03x01 - The People Need You

[bunniefuu]

Randall, that is so surprising.

I was surprised, too,
Bibi, but it's true.

The French Bulldog has been voted

the most popular small dog
in North America.

I think Cheese would agree with that.

- Wouldn't you, Cheese?
- ALL: Aww.

I think she would, Bibi.

[LAUGHTER]

And I don't know
why she has to dress like me.

[LAUGHTER]

[BOTH SIGH]

In more serious news,

Americans continue to miss
their morning cup of joe

thanks to the ongoing
global coffee bean shortage.

The lack of caffeine
is fueling the collective ire

against President Taft,
who was caught enjoying

an affogato at a private event.

Affogato-gate has
many citizens wondering

if they would have been better off

with Dwayne Johnson as president.

Randall, you've spent a lot of time

with then-candidate Johnson
on the campaign trail.

- He's my best friend, yes.
- So where's he been, Babe-ili?

I mean, it's been a full year
since the election,

and no one has seen Dwayne Johnson.

Official word is, he decided
to step out of the public eye

to focus on family,
businesses, and charities

until yesterday...

when the elusive Johnson
was spotted in a parking lot.

- What's your name, champ?
- Nico.

Nico.

You doing good, Nico?
You stayin' strong?

Yeah, I wish you were president, though.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, you and my mom.

My mom says it must be hard

knowing America doesn't need you.

ALL: Ooh.

Okay, uh, let's go meet Dad.

- Oh, my goodness.
- Ouch.

Whew.

Um, we have to take a quick break.

This is "Chatter Box" with Randall Park.

And Bibi Storrs. We'll be right back.

Okay, and we're live again
in five, everyone.

- You about to send a nude?
- [GASPS]

Don't.

[LAUGHING]

Bibi, ugh, I swear.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

- Hey, Dwayne!
- Hey.

Oh, man.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, it's so good to see you.
- Good to see you. Yup.

[SIGHS]

- Aw.
- Aw!

- Aww!
- [LAUGHS]

This feels like home.

You gonna let go?

- There we go. Ahh.
- Yes. Yes.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

All right. Come on in.

You know, I haven't seen you
since we recorded voiceover

for that movie "Huskies".

[ADVENTUROUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I want to be a husky.

And one day, we will be.

- Great film, huh?
- Yeah.

Are you excited about the sequel?

Wha... what sequel?

Hey, man. Yeah, so, uh, wha...

what's up with the emergency text?

Um, I-I just wanted
to make sure you're okay.

I saw the parking lot video.

Oh, come on, Randall, I'm fine.

Totally fine. Thank you for asking.

Are you hungry?

So are these bad boys.

Uh, you know, I actually am,
like, really hungry,

but I guess we can eat after.

Yeah, fish first.

- So you sure you're good?
- Yes, man, I am great.

And I'm so happy that I'm not
running for president anymore.

I don't have to be perfect.
I don't have to be polished.

I can finally be myself again.

I can roll around in my pickup truck.

I can tell my dirty jokes,

like the one about the Catholic pig.

- Did I ever tell you that one?
- No.

All right, so a Catholic pig
walks into the doctor's office.

And [BLEEP].

And the doctor said,
"You want me to do what?"

And the pig goes [BLEEP].

And [BLEEP]...

bagpipes [BLEEP].

And then that's
when the squirrel walked in

and [BLEEP].

Then he said, "I gotta
make sure that thing fits".

[LAUGHS]

Can you imagine me saying that
on the campaign trail?

I can't imagine anyone saying that ever.

I know, that's
why the joke is so awesome.

No, look, I am good.

And of course, the election
was a very public loss,

but I've spent a lifetime
as a man in the arena,

like that great Teddy Roosevelt quote.

- Do you know that one?
- Mm.

"It's not the critic who counts..."

- Mm-hmm.
- "The credit belongs

to the man who was
actually in the arena".

"And who at the worst, if he fails,

at least fails while daring greatly

so that his place shall never be

with those cold and timid souls

who neither know victory nor defeat".

Powerful.

Great man, great moustache.

Similar to my moustache, right?

Mm.

Randall, I have won and lost
in big arenas my entire life.

Plus, I've also grown up with
men and women in the arena.

And I can tell you firsthand

the ups and downs
that come with all of that,

like when my dad found out

he wasn't going to be on
the card for WrestleMania I.

He went to Saudi Arabia
to wrestle for the WWF

and possibly an additional show

with a promoter that my Uncle
Afa had connected him with.

Man, I love Riyadh.

We haven't even wrestled a match yet,

and they're treating us like stars.

Hey, I love it, too, brother.
Look at this.

We got gold chains sitting
out here next to cucumbers.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Habibi, are you Rocky Johnson?

The one and only. You got a pen or...

I have a phone call for you.

- Hello?
- Rocky!

- Pat Patterson.
- Pat?

Hey, how... how... how did...
how did... how did you, uh...

We know, Rock.

- Know... ?
- We know!

Me and Vince know
you booked a show over there

in Saudi Arabia for some other promoter,

even though you're under
an exclusive contract with us.

I-I... uh, you... you know,

I thought I'd fit in a show out here

since you guys are busy
planning WrestleMania.

'Ey, it's fortuitous.

- It is?
- It is!

Vince wants to open up
the Saudi Arabia market, too,

you know. A lot of money over there.

So you'll lead the way internationally

while Vince focuses on WrestleMania.

He's betting the farm on this one.

No one's ever done a pay-per-view

wrestling show before.
Are people gonna watch?

[SCOFFS] I don't know.
What are we, boxing?

Listen, tell Vince

I'm gonna wrestle for the WWF out here.

Exclusively for us, yeah?
Not for some other promoter?

Of course.

I'm under contract with you,
and I'm gonna honor that.

That's it.

I'll let Vince know.
He'll be happy to hear it.

- Talk to you soon, Rock.
- A'ight, thanks, Pat.

Now I just gotta tell Afa.

Taxi!

[TIRES SCREECH]

Rocky made good on his promise, though.

He wrestled exclusively for the WWF

and opened up Saudi Arabia
as a new territory.

And the fans loved him.

There was just one problem:

WrestleMania.

It was groundbreaking,

unlike anything anyone had ever seen.

Shattered records,
live attendance, pay-per-view.

It was a phenomenon that would change

professional wrestling forever.

Sometimes we think we're on top,

but in reality,
the bottom has dropped out.

Let me tell you something, brother!

Yes, Afa, like I told you
when you called an hour ago,

as soon as Rocky gets in
from his flight,

I'll have him give you a ring.

Sorry, I'm just so eager to talk to him.

That trip to Saudi Arabia
really bonded you two, huh?

Oh, our relationship
will never be the same.

[CHUCKLES] Okay, fa.

[SIGHS]

You think Dad and Hulk Hogan
will ever team up?

[DOORBELL RINGING]

Well, I guess you can ask him yourself.

- Champ's home!
- Dad!

Hey, Dew!

Oh, look at you.

Thanks, buddy.

There she is.

I missed you, honey.

Oh, I missed you too, babe.

I missed both of you.

Also, I picked you up
a little road gold.

Oh, it is gorgeous,
but it looks expensive!

Uh-uh, no buts.

I took care of my lady

and my boy.

A Saudi Arabian Mazinga?

Thank you!

Awesome.

Oh, I'm so glad things
went well for you out there.

Me, too, babe. Me too.

Uh, actually, I was thinking

about that conversation
we had before I left,

the one about you breaking off from Lia

and starting our own promotion business.

Funny, I've been thinking
about that a lot, too.

Look, the... the way
things went overseas,

it seems like I'm on this
rocket ship with the WWF.

And who knows what territory

they're gonna have me open up next?

It made me think that

maybe we should hold off
starting our own promotion.

You know, don't rock the boat
while the seas are smooth.

I'm so relieved to hear you say that.

I agree with you!

- Really?
- Yes!

So you like working with Lars Anderson?

No!

But I had this dream last night.

[CROWD CHEERING]

[ORGAN MUSIC]

Sir, I'll take a malt.

You need a ball?

No, Mom, a malt.

A ball? Yes, I have one.

Here you go, my beautiful daughter.

And this one is for you, too.

And this one.

Here is another.

Mom, why do you have so many...

Wait, give one back.

I'm thirsty.

Thirsty?

Could I bother you
for a baby melon, miss?

I'm parched from delivering
the Gettysburg Address.

Of course, Honest Abe.

And then Abe and my mom started kissing,

and that's when I woke up.

The hell kind of dream is that?

An informative one.

Baseballs symbolize opportunity.

- Watermelons mean vengeance.
- Okay.

And Abraham Lincoln
is obviously a metaphor

for my father, Peter.

I agree with you.

I'm gonna give working
with Lars and my mom a sh*t.

Well, great. That's all you had to say.

[BOTH LAUGH]

[PHONE RINGING]

That's probably Afa.

He's been trying to get ahold of you.

- Nuh-uh, that can wait.
- Ah!

Pack your bags.

Vince invited all his VIPs

to a big party in New York City.

[GASPS]

The WWF partnered with Cyndi Lauper

on her new music video, "Good Enough",

from the movie "The Goonies".

And Vince threw a party to celebrate

the video's premiere.

And my dad was ready to celebrate

his success in Saudi Arabia.

Oh, there are so many
famous people here.

That's what other people
are sayin' about us.

Dad, you gotta introduce me
to Hulk Hogan.

Except my son, who keeps me grounded.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Wow, Mr. T?

Let me tell you something, Chunk.

You make me laugh.

You make me laugh, too, Mr. T.

How so, Chunk?

- Mm.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey, look who it is.

- Rocky Baba!
- Hey.

We missed you at WrestleMania, Rock.

Yeah, sorry I couldn't make it.

Vince needed me in Saudi Arabia

opening up that international territory.

That right?

Hadn't heard about
the international thing.

It's gonna be huge, Lou.

I'll catch up with Vince tonight

and talk about which territory
I'ma open up next.

Maybe Austria.

Wrestle some of them von Trapps.

[LAUGHTER]

Is Hulk Hogan here?

Hey, kid, what are we, chopped liver?

Yeah, we definitely chopped liver.

Come on, Dew. Let's go find him.

Just look for the tan bald spot.

[SPEAKING SAMOAN] _

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I direct your attention

to the stage
for WWF Chairman Vince McMahon.

[ALL CHEERING]

Thank you all for joining us tonight.

Uh, boy, it's been
a special month for the WWF.

As you know, because
the whole world knows,

WrestleMania was a phenomenal success!

[ALL CHEERING]

Yeah.

And one of the big reasons why

is a woman I'm about to introduce.

One of the great talents
of our time, Miss Cyndi Lauper!

[ALL CHEERING]

Thank you.

- Yeah!
- Thank you, thank you.

Well, Hulk said he got a little nervous

walking through the city at night,

so I said I'd escort him.

[LAUGHTER]

You mess with me, you get
the / -inch pythons.

- [ALL CHEERING]
- Whoo! Yeah!

Anyways, I always felt like
rock music and wrestling,

they belong together
like an unstoppable tag team.

So I'm proud to introduce

what the WWF and I made: "Good Enough".

♪ Good enough for you ♪

♪ Is good enough for me ♪

♪ It's good enough ♪

Yeah! Yeah!

[SHOUTING]

I'm not sure what this has
to do with "The Goonies",

but the video is great.

It just would have been
better if I was in it.

This video is the best thing I ever saw!

Look how strong my body looks! Zoom it!

I just don't understand

what kinda gas station I was running.

Hey, brother, got a minute?

You're Rocky Johnson's kid, right?

Uh...

That headband you got on, little man,

it's a prototype,
the only one in existence.

I was testing it out for wearability

before we mass-produce, brother.

So I gotta ask you
to do the Hulkster a favor.

You think I can have it back?

Promise I'll send you a new one
in a few weeks.

Uh, yeah. Here.

I spilled a little cream cheese on it.

Duly noted, Hulkamaniac.

Eat your vitamins!

I will.

Whoa. Wait, which vitamins?

Hey, kid, put your hand out.

That's also one of a kind.

Thanks, Cyndi Lauper.

Well, aren't you gonna wear it?

It's kinda big.

Just keep your hands open.

That's it.

- What's your name?
- Dewey Johnson.

Very cool, Dewey Johnson. Very cool.

They used my worst takes!

I disagree. I was there.

And that was as good as you gave them.

[LAUGHTER]

Rocky.

Hey, good to see ya.

Hey, Vince. Oh, good
to see you, brother.

- How you doin'?
- Doing great. Doing great.

- Hey, can you do me a favor real quick?
- Yeah.

Can you get that Kn*fe out of my back?

Ahh!

[LAUGHTER]

- Enjoy yourself.
- All right.

I didn't know what
"Kn*fe in the back" meant,

but I knew it wasn't good.

- So Vince was mad?
- Yeah, Vince was pissed.

But I thought Pat said he was okay

with what happened in Saudi Arabia.

My dad broke his contract with Vince,

and that's the bottom line.

Now, if WrestleMania had flopped,

then maybe Rocky Johnson in
the international marketplace

might have been a priority.

But it didn't, so he wasn't.

Yeah, work conflict can be rough.

You know, my coworker, Bibi,
slightly lowered my chair

because she thought I was
parking too close to her car.

- Were you?
- Yes.

There you go; that's what happens

when two people enter
the arena, Randall and Bibi.

Yeah. I hate her.

You know that moment
at the party I told you about?

That was the beginning

of a real rough patch
in my dad's career.

And it was also something
that I had experienced myself

when I first started wrestling
for the WWE.

This is when you were
wrestling under the name

- Rocky Maivia, right?
- That's right.

Rocky Maivia, Intercontinental Champion.

The good guy, the babyface
who fans were supposed to love,

but they hated me.

They were booing me in arenas
all across the country.

They even booed me
right outta WrestleMania .

Eventually, I realized
that they were only doing it

because I wasn't being authentic

and I wasn't being real.

But in that moment back then,
I didn't know it.

That Intercontinental belt on my lap

meant I was one of the two
most important champions

in the company, but I also felt like

the biggest loser in the world.

Sometimes it could be really lonely

when you're the man in the arena.

But as treacherous of a place
as a wrestling locker room can be,

the empathy of the boys,

even my most competitive colleagues,

that was something I'll never forget.

Do you wanna wear my mask
for a little while?

Like, to the store?

Might cheer you up.

I got beers in my locker.

Help yourself to all of 'em.

I drew this for ya.

What's that cloud thing?

It's a fart.

The fart's pushing you.

Meanwhile, Vince had seen
all he needed to see.

You can only push someone
on the fans for so long.

Take the belt off the kid.

Okay, boss.

So that's exactly what happened.

I lost the Intercontinental Championship

to my good buddy, Owen Hart.

As much as that sucked,

at least things were better
outside the ring.

Dany and I had gotten back together.

And soon after that,
I moved back in with her.

- [DUMBBELL THUDS]
- Whoo!

That was a good set.

- Right?
- Yes.

There we go.

Now you can see all the spices you have.

Oh, you're out of onion flakes.

Thank you, Mrs. Johnson.

There we go.

Now you can remember where you come from

every time you walk in.

And here's the bowl for your keys.

Thank you, Grandma.

She was rolling
with my family pretty well.

And she even made it
to some of my matches.

There was a section reserved
for wives and girlfriends,

and Dany would come straight
from her job at Merrill Lynch.

So nice that you brought
your lawyer to the match.

Ha!

- That's my man.
- Yeah.

Unfortunately, it felt
like I was living out

in pro wrestling
what happened to my dad.

I went from being the champ
and wrestling on TV every week

to wrestling sporadically,

often not on TV, and always losing.

[EPIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

It was all a little too familiar.

Ring the bell!

One, two, there!

Ring the bell!

My dad went from wrestling in the WWF

to wrestling at used-car dealerships

in less than two years.

But he was still doing
everything he could

to earn a living and
take care of our family,

and I'll always love him for that.

Why can't we turn on the radio?

Because it drains the battery!

You want me to buy a car
without testing the radio?

- Are you crazy?
- Who are we kidding?

- You can't afford this car!
- Hey!

- You struck my car?
- Oh, yeah!

Oh, you better get your hands off of me.

- Get outta my lot!
- Hey!

Hey, look! It's Rocky Johnson!

I just wanna test the radio!

You can't test the radio!

Ahh!

Hey, glasses, look! He can't breathe!

This is the best deal you're gonna find!

Watch the fight in the ring!

Hell of a show, Dad.

Hey, thank you, Dew.

Crowd could have been better, though.

That fight by the old
Maverick pulled a lot of focus.

That guy should have
let him turn on the radio.

How's he gonna buy a car
without testing the radio?

It'll probably be the last
match of mine you'll see

before you head to Miami.

Wish it was memorable
for a different reason.

It's gonna be hard being
so far away from home.

Ah, not as hard as
playing bigtime D- football.

I'm ready.

I know you are, son.

Just remember, it's a rare opportunity

for an athlete to compete
on a stage that big.

It's hard work getting there,

and it's hard work staying there.

But you always gotta
give it everything you got.

My dad was giving me advice,

but it also felt like
a pep talk for himself.

But I took that with me,

and it helped me during
that difficult time in

when I was doing
untelevised WWF house shows.

The tougher things got around
me, the harder I worked.

I was gonna rise to the challenge

and give it everything I got.

[YELLING]

Little did I know things were
about to get even harder.

That must have been so hard,
getting injured

with everything up in the air like that.

Yeah, that was tough.

And I had a long and uncertain
road ahead of me.

But you've known me long enough now

to know that I've dealt
with a few failures in my life.

So what was harder?

Going down with that injury

or losing the presidential election?

Oh, man, in a life
full of ups and downs,

those were two real low points.

But that's also part
of being the man in the arena.

If I fail, at least I fail
while daring greatly.

You know, in the case
of running for president,

I think I just stepped
into the wrong arena.

My place is not
in the world of politics,

and I'm okay with that.

- Hmm.
- Come on.

[PHONE BUZZING]

Hold on one second.

Ah, speaking of which, an old buddy.

What's up, Mr. President?

Hi, Dwayne.

How did you know this was me?

- Taft?
- Is that Taft?

Yeah, this is President Taft.

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

I have the White House
number in my phone...

and I'll update it later.

Tell him I'm here but I don't say hi.

Randall's here and he says hello.

- No.
- All right, Mr. President.

So... what's up?

There's a national emergency, Dwayne.

The people need you.

What's going on?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I think that's a good idea.