02x04 - A Whole Other Hole

[bunniefuu]

[ Gate Closes ]

[ Woman ]
♪ The animals, the animals ♪

♪ Trapped, trapped, trapped
till the cage is full ♪

♪ The cage is full
The day is new ♪

♪ And everyone is waiting,
waiting on you ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ Think of all the roads ♪

♪ Think of all their crossings ♪

♪ Taking steps is easy ♪

♪ Standing still is hard ♪

♪ Remember all their faces ♪

♪ Remember all their voices ♪

♪ Everything is different ♪

♪ The second time around ♪

[ Gate Closes, Lock Clicks ]

♪ And you've got time ♪

♪ And you've got time ♪♪

[ Gate Closes, Lock Clicks ]

[ Chattering, Faint ]

Ripped By mstoll

[ Grunts ]
sh*t.

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Blows ]

[ Groans ]

Oh! Sorry, Miss Rosa.

It's colder than Eskimos' nuts in here.

I'm tryin' to get the heat goin'...

but when I turn it up too high,
a real bad smell comes out of the blowers.

I-I think it's mouse sh*t.

You know, they live in the engine.
Just don't breathe in.

- [ Door Closes ]
- I'm going to get poison pumped into my veins.

- What's a little mouse sh*t in my lungs?
- [ Laughs ]

All set? Seat belts on?

How's the wedding planning going?

We're holdin' off for a minute.

Just pressin' the pause button.

Too many people want to come,
you know?

I-I got a big family.

Big number-wise, not big fat.

Although there are some fatties.

And it's hard for me to book
all the vendors from in here.

You know,
none of 'em are on my approved call list.

Weddings were bad luck for me.

All my husbands d*ed.

- How many were there?
- Two.

The third one I wouldn't marry.

Once you know you got a curse on you...

you can work around it.

He lives in Canarsie.

I didn't know that.

You never talk about your life.

[ Scoffs, Chuckles ]
Nobody cares.

- How much time you got left?
- More than two years.

You're still young, pretty.

You got your whole life ahead of you.

Me...

I'm gonna die here.

- Where the heck have you been?
- [ Children Chattering ]

- At the movies.
- Perfect.

In the middle of the day. What'd you see?

- Twilight.
- For, what, the 14th time?

Don't you live
the f*ckin' life of leisure?

Hey, noise pollution one and two.

I'm trying to watch my program here.
And send those kids outside.

Mikey, turn it up.

Ma's been ringin' her bell for an hour.

- What am I, Cinderella?
- It is your turn.

I cleaned her sheets this morning,
piss and everything.

Oh!

Watch your baby, would ya?

It's a miracle he's lived this long.

- Ugh.
- Hey.

- [ Bell Dinging ]
- [ Stansie ] Lorna! Lorna!

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

All right.

Hello.

Yes, I, uh-
I purchased a-a pair of shoes from you.

Order 11006178.

A pair of patchwork platform Pradas. Uh-huh.

Yeah, I can see
that my card has been charged...

but I never received them.

No, I haven't moved.

Yeah. That's the address I gave you.

No, I-I'm not accusing you
of not having sent them...

but the fact is, they never came.

Yes. Yes, it is unfortunate
'cause I had this big party to go to...

and I had to wear last season's Miu Mius.

Hmm.

No. No, I don't want another pair.

I want a refund.

Yeah, that's right, a full refund.

Uh-huh.

Oh, thank you for your honesty.

I really appreciate it.

Yes. Yes, I do have my card number.

[ Vee ]
Check this bitch out.

I'm surprised she doesn't get a sh*t
for putting on that face.

[ Laughs ]
If the cop's in a bad mood, she does.

I'm seeing a lot of blue eye shadow
and red lipstick.

It's not coming outta commissary.

Who's importing around here?

Not really a lot of contraband these days.

Hey, not since Red got shut down.

- Red, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, that figures.

Still, there's got
to be some holes in this cheese.

Somebody is bringing in something.

Well, Poussey makes hooch.

Oh, and Chang, she got that Tiger Balm...

but don't put it on your lips
or your eyeballs.

Bad idea.

- Hooch, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

sh*t tastes nasty.

It's like vomit wine coolers.

It's got Kool-Aid,
old fruit, ketchup and moldy bread.

She sells that?

I can't drink it. Makes me feel funny.

Makes my head all... fuzzy.

[ Black Cindy ]
You still cartin' that sh*t around?

- You one determined mofo.
- What the f*ck is that?

It's a pee funnel.

A what?

I'm tired of trying to pop a squat
over them nasty-ass toilets.

This rig is gonna make it easy.

Yo, that's crazy. How you gonna use that?

Yo, with this,
I can pee standing up like a dude.

Take this part, put it over my stuff.

Take this little tube part,
put it in the toilet.

Or, you know what I'm saying, right over it.

It's genius, yo.

I'm gonna call it “The Stand and Deliver.”
[Laughs]

Hey, you should call the patent office
right now, make a million dollars.

- Really?
- Hell, no.

That's the stupidest idea I ever heard.

No, it ain't, man.

Them toilets be cold as f*ck in the morning.

You'll see. Everybody gonna be
wanting one of these to piss in.

Please. We're eating.

Yeah, I just gotta find me
some waterproof tape or something...

to get these two parts together.

I don't see why you need the funnel.

Like, can't you just put the tube up in you?

- Uh, no, 'cause that's not where the
pee comes out. - Uh, yeah, it do.

- Out the big hole.
- Yeah.

No, y'all. There's a different hole.

For pee? What?

Uh-uh. You crazy.

Y'all, there's the main coochie hole...

and then here's, like,
another little hole just for pee.

- [ Together ] No.
- Didn't y'all take sex ed?

She's right. There's an eeny, meeny,
weeny, weeny pee hole.

Man, you trippin'.
It all come out the same hole.

The vag*na hole.

A'ight. Then how come you can still pee
when you got a tampon in you?

Mmm? I'm telling you, there's two holes.

Three holes.

- The butt!
- [ Laughs ]

A'ight, you are all disgusting.

I'm out.

I am not even gonna entertain
this conversation.

Suzanne, you comin?

[ Man On PA ]
Available officers to inmate assignments.

Put my order in.
[ Laughs ]

I'm so confused.

Where is it at?

Yo, I still don't see
what the hell you talkin' about.

You know, your hole, like, your sex hole?

[ Taystee ]
The vag*na hole.

- Yeah, I got that.
- Y'all are crazy.

Man, I wish I had a phone
to record this sh*t.

Now, look, underneath your clit,
before the main hole-

or, like, just inside the top of it-

Man, I still can't see sh*t down here.

There's like- like too many,
like, flappy flap thingies.

Oh, God.

How you know all this?

I've been up close and personal
with my share of p*ssy.

- You want me to just show you?
- No.

No,no,no.
I can do it. Just tell me where.

Okay, right inside the big old hole...

there's another hole, like a little one.

Wait. What?

I thought you said
it was a whole other hole.

It's a hole in a hole.

For the love of God, girls,
the hole is not inside the hole.

You have your vag*na proper,
and you have your clitoris.

The urethra is located
between the clit and the vag*na...

inside the labia minora.

- For real?
- For real.

I designed one myself.
Had plans drawn up and everything.

I've seen some funky poonanny in my day.

I'm not gonna leave that sh*t up to chance.

Here. Take a long look, honey.

You'll see what I'm talking about.

[ Gasps ]
Oh, my God.

Holy sh*t.

Yo, yo, she's right.

Aw, it's cute.

- Hey, I'm next.
- Yeah, me too.

[ Chattering ]

- [ Man On PA, Indistinct ]
- Nichols.

What the f*ck?
Why you pickin' all the peaches?

- I have no idea what you're talkin' about.
- Yes, you do.

Hascowitz. I've been trying to get
bumper-to-bumper with that for a month.

And now she feels used...

and doesn't want to sleep around
because you got there first.

Uh, used, huh?

She wasn't exactly new
when I rode in her, eh?

A little dented, actually.

Right? The upholstery was worn.

You knew I was after that.

What can I say?
Not everyone wants a diesel d*ke.

- Lay off my marks.
- [ Scoffs ]

Seriously. Enough with the cliterference.

- What's this?
- Oh, put that back, please.

Would you give it back.

Who is Brook?

Oh, yeah. That's the new girl, isn't it?

Hot one of the Asian persuasion?

Oh, my God. I found your f*ck book.

- All right, so what if it is?
- Oh, you f*cking junkie.

- [ Mutters]
- No, I get this.

Better p*ssy than smack, right?

It's not an addiction.
It's a collection, right?

Some people collect buttons
or Taco Bell Chihuahuas.

I collect orgasms.

See, I'm all about giving.

I am like a bean-flicking Mother Teresa.

You know what?

This here is my kind of competition.

- [ Scoffs ]
- It's on.

Ooh, bitch. This is on.

So what's the deal with Miss Rosa?

I mean, I know they say
she has cancer and everything...

but are they sure it's not alopecia?

And what's the deal with this room?

Is everyone in here, like,
new or sick or just old?

I mean, I can't believe
how many old people there are in here.

Like, what did they do
that they're still in here?

Like, what did she do?

None of your f*cking business,
you mental patient.

Seriously, have they all been in here
since, like, the '70s?

No, most of them got transferred
up from max for good behavior.

Wow. It is crazy to think about...

how many years they've spent
in here, you know?

I mean, I've been arrested before,
like, loads of times.

When they cleared out Zuccotti Park,
I spent three whole days in a cell...

but that was jail and this is prison.

They're pretty much the same thing.

No, they're not.
Your parents pick you up from jail.

[ Anita ]
Take out her batteries, would you?

I'm trying to take a nap over here.

Chapman, Soso.

Happy day in Cell Block A.
You are being assigned.

Oh.

Wait, did we do something wrong?

No, we're getting our bunks.

Oh. Cool beans.
[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God.
Does that mean we're gonna be roomies?

Just so you know,
I do snore sometimes, so-

But only if I'm on my back
or if I have a cold...

so just tell me to roll over,
and I totally will.

- Morning, Officer Bell.
- O'Neill.

Wow. I didn't expect the bunks
to feel so dorm-y.

Kind of reminds me of camp, you know?

Except without the gimp bracelets
and the archery...

and it's kind of sad.

What a bunch of vultures.

[ Man On PA ] Sort team requested at Gate A.
Sort team requested at Gate A.

- Hey. Did you just steal that book?
- It's mine. I'm reclaiming it.

Chapman, in here. Soso, follow me.

We're not together?

Did you go to summer camp?

But seriously, it was the best time.

Hi, Red.

Oh, no, hon.

You're not in here.

Looks like I am.

[ Woman On PA ]
Your attention, please.

Sign-ups are available for recovery meeting.

Check the bulletin board.

- Can I move some of this stuff?
- No, you may not.

Can I have a few of those hooks then?

I need all four of them.

They are mine.

What are you gonna do?

Not feed me?

I have a mealy bug infestation.

They secrete this powdery wax substance.
It's a bitch to get off.

- You gave me a roommate.
- Yes, I did.

I haven't had a bunkie in 12 years.

We don't get special privileges
when we turn our prison assignment...

into a drug-smuggling operation.

You know that was never my game.

Sure, pin it on a guy
who's not here to defend himself.

He was counting on that.

You got too big for your britches, Red.

We all turned the other way when you were
bringing in panty hose and nail polish.

Seemed harmless. Kept the ladies happy.

And Healy, he had his head
shoved so far up your ass...

he could chew your food for ya.

So frankly, I don't give a sh*t
whether it was you or somebody else.

You let dr*gs in here.

A girl d*ed because of you.

A small leak can sink a great ship.

- You know who said that?
- No.

Neither do I.
But I can't have leaky holes in my prison.

Nothin' coming in, nothin' going out.

Welcome to retirement, Red.

Get a hobby.

Crochet yourself a f*ckin' hammock
for all I give a sh*t.

Use a mixture of garlic, vinegar
and hot pepper sauce.

It's a natural insecticide.

Park in the garage,
and I'll see you in three hours.

I know the drill.

- [ Handcuffs Ratcheting ]
- I hate this part.

Poor you.

[ Man On Radio ]
♪ You must have read my mind ♪

♪ And all these dreams
I saved for a rainy day ♪

♪ They're finally coming true ♪

♪ I'll share them all with you ♪

♪ 'Cause now we hold the future
in our hands ♪

[ Singing Along ]
♪ Oh, almost paradise ♪

♪ We're knocking on heaven's door ♪

♪ It's almost paradise ♪

♪ How could we ask for more? ♪

♪ I swear that I could see forever ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ Paradise ♪

♪ And in your arms,
salvation's not so far away ♪

- ♪ It's getting closer and closer- ♪♪
- [ Engine Starts ]

Oh! Oh, oh, my goodness.

I am so sorry.

- No, that was me. Please, please.
- No.

- Oh, my God. I'm such a klutz.
- Not at all.

Just looks like you could use
a couple more arms.

[ Both Chuckle ]

Here you go.

Wow. I heard the postal service
was going bankrupt...

but looks like you're personally
gonna turn that around.

Uh- Well, you- I do- I do what I can.

- True patriot, huh?
- Oh, yeah. Oh, I love my country.

Either that or you're running a mail scam.

Yes. Oh!

Hey. Here.

Let me help you with that.

- Thank you. Thank you, uh-
- Yeah.

Uh, Christopher.

Christopher.

Yeah.

Um, sorry. You-You look like somebody.

I'm Lorna Morello.

Oh.

Beautiful and Italian.
Today must be my lucky day.

[ Chuckles ]

Well, Miss Morello, after you're done
cleaning this place out of postage...

maybe I could take you for a coffee?

I would love that, Christopher.

Thank you.

- Well, if it isn't the wily inventress of Litchfield-
- [ Chuckles ]

About to make a fortune for herself.

Uh, you know it.
Yo, but I'm thinking of changing the name.

What you think about the “She-wee”?

No, I'm talking about
your other little side business.

- Pruno.
- Oh, my hooch?

Oh, that's just for fun. There's no charge.

- The girls would pay for it.
- I mean, but that ain't the point.

- I make it for me and my friends.
- Yeah, but you're missing an opportunity.

Besides, I got me a k*ller recipe.

We could compare notes,
tweak it a little bit, charge by the cup.

Hell, we could charge by the sip.

Uh, nah. That ain't my bag.

Sorry.

[ Man On PA, Indistinct ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

How are you feeling? You look better.

You want to keep a burn from scarring?

Mix some lemon juice with Vaseline.
Apply it every day.

- What do you want?
- I want you to stop sulking.

I never meant for you to get hurt.

I did it for the good of the family.

It's not good enough, Red. No.

Fine.

[ Woman On PA ]
Guard Wester, call 609.

May I sit here?

Of course, dear.

Tell that man at the end of the table
to stop winking at me.

Don't watch her eat. It'll drive you insane.

She'll finish that soup next Monday.

This is not looking right.

Because you stitch too tight.

Make a gauge swatch like I told you,
and count your stitches.

You won't have that problem.

We have a crochet circle,
if you'd like to join.

Oh, I don't crochet.

But that sounds... very nice.

Oh, it's boring as hell,
but what else have we got to do?

What happened to my pants?

The ones you're wearing?

You just work on that soup there, Jimmy.

Like a liquefied bowl of Jell-O.

I can hear you, you old c**t.

[ Man On PA, Faint ]

f*ck these b*tches.

- I'm not done reading that!
- Everybody dies.

[ Man On PA ]
B Block, pick up your work cards.

- This is mine.
- No, it ain't.

Then why does it have
my inmate number carved in the back?

Fine, Inspector Gadget.

Inspector Gadget was not a good detective.

He just had a lot of stuff.

Plus, he had Penny and the Brain
helping him.

You best get the f*ck out now.

This is unbelievable.

You too?

None of us thought you were coming back.

Really?

Ain't about you. I like the beach.

Keep it.

That's my blanket.

- No, this is Miss Claudette's blanket.
- It's mine.

We've talked about this.
And I'm taking it back.

[ Scoffs ]
Really?

And how do you suppose
you're going to do that?

I don't want to have
to get physical with you.

Oh, please.

I could snap your femur
like a toothpick, Twiggy.

f*ck off.

Piper, there you are. Hi.

Um, so, I heard tonight is movie night...

and I don't have headphones yet,
so I went to the-

Hey. What's your name?

Um- So, anyway...

I guess I just don't understand this Chinese
lady at the commissary.

Is she Chinese?
I don't want to presume. She could be Malay.

- Not now, Brook.
- Okay, should I meet you out here?

I'm busy. Go back to your cube.

Now.

Okay, yeah.

[Chuckles]
Looks like you got yourself a pet kitten.

I want to put her in a bag of rocks...

- and dump her at the bottom of the lake.
- [ Laughs ]

Hey.

You really want that blanket?

Maybe we could... work out a trade?

All this pee-hole business-

Like, what the f*ck else don't I know?

I been livin' all these years and never even
looked at my own damn vajayjay.

What other surprises my body
gonna spring on me?

I mean, have you looked at these feet ever?

Like, I don't want to scare you,
but I'm not sure this one right here's a toe.

- Shut up.
- Nah, the little one, it don't look right.

Could be a pencil eraser,
old piece of jerky.

- Oh, leave my feet alone.
- [ Laughing ]

Yo, I'm done anyway.

Check out my masterpiece.

- [ Laughs ]
- What? That's a hot-ass mess.

- It's abstract, yo. - You only supposed
to paint the nail, not the skin. f*ck.

Look, all innovators
have their work criticized at first.

Appreciation will come. I'll give you time.

I already have time-
Time and a sh*t pedicure.

No, stop. You gonna mess it up.

- Stop!
- I'm bigger than you, bitch.

I hate tickling. No, no.

- [ Laughing ]
- Uncle. Uncle. I can't breathe.

Sorry, P.

We been through this.

I know.

- I'm not-
- I know.

Maybe we could...

cuddle for a minute?

Yeah.

Go back.

You can still go back.

[ Breathing Raggedly ]

[ Woman On PA ] Dr. Cole, please call
Psychiatric Evaluations.

Dr. Cole, please call-

That looks like fun.

[ Clears Throat ]
So how long you been in treatment?

Listen, I've gotta sit here
for the next two hours...

and I don't really feel like talking
to some old bald lady.

So can we just, like, pretend I'm not here?

I was gonna tell you a joke.

I'm good, thanks.

[Beeps]

Yo, nurse.

Do you have an iPhone charger?

No, sorry.

Oh, my God. This is bullshit.

- What's your joke?
- Too late.

Whatever. I'm sure it's stupid.

So...

the doctor says to the patient...

“I got bad news and some more bad news.

The bad news is you got cancer.”

“And the more bad news?”

“You also got Alzheimer's disease.”

So the patient thinks for a minute
and then she says...

“Well, at least I don't have cancer.”

- I don't get it.
- I'm not gonna 'splain it to you.

Figure it out.

I'm gonna grab a soda
from the vending machine.

- Would you like anything?
- I'd love a Pepsi.

Don't tell anyone.

Who's that? ls it your daughter?

She's a correctional officer.

- Prison guard?
- Exactly.

Wait. So you're not a-

Are you?

For serious?

I thought those were just, like,
comfy old-lady chemo clothes.

- What'd you do?
- Robbed a bank.

You're lying. No way.

Google me.

All right. Come on. Tell me about it.

You want the first time... or the last?

[ Chuckles ]

The first time was in 1982.

f*ck it.

[ Doorknob Rattling ]

[ Glass Crunches ]

[ Breathing Raggedly ]

[ sniffles ]

[ Muttering ]

Huh? This too much for the Jersey shore?

Not if you're gonna walk the boardwalk,
lookin' to make some extra cash.

Uh, it's Dolce and Gabbana, you nut.

How the heck are you paying
for all this stuff?

I get good deals. I'm a savvy shopper.

And Christopher likes me
to look sophisticated.

He says I'm like Audrey Hepburn.

Besides, this is
our first weekend away together...

- and we're stayin' somewhere fancy.
- Where?

I don't know. He has the whole time planned.

He is gonna take me on a sailboat...

and then we're gonna ride
the Wildwood Ferris Wheel at sunset.

I can't believe
I met a guy like this, Franny.

You should bring him over for dinner.

What, to meet Ma and everybody?
Are you crazy?

I don't want him getting scared off, okay?
He's the one.

You don't know if he's the one
until he's met the family.

- It's like a test.
- He don't need a test, okay?

He's my destiny.

I-I'm tellin' you, it was like the movies-

like- like, you know, in Notting Hill...

where Hugh Grant, uh,
bumps into Julia Roberts...

and he spills his orange juice on her?

That's what happened to us.

We crashed into each other, literally.

[ Scoffs ]
Franny, it was meant to be.

[ sniffles ]

You look cute in that dress.

Like Pretty Woman?

[ Chuckling ]
Yeah, like Pretty Woman.

- Bastards.
- [ Man On PA, Faint ]

They grow as fast as bamboo.

It's an invasion.

You know, I get them too.

Well, most of the time
they're blonde and they are soft.

But every once in a while,
I do get one that is black and spiky.

And if you don't catch it in time...

all of a sudden, it's like two feet long...

and it's growing
right out of the side of your face...

like this giant, pubey lady-beard hair.

- [ Chuckling ] Geez.
- You know, I get one right here.

Larry called him “Spike.”

- How is he?
- Spike?

Well, he's just startin' up,
but I can feel him.

- The husband.
- Oh.

I don't know. We don't talk.

No letters.

I used to get two a week.

In fact, this week, all I got
was a card from my grandmother.

My friends aren't
feeling too prolific these days.

I'm sure he told them what a horrible,
evil cheater I am...

and it's not like
I'm in any position to defend myself.

Nobody has any idea what to say to me.

People are fickle fucks.

You know, the thing is, I don't blame them.

I don't even blame him, ultimately.
I was selfish.

You have to be selfish in here.

That's how you survive.

People's loyalty means nothing.

Because the second
you're not useful to them, you're out.

You think that's why
your girls turned on you?

Is that what you heard?

No.

I've just...

noticed that you've been...
flying solo lately.

My friendship used to come with perks.

Now I'm just an angry, old Russian lady.

Without the free stockings and eyeliner...

I'm not quite the draw I used to be.

And take it from me, Chapman...

husbands are overrated.

They're as useless as children.

Count yourself lucky.

If it was meant to last, it would have.

Here.

For Spike.

[ Man On PA ]
Officer Sanchez to the rec room.

He cried nonstop. By 4:00 a.m., I was ready
to smother him with a Boppy.

I know. That's really dark.

But I'm all alone until the new baby nurse
comes at 7:00, and then she leaves at 3:00.

f*cking Pete.
What if I went off to Alaska?

Just, “Peace out. I'm off to kayak and
pretend I'm f*cking Bear Grylls...

cause we've spawned
the symbolic end of childhood...

and I can't handle it
'cause I'm f*cking Peter Pan...

and my therapist is an idiot,
misogynistic piece of sh*t.”

You should go.

Seriously, just go,
you know, kayak with the lost boys.

I'll keep this little monkey,
breast-feed him, raise him as my own...

along with the baby nurse from 7:00 to 3:00.

She's not hot.

She's got a wonky eye and bad acne scars.
And she's in her 50s.

But she makes these amazing plantains
and sings him Jimmy Cliff songs.

Sold.

You are the only one
who'll still hang out with us.

Everyone swears they'll still come around,
but they don't.

How old is the baby?

- Uh, 10 weeks.
- Congratulations.

Oh, you're such an attractive family.

- Oh.
- Thank you.

Yeah. You know, despite the blond hair,
she still swears he's mine.

- What's his name?
- Hampus.

[ Clears Throat ]
Hampus Renselor.

It's an old family name.

It's beautiful, isn't it? Little Hampy.

- How long have the two of you been married?
- Long time.

Uh, we got married on the Circle Line in
front of the Statue of Liberty.

It was beautiful. Huge wedding.

Did you meet in the city?

- Oh! Yeah, we sure did.
- At a Star Trek convention.

- Oh.
- Yeah, we were both dressed as Klingons.

- [ Larry Chuckles ]
- It's a passion of ours.

I knew right away she was the one.

Well, enjoy.

You're perfect together. It's very clear.

“Hampus.”
It's not half bad, actually.

There might still be time to change
the birth certificate.

Little Hampy.

[ Gloria ]
Uh-uh! Careful with that box.

How many do we have in there?

[ Sighs ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Squeaking ]

Oh.

Mmm.

[ Sighs ]

[ Man ] Please let the record show that
the witness has indicated the defendant.

Proceed, counselor.

Please tell the court how you happen to know
the defendant, Lorna Morello.

[ Christopher ]
We went on one date.

I met her at the post office,
and we had a coffee.

And that was the extent
of your relationship?

I wasn't interested
in pursuing things further.

I told her that. Very clearly.

And did Miss Morello continue to contact you
after this initial date?

Relentlessly-

Phone calls,
Facebook messages, texts, e-mails.

She showed up at my house.

Did you make it clear to her
that these advances were unwanted?

I did.

And then I began receiving threats.

Now, Mr. MacLaren, did you take any action
to prevent these advances?

I changed my phone number,
my e-mail account and I moved twice.

Each time, she found me.

When I started dating my current girlfriend,
Angela...

she showed up in Atlantic City,
where we'd gone for the weekend.

She left notes on my car.
She threw trash on my lawn.

She left voice mails, yelling about how I
wasn't helping enough with the dog.

I don't even have a dog.

And then she threatened
to strangle Angela...

and that's when I got a restraining order.

Did she ever make an attempt on your life?

Yes.

We found a homemade
expl*sive device under Angela's car.

Oh, he's being so dramatic.

They're twisting this whole story.

Oh, sorry.

[ Door Closes ]

[ Christopher]
Hey, Angela.

Angela? Babe?

Look at this. There's glass all over the-

[ Ragged Breathing ]

Hello? ls anyone in here?

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Knocking ]

You were right, Caputo.

About?

I'm tired. I'm getting old.

It's a new phase of life.

Time to pack it in.

I'm glad to hear it.

I'm officially one of the golden girls.

I sit with them at lunch.

They've even asked me
to join their craft circle.

What are you doing in my office?

You told me to find a hobby...

and that's exactly what we need...

especially the old ladies.

The rest of the women here have work.

There's no programs for those
who've been put out to pasture.

What do you suggest?

Aquarobics?

I hear gardening is very therapeutic.

- It is.
- It lowers stress...

helps with depression.

There's something about
actually putting your fingers in the dirt...

nurturing something to life.

I've read it can be very healing.

People who do three hours
of gardening a week actually live longer.

It's a fact.

That old shed we use on grounds crew-

it used to be a greenhouse, no?

- Mm-hmm.
- Wouldn't be so hard to clean it out...

bring it to life.

Let the old codgers tinker around.

There's even a place to put your little
plants besides your office window.

From the look of them...

they're not getting the sun they need.

What do you get out of it?

I get to boss people around again...

even if it is a bunch of fossils.

Fig would never go for a new program.

[ Whispering ]
It wouldn't cost much.

[ Woman On PA ] Justine Phillips,
report to the warden's office.

Bring me a budget-

seed, soil, everything spelled out on paper.

I'll see what I can do.

- I'm so sorry.
- For what?

I-I just- I fell asleep.
I don't know what time it is.

No worries.
We just finished. You're right on time.

[ Miss Rosa Groans ]

- You okay, Morello?
- Oh, yeah, yeah. I'm fine. Fine.

How did it go, Rosa?

Maybe you should just drive.

[ Miss Rosa Groans ]

[ Engine Starts ]

[ Miss Rosa Coughs ]

I always thought it was one pooter hole...

and a couple of different holes off of it...

like a cave system or somethin'.

See, sometimes my pee comes out
like a sprinkler.

Like, it's not a steady stream.

It's more like- like a mini showerhead.

You listening to this?

It's the talk of the town-
the wonders of the female anatomy.

You know, someone needs
to get these women a medical book.

This is ridiculous.

Do you know?

I mean...

generally.

Remember when that was you, Chapman?

A lost little kumquat
looking for a place to sit.

What's she in for?

Some kind of political protest.

You know, the two of you
might have a lot to talk about.

I doubt that.

These bogus bohemian babies have no idea
what a nonviolent direct action is.

- Dirty fake hippies.
- Wow.

Someone's got some issues.

Brook!

Right here.

Please don't do that. She's a gabber.

- Shall we adjourn?
- I think that's wise.

Oh, my God. I am so relieved.

I thought you were mad at me.
You're totally not mad at me, right?

No, of course I'm not mad at you.

Oh, thank God.

Everyone in here
is in such a bad mood all the time.

I mean, like, I always thought...

women's prison would be more about
community and girl power and stuff.

Some of these women just seem crazy.

It can be a lot worse than that, Brook.

It can be
seriously dangerous in here.

Don't kid yourself.

What do you mean?

You're a pretty girl
and you're gonna be a target.

- I know that I was.
- You mean like... r*pe?

Oh, r*pe, as*ault, battery.

You need to find yourself a prison wife-

somebody really tough...

somebody nobody's gonna f*ck with.

Did you do that?

All I'm saying is that one night
with the right protector...

can keep you safe
for the rest of your sentence.

You mean you?

No. See, I'm not tough.

What you need is somebody
who inspires real fear.

You know, somebody who's kind of mannish...

and kind Of... bulky...

but tender at heart.

And there's not a lot of good ones.

Most of them are taken.

[ Clears Throat ]
Hey, you two.

What are we talking about here?

Well, you know...

I am feeling so single today.

What's going on?

Nothing. Big Boo, this is Brook.

And, Brook, this is Big Boo.

Uh, is this some kind of game?

I don't get it.

What is going on?

Could you suck any more at this?

I suck at this?
I mean, look at your ridiculous timing.

Clearly, this is not working,
so can I just have my blanket back?

- No. You didn't deliver.
- Deliver what? Me?

- I did my part.
- [ Scoffs ]

Were you trying to pimp me out?

She took my blanket.
It belonged to my roommate.

It meant a lot to me. Plus, it is
very f*cking cold in the dormitories.

You tried to sell me for a blanket?

Well, when you put it that way-

You are sick.

You know that?

You are seriously f*cked up.

You know, she's right, Chapman.

[ Laughing ]
You're a horrible person.

- [ Man On PA, Indistinct]
- [ Breathing Raggedly ]

[ Sighs ]

Hey, hey.

What's the matter?

[ Sighs ]

Wanna talk about it?

[ Brook Moaning ]

Oh, my God!

Oh, wow.

You know, I've only ever done this
with one other girl before.

I think it was at Bonnaroo, and I made out
with the chick who painted my breasts.

[ Exhales ] We were both wearing
these, like, big headdresses...

and, like, the String Cheese Incident
was playing...

- and we got up on stage and we
just started dancing. - Uh-huh.

And, you know, when I think back on it...

I think I probably ended up
getting heatstroke...

'cause the tent was like a thousand degrees.

Oh!

[ Moans ]

That feels good.
[Laughs]

Do you ever feel like you're in your body...

but you can really feel,
like, the space around you?

Like, the air just suddenly
becomes, like, really heavy...

and you can feel,
like, the atmosphere and the molecules-

- [ Panting ]
- just hanging around your head?

And then you feel this tingling-

There we go.

f*ckin' String Cheese.

[ Man On PA, Indistinct ]

Where's your little cuddle bunny?

What?

I saw what went down in here.

You were all cozied up
with your little girlfriend.

- Man, I ain't gay.
- [ Scoffs ] Looked pretty gay to me.

We're just friends.

Yeah? Just friends?

[ Exhales ]
And you're lonely.

Want to be touched.

Need a hug.

Maybe even more than a hug.

You need all that drama
of someone to call your own.

Let me tell you something.

Gay for the stay is for punk-ass b*tches...

who aren't strong enough
to be true to themself.

I told you. I ain't like that.

I know that.

[ Chuckles ] And I also know
that when you get outta here...

you don't want people on the block talking
about how you went that way.

That's why I'm telling you...

do not let her drag you into that sh*t.

She is not your real friend.

She is only your friend in here.

She doesn't know you like I do.

- I can't really tell if he's breathing on here.
- [ Man On TV, Faint ]

Does he look dead to you?

Yes.
[Laughs]

No. No, he's asleep.

He is blissfully asleep.

He is so cute, right?

When he's sleeping, he's perfect.

I loved playing house with you today.

I don't know if I'm ever gonna have that.

Yeah, you will.

Shut the f*ck up.

[ Sighs ]
I don't want to go home.

Good. I don't want you to.

You're saving my life and my sanity.

Plus, you change diapers...

and I can pay you
with leftover Jamaican food.

Honestly, Larry...

I really wouldn't have made it
through this week without you.

Thank you.

- [ Women Laughing ]
- Now don't be so juvenile, ladies.

Listen up and learn, okay?

Now, this is your vag*na.

This is your labia minora.

This- [ Clears Throat ]
This is your clitoris.

And this is your urethra.

This is where you pee from.

Aha!

Now, ladies,
I want each and every one of you...

to go back to your bunks tonight...

and get to know your own cha-chas, okay?

- No f*cking way. I got a mons pubis.
- Yes, you do.

And you also have a labia majora
and a clitoral hood.

Now, for those of you who are having trouble
finding your clitoris...

or your partner is having trouble
finding your clitoris...

you might have to pull back
the clitoral hood to expose it.

Little-known fact.

The day I use this ticket...

is the day New York has beaten me.

You know, I just thought of something.

You're kind of a mess.

[ Woman Chuckles ]
Thank you.

[ Man ]
No, I mean, anybody would tell you that.

Since when do they get all the best seats?

The reign of whitey is over.

I've never seen this movie before...

but this is some serious
capitalist propaganda.

I mean, why is that success?

Are we supposed to want to work in a corner
office and make buttloads of money?

[ Scoffs ]
It's a total corporate agenda.

[ Continues, Indistinct]

[ Mouthing Words ]

[ Sniffs ]
Hmm?

Oh, my- You know-

[ Muttering ]

Yo, the Spanish b*tches
are sittin' on too many freakin' pillows...

making it hard to see and sh*t.

Cállate, choncha.

- What'd you call me?
- [ Vee ] sh*t.

- In my day, the black women would have-
- Yeah, yeah.

We know. Y'all ran this place.

[ Woman ]
Shh.

sh*t. I missed, like, half the movie.

Where-Where my seat at?

Sorry.

You ain't save me a seat?

You always save me a seat.

You know how people are.

What?

Maybe you should get here on time.

[ Sobs ]

Are you okay?

[ Voice Breaking ]
I'm fine.

I'm just- I'm missing
my fiancé Christopher, is all.

Oh, honey.

Deep breaths.

Time is all relative.

You'll be together before you know it.

And married. We'll be married?

Of course you will.

I've decided not to wear a veil.

It's too traditional.

I want him to see my face.

Why hide it?

It's gorgeous.

[ Exhales ]

♪♪ [ Pop Ballad Intro ]

[ Man ] ♪ It seems like perfect love's
so hard to find ♪

♪ I'd almost given up ♪

♪ You must have read my mind ♪

[ Woman ]
♪ And all these dreams I saved ♪

♪ For a rainy day ♪

♪ They're finally coming true ♪

[ Together ]
♪ I'll share them all with you ♪

♪ 'Cause now we hold the future ♪

♪ In our hands ♪

♪ Oh, almost paradise ♪

♪ We're knocking on heaven's door ♪

♪ Almost paradise ♪

♪ How could we ask for more? ♪

♪ I swear that I can see forever ♪

♪ In your eyes ♪

♪ Paradise ♪♪