No, no, no, no, no, no!
No carnations, no baby's breath!
This is my sister's wedding, not a hoedown.
Now, go, fix!
(COMPLAINS IN FOREIGN DIALOGUE)
Hey, hey, hey! You're a guest in this country!
Oh, great. Champagne, red, white.
Champagne, red, white. Perfect.
Go, bar, mix! Go, go, go, go!
Where's the cake? Where's the cake?
Cake! Where's the frickin' cake?
Oh, thank God.
What's this?
Dana's wedding cake. Bye.
Stop!
"Ron and John forever"?
Andy, what happened to the cake I ordered?
Okay, Cheryl, here's the thing.
Jim and I were on our way to the bakery
when we saw a giant, inflatable gorilla on the roof of TV World.
Tell me you didn't go in.
Cheryl, a giant gorilla with arms that went like this.
The cake!
It's right here. Andy?
All right. All the other bakeries were closed
except for this all-night joint in Boystown.
Turns out, John and Ron weren't really forever.
It's okay. It's okay.
I can fix this.
Back off!
Move!
Look, Mommy! Daddy bought us ice cream!
(GASPS)
Oh, no!
Look at your wedding clothes.
Oh, you're a mess.
Well, we're just gonna have to get you cleaned up.
There we go.
Oh, whoops.
Okay, now, your daddy is a very good man.
For the rest of the wedding,
I need you to pretend he's a stranger,
and if you see him, run.
Hey, kids!
(SCREAMING)
What was that?
(GASPS)
Oh, honey, you look so beautiful!
It's just like my own wedding.
Except I'm marrying somebody good.
Trust me.
If he's marrying you, there's something wrong with him.
Oh.
You ready?
Yes. Okay. (SIGHS)
Hey, check it out, a ship in a bottle.
(GASPS) (GASPS)
Jim!
You've ruined my wedding! I'm gonna k*ll you!
Don't worry, I'm prepared for every situation.
We'll k*ll him later.
(MACHINE SEWING)
There you go.
Perfect, just like I promised.
Now, breathe.
(INHALES)
Okay.
That's weird.
Somebody left an open bottle of black ink.
Check it out.
BOTH: Back off!
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
in the sight of God and this company...
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's go to the "I dos."
Come on, cut to it. Let's go.
Jim! What are you doing?
Trying to save us bucks,
but we gotta be out of here by : .
It's : now.
Uh-oh.
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)
(SCREAMING)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Another nightmare about the wedding?
All my fault?
Oh, yeah.
Good night. Good night.
JIM: Oh, baby!
What do you mean you only have three-quarter length tablecloth?
I specifically asked for full-length tablecloth.
That's it! My weddings ruined!
We should cancel the videographer.
Really? No!
You don't want to spend the rest of your life
looking at that train wreck.
Mom, I am on it.
Yeah. Corey, is it?
Listen. This is my sister's wedding day,
and it's gonna be perfect,
so there will be full-length tablecloths
if I have to pull them out of your manager's butt!
There's that can-do spirit.
Oh, wedding not ruined! Crisis averted!
Oh, you know, the focus on the little details,
that's where you women go wrong.
'Cause at the end of the day, all that matters is that the bride and groom get married.
Jim! Women live for weddings.
It's our World Series, our Super Bowl.
Yeah, I mean, if men planned them, they'd all be barbecues,
and the bride would roller-skate down the aisle in Daisy Dukes.
(TELEPHONE RINGS)
Talk to me.
What?
No, no, no, no, no. That's too late.
That's it! The wedding's ruined!
All right, fine. You know what? I'll pick it up myself.
We are not using you for her next wedding.
You bet we're not!
Hey.
A little snafu.
We have to pick up the wedding cake on the way to the hotel.
No, no. We have to pick up the reverend from the airport on the way to the hotel.
We're double-booked!
The dream is dead! The dream is dead!
Well, maybe Jim can pick up the reverend.
BOTH: No!
Why not?
Oh, honey, look at you.
One gray sock, one blue sock.
And that's you trying.
I'm sorry.
Maybe I was in a hurry to go out and make a living.
Honey, I can't trust you with something this important.
Oh, right, I'm only a man.
Therefore, I'm simple.
It was only a simple man who came up
with the big bridges and the skyscrapers of the world.
Oh, honey. No, honey, you're right.
All we simpletons did was put a robot on the surface of Mars.
And we defeated a little scourge called communism.
Hey, if I'm not mistaken,
I think it was a man who picked up a pen and started writing when
God first spoke.
So when a woman says to me that I can't be trusted
to pick someone up at the airport,
I think she's probably right.
Good, we're agreed.
Hey. Oh, Andy, good. Let me see your socks.
Matching, excellent. I need you to pick up Reverend Hill at the airport.
Abso-tutely!
You're gonna let him go?
That's right.
He may be an idiot, but he knows if he screws this up, he's a dead man.
Straight to the airport, then straight to the hotel.
(CHUCKLING) You two don't scare me.
Andrew!
Holy sh... She's here!
Mom!
Great!
Yeah, okay, I'll go to the airport.
Jim, want to come? No!
He's gonna stay here and complete his task
which is to find matching socks.
Kids, let's go!
Okay, well, we'll see you boys at the wedding.
All right, Mom.
Oh, Andy, remember...
There's gonna be lots of single girls there.
Now, don't waste your time going for the gold.
Focus in on the bronze.
Or anything that's fertile.
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
All right, I guess I better leave if I'm gonna get everything done,
then get to the wedding before all the bottom-feeders have been picked over.
Hold on, hold on. I'll go with you.
The airport's right next to the jobsite,
and although I was bragging about how great men are,
I forgot my tux and shoes in the trailer.
Yeah, I don't think so, Jim. You heard Cheryl.
For just today, the Andy man would like to live his vida without the loca.
What is with you sweating all the details just like a woman?
(LAUGHS) Not gonna work, Jim.
You are a woman. You wear women's underwear!
My tux pants are snug. I don't want a panty line!
Fine, get in the car. Not a word on the way.
Nothing left to say.
This will be the finest bank in town.
Notice, Reverend, the intricate stonework here in the archway.
We found actual descendents of the Maya to do the masonry.
Really? Oh, yeah, yeah.
They were master stonemasons until they were all but wiped out by...
You know, guys like you.
All right, I got the tux. We got the shoes. We got the rev.
Let's go.
Before we go, I've got to use the bathroom.
Oh, oh, oh, Father, I wouldn't use that one.
You know, it gets a little ripe on a warm day.
We have a wedding to go to.
He can use my juice bottle in the car.
It'll take just a second.
Well, why don't you use the nice bathroom in the building?
Wait, wait, wait. Please.
You're my responsibility. Please, wear a hard hat.
I'll be fine. I brought my own protection.
All right. Hey, Willie, how you doing?
Terrible. Right over there.
In my country, I was a doctor.
Oh!
Willie, wait! Watch out!
Watch out, Willie. That way.
Father, are you all right?
Yes. Yes, I'm fine.
You said something about a hard hat?
I got one here in the back of Andy's car.
Sorry about that. Whew.
That was close. Cheryl would have had my boys in a blender, huh?
(THUMP)
That was the sound of a holy man's head hitting metal, wasn't it?
We're gonna need a doctor. Willie!
Oh, I'm so sorry, Father.
It appears to be a minor concussion,
but we should take him to the hospital for observation.
I concur.
You know,
you might want to load up the old meat wagon with extra B-positive.
There's a good chance you'll be pulling a cake Kn*fe out of my neck later today.
Well, I'm off after this run, so it'll probably be Randall.
What are you, nuts? That's great. That's just great.
Just settle down.
Oh, settle down? Settle down.
Jim, we have a bride, we have a groom,
we have their entire families, and no minister.
Tell me, Jim, is this one of the little details
I shouldn't be sweating, 'cause I'm sweatin', baby!
How many times have I told you not to call me "baby" In front of the men?
I kind of overhead your conversation 'cause you were yelling.
Yes, Kenny?
You need a reverend, baby?
See... See what you just did? He called me "baby."
He called me "baby"!
Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, you know how to get a reverend?
No, but my uncle's a reverend, so he might know.
Oh, I know. I'll just get my uncle.
Yes.
That would be good, Kenny. That would be good.
Can you get him to the Drake Hotel in, like, minutes?
Yeah, sure.
If I'm early, should I just drive around until it's minutes?
Sure. Sure.
And the minutes it takes you to get your uncle to the hotel,
you can make up for on Sunday.
Great, thanks. Yeah, you're welcome.
(ORGAN MUSIC PLAYING)
He's not here. He's not here.
He's not going to show.
That Kenny.
You know what I'm going to do? I'm gonna take his health insurance away from him.
He doesn't have health insurance.
Well, I'm gonna give him health insurance, then I'm going to take it away.
Would either of you be Jim or Andy?
You must be Kenny's uncle.
Thank God. I'm the Reverend Steven.
Kenny speaks so highly of you.
One day, he told me... Yeah, yeah, yeah...
He's like a son to us. Let's go, come on.
Ahem.
Whoa! Lookie, lookie, lookie.
Doesn't she make a beautiful bride?
Oh, yeah.
She's almost everything I could hope for in a daughter.
Ryan's a very lucky man.
Thank you, guys.
I love you.
I love you, too.
Damn, here come the tears.
Now I'm going to have to redo my makeup.
You wear women's panties and makeup?
There's going to be a lot of pictures. I don't want to look splotchy.
Oh, it's my fault.
When I let him dance around in my clothes, he just looked so cute.
Jim? Jim?
Who's that at the altar? That's not Reverend Hill.
Oh, oh, oh. Easy, easy.
I forgot to tell you something very important.
Reverend Hill's wife called earlier
and said he was very sick, and he's not gonna make it.
He's sick? Yes, he's got a very, very high fever,
so if he calls in the next couple days,
probably what he is going to say won't make any sense.
Well, then, who is that?
That's Reverend Steven.
Replacement found, problem solved.
You're welcome, wedding saved.
You guys, I don't know if this is such a good idea.
Maybe this is a bad omen.
No, no, no. Dana, honey...
Now, this wedding is listed in my condo newsletter,
and I want to score time in the Jacuzzi,
so please get out there.
I'm just saying maybe we should wait
until Reverend Hill is well enough to marry us.
Jim...
What's the difference?
They're both selling the same thing.
Look, all that matters is at the end of the day, you're married.
You know what, honey? Honey, he's right.
And he must really be right 'cause I hardly ever say it.
That's true.
You got a beautiful banquet room.
You got a reverend.
You got an open bar?
Oh, God, yes. Open bar!
It's a great day for a wedding. Come on, baby.
Okay! All right!
Let's do it!
Okay!
Oh, honey. Oh, thank you.
You know, problems arise, I fix them.
I mean, that's what men do.
Oh, honey, that's great.
Now, zip up and let's go.
(ZIPPER CLOSING)
Hello, I'm Andy.
Haven't I seen you some place before? You look familiar.
Maybe, in my dreams?
Family portrait. I'm your cousin.
First or second?
Second.
I'll talk to you later.
Hey, Reverend, thank you so much
for squeezing us in on such short notice.
You saved our butts.
Well, you know, you're very lucky.
A few months ago, you couldn't have got me.
And I have more time since I broke with the church.
But they took you back, right?
Hell, no! I told 'em, "Kiss my ass!"
Then I started my own religion.
Own religion, you say?
Oh, it was a glorious day.
I was meditating naked in the woods, and then
an angel appeared before me disguised as a bear.
Okeydoke.
And the bear spoke to me.
Through a series of snorts and growls, our souls connected.
And then he batted me about like a toy,
and when I came to, he revealed me the true path.
Yeah...
Is the state of Illinois cool with this?
No. No, they laughed at me.
The bear said they would.
So, if you married a couple,
legally, they would not be married?
That's totally up to the bear. I'm only a vessel.
So I guess this is it, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah...
Hello, who are you?
I'm the groom. Who are you?
Who am I,
or who was I?
Wow, that's a deep thought.
You know what? I'm going to go write that down.
When you say, "Who am I?"
Do not talk to the reverend while I'm gone, okay?
It's really bad luck.
I did it, and my marriage only lasted a day.
Andy, Andy...
Aren't you going to walk me to my seat?
Front row, left, right side. Go!
Andy, what are you doing out here?
I need to talk to Jim just for a second.
No, no, no, no, no!
We're about to start! Wait, wait, wait!
Dana, you got a hair out of place.
Oh, my God! Cheryl, hair spray, hair spray!
What? What? What?
We got big problems with this reverend.
He talks to bears.
He knows the Bears? Can he get tickets?
Not those bears. Real ones, man.
He's out there wandering around in the woods, having visions, baby.
I mean, this cat is nuts.
So what?
No, he has no license. The marriage won't be legal.
Andy, sweetie, I really need you to take your place
up on the altar.
Just a second, doll. Move!
Got any bright ideas?
Yeah, one...
But I don't want to start a fire with the kids here.
(WEDDING MARCH PLAYING)
Jim, pick it up a little, will you?
What's the hurry?
Come on. It gives us the chance to talk a little bit.
Jim, this is not talking time. This is marrying time.
Yeah, that's what I want to talk to you about.
(MOUTHING) Jim!
You know, you think, uh...
(WHISPERING) Ryan is really right for you?
Of course I'm sure. I love him. He's my world.
Come on, we're all chasing that carrot, Dana.
I've been married to Cheryl for years.
I've squeezed maybe good minutes out of her, tops.
Come on, Jim.
What the hell's wrong with you?
This is my frickin' wedding day.
I think you should wait till Reverend Hill gets better.
I think that would be better for you.
I just want to make sure that you're sure.
I am sure.
Now, come on. Knock it off. We're running out of song.
Take her.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
to join this man and this woman
in the bonds of holy matrimony.
Holy matrimony is an honorable...
(WHISPERING) So wrong.
So very wrong.
(MOUTHING) Jim!
I can't believe that we're married!
I know.
Fix your tie! Don't nag me!
Did you ever stand naked in a stream and let the little fishes nibble at you?
Every man should know that kind of clean.
And every fish should know that kind of crazy.
Here's your cash, Reverend.
Thank you very much.
Now, scram, all right? Use the back door.
Oh, Reverend Steven.
Oh, I'm so glad I caught you.
It was such a lovely ceremony.
We wanted to invite you to stay for the reception.
Well, I...
No, he's got to run. See ya.
Andy, stop it!
Reverend, I insist.
Well, I guess I could if there's a seat next to a window.
Oh.
You know, I don't think there are any windows in the banquet room.
Oh, well, then thank you, but no.
I need a constant view of the outdoors
in order to receive my visions.
Your visions?
I don't get it.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
Why would you? You're not a bear.
Yeah, Cheryl.
You're not a bear.
Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!
Cheryl, I feel like you're a little upset.
Were you ever going to tell them?
Of course, I was going to tell them.
When they got back from their honeymoon.
I thought it would be a good, little, funny story for their friends.
Yeah. Yeah, kind of like, "Hey, remember that time we thought we were married,
"but we weren't, and I was so sad, it was such a mess,
"I thought about k*lling myself"?
What is funny about that story?
You didn't let me finish.
"...Then we got married again." (LAUGHS)
They want to conceive on their honeymoon.
Knowing Dana, they are probably in the coat room right now.
God, my good coat's in there.
Jim, what have we done?
Ryan's a fertility doctor. He knows shortcuts.
Okay. They cannot leave here without being married.
What we need is a reverend, legal and sane.
What do you want me to do, Cheryl? You want me to just pull one out of thin air?
No, but I may be able to pull one out of my ass.
My trusty PDA to the rescue.
I had a friend from my sci-fi film club,
went on-line and became an ordained starship chaplain.
Took him like five minutes.
Andy, we've had crazy. We need legal.
Oh, guys, it's perfectly legal, no.
He married a Klingon to a Romulan.
Now, a lot of people are against mixed marriages,
but I say that's what the Federation's all about.
Would you shut up? Okay, you want to go?
'Cause I'm just trying to help.
Okay, okay! Cheryl, come on! Calm down!
(EXCLAIMS)
Hey, take a seat!
Come on, just find that website.
Thank you. She scares me.
Oh, no, on the computer again.
That is why you never meet any women.
Kind of the middle of something here, Mom.
I just met a girl who is a finalist for Extreme Makeover.
Now, her name is Denise. Now, go on.
Just go talk to her.
You want her to like you before she gets pretty
and all puffed-up with self-esteem.
Come on.
Here. Stay out of my favorites.
Well, I guess I'm gonna become a minister of the Church of Eternal Life.
Hey, look at this.
For three extra bucks, I can become an archbishop.
Oh, great, go for it.
Oh.
What am I gonna tell Dana and Ryan?
"The bad news is you're not married, but...
"The good news is Jim's an archbishop."
You know what, Cheryl?
What if we can get them married without them knowing?
How are you gonna do that?
Hold on.
I'm getting the germ of an idea.
Doesn't all this scheming exhaust you?
At the beginning, yes.
Now I'm just chasing the high.
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
Easy there, Denise.
Your very attractive overbite is digging into my collarbone.
I can't believe that I'm married. Can you believe it?
No, actually, I can't.
This better work, or I swear to God...
You better watch that tone, Cheryl. I'm a reverend now.
I can send you to hell like that.
Hey, Andy, can I just speak to you for a minute?
Hey, Denise, why don't you waddle over and get us some punch?
(GASPS)
That Extreme Makeover show really has their work cut out for them.
Listen, come here, I want you to talk to the band.
Mommy! What, kids? What, what, what?
I asked a boy to dance and he hit me.
Oh, sweetie. That means he likes you.
Boys are weird.
Just wait.
(UPBEAT BLUES MUSIC PLAYING)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Ryan and Dana's wedding.
We'd like to dedicate this next song
to the lovely bride and groom.
(ALL CHEERING)
♪ Well, Andy, he likes eating pie in a bathtub
♪ Oh, yeah!
♪ And get down and getting in a back rub
♪ You know me! ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ I do ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ I do, I do
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ "I do"
♪ Well, Tony, he likes sleeping in on Sunday
♪ You got that right
♪ And calling in sick on Monday
♪ Yes, brother ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ I do ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ I do
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ "I do"
♪ Hey, Dana, you like clothes and fancy cars
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ And do you take Ryan to be your lawful, wedded husband?
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do" ♪
(MUSIC STOPS)
Say, "I do."
I do.
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
♪ And Ryan do you take Dana to be your lawfully wedded wife
♪ To have and hold, for richer or poorer
♪ For as long as you shall live
♪ Say, "I do" Sure!
♪ Say, "I do" ♪ Sure!
(MUSIC STOPS) Say, "I do."
I do.
♪ By the power vested in me by the Church of Eternal life
♪ I now pronounce you both man and wife
♪ May you live In eternal bliss
♪ And seal your love with a kiss
♪ Say, "I do" ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do" ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do" ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do" ♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do" (EXCLAIMING)
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ Say, "I do"
♪ I do ♪ I do
Yeah, come on, you do! I know you do!
♪ I do ♪ I do
I love you, baby! I do!
♪ I do, I do, I do ♪
Now go make some babies!
(ALL CHEERING)
(JAZZ MUSIC RESUMES)
Can I have this dance?
I can't believe you pulled it off.
It is the end of the day, and they're indeed married.
I'm a man of God now.
I can work miracles.
While I'm in the marrying mood, do you take adorable me
to be your husband again?
Cheryl!
I'm thinkin'.
Didn't you read the fine print in that website?
I'm allowed to have two wives.
Good. Can the other one clean?
(LAUGHS)