04x05 - A Very Special 9/11 Episode

[bunniefuu]

Listen up, everybody.

The 9/11 Museum is a serious place,

and I know it's the new thing,

but please, please,

-no gummy arms today.

-[students laughing]

What about gummy chest hair?

Mamma mia, Lumpy likey.

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

♪ Happy birthday to... ♪ [hums]

♪ Happy birthday to me ♪

Oh, my God, Steve!

You were born on September 11th?

Yeah, today.

Can you believe they did a whole museum

for when I dropped out

of my mommy's sweetie?

Okay. So even accepting that

that's what the 9/11 Museum is for,

you really think our whole grade loaded

into a bus

to celebrate your birthday?

I can't tell you,

or my wish won't come true.

My wish is that I tinkled

before the bus ride.

Ooh! My stomach has a headache.

This is Jessi's new boyfriend, I guess.

Oh, Lord!

This guy's sensual and deep.

If I'm Diane Lane, I am cheating

on my mean old husband with this one.

Spray-painting shirtless?

Ugh! So thirsty.

I know. It's like,

ditch the pants already.

What, is he sweating in that picture?

Click on that. Screen-grab it.

Now email it to my secret account,

then delete it from Sent Items. Whatever.

I'm gonna text Jessi.

We should all meet up in the city.

Ugh. If they're forcing us

to meet Michael Angelo,

let's just get it over with.

Yeah! I mean, he'll sit on your chest,

you'll sit on his.

Who cares?

Just send the g*dd*mn picture already.

f*cking send it. Whatever.

[laughs] Hey! Missy got her hair braided.

The new look is tight.

Thanks, Devon!

My head has been throbbing for weeks,

so I actually really needed

the positive reinforcement.

Wow. So cute.

You have Black girl hair now.

I've never really thought of you

as, like, a "Black" Black girl.

Oh, it's cool how you found a way

for a compliment to shake me to my core.

Who the f*ck made this little white bitch

the authority on Blackness?

Let's slit her f*cking throat.

Or, counter idea,

we peel a kiwi and look down

for the rest of the bus ride?

[both moaning, grunting]

-Hey, babe.

-What?

-What's going on?

-What do you mean?

Well, you're not sucking my tongue

like it's gonna cum

like a tiny little d*ck in my mouth,

like you normally do.

I guess, like, 9/11 is a bit

of a hot-button issue for me, and as such,

my mind happens to be elsewhere.

9/11 makes everyone upset.

-It makes me more upset, Jay!

-Okay...

I have a personal connection

to the tragedy.

-I didn't know.

-My mom's ex-boyfriend d*ed in 9/11.

f*ck! Was he in one of the towers?

No, Jay. He was flying one of the planes.

So... he was a pilot?

Kind of. Like, towards the end he was.

Oh. Wait a minute.

["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ Oh, in my life ♪

♪ Oh, ooh, ooh! ♪

[both kissing wetly]

Mmm. You taste like a song.

You taste like, um, tiramisu.

That's my vape pen.

-You know how to vape, right?

-Yeah.

You just put your lips together

and suck until it lights up.

[sighs] Connie, this is a lot.

-Do it.

-Really?

Suck his Juul until it lights up,

and you gotta put your p*ssy

in a USB port.

Put it in a USB port?

I don't know. I don't do computers.

Just suck that electric d*ck.

[inhales, coughs] Smooth.

It feels really good to smoke.

Thank you.

-Oh, sh*t.

-What? What is it?

It's inspiration tugging on my leg again.

[Jessi] Okay.

Oh, my God, he is so f*cking hot.

And as soon as he showed up,

no more Depression Kitty,

no more Anxiety Mosquito,

no more Self-Harm Walrus.

-Who's that?

-Oh, nobody.

Don't worry about it.

But do let me know if you see him.

-[cell phone chimes]

-Ooh, you got a text!

Oh, cool. Nick and Andrew are on the way

to the city.

-[spray can hissing]

-Hey, um... babers.

My friends from home are in town.

-Should we all, like, hang out?

-Eh.

Or is that, like, so dumb?

No, no, it's just, you know,

suburban kids sound very, um...

cola-and-potato-chips-rah-rah-

at-the-baseball-match type of thing.

Yeah,

it's so rah-rah-at-the-baseball-match.

-Totally.

-Yeah.

It's dumb, but I'd still love for them

to just, like, meet you and your art.

Yeah, whatever you want, baby girl.

-Ooh! He called you "baby girl."

-Connie, what the hell are you doing?

-I'm plugging my p*ssy in the USB port.

-Oh, God.

I gotta be careful, though,

'cause when I updated my butthole,

I lost all my contacts.

Wow! So many people here

to celebrate my birthday.

I know. What a great turnout.

Yay!

So you really have no idea

what happened here.

-That's right.

-Do the Twin Towers ring a bell?

Georgetown's Alonzo Mourning

and Dikembe Mutombo?

The Twin Towers is another name

for the World Trade Center.

Shh! Caleb! I'm trying

to f*ck with Coach Steve.

In light of the tragedy

that occurred here,

that seems insensitive at best.

Oh, come on!

9/11 happened before we were even born.

Am I also supposed to care

about Hurricane Katrina or Columbine?

-Yes.

-Relax, I'm just being funny. [chuckles]

No one is laughing.

Now, Steve...

Yes, Matthew.

We're gonna do your birthday cake inside,

so I need you to tell Ms. Benitez

that 9/11 is an inside job.

Okay.

Hey, Ms. B.

I'm supposed to tell you

that cats are inside dogs.

-That's very good, Steve.

-Thank you.

Okay, the teachers seem preoccupied,

so let's get out of here.

Maury, come on. We're leaving.

One sec, I just need to get

one good sh*t of my boys

in front of the reflecting pool.

Hey, guys.

Guys. No gummy arms. Not the place.

-[camera clicks]

-Eleven September.

-Such a tragedy.

-Yes. So much wasted flesh.

Did you forget that we were

fine young cannibals?

It must drive you crazy... [chuckles]

…that you cannot help any of your

beloved characters from where you are.

Wow, you look so great, babe.

I don't wanna look great,

I wanna look upset and sexy,

like Melania.

-Give me the phone. I will do it myself.

-[camera clicks]

-Oh, maybe my old look was more me.

-[clears throat]

-Hey, Missy.

-Oh, hey, Devon.

Look, I'm sorry Devin said that

stupid sh*t about your hair on the bus.

Yeah, it was not, um... 100.

Sure, "100."

It's just that I'm really struggling

with my racial identity right now.

-Uh...

-My mom's white. My dad's Black.

I'm voiced by a white actress

who's 37 years old.

Ugh! It's all very overwhelming.

Yeah, I hear that.

I'm secretly old as hell, but I'm--

Oh! My cousin Lena just invited me

to a Jay-Z party.

What's The Blueprint?

What? Are you kidding me?

The Blueprint is Jay-Z's album

that came out, like, on 9/11.

We gotta go!

I don't know if we should leave the group.

Aka, I'm afraid to leave the group.

No, we gotta go. Come on!

I wanna hang out

with cool Black college kids.

Well, it would be nice to see my cousin.

But, uh... what about, um...

-Devin?

-No, she can't come!

This party's for cool people,

not rank-ass b*tches.

Don't worry, Missy, I got it.

-[Devon] Wow! You look great!

-[camera clicks]

You're, like, way prettier than her.

Yes, I know. Obviously.

Let's go!

Let's go,

while Coach Steven is distracted.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Your clothes look like the woods. So...

-Guys, over here!

-[in New York accent] New York Jessi!

Come on with the Mets, Jets,

Knicks and Rangers already!

[in New York accent] Hey, taxi, take me

to pizza and put a bagel on it!

-All right!

-Stand clear of the closing doors, please!

Hey, babe.

[in sultry voice] Um, hey, babe.

This is, like, Nick and Andrew.

[speaking normally] What is that voice?

-Oh, me, oh, my. Mm!

-Okay.

All right, well, we get it.

She's your girlfriend.

You possess her. [chuckles]

Sorry, some of us are feminists, so...

Time's up! [chuckles]

[mumbles] Be patient, Nick.

Let's watch this play out a little.

Mm. He is pretty yummy, isn't he?

What? No!

And what's with all those stupid pins?

I mean, "Vote" and "Anarchy"? I think

those cancel each other out, right?

Andrew, you should be taking notes.

Oh, don't worry, I'm filming the whole

thing, Impractical Jokers style.

We can get out of here if you

wanna french the life out of our friend.

Sorry, Nick.

It's my bad, bruv.

Can't keep my lips off her, you know?

Yeah, I actually do know.

We made out once, so...

-Brilliant.

-It was pretty brilliant.

So you understand what it's like,

the intoxication of it all.

I mean, she didn't say

it was so intoxicating, but--

Nick, you can butt out right now.

I'm in recovery. I'm not trying

to get intoxicated as much.

-Nick...

-Good for you.

Do I detect an accent,

or are you just British to see me?

[imitates British accent]

Sir Andrew Glouberman.

At your service, my liege.

Hey, what's up with Jessi?

She's smoking and talking all weird

around this poser.

Yeah, who does this delicious

piece of sh*t think he is?

-Did you say "delicious"?

-Yeah!

With his curly, brown hair looking

like cute little popcorn shrimps. Mm!

What are you talking about?

Oh, Nicholas, my bad.

Yeah, he's a poser, is how...

is how you feel.

Yeah, that's how I feel.

Is that how you feel?

Of... of course.

-[inhales]

-Hubba, hubba.

Look at those lips.

Yeah, and check out

them stupid f*ckin' pins on his jacket.

They're not stupid.

One says, "k*ll your television."

That's cool.

But another one says "Comcast."

He's probably making, like, a statement.

What is your problem?

I didn't sleep so good last night.

-My Airbnb's above a Barry's Bootcamp.

-Okay.

I heard a marketing executive blow out

her knee this morning doing lunges.

-So?

-Then they sh*t her, Jessi!

Alison is dead!

But I'll try to do better

with your Michael Angelo situation.

Holy Scott Foley, I can't believe

we're being so Whiskey Cavalier

about sneaking away from a field trip!

[laughs] I'm gonna need you to calm down.

Hey, my bad, big dawg.

Ain't nothin', bro,

you didn't even scuff the Forces.

sh*t, I'd have gave myself the fade

right quick.

You're stupid, bro. On God, though,

I'm trying to get like you.

Nah, I'm trying to get like you.

Yo, stay up, fam.

Stay up, bro.

I've never heard you talk

like that before.

How do you talk to Black people?

-The same way I talk to white people.

-[laughs]

-What?

-Are you serious?

You don't have one of these?

-What?

-You don't have a code switch?

No. How does a code switch work?

Well, it's a little tricky,

but let me break it down for you.

♪ As a Black kid you gotta learn

This handy trick of social self-defense ♪

♪ You switch up your speak

And give your manner a tweak ♪

♪ Depending on the audience ♪

♪ I'll be Will Smith witty

Or cool like Diddy ♪

♪ Or affable as you please ♪

♪ 'Cause when you're young and Black

You develop a knack ♪

♪ For putting the world at ease ♪

♪ It's called code-switchin' ♪

♪ And I'm a master of the dial ♪

♪ I've got a different me

For every situation ♪

♪ No matter Black, white, old, or young ♪

♪ I can tune in to your tongue ♪

♪ And nobody can tell ♪

♪ Which one's the real me, yeah ♪

♪ For those timid white suburban moms ♪

♪ I'm humble, saccharine-sweet ♪

♪ Just a skinny Kenan Thompson, ma'am ♪

♪ No need to cross the street ♪

♪ For older Blacks, I'll dial it back ♪

♪ Play the respectful grandson role ♪

♪ They don't care for rap

Or hip-hoppity crap ♪

♪ So I'm warm as Motown soul ♪

♪ And I can charm

The old-school Italian cats ♪

♪ With a smile like Sammy Davis ♪

♪ But I always know that as soon as I go ♪

♪ They go straight back

To stone-cold r*cist ♪

♪ Code-switchin' ♪

♪ Got the whole world on my dial ♪

♪ And it's anybody's guess ♪

♪ Which one is me ♪

That was incredible!

Did I see a setting that says "pretzels"?

Hell, yeah! Yo, what's up, pretz?

[screams]

-I'm so f*cking twisted!

-[heavy metal music plays]

Caleb, do you know where Coach Steve is?

I haven't seen him since I told him

he could go swimming

in the reflecting pool.

You should stop making fun of 9/11.

No, no, no, no.

I'm making fun of Steve,

the 9/11 of people.

[woman over PA] Could Matthew come

to the front desk please

and pick up your bestest friend?

I think we found the birthday boy.

[sobbing]

Hello, I'm Matthew.

Hi, Matthew.

Yeah, he shouldn't be

wandering around the museum

-without a guardian.

-Sorry about that.

Steve, are you crying

because you were lost?

Yeah, and 'cause I ate too many

commemorative keychains.

-Sure.

-And also, then I found out about 9/11.

Did you know all those people d*ed

on my birthday?

I-- yes.

And you didn't tell me? Why?

Well, I thought it was funny,

but now I'm not so sure.

Kind of like Ace Ventura.

Wait, my birthday's an American tragedy

and Ace Ventura's not funny?

This is the worst day of my entire life.

Oh, man, I get it.

We're all the child.

And your news media's the f*cking spoon,

innit?

I'll f*ck a spoon if you watch, guv'nor.

It's lucky you guys had the day off today.

Well, actually, we kind of... [chuckles]

We kinda made our own luck. We ditched.

You skipped school?

Yeah. Jessi Brown, not present. [laughs]

Jessi Brown? Her last name is Glaser.

No, it's not, mate.

-Hey, Jessi, what's your surname?

-Yeah, tell us, Jessi.

It's honestly not important.

He can call you whatever he wants.

Even though it's kinda insane

he thinks your last name is Brown.

He knows me,

he doesn't have to know my name.

That's a low bar, Jessi Brown.

Could you just shut up and be horny?

Isn't that your job?

Hey! You don't come to my work

and slap the d*ck out of my mouth.

See, the media is the spoon,

do you get it? 'Cause I got it.

None of this means anything.

He's a phony

who doesn't even know Jessi's name.

He doesn't have to know her name.

He knows her!

Why are you defending him?

Hey! I don't come to your d*ck

and slap the house out of your mouth!

-Hey, Connie? Quick pow-wow.

-Yeah?

You seem a little...

I think the technical term is "fatutzed"?

Yeah, yeah, I'm overwhelmed, Maury.

-How's your blood shuggie?

-It's low, I guess.

-It's just, I got these two kids...

-Yeah.

Alison was ex*cuted at the boot camp--

-It's too much, Connie.

-It's too much!

I know. I mean, look at me.

I've got Andrew,

he's a jack-off machine, it's easy.

And Matthew, well,

he's more of a friend at this point.

And Nick,

he doesn't like Jessi's boyfriend.

Oh, that's 'cause,

well, 'cause he likes her.

-He what now?

-Oh, Connie,

it's clear as the d*ck on my face.

Nicorice likes Jennifer.

Let's roll the tape, boys.

We get it. She's your girlfriend.

You possess her. [chuckles]

Look at that stare,

his little fists balled up.

That's a jealous boy.

Oh, sh*t, Maury. You're right!

How could I be so blind?

Oh, wait, here's my student film I did

when I went to Columbia.

This sh*t again?

I was very attracted to that actress.

-I gave her so many notes.

-[g*n cocks]

That was a real g*n.

Whoa, wait, wait, wait.

Sorry, I'm just--

I'm a little nervous.

I've never been to a college party before.

There's gonna be ass and chardonnay.

That's why I'm dialing my switch up

all the way to here!

"Supa dupa Black"?

Yeah, this party's gonna be

like a Jay-Z music video.

[hip hop music playing]

Holy honkers!

A pool in a boat in a pool on a building?

Well, that explains

why NYU is so expensive.

Yo, this party's gonna be so fire.

Yeah, everybody's gonna get burnt up

to a crisp,

and there'll be flames coming out of--

I don't know. I wish I had one

of those code switches.

Don't even worry about it. I got you.

I'm about to be Black enough

for both of us.

-Okay.

-I'm going buck-f*cking-wild up there!

Again, did you say "butt f*cking"?

Or are you saying "buck f*cking"?

I'm fine with either, I just--

I wanna know what the vibe is.

Yo, cousin!

And you got a little homie with you.

Hey, Lena. I hope it's okay

that I brought my classmate Devon.

Thought Bridgeton didn't have

other Black kids.

[scoffs]

Naw, B, I hold it down up there. Trust!

You holdin' down the mean streets

of Westchester, big guy?

On my mama, it's secured.

I got the 9-1-4 on lock. It's handled, Ma.

Okay, chill out

with the Nick Cannon energy.

Devon isn't set to Nick Cannon.

-He's actually set to supa dupa Black.

-[Devon mumbles]

He has this incredible thing

called a code switch.

-Missy, chill, chill.

-Do you have a code switch, Lena?

Hell, no,

I broke that sh*t a long time ago.

I only kept "Pretzels"

'cause their music is twisted.

[screams] Break my body!

Why'd you break it? It seems so useful.

It's oppressive.

-Aligning yourself with white norms

-[bong gurgling]

…just to be deemed

a nonthreatening Black person?

And it doesn't work the other way around.

-Oh, that's true.

-We gotta know about the Beatles,

but they ain't gotta know sh*t

about Jodeci.

Now, if I had that point,

I'd have said Bell Biv DeVoe.

Now you know. [chuckles]

That's all fine in theory. That's cute.

But what about interviewing

to get into college?

Or trying to get a hand job

from your white wife?

No, no, no! That's some bullshit!

Just because I'm a minority,

I need to minimize my culture?

Wow! What a gorgeous and spirited

exchange of ideas! I love partying.

I thought this was gonna be a Jay-Z video,

not an episode of Dear White People.

No, shh! This is so much better.

It feels like...

It feels like Wakanda!

I refuse to soften my tone

or remove slang from my vocabulary

just to be compatible with a system

created on stolen land and sl*ve labor!

Ooh, yeah! Speak on it.

I'm gonna talk how I talk,

like Ryan Coogler.

He'll be on The View

sounding Black as f*ck.

-Even Whoopi be confused.

-Oh, please!

You think Ryan Coogler sounds the same

at a cookout in East Oakland

as he does in a boardroom at Disney?

You know who doesn't code switch?

Eeyore. He's always sad.

Ooh, that's true. That donkey suffers.

What about Jay-Z?

What about HOV?

You're celebrating him.

He's the ultimate code-switcher!

Look, man,

code-switching is corny as sh*t.

I'm not corny.

I'm super popular at school.

Let's dissect this, though!

Why do they like you?

Because you fill the role

as the cool Black kid

in a suburban white middle school?

You hoop? You know how to do

the latest viral dance?

You do the "woah" for them?

-[knock on door]

-Shh! You guys, hide the bong!

I don't give a sh*t! If that's

the m*therf*cking RA, I'm about to--

Oh, hey, Nadia.

Hey.

Are we still going to Pinkberry later?

You bet your bottom dollar we are.

-Yaas, queen.

-Okay, go off.

Okay, buss down.

Don't you say a m*therf*cking word.

Okay, this different.

Why, 'cause you're code switching

for p*ssy?

-[all laughing]

-She got you!

Oh, my God, Missy just said "p*ssy"

for the first time.

Oh! I did it! [laughs]

I said "p*ssy." Ha!

So is that a sheep, or is it a cloud?

Either way, it's genius.

Stop.

Stop right there. You're perfect.

-[laughs]

-You know it, too, don't you?

-You'll paint me like a French whore?

-Yeah.

-Should I take my shirt off?

-Yes, you'll be his muse.

Oh, monsieur!

Lay naked on a silk sheet, eating papaya.

Oh, yeah,

and I'll still be wearing my socks.

So what do you think?

-Think about what?

-My boyfriend. Do you like him?

-That guy?

-Yeah.

-That's your boyfriend?

-Yes.

Oh, I thought he said

he was dating a girl named Jessi Brown.

What's your deal?

You're not being very supportive.

What do you mean? We ditched

a school trip and came to visit you,

and now you're spending

your whole time time making out with a guy

who doesn't know your last name.

Whoa, Nick, dial it back,

you're sounding kinda jealous.

I'm not jealous.

I'm just looking out for my friend.

Really? 'Cause I think you got

a little upset

when you saw Jessi making out

with that international hunk of mancakes.

What? That's crazy.

-Come on, man. You like her!

-Huh?

I'm your hormone monstress, baby.

I know everything.

I'm watching you when you sleep,

when you pee-pee, when you poo-poo.

What? You're watching me while I sh*t?

Well, I'm into poo-poo.

Okay, then, for, like,

the sake of argument...

-Mm-hmm.

-...let's just say I did like Jessi.

What then? Would you tell her

to dump Michael Angelo and get with me?

[chuckles]

Nick, come on, you know I can't do that.

Why not?

I know you're her hormone monstress!

-Now, Nick--

-Tell her he f*cking sucks!

No, I won't do that.

And you know what?

I do not like your tone.

-Well, I don't like your hair!

-[gasps] You take that back.

Oh, God, I-- I--

-No, Connie, don't cry.

-[sobbing]

-Connie, please, I'm sorry--

-[retches] When I cry, I barf.

Hey, guys, look at this!

Michael Angelo put me in his dope-ass art!

I'm an indictment of society.

See? This guy's an assh*le.

He's got Andrew eating sh*t.

You're the only one who's mad.

Andrew likes it.

You're all under his spell!

You're the sheep eating his sh*t!

That's why it's brilliant.

You can use it in every situation.

-[imitates Michael Angelo] "Oh, can you?"

-Don't talk to him like that!

Sorry, babers.

He's too basic to understand

how complex and intense your work is.

-Happens all the time, love.

-And that f*cking voice!

-What voice?

-[mocking] "What voice? What voice?"

The Jessi I knew would never

dumb herself down for some guy!

You're just pissed off

because I have somebody, and you don't!

And you're just hooking up

with some random assh*le

'cause you're all sad that

your family's a f*cked-up mess.

Oh, eat sh*t.

No, thanks, I'm not part of one of

your boyfriend's fake-ass "art" pieces!

Andrew,

let's get the f*ck out of here.

Here's my e-mail, you know,

if you ever wanna paint me

getting pissed on by a computer,

or pissed on by you

and a group of your friends.

-You're the artist.

-Yeah.

I'll do whatever you want.

Man, today was just so dope!

Yeah, and I can't believe

I said the p-word.

Oh, I'm sorry if Lena made you

look like kind of a p*ssy.

[gasps] Whoa, I said it again!

This is incredible. I am really changing.

She was kind of making sense.

You know, being a fake version of myself

is definitely corny.

Yeah, but don't be hard on yourself.

Sometimes you have to code switch,

for safety or to get ahead

-in this h*nky town.

-[chuckles] I f*ck with the new Missy.

Really?

You know, I just wish I could be myself

around my friends more.

You can always be yourself around me.

Aw, thanks, Missy.

Grab him and stick your tongue

down his throat!

Let's turn Ground Zero into Pound Zero!

Wow, you are so inappropriate.

That's my job.

And besides, I like Devon being my friend.

But he's the coolest boy in school.

And did you see his hot little nipples

in the Wakanda sequence?

Mona, you know I did,

but he's a married man.

Hmm. So was Robert Plant

when he took my virginity.

Come on, everybody,

get on the big, yellow car.

Oh, hey, Steve! We never got off the bus.

Yeah, we actually got off in the bus.

We rubbed fronts

until I cheesed into a hole in the seat.

Aw, I'm happy for you, Jay,

but I'm sad for me.

I'm sorry.

Did you not have a good birthday?

I'm never gonna celebrate my birthday

ever again.

You ruined Coach Steve's birthday.

I know that, Caleb.

Also, I got rock candy from the gift shop.

-[Devon] Hey, I love basketball.

-[camera clicking]

Those pictures of you are great.

Are you sure? What about this one?

It's kind of f*cked up you spent

the whole day at the 9/11 Museum

-taking selfies.

-What the hell, Devon?

You were the perfect husband all day,

and now you ruined it right at the end?

-[Devon scoffs]

-Can I help you, Missy?

Do you and your little braids

have something to say?

Um, yeah.

As a matter of fact, I do.

You don't get to talk

about the way I look!

And you sure as f*ck...

Yeah, I said the f-word!

...don't get to tell me how Black I am!

-What?

-That's right, you rank-ass bitch!

I'm keepin' it 98, plus a one, and a two!

-[all laughing]

-Oh, sh*t. Now, that's 100.

[Jessi]

So, how many of these are you gonna do?

Babe, don't interrupt me

while I'm creating.

Would you ask the other Michelangelo

how many Mona Lisas he's gonna make?

-I think that was Da Vinci.

-I think you're interrupting me again.

Oh, no. Is it possible Nick was right?

[sighs] Is Michael Angelo a bad guy?

I don't wanna get

in the middle of this sh*t,

but I will say Nick's got

a dark f*ckin' heart

and a mean, shitty soul

and f*cked-up opinions about hair.

You're right.

He's an assh*le. Thank you.

I don't know,

I think maybe Nick has a point.

Oh, sh*t. She's back?

But she can't break up

with Michael Angelo.

Then she'll have nothing.

Come on! Not Kitty, too.

-sh*t!

-Oh, God.

Kitty's right.

You don't go to school anymore.

You don't have friends!

We gotta hold onto Michael Angelo

for dear life...

[sighs] I think they're right, Connie.

All right, baby.

Well, there's just one thing I gotta do.

Okay, everybody, come on.

Up here, up here.

Hey, Nick. Can we talk?

About what? How hot and cool

and mysterious Michael Angelo is?

No, honey, we need to talk about us.

-Fine, let's just do it on the bus.

-I'm not getting on the bus, sweetie.

Why, 'cause it smells like BO and jizz?

No, those are my favorite smells.

You know that.

No. Nick, I can't do this.

Uh, what do you mean?

I mean I can't be

your hormone monstress anymore.

Oh, come on. We had one fight!

Is this about the hair comment?

-Look, I'm sorry.

-No.

It's not that. Although, m*therf*cker--

Hey.

Listen, we had some great times together,

and I know you're gonna make

some other monster really, really happy.

Hold on!

Are you, like,

breaking up with me right now?

Is this because of Jessi?

I was with her first.

It's a conflict of interest--

Fine! You know what? Let's break up.

Look, I think you're a wonderful boy--

Oh, thank you.

You know what? You don't get

to be nice to me now, Connie.

That's not how this works, and FYI,

-we won't be friends after this.

-Wait, come on.

Don't contact me on my birthday.

I'm not rooting for you.

If anyone asks,

I'm gonna say bad stuff about you.

-I can tell you're upset--

-I'm not upset!

Actually, Connie, I'm relieved.

'Cause I don't need you

and I don't need anybody.

Okay, fine.

Goodbye, Nick.

f*ck you, Connie.

Your hair's dry, use conditioner.

You don't mean that! My hair is fantastic.

[moans]

Everybody, there's a very sweet man

on this bus...

Is his name Thomas Donut?

...who no matter what happens to him...

Something happened to Thomas Donut?

...always stays positive...

Oh, he means Magic Johnson.

...and he would never be mean

to anybody...

Alex Baldwin.

...and it's his birthday today.

It's Alex Baldwin's birthday?

It's you, Steve.

♪ Happy birthday to-- ♪

No, no, no! I'm not gonna celebrate

my birthday anymore.

But we have to, Steve.

Because if we don't,

then the t*rrorists win.

Whoa!

We can't let that happen!

[Lola] Um, excuse me!

But, like, when you actually think

about it...

Uh-oh.

...given their stated goals, and the way

in which America's foreign policy

has become increasingly isolationist...

-Oh, boy.

-...it's fair to say

that the t*rrorists, like, did, in fact,

very much win.

Happy 9/11, everybody!

[chuckles nervously]

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

-♪ Happy birthday, Thomas Donut ♪

-♪ Happy birthday, Coach Steve ♪

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

-[groans]

-[Tito buzzes]

-["Bury a Friend" playing]

-♪ I wanna end me ♪

♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna end me ♪

♪ I wanna, I wanna, I wanna ♪

♪ What do you want from me?

Why don't you run from me? ♪

♪ What are you wondering?

What do you know? ♪

♪ Why aren't you scared of me?

Why do you care for me? ♪

♪ When we all fall asleep

Where do we go? ♪

-♪ Listen ♪

-♪ Keep you in the dark ♪

♪ What had you expected?

Me to make you my art ♪

♪ And make you a star

And get you connected? ♪

♪ I'll meet you in the park

I'll be calm and collected ♪

♪ But we knew right from the start

That you'd fall apart ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm too expensive ♪

♪ It's probably something

That shouldn't be said out loud ♪

[kazoo plays]

-[man] Fathouse.

-[ticking]

-[man] Chirp.

-[man 2 laughs] "Good at Bizness."