01x07 - Requiem for a Wet Dream

[bunniefuu]

[cr*ck]

- Oh, hey.
- Hello.

Oh, is that... ? Going
to take care of it.

I need this so bad.

You don't know how far I came.

If I can close my eyes, I can...

Oh, really?

Yeah, honey. Yeah, honey... yeah...

[GROANING]

[SIGHS] Oh, we f*cking came together.

[SIZZLING AND GURGLING]

[ROARING]

And that's pretty much how it happened.

So, life started because a giant
alien had sex with the Earth?

I don't know. That
sounds like Scientology.

Yup, of everyone they got the closest.

As you know, the science fair
next week is a chance to embrace

the true spirit of experimentation.

- Science fair buddies again?
- You want an A.

- I'm fine with a C.
- And we'll end up with a B.

What... what's this?
What are we doing now?

- We're doing a fist bump.
- Ah.

Because the football program

has taken part of our
budget for legal fees,

this year we'll be breaking
up into teams of three.

[VOICE ECHOING]

Devin is mine!

[SCREAMING]

Guys, over here!

I don't think we can work with Jessi.

Yeah, it will be impossible
to spend all that time with her

and not tell her what we saw.

That we saw her mom lez
out with another woman?

I put it in our spank
bank. It's all digital now.

Hand down. You're with me, Glazer.

We just need a third. Like
an idiot to make fun of.

Okay. So, who were you thinking?
Ooh, the Go-Gurt burglar?

- [GIGGLES]
- No, his geisha giggle weirds me out.

I was thinking... [GASPS] male Frida.

- Andrew! Nick! Guys, over here!
- Oh, Jay?

- Oh, I don't know.
- He's perfect.

He's ridiculous, and
he's kind of cute, right?

- Eww. No.
- Oh, come on.

He's like a sexy Neanderthal.
Jay! Get over here!

- You're on our team.
- f*ck yes! Ha ha!

Chosen! Hey, Nick, Andrew,
I'm joining Matthew's team.

We're gonna bury you fags.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, sh*t, Jessi and Jay are both taken.

- Oh.
- [SCREAMING]

That's it, Missy. She's really smart.

- Missy, do you want to be our partner?
- Whoa! Really?

- Oh, yeah, I like that.
- I can't work with Missy.

Come on, do a little work, kissy-kissy,
ride her aboard, humpy-humpy.

No, no, no, no! She
makes me very nervous.

I get all dizzy, and I don't know
if I'm gonna barf or cum in my pants.

Either way, it's sweet release.

- Hi, Andrew.
- Hi, Missy. I want...

- [MUFFLED RETCH]
- [GULPS]

- Welcome to the team.
- Thanks.

I really can't wait to...

- [MUFFLED RETCH]
- [GULPS]

Oh. That was a little vomit,

and I think it happened
because I am truly excited

to join you in this odyssey
of inquiry and exploration.

Stay away from Devin.

- [GROANS]
- [GIGGLES]

Anyway, as far as water coolers go,

you see that new Seinfeld yesterday?

That show has been
off the air for years.

Yeah, well, there was a
new one on WGN last night.

Kramer, you know, the cool one, he
ordered a coffee that was so hot,

he's gonna sue the place, you know,

which I thought was extreme, but...

Yeah, uh, okay.

Anyway, speaking of
coffee, I'm a Sanka man.

I'm a Keurig lady.

Whoa! Is there banter happening here?

Miss Benitez weighs in with the Keurig.

That's a tough word to say.

Well, you could just say K-cups.

Uh-oh! She said it again! Saying
stuff directly to me! K-cups!

That's for Keur... Keurig. Courage.

You give me courage.

Oh, thanks, Steve.

I'm looking for some help
with the science fair.

Okay, I'll do it, AKA sign me up,

AKA I am not able to sign
myself up, AKA I cannot read.

Well, maybe I can help you with that.

Well, that would be... [MUFFLED RETCH]

Are you okay, Steve?

[GULPS] Am I okay? Nobody
has ever asked me that before.

You know what? Spoiler alert,

I am gonna help you
with that science fair,

but it's not gonna be "science fair."

Spoiler alert, it's gonna
be "science awesome."

That's so funny, Steve.

Sorry about that. That's
the Sanka coming back up.

You're the man, Steve.

No, you're the man,
my Hormone Monster dude.

Are you gonna eat that vomit?

Okay. For our project,

I'm thinking we do the
science of three pointers.

Andrew and I will sh**t hoops,
and, Missy, you can do the math.

Oh, boy, look at her going to
town on that hummus and celery.

Two can play at that game.

Suck down a couple of those loose
scallops that Daddy packed for you.

No, gross. I will not
eat in front of her.

- It's too embarrassing.
- May I propose a project?

What if we made a model
of the Yellowstone Caldera?

It's a super volcano, and when it blows,

the ash cloud will destroy farmland,

- clog rivers and suffocate entire cities.
- That sounds devastating.

I'll send you some
really troubling links.

I'd like that. I'd like that very much.

Okay, we've got two solid options,

super volcano or sh**ting threes.

Those in favor of super volcano?

- Uh, I'm sorry.
- Okay.

Two betas b*at one alpha, good to know.

All right, dum-dums,

I don't even know if you can
handle the idea that I've got.

[GASPS] Jessi, can we handle it?

I'm wearing a second pair
of underwear. Let's do this.

Good call, 'cause I'm about
to sh*t your pants.

Our project is about the
magic of teleportation.

First off, confusing
science and magic... mmwah!

But we have a big problem.

Jessi and I are too scared
to lead the presentation.

I could do it. I could do
it. [STAMMERS] Jay will do it.

Oh, thank goodness.

And I was thinking we
should just wear, like,

our regular boring clothes, right?

Oh, my God. What are you, crazy?

Matthew and I will be wearing
matching vests and shiny shirts.

And Jessi will be wearing
a tight little skirt... ooh.

Unless you wanna wear
the skirt, Matthew,

but I think gay and trans are different?

No, no, they are the same and
you should tell people that.

- I will.
- This is fun.

But if we don't have an actual
project, we're gonna get an F.

Oh, Marnie. Shout-out to Girls.

Relax, our project is
right in front of us.

We're gonna make a science documentary.

- [PIGEON COOING]
- The Delusion of Illusion:

The Lonely World of a Child Magician.

So, you and Missy, huh?

What about me and Missy?

Ah, come on, you wanna
slam-dunk her p*ssy.

- Jesus.
- Come on, Andrew. You obviously like her.

I don't like her. I just...

I just think about her all
the time and my ears get hot...

Yeah, and your d*ck gets hot
too. Oh, maybe it's got a fever.

Stick a thermometer in its little mouth.

Ugh! That sounds so painful.

You like her. You should ask her out.

I'm definitely not doing
that. What if she says no?

Dude, she'll say yes.

That's even worse, Nick,
'cause then we'll date,

and I'll tell her all my
secrets, and then we'll break up,

and she'll tell
everyone else my secrets,

and then the whole school will know

about these milk baths my
mom gives me for eczema.

- Andrew, may I be blunt?
- But, of course.

Opportunities like this might
be somewhat rare for you.

What are you saying? That most
of the time I'm gonna like girls

and they won't like me back so
I should seize this opportunity?

- Yeah, that makes sense.
- Yes, Andrew, seize the day,

and here's how you're gonna do it.

Okay. So here's the key.
Missy is at the baseline.

You're gonna pass it down to
her. That's asking her out.

She's gonna do a spin
move. That's her saying yes,

- and then that's a d*ck.
- Wow, I didn't see that coming.

Oh, you wanna see it
coming? Yeah, give me a sec.

[MESSAGE ALERT CHIME]

Huh?

Andrew, what are you doing here?

- It's nearly 9:00.
- I couldn't sleep.

Me, neither. I don't know about you,

but I was thinking about the Caldera

and how we need to savor every moment

before life is ripped from us
by a storm of airborne ejecta.

Ejecta? Oh, she wants it.

- You should take out your penis.
- Oh, Christ, please, just let me do this.

- Okay, well, I'll take out my penis.
- Shh, shh!

Missy, I think that
you're a very cool person

whom I enjoy spending time with.

- You think that?
- I do, and I wanted to ask you

if it's not a bother currently, if
perhaps you would be my girlfriend?

[MUFFLED SCREAM]

- Does that mean yes?
- Yes, I would like that very much.

- [RUMBLING]
- Oh, boy. Did you feel that?

Do you think it was an earthquake?

No, Missy, I think it was us.

♪ When we're together,
my insides throb ♪

♪ Like my intestines are in my heart ♪

I know, and...

♪ I'm reduced to a trembling heap ♪

♪ Of hives and nervous farts ♪

[BOTH] What's this feeling?

♪ My organs bind and cramp ♪

♪ And I nearly poop my pants ♪

♪ Every time I see you ♪

- ♪ Oh, I feel like sh*t ♪
- [MISSY CHUCKLES]

♪ This must be love ♪

♪ I'm nauseous from the stress ♪

♪ And I'm a gassy, rashy mess ♪

♪ I've got a boner in my chest ♪

[BOTH] ♪ 'Cause I'm in love ♪

Wow.

I guess I'll see you at school tomorrow.

If we make it to tomorrow.

Ooh-oooh...

Good night, Missy.

Good night, Andrew.

All right. There we go,
bro, you've got a girlfriend.

I've got a girlfriend. I can't breathe.

- I think I'm hyperventilating.
- Here, breathe into this.

[PANTING] Ugh!

What... what is in this?

Some more of my dicks
and half a tuna melt.

- [MUFFLED RETCHING]
- [SQUEAKING]

Okay, Steve, you're going to
have to learn your letters.

Well, obviously, I know the big song.

♪ Teepee, fat guy, sideways moon ♪

♪ Other fat guy, sideways comb ♪

Wow.

That is a song.

Oh, Miss B, you're so nice.

You're not trying to steal
one of my kidneys, are you?

'Cause I've been fooled multiple times.

[CHUCKLES] No, you
remind me of my brother.

He's special, like you.

You think I'm special?

You're the man, Steve.
Give her a kidney.

Hey, Miss B, how do you spell "love"?

- L-O-V-E.
- Mm-hmm. Uh-huh... oh.

- Love.
- Ah!

Hockey stick, coffee stain,

water cooler cup, sideways comb.

You're learning really
quickly. I love it.

And I love you. I'm in love with you.

Oh, Steve, that's very sweet.

- I love you too.
- And I love pizza.

Cowabunga, dude.

[CLASS BELL RINGING]

Hey, buddy, uh, what
the hell are you doing?

I'm having a panic
att*ck, Nick, currently.

I'm looking at Missy, and it feels like

my heart is leaping out of my chest.

Andrew, as your doctor, I would
advise you get your sh*t together

- and go talk to your girlfriend.
- Oh, God, that word.

Oh, my tongue is getting larger.
Can you just talk to her for me?

Jesus, come on.

Missy, Andrew is back from the
floor. He says good morning.

[MUFFLED] Good morning, Andrew.

I seem to be suffering

from a classic case of
swollen tongue. [CHUCKLES]

I was wondering if you would like
to go to the science museum tonight

with me and my parents.

Andrew, your girlfriend
just asked you out on a date.

- What do you say?
- [MUFFLED] Say yes.

Sorry about that. I had one of
my dicks in my mouth. Say yes.

[MUFFLED] Weren't we supposed
to watch volcano movies tonight?

- It's fine. Missy, he would love to.
- [SWOONS]

Okay. Now, I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but can we please focus
on our science project?

[SNIFFS] You know, I'm smelling
this. This isn't my d*ck.

Oh, I do not feel good. I am
really nervous about this date.

You know what always relaxes you?

No, no, I don't know.

This is our first chance to jerk off

to something that might actually happen.

- Let's glaze those knuckles, honey.
- Okay. Maybe you're right.

[SEAGULLS CAWING]

Hi, Andrew, what do
you want to do to me?

Uh... I wanna put
sunscreen on your body.

Yeah, lube her up!

Now what?

You want to lie down with
me like when people lie down?

But you just put on sunscreen
and the sand might stick to you.

Hey, Gilligan. What the
f*ck are we doing here?

- Give it to me, Andrew.
- Uh...

Nope, this doesn't
feel right. Can't do it!

- What the hell happened?
- I don't know.

Now that she's my
girlfriend, it feels wrong.

Like, I don't want to
sully our relationship.

All right, fine. Let's
just, uh, get back to basics.

Ah, here's the Athleta catalog.

I got a tub of Land O'Lakes,
which is dual purpose.

Okay. No, no, I can't
use any of that stuff.

If I masturbate to someone else,
I'll feel like I'm cheating on Missy.

So let me get this straight.

You can't jerk off to Missy and
you can't jerk off to not Missy.

- What the hell are you gonna jerk off to?
- Nothing.

I guess I'm not gonna jerk off.

[BREATHLESS LAUGH]

Yeah, you're... you're
not gonna jerk off.

All right, where are
the cameras? [CHUCKLES]

Am I on Jerk'd? [LAUGHS]

- Where's Mark McGrath?
- Hey, I'm serious.

I am not masturbating
from this day forward.

And if you'll excuse me, I have to
get ready for my date with Missy.

But you haven't jerked
off in nearly 36 hours.

[BEEPING]

That's unprecedented.
If you don't do it soon,

you're gonna blow, damn it!

How do you like that?

Andrew Glouberman has a girlfriend.

I'll never forget my
first love. Becky Lyman.

I kissed her on the cheek, and
she kicked me square in the groin.

But you know what hurt even more
than my swollen, bruised testicles?

- Your heart?
- No, my urethra.

It collapsed and had to
be surgically repaired.

But I'm sure things will go
much more smoothly for Andrew.

That boy is gonna be
a beautiful boyfriend.

Guys, can we please stop
talking about Andrew?

Oh, Nicky.

Are you jealous?

No, I've just been talking
about Andrew and Missy all week.

And now he's out with her, and
I'm on a date with my parents.

Hey, this is the only
threesome I'd ever want.

- Gross.
- What we're saying is,

we'd go out with you even
if you weren't our son.

You'd go out with a
random 12-year old boy?

If he was as dynamite as
you, you better believe it.

Holy bonkers!

This is a real trifecta for me.

Hanging out with my parents,
science, and my beau.

Oh, am I talking too much?

Cyrus, you let her have dried papaya,

and now she's bouncing off the walls.

I didn't give her any papaya. I
think she's sweet on someone else.

- He's talking about Andrew.
- Yes.

My mom says I'm sweet and that's
why spiders keep biting me.

Oh, smooth.

Way to bring up your mom
and also spider bites.

You sure you don't wanna tell them
about your pediatric hemorrhoids?

- Are you drunk?
- Andrew, are you coming?

Oh, in the heart, with you, alone?

- Yes.
- I'm coming, too.

No, you cannot be in there.
You need to leave me alone.

Not a chance, h*m*. I'm
gonna watch you turn her out.

Hey, this is not okay.

Now, I didn't wanna have to do this,

but I am thinking about my grandmother.

Gray, round, and ready to pound.

[GROANS] Okay. How about a mezuzah?

- Huh?
- You know how a cross works on a vampire?

Oh, sweetheart, a mezuzah
is just a gold d*ck

you nail on your door to
say, "Inside, we f*ck."

Okay. You leave me no choice.

This is Garrison Keillor,

the former host of NPR's A
Prairie Home Companion.

A lovely thing about
Christmas is it's compulsory.

- Feel his sexlessness!
- No, no, no! Aaah!

Come on, Missy. Let's go.

Now I will breathe loudly
through my nose hair.

- My dicks! My dicks are running away!
- [SQUEAKING]

I'm so glad you're taping this
because these guys are legends.

I give you... the Sorcerers
of the Square Table.

Come near. The closer you
look, the less you see, ha ha!

Okay. We're changing the project.

"How no sex for 30 years
affects the male posture."

Ooh, get a close-up of
Mr. Bolo Tie's fingernails.

Look how long they are.
They're like antlers.

Okay. First of all, "Mr.
Bolo Tie" has a name,

and it's the Magnificent Gary.

And his long fingernails are
because he uses a harp in his act.

Uh-huh. Because magic isn't
lame enough on its own.

Oh, my God, I feel like I'm my most
authentic self with you, Matthew.

Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.
Are you guys making fun of magic?

- And you.
- And your man coven.

I don't get it. Why
did you even choose me?

- What about our project?
- Oh, come on, Jay.

We can't seriously do a science
project about teleportation.

Darling, it's not even real.

Teleportation is the exact place
where science and magic intersect.

I can't believe I brought you
assholes into this sacred space!

- It's a Panera.
- It's a chamber of wonders, you dicks!

- Are you still getting this?
- It's gold.

Do either of you have a car?

I'm 30 minutes late for a
court-supervised visit with my mother.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]

- Hey, Duke.
- Hey! It's Friday night!

Where's your accountant Andrew?

- Oh, we're just friends.
- Uh-oh!

It's not good to have
your friends do your taxes.

Andrew's got a date. I set him
up with this girl Missy, and...

now, she's all he talks about.

Oh!

And you're feeling left out?

I'm just kind of worried he's not
gonna have time for me anymore.

Oh, he won't. Some men just
disappear into their ladies,

like Joltin' Joe DiMaggio
with Marilyn Monroe.

He was obsessed,

just hanging out in center
field, folding her panties up.

♪ And not her nice panties ♪

♪ Her "I'm feeling
sick today" panties ♪

Uh-huh. I mean, I like girls too,

but I make time for my
family, sports, my friends.

Me, too.

And my girl, my cars, my band.

Yeah, we're the same.

That's right. Two ghosts
alone in the attic.

But I'm not dead.

You are to Andrew. [CHORTLES]

- [HEARTBEAT]
- Whoa.

This is a lovely ventricle.

Yes, it looks very healthy.

- No signs of plaque or...
- Or arterial blockage.

You took the diagnosis
right out of my mouth.

It's really nice being alone with you.

- [POUNDING]
- Let me in!

Andrew, let me in! I
will not be ignored!

It's nice to be alone
with you too, Missy.

I will burn this place to
the ground and f*ck the ashes!

I have been blowing loads
since the dawn of time!

- [RUMBLING]
- Oh!

Missy, Andrew, are you kids okay?

Was that real?

Don't you worry. It was
just a tremor, sweetie.

That was me! I'm
taking credit like !sis!

You assh*le! You just
ruined my first kiss!

No, you just ruined your first kiss.

I warned you. Now look
what you made me do.

Oh, God, no!

Cats are intended to teach us

that not everything in
nature has a purpose.

There's only one way
to make you shut up!

- Oh, God.
- Garrison, no!

Take it all, Keillor. Take it all.

Oh, thank you. Oh!

Steve. Look at you all dressed up.

- Well, it's a special day.
- And you're a special guy.

- And I would k*ll anyone for you.
- Well, that's not necessary.

Well, that's a relief 'cause I'd
do it, but it would weigh on me.

Hey, would you want to be an
honorary judge for the science fair?

- A judge?
- Yeah.

At the science fair?
I would be honorary.

That makes me so happy.

Well, I think I'm about to
make you a little bit happier.

- [GRUNTING]
- Oh, Steve.

That's right. I know
you knew this was coming.

Miss B, will you marry me?

Oh, Steve.

I'm so flattered. Really.

But I can't marry you.

- What? Why?
- Well, for one,

don't you think you should marry
someone a little more like you?

Someone who pays their taxes in grapes?

Kind of, yeah.

But, also, Steve, I think
of you more as a friend.

- I'm so sorry.
- Sorry?

How dare you say sorry

when you just made me the
happiest man of my life.

- You're happy?
- Of course.

You want to be friends.

I can't believe you're
putting me in the friend zone.

That's like the number one zone.

Yes, Steve. I would be
honorary to be your friend.

Who's the man?

Spoiler alert, it's
Steve, AKA "the man."

[BEEPING]

That was intense at the museum.

Oh, the earthquake, I mean.

- Yeah, it was. Oh, crap, no.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

- Hello, Brother Andrew.
- Brother Andrew?

Yes. I want to apologize
for my behavior.

I may have crossed the line

when I skull-intercoursed
Mr. Keillor's severed head.

And you should know that I
won't be bothering you anymore.

Oh. Okay, I... I guess that's good.

- God bless you, Brother Maurice.
- And God bless you, Pastor Rick.

There's the man who got me
clean. Helped me find the Lord.

Uh-oh! There seems to be some, uh,
pre-lava oozing out of the volcano.

[EXHALES] I'm gonna
go to the parking lot

and smoke a quick Merit,
get my head straight.

- [GROANS] He looks really sad.
- I know.

I don't want to make fun of him.

There's a ton of mold
on those shower curtains.

Oh, my God. Is he
talking to his bath mat?

I don't need them. I can do this myself.

Then why'd you even bring me from home?

Because they ditched me and
I need something to teleport.

You said we could go to
the Cheesecake Factory.

I want avocado egg rolls.

What do you think
about the mouth, Andrew?

- Is it moist enough?
- It's plenty moist, Missy.

- Hey, sorry, I'm late.
- Oh.

- I'm so glad you're here.
- Oh, good.

Missy keeps saying all this
stuff that sounds so sexual.

- Right, yeah, Missy. Great, of course.
- What?

- You're such a girlfriend guy.
- What do you mean?

Next thing you know,

you're gonna be folding her
underpants in center field.

That's crazy.

I can't imagine myself
being placed in center field.

- I'm more of a right field kind of guy.
- Well, you're clearly too busy for me.

- Just spending all your time with Missy.
- Missy and I just started dating.

Why are you freaking out so much?

I'm not freaking out!
You're being a shitty friend!

You're being a shitty friend!

[BEEPING]

This would work a lot better if I
had an assistant, but since I don't,

ladies and gentlemen, I will
be teleporting this bath mat.

It's not gonna work, you butt-f*ck.

Why don't you teleport
your head out of your ass?

Okay, okay.

Assistants are better seen, not heard.

Now, as you can see, the booth
is empty, as is this booth.

Wha... what are you guys doing here?

We thought you might
need a couple assistants.

And we didn't want to be
blamed for your su1c1de.

Okay. Let's do this.

Ladies and gentlemen, behold,
the science of teleportation.

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Holy sh*t. It worked.

Jay, we did it!

No, Jessi. I did it.

Still the worst.

Our project is the Yellowstone Caldera,

a sleeping giant ready
to awaken at any moment.

Hot, thick fluids
bubbling up from below.

Swelling, thrusting, crustal stretching.

I can't. I can't keep it together, man.

I'm not strong enough. I'm really sorry.

- Sorry for what?
- For what I'm about to do.

And when the pressure
builds, it needs to release.

- [RUMBLING]
- Oh, my God! Whoa!

Everything's fine, kids.
It's just a small tremor.

Okay. Everybody keep your friends close.

Keep going, Missy. You're doing great.

I... I can't. I...

Andrew, can you please take over?

- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?

Uh...

- My...
- Oh, boy.

- [GROANS]
- [RUMBLING]

- Whoa!
- Oh, God!

sh*t!

Missy, come with me.

No, you're out of control, Andrew!

We're all out of control.

Suck my stump, Maurice.

Yeah, suck his sick little d*ck.

All right. I don't know what's going on.

- [METAL CLANGING]
- f*ck!

Do you take Coach Steve to be
your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Hallelujah!

- [CRACKING]
- [ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

Oh, my God!

[CHILDREN SCREAMING]

Missy! Whaah!

[SQUEAKING]

Oh, you like it? Bad girl.

Andrew, you knucklehead.

... are also intended to teach us...

And there will be a day of reckoning,

as the hot lava blasts forth...

[VOICE CHANGING] and
cleanses the Earth of sin,

for you cannot control
the power of nature.

[CACKLING]

[GASPS]

No!

sh*t!

[GASPS]

Ugh! It's everywhere.

- [SQUISHING]
- It's between my g*dd*mn toes.

I told you the volcano would blow.

You can't ignore me. I'm here to stay.

- Like Nick Cannon.
- So it was all a wet dream?

I honestly don't know.

I think the Jessi and
Jay stuff was real.

- What about the bath mat?
- She's real, and she's spectacular.

Hey, that's from Seinfeld.

- Question: am I still dreaming?
- I think so.

Okay, 'cause I wasn't
in the teacher's lounge

when Coach Steve was, like,
talking about Seinfeld.

Right, right, right.

Let's just agree that
maybe I've seen all of this

and that this dream is possible.

What did you think about the
Garrison Keillor part? Too far?

That part made me uncomfortable.

Yeah, at the time, it seemed funny.

No, and I like f*cked
up stuff like that.

- You know, Netflix insisted on it.
- Really?

[THE NOTORIOUS B.I.G. "JUICY" PLAYING]