05x33 - The Meanest Professor

[bunniefuu]

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] Robert Young.

And Jane Wyatt.

With Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

and Lauren Chapin,

in Father Knows Best.

- I tell you, it's an injustice

asking us to dedicate the yearbook

to old Professor Stark.

- Politics, that's what it is.

- Right.

- But why does the principal got

to pick the one we dedicate the book to?

It's our yearbook!

- Doggone tootin', that's right!

- Why can't we dedicateit to a teacher

we like instead of old Goat Face Stark?

- Hey, shh, there's old Goat Face coming this way.

- [Claude] Professor Olin Enoch Stark.

Even his name gives me the creeps.

- Look, doesn't even speak to anyone!

Hates people!

- Particularly students.

(laughter)

(brass music)

- Good afternoon, Mr. Stark.

Doesn't even know where he's going!

- And that's the guy I've gotta write

a big, glowing tribute to for the yearbook.

You know, if I had known that,

I never would have taken this job as feature editor.

- Well, you're stuck with it now,

so I guess you better get home and start writing!

- Just put down what a grand, lovable,

old professor he is. - Yeah.

- I'm not sure I can be that dishonest.

- Come on, Kathy, don't bother Bud.

- Gee, mom, I can't write this.

There's nothing good to say about this man!

- Then why'd you pick him to dedicate

your yearbook to?

- We didn't!

The principal and our class advisor did.

They said he's such a fine, venerable, old teacher.

Old is right!

He's been teaching there for years.

- Well, that's quite remarkable itself.

That's something to start on.

- What can I say about that?

"Sweet Professor Stark's been flunking

"students longer than any other teacher."

(laughter)

- Oh, of course not.

I'm sure if you just try, you can think

of many wonderful things about him.

Come on, Kathy.

- Put that down aboutflunking, that's funny!

- I wish I could.

Hey, it might be funny to make a gag tribute.

I think I will!

- [Margaret] Oh, no you don't!

- Oh, don't get shook, mom!

I'm gonna head it in, this'll be just for the guys.

You know, just for laughs!

- Now listen, don't waste your time

on some silly thing you can't use!

Get busy and write the real one!

(sigh)

Come on, Kathy!

- But I wanna help Bud!

(distant chuckling)

- What's going on in theden, a vaudeville show?

- That's Bud.

I'm ashamed of him!

Instead of writing that tribute for Professor Stark,

he's wasted the whole evening writing

a bunch of sillyjokes about him.

(chuckling)

- That's really a blast, Bud!

You really nailed old Stark.

- I wish we really could print that

in the yearbook,wouldn't that be a riot?

- We'd get kicked so far outta school

we'd be in the orbitfor the next ten years.

- Can I take that and show it to Kippy?

- Sure, go on, sure!

- May I see that?

- Sure, dad, it's just a gag.

- Well, I always enjoy a good laugh.

I'd like to readthis over before

you float it around the campus.

- Well, I'll bring itto school tomorrow, huh?

And you can show Kippy then?

- Okay, sure, Bud! - So long.

(somber music)

- It's just for laughs, dad.

- [Jim] Then why did youmount it so elaborately?

- I just thought it'd be funnier that way.

- "We, the senior class, salute

"Professor Olin Enoch Stark.

"As a teacher, he's like a rare wine:

"old and dry, and pops his cork.

"He loves his students so much he hates to lose them,

"so he keeps flunking them."

(laughter)

"One could readily see he has a way

"with young people.

"In fact, he would like to do a-way

"with young people altogether.

"And he's steadfast.

"Some teachers are wishy-washy,fair-weather friends.

"But not Professor Stark.

"He's always the same.

"The same miserable, old crow."

(laughter)

- Pretty funny, huh, mom?

- No, I think it's awful.

- Well, I've read enoughof this to tell you

you're not gonna take it to school.

It might fall into the wrong hands.

- Gosh, dad, the guys would get a big charge out of it.

- No, this has gone far enough.

You've had your fun out of it,

now settle down and write something

that can actually be used in the yearbook!

- But what?

I could write a glowing tribute

of what a beloved, grand, wonderful man he is,

but it wouldn't be true!

Do you want me to write a pack of lies?

- No, of course not.

But I'm sure in all the years that

Professor Stark has served, there are

things to say on his behalf!

- Yes, and I've said them in that paper!

Look, ask Betty, she had him

when she was in high school.

You know, don't you, Betty?

- Well, he was pretty tough, alright.

I don't know, I thoughthe was kinda cute

in a gruff sort of way.

- Kinda cute?

- Matter of fact, in the dim past,

when I went to high school, I had him in Latin.

- You did?

- I don't remember him too well,

but as I recall, he wasa young, eager teacher.

Pleasant.

- Pleasant?

You've got to be kidding!

- You know, I vaguely remember him.

I never had him as a teacher, but he

came to one of our dances and I danced with him!

- Him? Dance?

- Not very well, as Irecall, but he was nice.

- How can you say that?

Did you know that his wife left him a long time ago?

Even she couldn't stand him!

- Alright, don't swallowall that campus gossip.

Now, look, you wanna be fair about this, don't you?

- Well, sure I do! - Alright then!

We all seem to be talking about a different person.

What you have todo is dig in and

find out what kind of a person he really is.

- I know what kind he is.

- But you've never even had him!

- I had him for three days, then I

transferred out of his class.

Three days was all I needed.

- Regardless of what kind of a person he's become,

I'm sure that havingthis yearbook dedicated

to him is very important to him.

Actually, the climax of his whole, long teaching career.

- That's right, this is his life!

- And he's stuck with it.

- Get acquainted with him, interview him.

- But, dad!

- Talk to people who have knownhim down through the years.

- Dad, I can't spend that much time on this thing!

- Look, son.

Either you do this right,

and give that man everybenefit of the doubt,

or give up your job on the yearbook.

That's an order, understand?

- Okay.

I just hope they can print what I dig up.

(laughter)

- What do you think?

Can Professor Stark be as bad as Bud infers?

- It's been three yearssince I've seen him.

I always thought he was alright,

but I remember some of the students

didn't exactly love him.

- Well, if the studentsdislike him so much,

why do you suppose the principal insists

that they dedicate the yearbook to him?

- [Betty] Probably got to be embarrassing

having the senior class ignore him year after year.

- No, this is Bud's problem, so he...

...Well, maybe that's not such a bad idea.

Maybe we could get Stark over here,

say, to dinner?

- Fat chance, he's antisocial.

They say he goes home to that boarding house

at night and locks himself in his room.

- Well, we could try.

When you bring a person into your home

and sit down with him and talk to him,

away from his work,

you get a different slant on him.

This might help Bud.

- Why don't I call him and tell him

we want him to come to dinner so that Bud

can talk over something regarding his dedication?

He can't refuse that.

- Leave it to a woman to think of something

as subtle as the obvious!

He's all yours, kiddo!

- [Claude] Boy, get ready for the big interview.

Here he comes!

What are you gonna ask him first?

- To resign.

Professor Stark.

Professor Stark!

- Hello?

Just a moment.

Professor Stark!

(laughter)

- Someone call me?

- Yes sir.

- Yes sir.

You're wanted on the phone.

- Phone?

(laughter)

Miss, I want you to mimeograph

these examination questions.

Let me see if they're the correct ones.

Yes, yes.

- Your party is waiting, professor.

- Fine.

I want you to do them precisely as I've indicated.

- I understand.

The phone, professor!

- That for me?

Professor Stark.

Who?

Yes, yes.

Well, it's very kind of you, my dear,

but I'm afraid I've gottoo much work to do.

- Look at Snoopy, they say he

reads everything he lays his hands on.

Tomato can labels, anything!

- I see.

Well, in that case, I'll find time.

Yes.

It's a date.

- A date?

I'd like to see the oldgoat he's talking to.

(laughter) - We'll expect you for dinner

at seven on Thursday evening, then.

- Thank you very much, goodbye.

- Sir, I--

Professor Stark?

Uh, professor, I'd--

(laughter)

Wow, how do you like that?

He wouldn't even speak to me.

- Well, your dad wanted you to learn

the truth about him.

You're sure doing it.

- Hey, I got an idea.

I'm gonna do exactly what dad said.

Talk to people, dig up the true facts about this guy.

And then I'll write it up, the real truth,

turn it in, and they'llsee for themselves

why we can't dedicate the book to him.

And then we can pick some teacher we like.

- Buddy boy, I think you've got something there.

- [Janitor] Stark?

Sure, I can tell you lots about him.

Only teacher I ever had a knock-down,

drag-out fight with.

- Yes, sir, that's whatI wanted to hear about.

- Sure, about years ago.

He come beefin' to me, I wasn't keepin'

the classrooms warm enough.

Claimed the kids was gettin' sick.

I said, "You do the teachin',

"and I'll do the janitor-in'!"

(laughs)

So one day he come down, thr*aten to

stoke the furnaces himself.

I said, "You do and I'llthrow you outta here!"

He started swingin' and knocked me flat.

Then he started shovelin' coal like fury.

And you know that ended the kids' epidemic of colds?

- It did?

- Yep.

There's a man that stands up for what he believes,

especially where schoolkids are concerned.

No sir, there's no man I got more respect for

than Professor Stark.

(harp music)

(laughter)

- Professor Stark, ol' Starkie!

What a character.

You know, I remember he used to pick up

everything his hands fell on and read it.

No matter where he was,in somebody's office

or home, or what it was.

He picked it up and read it!

- You know, he still does.

He'll read tomato can labels, anything!

- Yeah!(Laughs)

Now, just what information do you want about him?

- I heard that when youwere a big football star

at school, he flunked you and knocked you

out of a whole year of eligibility.

- Yeah, he sure did.

Boy, I hated him for it.

I was sure he flunked me because

he just naturallyhated football players,

until I got it through my thick skull

what he was trying to do.

He was trying to make me think!

And with me, that wasn't easy.

But he finally got through to me

and I started to learn, got back

on the team, and you know, after that,

I was a better player.

- Because of Stark?

- In fact, it was the habits he instilled in me

that later helped me through college.

I'll go further than that.

I feel I owe my successin business to him.

Tell you, it'd be great if we had

more teachers like ol' Starkie.

- If you want to know about Professor Stark,

you've come to the right place.

He's been boarding in here over years.

Oh, what a trouble he's been!

- Well, tell me about it.

Did you know his wife?

The one who left him?

- Oh, yes.

That was before he started boarding here,

but I knew her.

Oh, dear.

I felt sorry forthat poor woman.

- He gave her a pretty rough time, huh?

- You see, he was devoted to teaching

unto his pupils, and she couldn't understand that.

She wanted clothes, bobbles, and money.

Needled him day and night to quit teachin'

and get rich.

Why, for him, to quit teachin'

would be the same as dyin'.

Oh, that poor woman.

She never realized the jewel she had in him.

Oh, I know he's not the easiest man

in the world to live with.

His head's too full of things.

Do you know, many is thenight he'll come home,

I'll fix him a special supper,

he'll eat one bite, get up,

and go up to his room.

- He's that rude, huh?

- Rude's nothing!

It's just that an idea has struck him!

An idea for the textbook he's writing.

Or an idea to help astudent that's failing.

His mind works hours a day.

He hasn't got any time to bother about

such things as food.

Oh, I tell you.

There are mighty few great ones

in the world like him.

- "Professor Olin Enoch Stark.

"As a teacher, he is like a rare wine: old and dry.

"And he pops his cork!"

(laughter)

"He loves his students so much that--"

(gasps)

Hello, brother!

- That's funny.

He acted like hedidn't hear you.

That hardly seems feasible.

- Well, he's a very unfeasible brother.

- Professor Stark.

I've been talking to people about him,

you know, like dad suggested?

Everybody I talk to gives me a whole

new picture of the guy.

- Oh!

Well, maybe it'll all clear up when

he comes to dinner tomorrow night.

- Dinner, here?!

- Yes.

Your father thinks it's a good way

for you to get acquainted with him and interview him,

so we invited him to dinner,

and I hope you cooperate and be here.

- Be here, you kidding?- Now, Bud!

- You bet I'll be here!

I'm beginning to think I had him all wrong.

In fact, I'm swimming over to his team.

Net weight: one pound, fifteen ounces.

(laughter)

- Of course I remember you, Betty.

Physics class, second period.

You sat next to the window.

- Oh, that's exactly right!

- And wrote notes to a boy named Ralph.

- Oh, dear.

- Gee, do you remember all your students that well?

- No, many I don't.

Mainly, I remember the good ones.

And the bad ones.

I remember your father.

- Uh-Oh.

I know which classification I come under!

- Watch him read that ashtray.

- Oh, you weren't so bad.

You attained a fairly high degree of ignorance.

(laughter)

Made in Belgium.

- I bet you don't remember you danced with me

many years ago.

- No, I'm sorry to say I don't remember,

but considering my dancing, you've

probably never forgot.

- Mother, do I smell the biscuits burning?

- Oh, I hope not!

Excuse me.

Betty, come and help me get the dinner.

- So you're the young man who's going

to write the piece aboutme for the yearbook?

- Yes, sir.

And I've already done some preliminary work on it.

- Oh, that's fine, Bud.

Would you mind, when you finish,

if I look it overbefore it goes to press?

- Of course.

- Excuse me father, but we need your

expert skill in sharpening the carving Kn*fe.

- Oh, of course!

I think perhaps you two have something

to discuss anyway.

Come on, Kathy.

- [Kathy] Okay.

- Excuse me, professor,I'll go get a pencil

and paper and we canget right down to work.

- Fine, fine.

(somber violin music)

(intense violin music)

- Dad, dad!

He's found it! - What?

- He's reading it! - What are you talking about?

Don't jibber!

- Professor Stark! - Yeah?

- He's reading that crazy tribute I wrote.

- Oh, oh! - Oh, no!

- Yes!

- We can't let him do that!

Why didn't you stop him?

- I couldn't talk, shh!

(somber violin music)

- He's gone!

- [Margaret] Oh, this is awful!

- And he took the paper with him!

- Why didn't I destroy that thing?

Instead of letting it destroy him?

Tyson, Tyson, that is his landlady's name, isn't it?

- Gosh, he didn't even get to eat his dinner!

- How could he, after reading

that horrible thing about himself?

- Here it is, Tyson.

Hold that, will you?

- Imagine coming to the climax of a long,

distinguished career, and then read,

"He loves his students so much

"that he keeps flunking them."

- Please, mom, I feel awful enough as it is.

- Hello, Mrs. Tyson?

Is Professor Stark there?

- Yes, but I can't disturb him now.

I'm sorry, I--

It doesn't matter how important it is,

I learned long ago thatwhen Professor Stark

goes to his room to concentrate,

I don't disturb him for anything.

Goodbye!

- But Mrs. Tyson.

Hello?

Hello?

(somber violin music)

I can see we'll never get past her.

But maybe it's just as well

to give him a chance to cool down.

In the morning whenyou get to school, Bud,

the very minute you get there,

you go to see him.

- What could I say to him?

What could I possibly say?

- Well, I know this won't be easy,

but you have to convince him

that that paper was just a joke.

Tell him about how you feel about him now.

- Marge?

Does Professor Stark have a class his first period?

- Yes he does, Bud.

But he left this note for you.

- For me?

- He wants to see youright after the period.

- Did he look awful mad?

- Mad?

Well, there was astrange look in his eye.

- Well, that's even worse.

- This, this eulogy you wrote to me.

You did write it, didn't you?

- Yes, sir, but it was just a joke.

- Tell me, do you believe all this?

- Oh, no, sir.

- Then why did you write it?

- Well...

To be honest, sir, when I wrote that,

that's what I did believe, but--

- Alright, that's better!

First rule in writing: write only what you believe.

Some years ago they wanted to dedicate

the yearbook to me.

I was flattered.

A boy was assigned to write a tribute to me.

He wrote a glowing one.

I was a sweet, kindly, twinkle in

the eye professor, beloved by all.

Does that describe me?

- Well, uh--

- Of course it doesn't!

There are a few goodthings to say about me,

but that boy didn't take the trouble to discover them.

I think he copied a tribute to some

other professor from some other yearbook.

If I had accepted that, I would have

encouraged the boy in deceit.

I turned it down.

I prefer this.

- But that was just for laughs.

- Alright, humor has long been a device

for indirectly getting at the truth.

In fact, I've learned some things

about myself from this.

And I hope I never get too old to do that.

- But, sir, I--

- You have a spark of talent here, Bud.

And the construction's good.

Originality, interest.

The fault I find isthat some of your truths

are only half-truths.

Or you've irresponsibly accepted

some popular misconceptions as truths.

For example, you say here,

I love my students so much that

I flunk them to keep them near me.

- No, sir, that's--

- It's true.

If I flunk a student, itis because I love him.

But not to keep him near me.

- I know that now--

- If I pass a science student who doesn't deserve it,

will he ever launch a rocket to the planets?

Have I helped him at all? No.

I've done him great harm.

There's no easy shortcutto learning, Bud.

No easy way to teach, either.

I'd like very much to be popular,

to be called a good guy, "Good Ol' Stark."

- That's exactly what they do call you.

- Hm?

- I know because I bothered to find out.

- Find out how?

- Since I wrote this, I've been interviewing

people that have known you for a long time.

Especially those that I thought would

give me the worst side of you,

I'm ashamed to say.

- No, that's good!

Be thorough!

Here.

You're ready to redo this.

- Yes, sir, and this time I'll write

a real great one!

- Now, now, let's keep it truthful.

But don't make it too stuffy.

Oh, and leave some of those jokes in.

It's high time we had some originality

in that yearbook.

(laughter)

(applause)

(triumphant music)