05x02 - The Shane Lizard Rises

[bunniefuu]

It's just been so hard ever since I was
thwarted by the kids of Bridgeton Middle.

I fear I've lost my mojo.

I fear I've lost my pancakes.

-You ate them, Steve.
-Cool!

It's just that those kids
really shook my confidence.

I'm considering throwing in the towel.

Ooh, throw it to me!
I gotta teach pool school today.

Do you mean "swim class"?

-Uh-huh!
-Children in revealing bathing suits?

-Exactly!
-Shivering on cold tiles?

-Yup!
-In front of their peers…

-Ooh!
-Hello, mojo!

Hi, Nokia!

Steve, I believe I'll be joining you
for pool school today.

Okay, let's get the piece of paper
from the restaurant mommy and go.

The check, shall we split it this time or…

Or we can not pay at all. [chuckles]

I love you, honey bunny.

I love you, Pulp Fiction!

-Everybody be cool. This is a robbery!
-[all gasp]

Any of you f*ckin' pricks move and I'll…

Live from New York, it's Saturday night!

["Changes" by Charles Bradley plays]

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ Oh, in my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

[blows whistle] All right,
my dudes and dudettes.

Welcome to gym class: Swimsuit Edition!

I can't believe we get to look
at the girls in bathing suits at school.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.
Let's see how our girls are progressing.

And here come your girls now,
Doctor Disgusto.

Hubba-bubba, there's Jessi.

She looks like the picture
you pull your pee-pee to but in real life.

Yeah, I, uh, also noticed that.

All right! I wanna see some boy nipples!

Their nipples are very intriguing.

I'm told that's where Gatorade comes from.

[Shame Wizard] Just remember,
if you can see their bodies,

they can see yours.

[Jessi] Oh, sh*t, you're back?

Well, I couldn't miss the opportunity to
leer at children in their bathing suits.

-Ew!
-Yummy, yummy.

-What in the f*ck?
-Gross!

Uh, no, no, no, I'm sorry, I'm rusty.

The shame is what I find yummy.

The children look bad, bad.
Not sexy. No. Let me start over.

Jessi, your body is, uh, no bueno.

Uh-uh. No, I am not letting you
get in my head again.

Very well.
Well, don't take my word for it.

-What are you looking at?
-Oh, uh, uh, nothing.

We're looking at the head,
the feet, all of it, baby.

I just never noticed that your leg hair
is a different color than your head hair.

-So, congratulations.
-Ew! Don't talk about my leg hair.

Oh, but why?
The all-natural look is pure pleasure.

Ugh, of course you think that, you creep.

You're 90% pube.

What? My bush? No good?

Well, it is quite a thatch, isn't it?

Oh, God, maybe I can stuff it back in.

No, stay, stay, stay, stay!

-No! It's unstuffable!
-[laughs]

Oh, my God!

I wouldn't be "Oh my God-ing," Lola.

-Not with that camel toe.
-[gasps]

Stunned. Wounded! Shifting focus…

Jay's uncircumcised!

Well, well, well, look who can't
keep her d*ck out of my mouth.

I'll put my d*ck wherever I want!

Missy, check out Devon's muscles.

Like a jacked little cricket.

-He can nibble on my leaves! Mm!
-He can nibble on your p*ssy too!

But first my leaves.
You gotta eat your vegetables

if you wanna have dessert. [chuckles]

He's about to touch you.

Missy, you got
a little fuzzy on your back.

Get ready to mouth the word "f*ck."

Oh, no, that's not a fuzzy.

What? What is it?

Uh, you know what? My bad-ne.

Uh, oh, sh*t,
I should just go back-ne, ah, to the…

You got zits on your back, girl.

Oh, God, he's right! You've got bacne!

I-- I can't see it. Is-- is it bad?

Well, that depends.
Do you think the Holocaust was bad?

Yes, my mom's grandfather d*ed
in the Holocaust!

[chuckles] So you have a personal
connection to how awful your back looks.

And you, little Nick Birch,
barely filling out that Speedo.

Yes, we've covered this before.

Big mouth, little d*ck. I don't care.

-Oh, no? You don't care?
-Nope.

Unless someone else cares about d*ck size.

-Who, Jessi? No, she's a mature…
-[giggling]

…intelligent young woman and she doesn't
pay attention to that kind of stuff.

Oh, my God, that is…

-[slurps, giggles]
-Wow. Okay.

No wonder he's always giggling.

Great ghost of Jimmy Dean,
look at that sausage.

-Oh…
-Anyway, we got a great show.

The Go-Gurt Burglar's
big, fat d*ck is here,

so stick around, we'll be right back.

[grunts]

-[zips up fly, giggles]
-[door opens]

-Yo! What the f*ck was that?
-[screaming]

-Oh, my God!
-[wailing]

Revelry.

-It's always the guy that steals yogurt…
-[sobbing]

…that has the perfect cock.

And your cock, Andrew?

You can hardly see it
under that haystack of d*ck hair.

Oh, God, it is quite the haystack.

You know what? f*ck Lola!

I'm glad I'm uncircumcised.

My d*ck has more nerve endings,
it's sensitive, it's natural…

Like Shailene Woodley.

Yeah, well, if it's so natural,
then why are you the only one?

Whoa, whoa. Hang on. Am I the only one
with an uncircumcised d*ck?

Indeed.

Okay, everybody, whip 'em out!

I want those dicks out yesterday,
and I want 'em in a lineup, soft.

Jesus, Jay. It looks like an anteater.
And why is it bruised?

If it's not bruised,
you're not doin' it right.

-Maury, what are you doing?
-I'm taking a picture for your spank bank.

Say "d*ck cheese."

Ugh! I don't want Jay's penis
in my spank bank.

Yes. What would dear, sweet Aiden say?

Nothing. Becuase I'm not attracted to Jay.

-Oh, yeah?
-Or his battered d*ck.

Ooh! "Battered d*ck" was the name
of my college improv group.

-Really?
-We did long-form. Everybody hated it.

-I'm sure.
-I'm saving the photo.

What's the matter, Nick?

You're quiet as a mouse.

Is it because you're hung like one?
[laughs]

Okay, you know what,
I remember how to deal with you.

I just have to share my shame,
and then I'll feel better.

Look, guys, let's not go crazy
with this penis stuff.

I mean, I'm not afraid to say,
I, Nick Birch, have a not very huge penis.

-Obviously.
-Honey, everyone knows that.

Man, your d*ck makes us
feel good about ours.

We talk about it when you're not around.

-Is that what you were hoping for?
-No, it was not.

If it makes you feel any better,
I have a tiny d*ck too.

Hey, man, we're the same!

[sighs]

Oh, my God!

Go-Gurt Burglar's d*ck is huge!

-Hot daddy!
-[squealing]

I know, on such a small frame,
it, like, really pops.

Yeah, the only thing bigger
is your camel toe.

-[girls gasp]
-Excuse me?

Devin, that's so f*cked up!

What? I-I'm trying to help her.
She's got too much labia.

Devin!

Women have to support other women
by pointing out their flaws!

You, madam, are a delight.

Oh, no! Is this the episode where
I discover I don't have the perfect p*ssy?

Yeah, well,
that's what it says in the Netflix blurb.

Sigh, but like, go, Lola. In the blurb.
[chuckles]

Ladies, women, girl bosses,

let's take a step back
and remember who the real enemy is.

-The boys!
-What did they do?

They talked about my leg hair.

Yeah, because it's gross.

No offense, Jessi,
but women need to shave.

No, we do not.

You'll get used to it, like deflecting
compliments or laughing at guys' jokes.

-You know, girl stuff.
-By the way, cute top.

It's cheap, and I'm ugly!

I have to shave my whole body every day.
It's like a full-time job.

Oh, my God. Are you serious?

Yeah, I had to give up gymnastics,
and I was really good. [chuckles, grunts]

It seems like
everybody's shaving except you, Jessi.

[sighs] Oy.

Oh, sh*t, we're gross.

Look at me! I'm covered in hair.

I'm gonna have to quit gymnastics,
and I am not good.

[grunts, screams]

Oh, so close.

Oh, Connie.

Oh, just give me the phone.
I need to see what Devon saw.

I'm not sure
you want to see this, darling.

[gasps] Oh, God!

Missy, years from now,
you'll look back on this moment…

Yeah?

…and be scarred,
both physically and emotionally.

[groans] Oh!

[laughs]

Boom-shaka-laka! I'm en fuego!

What's wrong, Nicky?
You've barely touched your quinoa,

and it's your favorite
of the ancient grains.

Nothing, I'm fine.

-I bet he's worried about his small d*ck.
-What the-- How'd he--

I guess everyone really does
talk about it when you're not around.

Mom, Leah,
women don't really care about size, right?

We're past that as a culture, right?

Of course!
Women want a loving, caring partner.

You know what your father always says.

It's not the size of the wave.

It's how well
I perform cunnilingus on your mother.

[chuckles] It's true.

That's because his tongue
is bigger than his d*ck.

[chuckles] Relax, Nick,

guys care way more
about penis size than girls do.

Exactly. For us, it's not a problem.

-Good. Good, good.
-You know, unless it's a… problem.

Yeah, like a micropenis or something?

"Micropenis"? Oh, God, what's that?

It's a very rare condition
where your penis is medically small.

[laughs] You have a medically small penis.

-Oh, no!
-Yes, you're Micropenis Boy!

Ladies and gentlemen,

step right up and giggle with glee.

-Stop! [groans]
-The smallest wonder of the world…

This boy's d*ck!

-Stop! Argh! Don't look at me!
-[laughter]

There's nothing to see anyway!

It's not that small!

-[man] It is!
-It's microscopic!

Why, there's no balls!

[chuckling] Oh, my God, that is…

Whoo! But, like, in a bad way.

Jessi, please!

I'll perform cunnilingus on you,
like my dad does on my mom!

-[jeering]
-[man] Everybody knows

women exclusively come from penetration.

[woman] You'll never
be able to please a woman!

No!

Oh, God, everything
about your dad makes me sad.

Why does he have
a sleeping bag in the bathtub?

I can't believe
this is the only razor in our house.

It looks like
someone k*lled a possum with it.

Oh, God. Maybe I should just wait?

[Shame Wizard] Yes, good idea.

Best to let your leg hair
grow longer and longer,

until you become a Chewbacca!

Argh!

-[grunts]
-Hey, fellas, we caught a Bigfoot!

Aw, darn it, I was hoping for a sexy girl.

[garbled] But I am a sexy girl!

Know what's crazy?

If she'd only shaved,
I might've let her watch me take a shower.

[groans]

[Mona] f*ck me with a dirty spoon.

Oh, it really is awful, isn't it?

Oh, no, that's just a text
I got from Hugh Grant.

But yes, your bacne's ghastly, darling.

-Yes!
-[gasps]

It looks like they covered the moon in
pepperoni pizza and put it on your back.

Shall we? To the pizza moon, Missy?

-No!
-[Shame Wizard] Too late!

[Missy] Ahh!

Missy, how the f*ck
do I get off of your gross-ass back?

-Ow! My leg! Ah!
-Devon!

Missy, your zitty back sucks!

I gotta get back to Earth
so I can tell everybody how gross you are.

-[grunting]
-[snivels] I'm so disgusting!

-Wait, Missy, look!
-[gasps]

The toxins have been expelled,
and the surface is healing.

[gasps] Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

That I should f*ck Hugh Grant
with a clean spoon

and just tell him it's dirty
so nobody gets sick?

No! We need to pop those mayo mountains!

Missy, will your parents freak out
if Hugh Grant comes over here right now?

Oh, enough with Hugh Grant!

[kissing]

-Um, hello? Where are you right now?
-In a slide making out with my boyfriend.

Really?
Because you don't seem that into it.

No, no, no, no, babe. I'm so into it.
Maury, what the f*ck are you doing?

Oh, I'm, uh, deleting old texts.

Well, will you do your g*dd*mn job
and help me get horny?

Oh, yeah, sure. Here you go, Matt.

Ugh! No! Don't show me Jay's d*ck!

Why not?
It just made you as hard as a bowling pin.

Oh, sh*t!

-[Jay] Nice bone, homie.
-What?

Want to tongue so hard
we barf in each other's mouths?

Oh!

-[chuckling] Oh, you really do.
-Oh, I do!

[both moaning]

Oh, Matthew!
I really like this color on you.

And I like the color of Jay's d*ck.

It looks like an old yam!

Oh, dear! Fantasizing about Jay
while kissing your boyfriend?

-It was an accident.
-Cheater, cheater, uncut peter.

Ugh, you're right. I'm the worst.

No, you're not, you're just a horny kid.
Hey, what's your deal, man?

My deal is I'm back, baby.

If you're gonna call me baby,

you better be ready
to cash that check, Kemosabe.

It's already endorsed.

Oh, sh*t.

[kissing, grunting]

Jesus Christ, what does this
say about me psychologically?

I'm telling you, Knights of Saint Joseph,
my "castle" is too big.

My lady, thy castle is perfect.
It's just as nature intended.

No! The gates are gigantic!

But they keep the barbarians at bay!

And Sir Jay never had
any problem with your castle.

[Shame Wizard] Yes,
but Jay is gone, isn't he?

And why is that, Lola?

You don't think it's
because of my castle gates, do you?

Well, who can say?

But he did break up with you shortly after
he, ah, how should I put this?

-Fingered your big, fat p*ssy.
-Don't listen to him, Your Majesty!

No, he's right! I'm hideous!

What do I do, Mr. Ghost?

Um, I'm a wizard,

and perhaps you should consult
one of my very favorite resources,

the World Wide Web.

Huh, Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop is selling
this thing called a "Yoni Egg."

It helps, like,
strengthen your vag*na muscles--

Your Majesty, do not spend
your hard-earned coin on this fool egg!

Do you think I'm stupid?
I have a half-dozen eggs downstairs!

Oh, my lady, no!

To the eggs.

"What to do if my penis is too…

small." Okay, here we go.

[woman] Are you worried
you're too small to please your woman?

-Yes.
-Well, you're right.

-What?
-David, you need to move out.

My trainer's moving in,

and his penis is so big,
there's no room for you.

But my parents left me this house.

Aw…

And they also left you a tiny d*ck.

You should k*ll yourself.
All right, I'm going to the Women's March.

Jesus Christ.

Why'd you say that you were 18?
This is too much, man.

[woman] Wait!
You don't have to k*ll yourself.

There's a solution.

You mean, loving myself for who I am

and finding a partner
who's sexually compatible with me?

[woman laughs] You're funny.

I'm talking about the Halliburton
Big Boy penis pump, of course.

-[Rick] Oh!
-Wow! Thank you, Halliburton!

With our patented vacuum technology,

your d*ck will be so huge,
you won't mind that it's weirdly freezing.

David! I'm back!
And I want your huge, cold penis.

Too bad, Carol.

Now I'm going to the Women's March
to f*ck some sense into those ladies.

I'm leaving you the g*n,
you know what to do.

-[g*n cocks, fires]
-Holy sh*t, man! They f*cking showed it!

Seems that's exactly
what you need, little Nicky.

-Yeah.
-Ah, but it doesn't ship for ten days.

-I can't wait that long.
-Hmm…

I wonder if there's something
in the house that has vacuum technology.

Oh, hey, Nick! You want me
to suck that d*ck like it's pasghetti?

-[slurps]
-[sighs]

Okay, do I just take it all off
and go for the little boy thing or--

Jesus, those scissors are huge.

You're cutting your pubes,
not opening a grocery store.

They're the only scissors I could find.

-Now stop making me nervous.
-Andrew!

Oh, sh*t! Oh, my God. I nicked my sack.
My balls are gonna slip through the hole.

-Maury!
-[laughing] Let the shames begin!

[laughing echoes]

Ugh!

I can't reach the big one!

You can do it, Missy!

Put one foot on the sink,

one on the bathtub,
and hold onto the shower curtain.

I don't know if that's possible!

If Hugh Grant can do it,
then so can you, honey!

Is that how you get the spoon in?

-No, it's how I get it out.
-Oh!

Almost there, Missy. Reach for it!

-[whimpers] Oh! Oh! [grunts]
-[cracks]

-Oh, sh*t!
-Where's the needle?

-Bugger! It's right between your eyes.
-Ooh, well done.

-[laughs]
-Pull it out!

-Pull it out!
-Okay.

-[cracks]
-Ahh!

My shoulder's dislocated!

And you still have bacne! [laughs]

Quick, Missy, use that hand to masturbate.
It'll feel like someone else.

[cries]

-[rasping]
-Should there be this much resistance?

Oh, that just means your hair is strong.

You should be proud!

[winces] Oh, sh*t. Look!

Oh, it's fine.
It's just a couple of nicks.

Yeah, but it hurts.

Well, just shave faster.

-Shave harder!
-Ahh!

f*ck! You made me cut myself.

But you're not bleeding,
you just got that eerie white strip

you see right before the blood starts--

Holy sh*t, Jessi! This is how you die!

Oh, f*ck! My leg won't stop bleeding!

-[timer dings]
-Oh, I've got to see a girl about an egg.

Oh, my God, I'm really doing this.

Lola, you're crazy for this one.

Your Highness, no!
It won't fit through the gate!

There's no turning back now!

-[knight] There's always turning back!
-No! My people will see me as weak.

Oh, wow, you're keeping the shell on.

Lola, you're crazy for this one.

[straining]

[groans] Oh, no!

What's wrong, my lady?

-It's probably related to the egg.
-[whimpers] I can't get it out!

My Queen, maybe you should try relaxing.

How can I relax
with a f*cking egg in my p*ssy?

Delightful!

Okay, here we go.

[twangs] Hey, Nick! What you got there?

-It's a vacuum.
-What're you doing? Cleaning up?

I'm gonna put it on my d*ck
to make it bigger.

Do you think that's the best--
Ah! [screaming]

Oh, oh… Oh, it's really latched!

-Oh, f*ck! It's got my balls!
-[pube] Oh, it hurts!

Yeah! Awesome!

-Rick, pull the plug!
-Whoo-hoo!

I feel like a monkey
on a dog at a baseball game!

[Nick] Ah! Ah…

[Shame Wizard laughs]

Oh, you should clean your room more often.

[Nick] That's my mom's job!

[Andrew] Calamine lotion,
calamine lotion, calamine lotion.

-Where are the Band-Aids?
-Oh, we've got some Paul Mitchell mousse.

Wait, what's this?

-"Nair."
-Hmm.

That sounds like "no" and "hair."

So, what do I do,
slather this all over my crotch?

Don't read the instructions, just empty
that strange bottle on your bush.

Okay.

Ooh, it burns a little. Ha-ha.

I hate this.

Oh, it smells like sulfur. Oh, God.

Huh. "Do not use after February, 1986."

sh*t. What month is it?

-Oh, f*ck, this really hurts.
-[sizzling]

[chuckling] Ooh! It's starting to smoke.

Oh, God. Oh, my only set of balls.

-Here, try this.
-All right.

[screams]

-What the f*ck was that?
-[laughs]

Hydrogen peroxide. Why? Does it sting?

-[laughing]
-Yes, and it's not worth it!

-It's turning your pubes green!
-Oh… Oh…

That feels a little better.

-[laughter]
-Stop laughing at me!

-I'm not, Andrew. Your d*ck is.
-[laughter]

Jared Leto and Joseph,
it's the "Chodeker."

The "Chodeker"?

Why so serious, Andrew?

Feeling a little nuts? [cackles]

Maury, we need to get to a hospital
before my d*ck wins an Oscar.

I just want to watch your balls burn!

[cackles]

[laughs]

Ladies and gentlemen, the Shane Lizard.

[applause]

[plays jaunty tune on piano]

♪ Big, flabby bottoms
And weird, saggy tits ♪

♪ Eczema scaly and dry ♪

♪ Lopsided labia ♪

-♪ Gross, oozing zits ♪
-Missy?

♪ The minuscule d*ck of a fly ♪

Nicky!

♪ The legs of a lumberjack ♪

♪ Monstrous pubes ♪

-[grunting]
-♪ Defects too vile for a name ♪

♪ They're all twinkling stars
In the heavenly body of shame! ♪

Just one more step!

[cackles] You got it!

Whoa! Ahh! [groans]

Andrew! Did you use my big scissors
to cut your genital nest?

-Disgusting!
-[cackles]

♪ Stuff me with implants
And chop off my nose ♪

♪ Carve out the sag 'round my eyes! ♪

♪ Stitch me and plug me
Where hair never grows ♪

♪ Suck out my tummy and thighs ♪

♪ A life of self-loathing for every soul ♪

-[thuds]
-[screams]

♪ Impervious to fortune or fame ♪

♪ Though no one will suffer alone ♪

♪ They'll always have shame ♪

[cackles]

-Does no one hear my penis singing?
-We need to sedate this pervert.

♪ Oh, what to do
When you want to be true ♪

♪ But your mind has a mind of its own ♪

-Now clench and push.
-[strains]

♪ Your filthy addiction's
A lifelong affliction ♪

♪ You're surely to die all alone ♪

♪ We'll all die alone ♪

Yippee!

♪ You fatties and scabbies
You pimpled and pale ♪

-♪ Come join in my torturous game ♪
-[chorus vocalizing]

♪ And a lifetime of sad self rejection ♪

♪ Imperfectly chasing perfection ♪

♪ Ever lonely but never alone ♪

♪ You'll always have shame ♪

-[music ends]
-[applause]

Ha-ha! Take that, Brené Brown.

I'm telling you,
the future of health care is CBD oil.

-This stuff is amazing.
-Nick?

Oh, hey, Jessi. What am I doing here?
[chuckles]

I mean, what, um, happened to your leg?

I, um… I cut myself shaving.

Oh, sh*t. It wasn't because of
what I said about your leg hair, was it?

No. No.

Yes, kind of.
Well, you and the whole world.

Okay, good. So it's not my fault.
But also, concerned.

-What are you doing here?
-Oh, um…

My sweet little prince
is taking care of his old man.

I put my penis in a vacuum cleaner
because I have such a small penis…

Dad, please!

…but Judd has a big penis.

-Judd's penis? What now?
-So who knows about Nicky's penis?

I, for one, am curious.

Missy, you're here too?

[groans] Yep, my body has betrayed me,

everything's gross,
and our best days are behind us.

Yes, exactly.

This has been the most perfect day.

I'm sorry. I couldn't help
but overhear your conversation.

I-- I gotta say, we all have something
we don't like about ourselves,

and the struggle
to love our imperfections?

It's a lifelong battle.

Who the f*ck's this guy?

I'm ready to go home now.

Lola, oh, my God, is this your dad?

Oh, Rodney?

No, he's my mom's parole officer
and my emergency contact.

Okay.

Well, I think
Lola's mom's parole officer is right.

We all hate something about ourselves.

No, no!
Lola's mom's parole officer's wrong!

Yeah, we just, like, mutilated our bodies.

That's f*cked up.

-We need to cut ourselves some slack.
-No! No slack!

Hey, Lols, got any idea
where Mom's at tonight?

I have no idea, and even if I did,
sweetie, you'd be the last to know.

Anyway, Wendy's closes in ten,
so chop-chop!

Oh, dear me.

-[grunts] Wha-- What happened?
-[tense music plays]

The laughing, it's stopped.

He's gone.

Oh, no! He's gone!

Nurse? Hey, nurse? Nurse!

[button clicking]

-[sinister music plays]
-[screams]

[cackles]

I really thought I'd got my mojo back,

but then right at the end,
they went home slightly cheered up.

-Uh-huh.
-Why can't I ever get a win?

Knicks won last night.

Yes, I work closely with the whole
Knicks organization, actually.

The Knicks are named
after a little man in my class.

Yes, and Nick's not swimming, is he?

-In fact, many of the children aren't.
-[Steve] Uh-huh.

So, even if it wasn't perfect,
I still had a good day.

Thank you, Steve.
What would I do without you?

Drink the water from the pool
because it looks so blue and delicious?

-[slurping]
-Oh, God.

Hey, Matthew. I've been thinking
about my uncircumcised d*ck all day…

So have we!

And I realized, when you thought
it looked like an anteater,

it's because, duh,
you've never seen it hard!

No duh, no duh!

-Quick consent to show you my hard d*ck?
-Yes, consent, consent.

Um… Sure.

See? It's like the anteater's skull
pushed through its mouth.

-Mm-hmm.
-f*ckin' gnarly, right?

Yeah, totally tubular.

Maury, take a f*cking picture.

Got it. I also got a d*ck pic
from the Shame Wizard.

-Ugh!
-[Maury] f*ckin' gnarly, right?

Hey, Devin, you know how you love
egg salad sandwich on an artisan loaf?

Yes, Lola, of course, who doesn't?

Well, I made you one to say,
"I'm sorry for having camel toe."

What an interesting gesture. Thank you.

Oh my God, pay no mind.
I used a very special egg.

Oh, Lola. This is delicious.

Wait, really? Fork it over, I'm starving!

Okay, but just one bite.

[laughing]

Oh, Lola, you're crazy for this one.

Chomp! [laughs, snorts]

[in strained voice] Oh! f*ck!
The circle's caught on my neck.

Someone call Rodney!

[jaunty tune plays]

[Shame Wizard] ♪ Big, flabby bottoms
And weird, saggy tits ♪

♪ Eczema scaly and dry ♪

[Lola] ♪ Lopsided labia ♪

[Missy] ♪ Gross oozing zits ♪

[Nick] ♪ The minuscule d*ck of a fly ♪

[Jessi] ♪ The legs of a lumberjack ♪

[Andrew] ♪ Monstrous pubes ♪

[Wizard] ♪ Defects too vile for a name ♪

♪ They're all twinkling stars
In the heavenly body of shame ♪

Yippee!

♪ You fatties and scabbies
You pimpled and pale ♪

-♪ Come join in my torturous game ♪
-[chorus vocalizing]

[all] ♪ And a lifetime
of sad self rejection ♪

♪ Imperfectly chasing perfection ♪

♪ Ever lonely but never alone ♪

♪ You'll always have shame! ♪