Well, I think that was the first family gathering where I didn't see great Uncle Ray
with a drink in his hand.
Well, it was a closed casket.
I can't believe that Uncle Ray is dead.
He was so full of life.
Too full of life, Mom.
A -year-old should not be playing with a nail g*n.
Especially with a drink in his other hand.
Hey, Maggie, I'm so sorry your Uncle Ray passed away.
I mean, that's the only reason we got to see you, huh?
Well, on the positive side,
I got a great deal on the bereavement fare.
Oh, good for you.
Hey, if we're lucky, maybe someone will kick around Christmas,
and you can come back and see the kids.
I can't believe you!
There is nothing wrong with taking home a funeral arrangement.
Flowers are for the living, Dana.
Well, what about the deli platter?
Salami's also for the living, Dana.
You know, I got to tell you, this funeral business is a racket.
I mean, this one cost $ , .
Cheryl, listen, when I die, I don't want you to be afraid
to go around and get a good price.
Don't be afraid to haggle. And remember...
I know, I know.
Cell phone in the coffin just in case. Yes.
Well, Jim, thank heavens when your time comes,
the arrangements will already be taken care of.
What are you talking about, Maggie?
We've had a family plot for years.
See, you are gonna be right next to Cheryl.
Dana will be next to her husband, God willing,
and Andy will be next to...
His special friend.
Mom, I'm not gay.
How many times do I have to tell you that?
Just once on your wedding day. To a woman!
Cheryl, isn't it enough that I have to spend
every day eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner
with your family?
Now I got to spend eternity with them?
You do know we're still in the room?
You're always in the room. That's my point.
Oh, I don't want to talk about death anymore. It's too depressing.
Can we talk about how Mom thinks Andy's gay?
You hide one Broadway cast album under your bed, they never let it go.
Jim, I just don't get what the big deal is.
I thought you liked my mom.
I love your mother. She's the greatest.
But this is not about her. This is about our family.
This is about, why shouldn't we have a family plot?
Look, I don't want to be a branch on someone else's tree.
I want to be the trunk.
Jim, have you seen yourself? You're almost all trunk.
Honey, it's the family plot.
I just always assumed we'd all be buried there together.
Honey, it's really important to my mom. Important to your mom?
Honey, what about me what's important to me, your husband?
You know, you got to make a decision.
Are you a wife and a mother first,
or are you some lady's daughter?
Why can't I be both?
Cheryl, because you can't be with everybody.
This isn't Costa Rica where we live in a big hut and eat bananas.
That is offensive to my family. And Costa Rica.
I'm just trying to tell you that I would choose you first
over my family.
Jim, we've met your family.
That's not a strong argument.
You haven't met them all.
The fun ones are in prison.
But I would still choose you over them any day.
Okay, okay, I see your point. We'll get our own plot.
I just have to talk to my mom.
(LAUGHING)
Yeah, you're gonna talk to Mom.
Yeah, why?
You're scared of her.
It's okay. We all are.
I'm thinking about going gay
just so I don't disappoint her.
I can stand up to Mom whenever I want.
I just choose my battles.
Well, choose this one.
I will. I will. I'm gonna go upstairs right now,
and I'm gonna tell that woman what's what.
That a girl!
Just as soon as I make her favorite lunch.
JIM: Oh, baby!
Zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom, zoom! (LAUGHS)
You are such a cute boy.
He looks so much older. It's like he's a different kid.
But Grandma loves you.
I love you, too, Grandma.
Oh, my sweet boy.
Because you buy me stuff.
Oh.
Boy, kids really love their new toys.
I guess once you get boobs, you have to buy your own gifts.
Grandma, I wish you were staying here instead of at Uncle Andy's.
I know. I'll stay here the next time.
So, can we come over and do a slumber party?
We'll do it Friday night.
I'm sorry, but shouldn't that question
be directed to the actual home owner?
I mean, I pay the bills, I call the sh*ts.
I lent you the down payment.
Extra pillows in the hall closet.
Okay, so Friday night it is.
And, Andy, you know you can sleep over here with Jim and Kyle.
See if I show you how to turn on the heat.
What?
It's all set then. It'll be all us girls,
including Mommy and Aunt Dana.
BOTH: Cool! Yay!
Are you free Friday night, Dana?
Am I free?
Well, thank you, Mom, for asking
and not just assuming that I have no life,
like everyone else in this house does.
: ?
I'll come at : and help you set up. Oh.
Mom, um, I need to talk to you about something.
Well, of course, honey. Come on, come on, sit down. Scoot, scoot.
Ow, ow.
You hear that, Andy?
Cheryl needs to talk to Mom.
I wonder what she needs to say so badly.
Hmm. Let's watch.
Well...
What I have to say is...
How about that lunch, huh?
Oh, honey, that was just a wonderful meal.
With fresh ingredients, it would have been perfect.
So, Cheryl, what did you want to talk to Mom about?
Well, Dana, it's kind of private.
Oh, I get it. We should go.
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but before we do,
we just want to take this opportunity to say
thank you, Mother.
Thank you for making us a part of the burial plot.
You have cared for us from cradle to grave.
And beyond.
Get out! Okay!
I have a feeling in a minute
the gay son's not gonna look so bad.
Mom, what I want to tell you is, um,
how happy we are that you're here,
'cause it's so important to spend time together
when you're, you know, living.
Because you just never know where you're gonna end up
when you're dead.
I do. We'll all end up together in the family burial plot.
Um, interesting you bring that up.
Jim and I don't want to be buried in your plot.
You want some lemonade? Of course you do. I'll go get it.
What did you just say?
About the lemonade, or...
No, about the plot, the family burial plot.
Oh. You are not gonna let that go, are you?
Um, well, Mom, Jim and I were thinking about
maybe, um, you know, sort of maybe getting our own plot.
No, no, no! No!
We're not thinking about it.
We are doing it!
If that's okay.
Well, I suppose if that's what you want,
I certainly can respect your wishes.
Really? Yes, yes.
Oh, Mom! Oh, my God!
Oh, I thought you were gonna lay some sort of guilt trip on me.
Oh, no! For heaven's sakes, not at all.
I mean, just because I love you and raised you
and suffered through hours of labor with you, you know.
Besides, you know, it really is for the best.
I mean, I have been alone since your father d*ed,
and I don't know if I could really adjust
to all my loved ones being around me now anyhow.
Aw, Mom...
No, no, no, no!
I am a wife and a mother first and a daughter second,
and Jim and I are getting our own plot. End of story.
Okay, I guess you've made your decision.
Thank you.
Like when I decided to go to work
so you could go to private school.
I'm gonna get you that lemonade.
Remember, I only care for the pink kind.
You will get whatever we have.
Which is pink.
So, this is all yours, huh?
Yep.
Nice, huh?
Yeah, if you don't think about the decomposing bodies beneath our feet.
Can we get out of here? No. Sit down.
Come on. I paid this much for a burial plot,
I want to use the property as much as possible.
Ruby and Gracie, they're gonna be married here.
So, from now on, we're spending
our lunch hours in a graveyard?
Just till the first snow.
Oh, you.
I will say, sitting here does put things into perspective.
Yeah. Life's precious, huh?
Cheesecake?
In a minute.
I'm gonna let the corn dog settle first.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's get that corn dog moving a little bit.
Come on, go long. Go on. Go long.
Longer.
Longer. All right, to the left.
Left. To the right. By the angel, by the angel.
Throw the damn ball!
Come on, button hook, button hook!
ANDY: Nice throw, Shirley.
Well, you were running all over the place.
Oh, my God.
Jim, get over here right now. What?
Come here. Hurry.
I'm hurrying.
JIM: Wow. Yeah.
Bronko Nagurski.
We're standing on the grave of the greatest football player of all time.
Oh, my God.
(HUMMING NFL FILMS THEME TUNE)
Bronko Nagurski.
Took the Bears to two national championships,
and .
Unstoppable on offense, impassable on defense.
Andy, we are standing on holy ground.
Hey, look, the plot next to it's empty.
Andy?
Are you thinking what I'm thinking?
That we steal the tombstone? What?
It looks heavy. I think we'll need the truck.
No, no, no, no, Andy, stop that. Now, stop that.
We're not doing that! Stop it! Stop it!
No. That's not what I'm talking about.
Don't you see? When I threw the ball to you,
Bronko intercepted it and dropped it right here in front of his gravestone.
No, he didn't. It was a girly throw.
It's a sign, Andy. It's a sign.
I have to be buried right here.
Jim, what are you talking about?
I'm talking about trading my space next to Cheryl
for this one right here. I'm gonna be buried right here!
Really?
Yeah.
Andy, this is my field of dreams.
Yes.
This is God's reward for being a devoted Bears fan
all my life.
Jim, I don't think Cheryl's gonna be okay with this.
Ahh. She won't know about it till I'm dead.
We all know I'm going way before her.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. So, you're just gonna die
and leave me alone with all these women?
I said I'm gonna go before Cheryl, not before you.
Whew. Thanks, buddy. That means a lot.
That gets me right there in the old ticker.
Of course, that might be the eight corn dogs.
Run it off. Yeah?
Yeah, go. Go long.
That's it. A little longer. Too far, too far.
By the stone there. All right. To the right, to the right.
CHERYL: Just think
in the years to come, this tree will provide
shade when my grandchildren come to pay their respects.
Hey, wouldn't it be dramatic if you d*ed in the autumn
when the leaves were at their peak colors?
That would be so cool.
So, which are your plots?
Well, I'm here, and Jim's here.
Oh, 'cause that's how you sleep in bed. I get it. Very cute.
No, no, in bed he's on my right
'cause it's farthest from the window
where the tree moves and looks like a man with an axe.
Hmm. So, that's Jim's plot? Yeah.
Oh!
What? Cheryl, it's only disrespectful if he's already dead.
Dana! Come on, try it. It's fun.
No.
Oh, for God's sake. What?
Who'd eat a cheesecake in a cemetery?
Oh, and there's teeth marks in the wax paper.
Ew. Pigs.
Hey, what are you doing?
Got a funeral here tomorrow. Got to start digging.
Oh, no. No, that's where my husband's gonna be buried.
Oh. I'm very sorry for your loss.
So, uh, how long do you plan to wait before you start dating?
He's not dead. There's been a mistake.
Are you sure? When's the last time you saw him?
He's not dead!
Well, it says here this plot was sold yesterday
when its owner traded it for a different location.
Traded it?
Strange, huh?
Not in my world.
How about you? Hmm?
Are you single?
You're a gravedigger.
And you asked me second.
This is really good, Ruby.
Hey, just make sure on this branch of the family tree
that you leave a lot of room under my name for my future kids.
Just do it!
Hey! Hey!
What are you guys doing here?
I thought it was girls night out.
That I'm hosting but not invited to.
It is. Mom's taking a nap.
We're going over in a few minutes.
Yeah, we're doing a family tree,
'cause, you know, since the funeral
the girls wanted to know who they're related to.
Oh.
Look, there's Grandma Maggie and Grandpa Gordon.
And next to Mommy there's Aunt Dana and Uncle Andy.
Oh, isn't it so cute?
Honey, show Daddy where he is.
Mommy put you way over here...
Next to Bronko Nagurski.
This can't be a coincidence.
You know something.
Okay, girls, let's get ready for your sleepover.
Daddy's bright idea's about to hit the fan.
If you guys fight, I want you to do it
before you come over to my place.
I don't want you wrecking all my new Versace china.
Okay, I see where the gay thing's coming from.
Hi. Did you think I wouldn't find out?
Of course I didn't think you would find out.
That's why I do these things.
You wanted me to stand up to my mother
so we could have our own plot,
and now you're not even gonna be buried next to me?
Cheryl, Cheryl, it was part of God's divine plan.
You see, I threw the football,
and it dropped right in front of Bronko's grave.
It's a sign, don't you see?
Oh, God, I'm sure it was just a girly throw.
Cheryl!
What was all that stuff about me being a wife and mother first?
What about you being a husband and a father?
I still am a husband and a father.
It just so happens that I'm being buried
next to a really cool guy.
Honey, you're gonna be first and away.
I don't believe you.
Cheryl, Bronko is my hero.
You know what? Why don't we find out
where Betty Crocker's buried, all right?
And then we'll get the slot next to her for you!
Betty Crocker?
Yeah! It's a great deal. She's the one that made all the cakes
and sewed the first flag.
It'll be really cool for you.
We're ready for our sleepover, Mommy!
I will too have a lot of kids,
and they're gonna be a lot cuter than you!
Well, Jim, I hope you're happy
spending the afterlife next to your precious
Bruno Nagonki.
Cheryl, Cheryl, please wait.
It's Bronko Nagurski.
(SIGHS)
Hey, Mac.
Bronko? Yep.
Oh, Bronko.
I got a million questions for you.
Hey, is it really true that you had to take on
a real job in the off season?
How many bones did you break?
Hey, what's with the leather helmet?
Come on, your head must have stunk
by the end of a game, huh?
Hey, Jim, relax.
We got a lot of time to talk.
Yeah. Yeah.
You're right.
Oh, man.
I'm just so excited.
I can't wait to tell Cheryl
I got to talk to Bronko Nagurski!
Cheryl? What are you talking about?
It's just you and me, buddy.
Forever.
Yeah.
Forever's a long time.
Yep.
That's why they call it forever.
(SIGHS)
Cheryl! What?
Wake up. Wake up. Is Kyle okay?
Yeah, no, no, Kyle's fine.
He's with Andy.
(SIGHS)
It's me.
I can't sleep.
That's it. Tomorrow we're cutting down that creepy tree.
It's not the tree.
What is it?
I've been thinking that maybe perhaps possibly
I might have misinterpreted that sign.
You mean the one where God told you to screw me over? Yeah.
Yeah, that's the one.
You know, I woke up and you weren't next to me,
and I started thinking that...
I don't know, what if you weren't next to me, like, forever?
We're supposed to be together.
I want to be traded back to the home team.
Oh, honey.
There's just one problem. What?
You sold your plot, so now I'm spending eternity
next to Mavis Sutcliffe Eldridge.
Yeah, that is a problem.
Well,
what if we just sell our plots
and get your mom's family plot?
But, honey, I made such a big deal about it.
What am I supposed to do?
I don't know, just wait for the right time,
and then bring it up.
(GASPS) Oh! What?
Maggie. You're awake.
Ha.
Cheryl wanted to talk to you.
Oh. What's wrong, sweetheart?
Well, Mom, we want to be buried in the family plot
with you, and that's the way it's gonna be, end of story.
All right, honey. Good night.
Ha!
I know she got exactly what she wanted, but I did it on my terms.
Come on, get in here and keep me warm. It's freezing in this house.
I know. It's like the heat's not even turned on.
I know.
Well, this is sweet. Mmm.
You know what? As long as I'm next to you,
I don't care who else is around.
Do you think in the afterlife
you could be a little more quiet?
Cheryl. Cheryl!
We got to switch places right away.
(STAMMERING) I got to switch places with you.
There's a man with an axe in the window.
Shh! No, not again, honey.
It's a tree. Go to sleep.
Oh.
Like this, Uncle Andy?
Ah, that's great, buddy.
Have a party at my house and not invite me. Ha!
Sweet dreams, ladies. (CHUCKLES)
I really need help.