Oh-ho-ho.
(Snores)
♪♪♪
All right, come on. Close for mama.
You are never gonna get that zipped up.
Dana, I've gotten jim into his church pants
For the last five years.
Aah! Ha!
All right, baby, go put that by the door
So it's ready for your first day of school tomorrow.
It's too heavy.
All right, here you go. Ready?
And... Go!
Okay, girls, come on.
I'll help you pick out cute outfits
For the boys tomorrow.
I hate boys.
Yeah, I know, but one day you're gonna fall in love,
Get married and live happily ever after just like me.
Will I be just like you, but never shut up about it?
Sorry, gracie, I can't hear you
Over the soundtrack to my perfect life.
Cheryl, cheryl, cheryl, cheryl! What?
Great news!
One of my clients got caught cheating on his wife.
Long story short,
He's meetin' with his divorce lawyer tomorrow,
And I get his tickets to the cubs game!
Oh, no!
Yeah!
God, do they have any kids?
This is the best part. They do!
A son, so there's three tickets.
So andy and I are gonna take kyle
To his first baseball game,
His first cubs game ever, tomorrow!
Well, tomorrow, no, no, jim.
Tomorrow's kyle's first day of kindergarten.
What's he gonna learn, how to take a nap?
I've been homeschooling him in that since birth.
No, no, the first day of school
Is when they learn what's expected of them
And everybody pairs off with their new little friends.
It's very important that he be there.
Come on!
It's not more important than a father and son
Going to their first ball game together,
Their first cubs game.
Well, luckily, this is an education issue,
Which makes it my territory.
No, no, no, no, no. This is a cubs issue,
A sports issue.
And according to our wedding vows
And the geneva convention,
That is my territory, young lady.
Oh, honey, why don't you just take him on saturday
When he doesn't even have school?
Cheryl, these are free tickets.
They are front row tickets, right there by the dugout.
Years from now, kyle's gonna be able
To tell his friends he was so close to the dugout,
He could take dusty baker's toothpick
Right out of his mouth!
Yeah, and I'm sure all the other
School-skippin' fry cooks will be duly impressed.
Cheryl, I believe fry cooks are a very important part
Of the shining city on the hill that I like to call america.
Now kyle is going to that game tomorrow,
And that is final.
(Stomps foot)
Veto.
I see.
The veto?
Yeah, that's right. Veto.
Kyle's going to school tomorrow.
Challenge!
Grounds?
You don't have the veto. It's my turn.
No, no, jim.
Last thursday, I said kyle could not pee
In the chuck e. Cheese parking lot.
You said "veto.&Quot;
Now we can't go there anymore,
And the veto reverts to me. Challenge denied.
Curses!
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
I'll drop him off at . You pick him up.
Appeal! Denied.
Uh, filibuster!
Now you're just saying words you heard on the news.
Insurgent!
Oh, look at you.
Your first day of kindergarten.
Are you sure you don't want me to walk you in?
Nope, I'm a big boy now.
Yes, you are.
Aww...
That's it.
Give her a hug.
No tears, otherwise she'll walk you in
And we'll miss the first inning!
Pudding?
No.
Then we'd be two guys in the bushes eating pudding.
Okay.
Have a good day.
I love you.
Wave good-bye.
That's it.
Let her know everything's fine.
No, no, no! Mommy! Not me! Whoa! We're dead!
Okay. Okay, we're safe.
Cheryl didn't see us.
Whew. We almost had a disaster.
Almost? Ants are crawling all through my pudding.
Still pudding.
Hats!
Oh, good morning, jim. How are you?
I'm okay, ms. Crawford.
I'm sorry, was that ms. Crawford or mrs. Crawford?
It's ms. I'm not married.
Oh.
Well, then maybe you could teach me the three r's--
Reading, writing and rrrrr.
Uh, ms. Crawford,
There's been a family emergency,
And I'm gonna have to take kyle out of school.
His aunt is very sick.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Should I have someone pull ruby and gracie
Out of their classes as well?
That's right. Uh, you know them.
Um...
Um, you know, not a good idea.
No.
No, um, no, they were the ones that, um...
That accidentally dropped the hair dryer in the tub.
Yeah, it's a... Very dark day in our family.
Okay, kyle, come on!
Shake a leg!
Come on, kyle.
Thank you so much.
Bye.
Okay, buddy, let's go! We're going to your first game!
That's right, losers! Front row seats!
Hey, hey. Sit down, watch the game. Trying to watch the game.
Mine now.
Yeah, sunny skies, cubs up by three...
I'm here with my son at his first cubs game,
First baseball game ever.
Why, can this day get any better?
I'm gonna be a baseball player when I grow up.
It just got better!
Heads up! I got it!
No, no, no, don't do that! Let him catch it!
Let him catch it! Ow!
Hold on, hold on. Are you all right?
The ball hit my eye!
Let me see, honey.
Ooh.
Uh, here's a nice ice cold beer.
It'll make your eye feel much better.
No, don't drink it!
Put it up against your eye.
Now what am I gonna do?
We're gonna get this baby autographed. Oh, andy...
And you said this day couldn't get any better.
Losers!
Sit down, man! Sit down.
All right, come here. Come here, my boy.
Let's see if that ice helped.
Ooh! Ooh!
Yeah, good luck with that, jim.
Hey, hey! Stay right here.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Look, all we gotta do is walk in there
And do exactly what we talked about,
All right?
Okay.
Look at that-- my son's first cubs game
And his first scheme with his dad.
Oh, boy, they get old fast.
Before you know it, he'll be hittin' a parked car
And not leavin' a note.
Hey!
Hi.
How was your first day at-- (gasps)
Oh, my god, what happened?
I got punched in the eye by a bully.
Aww, baby...
Aww, mama's here.
Okay, andy, why don't you take kyle in the kitchen
And get something colder for his eye?
Like a beer?
A beer?
Cheryl, what are they teaching at that school, huh?
Do not take me down with you, I swear to god.
Mommy will be right in, my brave, sweet little man.
I want blood! Who did that?
The bully.
Ronnie hart?
That's the one!
I knew it. I am calling his mother.
You know, her husband owns a car dealership.
They think they poop sunshine.
Ch-ch-cheryl, I already talked to the mother.
And may I remind you,
Playground battles are my territory.
I don't care! I really feel like-- veto!
You can't veto me.
Yes, I can.
V...
Toe.
Cheryl, if you keep stepping in like this,
The kids are gonna call him a mama's boy,
And it's gonna follow him the rest of his life.
Ask andy.
But... But his little eye...
My veto has spoken.
What's for dinner?
Veggie tacos.
Is that the truth, or are you just saying that
'Cause you want me to switch my veto?
Curses!
Mm-hmm.
Okay, buddy, you know what to say
If anybody asks you about your black eye?
&Quot;you should see the other guy.&Quot;
That's my boy.
Hi. Good morning.
Mmm, durn, girl, it is now.
Ew, there are ants all over the place.
What kind of weird kid eats his pudding in the bushes?
Shh!
That ronnie hart better stay away from my kyle.
What happened to kyle's eye?
Oh, you know what?
When he got the news that his aunt was gonna pull through,
He got all worked up and just ran into a wall.
Yeah, we got a couple of those.
Oh.
Hey, uh, teach, um...
I'm havin' trouble with the alphabet.
I keep trying to put "u" and "i" together.
(Cheryl) hey, hey, jim's leaving.
Ahh! Kyle's talking to that demon spawn ronnie!
Is that a black eye?
You should see the other guy.
Can I look?
Hey, hey!
Hey, get your hands off my kid, buster!
Go!
Cool. Wanna be best friends?
(Cheryl) hey, hey, hey!
Get away from my son, you little monster!
Mommy!
Listen up.
Any one of you touches my little angel,
I'm gonna go book of revelations on all of ya!
Everybody got that?
Cheryl, what are you doing to my son?
Ending his reign of terror, marge.
What are you talking about?
Oh, she's stonewalling you, cheryl.
Oh, oh, is that it? You stonewalling me, lady?
You stonewalling me?
What is going on here? And who is this?
I'm kyle's aunt.
Oh, how are you feeling?
I'm fine, thanks. How are you?
Excuse me!
Why are we not talking about how your son att*cked kyle?
What? What?
Your husband picked kyle up right after drop off
To visit you in the hospital.
What--
Excuse me.
Kyle, honey...
Did daddy take you to a baseball game yesterday?
Is that why you got the black eye?
You should see the other guy.
Hello, my young bride.
You know what, honey? I've been thinking.
You are right.
I think I'll take kyle to the cubs game saturday...
When it's appropriate.
Oh, that's good, honey.
Then maybe another foul ball can hit his other eye.
Curses!
Andy?
No.
Kyle!
No.
Gracie? Ruby?
How would they even know?
I don't know how you know!
I told you not to take kyle to that game.
And you did it anyway!
I made a complete fool out of myself
In front of ronnie's mother and kyle's teacher.
I just-- I am beside myself!
All right, cheryl, look.
I know I don't have a defense here...
Wait a minute.
What were you doing at the school this morning?
Being a responsible parent.
Somebody told me kyle had a bully problem.
Yeah, but that somebody also told you
That the bully problem was handled.
There was no bully problem!
Doesn't matter.
I gave you a veto, and you completely ignored it!
I am beside myself.
Oh...
I specifically told you not to talk to
The bully's mom or the teacher.
You specifically made the whole thing up!
Doesn't matter!
If I made up somebody and you k*lled him,
It would still be m*rder!
And that's not me, cheryl. That's the law talking.
Yeah, well, it sounds like the beer talking.
Oh, what, I can't unwind
With a quick one after work anymore?
You let our son skip his first day of school.
You are gonna make our son into a mama's boy.
No, I am not.
If anything, you're teaching him to be irresponsible.
Come on, he went to one game.
Oh, I just--i can't even talk to you anymore.
I'm leaving.
Challenge!
Grounds?
You stormed out of the room last time.
It's my turn.
Challenge upheld.
(Groans)
Couldn't sleep, huh?
No.
You want a snack?
No.
You want to make me a snack?
(Gasps)
Kyle?
Hey, dad.
Want some eggs?
But you're a figment of my imagination.
Are those eggs real?
Bucks says you'll eat 'em either way.
You win again, imagination.
Wow, these really look good.
Oh, my god. Your mom was right.
You are a fry cook.
No, I just wanted to make my dear old dad some eggs
For getting me front row seats to my first cubs game.
I knew it!
Baseball's the greatest. I'm pretty good at it, too.
Really? Are you in the bigs?
Hey, are you gonna buy me a new house?
Do I have a boat?
Nah, I got cut from my high school team
For skipping practice.
Well, kyle, what did you skip practice for?
'Cause I thought I could get away with it.
You know, I'm good at baseball,
But I'm even better at schemes.
Probably get that from me, huh?
Mmm...
(Woman) but the only hope for our love now is...
Portugal.
(Sobs)
I love this movie.
Kyle?
Yeah, it's me.
You know, I did a term in portugal
Studying for my phd.
(Gasps)
That's 'cause education was my territory.
And now you have a phd.
Oh, no, I don't.
I wrote my thesis,
But you weren't there to defend it for me.
That shouldn't have stopped you.
That's what my advisor said.
(expl*si*n)
Whoa! Oh!
Scary part! Scary part!
Wow.
Is it over?
I really screwed you up, didn't i?
I really screwed you up, didn't i?
No.
You're really fun.
And you taught me about being a guy.
Well, thank you.
But, you know, let's face it.
If all I had was you, I'd be a complete disaster.
Fair enough.
Well, see, most of the time you teach me about responsibility.
And you give me comfort and security to try new things.
Thank you.
But you gotta learn how to let go sometimes.
You know, I really think you and dad should work together.
You balance each other,
Like the chinese principle of yin and yang.
Right. Yeah.
You're like peanut butter and jelly.
Wait a minute. One more time?
Why don't you just go in the living room and talk to mom?
I'm not gonna do that, kyle.
Oh, come on, dad.
For me.
You gonna get these?
Oh, someone will.
That's my boy.
Oh.
Hey.
Hey.
Uh, cheryl, we need to talk.
I know. We do. I was wrong.
Oh.
Well...
Apology accepted.
Please, come on.
Let's just go to bed.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Uh, maybe I might've...
Been a little less than right, too.
Aww, thank you.
Aww.
You know, kyle told me you gave him a beer.
I didn't do it on purpose. Uh-huh.
But you know what?
You give 'em a sip now, they hate it.
When they grow up, they don't want any.
That's what my dad did for me.
All right, working together is probably a good idea.
Yeah.