Oh, my God, this heat!
When is Jim gonna be done fixing the air conditioner?
Oh, soon, I hope.
Mommy, is this what hell is like?
No, honey, there's no popsicles there.
Oh, man, whew!
All right.
No worries. The AC is fixed. We're in business.
Oh! GIRLS: Yay!
Get ready to be cool.
Here we go.
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)
Oh, damn circuit breaker.
Oh, no, Jim, fix it.
God, somebody light a fire.
Maybe the flames will create a breeze.
Come on. Can't we just get a new air conditioning unit?
Yes, why don't we? And while we're at it,
why don't we get a brand new house?
Can we live by the lake?
Yes, and we'll have a butler,
and you'll ride dolphins to school.
BOTH: Yay!
All right, you know what? I'm starting to get worried.
These girls should be getting sarcasm by now.
Okay, you guys, plan B.
Let's all head over to my house.
I got a brand new AC unit, four zones. Oh.
You could hang meat in there.
Uh, plan C.
I took parts out of yours to fix mine.
And they, uh, kind of melted.
Oh!
That's funny, you know, they're not interchangeable.
Well, no harm, no foul.
No, no, no, Jim, giant, stinky foul.
I need my central air. I'm a husky guy.
I chafe.
You guys are a bunch of wimps.
In my day, air conditioning was jumping on the family car,
holding on to the luggage rack, and ducking for bridges.
Oh, that's right.
I forgot about your summer vacations with the Flintstones.
Oh, come on.
All right. I can't take it anymore.
I'm going back to my neighborhood,
where at least the guys dressed like that are in love.
(DOOR OPENS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
You do look kind of gay.
Me? Look at you!
Get out! Get out of here!
(INAUDIBLE)
JIM: [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] Oh, baby![/span]
(SNORTING)
(SIGHING)
(EXHALES)
Oh, Jim, this is ridiculous.
I haven't slept in three days.
Come on, you got to take us to a hotel or something.
(JIM WHOOPING) Jim?
(WATER SPLASHING)
(JIM EXCLAIMS)
(GASPS) No, no, no, no, no, no!
JIM: Whoo-hoo!
Jim, what are you doing?
I'm doing the backstroke.
Want to see my butterfly?
No. Get out of there. That's not our pool.
Come on, the Egans are gone for at least a week.
It's the least they can do.
We're picking up their mail.
We? I'm bringing in their mail.
The only thing you ever did for them
is hose off their house after you threw an egg at it.
I did not throw an egg at their house.
I threw it at the wind chimes
'cause those gentle tones were really pissing me off!
Lois and Dutch asked me to bring in their mail
because I have a reputation as a very reliable person.
Yes, and I am the neighborhood scamp.
Care to join me?
Come on.
The Egans never said we could use their pool.
They never said we couldn't.
Look, if they knew how hot it was,
they would've insisted that we swim.
You know what a great guy Butch is.
Dutch.
Butch, Dutch.
I don't know, those Irish names all sound alike to me.
(SIGHS)
Care to join me?
Jump in.
(GASPS) Oh.
Yeah. Refreshing, huh?
Oh. Your body will thank you,
and then I'll thank you, if you know what I'm saying.
I always know what you're saying.
Come on, we're not hurting anybody.
I don't want anything to do with this. This is wrong.
That's what makes it so right.
(GASPS)
(EXCLAIMS) That feels so cool.
You know what else feels cool?
Doing the right thing. Oh.
Which is why I'm going home and going to bed,
which is exactly what you should do.
JIM: Cheryl, telegram.
Oh!
Told you I'm the neighborhood scamp.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)
Who wants medium rare? I got medium here.
Hey, give me that, come on.
Here, come on, take it. That's it, oh!
(JIM LAUGHING)
Here you go, Joey. (TURNS OFF MUSIC)
Hey! What's with the music?
Hey, Cheryl, come on in. We got shrimp.
Hit me high, baby.
This is fun.
I feel just like a trainer at SeaWorld.
Hmm, tail.
What is going on here?
What? What do you mean? It's a pool party.
Hey, get ready to jump onto my shoulders.
We're gonna have chicken fights in minutes.
No!
No, all these people have got to get out.
Cheryl, why would you have a pool
if you weren't going to invite your friends?
Because it's not your pool.
Oh, please.
Hey, Cheryl, do the Egans get [span tts:fontStyle="italic"]Vanity Fair?[/span]
I already read their [span tts:fontStyle="italic"] InStyle.[/span]
And credit card statement.
Boy, can they suck down the hooch.
This is totally out of control.
What? Where are you getting that from?
Hey, hey, who ordered a keg?
Right here. Uh, yeah, that's the keg.
Put it over by the ping-pong table. Thanks.
Hey, you'll have a draft. You'll love it.
Here's your soda.
Wait, where'd you get those?
In the house. We crawled through the doggy door.
All right, everybody, listen up! This stops now!
(SILENCE)
(CHATTERING RESUMES)
You are too much!
Cheryl, you got to loosen up, man.
Really, don't worry about it.
We'll clean up and replace everything we use.
Hey, Cheryl, could you do my back?
Jim, that's not even the point.
I mean, what are you teaching the girls?
How are they gonna learn respect for other people's property?
Oh, will you get out?
Cheryl, the girls aren't gonna remember this.
They're kids, they're stupid.
They don't even know what I do for a living.
Yeah, come on, let them have fun.
Let us have fun.
Either come in and swim or go home.
Yeah.
BOTH: Cannonball!
(SCREAMING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Oh, come on, Commissioner Fun k*ll,
lighten up. Have some fun.
Put the badge in the drawer for the day, will you?
Look at me. I'm a movie star.
And I'm her sister, Ruby.
Wait, that's Lois Egan's mink stole.
I didn't tell them they could do that.
You didn't tell us we couldn't.
And they're not influenced by any of this, huh?
(SIGHS) All right.
I get it. Girls, go on.
Go back in the house. Put it back.
Put it back, come on. Hurry up.
Thank you.
All right, everybody, out of the pool.
Let's go. Let's go, everybody out.
(ALL MURMURING IN DISAPPOINTMENT)
Hey, how about one chicken fight
while they're in the house? No! No!
Oh, damn, degrees at : in the morning.
Oh!
Who wants a hug?
Ew!
(GROANS)
You. Back off.
You know, as soon as the kids go to school,
we can sneak off to the Egans' pool.
Nobody is going in that pool. Forget it.
Cheryl, that's the whole reason I came over here.
Well, I'm sorry.
(GASPS) Ooh, oh, oh.
Ah!
Refreshing.
And the cold cuts the funk.
Oh, that's disgusting.
Yeah, that's my shirt.
Please, it never looked this good on you.
You don't have a tenth of the bod I have.
I have exactly a tenth of the bod you have.
All right, all right.
On that note, I'm going over to water the Egans' plants.
I hope you guys cleaned up after your party.
They'll never know we were there.
Oh, yeah, the pool house toilet just backed itself up.
All right, I found the part for the air conditioner.
Hey! (WOMEN EXCLAIMING)
They put it on a boat from Thailand.
It'll be here in less than a month.
ALL: No!
Oh, gee, if only there was some alternate way
that we could cool off.
Wouldn't it be great if the answer was as close as next door?
Do you mean a rectangular answer
filled with shimmering liquid relief?
Yeah.
No, no, no, no, don't even think about it.
I don't care how hot it gets,
nobody is going in that pool.
Oh. Oh.
Well, I'm sorry, but somebody has to be the grown-up around here.
Hey, Cheryl, is it any cooler up there?
Where? On your high horse.
(LAUGHING) Very good.
Girls, did Daddy talk to you about yesterday?
Of course I did. I'm a grown-up, too.
Go ahead, tell Mommy what I taught you. Go on.
We always have to have permission
to use other people's stuff. That's right.
Even if it's really, really hot,
and they would never, ever find out.
Pretty grown-up, huh? Proud of you girls.
Okay, here, go turn on Daddy's truck
and get the air conditioner going.
Well, looks like it's time for the Andyman
to get a short-cicle.
Oh, okay, no, no, no.
(IMITATING ANDY) "Yeah, sure we cleaned everything up.
"They'll never know we were here."
Jackass.
Oh, yeah, Mama like!
JIM: All right, girls, come on.
We're gonna go to an air conditioned movie theater
because someone wouldn't let us use the P-O-O-L.
Daddy, we know that spells "pool."
And you are the smartest girl in the whole world.
Ooh, that's sarcasm, right?
Very good. I like these girls.
You sure you don't want to join us?
No, no, honey, I'd love to,
but I've got so much work to do.
So, you guys have fun. All right.
Sweat it off. I'll be here, you know, working.
(LAUGHS)
(SCATTING)
Where you going?
Oh, um...
(STUTTERING) I was just gonna put this swim stuff in the garage
'cause you know Jim. No willpower.
Garage is that way.
I know.
You need a sun hat to put swim stuff away?
Well...
And a swimsuit?
And a wax?
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Is that sunscreen?
Oh, um...
Wait a minute.
You are going over to swim at the Egans' pool.
Oh! (STUTTERS)
(SIGHS) Screw it. It's too hot to lie.
Yes, I'm going swimming because I'm the oldest,
and I can do whatever I want. Happy?
No, Cheryl, no, I'm not happy.
Not happy about the example
you're setting for our nieces and nephew.
They deserve better.
All right, well, you can stand there in sweaty judgment of me,
or we can all go swimming.
Great!
We're wearing our swimsuits already.
And we waxed. Yeah.
Oh. But not a word to Jim.
Hey, you don't bring up the wax,
we won't bring up the swim.
Oh. Oh!
Andy, you're late again. That's three days in a row. Where you been?
Oh, here and there.
What you been doing?
Oh, this and that.
(SNIFFING)
What's that funny smell?
Jim, it's degrees outside.
And my funny smells are just beginning.
What's with your eyes?
Uh, nothing.
Baby blue, just... Just like always.
No, no, no.
No, no, no, they're all bloodshot.
You've been late for three days. What's going on here?
All right, Jim, you were gonna find out sooner or later.
I've been drinking my breakfast.
No, that doesn't smell like alcohol.
Smells like...
(SNIFFING) Chlorine.
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty bad, Jim.
Uh, I... I've been drinking chlorine.
Friend of mine, he turned me on to it.
You know, you can't stop once you...
Andy.
Fine, I've been swimming down at the Egans' pool.
Alone?
No, no, but it... It's not my fault, Jim.
Somebody made me do it.
She threatened me not to tell.
It's one of my sisters, and you're sleeping with her.
Cheryl?
Why was that a question?
JIM: Honey, I'm home.
(GASPING)
Hey. Hey.
Well, what are you doing here?
You're supposed to be at work.
I know, I just kind of wanted to hang out at home
and be with you. Oh!
Just you and me together all day.
All day? Mmm-hmm.
Well, won't that be fun?
Uh-huh.
Wait!
That's not man's work.
You know what would make this day extra special?
Hmm?
If you went and picked up lunch at Stevie B's.
Stevie B's ribs?
Oh, you know how I like all-meat meals.
All right. But you know what?
Stevie B's is all the way across town.
It's gonna take me at least an hour
to go there and come back.
I'm good with that.
Oh, well...
I mean... I mean, honey,
every second away from you is an eternity.
But a special lunch like that
would certainly deserve a special dessert,
if you know what I'm saying.
I always know what you're saying.
Sex, right?
Okay.
Yes! To Stevie B's!
(GASPING)
Cheryl? Oh!
Oh, I'm sorry, honey, I didn't mean to scare you.
No, no.
I... I just forgot to ask you,
do you want spicy or mild barbecue sauce on your ribs?
Oh, I don't care. You know, whatever takes longer.
I got you.
Oh, what are you looking for?
Oh, nothing.
Nothing, huh? Are you sure?
Mmm-hmm. Hmm.
You think it could be this?
No.
Jim, Jim, it's not funny.
It's funny to me.
But, of course, I'm not the grown-up here.
Are you through?
Everything except for my evil laugh.
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
Jim, you're burning daylight!
The Egans are gonna be home tonight.
Come on, I just need one more swim.
One more swim? Just one more.
Just one more swim?
And then what? Another pool and then another?
When's it gonna end, Cheryl?
Tell me. Admit it, you're out of control.
Oh, my God, Jim, you're right.
You're right.
I don't deserve you.
(SNIFFLES)
Would you hold me?
Come here, baby.
(CRYING) Ha!
I'm going over there,
and there's nothing you can do to stop me!
All right.
I mean it!
Fine, go ahead. Have fun.
I will! Go on.
Oh, man.
(SIGHS)
If you're okay with this, it must be really bad.
(LAUGHS)
Jim, what am I doing?
I... I can't stop going to that pool.
I am out of control.
Oh, come on, Cheryl. Jim...
I m*rder*d a floaty froggy
and hid the body in the dishwasher.
You are out of control, and you want to know why?
'Cause I'm awful? Yes.
You are awful at being bad.
You're too perfect.
Look, you've got to be a little bad once in a while.
Look what it did for me. I mean, look at me.
Look how much younger I look than my age.
Jim, we can't just tell the kids,
"It's okay to be a little bad once in a while."
Of course not. Right.
We don't tell them anything.
That's the great thing about being parents.
You can do whatever you want
as long as you got a good cover story.
That's not in any of the books I read.
Of course not. You read those parent books.
Did you take the day off just to bust me?
I took the day off
so I could go swimming with my bad, bad wife.
I am gonna go get my trunks.
Oh, no, you don't.
Bad boys don't wear trunks...
If you know what I'm saying.
Of course I do.
Naked, right?
Yes, Jim. Oh, yeah!
(GROWLS) (LAUGHS)
I'm a love shark, and I see a sexy surfer.
I hope he doesn't get me.
Oh, I'll get you.
Come here, come here.
I got you.
Lois.
Butch.
Dutch. Dutch.
So, how was the trip?