01x08 - The Head Push

Episode transcripts for the TV show, "Big Mouth". Aired: September 29, 2017 - present.*
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Andrew is learning that first hand as he experiences the nightmare that is growing up in this animated series.
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01x08 - The Head Push

Post by bunniefuu »

[GIRL] Tom Cruise,
Scientology is a cult.

Then why are we so good at
rehab and have great gyms?

It's true, they are great at rehab.

Why are they doing a Tom Cruise
version of The Crucible?

You're glib, Goody Holmes.

I wish I never hired you as my wife.

Because the Church of Scientology
paid for our auditorium

and we did 12 Angry
Travoltas last year.

♪ It's a witch hunt, a bitch hunt ♪
♪ A David Miscavige hunt ♪

Fun fact: I was rejected
from Scientology, so...

Let me ask you, do you mind
that I'm holding your hand?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"I grow in jungle
water and am very smelly

And if you touch me

- I hurt your belly" What am I?
- _

You're the helicobacter pylori bacteria?

- Which causes acute gastritis.
- Oh, great.

Andrew, you're quite good
at Bacterium Delirium.

- Well, I'm just happy to be here-ium.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oh.

Aww, she's giving your
little hand a squeeze.

Ooh! I wonder if she'll f*ck you
while her dad goes down on the mom.

Oh, God, you disgust me.

[LAUGHS]

- Hi, I'm Leah's brother, Nick.
- Hey, dude, I'm Daniel.

You were great as Tom
Cruise, very sympathetic.

Thanks. You know, I believe
when he's dating those women

he really thinks he's dating them.

Ah. This must be the famous Nick Birch.

- I've seen you on Leah's Instagram.
- Oh.

Your Halloween costume,
were you, like, a cold pig?

Oh, no, I was a pig in a blanket.

- Oh! I love pigs in a blanket.
- Really?

- Yeah, a lot.
- Okay. Mustard or ketchup?

- Ketchup, obviously. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh, we could've been so great.

- That's too bad.
- Yeah, it is too bad.

Nick, let's go.

Thanks so much for doing
the wrap party, Leah.

- See you in a bit.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.

We're having a party while
Mom and Dad are out of town?

No, I'm having a party and
you're staying at Andrew's.

[MIMICS BUZZER] Andrew's got
a date, so I'm staying at home

and I guess I'm going
to a high school party.

Ooh! Are you gonna party with us, Nick?

[CHUCKLING AND STAMMERING]

Oh, I f*cked that up.

- See you there, Tallulah.
- Tallulah?

Her name is Tallulah?

- Stop smiling.
- I'm not smiling.

- [LAUGHS]
- [GROANS]

Tallulah.

Oh, God.

Oh, sh*t, yeah, it didn't go back in.

This is bad.

Okay, so food-wise, did
we get a cookie cake?

What's our Dorito sitch?

It's not that kind of party, okay?

It's a high school
party, so try to be cool.

Yeah, cool. NP, no probs.

Those are women sunglasses.

- No, they're Dad's.
- Yeah, Dad wears women sunglasses.

- Really? [GROANS]
- Obviously.

Okay, look, these are theater kids,

so they're sophisticated, like
that guy Daniel that you met.

Ohh! Leah likes Daniel.

Leah will slit your throat.

Nice, third person thr*at.

All right. I got gay-ass wine for
you and your gay ass theater friends.

The Jack's mine. I
hope your party sucks.

Thank you, Jud, you're
America's sweetheart.

- You drink, Leah?
- It's not a big deal.

- I'm 16 and it's just wine.
- Cool, I guess... Sure, I'll have some.

Wine, it's nature's fruit.

- You're nature's fruit.
- Okay.

I'll be upstairs, but
I'm always listening.

- You think you're having wine?
- Come on.

No, you're not having any.

Leah, do you want me to be the little
brother who tells on his sister?

- Is that a good look for either of us?
- Oh, fine, you can have a little.

[JUD, MUFFLED] He's already
got a little... d*ck. [CHUCKLES]

- Really?
- I'm in the walls now.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

A house, a house, tis
nothing but a house.

- It is. It's just a house.
- Whoo!

Well, look who it is.

- Tallulah.
- Nick Birch.

[STAMMERS] I don't
know, it's hard to say.

Hi, I'm Andrew Glouberman

and I'd like to make
love to your daughter

while you the dad go down on the mom.

No, see, it's not gonna
work. It's too unnatural.

- Ohh!
- Why am I introducing myself?

- [PHONE VIBRATING]
- Hey, Nick.

Leah's having a high school party
and I think I might be flirting

with a ninth grade girl.
You got to come over.

Yeah, high school party. Let's go.

Geez, Nick, I don't know.
I mean, I'm over at Missy's

and her mom was just about
to make some decaf yerba mate.

Aw, f*ck Missy's parents.

We tried. We can't get a rhythm.

- Look at me, I'm drinking wine.
- Nick.

[GROANS]

You know I can't say no to you

but we're definitely
not coming. Bye, sorry.

- Hi, who was that?
- Oh, it was Nick.

His sister's throwing some high
school party and he invited us.

Wow, do you want to go?

- Deeply.
- Stop it.

Because on NPR, Meghna Chakrabarti

says that couples should
do new brave things together

and a high school party...
[CHUCKLES] sounds pretty brave.

Well, I mean, if Meg
Jabroni said that...

But, well, what do we tell your parents?

We're going to see a movie.

- Oh, well, great, which one?
- Uh...

- Carpet Ceiling.
- Really?

Oh, yeah, it's an Iranian
film about a physicist

who is forced to work in a tea
service after the fall of the Shah.

- Is that a real movie?
- No, she's lying.

And she's surprisingly good at it.

Ooh, she's a little liar.
I like that in a lady.

I also like when they cook dinner.

Party Wolf is in the house.

[HOWLING]

- Party Wolf.
- Hey, Jay, who...

How did you know there was a party?

I have a camera in your kitchen. [HOWLS]

- Wolf cam.
- Hold on, what?

Oh, no, it's not weird.

See, my mom doesn't cook,
so I watch your mom cook.

It's just different at my house.

Boys, feeding time.

[SNARLING AND MUNCHING]

[SIGHS]

♪ And I think this sauce
needs a little more basil ♪

That's why I like
watching the Diane Show.

You can tell she cooks
with love or whatever.

Who cares? Not me. f*ck you.

How many cameras do you
have in my house, Jay?

Check it out, I brought booze. [LAUGHS]

Cotton candy brandy?

Yeah, my dad defended
the guy who created it.

The first booze made
for kids by kids. FKBK!

So, let me get this straight,

your dad represented a
child liquor distributor.

And the only reason he lost the case

was he called the judge a fat bitch.

Well, Jay, you come
from an upsetting home.

- A toast.
- A to... I don't know.

To Party Wolf. [HOWLS] Drink.

[GROANS] Oh, my nose and eyes.

Yeah, your eyesight's gonna
come back in, like, 30 seconds.

- Oh, my stomach hurts.
- It's strong, right?

But sweet as berry pie.

- [MESSAGE CHIME]
- Oh, Jessi.

Did you make the arrangements
for the bat mitzvah band

or did you get stoned and
forget your one responsibility?

Hey, Mom, Dad, I'm gonna
go hang out at Nick's, okay?

Oh, sure, honey. Not too late.

Have a good one, Jellybean.

For your information, I'm
contacting Trusted Root tonight.

No one wants a Rusted Root
cover band at a bat mitzvah.

♪ The cotton candy brandy ♪
♪ I'm feeling so fine ♪

♪ I got a cotton candy brandy ♪
♪ Hey, it's yum-yum time ♪

Wow. Dope rhymes.

Oh, good, you were...

- You're listening to me rap to myself.
- [CHUCKLES]

- I'm, uh... I'm stupid.
- [LAUGHS]

I mean, I am, I'm stupid.
I'm a dumb, dumb person.

If you stupid, I'm a idiot.

You're both Ret*rded.

That's my brother Jud.

You'll likely see his
manifesto in the news someday.

- Wow.
- Right?

Oh, you are hilarious, Nick Birch.

- Ooh!
- What?

- Nick's got a girlfriend.
- Nick's got a girlfriend. [CHUCKLES]

What the... I must be drunk.

- Drunk on love.
- Ooh-la-la!

- For Tallulah.
- I'm jealous, Nicky.

Eww! You're jealous of a
girl I want to make out with?

I'm jealous of her too.

Who wants that red-hot
cotton candy brandy?

[HOWLS] Party Wolf.

[BARKING]

Meow.

- You ready?
- [SOFT BLOWING]

[LAUGHING]

You.

I have kissed a girl and I liked it.

- You are insane.
- [GROANS]

I can't believe I'm in the seventh
grade and already over high school.

- These f*cking people.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Jessi. [CHUCKLES]

What a sexy coincidence.

Not now, Jay, I'm having
a shitty night, okay?

Perchance I can offer you an elixir
to ease your troubles, Party Wolf?

"Cotton candy brandy, made
for kids by kids, please help."

Christ, where did this come from?

- Bangkok. A children's prison, actually.
- Ugh!

- What?
- You're the worst.

It's not like they
make it anymore, Jessi.

The jail b*rned down.

[JUD] Psst! Ret*rded f*gg*t, up here.

Leave me alone.

Please, Ret*rded f*gg*t, I'm serious.

I want to tell you something serious.

- What?
- I saw you talking to The Machine.

- Have fun. [LAUGHS]
- What?

- Tallulah Levine, the blowjob machine.
- Come again?

Dude, she loves giving blowjobs.

- I'm proud of you.
- Oh, I thought you hated me.

I don't hate you. You're my brother.

I just want the world to burn

and for you to get
your little dinger wet.

Hold on, wait.

[ELLIOT] To Nicky and
his first oral adventure.

Whether he's ready or
not, that girl is lucky

to have his cute little
baby dinger in her mouth.

- Mm-hmm. Or wherever it ends up.
- Okay, that's enough.

And it's not that little.

- Oh, is it?
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Andrew. Thank God, I
need to talk to you.

- Nick, are you drunk?
- Psst!

You see that girl over there?

She's a ninth grade blowjob machine.

- What are you guys talking about?
- Oh, Missy's here.

- Hi, Nick.
- Terrific.

Uh, don't worry about me,
I'm gonna go mingle now.

Okay. Guy talk talk.

I have some concerns about my dinger.

- The, you know, area...
- Okay, yeah, Nick.

- ... where my d*ck is.
- I get it, I get it.

But I really shouldn't leave
Missy alone at this party.

I mean, she's talking to a pineapple.

So, how'd you get your
hair to do that? [CHUCKLES]

Hmm. Well, no, no, no, no.

- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- Duke. Duke, I...

Nickelback. [LAUGHS]

Saw that party downstairs

and figured old Duke
should have one of his own.

- I see that.
- Nick Birch, this is Picasso.

Whitney Houston, what's up baby?

And over there Prince and
Liz Taylor and Richard Burton.

They were married, it's
a f*cking mess. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Prince, I'm so sad that you d*ed.

- Hey, what about us?
- We're all dead here.

♪ All dead ♪
♪ Oh! ♪

- Be gone.
- b*at it, kid.

All right, fine, I'll leave.

It's just there's this
girl that gives blowjobs.

- Actually, stay for a sec.
- ♪ Yeah ♪

- Tell Prince your problems.
- Her name is Tallulah Levine

and they say she's a blowjob machine.

- And when she goes down...
- All the boys in the town...

- Give her a mouthful of cream.
- [LAUGHING]

All right. Calm down, you swine.

What's the problem, dear?

Miss Taylor, I'm not gonna lie.

My d*ck is maybe not
everything it could be.

Well, it's not the size of the wave,

it's the grace of your base
and the spasm in her chasm.

Y también, my d*ck is
a triangle. It is over here.

This is why I invented Cubism,

so I could be like,
"Ooh, shapes are cool."

Whip it out, darling. Let's have a look.

Show us that d*ck of yours, Nick.

♪ Let us see your d*ck ♪

Hold on, is this appropriate?

Of course, we're ghosts.

♪ Let us see your d*ck, oh! ♪

Well, if the incomparable
Ms. Whitney Houston

wants to see my penis...

¿Dónde está el pipi?

Did you shave? Is that ornamental?

The boy just hasn't hit puberty yet.

It's like a gold button
on a prep school blazer.

Do you think it's too
small for Tallulah Levine?

Does she have a gap between
her two front teeth? [LAUGHS]

Because then it might work out fine.

Okay. Ha ha. Well, you're all dead.

And you got a little d*ck.

♪ Your d*ck looks
like a baby's nose ♪

Uh, this is Jud's room. Keep
your distance from that. Oh!

Wowzy-wow!

Posters of Paris and Hamilton?

- Whose room is this?
- Oh, this?

[SNIFFS]

Yeah, this is Leah's room.

This is definitely the
room where it happens.

I bet she has a really nice closet.

Yeah, I don't... I don't know,

I don't know what her
clothes smell like.

I do. [CHUCKLES]

Oh, Andrew, have you ever
heard of this, uh, this game

called Seven Minutes In Heaven?

- [ALARM BLARES]
- Holy sh*t, it's happening.

It's go time, this is not a drill.

Uh, Missy's being quite forward.

- What's gotten into her?
- [CHUCKLING]

This boy's a tall lumpy, dumpy
drink of water and we are thirsty.

Well, my mouth is dry.

It's probably from the nerves.

Hush, puppy. Less talk, more closet.

Well, look who it is. Nick Birch.

Well, look who it is
to you, Tallulah Levine.

[LAUGHS] Oh, using
my full name, are you?

Oh, I am indeed 'cause
I am flirting with you.

- Are you really?
- I are. Oh...

So, okay. I... I think
you're so cool and so pretty

but I... I just can't do that
thing that you want to do.

- What thing?
- You know, your... your passion?

My passion? What are you talking about?

Tallulah, I can't let
you give me a blowjob.

- I'm so sorry.
- What?

What makes you think I
want to give you a blowjob?

Your nickname.

Oh, go f*ck yourself.

[SCOFFS] I hook up with a guy
once and he tells his friends

I gave him a blowjob,
which by the way, I didn't.

And all of a sudden, I'm The Machine?

Oh, man, I'm sorry.

That's all I wanted, just to
make out. I'm stupid, remember?

Yeah. Nick, you are stupid.

[JUD] Well, you really f*cked that up.

- Shut up, you're a picture.
- No, I'm not, I'm in the wall.

See?

Okay. Seven minutes.

- Hey, are you setting a timer?
- Starting now.

- Maury.
- Connie.

A word?

So what are we talking about here?

Kiss with tongue, under
the shirt, over the bra?

What does your client know how to do?

Oh, my client, he
knows... he knows nothing.

It should be noted that my client
also has no idea what she's doing.

So I don't... I don't
know what I'm doing.

Me neither.

[CLINK]

Well done. Another
first kiss in the books.

Mmm. Nothing like a first kiss.

- Do you remember ours?
- Oh, don't, Maury.

It was Pangaea, the dinosaurs had
just flown away in their spaceship.

We had the whole planet
to ourselves, didn't we?

Although, if memory serves, we did
make a few woolly mammoths blush.

[CHUCKLING]

- It's good to see you, Connie.
- It's good to smell you.

[GROWLING AND SNARLING]

- [MISSY] Mmm...
- Oh, sweet Jesus.

- Whoa, okay.
- What?

Hi.

What happened? Why'd your
damn client pull away?

The kid was gonna paint
the inside of his pants.

- I'm sorry. I... I didn't mean to...
- No, no, I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have pushed my
mons pubis right up against you.

- Your mom's what?
- It's the region right above my...

Uh, well, darn it, forget it.

You push too hard,
you got no boundaries.

That's right, Maury, I can't be tamed.

I never wanted to tame you.

I just wanted to keep a toothbrush

and a few spare dicks at your apartment.

Oh, Connie.

I think maybe we should
go back to the party.

Well, we have two minutes left.

We could accomplish
quite a lot in that time.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [GASPS] Shh!

- [MUTTERING, INDISTINCT]
- Yeah, okay.

[WHISPERS] Whoa, that's Leah.

- And who's that guy?
- I don't know.

The only person I met
was that pineapple.

Nicky, don't you think
you've had enough to drink?

Lay off, Diane.

- Who are you talking to?
- Who are you talking to?

- Uh, are you drunk right now?
- Come here, I'll tell you.

- I'm here.
- None of your f*cking business.

- [GROANS]
- [LAUGHS]

What's up, chicken butt?

Nothing, just, you know, my
parents are officially the worst.

Oh, here's a cool tidbit, my
dad smokes weed all the time.

Well, your mom's not perfect either.

What?

- Nothing.
- That's a very weird thing to say.

Ye... yeah, you're right.

I mean, don't even listen to me.

I don't even know
what I'm talking about.

- No, why did you say that?
- Why did I say what?

- Tell me. Tell me, Nick.
- [SIGHS]

When Andrew and I were in
the city, we saw this hat

and then it kissed your mom,
and then the hat was a woman.

- What?
- I couldn't be clearer, Jessi.

Your mom kissed a woman and
the woman wasn't your dad.

Are you serious?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Jessi.

Wait a minute, you guys went to
the city, like, two weeks ago.

- Who's keeping calendar?
- I am keeping calendar.

You never told me you saw
my mom cheating on my dad.

- You suck.
- [GROANS] I'm sorry, Jessi.

You are a bad friend.

Oh, f*ck. Me and my big mouth.

[BURPS]

Big Mouth, that's
the show, that's the show.

Hey you, and you at home on
the elliptical watching this,

I see you.

Don't you say a f*cking word.

[LAUGHING]

We should get out of here.

If we walk out now,
it'll look totally weird.

Well, let's just not watch.

Okay. Not watching.

[MOANING]

- What's he doing?
- Ooh.

Mm-mmm. Oh, no, no, no, no. Let's
just... just keep doing this.

Mmm... mm-mmm. Uh...

- Hey, he's doing it again.
- Don't be afraid.

- Mm-mmm. Oh, Daniel. Daniel, stop.
- What?

I think I made it clear
I didn't want to do that.

God, you're really tangled
and not sexually, huh?

- Excuse me?
- Why are you being so weird?

- Wow. You know what?
- Come on, what's your problem?

This is my room but I'm out of here.

- I have blue balls. That's as*ault.
- [LEAH GROANS]

- That was...
- Awful.

[GULPS] Ooh!

Hot daddy. [COUGHS]

That is sweet stuff.

- Hit me again.
- Are you sure?

Yeah. What's the point of any of this?

- It's all bullshit anyway.
- Yeah. It is bullshit.

My family sucks.

My family sucks, too.

Party Wolf.

Yeah.

The hormones in this house are
going bananas cream pudding.

Maury. Maury!

I changed my mind.

Oh, my God. What happened up
there, that was so messed up.

I know. I'm sorry. I crossed a line.

What? No, not you.

That guy, trying to get Leah
to su... su... do something.

We're all a little
out of control tonight.

Hey, Maury. You can keep
your dicks at my apartment.

I'll give you your own d*ck drawer.

Ow! f*ck you, coffee table.

[KISSING AND MOANING]

Wow. You taste so much
better than my bath mat.

[GROANS] I think I'm gonna be sick.

And I don't get any toenail
clippings after we...

[RETCHING]

Oh, my God.

- I'm so sorry.
- Meh, no biggie.

Oh, what's this? There's more? Wow!

- Oh, my goodness.
- [CHUCKLES]

You always just have a string of
scarves hidden in your clothes?

Yeah, you never know when
someone's gonna barf brandy on you.

Thank you for being so cool about this.

Are you kidding? I'm just
so jazzed you tongued me.

This was a one-time thing, okay?

- Oh, Jessi, I promise.
- Never to be discussed again.

- I'm only gonna tell my brothers.
- Never discussed again.

Yeah, okay, got it! Nobody.

[HOWLS]

Party Wolf got Frenched.

[SIPPING]

Hey, there you are.

- Are you drinking coffee?
- Sort of.

I didn't know how to make it,

so I just stirred up coffee
grounds into warm water.

It's actually... it's not bad.

Nick, listen.

Your sister was upstairs
with some guy in a beanie hat.

Oh, that's Daniel. Leah likes him.

- Not anymore.
- Yeah. Never again.

He was really aggressive.

He tried to force her to do
something she did not want to do.

You guys are crazy. Daniel's the man.

Friends, Romans, tech people,

lend me your best impressions
for a game of celebrity.

See, there's nothing cooler
than a person who's always on.

- Janet Jackson.
- Madonna.

- Barack Obama.
- Beyoncé.

- [GIRL] Beyoncé!
- Nick, love Queen Bey.

Who run the world? Girls.

- Yeah. All right.
- [CHUCKLES]

Hey. My turn.

[CHUCKLES] All right. Our
fabulous hostess, come on down.

Thank you, Daniel. [SIGHS]

- Okay.
- [BOY] Ooh, ooh!

- You're making out with somebody.
- Kissing someone.

Ooh, ooh! Barack Obama.

[BOY] And you're pushing someone's...

- Coach Steve eating a sandwich.
- [MISSY] You're praying?

You're praying to
Mecca, you're a Muslim.

- Barack Hussein Obama.
- [GIRL] Someone kissing another person.

- [JAY] Is it Party Wolf?
- Daniel, you're doing Daniel.

Wait, what? That's not me.

Actually, that is so you.

How is that Daniel?

- He's a head pusher.
- He's a head pusher.

- He did a head push.
- Head push?

[SEINFELD THEME PLAYS]

What is a head push?

It's when a man pushes a woman's
head to try to get a blowjob.

Wait, that's a move?

Not a fan of the head push.

All my life I've been waiting
for them to go down there.

- I didn't know you could do a push.
- You can't push.

No push. I'm not pushing, baby.

[APPLAUSE TRACK]

Nick, I need to borrow your car.

Okay, hold on.

You're making it sound like
I assaulted you or something.

- You tried to push my head down.
- I made a suggestion.

Oh, yeah, and when I
didn't take your suggestion,

- you did it again.
- Come on.

I wish women were more sex positive,
but we're just not there yet.

- What?
- Guys have to take the lead.

I mean, come on. How else are
guys supposed to get blowjobs?

You lean your head back,
arch your crotch in the air

and say, "Dinner is served."

Well, crazy idea.

You could wait for a girl to
want to go down on you.

Come on, that's not happening.
Am I right? Party Wolf?

Or how about asking?

Oh, good Lord, no.

That sounds like the most
embarrassing conversation ever.

- Well then, you don't get a blowjob.
- Okay, yeah.

As long as no one has to talk
about it, I'm fine with that.

Or you could go down on her.
Pleasure begets pleasure.

Just don't pressure
people. It's not cool.

Fine, I confess. I assaulted
Andrew in the closet.

- I'm a mons pusher.
- Mons pusher?

- Mons?
- A mons?

[SEINFELD THEME PLAYS]

Tell me something. What
exactly is a mons?

The mons pubis? Oh.

It's the, uh, the welcome
mat to the pleasure palace.

I mean, let's be honest,
who doesn't love the mons?

Very big on the mons, baby.

[APPLAUSE TRACK]

- Well, your car is full of bees.
- [LAUGH TRACK PLAYS]

I hope the irony of this
isn't lost on all of you.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

[LAUGHS]

This is a witch hunt, just
like The Cruise-ible.

All I wanted was a blowjob
at a high school party.

Is that such a crime?

Hey, only I get to quote
my dad's law commercials.

Look, nobody cherishes
women more than I do.

Oh, yeah. You cherish them so much

that when a girl doesn't give you a
blowjob, you tell everyone she did.

Daniel, you've been a
busy little assh*le, huh?

Hold on, he's the one?

Well, this was
a real teachable moment

and now it's become something so ugly.

If you're looking for
something to blame here,

and I'm backing out of the
room, it's party culture.

Okay, you're officially
the worst person.

You're slut shaming me. Shame on you.

Wait, Daniel.

Finally. Someone who
gets it. Preach, big man.

Oh, I'm not big. I'm very little,

and I've been drinking
cotton candy brandy

and I think coffee
grounds all night long,

and I just want you to know, Daniel...

[RETCHING]

[COUGHS, RETCHES]

[COUGHS]

Uh, Leah, would you
give Daniel back his hat?

- Thanks, Nicky.
- Leah, you're better than this.

No. I'm really not.

Oh, my God.

- Here you go, man.
- Uh...

[WHISPERS] Party Wolf. [HOWLS]

I kind of wish we had just
gone to see Carpet Ceiling.

- You know that's not a real movie, right?
- I know.

Missy, you really didn't do
anything wrong in that closet.

You're being very sweet, but I'm
a danger to myself and others.

- [CAR APPROACHES, HORN HONKS]
- It was me, I...

- My parents.
- Missy...

Prompt as usual.

- Oh...
- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]

Maury, why is this all so complicated?

I know I'm a broken record on
this but Mercury is in retrograde.

Enough with the astrology.

Spoken like a two-faced f*cking Gemini.

Anyway, I'll always
be here for you, buddy.

There you are, Maury.

- Let's go to my place, huh?
- One sec, baby.

Hey, man, I got a medical
emergency so I got to bounce.

Jack off twice and
page me in the morning.

- Come on, boys.
- [SQUEAKING]

Bye, head pusher.

- [HISSING]
- A pox on this party.

- Wow, Jud, you slashed Daniel's tires?
- What are you talking about?

- Didn't you just...
- Who's Daniel?

[HISSING]

Okay. I'll take it.

[SEINFELD THEME PLAYS]

So, did you guys hear the news?

- What news?
- Daniel is... [POPS LIPS] dead.

He's dead?

- Dead.
- What happened?

The cotton candy brandy
seeped into his brain,

he got a tumor, two weeks
later... [GUTTURAL GRUNT]

- Dead.
- Oh, so, when's the funeral?

It was supposed to be
tomorrow but it got pushed.

- [SEINFELD THEME PLAYING]
- [APPLAUSE]
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