03x06 - Call Me the Hot Chick Two

[bunniefuu]

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Look who I'm kissing.

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- It's Max. Can you believe it?

(MOANING, BREATHING HEAVILY)

Wait.

Are you sure you're okay with this?

Take your shirt off.

I am abs-olutely okay with this.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I have wanted to do this for so long.

So, first round's for speed,
second round is for distance.

Third round is for creativity.

Three rounds? All right.

All right, buddy, I know we're ,

but it's time to rise to the occasion.

Sex pun!

- I've never been so turned on.
- Ah.

You know,

three generations of Silver
women have slept in this bed.

I don't know why I
thought that would be hot.

- Are you purring?
- (PURRING)

(GROANS) Snowball, get out of here.

(YOWLS)

(CHUCKLES)

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Oh, my gosh, Max is in
my bed, and we did it.

That literally cuts my
bucket list in half.

What do you know? Three
rounds with Kat Silver.

Would've gotten to four
if that pervert cat

wasn't licking himself in the corner.

I had an orgasm with Max Kingbird,

and he was actually here for it!

This is weird. I'm feeling...

What is this?

I don't regret what I did last night.

Why isn't he saying anything?

Does he regret this?
What is he thinking?

Don't fart.

Don't. Fart.

Okay, be cool.

Just roll over and say good morning.

It's only Max. Your friend Max.

Who spun you like a dreidel
in Nana Silver's bed.

All right, I think I can
hide this on the rollover.

On three.

One, two, three.

- Ow!
- Ow, ow. (SPUTTERS)

- You okay?
- Yep.

(MAX GROANS)

Here, let me fan you with
these sheets a little.

So...

last night was fun,

but also stuff that
friends don't normally do.

Yeah. (LAUGHS)

Yeah.

Are we friends who just
had a crazy night, or...

or are we... ?

Yeah.

Are we... ?

That's right, Max. I may have
cut off a lock of your hair

while you were sleeping,

but I will not ask you
to be my boyfriend.

Honestly...

I'd like to see if
there's something here.

I mean, if-if that's what you want.

It worked! We're gonna do this!

It's happening, it's happening!

Yeah, we can give it a sh*t.

(KAT CHUCKLES)

You know, Papa Silver d*ed in this bed.

Maybe you should just
kiss me so I shut up.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Wait, why are you so sweaty?

Did somebody finally
teach you how to Dougie?

I was training my son.
He's going out for track.

I mean, it's not football,
but at least it's not band.

Oh, well, I can work with CJ.

I used to run the meters.

I was the fastest girl in my school.

So was I.

I appreciate the offer,

but, you know, men run
different than women.

I see, and "different" meaning faster?

Oh, good, you know.

So, you think that you
can b*at me in a race

just because you have a penis?

Well, I'm not a scientist,

so I don't know where
the speed is stored,

but yes.

You know what? That's it.

After work, we are gonna race.

Put some lotion on those ashy
knees and meet me in the park

for a good old-fashioned
ass-kicking.

Oh, you're on.

And there won't be any
ass-kicking, only ass-gazing.

As in, your eyes watching
my ass leave your ass behind.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, my God, you've had sex.

What are you talking about?

Ugh, been so long, she
doesn't remember what it is.

(SINGSONGY): Knowing when
people had sex is my superpower.

Yeah, it's true.

When she met my parents,
she called them out.

Made church so awkward.

Hold up, you've had sex with Max.

- (GASPS)
- Max?

Did my name come up?

What happened between
me and Max is private.

We did it three times last night.

Let's get this baby cooking.

Go lie down and put
your feet in the air.

You need to marinate.

You know, like you do
with an old chicken.

We're putting the baby
on the backburner...

unfortunate choice of words.

We just want to focus on
seeing where this goes.

We have our first real date tonight!

Great, we're gonna gamble

my grandchild's existence
on your personality.

I need a drink.

- Thank you.
- Thanks.

Oh.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, we're gonna sit
on the same side of the booth.

That's the other half of my bucket list.

Hello, I'm Greg.

Is this your first time dining with us?

It's actually our first time
dining anywhere as a couple.

We have been best friends forever,

no benefits, just really
strong feelings for each other.

We're kind of like Cagney and Lacey,

but we don't solve crimes
and he's not a lady.

He was in a relationship,
and I was in a relationship.

And then last night,
Greg, out of the blue,

boom, bang, Bonetown, population two.

We did it three times, and I'm .

I'll get you some bread.

He's not coming back, is he?

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Why are you staring at me?

- Oh, no, do I have a bat in the cave?
- What?

No.

You just, you look great.

Thank you.

- Is that a new outfit?
- Oh, no. I... I've had it forever.

Uh, fire sale. An estate sale.

She d*ed in a fire.

You look really nice.

Thanks. Shaved the ears.

Yeah, that was supposed
to be in my head.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

- This is weird. Okay. Yeah.
- Yeah, I'm gonna sit on that side. Yeah.

- Okay.
- Yeah.

Yeah, this is much better.

You know, now I got a little elbow room.

Like the settlers moving west,
taking land from the natives.

Why would I go there? I...

You know what, we both
just need to relax.

Let's just, let's start this thing over.

That's a great idea.
That's a really great idea.

Whoa. What the hell?! Is there
something under the table?

That was my foot. I was playing footsie.

(SIGHS) I have a very specific phobia

about alligators attacking my
feet under restaurant tables.

That has literally never happened.

Uh, I saw it on Gator .

That poor bride.

Well, this is no gator.

It's a size foot in a
sock from Men's Wearhouse.

(LAUGHS): That's nice.

Five-toe fandango.

Whoa, gator!

Your other foot.

All right, this is gonna be
a Harlan County two-scamper.

No skipsies, no jumpsies,
no sh**t-backsies.

So, you scared?

Scared? Please.

I'm only scared of three things...

horror films, snakes and
very low ceiling fans.

Yeah, big talk, old man.

Did you get a biscuit
with those chicken legs?

Yeah, well, these chicken
legs got herbs and spices,

which that makes them extra
crispy, so that means that...

You know what? Let's just do this.

Okay.

Ready, set, scamper!

♪ ♪

(WHOOPS) You see that?

It's the running man.

Ooh, and now, oh, it's
the running Carter.

- (WHIMPERING)
- (CARTER STAMMERS)

- You tripped me!
- (LAUGHS)

Ain't nobody tripping
out here but you, loser.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Loser.

- Loser.
- Phil, you saw, she cheated!

What? I'm sorry.

I just realized I'm wearing
two different color shoes.

(LAUGHING)

How's your lamb?

Good.

How's your pasta?

Good.

This lamb is terrible.

Why didn't I tell her that?

I could've said, "Pretty baaad."

I just wanted this night to be special.

I shaved every inch of my body.

I'm like a fricking dolphin.

Why can't I think of something
funny or cool to say?

Wait, I got it.

Is it just me or is the
service here pretty baaad?

What?

I don't know what's
wrong with me, I'm sorry.

- Me, too. Why is this so awkward?
- (LAUGHS): I don't know.

We're usually so comfortable together.

Like this morning, I heard you fart.

What? No. No. It was, it was your bed.

You said so yourself, it's very old.

(SIGHS) We had so much fun last night.

And again this morning.

I want this to be more like that.

You know, we could wash away
this whole night in my shower.

That's a slip-and-fall risk.

Safety first, sexy second.

Don't worry, 'cause my shower
has grippy ducks on the floor.

Recommended by the AARP.

Really?

Well, those grippy ducks are
about to swim with a dolphin.

I don't get that,

but quack, quack, quack.

- (IMITATING DOLPHIN)
- (QUACKING)

Ooh, a candle.

I didn't realize Bonetown
had a Spiced Pumpkin district.

We're close to shopping and
the schools are excellent.

Are they?

Maybe you're a teacher
and I'm the new student.

Yeah.

And you're in trouble because
you didn't do your homework.

Why wouldn't I do my homework?

I'm all for role-play but,
like, it has to make sense.

Okay, all right, so...

what would you want
to get in trouble for?

I don't want to get in
trouble for anything.

I'm new to this school,

I'm trying to make a good impression.

Maybe let's work up to role-play.

Oh, um...

- I could be a foreign exchange student.
- Oh.

(IRISH ACCENT): Good day
to ya, Professor Kingbird.

Do you want to see where
I hid me pot o' gold?

I'm not gonna lie. I don't hate that.

KAT: Oh, no, I am wearing

some weapons-grade shapewear right now.

He doesn't need to see
how this sausage is cased.

Uh, actually, I'm gonna run
to the bathroom real quick.

(IRISH ACCENT): When you come back,

you can kiss me Blarney Stone.

Damn, you're sexy.

(PANTING)

(GRUNTING)

This is like prom all over again.

You know, if I went to prom.

(GRUNTING)

- Ow!
- MAX: You okay?

Yeah, yeah, just getting ready to pee!

Oh, oh, I don't want him
to hear this mighty tinkle.

MAX: Are you taking a shower?

Yeah, just gonna take a quick rinse.

(IRISH ACCENT): Ooh,
you've got Irish Spring!

It's the body wash of me people.

MAX: I'm gonna get us a bottle of wine.

Yeah, and I'm gonna
make room for that wine.

(MOUTHING)

(EXCLAIMS, GRUNTS)

Hard to believe I didn't go to prom.

What do we think?

Does this pose say "my butt's
never been dunked in toilet water"?

What is taking him so long?

- Oh! (LAUGHING)
- Ooh! (LAUGHING)

I don't understand
cricket, but I do understand

a guy getting hit in the nuts.

Hey, balls hitting balls.

It's poetic.

Hey, uh, what's going on?

Oh, you've got to see these bloopers.

The Phillie Phanatic's about
to take a fastball to the nuts.

They're all pretty much about

guys taking one to the nuts.

Uh, what happened to getting us wine?

Oh, right.

Hey!

You know what, uh, just keep it.

I'll be hanging out in your bedroom,

and if you'd rather watch guys

get hit in the testicles
with your buddy,

that's, it's fine, that's fine by me.

Bruh, you have the coolest girlfriend.

(SIGHS)

Hey. I shouldn't have kept you waiting.

Carter was upset about
his fight with Randi.

(CHUCKLES) He, he was
even crying a little.

CARTER: The hell I was!

You know, I-I think I
just want to go home.

What? No, no.

- We can turn this around.
- Can we?

I mean, this night has
been off from the beginning.

And it's not just the-the wine

or the TV or the freak hurricane

that hit your bathroom.

Wait, what?

Climate change.

It's fine.

I just, I'll talk to you later.

Okay.

Okay. Bye.

(DOOR CLOSES)

What the hell?!

(SINGSONGY): I've got
something to show you.

I get it, your mole looks
like Winnie the Pooh.

Go see a doctor.

I got a video of your race with Randi.

Really?

How'd you get it?

Security cam.

Let's just say my dalliance

with a certain deputy
mayor finally paid off.

Hey, y'all. I'm so
excited to be auditioning

for So You Think You Can Dance.

'Cause I think I can.

No, no, that's the wrong file.

I see. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, here we go.

I'm winning.

Here's where we're close.

Let's slow it down.

She never touched me.

She was pulling ahead when you fell.

She spanked you.

Just like I spanked that deputy mayor.

Well...

I know what I got to do.

My audition!

What do you want me to do, Phil?

Tell my girlfriend the truth?

Hey.

How was your night with Max?

Randi, do your thing.

They didn't have sex.

You know, I don't
appreciate people talking

about how I didn't have sex.

It's like high school all over again.

And college.

And my s.

What happened, sweetheart?

I don't know.

We went out for a romantic dinner.

It was super awkward.

I thought I got att*cked by a gator.

I fell in his toilet and
my Spanx are in an oak tree.

Carter thought that was a beige raccoon.

He was so excited thinking
he discovered a new species.

This was only our first date.

What if it never gets better
and Max and I were stupid

to think we could ever be a couple?

Maybe this whole thing
was a huge mistake.

Let's keep some perspective here.

Those glasses were a huge mistake.

It's not romantic
dinners that will get you

through a lifetime together.

It's the fact that you
two are such good friends.

That's the foundation for everything.

Look at your father and me.

Dad did always say you
were his best friend.

I assumed it was a hostage situation.

We loved being together.

We made each other laugh.

Although we did tie each
other up from time to time.

- Oh!
- Okay! You are a freak.

We can have a talk when
the children leave the room.

Yeah, thank you, you've
been very helpful.

You've given me a lot to think about,

and one disturbing
thing to try and forget.

We used Kat's jump rope.

Two things!

- Hey.
- Hey, what's that?

They're running shoes.

I got them for CJ for his tryouts.

Oh, really? Aw, thank you.

Ooh, and they're spiked.

Fast around the track,
hard on my ex-wife's floors.

Win-win.

Yeah, I didn't know if you would
have time to buy them yourself,

you know, given how slow you are.

Look, there's no way
for us to know for sure

what happened in that race.

So let's just blame Phil and move on.

Fine, but can you do me a favor?

Don't tell CJ that boys
are faster than girls.

Because that's how the guys
treated me on the track team,

and it sucked.

All right.

I'll see you.

Hold up.

Yeah?

Uh, I saw security footage of our race,

and you didn't trip me.

Ha! I knew it. I b*at your ass.

Piano man, play "We Are the Champions."

Not if you want to get paid, Lawrence.

Listen.

There's something else
I want to tell you.

I think you should train CJ.

Really?

Yeah, you ran track.

You'd be a better coach.

And it's hard for me to
teach what's God-given.

- Well, thank you.
- Yeah.

You think it'll be okay even though

I don't have a penis full of speed?

Yeah, that was stupid.

Clearly you've got a
lot of it in your boobs.

Hey, I got your text.

Everything all right?

Yeah, I just wanted to see you.

Oh, okay.

You said "important,"

so I thought you got
locked on the roof again.

(LAUGHS)

So what's up?

Okay, well, um...

I've been thinking.

What's, like, your favorite moment

we've ever spent together?

Oh, that's easy.

The first time we ever sang together.

"Time of My Life" from Dirty Dancing?

Yeah, karaoke contest at Warblers.

We came in second to those frat boys

doing "Bohemian Rhapsody."

They didn't even know who Galileo was.

Yeah, idiots.

So... what's yours?

Sophomore year, the
night we finished finals.

- Aw.
- We took a blanket to the park.

We had pizza and beer.

We're all growed up now.

And we made wishes on a sh**ting star.

Mine...

was that that night would never end.

That's so sweet.

Mine was that Rob Schneider
would make The Hot Chick .

(BOTH LAUGH)

Max, I don't want to
lose moments like that.

Like this.

What? Why would we?

Because if this dating
thing doesn't work out,

it's gonna be weird.

So...

So you're saying that
you don't want to do this?

It's not worth it if it means

we're never gonna be Kat and Max again.

(EXHALES)

I get why you're afraid.

I am, too.

But...

I think that we have a chance
at something really special.

So do I.

And I can't promise that
this is gonna work out,

but I can promise that you are
never gonna lose me as a friend.

How can you promise that?

Kat.

You couldn't lose me if you tried.

Should we go inside?

Or should we stay right here?

I don't think anybody can see us.

(WHISPERS): He doesn't know about you.

♪ We need peace ♪

♪ We need love ♪

♪ You're my beloved ♪

♪ I'm not a boy ♪

♪ I've been around a little
longer than years now ♪

♪ And one thing that I know ♪

♪ Is nothing, nothing changes ♪

♪ If we'll just... ♪