03x06 - Still Cooking

[bunniefuu]

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we make more popcorn Oh Tina daddy's

tired but there's plenty on my shirt

okay don't water Enoch your shirt like

that that's gross you go make some for

you double to shirt this somewhere by

your speech can I see everyone in the

kitchen please no but you can see it's

all on the couch hi mom I guess more

ribs for me then ribs wait a minute I

don't smell ribs kids don't go in there

have a seat now who can tell me what is

wrong with this picture there's no rips

the past week I've been conducting an

experiment I have left this big

disgusting roasting pan right here in

the middle of the table to see how long

it would take before someone bothered to

clean it out actually if you wanted to

make the experiment correct you'd have

to have a control group everyone just

assumes that if there's raw food it's my

job to cook it if there's something

dirty around here it is my job to clean

it what do I need to do hire a tiny

little grease man to stand up in the

middle of the pan and say per-screen

mate tiny little grease I do everything

around here I find the food I cook the

food and sometimes if I'm very quick I

even get to eat the food but you know

what I've had enough tonight I'm gonna

go into the other room and I'm going to

watch TV and when and if I ever do come

back into this kitchen this roasting pan

very clean oh you heard looks like your

mother officially reached her limit now

who had her cracking after seven day

[Applause]

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we go Fitz little afternoon snack or

something to take the edge off I know if

you've looked at me lately but I don't

got any edges hmm oh my god what is this

pasta Puttanesca it's Italian pasta with

Puttanesca you like it like him it's

alive with flavors hmm let me warn how

to cook this uh one night I turned the

TV on and there was a little late-night

cable show called debbie does dinner

unfortunately Debbie was 72 and dinner

was dinner this is great I can't believe

you learn how to make it from one show

actually I've been watching it ever

since last night I learned how to make

pulled pork which also isn't what I

thought it wasn't right beauty doesn't

make them cooked every night oh well

that's because as far as Judy's

concerned I can't cook I can't fix a car

what i can do is fake a hell of a sneeze

so she thinks I'm allergic to laundry

detergent look at out of a lot of work

just by acting clueless you know I do

the same thing with Miriam only not with

chores I tend to cut corners on certain

preliminary aspects of our lovemaking oh

when it comes to the main event i am

quite proficient

tender when required vigorous if desired

may be quiet oh yeah but I can also be

quite vocal instead hey Dad nobody's

left me on our you doing I need to hide

the evidence oh no I'm eating my little

fishes Brian what are you doing home so

early oh I hurt my shoulder in gym class

what were you planning apparently a game

called pile on Brian cuz he asked the

teacher for a pop quiz mom had to pick

me up mom's here true yeah she bring in

the trash cans what's smells so good

wait what are you talking slovak italian

food in here well i was walking home and

I tripped in a garlic field dad this

sauce looks really good did you cook

this you saw nothing here today Brian do

you hear me you did cook some sort of

pasta dish with olives and capers

Puttanesca he knows what this is too why

am I the johnny-come-lately to the

Puttanesca party this is great how come

he ever cook for us because I told you I

can't cook well I get it you're afraid

mom will find out make you pull your

weight around here Brian I'm not gonna

lie to you mostly because I can't think

of a good one right now no wait no don't

say anything what's in it for me what's

in it for you the fact that I'm your

father and you will respect me hey guys

that can cook okay Lauren is now my

firstborn son you've been hiding it for

me to get out of work you made this

great pasta bill that's true well I made

pasta but it's not that great it's

delicious you jackass oh I can make one

thing big deal one incredibly delicious

thing that intent you my friend are

cooking dinner tomorrow night

and not just a sandwich something good

like duck or something god I can't

possibly cook Dhaka to take our some

marinade you know what marinating

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honey I'm home what's for dinner listen

to me how good does that sound hello I'm

glad you're happy and you know you were

right there's nothing wrong with me

helping out around here actually it's

kind of fun oh the fun wears off around

your 10,000 meatloaf but you gotta wait

a little while no pick in round

everybody up come on in kids disappear

dinner yay no he made a meal yay Rosen

be sad Oh a real dinner with real food

she did Jackie cook I broke the story

right and tonight it's chicken

cacciatore and a plum tomato sauce with

just a touch of basil dig in don't be

shy what's different it's really uh

that's really really puts up a fight

double actually like gum I think I just

takes a peek I got the other end happy

that dad oh I don't know what happened i

followed the recipe exactly the hell

don't b*at yourself up you tried chants

lunch fun the other room order p yeah

man I can't believe this well mini can

only make the one pasta dish oh you

think that's it i'm a one-trick pony it

tastes a lot like pony you know what

maybe we should put this cooking thing

on hold for a while I guess I feel

terrible Oh Belle it wasn't that bad ooh

but it's gonna be

man I miss dinner more like dodged it

laughs I found out spill was pretending

he couldn't cook so I never asked him to

so then tonight he cooked dinner and it

turned out awful so I guess that means

he'll go back to lying around while I go

back to doing all this wait a minute why

heat in here this happens to be the most

comfortable seat in there just as I

suspected it's delicious Miku versions

of the same meal a bill back and watch

back what's head dinging sound wife it

smell like garlic toast in here pinging

sound the smell of toast sounds like

someone's having a stroke twister often

doing in the show getting ready for work

well this was incredible thanks honey I

have got to hand it to you you lied to

me you tried to trick me but once i

found you even in the bathroom and

threatened to hit you with the toaster

oven you reluctantly did the right thing

well that's how I was raised so I guess

me tell mommy could cook tonight good

for everyone yeah except you narc there

you go yeah this is really good thanks

to little recipe I found in the food

section braised beef Bordeaux Tina Tina

what are you doing getting some salt

it's already perfectly seasoned honey if

you want more salt go out and lick the

driveway so bill how can we ever thank

you for making for a delicious meal well

you can all clean up the kitchen okay

what's guys great if you're risking me

for biscuits that our little lower I was

just want to thank you for all your hard

work I'd two hours free today because I

didn't have to go to the market or cook

I went to the bookstore and browse

problem i love it it takes my greatest

love in life food and combines it with

my second favorite thing eating where do

i fall in there bill you're tied with

beer but don't ask where football is Oh

what do you say we go upstairs and I try

to break the time mm-hmm just give me 10

minutes I need to saute these vegetables

for the stock and bring them down to a

low bubble so they'll be ready for

tomorrow what you don't mind if I borrow

this do you no no go right ahead I'll be

upstairs what are you doing just tying

my bouquet garni now look at work

get in there parsley now at where's my

whip oh boy that took a while what were

you doing down there sorry I was just

oiling my pie a pan for tomorrow why

didn't you bring those oily hands over

here and I'll put them to work wearing

the apron oh no you can take it off me

if you like that's better get over here

you know what do you want with him

anything in the world Oh thermo alloy

stock pot you know what let's talk

you're right we just untie your nightie

my little bouquet garni

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what's the matter nothin good so you're

ready to turn on the naked chef

[Laughter]

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no what now tired oh okay everything

alright sure yeah yeah it's just that

I'm so full I can't eat like that every

night you know what honey tomorrow

welcome no no no no you stay out of my

kitchen little Missy it's gonna be a

long time before you cook down there

again how does sandwiches look good

these aren't sandwiches their panini now

you need to microwave these for exactly

15 seconds to soften up the bread for

teens not enough and 16 you might as

well throw it away with this is your

gazpacho you remember what goes on top

yeah ground pepper cracked pepper and

what's the difference you know what just

go eat something off the floor okay okay

cracked pepper all right bye honey I got

to get to the produce market before work

if I don't get there early everything's

been picked over you have any idea how

frustrating that can be I have an idea

hey let me get this straight you

couldn't get turned on because he's

cooking I kept seeing him in there

girlie apron like mrs. Doubtfire was

coming at me I don't know I mean makes

these incredible muffins and you don't

have to have sex with them I don't do

the downside I know it's hard for you to

imagine but I do enjoy my sex life with

Belle okay i'm eating know what my

problem is if it possible that you feel

diminished as a woman because he is you

surfing your role as the nurturing

mother yeah right I want to try to pay a

woman at the mall to breastfeed Lauren

for me ask him to stop cooking what you

crazy the food is fabulous plus I have

all this free time there's just

something about him cooking that makes

my skin crawl maybe it's your button

what are you talking about well if the

girl had the thing that turns a rough

like me I mean I can't even think about

dating a guy who ties one of those

sweaters around his shoulders

would be on that one you just want to

yank the sleeves in toco certain stuff

is just hard liar I mean if you're

wearing pleated pants with the t-shirt

oh really oh yeah fanny pack corduroy

jacket none of it when did you ever

think that you had too many buttons oh

that's another one button fly jeans

where are you Amish I don't know maybe

it's the apron yeah the girly frilly

apron I need to go out and buy him a

manly masculine macho a friend forgot my

sweater see I wouldn't be how about this

one imagine the possibility whimsical

don't you think okay I don't want

whimsical I don't want sizzlemaster I

don't want BBQ tea I want something

manly something a man would wear not a

frilly lady girl I have this apron I'm

so sorry it's just that ever since my

husband started cooking there have been

issues in the household issue you know

marital issues

I need a more manly apron so I could

have sex with my husband again you're

asking a lot from an apron lady

oh you're cooking again I'm just

roasting some lamb shanks but I had an

inspiration at work today I'm gonna make

my own dry rub just using a little pick

up put this on oh hey he bought me a new

I yeah how does it look I don't know

kiss me that was a little hard you know

what you look tired you need to take a

break you know have a beer um I'm

cooking dinner oh you know what I'll do

it you've been cooking for so long now

just checked out apron off and relax go

oh my god good right yeah of course it's

good it's beer what you doing mind if I

watch no I don't know but wouldn't you

rather go watch sports yeah there's

nothing on tonight I'm can i make it a

suggestion you know with onions most of

the stuff that makes you cry is it the

rude end so what I do is I cut it in

half first place the cut side down and

then cut almost all the way through

north to south north

no okay okay you know what I think I

package hmm what you know you should

caramelize those onions before you put

them and sure without a lot of flavor

you know what bill I want to keep it

soon no it is simple I'll show you you

just saw tan to a deep brown and deglaze

the pan with a touch of wine have just a

whisper of shell you've turned into a

woman what I'm sorry I didn't mean that

yes I did you talkin about I'm sorry

bill i know it's old-fashioned but every

time i see you cooking you become this

crucial i put it chef boy r you girly

boy are you girly yeah in my mind oh god

just in your mind come on you must have

something irrational and crazy that

turns you off every time i do it don't

you no not even when i put on those big

manly work boots and downstairs to

fix the furnace and come back up all

covered in grime yeah he's talking bill

I'm sorry you know I tried I just cannot

have sex with you anymore if you

continue to cook that's just ridiculous

I finally find something I'm good at now

I have to give it up because you have

some kind of crazy hang up you know what

maybe maybe I've had enough sex for a

while maybe I can be happy just putting

all my passion into my cooking what are

you doing I'm smashing garlic cloves

smash another one that's not but the

recipe only calls you

now get your flu

what's for dinner you know what we had

last night scream of that delicious I

loved it last night with a fork I love

it tonight with a spoon so what you're

saying is cooking turn off smashing

garlic well kick meet up at bart well I

kind of realized the only way I can get

on board with his cooking was for him to

become the angry or may he didn't want

to be mean the man loves food so we

compromised and agreed that I'll do all

the cooking while he goes back to lying

around doing absolutely wait a minute

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I wouldn't have it any

way cuz it makes me

[Applause]

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