn on the TV!
- Yeah.

KATRINA: So, come on down
to Katrina's Braid Emporium.

Nigerian braids, American prices.

- Located at...
- There has to be a better way.

Y'all not gonna believe this,
but I was watching "Gourders,"

that show about pumpkin hoarders,

and a commercial about Abbott
came on. It's bad.

I had to watch two more episodes
before it played again.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

WOMAN: Philadelphia students

deserve to have a quality education.

It's impossible
for these students to succeed

because traditional
public schools are failing.

♪♪

They don't need teachers
with shady backgrounds.

Feels light.

Alright, which one of youse
is holding out on me?

Shouldn't our children be
allowed to express themselves?

Please stop dancing.
Please stop dancing.

Please stop dancing.

They don't need teachers
that belittle their culture.

Good job, dawg!

Arf! Arf!

Don't our children deserve
teachers they respect?

Alaya.

[DISTORTED VOICE] Sit down.

If you have any respect for
yourself or your neighborhood,

you'll support
Legendary Charter Schools,

developed solely for your neighborhoods.

Charter schools are
how we can get good teachers

the support they need.

BARBARA: Yeah!

♪ Legendary Schools ♪

Is this a diss track?
Let me get in the booth.

I don't even sound like that, dawg.

This buffoonery will not stand.

How did they even get this footage?

- Yeah.
- A camera crew came in.

I thought it was one of them.

Oh, like y'all can tell
these moderately attractive

white men with beards apart.

What's even under there?

See, this is why I never
trusted any of youse.

Now, get the cameras out of my face

before I give you a colonoscopy with it.

We need to get this commercial
taken down.

Yes.

And just so you parents know,

any commercials you may have
seen are not true.

This is an excellent school,
and your children are learning.

- Yeah, right.
- Yeah, it is right.

But, like...

[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Hey, girl, hey!

So, I started watching that show
about couponing savants.

Uh-huh.

- Couldn't get into it.
- Oh.

You truly do have the taste of
a middle-aged Midwestern mama.

Well, thank you, Erika. [LAUGHS]

Oh, what are you doing tomorrow?

I found a new paint-and-sip,
but this one got hookah.

Oh! Oh, but I can't.

Tariq is coming by my place
to pick up his stuff tomorrow.

- Girl.
- "Girl"?

You can't have that man
come to your crib.

Why not? We're broken up.

- It's history.
- Exactly.

Too much history there.

Listen, you need to meet him
someplace neutral and unsexy.

Okay. Like, um, a school parking lot.

- Mm.
- Or like a cheesesteak spot.

Well, he finds shaved meat sexy,
so parking lot it is.

- Let me know how it go.
- Okay.

[BOTH LAUGH]

GREGORY: I got surprises.
I can do surprises.

[AMBER LAUGHS]

Psst! I think we might
just be able to nip

this commercial in the bud.

Melissa called in a favor.

And now you've made me an accessory.

She's got a friend who's a lawyer.

Oh, fun.

Okay. Yeah.

- Mr. F. A. D. E.!
- Aw, yeah.

[STUDENTS CHEER]

Wassup, my little No Limit Solders?

How y'all doing? Yeah.

Hey, Tariq. What are you doing in here?

I told you to come at noon
and to wait in the parking lot.

I know, but these are my day ones.

Had to come say "what's up"
to the little studious homies.

Ms. Teagues, can we show Mr. F.A.D.E.

the new sight words we know?

- Ooh. Yes, yes.
- STUDENTS: Yeah!

Ooh, pwease, Ms. Teagues?

Pwease?

I love your skirt, by the way.

Makes me want to play "Candy Land."

Oh. Thank you.
I knew it was giving Princess Lolly.

You're doing it. You're doing it.

Look, I have to teach,

but I guess you can stay
for a little while.

- I'm chilling.
- Okay.

Alright. Tell me about
these on-sight words, y'all.

What, they trying to catch
these hands or something?

[LAUGHTER]

I did worry it might be awkward,

but I don't think it's actually possible

to be awkward around Tariq.

- No, it's good.
- Good news, too, so...

- Yeah.
- I'm... I'm super-hype.

Oh, I hate to be the perpetual resident

of Buzzkill, Pennsylvania,

but, uh, we are meeting
with the lawyer any minute...

I am the lawyer.

Oh.

Of course you are.

I knew that.

"Erin Brockovich" is, like,
my favorite movie.

This is Candace.
She's a friend of my family,

and she's a beast in the courtroom.

Candace is the reason why Martha Stewart

had a window in her cell.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Melissa briefed me on what's going on,

and it sounds like you have
a strong enough case

to sue these chumps
for all they're worth.

Yes. I knew this principal thing
would work out for me one day.

Now, how much money are we talking?
Like, a foldable stack?

To be clear, this camera crew
trespassed, right?

Well, actually, I let them in.

Okay, but they used
your likeness without consent.

Yeah, well, we did sign these.

Um... but they misrepresented
what they were doing?

Well, they did say they were
coming to get footage of us,

- which they did.
- Yeah.

Okay, so, uh, what I'm seeing here is,

you guys just failed to pay attention
to what was happening.

You have absolutely no case,
and, in fact, according to this,

you might each owe Legendary Charters,

yeah, $ for crew fees.

- For what?
- Candace!

MELISSA: Let them try to get the money.

Wait, so you are saying that
we're just gonna have

to see this commercial forever,

and there's no way
we can get it off the air?

You could pay for Hulu
without commercials.

- D...
- Mm-hmm.

Aw, yeah.

My dawg.

Thanks for giving me
some of that good TP.

Mm.

You know, we can't get this in New York.

You look good, by the way.

Oh.

Thank you. You look good, too.

I mean, glad to hear
you're k*lling it up there,

selling out those school auditoriums.

I mean, that's the dream.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah.

I mean, keep it on the down low,
but, uh, I'm in talks to play

Nick Cannon's next baby shower.

'Kay.

Uh, alright.

Well, um, glad it's all
finally happening for you.

Yeah.

Alright, well, I should
probably get back to class.

Or... Or we could continue this
conversation at Bahama Breeze.

Old time's sake?

[CLICKS TONGUE]

JANINE: It's just dinner.

I was gonna have dinner anyway.

But now it's with someone
I used to date for a decade.

So, I'm just a single girl having dinner

with the only person I've ever
had a sexual relationship with.

[DOOR OPENS]

I did it.

I found the dirty rat in charge
of Legendary Charters.

Melissa Schemmenti comes through again.

How'd you do it?

Oh, I've got my ways.

I Googled it.

But I like to maintain
that air of dark mystery.

Scumbag's name is Draemond Winding.

He's a real piece of work.

He's a big name
in New York charter schools.

Now he's got his sights set on Philly.

Well, what's our next move?
How do we get to this guy?

- Find his grandma.
- Find his mother's mother.

I say we just let this thing
wind itself down.

Not the first time anyone's said
anything bad about Abbott,

and it certainly won't be the last.

What's with the change in tune?

[CHUCKLES] The more we fight this,

the more attention
we bring to the commercial.

Okay, but this is personal.
They called us bad teachers.

Yeah, uh, not all of us.

Some of us came off looking
pretty good in that commercial.

That is not what this is about.

Then what's it about... Barb?

I do not agree with anything
in that commercial.

I just think that we need
to find a different way

to get what we want.

If... If we stoop to their level,
we're no better than they are.

They go low, we go high.

Yeah. Eyes, nose, throat.

No.

Ayo, talent manager,

what you doing hanging out
with that dirt?

Oh, nothing. I just like
coming out to the garden.

I don't ever touch it or do
anything to make it better.

You're a weird dude.

That's cool.

And, um, what are you doing here?

Oh, you know, I'm just picking
some stuff up.

Then I'm going to din din
with 'Neen 'Neen for some nom noms.

[CLICKING TONGUE]

- Y'all are going to dinner?
- Yeah, yeah.

You know, we're gonna see how it goes,

but maybe afterwards go to a Redbox,

take it back to her place, you know?

You know what her favorite
movie is, by the way?

You don't know what
Janine's favorite movie is?

I think it was "Up."

Maybe it was "Us."

Something with an "uh" sound
somewhere in there.

I've been taking these new brain pills
that got nootropics in them.

They clearly "noot" working.

- I said, "They 'noot' working."
- Yeah, I heard you.

- I heard you. Yeah, I heard you.
- Okay. Okay.

And that's why we're "Ghana"
learn about Africa next wee...

Joshua Richardson, pack your things.

Your transfer to Addington
has been approved.

Joshua, how could you?

I didn't. My mom did, you dork.

Damn. Oh. [STUDENTS GASP]

I'm leaving. I can talk how I want now.

My God. That commercial's got these kids
transferring left and right.

You know how much paperwork
goes into a transfer?

I've signed my name,
like, six times today.

And, what, they just want me
to know the date?

We gotta put a stop to this.
Parents are calling me names.

A couple of them said that
I look like somebody

who I definitely do not.

Deuces, Squidward. [SNORTS]

Uh, alright, buddy, I will, uh,
catch you on the flip.

See y'all broke bois later.

Okay.

♪ Legendary Schools ♪

Um... [POPS MOUTH]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

If you have any respect for yourself
or your neighborhood...

- you'll support...
- Ugh!

...Legendary Charter Schools...

I cannot escape that commercial.

- It's like T-Pain in ' .
- You know what?

Barb doesn't want to help, fine.

We have the name and number
of Legendary Charters' CEO.

I say we just give him a call.

E-mails may be Janine's thing,
but phone calls are mine.

He's CEO of a company.

He's not gonna just answer an
unknown phone call, Scrappy-Doo.

Well, then I will leave
a voicemail for the ages.

Someone picked up. Hello?

I'd like to speak to Draemond.

[WHISPERING] It's him.

What kind of weirdo
answers a random number?

Well, this is Jacob Hill,

history teacher
over at Abbott Elementary.

Heard of it?

Whenever you want to stop hiding
behind your little commercial

and come down here...

Oh, you will come down here?

You've got an opening this afternoon?

Well, I don't have my schedule
in front of me,

but, um, yeah, that could work.

Yes.

No, I've never considered voice acting.

Oh, mezzo-soprano, actually,
but that was ages ago.

Yeah, maybe I will. [CHUCKLES]

Mm-hmm.

Okay, buh-bye.

What'd he say?

That I remind him of
a seasoned Timothée Chalamet.

About the commercial, dummy.

Uh, he's coming to Abbott.
He wants to talk.

And he sounds handsome.

Oh. A twist.

See you tomorrow.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Ah, that's still straight.

Yeah.

Yup.

So, what's up?

Uh, I ran into Tariq outside. Mm.

He said you guys are going out tonight.

Oh, yeah. It's just gonna be
a little catch-up sesh over dinner.

Well, he may think it's
a little bit more than dinner.

You sure it's a good idea?

I'm sure, and you don't really
have to worry about it,

'cause it's kind of
none of your business.

S...

Just looking out for a friend.

Yeah, no. Thanks, friend.

When is this guy getting here?
I am losing my nerve.

And you're getting on mine.

[DOOR OPENS]

DRAEMOND: Ava Coleman.

Draemond Winding. Pleasure to meet you.

Got him. [LAUGHS]

Principal Ava Coleman.
And of course it is.

MELISSA: I'm surprised
you were able to make the time.

Shouldn't you be off somewhere
shutting down an orphanage?

You must be Melissa Schemmenti.

Who the hell you think you are,
knowing my name?

[CLEARS THROAT] And, uh, I,
of course, am Jacob Hill.

We spoke on the phone.

Remember?

Chalamet?

Your commercial was all wrong, okay?

And very disrespectful of our school.

years, and this place
still smells exactly the same.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, did I forget to mention?
I, uh... I was a student here at Abbott.

Wait, you went to Abbott?

I did.

There she is.

The greatest teacher I ever had.

Mrs. Howard.

Been far too long.

Oh.

Barb, you taught that doorknob?

You just a secret Sith, huh?

Draemond was in my very first class.

Oh, such a beautiful child.

He was going through a lot at home.

He was so young,
and he already felt like

the world had turned its back on him.

I couldn't let him feel that way.

Well, he a grown-ass man
wearing Florsheims now,

so you need to recognize.

And he's trying to bring down Abbott.

Damn. [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Oh, I'm just waiting on 'Neen.

Did you pick those flowers
out of my garden?

No?

With a cohesive vision
and some direction,

you can even turn
a place like this around.

That's what we do at Legendary Schools.

STUDENT: ♪ Legendary Schools ♪

Look at that. See?

I'd be willing to bet Abbott
Elementary's never even thought

about something like branding, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cut the crap.

You use kids in your att*ck ads.

How much you really care about them?

We just aired what we sh*t.

You didn't make it tough on us.

Look, the conditions
of this place are abysmal.

Not to mention you have
a principal who knows more about

the cast of "Love Island"
than she does her own students.

Hey! Just as much.

Look, the fact that you've been
able to retain a talent

like Barbara Howard
this long's a miracle.

She's honestly the only teacher

that still qualifies
this place as a school.

- Hey.
- Enough!

My classroom now, Draemond!

I'm coming.

I actually haven't been back
to Bahama Breeze

since Tariq and I broke up,
so... I don't know...

I think it'll be nice
to sh**t the breeze

at the Breeze again, as Tariq would say.

Oh. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, God.
Why use permanent marker, Tariq?

[CELLPHONE VIBRATING]

[SIGHS]

TARIQ: Yo, 'Neen, turns out
my ride isn't coming,

so just like old times,
I'mma need you to gas up the Coroll-ie,

'cause we setting sail for the Breezy.

Choo-choo! [LAUGHS]

Also, I owe you half a sandwich.

Wh...

Sometimes, it's nice to be reminded
you made the right decision.

My sandwich is half-eaten,

but my cup is half-full.

This is wild.

[CHUCKLES]

You know, I remember spending
plenty of time in this corner

when I'd get in trouble.

Oh, you had your good moments, too.

[CHUCKLES]

Draemond, nothing makes me happier
than seeing my students succeed,

and you have surpassed
every expectation.

You know, when I left your class,

I bounced around public schools,
totally lost.

I ended up at a charter,
and they gave me

a fighting chance
to become the man I am today.

But you can't blame everything
that was going on in your life

at that time on all public schools.

Can't you see?

I'm trying to make schools better
for the Barbara Howards of the world.

Draemond, what you are doing
hurts teachers like me.

You're still teaching me, huh?

[DOOR OPENS] Yo.

- Hey.
- You ready to go? I'm starving.

I've been thinking about that Jamaican

Jerk Shrimp Pineapple Bowl all day.

[CHUCKLES] Booyaka!

[CHUCKLES] All I had to eat today
was half that sandwich, so...

You know what?

I have had a long day, Tariq,
so I think I'm just gonna hang at home.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
We can just get the food to go

and then go hang
at our pl... your place.

Maybe we can, uh,
watch your favorite movie.

You know, the one with...

ol' boy.

Yeah, no, I don't think
that's a good idea.

Tariq, I think it's best
if we have a platonic,

non-meal-sharing relationship.

- Yeah.
- Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's cool, 'Neen. That's cool.

I'll just have my girlfriend take me.

- Your what?
- Girlfriend.

Third woman I've ever been with.

Might as well be the fourth
with the things we be doing.

- You know what I'm talking about?
- I don't.

Hey, baby. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dinner with my ex got canceled, so, uh,

I'm free to hang out with you now.

[LAUGHS] Okay, boo-boo.

Yeah. [LAUGHS] Buh-bye.

Guess you're not going out
with him, then?

No. No.

I'm probably gonna just go home
and watch a movie.

"Jumanji"?

It is my favorite.

See you in the morning, Gregory.

[DOOR OPENS]

Draemond and I had a little chat.

He'll be taking the commercial down.

- Oh!
- Yes! Yes!

Only Barb can still school
her kids after all this time.

But I will say that that commercial
did catch my good side,

and I hope Jim Gardner caught it
before it came down.

[LAUGHTER] Barb.

Okay, fam.

Come on.

Barbara doesn't see that I'm
trying to help her, but that's okay.

The visit has inspired me.

The commercial is neither
here nor there,

because I'm gonna turn
every school in Philadelphia

into a Legendary Charter School.

Next up... Abbott Elementary.

♪ Legendary Schools ♪

Tell me that's not catchy. You can't.

Oh, oh, yeah, the anti-drug
stuff's been going real good.

Shout-out to F.A.D.E.
for believing in your boy.

I just put out my album,
"METH-od to My Madness,"

on Reeq Reqords. Yup.

That thing went double mahogany.

Yeah. It's on top of The Chartz,

which is a Spotify playlist that I made.

Check that out.

Uh, what else?

Been hitting up a lot
of New York Liberty games,

trying to get on them
halftime shows, you know?

Them ladies tall...

which is my new type.

You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.

Oh, recently just did this, uh,
commercial jingle, too.

♪ Legendary Schools ♪

Yeah.

Came up with the melody myself.