[jazz music playing]
So, to begin with, we both love romantic comedies--
-This is actually how we met. -Let me tell it.
-Okay. -I was watching Must Love Dogs--
-Oh, Diane Lane. -Diane Lane.
Diane... Lane.
There's a scene where she comes down for her date with John Cus--
-Oh, I love that scene. -Yes, she's in this spaghetti strap dress.
-Ooh-la-la. -I look over next to me,
-and who's sitting there-- -This guy!
He was a dog.
-I really thought he was a large dog. -Woof, woof!
So anyway, he suggests we double down
-and watch Nights in Rodanthe-- -No!
-It wasn't Nights in Rodanthe. -Yes, it was.
-It was Under the Tuscan Sun. Yes. -Ugh, as much as I hate to say it,
-he's right. [chuckles] -He hates when I'm right. He hates it.
-I hate it. -Like, when I'm like,
"Let's jerk off in the shower."
Well, it rattles me, you know? You're so... often wrong.
-But when I'm right... -When you're right, you're right!
So Diane's life had come to a standstill--
Right, she needs to find herself in Italy.
Okay, and this whole family sees her on a balcony,
-and she's in her bra. -And we paused it,
and I did what I did,
-and, uh-- -Yeah, the rest is history.
Wow, that was over 18 months ago.
-Feels like I've known you a lifetime. -Yeah.
-Diane Lane. -Diane Lane.
-Is any of this usable? -[both chuckling]
[light jazz music playing]
-[birds tweeting] -[purring and snoring]
-[sighs, purrs] -[whimpers]
I am your new Hormone Monster.
-[moans] -[slapping]
-[sighs] Okay, just gonna... -[purrs softly]
[groans, inhales sharply]
[groans] Why do my nipples hurt so much?
[Connie moans]
Happy Valentime's Day, my little baby Bunsen burner.
-Oh, hey, happy Valentine's Day. -[chuckles]
-I was just, um-- -Sneaking out?
No, I wasn't sneaking out, I just-- You know, late for school, but--
Hey, do you know what's going on with my nipples?
Oh, yeah, they're gonna get all tender and swolled up like a Butterball turkey.
And do you know if this is, like, normal for boys?
-Absolutely. I think so. -What?
-Maybe. -Hold on,
am I the first boy to ever have a lady hormone monster?
-Pssh, no! Course not. -Oh, good.
-You just happen to be my first boy. -What?
-I'm the first boy you've ever had? -They like me with girls, mostly.
I don't think I'm a girl, am I?
-No, you definitely got a penis. -Right, I'm a boy.
-Or a girl, with a penis. -You know what? I really just gotta go.
-All right, you run along, baby. -[door shuts]
I'll be here farting up in your bed.
-[saxophone riff plays] -[sniffs]
Mmm, that smells like raw honey.
Sorry, forgot my-- Oh, my God! What is that?
-[sniffs] You like that? -No!
That came from the front.
Okay... all right.
What do you think of my valentine for Missy?
-Okay, let me... -Will you put your glasses on?
I don't need 'em. I don't need glasses.
Okay, let me see... "Your move, mama."
-Right? -Interesting.
Remember, I saw on your computer that she still has a thing for me.
So you're telling her to make the next move,
even though you've made no move?
Exactly. I always blow it on Valentine's Day
because I try too hard. But this year? [chuckles]
I'm flipping the script, daddio.
-A red Kangol hat? -Burgundy.
[exhales] Andrew, I'm gonna be honest with you.
You look...
insanely good.
-Like Billy Crystal at a Clippers game. -That's exactly what I was going for!
[both] Women love Billy Crystal!
[women moaning]
[Shannon] Dina!
-[thudding on wall] -[Shannon] Oh, Dina!
You understand! You understand!
Your dad did not understand.
[Shannon] Happy Valentine's Day!
Ugh. Valentine's Day sucks!
Is this trying too hard?
I got it at Topman, yet it screams bottom.
Top, bottom. These are old paradigms, man.
-You look like a hot hunk of cheese. -Ah, f*ck it.
I'm the only out kid in the whole school.
There's nobody for me to give a valentine to.
That's why I've been pushing you to go on websites.
Going online to meet someone just feels thirsty.
Yeah, thirsty for some of that bussy.
Bussy? What is bussy?
-It's butt p*ssy. You're into that, right? -Hmm, I don't know.
That's why you gotta get online, Matt.
Oh! They talkin' 'bout butt p*ssy!
If that makes you uncomfortable, buckle up, y'all!
'Cause this is a double episode!
Double the butt p*ssy!
That's four cheeks. Spread 'em out, b*tches!
[moaning]
God, Jay, you're so good at the before-sex stuff.
Yeah, for girls and guys, bro.
Oh, yeah, I guess I'm kind of...
the ultimate f*ck machine?
-[crowd cheers] -[Suzette] Welcome back.
Jay's about to jerk and chow his way through our brutal course,
all to become the next...
[both] Ultimate f*ck Machine!
[Suzette] And here he goes.
-First up is Booby Bridge. -[panting]
And... he made it!
[Brad] Now he's gotta get past the Ding-Dong Pegs.
Rock those cocks, dude!
[Suzette] On to the Double Gazz...
[Brad] If he can just get them to cum at the same time...
[Jay grunts, babbles]
[horn blares]
-[bell dings] -Whoo!
[Suzette] Ladies and gentlemen...
[Brad] Jay Bilzerian is your...
[Suzette and Brad] Ultimate f*ck Machine!
[all moaning]
God, I love f*cking you both,
but in such different ways.
So, what are we doing for V-Day, Jacked Galifianakis?
I want a romantic dinner and a magical night of hardcore pounding.
But I wanna do a bro CrossFit workout session
and stuff that grape leaf.
How are we supposed to share you, you stinky little sex champ?
Guys, relax. I can do you both
and give each of you the perfect Valentine's Day.
Now, who should I flop my d*ck around on to dry it off?
-Me, bro, me! -No, me, Jay, me!
[gasps] Happy Valentine's Day, Nicky!
Mmm, looks like it's just gonna be the three of us for dinner tonight.
-Did you make your mother a card? -I'm on it.
-Judd, what about you? -Dad, your breath smells like p*ssy.
-It always does. -Ew, gross.
Nick, your family has no boundaries!
They're like Doctors Without Borders.
♪ If the doctors ate each other out ♪
Guys, can we just tone it down this year for Valentine's Day?
Tone it down?
Nicky, Valentine's Day, it's wonderful-- It's-- It's--
-[piano music playing] -♪ It's a day of hugs and snuggles ♪
♪ A time to spread your loving seeds ♪
♪ It's a rolling, growing pink snowball ♪
♪ Of stress that no one needs ♪
♪ It's unhealthy expectations ♪
♪ An opportunity to impress ♪
♪ It's a yearly grim reminder ♪
♪ That your life's a f*cked-up mess ♪
♪ It's a dark and lurid history ♪
♪ Of deviant pagan kicks ♪
♪ It's outrageously expensive ♪
♪ Just stay home and watch the Knicks ♪
♪ It's a big fat middle finger ♪
♪ To those who are all alone ♪
♪ Whether sick or tired or uninspired ♪
♪ You still gotta bring the bone ♪
♪ It's a clusterfuck of passions ♪
♪ An emotional tour de force ♪
♪ It's a cuddly little cupid ♪
♪ With the cock of a full-grown horse ♪
[all singing in unison] ♪ Valentine, St. Valentine ♪
♪ I gotta make it through your day ♪
♪ Of candy hearts and chocolate sharts ♪
♪ And every bullshit love cliché ♪
♪ The hard-ons and the heartaches ♪
♪ The pressure, pain, and fear ♪
♪ Valentine's Day ♪
♪ Got to survive you another year ♪
-[Nick] ♪ What does having... ♪ -♪ I can't take it ♪
♪ ...a girl hormone monster mean? ♪
♪ How long can I be a f*ck machine? ♪
-♪ I'll be cool, and she'll be droolin' ♪ -♪ Why is there never anyone for me? ♪
♪ But then what if the Knicks Aren't on TV? ♪
[all] ♪ Valentine, St. Valentine ♪
♪ Your day is f*ckin' asinine ♪
♪ But I swear by God ♪
♪ I'm gonna make it through ♪
[singing] ...through!
Andrew, and I don't mean this as a compliment,
you look like a lesbian newsie.
-Say what? You mean my Kangol hizzie? -Oh, the hats.
Why with the hats?
Guys, I happen to be playing it cool for Valentine's Day.
Oh, no, I know what you're going for, it's just the hat's awful.
-I disagree, Red. -Red?
This proper topper may not lift your skirt,
but by the end of the day,
Missy will be eating out of my cool, clammy hands.
I can already see the endgame.
Oh, wow, what a terrific thrill!
But, uh, this award really belongs to...
Andrew Glouberman, my lover, my manager,
and he's the cool cat with the Kangol hat!
Because of my success, I could have anyone,
but I still choose Andrew. He's the one.
-[loud cheers] -Please, please.
But she is correct. I did this. I did this myself.
You are a real nightmare.
It's the hat. He builds the character out from the hat.
[Jessi] Jesus!
Red roses? [scoffs]
That is so cliché.
I told you I wanted something devastating this year.
I don't know what that means. Why don't you just tell me what you want?
I want you to surprise me with something
that shows everyone I'm the most special girl in the world,
obviously.
Baby, what if I got you a Nintendo Switch and we shared it?
[loud buzzer]
[news fanfare plays]
It's Valentine's Day at Bridgeton Middle.
Who's your valentine?
If you don't have one, you're probably ugly and don't know it.
With me now is Lump Humpman.
Lump, do you know you're ugly?
My mom says my attitude is what's ugly.
Hey, guys!
Me and Gina are co-hosting a Valentine's Day fiesta
tonight at my mom's condo.
For the record, it's not my party.
You see, my mom is having a conjugal visit
with this prisoner that she's pursuing.
She's, like, ultimately, very relentless.
-Not my party. -Also!
It's a food drive for special girls whose moms left grocery money,
-but they spent it all at Sephora! -She bought eight different perfumes.
And, Nick!
You can't come because you were a little d*ck
to my chica, Gina.
-Hello. -Ugh. Hello, Nick.
[whispers] But I will leave the back door unlocked
because, like, at the end of the day, I love drama.
-Good to know. -Also, I'm, like, starving!
I've been living on perfume squirts.
Squirt, squirt! Step into it. Chomp, chomp!
[playing off-key]
Ooh, yeah! Liquid sex.
Hi, Andrew. Nice Kangol hat.
You look like-- Well, you look like my dad, actually.
-We're all lookin' for a daddy. -Hmm, no, my dad's pretty present.
-Anyway, I made this valentine for you. -Ah, that's sweet.
You're a sweet kid. Hey, hey, hey.
-Don't ever let this town change you. -Okay.
Well, anyway, in this valentine is actually a homemade tissue paper collage
of St. Valentine secretly marrying a couple--
I wish I had something for-- Uh-oh, what's that?
I don't know, looks like you threw something on the floor.
Oh. "Your move, mama"? Huh? What does that mean?
Oh, you know what it means, Mama Leone.
If that's movin' up, then I am most definitely
a-movin' out.
Hot dang! Billy Joel makes my bussy tingle.
[purrs]
Okay, uh... Lars, Caleb, these are for you.
-What? She made one for everyone? -Here you go.
There's a poem inside written by Charles, Duke of Orléans, to his wife.
Holy smokes! The first known valentine!
[both] Composed in 1415!
-Jinx. Buy me a sugar-free organic cola. -[laughs]
Oh, no! She's laughing at his joke! Quick!
Jump up and touch the doorjamb! Show her your physical prowess!
-Ow, f*ck! My coccyx! -Slink out!
-Slink out of the room! -I'm fine!
Oh, I hope this doesn't jam my stool.
-So what do I do here, just-- -Are we starting?
-...just clip this to my f*cking fur? -[sighs]
-Connie drives me crazy. -I love big and I love hard.
-I got my period-- -Oof.
Then I got cramps that were truly like a hate crime.
-Mm-hmm. -Then I threw a yogurt at my mother.
It was beautiful!
Tell him what happened, baby.
-I mean, I don't feel like that story... -Come on!
...casts me in the best light.
-Well then, I'm gonna tell'm for ya, so-- -Okay.
So, Jessi comes down for breakfast,
and Shannon says, "Now, that color looks nice on you."
-"What about the other colors then, Mom?" -Exactly!
-It's crazy. -That's why that yogurt needed
to end up on the wall!
"You like that color, Shannon? Yogurt-on-the-wall color?"
[chuckles]
-You're crazy, girl! -You're crazy!
I can't wait till you get your driver's license!
Oh, it's gonna be epic.
[grunts]
I just don't think a boy should have a lady hormone monster.
I mean, what does that even say about me?
Well, maybe you're one of those sensitive boys.
I'm not sensitive!
[grunts, inhales sharply]
-Oh, damn it! -Relax, Nipolas!
Maybe it's a good thing.
Connie can give you that female point of view.
-Huh. I never thought about that. -I wish I had a lady hormone monster.
Maybe she could help me get a Valentine's date with the ghost of Whitney Houston!
-Oh, you're into Whitney? -Absolutely.
But she's in love with the ghost of Nina Simone.
And Nina's in love with the ghost of Burt Reynolds.
-[jazz piano plays] -♪ Valentine's Day ♪
♪ A game of musical chairs ♪
♪ And there's never a chair for ol' Duke ♪
[laughing, sobbing]
So, you know, Howie Long story Martin Short,
they fired me from the school,
and now I'm "Walgreens Greeter Coach Steve."
Not to brag, but I've never been closer to su1c1de.
Where do you keep the tiny bow ties?
I need ten for my... plans.
Did you say "tiny bow ties" or "24-pack of Arizona Iced Tea"?
-I'll find them myself. -Okay, bye, Judge.
-[female voice] I love you. -I love you, too! Who-- Who said that?
-[female voice] Be mine. -Oh, a beautiful red thing.
Of course I'll be yours, always and forever.
[female voice] Happy Valentine's Day from Walgreens.
Ho-ho! I can't wait to tell my boys about this meet-cute!
And by "my boys," I mean my eyebrows.
Hey, boys! I met the woman of my dreams!
Hey, where you guys going?
Hey! Oof!
Okay, I know how you like people to think you're pretty but also nice--
-Okay. -So I... [chuckles]
...got you a rescue dog.
-[Devin scoffs] You got me a used dog? -[panting]
Is that what you think that I deserve?
I am the wrong kind of devastated! [crying]
[loud buzzer]
I think I'm allergic to my Kangol hat.
-It must have colophony in it. -What's that now?
It's a fabric adhesive. I'm acutely allergic to it.
-I break out in dermatitis. -Hey, guys!
Do you losers wanna play your sh*t music at my lit Valentine's party?
But Andrew can't come 'cause he's completely toxic!
-We'll make it work. -You're gonna play without me?
-A hundred percent. -Sorry, Andrew. The show must go on.
Hey, is it too early for me to suggest k*lling both of them?
-You know, story-wise? -Feels a little soon.
Sorry, I'm not good with story. I-- I'm more of a joke guy.
-Valentine's Day sucks. -It sucks!
But, like... [clicks tongue] Okay, here's this crazy idea.
Would it be hilarious if you and I, just, like, as a joke, went on, like,
a non-date Valentine's date?
Like a deeply ironic
anti-Valentine's Day,
non-date date?
Anti all of it!
-Dinner, dancing. -Yes.
A musical number!
Um, yeah, I don't know about the musical number, though.
-I don't have a great voice. -I got you, girl. My voice is so good...
[in harmony] ♪ It's basically a duet ♪
How the f*ck did you do that?
[in harmony] ♪ I'm so talented ♪
[laughs]
Oy vey. Why do the good ones always gotta be oy gay?
It's a man's choice to be gay, Connie. Please respect a man's right to choose.
All right.
Wait. What's that now?
[slurping]
-Jay, slow down, there, buddy. -[grunts] Can't, I'm protein loading!
-Are you, uh, eating cafeteria oysters? -I got a big night ahead of me.
I'm slurping these down
'cause I heard they make you sh**t ropes out of your dong!
-Oh, God! -Well, enjoy your meal, Jay.
-[laughing] -[Andrew scoffs]
-What a phony. -Yeah, we should kick his ass.
-You know my theory? -Huh?
-He doesn't even need the chair. -What?
I bet he uses it to seem smarter, like Stephen Hawking.
No, Andrew, I-- I think he needs the chair.
Nah, he can walk. I think he can walk just fine.
Ah, man. This is a bad road to drive down.
Go on and wish Gina a happy Valentime's Day, come on.
-Wait, did you say "Valen-time's Day"? -Yeah.
-Okay. -It's the time of the Valen.
I don't think Gina wants any part of my time. She doesn't like me.
-Oh. -So, what's the point?
The point is being a good little guy
without expecting something in return.
Huh. That's actually an interesting point of view.
Why can't you just admit that I'm good for you?
I don't know. Are you?
[clicks tongue] Oh, please! Don't you remember up in your bed?
When you tug-a-tug-tugged until you glug-a-glug-glugged?
Connie, I don't know if anything really happened.
I certainly didn't, you know, sh**t any ropes.
Oh, come on! But you did enjoy yourself, right?
Sure, it was a nice experience,
but I-- I may have embellished it a little bit for your benefit.
-What, you saying you faked it? -[Nick] Mm-hmm.
-Get out of here! I would know. -Oh, would you?
-You would know? -I would!
-Are you sure about that? -Yeah.
-Oh, my God... -[Connie] What you doing, Nick?
You're looking directly into my pupils.
-Oh, Jesus. -Okay, very cute.
-[moans] -Mm-hmm.
Oh, God, this feels so good. I'm gonna cum.
-[Connie] We get it. -I'm gonna cum! Oh, my God! Oh!
-[groans] -It's a little overdone, don't you think?
[moans in pleasure]
-No, don't f*cking touch me. Oh, God. -[Connie] Mm, mm, mm.
I'll have what he's having.
A big orgasm. That's what I'm talking about, baby.
[Matthew] "Two hearts sharing the same b*at,
two bodies sharing the same feet"?
What does that even mean?
Oh, it's for incestuous conjoined twins.
Oh, they really do have a card for everyone here.
"The only thing that could ever separate us
is a lengthy surgery that one of us may not survive,
so let's not risk it"?
Am I crazy, or is that actually sweet?
Nice haul, Jay!
You gonna drink some protein shakes in the dark?
No, no, no. I've got two dates lined up for Valentine's Day.
Brad and Suzette.
Wow, you're a real Tony Romeo.
I know. It's exhausting being the Ultimate f*ck Machine.
I may have bitten off more than I can f*ck.
Or maybe it's "I may have f*cked off more than I can chew"?
Hey, hey, hey, Jay. Watch your language in front of my new lady friend!
-Who's that now? -Jay, the child my best friend,
please meet, constructed of merchandise, my girlfriend,
-Reese's Werther's-Spoons. -[female voice] I love you.
-Wow. Hey, Steve? -Ooh, sidebar!
Do you think it's possible we're both using inanimate objects
to avoid confronting our real issues?
Hey, the only issue I care about is the border wall.
-Really? -Keep everyone in!
More friends for me!
Do you think that Missy would like this five-pound gummy bear?
Or this Mylar balloon that says,
-"For Christ's sake, please!"? -What happened to playing it cool?
That was a big mistake, and you knew that.
-So you can lose the hat now? -Oh, my dear Nicholas, I wish I could,
but my scalp has broken out in a profoundly violent rash.
-From the colophony. -God, I can hear it sizzling!
[Andrew] That's 'cause it's sizzling.
Yeah, Missy cannot see this. Ooh.
Not until I'm done bombarding her with love.
-[Nick] Oh-- -Holy sh*t!
The South Beach Diet makes cookies that help with female arousal?
Yes, please!
"To my mommy on Valentime's Day"?
What the f*ck kind of wittle-baby bullshit is this?
What? I always give my mom a Valentine's Day card.
Not anymore! I hate to break it to you, boo-boo,
but you in an Oedipal arrangement.
No, the Edible Arrangements are over there.
I'm not talking about honeydew-dew on a stick.
I'm talking 'bout you wanting to f*ck your momma,
k*ll your daddy, and gouge your eyes out!
I don't want that!
It's nice that my parents love me and that I love them!
-[grumbles] -Isn't that the way things are suppo--
[inhales sharply] Jesus Christ!
Oh! Why are my nipples so swollen?
I don't know, maybe it's 'cause you're thinkin' 'bout your mommy?
Oh, go shut--
-Whoa, sick tits, Nick! -What?
-Your shirt looks like a wedding tent. -He probably wants me to suck 'em.
The f*ck? What? No, he does not!
I know what we should do.
Flick... Nick's... nips!
-Ow! -Super soft!
-Yeah, this is fun! -Make 'em stop! Make 'em stop!
They don't need to stop!
They're having fun at his expense. That's what boys do.
Boys are assholes!
Guys, stop! Why are you being so mean to me?
-He having a really bad day! -[sobs]
Nick, we were just joking around.
Yeah, you're acting like a chick.
[crying] I am not acting like a chick!
He just a boy with breasts!
Why don't you take a minute, and we're just gonna...
Keep walking backwards while you're crying.
-What the hell, Connie? -Why-- Why are you mad at me?
I've never cried in front of my friends, and only when you show up,
all of a sudden, I'm crying in front of them!
-It's all right to cry! -No, it's not!
I thought it was normal! I do it all the time!
Now I'm humiliated, and--
and my boobs hurt!
Oh, sugar, I'm sorry! But you know what?
For the tatas?
You should try a little cold compress on your nipples
-and some aloe vera-- -No!
Leave me alone!
I was right, a-- a boy shouldn't have a girl hormone monster--
That's not true!
I've had some really shitty hormone monsters.
But you, Connie, or whatever your f*cking name is--
-It's Connie. -You're the worst!
-Fine! You're a little prick! -What?
Why don't you go and have a sexy-ass Valentime's Day
with your momma and your daddy in a f*ckin' three-way.
The extra-small little prick condoms is up in aisle 14!
-Oh, f*ck you! -No, I'm not your mom!
-I don't wanna f*ck my mom! -You wanna f*ck your mom!
And then, you wanna give your daddy a BJ!
[jazz band plays]
[yells, chuckles]
Happy Valentine's Day, Missy.
The princess of my heart-- [sneezes]
Hold on, I sneeze in threes. [sneezes]
-One more. [sneezes] -[Lars] Hey,
you might be allergic to those drug store flowers.
For your information, Lars,
I am allergic to my own hat.
Oof, Andrew, this is, uh-- this is really... a lot.
-You don't like it? -Well, it's just-- Okay, first of all,
-I can't really eat these chocolates. -She doesn't do sugar, man.
You think I don't know that, Professor X?
-[Missy] Andrew! -Missy,
I'm the one that knows things about you.
All right, just calm down.
No, I'm not gonna, 'cause this is ridiculous.
-Yeah! -I know you like me, okay?
Of course.
So why don't you know that you like me?
-Raise the stakes! -I will go down on you!
Yes, all in!
What? I don't want that!
I didn't mean it literally.
I meant, that's how devoted I am to you.
Don't you see? That's how much I like you!
Aah, Andrew! You're freaking me out!
What does she even want from you?
-What do you want, huh? You want money? -Perfect!
-No! -You want cold hard cash?
-Yeah, fling it at her! -The almighty dollar.
You think I give a sh*t about money?
-Take it! -You don't care, baby.
-Take it if that's what you want. -Just-- Just stop it!
-Missy! No, Missy! -[Missy sobs]
You cannot run from destiny!
Whoa. What happened there, cowboy?
He offered her money,
and love isn't supposed to be transactional.
-Shut the f*ck up, Caleb! -Okay.
[dog barking in distance]
Bye, Judd. We're leaving for our dinner date with Nicky!
-It's not a date! -[Diane] Then why did I shave my legs?
[Elliot] And why am I sucking on an Altoid?
-Because your breath smells like p*ssy. -[Elliot] I heard that!
And not yet!
-Ta-da! -Ah, Jay-Jay, this is so romantic!
Wait until you taste my flambé dessert.
I made it from stuff I found around the house.
You're so 40 and such a magician.
Come here, let's make your magic wand disappear.
I mean, that's not how magic works, but yeah, yeah, yeah, you kinda get it.
[moaning]
[Brad] Oh, I can't believe I'm lifting with my d*ck out.
Oh, God, I'm sorry. Can you excuse me for one moment, please?
[pants, grunts]
-Hey! -Nice activewear, bro.
-You could k*ll someone with that body. -[Jay] Yeah?
Hell, yeah.
Your natural goaty musk mixed with the metal tang of these kettlebells
is making me loony tunes.
Well, I uh, didn't shower today.
-That's my Valentine's present to you. -[sniffs]
You spoil me, bro.
Come on, buddy, let's get some reps in. I'll spot you.
[Jay grunts]
[Suzette] Whoopsie daisy! My hymen grew back!
Isn't anyone gonna come and pop it?
Uh, Brad, I need like two seconds, okay? Can you just sit tight for a second?
-Consider me clenched, bro. -Oh, boy.
-I'm tight like a wallet. -What?
I'm like a little Velcro wallet, I'm so tight.
Oh, like the one I got on vacation last year?
Yeah. Yeah, at Busch Gardens.
Okay, wait a minute, what am I doing? Uh, I gotta go.
Barbara! For the love of God, would you hurry up?!
I gotta be home by eight.
The Knicks are playing, and I wanna watch 'em lose!
-Okay, just calm down. -What do you want, huh?
You want money? You want cold hard cash? Huh?
-Come on, Barbara! -Stop it, Marty!
I will pay you to put your jacket on.
Happy Valentine's Day, sweetie.
-We'll be back in an hour! -Forty-five minutes!
-[door opens, closes] -Oh, God. Am I becoming my dad?
Check your balls. Are they gigantic like his?
-Okay, let's not-- -Because his sack,
it looks like a plastic bag of frozen turkeys
with a penis head drawn on it.
-Yes, I remember. -I see it at night when I close my eyes.
[light piano music playing]
[both chuckle]
What can I get for you lovely ladies this evening?
Yes, I'd like a female-prepared tempeh steak with truffle sauce.
Oh, yes.
Someone was rooting around for my truffles this morning.
[vocalizes] ♪ Oink oink ♪
[both chuckling]
All right, I'll come back with some water.
So, Nicky, we got you a little something for Valentine's Day.
No, that's fine. I-- I don't need anything from you guys.
-Oh, come on! -No, it's really okay.
I've been warming it up for you. There you go.
Oh, you got me a basketball necklace.
-A basketball locket. -Come on, honey. Look inside.
Oh, God, okay.
-[Elliot] Huh? -[Diane] See?
So we can always be close to your heart.
-Aww. -Ew!
[chuckling]
[Jessi] I can't believe we ended up in the same restaurant
as my mom and Cantor Dina.
Ugh. I bet Dina rolls her own tampons and has super dirty feet.
Dude, they're so gross. She won't wear shoes.
I watched her pick up a scarf with her bare foot and put it in a drawer.
Ugh! I bet she's, like, so vocal at yoga.
-Yeah, she lets it all out. -And so loud when she eats your mom out.
-Matthew! -I'm sorry.
It's upsetting because it's really true.
-I heard them doing it this morning. -Oh, no! Honey, come here.
-It's so f*cked up you had to hear that. -Thank you so much, Matthew.
I love hanging out with you.
-Jessi, I feel the same way about you. -You do?
-Let's sing a song about it. -Okay.
♪ Some boys will bring you flowers ♪
♪ Some will even serenade ♪
♪ But you and me Will while away the hours ♪
♪ Just a-dishin' and a-throwin' shade ♪
♪ Forever side-by-side Through snark and snide ♪
♪ I'm stuck to you like glue ♪
♪ So, honey, who needs ♪
-♪ Who needs a boy when I got you? ♪ -[glass shatters]
♪ And I never expect you To hold me tight ♪
♪ And lock me in your lovin' gaze ♪
♪ But I know I'll have A shoulder to cry on ♪
♪ That is, if I were inclined To such pathetic displays ♪
♪ Guys may come and guys may go ♪
♪ And we'll size 'em up in half a glance ♪
♪ Say, Maury These kids got some chemistry ♪
♪ Nope, she'll never get into his pants ♪
Sorry.
♪ Maybe someday we'll find true love ♪
♪ And drift apart like friends will do ♪
-♪ But till then ♪ -♪ Who needs a boy ♪
♪ Some moron that soon will annoy ♪
♪ I ask ya ♪
♪ Who needs a boy ♪
♪ When I got you? ♪
And I thought you didn't want to sing.
Yeah, I didn't. You booked a voice double for me.
-I did, didn't I? -You really get me.
Honestly, and don't crucify me for this,
-but I'm kind of impressed by your mom. -What? Why?
Well, it's hard enough to question your sexuality in middle school,
-but to do it in your sixties? -Uh, my mom is 43.
-Huh. -Yeah.
Either way, everyone deserves a chance at love, Jessi.
-Hmm. I guess. -Even your dried-out old mom.
Ta-da!
[Brad] Jay! I need you to sit on my back with your bare ass!
[sighs]
Sixty-nine...
-[Suzette] Jay! -Sixty-nine...
[Suzette] I need you to saw me in half with your 40-year-old schvantz!
[Jay panting]
[barks]
Fressure! Fressure! Fressure... Fressure...
Jay is feeling too much pressure.
[Suzette] Ah! Help! Jay, help me!
-Ah! Oh, my God! -I'm on fire!
-Oh sh*t! -The flambé!
-What do I do? -Put me out with your cum! Obviously!
[grunting]
Oh, no! I'm out of Jay juice!
What the hell's going on in here?
-[Suzette] Ow! -[grunting]
[Brad] Bro! Ow, bro!
[sobs]
Oh, that's it! I can't do this anymore!
-What are you saying, Jay? -I've hurt you both,
and even worse, I'm blowin' air wads. I'm out.
So, you're dumping us on Valentine's Day?
I just think I have to take a break.
-A-- A sex break. -Whoa.
I just need some time alone
to collect my thoughts and figure out who the f*ck I am.
Bro, you expect me to go cold turkey on that spicy beef jerky?
I'm sorry.
I've got nothing left to jizz.
Damn, Jay is in it!
Love is hard!
Take it from me, a ladybug raising two stepchildren
'cause my partner up and d*ed!
That's right! I got stuff going on, too, y'all.
-Hey, Mom. -Jessi.
-Happy Valentine's Day. -Oh, yeah, you too.
I'm sorry I've been such a pain in the ass about you and Dina.
Oh, no, honey. Well...
Because you deserve love, Mom.
Oh, Jessi. You really mean that?
Of course. We all do.
Sweetie, thank you.
You're the best thing I've ever done.
Do you want to invite Matthew over to join us?
Oh, God, no.
Nobody wants to have dinner with their parents on Valentine's Day.
-So, Nicky, where's your card for Mom? -I didn't get her one.
-Oh. -Why not?
Because she's not my Valentine.
And I'm not gonna...
have sex with her and k*ll you and s*ab my eyes out!
-[shatters] -I'm just gonna...
Nicky, while we are thrilled that you're reading the Greek classics--
it's wonderful-- your tone is unacceptable.
You know what, Elliot? My tone can suck a d*ck.
-Oh, God, I'm having Judd flashbacks. -Feels more like Leah to me.
I'm not Leah!
I just meant because of your budding breasts!
And how overly sensitive you are.
I'm not sensitive! I just hate your love!
And I'm not gonna take it anymore!
Wow, a lot of feelings.
-Stop being understanding! -Mm-hmm. I'm here.
-Go f*ck yourself, Diane! -[Diane gasps]
-I hate Valentine's Day! -Hey, I hate Valentine's Day, too.
And you know what? I hate you!
I'm sick of carrying you around! I want the surgery!
And I want to stop jacking each other off!
Can we still get the chocolate lava cake?
And this whole prix fixe menu is a scam!
Who orders dessert at the beginning of a meal, like a serial k*ller?
-I hate all of you! I spit in your food! -[indistinct angry chatter]
Even the ones I like. It's a disorder.
I can't stop! My God, I can't stop!
And now I love Valentine's Day?
[grumbles]
Something on your mind, Connie?
Mm, it's been a hell of a Valentime's Day, Duke.
I hear that.
♪ I was his monstress ♪
♪ And he was my whole world ♪
♪ Oh, such a sweet boy ♪
♪ With the tits of a girl ♪
♪ Love isn't easy ♪
♪ It's painful and cruel ♪
♪ It makes you look like an assh*le ♪
♪ When you're trying to be cool ♪
[sighs]
♪ He's going through changes ♪
Are you sure about this, bro?
No.
♪ They're going through changes ♪
Abra-cum-dabra.
♪ Everybody's going through changes ♪
♪ In their life ♪
[long beep]
♪ Ooh ♪
Ooh, Duke, that's a sad song.
-Well, love is a sad business, Connie. -Hmm.
-But it sure is profitable. -Truer words were never spoken.
And now for the third act, sponsored by...
Oedipal Arrangements.
Your mother wants to sleep with you, so give her some fruit!
[laughs]
I'm actually excited to go to Lola's.
Ugh, and bring that poor blonde monster something to eat.
Ooh, look, they have canned bread.
Gross. Okay, I'm gonna get her a card.
Ew! This is just called "Breakfast Sauce."
There's no rule that says you can't have Breakfast Sauce for night lunch.
-Coach Steve? -Welcome to Walgreens!
Jessi, my friend who's a child girl, meet Reese's Werther's-Spoons,
my girlfriend who is things.
-[female voice] I love you. -Oh, Coach Steve,
-you deserve love, too. -Thanks!
Even if it is coming from a collection of...
-I guess, pharmacy garbage? -Oh, my sweet Reese's,
I wish people could see you the way that I see you.
I love you so much, Steve.
But you know what happens at midnight.
-My goldfish brain starts over? -Exactly.
Oh, my God, Michael Shannon has his own line of Valentine's cards?
[Michael Shannon's voice] I love you with all the veins in my head.
[heavy breathing]
Oh, it's still breathing.
-That's terrifying. -I know.
I'm gonna get this for Chloe. She would love it.
Oh, is Chloe your girlfriend?
That's what I tell my dad.
Holy sh*t, uh, I think we've got one.
-Are you sure? -I don't know. Keep him on the line!
Uh, I have a Chloe. Her name is Jessi.
-Is she funny? -Of course.
-Is she cute? -Who cares?
-Exactly! -Whoa! We definitely got one!
Do something! Grab his arm, hard! Kiss him on the mouth!
Bang your teeth into his teeth!
-Uh, what's your Insta handle? -"Pootin on the Ritz."
Does he like Russia? Or does he like crackers?
-Requested... Aiden. -I'll follow you back...?
-Matthew. -Matthew.
-Okay. -Okay.
-Bye! -[both, harmonizing] Byeee!
Whoa, you guys are making beautiful music.
-Oh, my God, it's never done this before. -Really?
Well, sometimes I wake up like this, but then I just tuck it into my headband.
[grunts] See? No one can tell.
Okay, I was in church choir in fifth grade--
-Wait, I-- I wasn't there. -So, listen.
Okay.
There was this seventh grade boy, Austin Joseph.
-Why don't I remember this? -Because you weren't there yet, Maury!
-Let me tell my story! -But they're interviewing the both of us.
Ugh. And this boy, Austin,
I just knew I wanted to be, like...
-close to him. -Who-- Who is it?
A year later, we're driving to regionals--
-Oh! Austin Joseph is AJ! -Right?
-I remember that drive. Oh, man. -[chuckles]
-Yes, we're in the back seat of the car-- -You were sitting in the middle.
-And our legs kept touching. -Thigh to thigh.
And my ears were hot.
And then, I told you, "Ooh, let's buy him something."
I got him a sample bottle of Curve cologne.
And then he tried to hit you.
So I sprayed that Curve cologne right in that closet case's eyes,
and I ran away!
Matthew's faster than you think he's gonna be.
And I've been keeping this one at home ever since.
-Not anymore. -Um, we'll see.
-Yeah, we will see. -I guess.
-[chuckles] -Shut the f*ck up!
I like him more than the others.
Oh, hey, Nicky. What happened to dinner with Mom and Dad?
I told them I hated their love and then ran out of the restaurant.
-Oh, good for you. It's about time. -Really?
Yeah. Mom and Dad are great, but they're also the worst.
But they love us so much--
Whatever. You're becoming your own person, and it's rad.
You're just growing up. Like your whole, hmm, nipple situation.
I know! What do I do?
They're so sensitive! And I'm so sensitive!
It's not a bad thing to be a sensitive guy.
-You should embrace that. -I should?
Yeah, just be careful with your sensitive nipples.
-Leah! -Oh, you tender little bitch.
Just get a cold compress and some aloe vera.
Wait a minute, aloe vera?
[in Connie's voice] Yeah, aloe vera!
-What? -[normal voice] What?
-I gotta go. I gotta go find Connie! -What? Connie? Who's Connie?
-She helped me cum! -[Leah] Oh, okay.
I gotta devastate Devin.
I gotta find another brother to jack me off.
I gotta go apologize to Missy. [grunts]
No! Oh, my God, did that just go in?
Did you guys see that? It went in!
I have never made a sh*t on the show before!
Go back and watch! I mean, finish the special first,
but then go back and watch!
Holy sh*t, it went in.
All right!
Two points!
Boy, Nicky really let us have it, didn't he?
I think our little baby's growing up.
-And becoming an assh*le. -A little bit.
-It happens to all of 'em. -They're the best,
but they're also the worst.
Now, let's go upstairs and give your breath its signature scent.
[both moan]
I for one am enjoying how much cunnilingus is happening on this show!
If everyone ate just a little more p*ssy, the world would be a better place, baby!
Ladybug 2020, y'all! No running mate!
[smooching continues]
[raccoon chitters]
Cool raccoons.
I originally trained them to k*ll my brother,
but they also cater small events featuring farm-to-table cuisine.
Sweet.
-[in raccoon language] She seems nice. -Yeah, I think she's really good for him.
Hey, you gonna eat that discarded yogurt top?
No, no, go for it.
Hold on... are we falling in love?
[glass shatters]
Dinner is served.
You know, I never bought a computer?
Didn't believe in it. No regrets. [chuckles]
♪ Who the hell ♪
♪ Invited Burt Reynolds? ♪
[jazz band playing]
Hey, guys! Oh, my God, Breakfast Sauce?!
Yes, please!
I'mma glug this down right now.
Puncture! Puncture! Glug, glug, glug...
Lola, I think that's just supposed to be a topping.
Jessi, let the girl glug. I'm filming this.
Oh, my God, am I gonna be, like, a star?
-[tapping on glass] -Excuse me, everybody. Excuse me.
[chuckles] Phones out. Yeah, it's that kind of moment.
Devin, my dearest, will you...
[groans]
...make me the happiest middle school student in the world?
Oh, my God! A million times yes!
I am so devastated!
[bell rings]
-Oh, my God. -Holy sh*t.
-Is this for real? -People,
that's how you bring it for Valentine's Day.
Suck it, Lola.
Always a child bridesmaid and never a child bride!
[sadly] Glug, glug, glug!
-This night is the best. -Mmm.
Ah, I get it, Maury.
Sometimes it's nice to just have a good friend.
Yeah, but other times it's better to have a good friend with benefits.
-Hmm? -Connie, will you be my valentine?
Oh, Maury, that thing is covered with genital warts!
What? Oh, f*ck me.
I thought those were hearts.
Baby, you gotta wear your glasses!
-Nah, they make me look old! -[glass shatters]
No, Maurice, they make you look distinguished.
-They do? -Mm.
[purrs, growls]
[both growling, snarling]
[panting]
[grunts] Oh, sh*t!
Now I'm gonna have a cold wet tush. Ugh.
Oh...
Most of all, thank you to my lover,
my manager, and the cool cat in the porkpie hat!
Thank you. This is overwhelming.
And I'd like to say to a special someone out there...
Drink my piss, Andrew Glouberman.
[quick athletic grunts] Ta-da.
Rage, rage, f*cking rage!
I couldn't have put it better myself!
-Oh, h-hey, Gina. H-how's it going? -Really great.
It seems that somehow Lola is my valentine this year?
-Ouch. -And my ex-boyfriend just got engaged.
-Devon? -Yup.
-That's very strange. -It really is.
Well, for what it's worth, happy Valentine's Day, Gina.
You know, for what it's worth, thanks, Nick.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go see about a monster.
Oh, right. Lola is in the kitchen.
Whoa, pull over, stud.
You got a license for that ass?
[sighs deeply] You know, normally, I'd take you into the guest bath
and just double your weight,
but I'm kinda taking a break from sex right now.
Who said anything about sex?
I want you to stand against the wall nude while I eat Three Musketeers.
-Uh... -Do it, bitch.
You know, I better not.
But, hey, listen, I hope you find someone as special as you are.
Eat sh*t, prude!
You know what? That's totally fair.
Where is she? Is she even here?
Oh, Connie! There you are!
What do you want?
Look, I-- I've been thinking a lot about you and me, and...
I'm just not gonna fight it anymore.
-Really? -Really!
I don't know why I pushed you away, I guess...
[sighs] I guess I was just...
scared.
But, Connie, I love how you take care of me and my tender nipples.
I love how... [chuckles]
I love how you inspire me to jack off!
I love how your hair, it's like hands.
I love everything about you.
Because, Connie, you are the one for me.
You're my Hormone Monstress.
That is, of course, if-- if you'll have me.
-Shh, shh, shut up. -Connie?
Shut the f*ck up. [sniffles]
-'Cause you had me at tender nipples. -Come here.
You would have been so proud of how I yelled at my mom and dad.
Oh, honey! I was there. I'll always be there.
-Really? -Yes.
I'm your m*therf*cking Hormone Monstress.
You know what, Connie?
I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Happy Valentime's Day, kid.
Happy Valentime's Day, Connie.
Well, well, well!
Hey, Lars, why don't you do me a favor and get lost, you motorized nobody.
-Yeah, you drink piss! -Andrew, stop talking to him like that!
-It's okay. -Missy,
can't you see what's going on here?
He's trying to steal you from me.
-I'm not yours. I don't belong to anyone. -And Missy and I are just friends.
Oh, please, do not believe him.
-He's just manipulating you. -Yeah, he's a little rat liar!
Look at him sitting there. I bet he can walk!
Andrew, again, he's not lying about the chair.
That's right, everyone! He can walk, I think!
-Please don't do this, Andrew. -Come on, Tiny Tim--
-Andrew! -Time to make your f*cking debut!
-Get up, you liar. -Andrew, stop it.
-What are you doing? -Oh, my God.
Jesus Christ, this thing's heavy!
You know what? f*ck it. Ride or die, brother! Grab his wrists!
-[Lars] No, please stop. -Andrew, stop it. Just let go of him!
There's a seat belt. Get the seat belt.
-No, stop it! -[Andrew and Lars grunt]
-[crowd gasps] -Oh, my goodness! Lars!
Holy moly, are you okay?!
Jeez Louise, the optics on this.
sh*t, his legs didn't even buckle.
Maury, I don't think this guy can walk. Unless he's faking!
-'Cause you're a fake! -Stop!
-You just-- You were logical for a second. -This TV is fake too! [grunts]
-[crowd gasps] -Whoa.
Oh, my God. Last time I was here, it was fake. I swear.
Andrew! You sweaty turd!
I'm conflicted 'cause you broke my TV!
But, as I have previously mentioned,
I'm all about the drama!
-I think you should go, Andrew. -Yeah, you weren't even invited.
-You're ruining Valentine's Day, Andrew! -Just get out!
No, this is crazy! Missy, get your coat, we're f*ckin' going home.
-You like me. -Not anymore.
-[gasps] -I hate you!
-And I hate this stupid hat. -Lola, no, no, no!
The hat is stuck to my scalp blisters.
-[fabric ripping] -You suck!
-Ow! -[crowd gasps]
[chuckles]
You're, like, bald!
Oh, God, you look just like your dad!
No! No, it can't be! Bring me a mirror!
Happy Valentine's Day, you bald bitch!
Oh, it's shocking! And it makes sense.
[Lola grunts]
[whimpers]
[panting]
-[both scream] -[thunderclap]
[Andrew yells, murmurs]
-You! -Yeah!
-[Andrew] Come here, you m*therf*cker! -Yeah, get him!
[whimpers]
Why did he go after the mailbox?
-[Andrew farts] -Oh, Andrew, you farted!
-Oh, and they're all filming! -[Andrew] No!
Oh, what have I done?!
-Missy! -Missy!
Jesus!
That is some weird-ass toxic max-sculinity.
Okay, well, the first time we met--
-Okay, she was with my friend, Jessi. -Mm-hmm.
And honestly, it didn't even cross my mind that she was a possibility.
Oh, yeah. Well, sweetheart, trust me, I wasn't looking at you either.
-Oh, look... -[chuckles]
However it happened, it happened,
and, you know, it's still new.
Sure, sure. It-- It can be hard.
Come on, it's not that hard. I mean, we have fun.
Yeah, we're f*cking with his parents, big time!
Yeah, I'm putting the milk back in the fridge,
but with, like, nothing in it!
[both laugh]
-Yeah, we're having a good time. -Yeah.
But it's hard.
♪ Happy Valentine's Day ♪
♪ Every day, the 14th ♪
♪ I don't think y'all heard me ♪
♪ I just wanna say Happy Valentine's Day ♪
♪ Every day, the 14th ♪
♪ Can y'all dig that? ♪
♪ Now, when arrows don't penetrate ♪
-♪ See ♪ -♪ Cupid cracks the p*stol ♪
♪ Uh, yeah, now Now lookie here ♪
♪ He sh**t straight for your heart ♪
♪ Now, and he won't miss you ♪
♪ But that's all right Y'all won't believe in me anyway but ♪
♪ You won't believe in me ♪
♪ But you can't see leprechauns ♪
♪ Or groundhogs ♪
♪ No, thank you, Easter Bunny ♪
♪ There's all this talk About Santa Claus ♪
♪ But see, love will rule supreme ♪
03x01 - My Furry Valentine
Watch/Buy Amazon
Andrew is learning that first hand as he experiences the nightmare that is growing up in this animated series.
Andrew is learning that first hand as he experiences the nightmare that is growing up in this animated series.