Daddy?
Yes, my son?
What color is God?
Blue.
That's why America put the blue in the flag.
What are you drawing?
A picture of me and God playing soccer.
Oh, that's cute, honey.
But God doesn't play soccer. He plays football.
Who's that?
That's God's best friend Mike Ditka.
JIM: Oh, baby!
All right, kids,
you get whatever costume you want. Go on.
ALL: Yay!
Under three dollars. Jim...
You can't get a costume for three dollars.
Oh, what are you talking about?
Here, look at this.
I'm a sheriff! Look at my shiny tin star.
Oh! And it only cost me...
Five bucks? See?
Yeah, well, not if it's broken.
Give me that!
Oh, Jim, look, an electronic talking Gollum head.
We must haves it! We must haves it!
Come on, you're creeping me out. Stop it.
Why does it hurts us?
Stop it!
Oh, I hate this. I never know what to wear.
Dana, do we really have to do this?
What?
It's Halloween. You don't have a boyfriend.
You know you're gonna show the goods.
What?
Yeah, yeah, you're thinking French maid, go-go dancer, or cheerleader.
It's Catwoman. Mmm-hmm.
I wore it in the shower, and now it fits purrfect.
What did Mom do to you?
JIM: Hey, Cheryl, check it out.
I got a giant ass.
(FAKE LAUGHS) Then again, who am I to talk?
I don't know, Andy. Should we be two guys with giant asses?
I don't know, Jim. It's almost too clever.
Yeah.
We need something that rocks.
Hey, I got it. Why don't we go as Kiss?
Yeah, I'll be Gene Simmons, and you'll be Paul Stanley.
Liking it... No, loving it.
Yes, yes. I'll do the tongue thing
and I'll blow fire and I'll spit blood.
What do I do?
You throw a sock in your pants
and enjoy being the second most popular guy in the band.
BOTH: Sweet.
Daddy, look at our costumes. I'm gonna be a cowgirl.
Wow, look at that. And on sale.
Wow.
I am going to be Lady Liberty.
Look at you. Oh...
I'm Cinderella.
Cheryl,
I'll be at the bar.
What bar? Any bar.
Here. I can't really enjoy this now.
Is Daddy gonna be okay?
Yes, honey.
Yeah, he didn't talk the whole way home,
even when that lady showed him the bad finger.
I told you, she was just waving.
She thinks Daddy's name is Richard,
because she kept calling him...
Okay! Who wants a snack, huh?
I think Mama may have left some cookies in the kitchen.
All right, you guys, remember, just take one.
Thank you.
Okay, Jim.
Jim. Mmm-mmm. Mmm-mmm.
Don't worry about it. It's a Halloween costume.
It's a dress.
And I can't believe that I stood there and watched you buy a dress
for my only son!
Well, technically, you were on time-out in the car at that point.
Honey, we told him, get whatever costume you want.
Why Cinderella?
He has two sisters. He watches that video with them.
The video.
What are you doing?
No more tapes. Tapes make girls.
Oh!
Look at this. Free To Be...You And Me.
Not anymore.
Jim...
Here. Cinderella.
I can't believe you keep this garbage in the house
while you make me hide my tapes in the upstairs closet.
Yeah, Jim, we're all really fooled by that big box marked "Tax returns."
Well, I'm throwing them out.
What? No, no, the girls love this.
That's my point, Cheryl. The girls. Exactly.
My boy hangs out with all the girls.
You, Ruby, the little one... Gracie.
Gracie!
You girls are very cliquish.
In order to feel like he's in the in crowd,
he's gotta put on a dress!
Oh! Would you rather he picked a violent costume
like a k*ller ninja or a soldier with a machine g*n?
I would be very proud of my son
if he were to honor our brave men in uniform
or the k*ller ninjas!
Oh, okay, you know what?
You know what? I get it. I get it.
You're worried that if he puts on a dress, he's gonna turn out to be gay.
No, Cheryl. Yeah.
Wrong, Cheryl. Yeah, well...
If he turns out to be gay,
there's nothing I can do about it.
But I can still raise him to be a man,
and men don't wear dresses!
Oh, come on.
You know, Dana and I put Andy in girl's clothes all the time, and he turned out...
Anyway, it's not a big deal.
Cheryl... (KIDS SCREAMING)
Hey, hey, hey! Okay, okay, hey, hey, hey! Kyle!
Come on, honey, you know you have to play nice, right?
No monsters, no chasing.
Yes, Mommy.
Okay. No, no, no, no, no.
Don't listen to her.
You listen to me, okay?
You, you hunt those girls down, okay?
You catch those girls,
and you stick boogers all over their face!
You understand me?
That a boy. Go get 'em!
(ROARING)
And sometimes they hide in the dryer.
Oh.
Okay.
I finally see what the problem is.
You?
Yes, you.
Cheryl, come on, you're not letting the boy be a boy.
You tell him, "Kyle, no yelling.
"Kyle, no running.
"Kyle, watch Oprah with me. It's about diets."
Oh!
Yes. What are you talking about?
Just 'cause I don't want him to terrorize his sisters?
Cheryl, that's what boys do.
And when they grow up, they play sports,
and they hit each other for fun
and throw big things off the roof for no reason at all.
Is that what happened to that watermelon?
No, Cheryl, we blew that up with illegal fireworks.
What?
Why? Because we're men.
And we had illegal fireworks.
Yeah, honey, you're an excellent male role model.
I can't believe I didn't pick up on what you've been doing.
What?
You let these little girls paint his toenails.
You ask him to bake cookies with you.
He loves that!
What do you mean... (GASPS) I even got him his own little apron.
It's so cute.
Cheryl, that is not cute! Yes, it is.
No, that is sick!
Cheryl, you have one job as a mother.
Keep the girls off the pole and the boy out of a dress.
Is that so hard?
Now I'm gonna go upstairs, drink,
and go over some tax returns.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
KIDS: Trick or treat.
Wow, what do we have here?
A soldier, a monkey, and...
Warren G. Harding.
I presided over the Teapot Dome Scandal.
Well, I hope you don't veto my lollipop.
All right, why don't you guys put this on the porch, 'cause we're gonna go out,
so we're gonna use the honor system.
Yeah, the honor system.
That always works.
Excuse me. Hi.
Me-ow!
Yeah, kid, like I'm dating -year-olds these days.
I have an older brother.
How old? Never mind. Just b*at it, kid.
So, what do you think? I'm a little worried it's kinda too...
Slutty?
I was gonna say shiny, but okay.
Oh, you guys look so adorable.
We should take some pictures.
Yeah, we already did.
Oh.
Okay, great, well, I guess I'll just remember how I look in this.
Okay, I'm gonna go use the litter box before we go.
Hey, ooh. Whoa! Yes!
Wow, look at you.
Remind me later to turn my head and cough.
Oh, hey, come on in, come on in.
(IMITATING FANFARE) Aw.
JIM: Look at that, huh?
Isn't it nice? Yes.
We all went to the store,
and obviously, under a man's tutelage,
Kyle picked a great costume.
Not cheap, by the way.
Hey, show her what a T. rex does.
(ROARS)
The kid.
(ROARS)
Oh, wow! That a boy!
And how about this?
On the way home he let one rip,
and he yelled, "Fire in the hole!"
I think we're back on track.
Wow, yeah, but, honey, why did you get him a girl T. rex costume?
I'm kidding!
Cheryl, nobody likes a funny nurse.
Well, honey, you look great.
And if he's happy, I'm happy. Come on, girls.
Honey, I'm taking them to their school party,
so we're meeting in front of the Miller's in an hour.
Hour. Right?
Okay, Miller. All right, Dana, let's go.
Coming!
Is it me, or am I looking extra hot tonight?
You're gonna turn some heads, honey.
Come on, young man, let's go.
Hello, Chicago!
Are you ready to rock and roll all night? Whoo!
Are you all right?
You all right?
Yeah.
Fix your sock, would you?
Oh. Thanks.
Ah, man.
I used two cans of talcum powder to fit in these pants.
Yeah. I know how you feel.
These are really tight, too.
If I spot a dollar on the ground, bend over to get it, all hell's gonna break loose.
Come on, my little T. rex, let's go trick-or-treating!
Hee hee! Halloween, baby! Yeah!
We're gonna rock and roll all night and part of every day.
Did you say "part of every day"?
Yeah, those are the lyrics.
"Rock and roll all night and part of every day."
So you're telling me Kiss
sets aside part of every day
not to rock and roll?
Kyle,
(STAMMERING) where's the dinosaur outfit?
I want to be Cinderella.
Ooh... No, no, Kyle, no, you can't be Cinderella.
Don't you remember I went to the store and bought you a dinosaur outfit
because that's what you wanted when we could have gotten a perfectly fine zombie mask
for half the price?
I like Cinderella.
What do you mean, you like Cinderella?
Cinderella doesn't spit fire.
Cinderella doesn't eat Tokyo.
Actually, that's Godzilla.
Andy...
Kyle, Daddy would prefer it if you went upstairs
and put your dinosaur outfit on.
Cinderella!
Cinderella is a girl!
Cinderella! Cinderella! Cinderella!
All right, now you either go upstairs and put your dinosaur outfit on
and we can go trick-or-treating,
or you stay in that dress and we stay home. Your choice.
Stay home.
(PROTESTING)
Fine.
You want to play that game, I can play.
I'm a player!
Oh, come on, guys.
I painted my chest hair black and shoved Jim's socks down my pants.
If I don't end the night with a pillowcase full of candy, someone's gonna freakin' pay!
(PLAYING BLUES ON PIANO)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
I got it. Don't get up.
At least someone's trick-or-treating tonight.
Oh, Star Wars, huh?
Yeah.
First of all, you're a Jedi with a red lightsaber,
which was only used by the dark side.
Secondly, that's a Mace Windu tunic
with Anakin's signature brown trousers.
You're a fraud.
These are not the candies you're looking for.
Move along.
Come on, you guys, I don't want to stay here all night.
This body was built by candy, and they're giving it away out there.
All right, that's it.
You go upstairs right now, and you put that dinosaur outfit on.
No.
You like candy?
Mmm-hmm.
What kind do you like?
Chocolate.
Kyle!
You know, I did not know that.
You know, this neighborhood is lousy with chocolate.
Oh, yeah, yeah, Kyle. The Egans next door?
They have a swimming pool full of chocolate.
And their Jacuzzi is full of marshmallows.
You're a liar!
You're a liar! Andy!
Fine. You know what? I don't need to stay here.
He's not my kid.
I'm gonna go trick-or-treating on my own.
Actually, without the kid I'm just a creepy old guy with a sock in my pants.
All right, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this,
but I'm gonna have to call the Halloween police.
That's right, Kyle.
What you're doing is illegal.
And they're not gonna arrest you.
No, they're gonna come and take Daddy away.
Is that what you want?
I want to be Cinderella!
All right! That's it. I need a break. You want a beer?
Nah, drinking makes me sweat, and the talcum powder in these pants is gonna cake up.
See if you can get Cinderella to take that dress off.
If I do, it'll be the first time I ever got anyone out of a dress.
Kyle!
So, this is how you turn out?
Yep. I never take the dress off again, I have no confidence with women,
everybody hates me.
I knew it!
Dad, I'm kidding.
I'm four. Why are you getting so bent out of shape?
Because you're a boy, and boys don't wear dresses.
Mom says it's okay.
Yeah, let me tell you something about your mom.
Okay, I mean, your mom is a wonderful woman,
and I really love her, but she is a woman.
And women sometimes send some crazy messages.
Like "Your sleeve is not a Kleenex."
Exactly!
I'm damn lucky you're here to set me straight.
I know! That's what I've been telling your mother!
Well, you know, I'm a figment of your imagination, so it makes sense that we'd agree.
Touche, self.
Look, Kyle,
I've got one job as a father, and that's to make you a man.
And I don't want to see you get pushed around.
I won't.
But if you put on a dress, they're gonna push you around a lot.
I know.
Yeah, but are you strong enough to push back?
I mean, it's pretty scary out there.
Well, I've been scared before.
When?
Well, one night when I was two, I thought you might eat me.
Well, keep your fingers off my plate, and you won't have to worry.
How do I know you're gonna be strong enough?
Well,
I'm out there on that couch right now standing up to you,
aren't I?
Well, that's true.
So can we go trick-or-treating?
I don't know, Kyle. It's gonna be so brutal out there.
Yeah, but you're my dad.
You got my back, right?
Yeah.
Right.
Right.
KIDS: Trick or treat!
(LAUGHTER)
What?
What, you've never seen Cinderella and his ugly stepsisters before?
Walk proud, men.
We are as God made us. Walk proud.
Damn heels.
All right, girls, go ahead.
Hey, don't forget to say "Thank you."
Hey, Dad, there she is.
"Me-ow" is right.
Good call, Son.
I haven't been fixed yet.
Ooh, wow, this is...
They are something.
They're winning this year.
Oh, yeah, for sure.
Hey, sailor, watch where you're grabbing!
You know, that's the third time you've been groped tonight.
Jealous?
Oh, my God.
You went from Kiss to Cher.
Well, look, if my son is gonna put on a dress,
I gotta have his back.
Hey, I like that color. It's slimming.
I like your outfit, too. I guess skank was on back order.
That's funny. So when are you due?
All right, bring it.
JIM: Hey, hey, hey, come on, come on!
Hey, do you mind taking this one?
Come on, Kyle.
MAN: Hey, nice rack.
BOTH: Thank you.
So...
What happened to the dinosaur?
Well, he changed his mind.
Come on, he's four years old.
Will you just let it go, Cheryl?
(CHUCKLES) So you're okay with it?
Well, I wouldn't have put a bra on if I wasn't okay with it.
I don't know if I ever told you,
but you make a beautiful bride.
Oh, yeah?
And a hell of a father.
(LAUGHS) You make a hot nurse.
Oh, honey, I don't think I can flirt with you.
You're wearing my Great Aunt Bertha's wedding dress.
I'm not wearing underwear.
You're not wearing underwear but you're wearing a bra?
Makes me feel pretty.
Huh.
MAN: Hey, nice rack.
Hey!
Thank you.
No.
Thank you.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
Yours.
Knitting.
Reading.
(STAMMERS) Can I help you?
Yeah! We're, like, your daughters, Gracie and Ruby.
No!
Except we're all grown up now.
No!
Bye, Daddy. We gotta go dance on poles
while men throw money at us!
Nooo! (ECHOING)
No, no! No!
What?
No more dance lessons for the girls.
Jim, chili dogs give you stripper dreams.