04x23 - Poor Old Dad

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Father Knows Best". Aired: October 3, 1954 - May 23, 1960.*
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The series, which began on radio in 1949, follows the lives of the Andersons, a middle-class family living in the town of Springfield.
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04x23 - Poor Old Dad

Post by bunniefuu »

[Announcer] Here are...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

and Lauren Chapin in...

Ah.

Oh, boy!

Dad, this... this is only fine.

Yeah, this really swims.

Is that good?

Good? It's pale green.

Who'd you say you got this from?

Wes Coglan. He's
an old friend of mine.

I don't believe
you've ever met him.

Is he that bachelor
friend of yours?

Yes. He won it in a raffle
at a sportsmen's luncheon.

He needs another g*n
like a hole in the head,

so I made him
a ridiculous offer,

and... [chuckle]... he took it.

Well, you're a good boy,
Dad. I'm proud of you.

When are we
going to try this out?

Well, what about this weekend?

This weekend? Are you kidding?

No. I thought we'd pack up

and pull out early
tomorrow morning,

make a weekend of
it. What do you think?

I'm with you! In fact, I'll get
the gear out of the basement.

We can start
packing it right now.

Good.

- Dad.
- Huh?

Are we really going?

I mean, actually?

Well, sure. Why do
you act so doubtful?

Well, you know what happens

to a lot of these trips we plan.

Something comes
up, and we can't go.

Well, we're going.

I have a free
Saturday and Sunday,

and I'm dying to get
out in the country.

- So start packing, boy.
- Yes, sir!

- Take that with you.
- Yeah.

[Kathy] Hey! Watch
where you're going!

Sorry, squeegie,
but I got work to do.

Me and Dad are going
hunting in the a.m.

Really? Can I go?

Nope. This is just for men.

Just for masculine male members

of the hearty h*m*
sapiens species,

so scram, squeegie.

Sappy-ens is right.

You look happy. You
must have had a good day.

Oh, pretty good. I
was just telling Bud

I have one of these
rare free weekends.

Oh, well, I'm glad to hear it...

So I thought that...

because we just must drive out

and see Aunt Ione.

- Ione? You mean tomorrow?
- Yes.

Oh, I know it's a long drive,

but I had a letter from
her, and she's not well, Jim.

She needs a sun lamp

and is wondering if
she could borrow ours.

I see.

Well, I don't suppose

we could drive out
there next weekend.

Oh, no. No, we
mustn't put this off.

She's sick and lonely,
and she needs us.

And as long as you
have this weekend free...

Oh. You didn't
have any other plans

for tomorrow, did you?

Plans?

Uh, no. Of course not.

Well, good. I'll fell so
much better if we do this.

Bud.

I, uh...

Well, uh...

Something has come up, and...

Yeah, I know. I
heard Mom telling you.

Oh.

Then you know why we can't go.

You see, Aunt Ione isn't well,

and your mother...

I understand, Dad.

You do?

Sure.

I know how things are.

Well, it's, uh...

[laughing]

I was sure you'd
blow the roof off.

Why should I? You
can't fight City Hall.

No, I guess not.

I tell you one thing, though.

We'll go next weekend for sure.

Sure, Dad, sure.

Don't worry. We will.

Poor old Dad.

He's married and really trapped.

Can you fix a wobbly leg?

Well, later on I'll try

if you'll put the
salads on for me.

They're in the refrigerator.

Okay.

Mommy, why don't you and
I ever go on a hunting trip?

Hunting? You and I?

Sure. Like Daddy and Bud
are going to do tomorrow.

Well, in the first place,
they're men, and...

Tomorrow?

They're not going
hunting tomorrow.

Yes, they are.

Bud's in the basement now

getting the camping stuff ready.

So I don't see why you and...

Hmm.

Jim, what's this
about a hunting trip?

Huh? Oh, there's
no hunting trip.

Well, Kathy said
that you and Bud

were planning one for tomorrow.

Well, we did
mention it, sort of,

but we're not going.

Why couldn't you tell me?

We could have worked
this out somehow.

Oh, perhaps I can go
to Ione's on the bus.

Bus? Ha ha ha ha!

I can just see you climbing
on a bus with a sun lamp.

Oh, no.

Besides, this is more
important than a hunting trip.

But I feel guilty. I...

Well, don't. I don't care.

Really.

And it also proved that
our boy is growing up.

You should have seen
how philosophically

he accepted the disappointment.

[Margaret chuckles]

Oh, you're not going anywhere
tonight, are you, Father?

Well, I don't think so. Why?

Well, I'm going
bowling with Ralph,

but I have to type
a history report.

Well, actually, it's all done...

In pencil, I mean...

So you just have to
copy it. No thinking.

Would you do it?

Well, I don't know.

Maybe.

Poor old buzzard.

Oh, Father, you're a doll.

Betty, just a minute.

What's your problem, sonny?

No problem. I just don't like

the way you take it for granted

that poor old Dad's supposed
to stay here in this bear trap

and do your work for you.

Had it ever occurred to you

that poor old Dad
would like to go out

for the evening himself?

Look, I'm not trying to
make him stay home.

All I said was...

What's with him?

I don't know.

Hmm.

How are you getting along, Dad?

Hmm? Oh, fair.

I'd do a lot better if I could
read Betty's handwriting.

Mm-mm-mm.

Dad, why don't you just revolt?

Tell her to do it herself.

I don't mind.

In fact, I, uh,
sort of enjoy it.

Hmm.

Well, uh...

I guess that's
about the only way

a guy can look at it,

under the circumstances.

Under what circumstances?

Oh, you know.

A guy in your position,

I guess all he can do
is resign himself to it.

Resign himself to what?

- Well, you know...
- [doorbell rings]

I guess that's Ralph
coming to pick up the Queen.

Oh, hiya, Ralph.

Come on in. I'll see if the
Grand Duchess is ready.

Thanks, Bud.

Hey, Tallulah, Ralph's here!

[Betty] I'll be down
in five minutes!

- Tell him to sit down.
- Sit down.

Five minutes, she says.

That'll take her at
least a half an hour.

Oh, no. Betty's pretty
prompt, for a girl.

You should see some of them.

Ralph, are you
planning to marry Betty?

Uh, well, uh...

What I mean is

are you thinking of
getting married some day?

Uh, well, uh, sure,

but, uh, I want to
finish college first

and then get established

so I can, uh, take
care of her properly.

Yeah.

Ralph, have you ever really
thought this thing through?

What thing? What do you mean?

Well, look, here you are...

Healthy, fairly
young, independent.

Tonight, for example,
you're going bowling.

Now, do you think you'll
be able to go bowling

after you're married?

I don't know why not.

Betty likes to bowl, too.
We can do it together.

I think a husband and wife
should do things together.

Oh, you'll do things together,

but they won't be the
things you'll want to do.

They'll be the things
she wants to do.

Oh, I don't know about that.

It won't be that
way in my house.

Oh, well, that's
what you say now,

but just wait.

Take my dad, for example.

Now, there's as nice an old guy

as ever came down the pike.

Now, you might not believe this,

but he was young once.

Had hopes, ambitions.

Liked to hunt, fish.

Now look at him.

Poor old duffer.

Caught on the old flypaper.

Well, now, he doesn't
seem that way to me.

Oh, well, he tries
to pretend he likes it.

I will say this. He sure
takes it without a whimper.

Oh, Bud, you've got the
wrong slant on this whole...

Suit yourself.

I can tell you it's not for me.

Ah, when you grow up, Bud, it...

Oh. Hi.

Hi. Sorry. I took so long.

Do I look all right?

Oh, great, great.

Uh, but isn't that

kind of an odd outfit
to go bowling in?

I tried to call
you, but you'd left.

There's the most wonderful
movie playing at the Rivoli,

and Marge and I thought

it would be much
more fun to go there.

We're going to pick her
and Ray up at her house.

- You don't mind, do you?
- Uh... [chuckle]

Uh, well, I'd, uh, I'd
rather go bowling.

Oh, no, Ralph,
don't be like that.

We can bowl next week,

but this is the last
night for the movie.

I hope you enjoy
the movie, Ralph.

Come on.

Well, we'll talk it
over with Ray first.

Maybe he'd rather bowl.

Just a minute, Bud.

I, uh, want to talk to you.

Oh, sure, Dad.
What's on your mind?

I, uh, happened
to overhear your...

[Margaret] Jim, would you
come here a minute, please?

Just a second.

- You'd better go, Dad.
- In a minute.

- Now, look, son...
- Hurry, Jim!

The water heater's broken!

Water's running all
over the kitchen, Jim!

Coming!

[dialing]

Hello, Jeannie? This is Bud.

Oh, okay.

Say, Jeannie, about
our date tomorrow night,

I'm afraid I won't
be able to make it.

Oh, I, uh... I got an
awful lot of work to do.

No, I... I'll be too
busy next week, too.

Oh, well, me, too, but
that's the way she goes.

Oh, I'll see you
around, Jeannie.

So long.

What a shame.

She seems like such
a darn good kid, too.

Thanks, Ralph. Oh,
say, this is Wednesday,

so should we go to the library

and work on that report tonight?

Nope. Tomorrow night.

Oh.

Well, all right. :?

:.

Oh. Okay. :.

Okay. See you. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Mother, what do you suppose
has come over Ralph lately?

Come over? What do you mean?

Well, ever since
last Friday night

when we went to the
movie instead of bowling,

he's been acting very strangely.

He insists on having
his own way all the time.

That doesn't sound like Ralph.

No, no. He used to be so nice.

I'm getting a little
sick of him. Ooh.

Well, Bud's been
acting strangely, too.

Maybe whatever
it is is contagious.

Hi, Mom.

Oh, uh, Bud,

I wonder if I could get
you to do a job for me.

And please don't
scream your head off.

What's the job?

I know how much you
hate to do this sort of thing,

but that basement just
has to be cleaned up.

Okay. I'll do it.

Hmm?

You will?

Whatever you say,
Mom. You're the boss.

I wish you'd stop
calling me the boss.

It's just that there are
some things that have to be...

It's okay, Mom. Why fight
it? Is this broom okay to use?

Yes. But I'm not the boss.

Hi, honey. How's
the boss tonight?

Oh, no. Not you, too.

Huh?

That's all I've been
getting from Bud this week...

That boss stuff.

He's making me feel

as though I were a sl*ve driver

with a big whip.

- Oh?
- Well, just now, for example.

I asked him to clean
up the basement,

and you know what he did?

He went down to do it.

Well, isn't that good?

Well, yes, but for
Bud, that's not normal.

And it's the way
he agreed to do it,

as if I was hopeless
to fight against.

I think I'm beginning to see.

This is all part of it.

Part of what?

Well, I wasn't going to
bother you with any of this

because I thought it would pass.

And also because I was afraid
you'd think it was your fault.

My fault?

Well, it started last weekend,

when our hunting
trip was cancelled

because you wanted me
to drive out to Aunt Ione's.

- Well, yes, but...
- Which was the right
thing to do.

Don't misunderstand me.

Well, I don't
understand anything.

Well, from that,
Bud got the idea

that poor old Dad... That's
what he calls me now,

and I'm getting
mighty sick of it.

He got the idea

that I'm living a
miserable, cramped life

because I'm caught in the
hopeless trap of marriage.

Then it is my fault.

No, and there you go.
I knew you'd think that.

But it isn't.

But don't you see
what this does to me?

I now represent

that miserable, hopeless
trap you're caught in.

Yeah. That's a development
I hadn't figured on.

I can tell you right now, I
don't care much for my role.

Well, I'm not crazy
about mine, either.

And the more sympathetic

and patronizingly
friendly he is toward me,

the more it gets under my skin.

Oh, I know it's silly

to let a ridiculous little
thing like this bother me,

but it does.

Well, you'd better go
and have a talk with him.

I've tried that, too.

Oh. There's another
ridiculous thing.

Every time I try
to set him straight,

it comes off as
a pitiful attempt

of a hen-pecked old duffer

trying to save face
in front of his son.

It always winds up

with him patting
me on the shoulder

and saying "Sure,
sure. I understand, Dad."

I tell you, it's
driving me daffy.

Well, it is kind of silly.

But I still don't like it.

[Jim laughs]

I wonder if it would do any good

if you went out
several evenings alone.

But if you do,
don't get any ideas.

This is strictly
for Bud's benefit.

There's no place I want to go.

And besides, I'm not going to
let that little marriage counselor

run me out of my own house.

Dad, can I see you for a minute?

Uh-oh.

Go talk to him.

And be firm this time.

I hate to risk that again.

Dad!

Coming.

Father.

Aah!

What do you want?

Dad, about this g*n you
bought from your friend Wes...

What are you whispering for?

You don't want Mom to
know you bought it, do you?

I don't care if she k...

I don't care if she knows it.

In fact, I told her.

You did?

Good for you, Dad.

Anyway, I was cleaning
up the basement

and got to looking at it.

I was wondering if I
couldn't borrow it Saturday.

Claude and I might go hunting.

I thought you and I were going.

Oh. Well, yeah, sure, Dad,

but just in case you can't get
away from Mom... uh, here.

- Now, look, son.
- Don't misunderstand me.

I want you to go.
I think you should.

Well, maybe if I talk to Mom.

No. You're not
going to talk to Mom.

- I understand.
- No, you don't.

I would like to see you

squeeze a little
fun out of life.

Look, son, for your information,

I have a fine time in life.

I enjoy it.

And you and I are going
hunting this weekend.

Do you understand that?

Sure, Dad, sure.

Now get back down there
and clean that basement.

Such a nice guy.

Kind of pitiful.

Honey, I'm going
hunting Saturday.

Well... Well, good.

After all this trouble,
you need a little fun.

Well, this isn't for fun.

In fact, I don't
even want to go.

But it's an absolute must.

I have to prove to
Bud once and for all

that I'm not the trapped,
lost soul he thinks I am.

Well, try to prove something
about me to him, too.

Don't worry. I will.

He'll feel differently up
in the hills and the trees.

And if he doesn't,

I'll pound a little sense
into that head of his.

Good. Uh, you want
a croquet mallet?

Maybe I'd better take one.

No matter what
comes up this weekend,

nothing must stop me
from taking that trip.

Don't worry. I'll throw
you out of the house

and lock the door.

Our standing as
parents depends on it.

Yea, the whole
institution of marriage.

Mommy! Do you know what I heard?

I heard that Bud broke up
with his girlfriend Jeannie.

Oh, no. And she's
such a nice girl, too.

Well, that figures.

Now he thinks
he's playing it smart.

"They're not going to trap me

the way they've
trapped poor old Dad."

I've been listening to
Bud explain life to me,

and I'll bet you anything

that's where Ralph's been
getting his ridiculous ideas.

You're right.

I heard Bud giving
Ralph a big fatherly talk.

Why, that... That
meddling little...

Oh, wait till I get
my hands on him.

Whoa. Hold it. I'm
going to handle this.

I have an important
date with that young man

coming up Saturday,

and I can hardly wait.

Dad, I thought I heard
somebody down here.

What are you doing?

Doing? It's Saturday morning,
and we're going hunting.

Have you forgotten?

Well, no, but, uh...

Then why are you so surprised?

Well, I just... Well, you know.

Here, I'll give you
a hand, old boy.

Did you ask the boss?

If you mean your mother,
I didn't ask her. I told her.

Living dangerous, huh?

[Margaret] Jim! Jim!

Oh, hurry, Jim!

The hot water
heater's broken again!

Oh, no.

Jim!

- Yeah, yeah.
- I don't know what happened.

I thought that after you'd fixed
the water heater yesterday...

It was not the heater. It's
the water pipe behind it.

Oh, I knew this would happen.

Oh, I should have
gotten a length of pipe

and fixed it right
while I was at it.

Bud!

Bud, crawl under the
house and turn off the water!

Betty's trying to
call a plumber.

- But so far...
- That's it. Call a plumber.

No matter what it costs.

Take me at least a
half a day to do this job,

and I can't do it now...

Not today of all days.

Well, the trouble is

that all the plumbing shops
are closed on Saturday.

Oh, golly, that's right.

There must be one that's open.

You mean they're
all out on jobs?

[sigh] yes, sir, I see.

All right. Thank you.

Well, that's the only
shop that was open.

And they were so busy

that they can't send a
man out here until Monday.

Well...

I guess that's that.

Well, I'll go down
to the hardware store

and see if I can
get what I need.

I turned off the water.

Oh. Okay.

Oh, uh, I guess you'd better...

Put the camping gear away.

Wait a minute, Dad.

What do you want now?

Well, I know what a
disappointment this is to you,

so why don't you
go hunting anyway?

No. I can't go.

They can't go all
weekend without water.

I know, but I'll stay home

and see if I can't
find somebody to fix it.

Maybe I can get Claude's dad.

No. No, I don't want
to go hunting alone.

Well, I thought of that, too.

Why don't you call
your friend Wes Coglan?

He's a bachelor. He can
go anywhere, any time.

He's got it made.

No, I can't go and...

Wait a minute.

Wes Coglan.

Maybe that's a good idea.

Sure it is.

You just go and forget all this.

At least you'll have
this one weekend.

Yeah. This one weekend.

Okay, I'll call him,
and if he can go,

you can drive me
over to his apartment.

We'll go in his car, so
your mother can have ours.

Good.

Oh, and I'll kind of, you know,

smooth things over with Mom.

Ah, to heck with her.

Atta boy, Dad.

Hadn't I ought to be
transferring your gear

- from our car to his?
- [buzz]

Not yet. I want you
to meet Wes first.

You'll like him. He's,
uh, your kind of guy.

Well, Jim, I'm glad
to see you. Come in.

Wes, this is my boy Bud.

He was going along,

but, well, something came up.

Oh, that's too bad.

I wish you were going, Bud.

Come on in. I'm
just about ready.

I sure was glad you called, Jim.

Well, I never
expected to find you in.

I figure a footloose
guy like you

would have a
million places to go.

Oh, no. I don't go much anymore.

I don't even hunt much anymore.

It's no fun going
alone, you know.

When I do get some
ducks or pheasants,

there's nobody to
bring them home to.

Oh, uh, don't get your
hopes up about this.

It's not hot coffee.

It's milk.

Milk? You?

Yeah.

Ah, the old stomach
isn't what it used to be.

It's the way I eat, I guess.

I get sick of eating
in restaurants,

so I try cooking
for myself here,

and that's worse.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I have some nice juicy steaks

I was going to cook
over an open fire.

Oh, well, that's different.

It's okay when you got
somebody to eat with.

It's just eating alone
that gets a fella.

Oh, uh, have you got a tent?

- Yeah.
- Then we won't need this.

Let's see. What else do we need?

You're quite a crossword
puzzle fan, Wes.

Oh, no. I got in the habit
of working those things.

The evenings get
awful long around here,

and that's something
you can do alone.

Well, I guess we
got just about every...

Oh, wait. My medicine.

Got to keep the old
stomach machine working.

Who's this gorgeous thing, Wes?

You been holding out on me?

Hmm?

Oh, no.

No.

This is a girl I went
with a long time ago, Jim.

A wonderful girl.

I don't know. I
guess I was worried

about getting involved
or trapped or something.

I don't know.

Biggest darn fool
mistake I ever made.

You know, a funny thing.

I guess I've got
just about everything

a man needs around here,

but it doesn't mean anything.

Nobody to share it with.

I guess about the
most important thing

in a man's life

is to have somebody
to care about,

care for.

Well, come on. Let's get going.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I really
shouldn't be going

in the shape I'm in.

I shouldn't be going, either.

I should be home
fixing the plumbing.

Plumbing?

All the connections in
back of the water heater

are falling to pieces.

Let's go over and fix it.

No, we're going hunting.

You can't leave your
family in a fix like that.

Well, Bud said he'd...

No, wait a minute. I'm serious.

I don't get a chance
to do that very often.

Hunting I can do any time.

I'd rather help you
with the plumbing.

- Do you really mean that?
- Sure I do.

Well, all right, then.

I'll tell you what.

I'll throw in one of Margaret's
home-cooked dinners.

I guarantee that'll
make a well man of you.

Oh, let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where'd that piece come from?

Doesn't that fit on here?

Either that or something

that fell off one of
Kathy's roller skates.

But go ahead and try it.

Here. Let me get
that for you, Mom.

You women shouldn't
have to do things like this.

That's what us men are for.

There you are, Mom.

Thank you, Bud.

Hello, Jeannie?

This is Bud.

I, uh...

I suppose you're all
dated up for tonight

and probably don't want
to see me anyway, but...

I sure would like to take
you somewheres tonight.

It worked, Wes.

Worked even better
than I hoped it would.

Thanks to you.

That was a convincing act
you put on in your apartment.

Act? That was no act, Jim.

I was just telling you
the true story of my life.

And you can have it.
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