06x12 - Good Joke on Mom

[bunniefuu]

(Father Knows Best theme song)

- [Announcer] Robert Young

and Jane Wyatt

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray, and Lauren Chapin

in Father Knows Best.

- But Mommy all the kids would laugh at me

if I wore this dress to school.

- Kathy please don't argue with me.

I've had nothing but trouble all day.

Now there's no reason why you can't

wear that dress to school tomorrow.

- But Mommy, nobody wears anything like this any more.

- Oh I've seen lots of girls wearing dresses like that.

Now what's wrong with it?

- Well, well you could see what's wrong with it yourself

if you weren't so, so...

- Ignorant?

- No, not that, exactly.

- Well, what then?

- Well, you wouldn't understand.

Give me the dress, I'll wear it.

(audience laughter)

I just hope it rains tomorrow so I can

wear a rain coatover it all day.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, what a day this has been.

Oh, hi dear.

- Hello, honey, you sound a little weary, are you alright?

- Oh I'm alright, just stupid.

- Stupid?

- Well Kathy has come tothe conclusion that I'm

so ignorant she can hardly stand to have me around.

- Well don't let that worry you.

You remember this, it's the stupid ones

that have the most fun.

(audience laughter) - Oh, right.

I've had enough trouble today

without any of your bony jokes.

- Well I'll just throw those in for free.

There's the mail.

Doesn't anyone bring in the mail any more?

- Who has the time?

By the time I've finish the dishes and

picked up after all of you and repaired the

vacuum cleaner which broke again today, incidentally.

Oh, oh no (laughs).

- What's so funny?

- Well this is a laugh, in fact it's the first laugh

I've had all day.

- What's the big laugh?Hi, Father.

- Hello, Princess.

- Listen, dear Margaret.

As you know the long-awaited moment has arrived

for us to plunge into the building of our cherished project,

the half-million dollarchildren's clinic.

- Oh, so your women's aid league?

- Oh, finally got the money together

to build the clinic, huh? - Finally.

- Good.

- Our building committeemet this afternoon

and this is to inform you, Margaret,

that you have been selected as

general chairman of the building program.

- General chairman?

- Building program?

- Oh they must be kidding.

- Well I couldn't, I couldn't build a hot dog stand

let alone a big clinic.

(laughter)

- You're supposed tocall the club president,

Mrs. Bradshaw, and tell her if you'll accept the job.

(laughter)

Wouldn't that be funnyif you would accept it?

- Serve them right if she did.

(audience laughter) Oh those women.

Surely they know better than to

throw all that responsibility on one small woman

with no experience.

It's unfair, in fact it's pretty stupid.

- How can they do a thing like that?

- It's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard of.

- Can't you just see Mom out there

giving instructions to the crew?

Alright now men, this would be a cute place

to put the clinic, don't you think so?

(laughter)

Well then, you there, you run to the neighbor's

and borrow a shovel and dig the basement.

- Okay boss, how big a basement?

- Big enough to fitnicely under the clinic.

You, you there, ahoy.

You get a hammer andstart building the roof.

And make it cute. - Okay boss.

- And don't forget to leave a hole in it for the chimney.

(laughter)

- To hear you people talk you'd think I was the

dumbest person in the world. (laughs)

- Oh it's nothing against you, Mother.

It's the Women's Aid League for making such an

utterly stupid error.

- I see.

- Those women should realize that washing dishes,

making beds and cooking beans hardly qualifies a person

as a building contractor.

(audience laughter)

- Do you suppose they wrote that letter to you as a joke?

- Well, it's a hilariousone, I can see that.

I'm glad it's going over so big.

(audience laughter)

Well if you'll excuse me, I'll go out and (laughs)

cook beans. (audience laughter)

That is if I'm not too ignorant.

- Mom's sore.

- Well I don't blame her, the idea of them

sending her that letter.

- [Jim] Sure a thing like that could give a woman

an inferiority complex.

Those women.

(audience laughter)

- How did it feel to be a big building

and construction man?

- Myrtle if you don't mind, I'd rather

you didn't even mention that subject.

- Why, what's the matter?

- Oh it's so ridiculous.

I don't know the first thing about building.

- Well you don't have to know anything.

- What?

- No, it's just for publicity.

Everything's been done.

The architect's plans have been approved,

the contracts have been let, and Carlson

the building contractor has been hired, everything.

All you have to do is look pretty.

- Well I...

Oh thank you, Myrtle.

I don't understand.

- Well, we want to get all the publicity we can out of this

so we decided the smart thing to do was to choose

our most photogenic member as building chairman,

and that's you.

Oh Margaret, you should have heard the

flattering things they said about you.

- Well, that's very nice.

- You see, your name will be used

in all the publicity stories, and all you'll have to do

is pose for the pictures.

You and Mr. Carlsongoing over the plans and

you and the mayor at thegroundbreaking ceremony.

Incidentally, that will be next Friday.

- (laughs) Well this puts an entirely new aspect on things.

- So you'd better uphold the cause of

Springfield womanhood and call Mrs. Bradshaw

and tell her you'll accept.

(Margaret laughs)

What's so funny?

- Oh I was just thinkinghow my family will react

when they hear me accept the job.

- Oh.

- Oh they've beenmaking the most horrible

jokes about this thing.

According to them, picking me was the

world's stupidest error.

(audience laughter)

A mother is good only for cooking and scrubbing.

(audience laughter)

- You get that from your family, too?

(audience laughter)

- You know Myrtle, I wish I didn't have to let them know

what the job really is.

- Well don't tell them.

Let them think you're really the head man.

- Oh I couldn't do that.

Anyway they'd find out soon enough.

- Not necessarily.

I'd be very glad to help you fool them for a while,

it'd serve them right. - It would?

- And I could make a lotof phone calls to you,

pretending that I'm Mr.Carlson and the mayor.

And you'll have a copy of the blueprints

for the publicity pictures anyway,

so you could pretend that you're making

changes in the plans and all that.

(laughter)

- Oh, it would be a good joke for those smart alecks.

(laughter)

But I couldn't do it.

- Good morning Mrs. Davis. - [Myrtle] Oh, hi.

- Did you hear about Mom building a clinic?

(laughter)

Hey, you play your cards right

you might be able to get her to hire you

a hod carrier or something.

(laughter)

- Hod carrier.

Myrtle, meet the new building chairman.

(laughter)

(Margaret clears throat)

Oh, Mrs. Bradshaw?

Oh this is Margaret Anderson.

I received your letter today, and I'll be very happy to

accept the job as building chairman.

(audience laughter)

Oh, yes, I think it'll be exciting.

- [Jim] Margaret, listen.

- No, I don't think it'll be any trouble at all.

Well fine Mrs. Bradshaw,and thank you very much.

- Honey have you lost your mind completely?

You don't realize what atremendous undertaking this is.

- Oh I'll muddlethrough somehow.

(audience laughter)

- Mother you know absolutely nothing about building.

- Please, Betty, I have some important calls to make.

(audience laughter)

- Margaret listen, for your own sake,

for the sake of the whole club would you--

- Hello, may I speak to Mr Carlson the contractor?

- [Kathy] What?

- He built the new city auditorium.

- Are the smarties listening? Good.

Here's Mr. Carlson now.

Yes, what can I do for you, ma'am?

(audience laughter)

- Oh Mr. Carlson, this is Margaret Anderson.

I'm taking over the children's clinic project

and I'm interviewing general contractors.

- She took the job?

(audience laughter)

- No, make it tomorrow.

I'm trying to rush this thing along.

In fact, I'm planning a big groundbreaking ceremony

for next Friday.

Fine, thank you very much.

- You're building a clinic?

(audience laughter) - I'm afraid so.

I'm not really qualifiedfor the job, but.

Hello, may I speak to the mayor?

(audience laughter) - The mayor?

Oh, well when he comes in, tell him I'd like him

to take part in the groundbreaking ceremonies

for the Women's Aid League's new clinic.

Thank you very much.

(audience laughter)

- There they are, big as life,

Mom and the mayor breaking ground.

- Well sir, if I wasn't seeing it I wouldn't believe it.

- And to think she just called the mayor

and told him to be thereand bang, there he is.

She must be pretty important.

- Must be, is she home?

- No, she said she'd b*at Mr. Carlson's office

all afternoon going over the plans.

She told me I better go ahead with dinner.

- Hello, sorry I'm late.- [Betty] Hi, Mother.

- [Jim] Well. - Hello, dear.

- Hey Mom, yourpicture's in the paper.

- [Kathy] Yeah, with the mayor.

- Oh yes I saw a copy.

It's a frightfulpicture of me, isn't it?

(audience laughter)

Oh what a busy day.

The photographers and the reporters.

Then to Carlson's office.

Oh, I changed half the plans, ordered new blueprints.

Argued with the electric contractor.

(phone rings)

Yes?

Oh yes Mr. Carlson.

(audience laughter)

- Margaret, when we leftthe movie this afternoon

did you pick up my gloves?

You know I think I have yours.

- Yes, you're right, but don't worry.

I'll straighten thatout tomorrow, good bye.

That Carlson, I don't know how he'd get along without me.

(audience laughter)

- You know since Mommy started building that clinic

she's had her picture in the paper seven times already.

Just look.

- Seven times, and look at all these articles quoting her.

Wow, she's getting mighty important.

- She sure is.

Makes me feel ashamed of myself for the

way I was treating her, acting like she didn't know a thing.

And here she is, thesmartest woman in town.

- Well why don't you tell her that?

- Well I've tried to.

But, I don't know, I feel embarrassed or something.

- Well, get some sleep

and maybe you'll think of a way to tell her tomorrow.

- I hope so, good night.

- Night honey. (sighs)

- Hello Princess.

- Oh hi, Father, did you sell a

thousand insurance policies tonight?

- He he not quite.

Is the construction boss home?

(audience laughter)

- Not yet, she's still at a business meeting.

Did you see thescrapbook Kathy started?

Makes Mother sound pretty big.

According to Mrs. Anderson, Mrs. Anderson declared,

it was stated by Mrs. Anderson.

Boy she's getting more coveragethan a flag pole sitter.

(audience laughter)

How does she do it?

How did she learn so much about the

building trade almost overnight?

(audience laughter)

- Well, um, I'll tell you Betty.

I stumbled onto something today which

sheds a slightly new light on your mother's activities.

- What do you mean by that?

- You know this fellow Carlson

with whom she works at all hours?

I met him today.

I was introduced to himat a business luncheon.

- Jim, shake hands with the state's most

famous buildingcontractor, Sam Carlson.

- Carlson, oh yes.

- Excuse me. - [Jim] Sure.

- [Carlson] How do you do?

- We've never met but we have the same boss.

(audience laughter) - Boss?

- Yes, my wife, Mrs. Anderson.

You have my sympathy Mr. Carlson.

But don't let her buffalo you.

She's really not so tough.

- Your wife you say?

- Yes, Margaret Anderson, the Women's Aid League.

You know she's the one who's running the clinic project.

- Oh she is?

(audience laughter)

- Yes, she's the one who hired you.

- Hired me? (audience laughter)

I was hired several months ago by Mr. Morrison,

the attorney who handles all the league's business.

- Oh?

Well Mrs. Anderson is the one who's been

working with you every day on the clinic.

- You must have me mixedup with someone else.

I've never even met Mrs. An--

Oh no, wait.

Maybe she was the one I had my

picture taken with one day, a publicity picture.

Yes, I remember her.

Very nice woman, very pretty.

(audience laughter)

- [Betty] And he didn't even know her?

- [Jim] Nope.

- Well what about all those phone calls she has with him?

- Well I don't know, but I know it isn't

Carlson on the other end.

(audience laughter)

Obviously that sweet little mother of ours

is pulling a fast one on us.

(audience laughter)

- How do you like that?

I can hardly believe it,Mother of all people.

You'd hardly suspect herof a thing like that.

- Neither would I, that's why we were taken in so easily.

- But wait, what about all these newspaper articles?

- Well evidently they'rejust using her name

for publicity on the project.

- Oh wait til I get hold of her.

- Say, what's Mom doing next door with Mrs. Davis?

I thought she went to a business meeting tonight.

- [Betty] She's at Mrs. Davis'?

- Yeah, when I drove in just now I saw them

through the kitchen window.

They were laughing andhaving a high old time.

- Father, that's it.

If she's over there instead of at the meeting

then Mrs. Davis must be in on the joke.

I'll bet she's been on the other end

of all those phone calls.

- What are you talking about, what joke?

- Bud, that little old gray-haired mother of yours

has been faking this whole thing.

She's not really building that clinic.

Oh I can hardly waitfor her to walk in here.

The things I'm gonna tell her.

- No wait.

I have a better idea.

Let's not say anything about this.

Let her go right on thinking that she's fooling us.

And we might get a couple of laughs ourselves

watching her work her little game.

(audience laughter)

- Oh yes, it's a much better idea.

- I still don't get what she's doing,

how's she been faking?

- Sh, I think I hear her coming.

Remember now, we don't know a thing.

(audience laughter)

- Oh, hello.

Everyone's still up?

- How did your meeting go?

- Oh, alright.

I'll be glad when this is over and I can relax again.

- Mr. Carlson still giving you a tough time or are you

whipping him into shape by now?

- Oh, he's coming along nicely.

Still a little pig-headed but

(audience laughter)

I guess that's all part of the game.

(audience laughter)

Well, I guess I'll go to bed.

(audience laughter)

- I've looked over theseplans for the clinic.

I wish you'd explain them to me.

- Oh, they're all changed again.

Well I've scribbled over them so much

you'd hardly be able to understand them.

(laughter)

I can hardlyunderstand them myself.

(laughter)

Just must get some sleep.

(audience laughter)

I have a lot of problemscoming up tomorrow, good night.

- We'll talk about it later. - Bye, Patty.

See you at school tomorrow. - I've got to run now.

I'll see you later.

Hi, Kathy.

- Oh, Mommy, guess what?

You were a big hit in class today.

- I was a big hit?

- Yes here, read this.

- The most important person I ever met.

What is this, something you had to write for school?

- For English, we had to write on that topic

so I wrote about you.

- The most important person I ever met is my mother.

She's not only awonderful mother

but also a prominent citizen.

Besides running our home and family

she's almost single-handedly--

Oh, no.

Building the new children's clinic.

- Well keep going.

- She directs everything, giving orders to contractors

and everyone, even to the mayor.

(audience laughter)

You say you read this to the whole class?

- Yes, and boy was I proud.

You should have seen Ginnie Sloan turn green with envy.

She's always bragging about hermother and how great she is.

- Well.

It's very nice, Kathy.

- Well finish reading it, Mommy,

because I mean everything in it.

I'm sorry the way I talked to you a couple of weeks ago.

I, I really think you're wonderful.

- Well, Kathy,

I'm afraid I'm not sowonderful as you think.

- Yes you are, and I'll fight anybody who says you're not.

In fact I already have.

- What?

- That darn Ginnie.

After school she made cracks to a lot of the kids

about my composition being a pack of fibs.

I didn't really hurt her.

- Oh, Kathy.

You shouldn't do things like that.

- Well anybody who saysmy mother is a fake.

- Kathy there's a bunchof your friends outside,

they want to see you.

- My friends, who are they?

- Well, one of them's Ginnie Sloan.

I don't know what she's talking about

but she said she canprove what she's saying.

- She can, eh? Well I'll show her.

[Margaret] Kathy wait, there's

something I want to tell you.

- Ginnie come in the house and bring all your friends.

I want you to hear the truth direct from my mother.

Then we'll see who's lying.

Come on if you're not afraid.

Come on, don't be chicken, come on!

- I told my mother what you wrote about your mother

single-handedly building that clinic,

and she said that was a lot of nonsense.

- Nonsense?

- Yeah, and she said your mom was just a--

what did she call it?

- Publicity front.

- Publicity front?

Well you just get in here and we'll see

who's a publicity front.

- Oh yeah and what's more...

- Well we'll just see about that.

Come on, Mommy, come on.

Go ahead, tell them the truth.

- Well.

- That Kathy, if she only knew

what she was doing to Mother.

- You see,

well, when Kathywrote that theme

she was prejudiced in my favor.

So, understandably, shestretched things a bit.

In fact, I guess one would have to say that

Ginnie's mother is right.

- What?

- Oh, poor Mother.

She's having to destroyboth Kathy and herself.

If we could just do something to save her.

Wait, I think I hear Father coming.

- Well he can't do anything.

- But of course my jobdoes have certain duties

which are important.

Perhaps they appear moreimportant than they really are.

So, well, it was natural for Kathy to

assume that I was single-handedly building the clinic.

Actually the, well the man who builds it

is Mr. Carlson, the big contractor.

- I'm sorry to interrupt.

Carlson just phoned, he wanted to know if

you needed him any more this week for publicity pictures.

(audience laughter)

And the league president called

to ask if you'd okay these blueprints

to be photographed forthe publicity brochures?

(phone rings)Oh, that phone.

Ever since you took that job

this thing rings day and night.

Hello?

(audience laughter) Hello?

Yes, Mrs. Anderson is here.

It's the newspapers, again.

(audience laughter) Answer it.

They said it's urgent.

(audience laughter)

- Hello (clears throat), hello?

- Mother this is the editor

and we're holding the presses for your publicity releases.

- Go on, go on.

- I'm sure the--

- Publicity releases.

- Publicity releases have already been sent to you, yes.

- And you had about five more calls.

(phone rings) Oh, me.

Sorry kids they just won't let the poor woman rest.

Hello?

Who?

Yes, she's here.

You again.

The mayor. (audience laughter)

- Hello.

- How do you do madam, this is the mayor

and I'm very hungry, ublub.

(audience laughter)

How about publicitying me up a sandwich?

(audience laughter)

- I'm sorry, I'm too busy.

You'll have to handle this yourself.

(audience laughter) Goodbye.

- Now, this.

- Boy, Mrs. Anderson, you're the importantest woman

I've ever known.

You know, this publicityfront is even a

bigger job than building the clinic.

- No it's not.

Well I do nothing.

- Nothing she says.

Only about a million phone calls, that's all, wow.

- Oh no, really, I do very little.

You see, I have some very ingenious assistants

who never fail me.

- But anybody can see who's boss.

And we better not take up any more of your valuable time.

So long, Kathy.

- Oh no no, no wait, now don't go.

I think that the phone calls will stop long enough

for me to make you some lemonade and some cookies.

Now you go out in the kitchen with Kathy.

Oh, and you too, Ginnie.

And I'll be right out, go on.

- Come on, kids.

(kids talk excitedly)

(audience laughter)

- You knew what a fraud I was.

(audience laughter)

Oh what you people must think of me.

- Shall we tell her?

Mrs. Anderson, we think you're the

importantest woman we've ever known.

Even though you are the prettiest

clinic builder in the world.

Don't build any more.

We need you too much right here.

(audience applause)

(Father Knows Best theme)