02x05 - Low Self Esteem City

[bunniefuu]

He had no idea
how to take care of himself.

He used to condition, then shampoo.

He didn't even know
how to change a diaper.

- How could I leave my baby with that?
- Maybe nobody taught him.

And maybe he's a dumb-ass.

But still, I feel really bad
for missing her first birthday.

It's a big one, you know.

- Hurry up!
- Can I rinse off?

They used to hold an empty one for Red.

- Ow! That hurts.
- Move it! Do it in the f*cking sink!

Gracias.

What the-

Aw, man.

Ew.

All right, everybody out now. Let's go.

Is that- Is that caca?

All right, listen up. We've got plumbing
issues in Spanish Harlem.

sh*t's flooded, and we gotta get to work.

- So?
- So they wanna cut.

Aw, man, no, f*ck that.

You want breakfast? That's how it is.

- The f*ck?
- Excuse me.

But my girls are not inclined to offer
special privileges. Not in our bathroom.

Your girls?

When did that happen?

Ladies, get on line.

Yeah. You violating
an unspoken social contract, bitch.

What the f*ck you call me?

Cut it out! Get over here!

- What is going on?
- She f*cking punched me.

I didn't punch-
I pushed her like this.

Oh!

Oh, my God!

You see that?

- Dramatic. Oh, come on, sister.
- Don't “sister” me.

I'm writing you a sh*t.

- What?
- Officer-

- This ain't even their bathroom.
- What, you want a sh*t too?

Don't ever call a black guard “sister.”
Don't do that.

Go.

The following inmates have passes.

Goldman, Guiterra-

Get out.

Ripped By mstoll

Dios mío.

Mira.

Sorry. You can't buy beer
with food stamps.

Just take it.

Excuse me?

It's a $100 EBT card.

Just give me $50.
Everybody knows you do this sh*t.

Forget it.

Yeah.

Take a hike.

We don't do that sh*t here.

You got the wrong store.

Fifty.

Minus the cost of the beer.

Ha!

All of the girls must want to have sex.

Yes, Chang. We know.
It's not a r*pe contest.

- What contest?
- We're having a bang-off.

All the girls
must be here on camp.

Really? You mean we can't pull
from the local bars?

Yeah. How about, uh,
all girls must be human?

Or would that be a problem for you, Boo?

That happened one time.

We were drunk.

- So, do they have to come for it to count?
- Excellent question.

“Have to”?
Son, with me, they always come.

Oh. Only once? That's so sad.

Hey, Chang, do we get extra points for
multiples? I'm the queen of excess.

No double points.
But different girls with different points.

- What is that?
- Score sheet.

Trim, six.

Chapman, three.

I don't wanna play the game.
Don't put me in that.

- Three out of what?
- Ten.

Ten's like a guard, right?

And one's like a- That girl.

I am so more than a three. I am not easy.

You're slutty, not easy.
There's a difference semantically.

Yeah, you're not easy.
You only f*cked your worst enemy.

Alex was not my enemy
at the time... that I knew.

It was complicated.

She has that effect on me.

Me too. Love to get my d*ck in her mouth.

Maybe she'll come back
in time for the game.

Don't count on it.

Hey.

- What are y'all playing?
- Nothin'.

A game as old as time.

Oh, yeah? What's it called?

Exclusion.

Cool. How do you play it?

Man, it's bullshit, man.

I already got two sh*ts
for being late to the warehouse.

Now I got another
for trying to keep from being late?

- This is our bathroom.
- Mm-hmm.

- When I was here last time-
- Oh, God.

We've heard.

That was back in the good ol' days...

when you could s*ab a bitch in her sleep
and nobody said nothin'.

Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you like being every woman's doormat?

Oh.

Who said anything
about being a doormat, man?

sh*t, I'm my own doormat.

Uh, yes, but a doormat to where?

I am telling you,
unless we do something now...

this is gonna become the way it is-

Spanish running things.

And we can't look to the screws for help.

“Screws”? Man, you are old.

Mm-hmm. I'm just saying those girls
need to learn some manners.

- Mmm.
- I know what you saying.

- Do you, baby?
- Mm-hmm.

Fork on the left, Kn*fe on the right.

Little fork on the outer left.

- It's cold out here.
- You'll warm up once we get working.

Irma, you and Frieda
start pulling weeds out of the floor.

Taslitz and Jimmy and I
will start clearing out this junk.

Oh, I can't stay long.

Jack is taking me to the movies tonight.

- Okay.
- We need to get there early.

There'll be a huge line for Easter Parade.

Jimmy, maybe you'll help pull weeds, huh?

All right, but I have to go soon.

Girls, give me a hand with this, huh?

- What? - You said this greenhouse
club would be relaxing...

give us time away from the noise.

You didn't say nothin' about hauling wood.

You want to get warm or not?

- Good morning, ladies.
- Good morning, Mr. Healy.

Is that Jack?

Oh.

Quite a little challenge
you've set for yourself, Red.

Yes, I'm getting that feeling.

Ladies, would you mind
if I spoke to Red for a minute?

Uh, not at all.

Uh, we'll go help pulling weeds.

So, they're putting up a production of Our
Town at Litchfield High tonight.

You think maybe that'd be a good thing
to take Katya to see?

I don't know. I'm not familiar with the
actors at that particular high school.

I thought maybe
a little culture would be nice.

Mostly, I just wanna
get away from her mother for the evening.

Or we could just go to dinner.
They just opened an Italian place.

- What do you think?
- Healy.

We had an agreement
back when I ran the kitchen.

You scratched my back, and I told you when
it was time to trim your ear hairs.

But I don't need
my back scratched anymore.

And I'd rather be left alone.

I'm just asking your opinion.

Skip the play. Take her to dinner.

Italian?

What, romantic Indian? Come on.

All right. Thank you.

Hey, Healy,
can we get a space heater in here?

I'll look into it. Probably not.

sh*t licker.

Can we grow pot?

I heard from my cousin...

that the whole front of the building
on the corner fell off...

and crashed onto the sidewalk.

Yeah. Boom.

Hey.

- Check out the antisuicide poster.
- Oh.

You think someone tried to do it in- like,
right in here?

Maybe right where you're sitting?

- Oh, Cal.
- What? It's just a question.

Piper. Oh, what a relief.

- Oh!
- What?

Oh, she was worried
that you wouldn't be pretty anymore.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Ah. I told you, she won the fight.

That's right. I kicked ass.

I spent three weeks in solitary
confinement just thinking “winner.”

- Yeah.
- Oh, Piper.

Did Larry come to visit you?

No. And he won't be coming to visit me.

I told you. We broke up.

Well, his earning potential
was questionable.

I was hoping that you would have, like,
a gnarly scar.

- Add character... and mystery.
- There's still time.

You'll find another man.
I can help you.

- There's no need for that.
- No, I want to.

- Wasn't Neri supposed to come?
- Yes. They wouldn't let her in.

There was some issue with her background
check. She's in the lobby.

I tell you what I find most disturbing...

is that it looks almost exactly like
my old high school in here.

Same cinder block construction,
low ceilings...

oppressive fluorescent lighting.

I wonder if that's intentional,
like part of the punishment.

If so, kudos to the government...

because it's genius.

And where's Daddy?

- He didn't wanna see me?
- Of course he did, darling.

Something came up.

Nothing came up.
You don't have to lie to me.

- He doesn't want to see me in here.
- That's right.

No, Cal.

That is not right.
You can't let her think that.

- Well, it's better than the other thing.
- No.

- What other thing?
- It's nothing.

Well, then, if it's nothing,
can you at least tell me what it is? Cal?

We agreed that we shouldn't tell you.
But you can guess.

Oh, no. ls it bad?

- Mmm.
- Oh, stop it, Cal.

- This is not appropriate.
- What is not appropriate?

I am an adult who is in prison.
I can handle things.

You have to tell me
what it is, g*dd*mn it.

Did Daddy lose his job?

- Did your house burn down?
- No.

Did my house burn down?

- No, darling, it isn't property.
- No hints, please.

- So it's a person.
- Ah.

Is Daddy sick? Dead? Is Daddy dead?

Darling, Daddy is fine.

Aside from his cholesterol,
but he's taking fish oil for that.

Keep going.
You're getting warmer. Daddy's fine, but-

Danny. Polly. Larry. Grandmother.

Grandmother's dead.
Gran- Dying. Grandmother's dying!

Yes! Grandmother's dying.

Grandmother's dying!

Oh, no.

Oh, my God.

Mendoza. Your people are not authorized to
use the “B” dorm bathroom.

You have your own bathroom.

Is that what you call that place
with the fountains of caca?

I'm getting a plumber.

- When?
- When I get authorization from Fig...

when she gets back from Albany.

Well, in the meantime,
don't you think your kitchen workers...

should have a sanitary place to go...

especially since they're the ones taking
the crust off your sandwiches?

You didn't even ask. You just stormed in.

Mr. Caputo, can my people
use the “B” dorm bathroom, please?

Fine.
You can share it. For now.

Thank you.

By the way,
can I have a candle for my office?

You wanna light a candle?
Go to church on Sunday.

Use one of the electric ones.

Don't get cocky with me, Mendoza.

You're important,
but you're replaceable. Don't forget that.

Cecily Phillips,
report to the warden's office.

Gloria.

- Arturo!
- Hey!

Benito! Julio!

Florecita!

Who are you praying for, Tía?

Tu mamá.

You're gonna cook this
very slow for a couple of hours.

Make sure the meat is very tender, so-

Gruber's out of play.

Who's Gruber?

Oh. What, the freckly girl
with the giant forehead?

In the woodshed, behind the band saw.

Everybody else was making a shelf...

and we were making L-O-V-E.

Oh, yeah? Well, I'm not sure that's how you
spell “gross,” but congratulations, Boo.

You got yourself a one-pointer.

Boob in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Oh, yeah? Well, it's only
the bush that counts.

But, hey, keep it up.

There's plenty other nickel slots
in low self-esteem city.

You want me, I'll be playing for
big money at a private table.

Well, by that,
you must mean playing with yourself...

'cause I don't see you
playing with anybody else.

Oh, no?

Hey, Officer Fischer.

Hey, um, would you mind turning the volume
up for me on the television?

It's just- It's kind of low.

Oh, sure, Nichols.

Hey, thanks. Hey.

Uh, you look lovely today, by the way.

- Oh. Well, thank you.
- Sure.

See? I'm not interested in running some
sweaty, fallopian relay race.

I look at this like an art form.

You're out of your depth.

My depth has no depth.

I'm a sexual Steve Jobs...

and that bitch is worth 10 points.

And I made reservations
at the Spaghetti Factory.

You should have asked me.

I made plans with Ulya.

Well, I'd really appreciate it
if you could reschedule.

What?

Can you please speak English?

Why we speak English?
Why not you speak Russian?

Why? Because you live in America now!

And I don't think it's so horrible for me
to wanna do something nice together!

You can see Ulya any day of the week!

It's not like you have
to go to a job or anything!

I'm sorry.

I- I didn't mean to lose my temper.

Maybe we could all
go out someplace together.

Or if you don't feel like eating,
we can go see a play.

I want to spend time with my friend.

Right, which is why I said
Ulya's welcome to come.

You don't have any friends, Sam.

Yo. The water pressure's
so much better in the ghetto.

- I know, right?
- It's f*cked up.

It's like they're getting special
privileges and we the black people.

Hey, wait. Where the f*ck are my shoes?

Where are my f*cking shoes?

This was in my bed.

Hey, ladies.

You better get to moving.

If you don't hurry,
you gonna be late for work.

Dig!

Oh, f*ck. It's on.

Somebody start untangling this sh*t.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

My grandmother is sick.

Oh.

I thought maybe
I caught you with the p*rn.

A sick babushka's nothing
to be ashamed of.

I don't wanna bore anyone
with my problems.

All problems are boring
until they're your own.

- Count time!
- You must stand at count.

You must stand at count under Code 320.

What happened?

She scraped her foot
turning laps in the pool.

When it wasn't healing,
she went in to see the doctor...

and it turns out her kidney levels
were off the chart.

So they put her on dialysis,
and then she got an infection.

That's how it happens.

It all goes at once,
like internal organ dominoes.

I'm sorry. That's probably not
what you want to hear, hmm?

No, it's all right.
I'm not looking for sympathy.

I'm trying to follow your lead actually.

Be strong. Suffer in silence.

I like the silent part.

She might pull through.

Anyhow, what is it that they say?

- “Hang on tightly, let go lightly”?
- What?

It's something that Clive Owen says
in the movie Group/er.

This is supposed to be comforting?

It probably would be comforting if Clive
Owen were here to say it.

f*ck Clive Owen. Don't ever let go.

Not until they make you.

All the water from this bathroom goes out
this pipe under the floor here.

Until it's cleared, you're gonna have
all the water and effluvia.

It's gonna be coming out of the pipe every
time you have the showers going.

Well, why? What's the actual problem?

It depends. The snake's not long enough to
reach it, so it's probably roots.

Mr. Caputo, may I speak
to you for a moment?

What the hell do you think you're doing?

I didn't sign off
on an outside contractor.

I made an executive decision...

when you decided not to come to
work yesterday or this morning.

I had a press conference.

My husband is running for state senate.

Well, this is Jeremy. He's running for
plumber of the prison, where we work.

There's a CO trained in plumbing.

- His name is Kanarick. He's
been here already. - And?

This isn't gonna get unclogged. You're
gonna have to remove the whole exit pipe.

How much is that gonna cost?

Oh, it's embedded in the concrete.

So I gotta get a jackhammer. I gotta get
my, uh, pipe fitting crews in here.

- How much?
- Eighty grand, minimum.

Jesus Christ on a crutch.
And there's no other alternative?

You can always have the girls
take shorter showers.

Well, that seems like
a reasonable solution.

Solution? That's not a solution.
It's a bullshit stopgap.

- This needs to be addressed.
- And it will be.

But we are dealing with a very serious
deficit at the moment, as you know.

Besides, there is an approved list of
vendors that we work with.

It's a security issue. You understand.

sh*t. Why fix the plumbing at all?

Let's just cut their food rations
so they don't sh*t as much.

I will crunch the numbers
and get back to you on that.

Hey, who's gonna pay me
for coming out here?

Chapman.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure.

Close the door.

- Glad to see you're looking well.
- Are you?

- Excuse me?
- Nothing.

Thank you.

What can I do for you?

My grandmother is very ill.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I know that you probably
don't grant furlough for things like this.

And even if you did, I don't expect you
would ever give it to me.

But I could not live with myself
if I did not at least ask.

Could you please give me furlough
to see my grandmother?

Furlough.

Furlough is like the Loch Ness monster-

much discussed and rarely seen.

Don't you have the power
to at least apply?

I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do to help you.

Is there something else?

No. Nope. That's it.

You just stood there.

- What?
- You stood there...

while she att*cked me.

And then you gave her new teeth.

I was nowhere near the incident.

Ms. Doggett will corroborate,
I assure you.

I know that I overstepped my bounds...

but I-I- I could have been k*lled.

Were I there to intervene,
I most certainly would have.

I'm sorry about your grandmother.
Thanks for stopping by.

What do you mean? He's quitting?

Because of the Black Scarecrow?

The Black Scarecrow isn't even
in his weight class.

And even if he was, he has a weakness.

He has a weakness.

What is it this time, you think?

I don't know. I try not to listen.

Ah, come on.
There's no shame in being curious.

I wouldn't want people thinking I'm
sticking my nose where it doesn't belong.

Yeah, but she could be in trouble.

The Black Scarecrow could be trying to
extort her for money or something.

Oh, no.
The Black Scarecrow is a wrestler.

He was supposed to wrestle her son,
but he's chickening out.

- I thought you didn't listen.
- I couldn't help it.

She was talking
about wrestling while crying.

- Is he there?
- It doesn't take much.

I once saw her crying
reading a Garfield comic.

I wish I could give her her privacy,
but it's my job to stand here.

That's fine.
I mean, not everybody wants their privacy.

I know I don't.

Yeah?

Yeah. Well, I like privacy
but not... alone privacy.

I'm not sure what that means.

It means I work in electrical...

so I know all the spots
where the cameras don't work.

If you're ever feeling curious
about other things.

Do you have a phone call to make?

Because if not, I suggest you move on.

- Hey now, Fischer-
- Now, inmate!

Huh? All right. Geez.

But if he brings his own chair,
he could really hurt him.

He could win...

and return glory to our family.

Ugh! Oh, man.

- What is it?
- Ugh!

Salt. They gave us special trays.

Them chili-shittin' b*tches.

They f*ckin' with us this way 'cause they know
our people's predisposition for hypertension.

- Man, they tryin' to k*ll us.
- Ugh!

Well, what do y'all expect?
Don't f*ck with the cooks.

What?

Hey, why I got it like that?
I didn't even do nothin'.

They're grouping us all together.

It's called racism, slow bird.
Was you just born or something?

Man, shut up.

The secret is pretend the salt is sugar.

Bennett, I got a question.

Would you rather live in a house
with a cracked foundation...

or one across from a parking lot
where the lights never go off?

Neither.

But what if nothing else
is in your price range?

Hey, I want a new tray.

- Sorry. You get what you get.
- That's bullshit!

- Hey!
- You can't mess with my food.

Janae, calm down.

- You cannot do that!
- f*ck.

- Get off of me!
- Shut up!

- Are you all right?
- Yeah.

Get off me!

- You wanna go down the hill?
- No.

Then you cut that sh*t out.

You just lost commissary
for a month, inmate.

You got a plan,
or are you only trying to start sh*t?

I'm handling it.

You better.
That's my granddaughter in there.

- No.
- No? Florecita.

- Gloria Mendoza.
- Yeah.

- This is your business?
- Yeah.

Miss Mendoza, I have
a warrant for your arrest.

You're under arrest for fraud.

- What?
- Put your hands behind your back.

Get her out of here.

All right. Thank you. Thank you.

We've got Gabe Ronley on drums.

We've got Joe Caputo on bass.

John Glickman on guitar.

- I'm Albert Roth, and we are Sideboob.
- Yahoo!

This next song is called “The Sorcerers.”

Otherwise known as
“John Glickman is a Pedophile.”

Oh!

We go to prison 20% longer
for the same crimes as white people.

They can stop and frisk us
whenever they want.

And now when some bitch
fucks with our food...

I'm the one who gets thrown on the ground?

- This sh*t ain't right.
- And don't forget they took your commissary.

Be angry. Y'all need to be angry.

Man, I would say we go on hunger strike...

but that sh*t's already happening.

Oh. Look like somebody
took a wrong turn...

on the way to the barrio.

You and me in the bathroom now.

- I'll come with you.
- I got this.

Oh, sh- She shouldn't go alone.

She'll be fine. Heel.

Yeah. I put money on our girl
over that beanbag bitch any day.

I don't know, man.
Mendoza be on that coconut magic.

She's like a bruja and sh*t.

I'll show her come coconut magic.

Put a coconut in my sock. Wham!

Sock-a-nut, bitch.

I'm just playin'.

You must got some real big feet.

The f*ckin' best song
in this f*cking band.

You wanna know what it is?

It's the one with the guys
working in the f*cking mine.

That f*ckin' song is
like a classic f*ckin' song.

That f*ckin' song is a song
you hear on the f*ckin' radio.

Actually, that song is not
about workers in the mine.

- What do you mean?
- It's a metaphor.

Al wrote it about his vasectomy reversal.

- No sh*t.
- Serious.

Hey, you guys got a CD?

Please tell me you got a f*cking CD.

Look at this.

What do you look for in a state senator?

- Mr. Fig.
- Mr. Fig.

“Look, the reason
I'm the only one with a helmet...

is because I'm richer than you.”

- -...who will fight for all New Yorkers.

“Oh, hammering that nail
was hard. I'm pooped.”

“Whee!”

- I'm Jason Figueroa.
- There she is.

Behind every strong man
is a strong c**t-faced witch monster.

Let's get to work.

“Let's get to work.”

Let me ask you something.

When you first started,
Fig wasn't there, right?

You talked directly to the warden?

Yeah. It was great.

Actually, he was f*cking terrifying.

But at least when you talked to him,
you were talking to a guy.

I hate talking about
women's issues to women. It's... creepy.

When you talked to him,
did he give a sh*t?

'Cause I would really like
to report to someone...

who I felt gave a sh*t about these women
we're meant to be taking care of.

You want a tissue?

No, I don't want a f*ckin' tissue.
I'm serious.

All right.

I mean, think about
the f*cked-up year we're having.

We are failing here.

I can't even get approval
to fix the f*cking toilets.

I'm sorry, man.

That's all right.

The least we should do...

is keep these women safe
and-and-and clean.

You know, you're right. You're right.

- At least clean.
- At least clean.

At least the women in the kitchen.

At least those women in the kitchen.

Keep 'em f*cking clean.

f*ckin'-A.

Keep them f*cking clean.

Gloria, I was hoping
that we could be friends.

You wanna f*ck with me?
You don't wanna f*ck with me.

- I gave you cigarettes.
- And I gave you cake.

But that don't mean that we're friends.

And those cigarettes,
they were f*cking stale.

Can we just talk about this
like responsible-

No, I'm not talking to you.
I'm telling you.

If any of your girls
touches any of mine...

there's gonna be more than salt
in your food next time.

- Gloria-
- You understand... me?

Gloria, I don't want any trouble with you.

I've been telling them,
“Let's go use the Spanish bathroom.

Suzanne can clean it.” She'll like that.

And then you and your girls
can just take the ghetto bathroom.

I'm on your side.

Oh, you were gonna give us the bathroom?

Bullshit, mama!

Because you-
you don't got no bathroom to give.

Oh, no, man.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?

I'm too old for this sh*t. I'm just too old
for this sh*t. That's what's wrong with me.

Listen. I don't even know
these girls, okay?

And they want me to be
some kind of den mother.

I'm trying to work with you, and all
you're trying to do is run over me.

I'm trying to give you the bathroom, okay?

I'm a good talker, but...

I can't sell this sh*t
unless you give me something.

- You gotta give me something. And then-
- Like what?

Taystee and Watson have been talking...

about wanting to get
transferred to custodial.

- Custodial?
- Yeah. They wanna be with their girl-

their girl Cindy.

There are a couple
of Spanish girls in custodial.

Maybe you could talk to Caputo...

and, you know, have them transferred
to the- to the kitchen.

Maybe I could work with that.

Huh? Oh, f*ck. Come on, man.

Fine.

Show me you can clear the bathroom...

and then I'll talk to Caputo.

And get yourself together...

'cause, Jesus, I didn't
even f*cking hit you.

Your attention, please.
Sign-ups are available-

Mr. Healy, you wanted to see me?

Door.

I'm submitting you
for a three-day furlough.

There are no guarantees...

but I'm gonna do my best
to try to push it forward.

Now, I'm assuming that
you're gonna be staying with your fiancé.

I need to write down an address.

Yes. Of course.

- Would you like to call him to make sure?
- I'll call right away.

Thank you, Mr. Healy.

I think it's only fair we give it a sh*t.

It's the least we can do.

And, Chapman...

I'm responsible for you.

- Hey, Joe!
- What's up, Healy?

I had a lot of fun last night.
You guys were amazing.

Right. Thanks for coming out.

I need you to sign this work transfer.

I'm moving a couple of girls
from custodial.

Uh, Flores and, um, Sanchez.

Okay. But won't that leave
custodial shorthanded?

Yeah. We'll figure that out.

Mendoza needs help in the kitchen.

Okay.

I'm already looking forward
to next Tuesday.

- Right.
- Sideboob Tuesdays!

- Thanks, Healy.
- Good seeing you, Ca-poo-dawg!

Chang, are you confirming these bangs...

or you're just taking her word for it?

I don't smell fingers.
I just write numbers.

She got five points. You- zilch-oh.

It's been three days. Unless she's cloning
herself, that seems highly unlikely.

- It's just a game, Nichols. - Yeah, well, it's
not a game unless it's being played fairly.

What's that smell?

Nichols, you got a new fragrance?

Oh, yeah. That's desperation.

Honey, you might wanna wash, because girls
turn right off when they smell that.

My finger smells like an old tennis ball.

God, I screwed myself.

Two days I wasted on Officer Twat Tease.

- You were too ambitious.
- I was arrogant.

It's a classic story of hubris.

I'm like Icarus, whose wings melted before
he could f*ck the sun.

You could always tell people
she got herpes.

That's good, isn't it? Yeah?

People always forget
to remember I'm tricksy. Huh?

- It ain't over yet.
- Ah, it's not over till it's over.

- Oh, I love that song.
- Ah, but herpes is way too pedestrian.

- Maybe I'll say it's that new super
gonorrhea. - Oh, yeah. I read about that.

- Excuse me, sir.
- Oh, Fischer. Good morning.

Good morning, sir.
Do you mind if I ask you a question?

- Of course.
- It's about our surveillance.

If it's about our video cameras,
they all work.

That's what you should tell the inmates.

Oh. No. It's about our phones.

Do we have anyone
who monitors inmate calls?

Well, it's all recorded in a computer.

We only review it when there's a reason.

Don't you think we should do
random check-ins?

Yes. And we do.

Again, they should think we do.

But it's not exactly a priority...

and half those conversations
are in Spanish.

Yo hablo espanõl muy bueno, sir.

Hello.

An inmate from Litchfield Federal Prison
is attempting to contact you.

To accept this call, please press 1.

- Larry?
- Yes. Is everything all right?

Yeah. Yeah, everything's fine.

Is this a good time?

Of course.

My dad, uh, he told me
about Chicago and the SHU.

God, Piper, I'm- I'm so sorry.

It's not your fault.

Are you sure that this is a good time?

It sounds like you're going somewhere.

No, no. I'm, uh- I'm heading home.

I was with-
I was with Polly. We finally had a bagnut.

What's a bagnut?

It's like a bagel crossed with a doughnut.

It's this... big craze right now.

So we had to wait in line
for, like, two hours for it.

Turns out it's a bagel
with frosting on it.

I forgot what it's like
to have all that freedom to waste.

Yep. I waste my freedom,
but I bring my own cup to Stumptown.

Piper, why-why didn't you call sooner?

We broke up.

And I guess I've been imagining
I can be this person...

who doesn't depend on anybody...

or lets anybody depend on me.

It's nice to hear your voice.

Yeah, it's nice to hear your voice.

I've missed you.

I've missed you too, Larry.

It's not that bad.

Man!

Now we don't have to share with anyone.

Segregation. Awesome.

Separate but way shittier.

Well, this is better in the long run-

our own bathroom that we control.

“Showers will be limited to 30 seconds”?

Man, I can't even wash my twat
in that amount of time.

- What? Vee!
- Trust me, baby girl.

Man, I don't care. As long as I don't have
to wait in line anymore.

I get one more sh*t for being late,
I'm back in SHU.

- I can't f*cking handle that.
- You late. I'm late.

Maybe black folks do got a problem
with being punctual.

Taystee, Watson,
about your work assignments-

gonna be a little change.

- So, she's one today?
- Yeah.

Why don't nobody bring her to visit?

What, from Massachusetts? Forget it.

You see? I told you you're lucky
your boyfriend's so close.

Her kids are in Massachusetts, and Gloria's
kids is all the way in f*ckin' Florida.

- Really?
- Yeah. The two boys are with their tía.

The two older girls are still in New York,
but they never visit.

You guys wanna see this?

- Yeah.
- All right.

I got the wax from melting crayons...

and Dayanara drew the picture
of St. Anthony.

You pray to him for protection and
strength and justice for us and for baby-

Juliana-Fernanda.

- What's the orisha name for St. Anthony?
- Orisha?

All the saints had, like, stage names
for the booga booga gods...

'cause the plantation owners, they don't
want the slaves worshipping no more.

The orisha is named Elegua.

- Yo, how'd you make the wick?
- I'll give you one guess.

Do you really, like,
believe in this, like, for real?

- You Catholic?
- Yeah.

Well, this is Catholic plus.

Look, my tie? says it doesn't matter...

if you're praying to a giant cross
or to an itty-bitty stick.

It's the faith
that you put in it that counts.

Yeah, but do you believe
in, like, spells and magic and sh*t?

I believe I can use
all the help I can get.

- You're getting new girls in the kitchen?
- You're not allowed back here.

- Did you put in a request?
- What if I did?

We need the extra help
to keep up with the demand.

- She put you up to this.
- She?

Vee.

You got this scuttlebutt
ass backwards, Red.

Gloria went in there
and told that bitch what's what.

She played you.

You have no idea what you've done.

We gotta start prepping for dinner.

- Aren't you supposed to keep it lit?
- You're kidding.

This sh*t is dangerous.

Huh.

Aah!

No. No, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no! f*ck! f*ck.