05x04 - The Green-Eyed Monster

[bunniefuu]

[dreamy music plays]

Love you!

Love you!

-That girl is so cool, right?
-[sighs] She's the f*cking coolest.

She just left,
and you already want to text her!

Yeah, and I don't want her to be friends
with anybody else, ever. Why is that?

Because you love her, honey.

That's why I'm here. I'm your lovebug.

My "lovebug"?

Okay! You and a girl?
Yeah, I can work with that.

Did you know I am
a board-certified cunnilingus doula?

But my website says "p*ssy Eating Coach."

Okay, hold on. I'm into guys.

Oh, that's true.

She fucks Judd's shirt.
She might be into shirts.

Ladies, I'm not talking about sex,
I'm talking about love.

The love between two best friends.

-You want to be Ali's number one.
-I do!

-You want to buy cheap matching necklaces.
-Yeah!

And choreograph stupid dances together!

-We'll get a shared TikTok account.
-And you'll have your own secret language!

That's right!

We're gonna annoy
the f*ck out of everybody,

and it's gonna be nogawooski!

-What does that mean?
-I can't tell you, you're not Ali.

Oh, I love that.

Hey, guys, I want to be part of this too.

Ow!

Oh! I fell on my nogawooski!

-Did I use it right?
-Mm, no, not at all.

Oh, nogawooski!

-How 'bout that time?
-Nope.

sh*t!

["Changes " by Charles Bradley plays]

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ I'm going through changes ♪

♪ Oh, in my life ♪

♪ Oh! Ooh! Ooh! ♪

[school bell rings]

Ooh, there's Ali!

Hurry, sit next to her!
Hip check that human jelly donut!

-[grunts]
-Hey! You spilled my breakfast Sprite.

Hey, girl!

Jessi, finally!
We are local-ass celebrities!

I can't believe they're getting
all the credit for my idea!

Those f*cking slags!

Oh! What's a slag?

It's a term for a skeezy bitch,

-who is not nogawooski.
-Ugh!

Vice Junior posted about us,
and the Internet went banar-nar.

Nice!

We are now officially the Bridgeton
Fightin' Steven Van Zandts.

-[both laugh]
-Those cops even had to apologize!

We'd like to formally apologize for
arresting those two teenage vandals.

Ahem. As is protocol in the department,
we will now publicly embarrass ourselves

by dressing like the aggrieved party
of those we wrongfully arrested.

Here we go.

Not gonna lie, I feel beautiful.

-[chuckles]
-[in accent] "I love the way

that little girl's t*nk top
shows off my cop shoulders."

[in accent] "Let's take
the squad car over there

to the Forever 21 here, there, now."

-[laughs]
-Hey, babe, what's that voice?

It's just one of the cops who arrested us
here, there, now, over there--

-You really had to be there, ma'am.
-[laughs]

I wish I had a windbreaker, because
I'm on the outside of this inside joke.

Ugh! Why did I profess my love to Jessi
when I could have just not?

Because, honey, you had to!

You love her
with all the heart in your giant head.

But now I have to be
in the same room as her.

[Rick] Not for long, baby!

I'm digging us a hole
to the center of the Earth!

You can live with the rock people!

You're not going anywhere, Nick!

Like my special work hat,
'cause I glued it on my head, baby!

-Love doesn't back down, it doubles down!
-Okay.

You need to show her that
you know her better than anyone else.

That you hold a PhD
in Jess-onomics from Glazer State.

Or maybe I should,
like, get her something.

Girls like stuff, like objects.

Yes! A gift. A token of your affection.

Ooh! Give her my hat! [grunts]

Oh, good Lord!

-Uh-oh! There goes the neighborhood!
-Ew!

Okay, listen up, everybody.

Sadly, Ms. Raths is back in rehab.

Ugh! The woman is a gambling addict.

So, I'm your sub, Mr. Keating,
and today, I want to introduce you

to somebody you might not think
is very cool, but I personally love.

Bill f*cking Shakespeare!

[gasps] Maury! Teacher cursed!

This guy is premium cable cool!

Now, if you could, do me a favor

and, uh, get rid of those f*cking books!
[grunts]

f*ck yeah, he did it again.
He said "f*ck" again.

Now you won't find
the real Shakespeare in some old book.

Shakespeare is right here

because he wrote about all the same sh*t
you guys are going through right now.

You love each other, right?

You hate each other,
you betray each other…

You f*ck your skank-ass pillows

and ruin the one good thing you had
in your miserable life!

Well, well, well,
someone's read The Tempest.

What's up? [chuckles]

But today we're actually starting
with Othello,

which is all about jealousy.

It drives Othello to madness and m*rder!

"Beware, my Lord, of jealousy.

It is the green-eyed monster
which doth mock the meat it feeds on!"

Is this guy f*cking Bounty?
Because I am absorbed.

Not me, I'm sopping wet.

So be real with me, guys.
Middle school sucks, right?

And I know some of you are feeling
that green-eyed monster right now.

Oh, yes, yes. Me!

Me, Mr. Keating. I'm jealous every time
I go to my friend Nick's house.

His parents are nice
and he has the good snacks,

and that's why I hate him.

What? You hate me?

Oh, shut the f*ck up.

I don't hate you.
I hate the life you live.

[chuckles] All right, little dude.

Very brave of you to share that.

I like your energy.

You hear that? He likes my energy.

-Ooh, you're gonna be the teacher's pet.
-Yeah.

Wear a leash and sh*t on the grass
while you stare directly into his eyes.

Oh, yeah, I made a big one, Mr. Keating.

Hold my warm sh*t in your hand
and tell me I'm a good boy.

Okay, school's finally over.

-Now we can have Ali all to ourselves.
-[gasps]

Invite her over for chip salad.

That's a big bowl
with all different kinds of chips.

So, Ali, what are we doing now?

We're doing chip salad, dummy!

Oh, uh, well,
Samira's parents are working late,

so we were just gonna go to her house
and finger each other all afternoon.

Oh, okay.

Sorry, it's hard
to choose anything over fingering.

Bye there, over there.

[voice distorts] That quiet little creep!

[grunts, roars]

[growls]

What the hell was that?

You became a green-eyed monster,

like Othello in that book
your teacher kicked!

I'm not jealous. It's not like
I want to be Ali's girlfriend.

But you want to be her number one!

Also, Samira sucks ass through a straw!

Yeah! Through a big boba tea straw.

Yeah, boba butt!
Chew on that boba butt, you bitch!

Boba bubble-butt bitch!

[grunts]

My lord, as you gaze upon Jayzerian,
your sword swells with penis nectar.

Maury, what are you doing?

The new teacher's
got me horny for Shakespeare.

Oh, dear!

Make haste!
Tell Jay you've discarded Aiden,

that he may lay his pearly eggs
upon thine chest.

Ugh. Please don't talk that way
this entire episode.

[grunts] Hey, Charles!
If you're gonna get serious about magic,

-you gotta have your own deck.
-Cool.

I drew tits on all the queens
and dicks on all the kings.

Don't think I forgot about those jacks,
because those guys are jackin' off.

-Thanks.
-So, last night was cool, right?

The magic was sick.

The magic was so sick!

Almost as sick as your mouth
when we hardcore frenched.

-See you later, dude.
-Okay, dude. Uh, enjoy the cards.

I wish I was one of them so I could
feel your hot fingers all over my three.

[chuckles]

Three's my butt.

Oh, uh, hello.

Oh, Thello, m'lord. I doff my cap to thee,
for ye teach-eth like a summer's eve.

There's that great energy again,
but you can talk normally.

[chuckles] Oh, I shan't,
for you hath bewitched me.

-Well, Billy Shakes can do that.
-Ha-ha!

"All the world's a stage,

and all the men and women merely players."

Wow, I normally hate this kind of sh*t,

but you make it sound fun,
like Jack Sparrow.

Thank you?

Why the hell are you wasting your time
with a bunch of loser, idiot kids?

You should be a big-time actor.

Yeah, well, I have been doing
a weekly show. "Shakes Beer in the Bar."

So you're treading the boards.

Very, very cool, Mr. Keating.

Hey, man, you can call me Dylan.

[sighing] Okay, Dylan.

[time slows]

You know you have
a very irregular heartbeat, right?

[chuckles] Yeah.
My doctor says I have "Grandpa heart."

[doorbell rings]

Oh, hey, Nick.
A skunk ran through the apartment,

-is that smell.
-Uh-huh.

Want a pizza bagel
smothered in peanut butter?

Uh, no, thanks, Mr. Glazer.
I-is Jessi home?

Sorry, bud.
She's out to dinner with her mom.

Oh. Okay. I just got her
a little something and I thought--

Oh, sh*t, is it Jessi's birthday?

Oh, it's not Jessi's birthday.

I--I got her something special
to show her how well I know her.

It's a Ruth Bader Ginsburg action figure.
It--it planks.

Very cool.
Can we say it's from Nick and Dad?

Uh, no. It's from me.

Right on. You can leave it in her room.

Is that weird or…

No weirder than that skunk
in my apartment.

[inhales, speaks in French accent] Hello,
I'm super high. [exhales]

Let's melt a bowl of chocolate chips
and watch The Matrix trilogy. [chuckles]

Are we sure about this?

Yes! Women love to find surprises
in their most intimate places.

They do?

[gasps] That's it!

You should leave the gift
under her pillow!

No way, man,
put it in her underwears drawer!

-Huh?
-Then we can sneak a peek at her socks.

I insist on the pillow, Nick.

-Okay.
-You'll be a sensual tooth fairy.

Wait, hold on.
Whoa, whoa, is-- is this Judd's shirt?

Why would she have your brother's shirt?

Oh, my God.
Have Jessi and Judd been hooking up?

That son of a bitch!

Put her birthday present in the trash!

Yes, and destroy that revolting shirt.

Zip, zap, take a sh*t on that.

Turn the pillow over
and let her sleep in your scat!

No! If the shirt's gone and she talks
to her dad, she'll know it was me.

I'm just gonna put it back
and get the f*ck out of here.

Nick! Wait! Before you go,

can you write down Jessi's birthday
on the back of this Chinese menu?

Ooh! Are we ordering Chinese?
Get me one million egg roll.

"Roast me in sulfur!

Wash me in steep-down gulfs
of liquid fire!"

Oh, Desdemona! Dead!"

Thank God!

Uh, the young man at the bar
sent you a drink.

Young man?

[dramatic sting]

-Hark, good sir!
-Ah!

Andrew? How the hell'd you get in here?

I let the bouncer feel my heart b*at

and I got a senior discount.

So, what shall we do now, Dylan?

I say you guys split a Dr. Pepper,

and he tells you
what sex with a girl feels like.

Hey, babe, Mika and Tim
snagged us a table next door.

Who the f*ck is this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Andrew.

This is my fiancée, Sarah.
Andrew is one of my students.

Aww, you came out to support your teacher?

That makes my heart melt.

Yes, very sweet, but unfortunately,
Andrew has to go home now.

I see. You have "plans" with Sarah.

Of course. [chuckles]

Just one thing before you leave, darling.

-[voice distorts] Die!
-Ah!

-[Andrew grunting]
-[choking]

Shakespeare! Shakespeare! Shakespeare!

So nice to meet you, Andrew!

Okay. Bye, Sarah.

So nice to meet you…

Not!

[school bell rings]

Hey, Jessi,
Samira's got karate this afternoon.

-Weird.
-Wanna come over and hang out?

Yeah, I mean, I guess we could hang.

f*ck yes!

Okay, get ready
to take your shoes off because… [gasps]

…that's an extremely
important part of my culture.

Ooh, we're gonna talk
so much sh*t about Samira!

I bet she rolls her dingleberries
in her fingers.

-That's what I had heard too. [chuckles]
-[Missy] Ugh!

I'm gonna go over there.

I'm gonna give Jessi a piece of my mind!

She'll grovel for forgiveness,
and while she's down there,

you can turn around,
and she'll eat your sweet bunghole!

And then the healing can begin.

Jessi, I don't mean to ambush you,
but I gotta tell you,

I feel like I have lyme disease
because, deer, I am ticked off!

I'm sorry. What are you talking about?

You took over my affinity group.

I'm not saying that
you need to smooch my booty,

but you know what? You should apologize!

Fine. I am sorry, I guess,
for helping you get rid of the mascot,

which is exactly what you wanted?

This dry c**t calls that an apology?

That's not… I don't think you should come
to the affinity group meetings anymore.

Oh, no,
I can't come to your boring meetings?

That's such a bummer.

It is a bummer! Because there's going
to be vegan pizza. So, it is a bummer.

I can't believe
she's hooking up with my brother.

Yeah! You wanna be f*cking your brother!

What does she even see in that quiet,
tall, dark, oh, brooding jungle cat?

-Hey, Walter?
-Uh-- Sorry.

f*cking Sarah.

She doesn't get Dylan like you do.
You should be the fiancé!

"Andrew Keating."

-It's poetic, right? Like Shakespeare.
-Have you done any of the reading?

What? There's reading?
I thought, "f*ck books."

I threw away all the books I own.

All right, dudes, we've got a lot
of exciting stuff to dig into today.

So can I get a volunteer
to perform their homework?

"Homework"?

Ugh! Volunteering is a joke.

[chuckles] It's like, uh, get paid!

But at the same time,
I crave the spotlight.

Action, Lola!

"To be, or not to be,
that is the question."

'Tis nobler in the Mind of Mencia

to suffer the CW's Arrow
of Nutrageous fortune?

Or is it more like, "If being alive
means I have to watch Jay be happy,

I'd rather leap off
the f*cking Verrazano"?

So that's Hamlet, which of course,
is French for "tiny ham". So…

Wow! Lola!
You really made it your own. Jam on.

Jam on indeed. Go, Lola.

-[chuckles, snorts]
-Oh, yeah, I guess that was okay.

If you like dog sh*t.

Andrew! That is so uncool
and completely uncalled for!

Dylan! Dyl! Dyl-pickle! Why so sour?

It's me, Drew. Quit gherkin me around.

Andrew, please, not another word from you.

And call me Mr. Keating.

Okay, Mr. Keating,
if that's what you'd like,

-we'll do things your way.
-[ominous music plays]

-[both] Mr. Keating.
-[dramatic sting]

-Hey, Matthew?
-Behold!

'Tis the object of your erection.

Do you have a second
to talk about gay sh*t with me?

Ooh, like how Glenn Close was robbed?

-Huh?
-Never mind.

Full disclosure, I have to piss real bad
so I'm gonna pinch the head of my d*ck.

-Gross.
-Have you ever kissed a guy

and you can't stop thinking about him,
but he's with someone else?

[gasps] Does he speaketh of thee?

And he acts like you don't exist?

Oh, my God, it's totally ye!

Okay, um, before you go any further,
FYI, Aiden and I aren't together anymore.

-Ye, ye, ye, ye!
-Aw.

I'm so sorry to hear that,
man, that sucks.

But what the f*ck does it have
to do with me and Charles Lu?

Excuse ye?

Isn't Charles dating Gina?

Yeah, but he's been
sneaking little smooches with me.

[growls]

[voice distorts] m*therf*cking Charles Lu?

[screams]

My eyes exploded! Awesome!

Ugh!

They're back! Awesome! I love anything!

[Jay] So, what do I do?

Giveth him ill and stinky counsel

that his relationship
with Charles Lu may rot and decay.

Jay, you know what always works?

Ultimatums!

"Multimatums." Go on…

Tell Charles if he doesn't dump Gina,

come out to the whole school,
and say you're his boyfriend,

then you guys are done
and you'll find someone else.

What a long and evil plan, my liege.

Okay, sounds good.

While we were talking, I pissed my pants,

so I'm gonna go to my car,
change my pants, then talk to Charles Lu.

-I'm sorry, you have a car?
-Oh, yeah, I don't really drive it.

It's mostly for pants.

Lo, there it is.

A Corolla full of boys' pants.

What a guy!

No one else came to your meeting.

I can see that, Caleb!

This is all Jessi's fault!

That slippery ginge
turned everyone against you!

[distorted scream]

You should have ordered traditional pizza.

Meeting adjourned.

[knocking lightly]

I'm, like, weirdly excited.

Me too. How's my breath? [exhales]

-Smells like p*ssy.
-Okay, good.

Oh, hey… there.

What the hell? You were
supposed to have alone time with Ali.

Samira! So psyched to see you here.

Yeah, her karate class got canceled.
Isn't this perfect?

Yeah, it's the best.

Jessi was giving me a hard time
about taking her shoes off.

Oh, that's how it's gonna be, huh?

Because I know how to fight.
I dated Chuck Norris.

Hey, Jessi! Have you ever
had someone karate chop your clit?

Probably not.

[Judd grunting]

Your own brother. What a betrayal.

That m*therf*cker, Josh.

[growls]

Die, you snake in the grass!

-[grunting]
-[Leah screams]

Hey, Judd, could you pass me
the salad dressing, you f*cking slut?

How about some balsamic, bitch!

Boys, stop!

Nicky, why on Earth would you
slut-shame your brother at the table?

Because he's hooking up with Jessi,
Woody-Allen-Leo-DiCaprio-Drake-ass bitch!

What the f*ck are you talking about?

-I found your shirt under her pillow.
-Sounds like your friend's a klepto.

Nicky, is it possible
that Jessi has a little crush on Judd?

Oh, my God. She'd rather have an
imaginary relationship with your brother

than a real one with you?

Jesus, I gotta get out of here.

Aww. Jessi likes Judd?
That's so weird and cute.

-This is not cute. My life's a nightmare!
-Nicky, wait!

No! Oh!

[groans]

For what it's worth,
I have a crush on you, Nicky.

I plan my whole day around
bumping into you in the hallway.

[Andrew and Sarah laugh]

[Andrew] Oh, Sarah.
Come on. You're the most.

-Dylan! Look who's here.
-What the f*ck?

This boy is so sweet.

He came all the way here
just to bring you your pen.

You left it at school, silly.

You've got to be careful
with your nice things, Dylan.

Okay, uh, Andrew, can--can I talk
to you in the other room, please?

Sure. Be right back, Sarah.

What are you doing here?

I'm here to drop off your pen,
and I got to know your pretty little wife.

She's actually not my wife,
she's my fiancée.

Well, she's actually not that pretty.

Okay, that's enough.
What do you want from me?

He wants you to love him!

I want you to love me!

What? Andrew! I am your teacher.

No, not even. I'm your substitute!

Is it Sarah? Is that the problem?

Because I sure hope she doesn't have

some sort of terrible accident
at the library.

How do you know she works at the library?

Oh, I know all about Sarah Morgan,
and I've got a library card, I think.

Perhaps I'll pay your homely
little fiancée a visit in the stacks.

You need to get out of here right now!

Dylan? Ow!

-Come on!
-You're hurting me!

Honey, what's going on?

Oh, nothing.
Everything's totally fine here.

Andrew just has to leave!

Oh! Dylan,
just promise me that you'll think of me

-when you eat out your wife!
-Ew!

I thought that was
a totally reasonable request.

-[chatter on laptop]
-Do you guys want some snacks?

Maybe Jessi should
go get them from Timbuktu.

Joke's on her.

You got the most meaningful
snack in the world.

I actually brought us
some of Daddy Greg's pineapple chews!

Oh, hells yeah!

We're gonna fart so hard

-your Wi-Fi goes out.
-[both laugh]

I don't know what's so funny
about toilet humor…

[in accent] You've gotta try
this here pineapple here, there, Samira.

[in accent] Which I did with my mouth.

-[both laugh]
-That voice again.

You don't like farts,
you don't like my voice.

-What do you like, Karate Kid? [farts]
-[laughs]

Don't fart on me!

I didn't fart on you, Samira,
I farted over here, there.

[voice distorts] Shut up!

Oh, my goddess!

[crashes]

[gasps, grunts]

[Samira roars]

[Jessi growls]

-[roars]
-[dramatic music plays]

-What the f*ck is going on?
-[Jessi grunting]

[roars]

You should k*ll your whole family.

Then you can live in a tree house
and eat Sour Patch Kids for dinner.

Nick, I figured it out.

This is actually a good thing.

How is it good
that Jessi's in love with my brother?

Because! You know that Judd
doesn't give a wombat's ass about her.

-Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
-But she doesn't.

Now you just need to let Jessi know
that her dreams are foolish!

Yes! She'll be so devastated
she'll fall right in love with me.

Yeah! It's the perfect m*rder.

[laughs]

You're so f*cking annoying!

[grunts]

-[grunts]
-[alarm blares]

Well, you dress like an Amish widow!

Hi-yah!

[grunts]

[struggling]

Stay away from my girlfriend!

-Guys, stop it! You're being assholes!
-What is she even doing here?

Sami, calm down!

Why are you taking her side?

I'm not taking anybody's side.

I'm your girlfriend, Ali,
and she's just some jerk you fart with.

Uh, I'm her friend!

Well, it's her or me.

[scoffs] Sami! Can we dial back
the drama a f*ckin' smidge?

I just don't like
the way you are with her.

I don't like the way
you guys treat me when you're together.

Well, I don't like you giving me
an ultimatum like a jealous freak!

Well, then, it seems like
you've made your choice.

-What's that supposed to mean?
-It means I'm breaking up with you.

-What?
-[crying]

-Holy sh*t. They broke up!
-We win!

That was so nogawooski!

-Hey! I think you used it right that time!
-[cries]

Oh, man. Ali, are you okay?

That was hard but necessary, right?

No! Jessi, why couldn't you
just have been cool with her?

Oh, sh*t, she's mad.

Is it possible she really liked
that boring, boba, bubble-butt bitch?

I'm sorry. Something came over me.

Yeah, I think you should go.

Honey, maybe let's give her some space.

-Okay, I guess I'll see you at school.
-[cries]

I think we should go home,
reflect on what we've done, and of course,

stuff Judd's shirt in your underpants.

[school bell rings]

Hey, Charles, can I talk to you?

-You know, handsome bro to handsome bro?
-Okay.

Take a seat in ye front row of old
to watch thine horny plan unfold.

Well, everyone likes to sit.

Listen up, Charles,
if you want to keep hooking up with me,

you need to dump Gina,

tell everyone you're gay,
and be like my full-on boyfriend.

-Nah.
-Okay, okay.

Counter offer, dump Gina,
tell some people you're gay,

and we have a TV show we watch together
that's quote, "our show."

-Mmm, no.
-No, no, no. Wait, wait. Final offer.

You stay with Gina, secretly hook up
with me when it's convenient for you,

and I give you a baseball as a present.

-Cool.
-It's signed by Pete Rose's dead brother.

I--I gotta go. Later, dude.

Oh, okay. Later, dude!

[chuckles] Yes!

What the hell happened?
You didn't follow the plan.

And it went even better than I thought!

Because now
I'm his m*therf*cking sidepiece!

That's not what you want!

Um, isn't it?
I am his secret sex meat, Matthew.

Just like my dad's assistant Marsha,

his intern Marsha,
and his sister-in-law Marsha.

Sidepiece wolf! [howling]

I can't believe
I dumped Aiden for nothing.

This is all your fault.

"It gets better"?

-Don't you f*cking dare.
-Sorry.

[school bell rings]

-Hey, how are you doing?
-Pretty shitty. Thanks for asking.

[groans] I really f*cked up.

-We all f*cked up.
-[sighs] We did.

-Uh, Jessi?
-Oh, God, what now?

I'm afraid I have
some im-important news for you.

-Okay.
-And I really, really hate that

I have to be the one to tell you this…

-Uh-huh.
-…but, um, Judd, my brother…

Why's he talking about Judd?

…is not interested in you.

[gags, vomits]

What are you talking about?

I know about the shirt.
And Judd knows about the shirt.

And my whole family knows about the shirt.

-What shirt?
-Jessi, let's not do this.

I'm talking about Judd's shirt
that you keep under your pillow.

-[all gasping]
-Oh, my God! Were you in my room?

Look, I know this is upsetting,

but the important thing
is that I'm here for you,

because, Jessi, I love you.

-Nick, are you seriously doing this again?
-[Lola] Oh, my God.

Yes, I am. I'm doubling down,
because that's what love is.

I just don't like you that way.

-Why not?
-Drop it, Nick!

No, tell me! Y-you have to tell me.
I deserve to know!

-Because I do not want to date you.
-[students gasp]

I am not into you.

You do not make me horny.

Is that enough?

Oh, my God!

Shakespeare would get a big,
old British boner for all this drama!

Uh, Walter?

Alas, Nicholas.
This one 'tis a fatal blow.

I drank some hemlock, but just in case…

[grunts]

Look, I drank some Diet Pepsi.
But just in case, Pop Rocks!

-[fizzling, popping]
-[grunts]

Oh, sh*t.

Everybody, settle down,
just take your seats.

Okay, thank God he's not here.

-So sorry I'm late, Mr. Keating.
-Ah!

I was finishing my homework.

It's okay, Andrew.
Please just take your seat.

I can't wait for you
to see what I've done.

I worked very hard on it.

-I even took a trip to the library!
-[dramatic sting]

-I have a g*n!
-[students scream]

Remember the drill.

Not on me, it's in my car.
But I can see it from here.

It's right next
to that Corolla full of pants.

And I swear to God I will use it
if you don't stay away from my wife!

I thought she was your fiancée.

f*ck! Yes, she is.

And I will not think about you
when I eat her out!

You got Mr. Keating fired, you fat duck!

He's the only teacher
to believe in me and not hit on me.

And what's the deal
with that, Mr. Keating?

I'm a catch, and if you don't see that,

then maybe you should get f*cking fired,
you substitute nobody!

I guess it's true what Othello said.

"Beware jealousy,
for it 'tis the green-eyed monster."

Iago said that.

I've read nothing.
I will continue to read nothing.

["Wedding March" plays]

[Dylan giggles]

[both giggling]

-[sighs, giggles] Mr. Keating.
-[kisses, giggles]

Mrs. Keating.

[kissing]

Um, Dylan, what's wrong?

[Dylan] Uh, nothing.

-Are you thinking about that boy again?
-[gasps]

Are you, Dylan?

Are you thinking about me?

Ah! [echoing] Andrew!

["Wedding March" continues]

[song ends]