02x07 - Dumb Deaths

[bunniefuu]

That cloud looks like a banana,
eating a banana.

Whoa. Bananabalism. (LAUGHING)

Uh, Flower, is that a bear?

Oh, that one does look like a bear.

Good call, Ira.

No. I mean right there. (GROWLING)

Hey, Mr. Bear. How are you today?

Mm. She is not long for this world.

Thor happy for bear.

Eat well tonight.

What's that? Oh, you want a hug?

I don't think that's
what he's saying, Flower!

(BEAR GROWLING, FLOWER SCREAMING)

(IRA SCREAMS)

(BEAR GROWLING)

(CLAWS RIPPING)

(THOR CLEARS THROAT)

♪ ♪

And she's staying.

Hey. Hi.

What are you guys looking at?

Oh, man, I'd hate to be her.

- THOR: Yeah.
- Ugh.

So, were you guys
at the music festival, or...

ISAAC: And while today
he may be celebrated

as a great man,
it turns out Hamilton was

a bit of a nose-picker.

Yeah, why don't you tell me
about the revolution?

What got you interested in that?

Oh. Well, I mean, suppose

it was around the time of the Stamp Act.

You see, the Crown had
levied the most unjust tax

- on the colonies...
- Hmm.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Mm, nothing.

- Just a frog in my throat.
- I see.

Um, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes.

The Crown had levied
a tax on the colonies

to pay for their costly
w*r with France...

- Hmm.
- Okay, well, there it is again.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Sorry, I should get that.

Wait... Wait, but what about the book?

Sam, did you know
they wouldn't let Hamilton sign

the Declaration of Independence?

Yes! They knew where
those fingers had been!

This is Paula. She's interested
in renting out our property

as a sh**ting location.

I'm with a docu-series
called Dumb Deaths.

I don't know if you're aware,
but this property was actually

the site of a dumb death.

Could you be more specific?

There were a number of dumb
deaths that took place here.

And also just some regular ones, too.

Well, the one we're
interested in involves

a hippie back in the ' s.

Oh, Flower... child.

A flower child is probably is
what you're talking about.

The woman's name was Susan Montero.

She wandered over from
a music festival high on dr*gs.

And then she tried to hug a bear.

So, the show would be making fun of me?

I don't love that.

The sh**t would be two days
and we'd give you $ , .

$ , ? That's more
than I paid for my Skylark.

Uh, we could certainly use the money.

Yeah, our busy season just
ended and it wasn't that busy.

So, what do you say?

Well, I...

Sam, I said no.
I don't want to look dumb.

Tell this lady and that guy
that we're not interested.

PETE: Um, Flower, look,

I think you're looking
at this the wrong way.

I mean, this is an opportunity
to really help Sam and Jay here.

Were you going to say something?

Yes. Yes, I was just

thinking about your offer.

So, give me one moment.

Mm. Yeah, this is all
just part of her process.

She's very deliberative.

As a small business owner
in life myself,

I can attest to the fact
that these early days

can be some of the most stressful.

You should see her try
to pick out a movie. Oof!

Heck, I've arguably got
the dumbest death of them all.

But I'd still be proud
to be able to lend a hand.

I mean, think of all Sam does for us.

Yeah, Flower. Do it for Sam and Jay.

I guess you're right.

Okay, Sam.
They can do the show about me.

Okay. Having thought
about the pros and cons,

I think we should do it.

Great.

ISAAC: You know, Nigel,

earlier today, when I was telling Sam

about the injustices
building up to the w*r,

you, um, had a reaction.

- A reaction?
- A rather pointed, "Hmm."

Did I?

I'm still getting to know
all your adorable little tics,

but this pointed "Hmm" seems to occur

only when you're displeased.

I thought it was actually
quite a reserved utterance,

given the egregious
misrepresentation of history

- I was hearing.
- Excuse me?

Well, the Stamp Act you maligned

was necessary to pay for the many troops

we brought to protect you from France
during the Seven Years' w*r.

Oh. Please.

If anything, you rebels
should be thanking us.

Thanking you? Thor.

Thor, could you come
in here for a second?

I need you to settle something for us.

Who was right about the Stamp Act?

Well, Thor feel there's no
real upside to weighing in here.

Don't want to get in middle of...

NIGEL: Oh, come now.

Was it the righteous monarchy
or the sniveling colonists?

What's that? (LAUGHS)

Be right there!

Whoa, that guy's shirt says,
"It's Getting Hot In Here,

- season one."
- Yeah, the producer said

it's actually a lot of the same crew.

We walk amongst the gods! (LAUGHS)

So how are you gonna sh**t the bear?

Is it gonna be CGI or are
you gonna get one of those guys

in a bear suit?

Oh, we actually pivoted
from the hippie hugging a bear idea.

What? The network felt there were

too many animal episodes this season.

But we had the location,
so we looked into

some of the other deaths
your wife had mentioned.

Huh.

It turns out some idiot
got sh*t teaching archery

to a bunch of little girls. (CHUCKLES)

(ENGLISH ACCENT):
Thank you, so nice to meet you.

What's your name?

Oh, my God. They're doing you, Pete.

Aw, now you get to help Sam and Jay.

You must be so happy.

This is... so cool.

I'm so sorry,
I don't want to be that guy.

But mobile phones
weren't around in .

So, would you mind?

Just... I know you're not onscreen,

but it's just the vibe for me.

Also, could somebody
please fetch me a Tab?

I actually put on
pounds for my last role.

Took months to lose it,

but no one will ever forget
Customer Number Two.

You sure you okay with this, Pete?

Yeah, I was rattled at first,

but I was right in what I told Flower.

I mean, this is my chance
to really help Jay and Sam.

Daniel, um, could I have a quick word?

Just have a few questions
about my character.

Well, it's five lines and then you
get sh*t with an arrow, but sure.

What drives Pete Martino?

Who is Pete Martino?

A good-hearted man.
Kind to his family and troops.

Dude, he's an idiot.
Got k*lled by a little girl.

Okay, that's another take.

Now, why would he do something
so unbelievably stupid?

You know, what causes a man...
An experienced troop leader...

To put himself directly
in the line of fire?

I don't know. Maybe he was drunk?

What?

That's crazy. Were you?

No!

Yes, of course he was.

He looked around one day and realized
how pathetic his life was.

A travel agent
booking other people's holidays

while going nowhere himself.

Hey, we went to Epcot, buddy.

That's the whole world all at once!

And so he hit the bottle.
I can play that.

Great. We good?

Mm-hmm. I'll need a flask.

I'll talk to Props.

Hey, do not get him a "flahsk"!

We do not need a flask! Sam!

Sorry, in a bit of a rush.

Who is this woman who just
walked to the head of the line?

That's the producer. That's
the most baller job on a film set.

She could fire someone
for just looking at her.

Really? So powerful.

Hey, Paula, hey, hi.

The arrow guy's a drunk now.
Which flask do you want?

I'd like to see some more choices.

- Is that a problem, Gary?
- No, ma'am.

No, right away.

I like her.

ISAAC: Can I bend your
ears about something?

I am in the most
frustrating tiff with Nigel.

About what?

The American Revolution.

Mm, may be time to let this one go, bud.

No, no, no, I get it.

It's like you guys are rooting
for different teams.

I've been there.

I was a huge Giants fan

and I dated this chick who liked
the Eagles. Mortal enemies.

S-So, what did you do?

Whenever football came up,
I would change the subject to something

that no one would find controversial,

like, uh, The Cosby Show
or Woody Allen movies.

So you're saying
in order to keep the peace,

I should avoid the w*r?

Damn, Isaac, that was good.

Suck on that, Hamilton. (LAUGHS)

- What's going on?
- Pete's upset with the way

the show is trying to portray him.

It's a gosh darn hatchet job!

Sorry about the locker room
talk, but I am steamed.

They're implying that he was
drunk the day of the incident.

Look, I may not have had
the perfect marriage.

And at work, I was a good travel agent,
but I was no Greg Flannagan.

Famous travel agent?

There are no famous travel agents.

The point is, the one thing
I could hang my hat on

was that I was
a great Scout troop leader.

Those kids loved me,
and I was there for them.

That's what makes this so hurtful.

Hey, uh, Paula,
could I just have a second?

I'm a little concerned about this whole,

"Portraying Pete as a drunk" thing.

Um, yeah, we don't typically
take creative notes

from the owners of the location.

Now, is that all?
Because Paula and I have

a million things to do if
we're gonna make our day.

Right, it's just,
I actually know his widow.

I met his grandkid.

Oh, God, Little Pete's gonna see this.

This is how he's gonna know me.

And I don't think they would appreciate
an inaccurate depiction.

How do you know it's inaccurate?
Were you there?

- Yes!
- No.

Okay, well, if we need you
to move your cars or anything,

we'll let you know.

Producers coming through, clear the way.

This is so unfair.
They can't do this to my guy Pete.

What are we supposed to do, Jay?

They're right, we weren't there.

But we were.

Right, that's also not helpful.

What about one of his old troopers?

That's it.

We could track one of them down
and they could set the record straight.

That's a great idea!

I'll look them up,
and assuming they're not

too traumatized to talk about it,
we'll make it happen.

It was very traumatizing.

Thor not sleep for many
moons after witnessing.

And I've chopped heads off,
and drank blood from open necks.

Now, let's track down
a middle-aged woman.

(LAUGHS)

Isaac, I hope you're not
too upset to go on our stroll.

Just the opposite.

And I was thinking we should
avoid talk of the revolution altogether.

Ah. Splendid idea.

Ooh, I wonder if we'll see ducks!

You know, I was thinking,

we always go for a walk by the lake.

Why not mix it up and go
for a walk in the woods instead?

That would be most enjoyable.

But it is tradition
that we stroll by the lake.

It's how we've always strolled.

Yes, but sometimes tradition
is meant to be broken,

especially when one party
desires to go in a new direction.

Well, why go in a new direction when

the old direction is working just fine?

I deserve a vote in where we walk.

No ambulation without representation.

Wait a minute.

You're not talking about the walk!

Oh, nothing gets by you, does it?

Except the most prosperous
colony in all the empire.

Oh! This is precisely
the kind of childish behavior

one would expect from a...

A what?

Say it. I dare you.

Yankee.

(GASPS) You did not.

Yankee, Yankee, Yankee, Yankee! (GASPS)

I don't get this rewrite.

Why would I say "Howdy?"

Is this a Western? Am I Jonathan Wayne?

Just say the words.

Picture's up in ten
and we're running out of daylight.

Thank you so much for coming.

It would mean a lot to Pete's
family that you're here.

I mean, it was a pretty
crazy call to get,

but if I can do something to
help out Mr. Martino, I'm game.

Aw, she's a good kid.
Oh, Sam, offer her a ring-pop.

Cherry's her favorite flavor.

Paula, I would like to introduce
you to Jennifer Macklin.

She's actually one of the little girls

- from Pete's Pinecone troop.
- Pete?

The guy who d*ed?

Oh, right, this week's idiot.

She has a lot on her plate.

You were there?

Tell me everything, Jennifer.

Bring me inside the mind... of a madman.

Well, for one, Mr. Martino
would never have a flask.

He wasn't a drinker.

Ha, see? I told you.

But he was a bitter soul,

visibly haunted by demons from his past?

(CHUCKLING): No. I'm sorry.

That's about the exact opposite
of Mr. Martino.

Damn it! Whatever tenuous foothold I had

into this man is gone.
I've completely lost my character.

Right, back to basics.

I'm a bumbling cuckold
whose only friends are little children.

So, you see, Pete did nothing wrong.

It was an unfortunate incident

and nothing "dumb" on Pete's part.

Yeah, sorry, Paula, if that's
not good for your show,

but, I mean, you heard
it from an eyewitness.

Well, he did do something sort of dumb.

Wait, what?

Was it pills? Pills I can play.
Was it pills?

For some reason, on that day,
I remember him handing out

the bows and arrows
before the safety demonstration.

What? That's not true.

years seems like an awfully long time
for such a small detail.

No, this I'm sure about.

He just seemed really
distracted. He kept

muttering something about donut holes.

Oh, my God...

Yeah. You were muttering
about donut holes.

She's right.

It all started that morning
before I headed to the archery lesson.

(EXHALES)

Is, uh... Sweetie, did-did you
eat the rest of the donut holes?

Yeah, I thought you were done with them.

No, Carol, I was looking forward
to having some before I left.

You don't even like donut holes.

No, I like donut holes.
I don't like donuts.

Okay, that doesn't make any sense.

The donut holes are
punched out of the donut.

That's wrong. You see, donut
holes come from their own machine.

Okay, even if that were true,
they're all donut material!

I was so distracted,
I must have handed out

the arrows before doing
the safety speech.

Okay, so he wasn't a reckless
drunk, he was just an idiot?

Are we done here?

♪ ♪

Don't listen to her, Pete.

PETE: Why not? She's right.

I failed those girls.

I was a terrible Pinecone troop leader.

A sugar fiend in need of his fix.

His blind pursuit of pastries
ultimately costing him his life,

and earning me a general meeting with

JJ Abrams, or someone at his company.

- So, how's Pete doing?
- He looks pretty glum.

He tried to rip off his
Pinecone Trooper badge,

but it just zapped
right back into place.

Thanks for highlighting my impotence.

- What's going on?
- Pete's impotent.

Oh, is that why he didn't
want to be our third?

It's okay. There's
still stuff you can do.

SAM: Paula.

I'm sorry, but we're going to have
to shut this whole thing down.

Oh, my God.

Just forget it, Sam.
I d*ed dumb. It's time to pay the piper.

I get that it's accurate now,
but as friends of Pete's family,

we just don't feel comfortable...

Here's the thing. You signed a contract
stipulating we can sh**t here,

so we're sh**ting here. Okay, sweetie?

And that is why you are you,

and she produced
World's Hottest Dentists.

SAM: Isaac...

what's going on?

It's just this thing
that I have with Nigel.

It's not going to last.

What happened?

It's just that our differences
are simply irreconcilable.

Americans and the British
are sworn enemies

and it shall remain that way
until the end of time.

- Isaac.
- Hmm?

Britain and the U.S.
are basically best friends.

(CHUCKLES)

What? Really?

They are, like, our closest ally.

You know, there's even
a name for the friendship

between Britain and America.

It's called, "The Special Relationship."

Honestly, Samantha, I'm impressed
with your knowledge of geopolitics.

Thank you. I...
I learned it from a movie

called Love Actually.

There we go.

All right, last looks, everybody!

Oh, Daniel, an idea, if I may.

When the arrow's punctured
my neck and shattered

Pete Martino's dreams...

I urinate.

Sure, why not?

You know, that's real.
That's what the body does.

- I like it.
- PAULA: Yeah, that's not bad.

Wardrobe! We're gonna need more shorts.

This is going great.

Poor Pete.

We have to do something to stop this.

Sam already tried, but it didn't work.

Well...

then we do something.

♪ ♪

Are you gonna make a suggestion, or...

Oh. No, Thor just trying
to get the ball rolling.

- You know?
- While I have poured

my heart and soul into this production,

my allegiance is with Peter.

And I know how we can
shut this thing down.

Thor, we'll need your ghost power.

We're going to focus
your destructive capacity

on the most important part
of any production.

The writer?

(LAUGHS)

Oh, sorry, I thought you were
purposely making a joke.

No. I am talking about... the camera.

CREWMAN: All right, picture's up!

(SLURPING)

Okay, I've got three takes
in me. Let's make them count.

All right, the stunt of him getting sh*t

in the neck is up next,
so just make sure

- the bow and arrow's ready.
- Copy.

I know I'm not technically
with production,

but hey, I am the owner of the house,

so gimme a tuna sandwich, huh?

- No one has to know.
- DANIEL: All right.

So, you've given the little
girls the bow and arrows.

You should have given them
the safety precautions,

but you were too distracted
by your donut hole rant.

Okay, just say, "Action,"
I can't hold it in much longer.

And... action!

Girls, listen up, pay attention.

Thor, camera!

Prepare to be destroyed, tiny foe!

(GRUNTS)

I'd like to talk to you through
some important safety procedures.

This is all information that
would've been really useful

before you handed out
the deadly weapons, you idiot!

(SCREAMING)

(ELECTRIC BEEP) Oh, just lost a battery.

(GASPS) You did it, Thor!

Because I told him so. Producing!

Okay, good to go.

What?

- All right, action!
- What?

Listen up, girls, pay attention.

You got another one in you, big guy?

- You can do it.
- Come on, Thor.

- Come on, Thor.
- Come on, Thor.

FLOWER: Ow! Oh. Ooh.

Whoa, what was in that tuna wrap?

HETTY: Oh, he's quite stoned.

Hey. You want to go
for a ride, little buddy?

Oh.

Ow!

Jay!

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

Is there an arrow in my butt?

Do not remove the arrow. Stay calm.

Help. Is anyone going to do anything?

- Do not remove the arrow. Stay calm.
- Okay.

Bandages. Tape.

Uh, we need to support the arrow
and secure it.

Then we're gonna make a tourniquet.

Bandages. Tape.
We need to support the arrow,

secure it, and then we're
going to make a tourniquet.

Wait, so Jennifer can hear ghosts?

No. She just... remembers.

Because you were a good troop leader.

I guess I was.

♪ ♪

Oh, that's a waste.

And he wet himself.

Wardrobe. We're gonna need new shorts.

And socks!

Also socks.

NARRATOR: Everybody dies.

But not everybody dies... dumbly.

This is Dumb Deaths.

Oh, is this the program
they did about Peter?

No, uh, after Jay got
sh*t with an arrow,

we agreed not to sue in return for them
not doing Pete's story.

- Thank you, Sam.
- FLOWER: But we still wanted

Sam and Jay to get paid, so...

NARRATOR: This week's dummy is a hippie

who tried to hug a bear.

(BEAR GROWLS, WOMAN SCREAMS)

Hey, glad you and Nigel made up.

Yes. If America and England
can resolve their issues, so can we.

They are very similar countries.

So one has a parliamentary system

that's slightly superior. No matter.

Hmm.

What was that, my special friend?

Hmm? Oh, nothing, my special friend.

Sam, you're on the TV.

Yo, man, is that a bear?

I bet it totally wants to hug me.

Uh... Hey, Fluffy.

Ooh! Oh, my God,
this is so embarrassing.

Then why did you insist they
cast you as part of the deal?

Who else was gonna step in last second?

And besides, I was in
drama club in high school.

I thought you just built sets.

- Because of politics, Jay!
- ACTOR: No!

This was supposed to be a hip
and groovy day, you dig?

But this is like...
the opposite of groovy!

Didn't the real Ira run off screaming?

He didn't think that was something
his character would do.

There's no such thing as free love.

There's always a price.

(GROANING)

Is he... soiling himself?

Yep.