01x07 - The Last Day of Our Acquaintance

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Reginald the Vampire"...

I've never felt like this before.

He is everything in the world to me.

I'm looking for a particular herb.

It's called herb-of-the-cross.

The blood we take can heal them

- if we give it back.
- Listen to me.

Don't worry, Reginald.

It'll be over before
you know what hit you.

There's no way that Sarah...

my Sarah... is a vampire slayer.

Here. This'll calm you down.

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

[EERIE DREAMY MUSIC]

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

[BIRD CHIRPING]

Hey, Mr. Bluebird.

Ain't life just grand?

- [GIGGLES]
- [SKIDS SQUEAKILY, THUDS]

♪ My name is Nikki ♪

♪ His name is Reggie ♪

♪ His voice is like an angel's ♪

♪ Every word he says just melts me ♪

♪ Oh, where is he? ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

♪ He left me at this hotel ♪

♪ While I was sleeping ♪

♪ But I'm gonna find him ♪

♪ Even if it takes all day ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm in love ♪

♪ With Reginald the vampire ♪

♪ I've got new feelings ♪

♪ That he's inspired ♪

♪ And I'll give him all the love ♪

♪ That he requires ♪

Once I find him.

[GENTLE ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'm going to make a wild guess.

Just a s*ab in the dark,

you're looking for Reginald.

About ' ". Cute smile.

- Mm-hmm.
- Bald.

♪ Yes, I am ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

[ECHOES]

Yes.

No.

Don't care.

If I didn't have a busy morning planned

looking for the man I love,

you and I would be knee-deep

in your intestines by now.

[LIGHT AMBIENT MUSIC]

[SIGHS] Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Have a good day.

♪ ♪

Hi. Is Reginald here?

Why is everyone looking for Reginald?

If you were looking for someone,

wouldn't Reginald be your first choice?

Probably not.

I mean, maybe, but no, probably not.

Do you know what's weird?
- Every single time.

I feel like I should be
searching for someone,

but I don't know who it
is or why I feel like that.

But no matter what I do,

I can't get the idea outta my head.

Golly, that's interesting.

And as much as I would love to stay

and dig deeper into your head...

I must continue my search for Reginald,

the bestest, kindest, roundest...

- Hi. I'm Claire.
- Hi, Claire.

Do you know where Reginald is?

But I know him.

We're basically best friends.

Maybe you and me can talk for a while

and that'll help you find him?

Can I ask you a personal question?

Ask away, little human.

You're a vampire. Don't try to it.

- Statement, not a question.
- Still...

What on Earth would make you think that?

You've got an umbrella to keep you safe

from the sun, there's
blood on your neck,

and you know Reginald's
deepest, darkest secret,

like you were two of the same kind.

You're not afraid of me.

- No.
- You should be.

I don't scare easy.

Wait.

You want something from me.

How brave you are.

What do you want? Tell me
everything. I'm fascinated.

I feel nauseous and emotional.

I have this weird feeling all the time.

And I don't remember when it started,

but every day it gets worse, bigger.

And I'm not saying that's
because, you know, puberty...

It isn't.

I can see that.

I can smell it too.

You can smell feelings?

[TENDER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Speaking of feelings,

at the moment,

mine are huge and
uncontrollable, volcano-sized.

And while I could sit
here and talk for hours,

I must instead go share this bounty

of my undying affections
with my new lover.

Wait.

I have a proposition for you.

It's a life or death situation.

Maybe we can get together, talk it over?

What do you say to that?

I'd say,

how's about tonight?

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

♪ Oh, where is he? ♪

♪ Have you seen him? ♪

♪ He left me at this hotel ♪

[NORMALLY] While I was sleeping.

♪ But I'm gonna find him ♪

♪ Even if it takes all day ♪

[GIGGLES]

What are you doing here, Nikki?

Delivering gifts to my new lover.

Is he here?

Wait. You saved Reginald?

Saved?

[LAUGHS]

I made sweet love to him

until he purred like a hundred kittens.

Or puppies, but puppies don't purr.

But if they did...

[SIGHS]

Look, Nikki, I don't know
how to explain this to you

in a way you're gonna understand,

but please, just do
me the favor of trying.

Okay, Mo-Mo. Spill.

[SIGHS] Okay.

Reginald has a lot on
his plate right now.

Like I told him, The
Assessment's coming up,

and he needs to focus on his training,

because, as you know, if he fails that,

your "new lover" becomes
your "permanently dead lover."

Not to mention the most
important thing of all,

and I'm sorry to be the
one to tell you this, but...

look, Reggie has a girlfriend.

Yeah, it's his vampire life goal.

Girlfriend?

How human of him.

I'm sure we'll all get on famously.

Are you a couple sighs away
from reaching the point yet?

Look, Nikki, hear me like
your life is at stake, okay?

Stop messing with Reginald.
He can't handle it.

[LAUGHS]

Life. Stake.

If I knew you were this
funny, I would've come sooner.

But all the same, it was really nice

to have this chat with you, Maurice.

Wait for it.

[SIGHS]

Yeah.

Yeah, it was nice
meeting you too, Nikki.

It was nice.

But Reginald is a big boy who
can make his own decisions.

And if you ever try to
take him away from me again,

it won't be such a
pleasant chat next time.

Hey, Reginald's not a toy.

He can't make decisions for himself.

He's still too human.

Don't you remember how that felt?

Thirsty and horny.

[UPBEAT FOREBODING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[DOOR SLAMS]

♪ ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

[DOOR CLICKS OPEN]

Miss, are you okay?

[SOFT EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I'm okay.

♪ ♪

Uh, yeah. Thank you.

♪ ♪

Thank you.

Reginald?

[UNSETTLING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[LINE TRILLING]

It's Reg, but I can't answer
the phone, so beep...

Reginald Andres.

He's about ' ".

Cute smile, bald.

We checked in last night.

I haven't seen anyone leave this morning

that fits that description,

but if he comes by,

I'll let him know you
were looking for him.

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

- Miss Kinney?
- Hmm?

You're all set.

Oh.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[LOCK CLICKS]

Come on.

I feel like...

Pretty sure we agreed that if I
let you switch shifts with Ashley,

you'd be here early to open.

Yeah. We talked about that, right?

[SIGHS]

♪ ♪

It wasn't a dream.

What wasn't a dream?

Everything.

It's so... up and surreal.

My memories, my actions.

I don't know what's happening to me.

I have to find Reginald.

Sarah.

What the hell?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[SOMBER MUSIC]

I know it's been a while.

Oh, sh*t, I don't wanna start like that.

Every prayer starts like that

when you haven't prayed in a while.

Honestly,

this was the only thing I
ever bought from you guys:

a guardian angel who watches over me.

That's just nice

and doesn't strain credulity
in any weird, obvious way.

♪ ♪

I know that you're not my therapist,

or my priest, or my friend.

I don't know what you are,

but I just need someone to listen.

So if you're listening,

my name is Sarah

and my life has recently been weird.

I'm in love with a man who
orbits around that weirdness,

or maybe the weirdness is on his axis,

but... please protect me and Reginald.

Make us both stronger
than what we currently are

for each other and for ourselves.

Whoever you are...

thanks.

And, um, till next time, or decade,

or personal crisis,

amen.

Okay.

Hey, Sarah.

I'm... I'm looking for Reginald.

You and me both.

Come in.

It feels like a dream,

but the more the day goes by,
the less it feels like that.

And this isn't even the
first time this has happened,

these missing pieces inside my head.

[SOFTLY] I don't understand
what's happening to me.

And sometimes,

I don't know if I wanna
kiss him or k*ll him.

How's that even possible?

That confusion you're feeling,

it will fade

until all you wanna do is kiss.

Okay? Trust me on that.

But until it does,

maybe just keep your distance.

I...

I would never...

hurt Reginald.

I care so much about him.

And that's something
that grows and grows,

so why would I ever do
anything to ruin that?

I don't understand.

Sarah,

if you let me,

I can make sure this
never happens to you again.

Promise?

[BRIGHT IDYLLIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Reginald...

[RECORD SCRATCH]

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

[SIZZLING]

- ♪ Such a glorious day ♪
- [HISSES] Aah!

♪ Good morning ♪

- ♪ Good morning ♪
- [GASPS]

- ♪ Don't waste it all away ♪
- [SNORING]

♪ ♪

♪ Turn on the radio ♪

[DRAMATIC MUSICAL STING]

♪ Let's all enjoy this happy day ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

♪ Good morning ♪

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[MUSIC SWELLS]

♪ ♪

Good morning, sir. How can...

Sarah Kinney!

Has she checked out yet?

Sarah Kinney. [KEYBOARD CLICKING]

Yes.

She checked out this morning, Reginald.

Ah, you might want to put on pants

before you go outside.

Pants are customary inside too,

but not much I can do about...

[SNORING]

[TENSE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Excuse me.
- Hey.

- Smock up, friendo.
- Uh...

I'm not gonna thank you, Reginald,

but with the day I've been having...

I mean, the whole week actually...

it almost makes me want to.

What's with the umbrella?

Have you seen Sarah?

I wanna talk to the manager.

You just missed her.
First she shows up late

for her switch shift with
Ashley, acting all crazy,

and then she just walked out the door.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Is this some weird game between you two?

Because I do have the
power to fire you both.

Todd, look. Thank you.

I sympathize. I totally understand.

Thanks, man, that actually means a lot

that you're listening... what?

Where are you going, Reg?

No, no, no, no, no,
no. Come back, please.

Please, Reg! Reg! Reg! Reg!

Yeesh.

- You missed training.
- Have you seen Sarah anywhere?

I'm trying to find her, and
she's not at her apartment,

or the Slushy Shack,
or where I left her.

What if she's hurt?

What if I'm going crazy?

What if you die at The Assessment?

I don't have time for that right now.

Reggie, get ahold of yourself.

The Assessment is literally

the only damn thing you have time for.

And it was going so well.

Nice dinner.

We got to the hotel room.

And then she went to the bathroom,

where she tried to k*ll me!

Start from the beginning. Slowly.

What happened last night?

[SIGHS]

Sarah and I had a date
at the hotel restaurant.

We went up to the room together.

We were about to get in bed

when she went into the bathroom
and came back with a stake

and tried to s*ab me
through the heart with it.

She wasn't herself.

She was insane,

so I got out of there,
locked her in a closet

so she wouldn't try to k*ll me.

But then, I came back
to find her this morning,

and she was gone.

But this was right where she left it.

[EERIE MUSIC]

It's like someone glamoured her,

but who would glamour Sarah like that?

Angela.

Angela would glamour Sarah like that.

She saw an opportunity to make a move

when you were most
vulnerable, and she made it.

Angela turned Sarah into her k*ller,

and you were the target.

How do you know that?

Wait a sec.

You talked to Sarah already, didn't you?

Yeah.

Yeah, Sarah's looking for you,

but I wanted to hear your
version of last night first.

Look, the thing with
this sort of glamour is...

well, there's a chance
that Sarah might still have

a homicidal urge or two, okay?

And I strongly encourage
you to wait a few days

just to make sure it's fully worn off.

[PHONE CHIMES, BUZZES]

I don't have time for that.

Reggie.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[BRIGHT IDYLLIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Reginald!

♪ ♪

I've been looking for you everywhere.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

♪ My name is Nikki ♪

♪ His name is Reggie ♪

I think we should go
somewhere more private.

We've got a lot to talk about.

- Oh, okay. Yeah.
- ♪ He says that he loves me ♪

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

[SADLY] Once I find him.

Hey, what the hell happened last night?

That's ancient history.
You know, ages ago.

It was last night.

Well, you know what, time
is an elastic concept,

and I feel like the way we perceive time

is, uh, you know.

You know, it was like I was there

and not there at the same time.

And Reginald, I think I
tried to hurt you last night,

but that can't be true, can it?

Hey, think we could
table this conversation

a bit longer so I can experience

the greatest thing that's
ever gonna happen to me.

- [LAUGHS]
- I feel like hopes are high.

- It's your first time.
- Mm-hmm.

[INHALES DRAMATICALLY]

Follow my lead.

- Ah.
- [GIGGLES]

Ah.

What are you looking at?

Your neck.

- Is that weird?
- [LAUGHTER]

Oh, okay.

- When you close your eyes...
- Yeah.

Do you see pointy sticks?

No, I see a nice neck.

- [CHUCKLES]
- And I wanna kiss it.

- Aw.
- [LAUGHS]

Mm. [CHUCKLES]

[SIGHS]

There's a blank space

between you and me in the hotel room

and me waking up in the
closet the next morning.

Well, we had dinner and drinks.

Then, we went up to the room,

where, you know, you sort of fell asleep

before we could do anything.

Maybe someone put something in my drink?

- Mm-mm-mm.
- I can't remember.

Well, I woke up and you were gone, so...

In the closet.

I don't know how I got there,

but I'm pretty sure that I was att*cked

by the same woman who sang
with us at the karaoke bar.

But that's crazy, right?

[LAUGHTER] I mean...

[SIGHS] I gotta find
out what happened to me.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hmm.

You're fast.

Double solitaire is my jam.

It's like you memorized
every card in both decks.

I maybe just have a really great memory.

No sh*t.

Okay, I surrender

to your strangely superior gameplay.

Okay, I accept your surrender.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, they're everywhere.

This is perfect.

Close enough.

[LAUGHS] No, I mean literal perfection.

It's, like, happiness times infinity.

And I don't even know
what that equals, but I...

I like you too, Reginald.

That's a lot better than
wanting to k*ll me, right?

So progress?

Mm. [LAUGHTER]

[LIGHT PLAYFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What's with that weird umbrella?

Oh, this is a parasol actually.

I don't remember you having a parasol.

I suffer from solar urticaria.

Solar what-now?

Urticaria?

Um, basically, exposure to sunlight,

uh, I'm allergic to it.

I get hives.

Do they itch?

He is the most gentle of lovers,

and I've had more than my share.

Except I often k*ll them after.

But I made an exception this time

because there's something
about him that moves me.

It moved me from the
moment I heard him sing.

Reginald?

You're talking about Reginald Andres?

He is my new lover.

Wow.

Just... wow.

But enough about me.

Tell me about this life
or death proposition

you wish to offer me,
which is, of course,

my favorite kind.

I wanna be a vampire like you are.

Of course you do.

That's not a business proposition.

That's a fever dream of the first order.

Why are you dreaming this dream?

- Do I have to tell?
- Yes.

Because it's the only
way for me to fight evil.

But you understand, we don't fight evil.

We are evil.

In the most delightful way,
however, biblical in origin.

Personally, current distinctions

between good and evil
leave a lot to be desired.

I need to fight this fight.

And I would love to turn you...

and we could fight together...

but one does not turn
without preparation.

One does not turn before one is ready.

You are the "one" in this
formulation if you didn't know.

I know.

So prepare, Claire.

That rhymes.

Prepare, and when you're of age,

I will most definitely
grant your wish...

but only when you're ready
for the everlasting life

and everything that comes with it...

[WIND WHOOSHING]

I smell sulfur.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

What lives beyond this door?

My mom. She's sleeping.

Wait!

Definitely sulfur.

How often does it come?

Most nights.

I don't know how to stop it.

And how's your mother afterwards?

Different, but she's still my mom.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I once heard rumor of a child vampire

who terrorized all of
Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

I promise not to terrorize
anyone who doesn't deserve it.

I believe you.

♪ ♪

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

Hello, lover!

I'm thrilled that you're here. [GIGGLES]

I'm giving back your parasol.

We need to talk.

Speak to me, roundish lover.

I can't be your lover.

I promise not to k*ll
you, if that's a concern.

Which is sweet, but...

[SIGHS]

Look,

it's not you.

It's me.

"It's not you.

It's me"?

Basically sums it up, reversing
the me/you polarity of course.

[LAUGHS]

That's sounds like
something humans would say

when they're confused about
their place in the universe

or trying to get out of a bad date.

But we're not humans,

you and I,

so how could that possibly be relevant?

[SIGHS] Well, that was worth a sh*t.

I should go.

Wait.

You brought me tribute.

Surely there's something
I can give you in return?

It's just an umbrella.

Parasol.

Right, but...

Quench your undying
thirst before you go.

Drink from me.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Love is a mystery unlike any other,

but I think I understand
my place in it now.

Yes, it was your voice
and the song you sang,

but over time, I've come
to recognize a difference.

Your intelligence impresses me.

[GIGGLES] Your sense of humor amuses me.

And there's something else I
can't quite put my finger on.

- I'm plus-sized?
- That's it!

I love your shape because
there's so much of you.

The more you are,

the more there is for me to love.

This doesn't feel like love.

Blood is life.

It fills us with power.

In my recent experience,

love is like blood.

It fills me up.

Drink.

Drink until you're full.

[SUCKING]

[GIGGLES]

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Party on the block, bro ♪

♪ Pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

♪ Pump, pump it up ♪

Monogamy is for humans, not vampires.

Why should I limit myself when
I've got the perfect setup?

She gives me blood, she gives me kisses.

Put 'em together...

the perfect woman.

Sucking and f*cking,

that is the vampire life.

Are we gonna work out or what?

Sure, Reggie.

We'll work out because
the damn Assessment

is right around the corner,
and if you fail that,

you have all the time in the world

'cause you'll be dead,

and I'll be dead too.

Maybe I might surprise you.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Baby. [LAUGHTER]

- Lemme get the door.
- [SQUEALS]

♪ La, la, la,
la, ooh, la, la ♪

- _
- ♪ Nothing in this world is for free ♪

♪ You always pay a price ♪

No! Missy, you have two
g*ns! That's not fair.

There's no rules! Suck it!

Ah, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- Skrrt... sh*t!
- [LAUGHS]

- _
- ♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

- _
- ♪ ♪

♪ Love ♪

- _
- ♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ ♪

- _
- ♪ Love ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love ♪

- ♪ Love is a drug ♪
- ALL: ♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ Love is a drug ♪

- _
- ♪ Love is a drug ♪

♪ ♪

We should go out.

I think I told you about
my sunlight allergy, right?

Is that a new umbrella?

What happened to your parasol?

I lost it. [CHUCKLES]

We could go to the park
or our favorite bench.

We have night shifts, so...

We could, but I'm just so
happy being here with you.

Except for all the times
you mysteriously dash off

and leave me.

I have a very strict workout regimen

that requires all my
focus and dedication.

[HEARTBEAT THUMPING]

Whoa! Reginald, are you okay?

I'll be right back.

What's wrong?

[EERIE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hello, Todd.

Every time I go for a run,

I end up running here,

but I don't know why I do that.

That feeling will fade.

Trust me.

I trust you more than
any person I've ever met,

which is weird, right?

I mean, I don't even know your name.

Maurice.

Hi, Maurice.

Goodbye, Todd.

Uh, can I come in, please?

No. [LAUGHS]

Not today. Not in
your current condition.

Next time I go for a run,

I'm gonna end up
running right back here,

no matter what I try to do.

I know.

[LOCK CLICKS]

What?

[SUCKING]

Is this weird?

I bathe multiple times a day.

[LAUGHS] No, I mean us.

Us is perfect. Don't you think?

Well, I don't really
know anything about you

except that Angela hired you
to k*ll me, but you didn't.

What do you wanna know
about me, roundish lover?

Something unbelievable.

I have secrets.

Tell me one of them.

Once upon a time,

a fearsome vampire,
Logan, decided he was made

for the bigger and bestest things,

but his great rival, Abraham,

held the utmost deacon of the Americas.

Abraham was a vampire of legend,

oldest of our kind,

one possessed of unimaginable powers.

Abraham could turn a
vampire back to human,

like a God or an angel might do.

Logan hired me and my partner, Stanley,

to find Abraham and k*ll
him deader than dirt.

Stanley was vicious.

And kind.

He had white patch in his hair,
and nobody called him "Patchy,"

and that's sad.

[LAUGHS]

We found Abraham in
a place far from here

called Spokane, Washington.

Stanley went ahead, as was our custom.

He was truly the best
k*ller-diller of all.

[MELANCHOLIC MUSIC]

But Stanley was lost that day

and never found.

And I was trapped by
phantoms, and ghosts,

and everything upside down,

so I ran away from that haunted place

as fast as my feet could run.

Phantoms and ghosts?

I was afraid.

I've never been afraid a
single time since that day,

but I will never forget the feeling.

On the plus side,

Abraham was never heard from again,

and Logan took his council seat,

and maybe Stanley did
not die for nothing.

The end.

♪ ♪

[SUCKING]

[SOFTLY] I have secrets.

What's the sitch with Reginald?

He's supposed to be here.
I don't know what happened.

All right, there you go. Cheers.

Have you ever felt like
something happened to you,

but it didn't happen at the same time,

but you have no idea
why you feel like that?

All the time.

I would very much like to
purchase a delicious slushy

for my new lover.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SIGHS]

Does your new lover
have a favorite flavor?

As a matter of fact, beverage servant,

nothing tickles his taste
buds like a Pineapple Surprise.

♪ ♪

[SUCKING]

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

♪ ♪

Hey, Sarah!

You read my mind.

How did you do that?

Three is truly the happiest number.

In case you're wondering, I'm referring

to the three-way we're about to have...

you, me, and Reginald.

And if that's not the
stairway to heaven,

I don't know what Page
and Plant were thinking.

[FOREBODING MUSIC]

♪ ♪

No. No, wait.

Sarah, wait!

Well, that's not what
I had in mind at all.

Please, Sarah, wait.

I can explain.

Leave me alone.

But it's not what it looks like.

I... I mean, it's partially
what it looks like,

but it's not as bad as it seems.

I knew something was wrong,

but God damn it, Reginald,
I didn't even consider...

No, we can turn back time, okay?

I can make this go away.

What the hell are you talking about?

Pretend? I would never...

Listen to me!

Forget what you saw in the hotel room.

Forget Nikki. Forget me.

You never came here.

You left work, but you came back,

and you have no memory of where you were

until you see me again, and
everything will be wonderful.

Sure, Reginald.

I can do that.

I'll forget what I
saw in the hotel room.

I'll forget Nikki.

I'll go back to work,
and I'll have no memory

of where I was until you see me again,

and everything will be wonderful.

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

But most of all...

I'll forget you.

Wait, Sarah. Wait.

- [BRACELET CRACKLES]
- Aah!

Where did you get that bracelet?

Maurice gave it to me.

Hey, Sarah.

What are you doing here?

I've got a very important
appointment with Nikki.

She's a vampire too. Did you know that?

Dude, you look like someone b*at
your dog to death with your cat.

Hey, Nikki.

Nikki, wait up. Where are you going?

When I make a mistake,

I don't fail to make
the biggest one possible,

and I like that about myself.

It keeps things interesting,

but you lied to me, and you lied to her!

You are a bad toy.

You are not my dream lover.

You are not the song the angels sing.

Maurice Miller was right about you.

You're not one of us.

Not yet.

You're still full of human,

and I have zero
tolerance policy for that.

I eat humans. I do not let them eat me.

Also, I'm bored

and do not wanna play with you anymore.

Wait. You can't just go.

Not now. Please.

I'm sorry, little human.

- I can't help you.
- [ELEVATOR DINGS]

But maybe that's best for everyone.

What did you do?

You ruined everything.

- It doesn't matter.
- Nikki was gonna help me.

She was gonna turn me into a vampire

so I can fight evil.

Claire, stop!

Look at me.

Is this the life you want?

How does eternity look to you now?

Because trust me,

it's not all it's worked up to be.

It's blood, and hunger,

and you have no...
idea what it feels like.

And right now, the last thing I need

is a disappointed fangirl who
didn't get fangs for Christmas.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

assh*le.

♪ ♪

[SIGHS] I can't be out.

There's got to be blood somewhere.

♪ ♪

Dude, where the hell have you been?

Are you drunk?

God.

No, no, no, no, wait.

Cheeseburger overdose.

Yeah, it's entirely possible for you.

You know what you are?

You're a disease.

You're making everybody sick around you.

[PHONE CHIMES] Note to self:

take Reginald's Employee
of the Month photo

and throw it in the trash.

Listen to me!

I'm gonna drink your blood,

and that fills you
with joy and happiness.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[GROANS]

♪ ♪

[PANTING]

Todd?

f*ck! f*ck!

♪ ♪

[CELL PHONE KEYPAD BEEPS]

Hello? Help!

Something horrible happened
at the Slushy Shack!

Hurry! I... I need your help!

♪ ♪

[POUNDING AT DOOR]

f*ck you!

I could've handled this.

I would have.

You decided to teach me a
lesson for some f*cking reason.

You opened your big mouth to Nikki

and you give Sarah that bracelet.

You turn me,

and then you wreck me.

Why?

Why would you do that to me?

Wasn't I good enough for you?

Wasn't I a good enough
man for you to trust?

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪ ♪

I lost Sarah.

I lost Claire.

I lost Nikki.

I k*lled Todd.

I'm a liar and an assh*le

and a m*rder*r,

but that's all on you.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪ ♪

♪ You're pretty when you sleep ♪

♪ Like frozen memories ♪

♪ I hold inside my mind ♪

♪ When I can't sleep at night ♪

♪ I wanna say goodbye ♪

♪ But if I do, you'll cry ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Please don't cry ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I think ♪

♪ I'm gonna ♪

♪ Cry ♪

♪ I'm starting over ♪

♪ Tonight ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Anything and everything ♪

♪ I'm thinking things ♪

♪ That I should not think ♪

♪ Oh, anything ♪

♪ ♪